Should a Woman Confirm a Date With a Man?

So many questions swirl around dating etiquette. In heterosexual dating, one of those questions involves whether the man or the woman should confirm a date and when. While there’s often no right or wrong answer, as a woman, there are a few considerations to make before sending that confirmation text. 

When a Woman Plans the Date 

If you are a woman who made the first move by asking a guy out, by all means, confirm the date. There isn’t much in dating that’s a no-brainer, but this is: You made the plans, so follow through with those plans unless you have a good reason not to.  

As for when you should confirm? Ask yourself when you would want to receive a confirmation from a man. A good rule of thumb is, for night dates, that morning or the night before. For dates occurring at any other time of day, think about what would be considerate and then do it.  

When a Man Plans the Date 

Very often, a man will ask out a woman he’s interested in a few days or maybe longer before the date is to happen. Even if he tells you the name of the meeting spot and the time when he asks you out, as the date draws near, you may wonder if it’s still happening. However, as a woman, you may hesitate to confirm the date because (a) you want him to lead and (b) he was the one who asked you out.  

While you will be correct in wanting each to happen, they, for whatever reason, might not. Though both happening would be green flags, sometimes there’s a legitimate-ish reason his follow-up falls through the cracks. The first reason could be that he genuinely believes the date has already been set and assumes you will be there. The second is that he planned everything but didn’t confirm as early as would make you comfortable. Not everyone views time the same way.  

That said, you’re busy and have zero time to mess around. If a man has planned an evening date with you and hasn’t confirmed it by late morning of the date, you can send this simple text: “Are we still good for tonight?”  

Yes, you are taking the initiative here when he should have. But I argue that you are not losing your feminine energy by doing so because feminine energy also means you’re a strong woman who values your time. And in the interest of not wasting any, you want to know the plan so you can pencil him out if need be. What you’re trying to avoid is showing up somewhere and being stood up, in which case you should never deal with him again. But who needs to put themselves through this? Not you.  

When You Confirm the Date, But the Man Doesn’t Respond or Responds Too Late 

It happens: A man sets a date with you, gives you the place and the time, but doesn’t follow up afterward when you do. All you get is radio silence. What should you do then? The answer is simple: Nothing. He has shown you who he is, and that is someone who doesn’t follow through on his word. This, ladies, is a red flag if there ever was one. 

Should he follow up after the fact, after missing a date, to explain that his dog ate his PowerPoint or that “Something suddenly came up,” as it did for Marcia Brady when she canceled her date with Charlie, and then you choose to ignore what he already showed you by his actions, you run a high risk of him being exactly who he’s demonstrated himself to be. This is on you. 

The same is generally true of the guy who waits until the last possible moment to respond to your request for confirmation. In other words, if to make it on time, you would have already had to start getting dressed for the date or arrange childcare, then it’s already too late for him to confirm the date. Your answer should be that you can no longer make it since you didn’t hear back from him earlier. Again, if you choose to give him another shot if he asks for one, go at your own risk.  

Why Who Confirms a Date Matters and Why It Doesn’t 

Everything that happens in the early stages of dating, from the moment you connect on an app until you enter a committed relationship, is information you should pay close attention to and bank. What you’re looking for? Masculine energy.  

Men pursue. Men plan dates, men follow up about plans, men pay for, at a bare minimum, the first date, men walk you to your car, men text you to make sure you arrived home safely, and men communicate their interest in moving forward with you or let you know politely that they’re not. Reader, these are minimums.   

If a man is lazy from the beginning, he will almost one hundred percent of the time become lazier once you accept this as your standard. So, go ahead and confirm that date. As long as you understand what you having to confirm it communicates. 

How Many Dates Do You Wait for a Spark?

There’s a myth that there will be instant chemistry when you meet the one. Having spent over 30 years as a matchmaker, I can tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. This is not just because I didn’t feel a spark when I first met my husband Mike (sorry, Mike), but also because research dispels the myth. 

Researchers at Tel Aviv University, for example, found that individuals who exhibited generosity and altruism were perceived as more physically attractive. The effect was repeated across genders and varying types of relationships, suggesting that kindness influences the perception of attractiveness. 

Switching gears, the Mere Exposure Effect, a psychological phenomenon in which repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to increased liking, supports the notion that familiarity can raise attraction. The concept is relevant to understanding how attraction can grow over time. 

But the question still remains: How long should you wait for a spark? One date? Three dates? Ten dates? Consider the following. 

Why can first impressions sometimes be misleading? 

Bad first impressions — a guy not walking to your car, texting at the table, being rude to waitstaff — these are first impressions that are worth paying attention to. Why? Because each of them is a red flag.  

Then there are those first impressions that are, well, just not great. A poorly told joke, not being a captivating conversationalist, and behaving a little awkwardly are a few examples of evaluations you can make of someone that can leave you unsure if you like them or not. They haven’t offended you, but they haven’t caused you to foresee a future with them in it, either. Yet.  

If you’re not sure how you feel after a first date, and I argue after a second, you owe it to yourself to give that person another chance. But to make that chance truly worthwhile, it can help to change up the atmosphere of the date.  

So, if you met for dinner on the first date, perhaps on the second, you try an activity to see how they are in a different setting. Reevaluate after the second date whether your attraction to them is growing before you decide if it’s worth continuing to a third date.  

How can you tell if an attraction is growing? 

The best way to tell if your attraction to someone is growing is to listen to your gut. How do you feel when you’re with them? And, just as important, how do you feel when you’re apart? Are you thinking about this person or is it a clear case of out of sight, out of mind?  

If it’s the latter, you probably have your answer. But if you enjoy your conversations when you’re with one another and the interactions you have when you’re not, plus you look forward to the next time when you will be together, then this person is probably beginning to grow on you.  

Remember, sex can cloud judgment. With oxytocin flowing, it can be hard to get a true read on your attraction level. It’s possible to be sexually attracted to someone and not like them in other ways — or in every way else. Therefore, if you’re unclear about your attraction level, it’s probably wise not to use the bedroom as your measure. 

How long is too long to wait? 

While the slow burn of growing attraction is enticing, you don’t want to wait around indefinitely for it to happen. Many times, it won’t.  

Signs attraction is at a standstill include your indifference to them seeing others, not wanting to do anything intimate, like hold hands or kiss, and another individual holding your attention more than they do or just the prospect of it. Though emotional intimacy can take time to build, it’s not a given. In the interest of your happiness and the other person’s, you shouldn’t force yourself to feel something you don’t just because someone looks good on paper. 

When should you move on? 

Understanding the difference between patience and wishful thinking is important. You shouldn’t bet on potential because those are generally not good bets. A few dates is enough time to learn what you need to make an informed decision.  

Before calling it quits, though, make sure it’s what you want. If you make a mistake, the other person may not let you come back, or at least come back for a long, long time. No one likes to think they are a backup choice.  

How can you create more sparks? 

If you don’t feel a spark with anyone you date, the issue may be more with you than with them. Meaning, you may need to change up your approach to making connections and how you behave on dates.  

With regard to connections, make sure you are being fairly specific in who you’re looking for. While it’s a smart dating strategy to cast a wide net, too wide a net can cause you to make connections with people you won’t align with on many levels and, as a result, may not find yourself attracted to.  

If that’s not your issue, check in with yourself about your behavior on a date. Are you present? Are you being somewhat vulnerable and sharing personal details about yourself? Are you open to chemistry growing, or is there something (or someone) in your life holding you back? Any of these reasons or a combination of them can be why you’re not feeling attraction with the people you’re dating.  

Final thoughts … 

It can be frustrating to go on date after date and feel like you’re not connecting with anyone. But even when you’re doing everything “right,” it can still take time. Though there’s science and strategy involved in dating, there’s also a little luck involved. The thing about luck is that the harder you work at something, the luckier you get.  

Dating Overload: Why Too Many Dates Can Backfire

You’ve probably heard the expression, “Dating is a numbers game.” It’s pretty straightforward and, if you ask me, generally good advice. It simply means that the more people you date, the more chance you have to meet someone who fits the description of your perfect match.  

But what happens when you take it too far — when you have so many first dates scheduled that you’re considering creating a spreadsheet to remember what you wore and with whom, and, more importantly, to recall a few personal details about the person you’re seeing? If this sounds like you, you may be on dating overload, dating too many people at the same time.  

While it may sound efficient, this strategy can backfire and make it so you don’t find your match. Or at least recognize them when you see them. Here’s why. 

Too many dates can cause burnout and decision fatigue. 

Meeting new people on repeat can be exhausting, making it harder to discern who to date, continue dating, or pass on. When you date just a few people at a time, you can better focus on each person, including how they behave before, during, and after the date.  

This is vital information to collect. Dating too many people may cause you to miss red and green flags, which are integral to finding matches and being a safe dater.   

Too many dates may give rise to superficial connections and nothing serious.   

Juggling multiple prospects can interfere with you forming deeper emotional bonds with someone, leading you only to have a series of shallow interactions. Though having a busy social calendar can be exciting, it can get old, especially if your goal is to get into a serious relationship.  

Too many dates may make you believe there will always be someone better around the corner.   

It’s a great feeling to be wanted, but when you think there will always be someone new and better around the corner, you may be less inclined to give that “nice guy” (or “nice girl”) a chance. Or worse, be quick to blame the ick for why you’re getting rid of them.   

Often, realizing you're into someone can take a few encounters. Yes, it’s easy to recognize an instant attraction, but too much chemistry at the beginning doesn’t always bode well for the longevity of a relationship. Seeing where a tiny spark leads can be more promising in the long run.  

Too many dates can cause you to become emotionally detached. 

Too many dates in a short period can desensitize you to the excitement of what it feels like to have a real connection. Because you’re not focused on the here and now and, instead, on the five dates you have lined up, people you don’t know well can begin to feel like numbers. Spend some time as a detached dater, and it won’t be long before dating starts feeling like a chore. When dating becomes a chore, you’ll be quicker to choose your jammies over a night out.   

Too many dates may mean you won’t enjoy a date if you do go.  

Say you do forgo your jammies to go on a date you were ambivalent about. If you’re already experiencing dating burnout, there’s a good chance you will be itching to be anywhere but there. This is what happens when you’re going through the motions.  

Not only will you not enjoy the experience as much as you could, but likely, neither will your date, causing that first date to become a last date. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy that brings you to yet another first date you’ve already proven you’re reluctant to have.  

Too many dates can result in you forgetting what you’re looking for in a person.  

When you are so busy accumulating people to date, it’s easy to forget what you’re looking for. Them asking you out (or saying yes to a date if you’re the one who asked) should not be enough to warrant your effort. No, you don’t want to be too picky, but you do want to pick and choose strategically based on your criteria for a partner — criteria you should have thought of before putting yourself out there.  

Final thoughts …   

Dating is for discovering — discovering what you like about someone you meet, as well as discovering what you like about yourself. If you’re too preoccupied with mechanics, including the number of dates you go on, you’re missing out on the experiences that can improve your dating skills enough to recognize when you’ve found love and not only no longer have to date but no longer want to.   

Stealthing: The Dangerous Deception You Need to Know About

There are many dating terms, such as ghosting, winter coating, and hoovering, that, while irritating and potentially emotionally damaging, won’t compromise your physical health by giving you an STI or causing you to become a mom before you want to. The practice that could is known as stealthing. If you are a single woman of any age dating men, here’s what you need to know about this dangerous and deceptive act. 

What is stealthing? 

Stealthing occurs when a man engaging in consensual sex with a woman removes his condom without the woman’s consent. It is a serious violation that can result in emotional and physical effects, including transmission of an STI and pregnancy.  

Depending on the jurisdiction, it may also be considered a sexual assault or rape under law. Some jurisdictions may treat it as a civil offense. Regardless, stealthing is a dating trend on the rise; research indicates that 19-32% of women have reported it.  

What can you do to avoid stealthing? 

A man who engages in stealthing does not respect you. He does not care about your feelings, and he does not care about your health and well-being. Though you likely won’t know someone’s capable of this behavior until they do it (unless they tell you they have, in which case you should run from them), there are precautions you can take so you don’t end up a victim. Those precautions are to: 

Vet your partners before engaging in sexual intercourse with them.  

While this strategy isn’t foolproof, it is a good practice to vet your partners before having sex with them. You would (or should if you’re not) vet the people you allow into your life. The same should apply to who you allow into your body. It makes sense, right? 

Communicate clearly with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.  

If you are planning to have sex with someone, even if you don’t know them well, have a conversation beforehand. During this conversation, discuss your expectations, boundaries, and what you consent to and don’t.  

Don’t just talk, either. Listen. If this individual appears irritated by this discussion or indicates they are not keen on complying with what you want, you should reconsider them as a sexual partner. You always have the option to walk away.  

Bring your own condoms.   

If, based on your conversation, you decide to move forward, consider bringing condoms with you. Ladies, carrying condoms is a wise practice, even if you aren’t expecting to have sex that day. Though men often have their preferences for condoms, unless they have an allergy, chances are they’d prefer to use yours rather than not have sex at all.  

As for you, having condoms on you means you can protect yourself at all times, even if you get carried away in the moment. If you have a latex allergy, carrying your own is another way to protect your health.  

Spot-check that the condom is in place during intercourse.  

Your condom, their condom, it doesn’t matter. Spot-check that it’s in place and stays in place while you’re having sex. This also can prevent the condom from coming off during sex or letting you know sooner rather than later that the condom broke, both of which can happen. Remember, abstinence is the only form of protection that’s 100% effective.  

Consider additional protection above and beyond condoms.  

Additional birth control methods, such as an oral contraceptive or IUD, can offer some peace of mind if you’re still in your child-bearing years. However, these added protections will only ward against pregnancy, not STIs. If someone stealths you, you are at risk.     

Be prepared to stop if you notice the condom is missing.  

Even if you do everything above to prevent stealthing during sexual intercourse, if you notice the condom is missing, either because the other person removed it without your consent or it was otherwise compromised, stop having sex immediately.  

You are and must remain your top priority. You don’t owe anyone anything, including finishing, simply because you’ve started. How much time you spend exposed can matter for your body and mind.  

What should you do if you become a victim of stealthing? 

If you become the victim of stealthing, you have options in the aftermath to help yourself, beginning immediately. 

Seek medical attention.  

Seek immediate medical care to receive STI testing and emergency contraception if you are concerned about pregnancy. If you are worried about exposure to HIV, consider receiving PEP, which stands for post-exposure prophylaxis. It is most effective within 72 hours of exposure, so time is a factor.  

Document the incident.  

Write down details about what occurred while they’re fresh in your mind. Details should include dates, times, and anything the person said or did. Save any written correspondence relevant to the incident, such as text messages or messages over dating apps.  

Find emotional support and take care of your mental well-being.  

Being a victim of stealthing can be traumatic. With this in mind, talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group about what you experienced. Consider also reaching out to an organization whose goal is to support victims of sexual violence; they can provide further guidance. You should also think about talking one-on-one to a therapist. Finally, begin healing yourself by engaging in self-care. 

Consider taking legal action. 

As mentioned earlier, depending on the state you live in, stealthing may be recognized as a criminal or civil offense. You can consult a lawyer or local advocacy group to explore your legal options, which may require reporting the incident to the police. Whether you do so will be a personal choice; only you will know what’s right for you. But one thing you must know: This is not your fault.  

Forgive or Forget? How to Handle a Good Date Gone Bad

You know when a first date is going well. You also know when it isn’t. But what if you’re not quite sure because the “good” date you’re on suddenly takes an awkward turn?  

This can happen for several reasons: an embarrassing joke, an offensive comment, or an unexpected (read: weird) reaction to something you said or did. Do you forgive them? Or do you forget them and everything else they did before and perhaps after that was right? That depends on how you factor the following considerations into your decision-making.    

Was it a one-time slip or an indication of a red flag? 

Though you won’t be able to know the answer to this question definitively since you’ve never met this person before, you can still formulate an educated answer based on the information you have. Meaning the information you’ve already collected about yourself.  

If you’ve done the work to recognize what constitutes a red flag and committed to your dealbreakers, you should feel comfortable making a best guess about what a future (including a second date) with this person might look like. If you’re already making excuses for them or betting on their potential, i.e., telling yourself, “I can change them,” you're better off cutting your losses.  

Context Matters: Understanding the Intent Behind the Misstep 

Context makes a difference, so if, for example, your date made a comment with a sexual connotation, and you both were just talking about something sexual, they may have felt comfortable “going there” when ordinarily they wouldn’t have. 

This is not to victim blame or excuse rude behavior or behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You should always go with your gut about how someone or something makes you feel.  

However, in the future, you may want to use an awkward experience to learn from, which, in this scenario, would be to not engage in conversations that could lead somewhere you wouldn’t want it to. Just as you don’t know your date, they don’t know you and what a turn-on or a turn-off might be for you.   

Your Comfort Level: Can You Move Past the Awkwardness? 

In keeping with the example above and considering whether context was a factor, you must decide whether you can move past the awkwardness. It is generally hard to move forward if the comment or act has offended your values. If it hasn’t, you next need to decide if what you’re dealing with is the “ick.”  

Not all icks are grounds for dismissal; some you can move past if the other positive factors outweigh them. The key is recognizing what’s morally offensive versus off-putting to you.  

It’s important to note that your analysis doesn’t only have to be self-facing. Part of it can be tied to the other person’s response if you’re inclined to call them out.    

Addressing the Issue: Should You Call It Out or Let It Slide 

If you are inclined to address the incident, ask the other person about it — what they meant and why they said or did it. Then, explain why the incident upset you, set a boundary, and sit back to evaluate your date’s response. 

If they are genuinely apologetic (as far as you can tell), you may choose to give them the benefit of the doubt; they made an error in judgment about the situation and, as a result, overstepped. On the other hand, if they react poorly — they raise their voice, gaslight you, or otherwise disregard your feelings — you can feel safe in your assumption that you are better off without them. 

Keep in mind that you also don’t have to call them out. You can assess the situation in your head and act accordingly. If you ever feel unsafe, always err on the side of caution and keep your commentary to yourself. When dating, your safety must always remain the priority, not educating someone else about your boundaries or etiquette in general. That’s not your job or why you’re there.   

When to Give a Second Chance — And When to Walk Away 

Speaking of why you’re there, first dates are an opportunity to learn more about someone who has piqued your interest and whose interest you’ve piqued. Many times, actually, most of the time, you won’t like what you see, which is why you can go on a lot of first dates before beginning to see someone more steadily. And then it may still not work out.  

Though disappointment can be disheartening and frustrating, your strategy should remain the same: Go into every date with a positive outlook and an open mind to give yourself the best chance of success. As the old Russian proverb tells us: “Trust, but verify,” which, in dating, is translation for “believe the good, but don’t ignore the bad.” 

What Is Negging in Dating, and How Can You Spot It?

Set the stage: You’re on a first date and the guy you’re with compliments you: “You’re beautiful. Not model-beautiful, given your size, but definitely pretty.” 

You smile and say thank you (slowly) because you know compliments are supposed to make you feel good, but this one doesn’t meet the mark. There’s a reason: This isn’t a genuine compliment. What it is is an example of negging, which, according to an article in Women’s Health, is an insult disguised as a compliment.  

Negging in dating can come off as flirting, particularly when it’s delivered with a smile and a twinkle in the eye. But in no way is it flirting, which is a way to show someone else through flattery that you’re interested. Some experts go so far as to say negging is a form of emotional abuse since emotional abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, is intended to “control, isolate, or frighten you.”  

However you choose to define it, one commonality exists: Negging isn’t healthy for you.  

Why is negging damaging? 

Negging, even if it’s only the occasional backhanded compliment, can do damage to the person on the receiving end of it. For example, negging can cause you to second guess whatever the subject of it is — your looks, your intelligence, your family, your habits, and your possessions, to name a few. It can make you feel small, ugly, stupid, and altogether inferior. Done over long periods, the effects only intensify.  

As negging erodes your self-confidence, it can cause you to become more dependent on the person who’s been “complimenting you.” Instead of leaving them, you hang around waiting for those real compliments that occur less and less as time goes on. The lack of continuity in their treatment of you only causes further confusion. It can also create anxiety and the feeling of walking on eggshells since you never know what you’re going to get from this person at any given moment.  

Since the good is sprinkled in with the bad without rhyme or reason, you may become inclined to excuse those bad moments away in favor of the good ones, normalizing what is, indeed, toxic behavior. Eventually, however, resentment grows, eroding the relationship, along with what’s left of your self-respect. The thing is, if someone is negging you, they already resent you, and your relationship has already eroded.    

What are some examples of negging? 

The sky’s the limit when it comes to ways to insult someone else. Think back to past dates you walked away from them feeling insecure, despite you having arrived to the date confident. Though there are unlimited examples of negging, here are a few more to drive home what it sounds like: 

• “Your dress is cute for someone whose wardrobe is stuck in the 80s.” 

• “I thought you’d be one of those airheads by the look of you, but you’re actually kind of smart.” 

• “You’re not half bad looking.” 

• “You’re funnier when you drink.” 

• “You’d look even better if you lost a few pounds, but you still look good.” 

But more than what the remark sounds like, what you should pay attention to is how you feel after or how much you find yourself interpreting its meaning.  

What can you do if someone is negging you? 

If someone you’re dating or in a relationship with you is negging you, you have a few choices. The first is to call it out: “Can you please repeat that?” or “Can you please explain what you mean?” When someone is asked to clarify an insult, they may be less inclined to repeat themselves.  

You can then tell them how the comment caused you to feel. If it’s someone you don’t know well, they may express their remorse and apologize. Whether you choose to forgive them is up to you, but you should remain on your guard moving forward. They may also take the opportunity to gaslight you, saying you’re too sensitive. This is a red flag. The same is true for them trying to drag you into an argument.   

Should negging already be a recurrent issue in your relationship, and, after learning more, you now understand what it is your partner has been doing and how detrimental it is, but you still want to give them a chance to change, you can set boundaries for how you expect them to speak and treat you.  

Most importantly, though, you should feel free to leave your relationship, not schedule more dates with someone you’ve been seeing, or make a first date a last date if someone is negging you. There are plenty of other people who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Self-respect begins with you.  

Final thoughts … 

Though negging is hurtful, it’s important to recognize that the behavior says more about the person doling out the critiques than you. That said, it’s not your responsibility to fix someone who’s been negging you. Nor is it to wait around for them to behave better. In the wise words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”   

What Is the Ick, and Why It’s a Dealbreaker

You know you’re justified in cutting things off with a guy when he behaves poorly: He shows up late for a date with no good reason, looks the waitress up and down and flirts with her, or deliberately (you suspect) leaves his wallet at home so you’ll have to pay. Name your red flag. 

These are no-brainers — hopefully — that a guy is not for you and deserves his walking papers. But what if it’s something else, something far less egregious, something that wouldn’t bother most people that, for whatever reason, gives you “the ick” so severely you never want to see this guy again? Are you justified in cutting him loose, or are you being too picky because he did something that you personally consider what has come to be known as “the ick”? 

Not sure what I’m talking about? Ask Bethenny Frankel, who claims she wanted to break up with someone because he ate overnight oats every day. Huh? 

In a recent Instagram post, Frankel confessed to this seconds before admitting her overnight oats rule is a double standard; she can eat them (and chia seed pudding) as much as she wants, but a man can’t. Translation: If a man does, it gives her the ick; therefore, she can’t date him.   

Frankel isn’t alone in feeling this way. In a follow-up post, Frankel described how she was floored by the icks of others, which flooded her comments. Icks included a mother who ghosted a man because he ordered oatmeal for breakfast and a doctor who used the word “vacay.”  

“Like, everybody’s crazy,” Frankel said.  

But are they? According to cognitive science, maybe not.     

The Ick, Cognitively Speaking 

According to an article from the Cleveland Clinic, the ick can indicate there’s something more at play than how irritating the way someone chews is. People often think of the ick as a first date or early date issue when, in actuality, it can and does happen in long-term relationships as well.  

Whether the ick, which should not be confused with a red flag, should be given the credibility it often receives, prompting those who experience it to act on it, might be better understood by examining attachment style. As the article goes on to explain, in a long-term relationship, like a marriage, the ick could be related to a deeper issue in the relationship. Think in terms of how spouses treat each other or something that’s happened to compromise a relationship’s foundation.   

On the other hand, during the first or first few dates, the ick could be rooted in the icked-out person having an avoidantly-attached relationship style, for example. The implication is that someone who feels the ick often may be using those icks as an excuse not to invest in a relationship. The real reasons may be that they fear being hurt or experienced relationship trauma in the past.  

Bottom line: If you frequently experience the ick and it keeps you from getting into a relationship, it may be worth delving deeper into why you consistently find fault with everyone you meet. Once you do, you can work on overcoming the ick.  

Tips for Getting Past the Ick 

If the ick is always holding you back, it may help to ask yourself the following questions before saying, “Next!”: 

• Do I understand the difference between an ick and a red flag? 

• Is what this person’s doing a red flag, or is it an ick? 

• Am I looking for icks, or am I waiting for them to happen so I can get out of here? 

• Do I think the ick-feeling I’m experiencing with this person could decrease with time? 

• Does this person have enough green flags that I would consider overlooking the ick to give them another chance? 

• Could I benefit from talking to a mental health professional about how often I experience the ick? 

When you run through these questions in your mind during or immediately after a date, you may find that being so harsh is what’s causing you to overlook real prospects. In any event, running through the list can help you do a thorough analysis so you don’t wonder afterward if you made the right choice to let someone go. 

Final Thoughts 

Chemistry in relationships is important, and you deserve to feel it with a partner. Just as much as someone deserves to feel it with you. 

The issue is that when “there’s always something” on your end, it comes time to evaluate why this is always the case. It may simply be that you’ve been the unlucky one who got to meet the guy who blew his nose in a cloth napkin or picked his teeth with his credit card. Or worse, yours. No one’s denying that. People can be gross.  

That said, if a guy’s love of red velvet cupcakes or desire to rest his head on a satin pillowcase each night is enough to throw you into a tizzy, the issue may not be with him. And instead, with you. 

Sick of Online Dating? Slide into Their DMs Instead

Given the attention to online dating (not all of it positive, to say the least), it’s easy to think that it’s the only game in town for meeting singles. Though online dating can be highly effective, especially when leveraged smartly, there’s another way to find love, and that is to slide into someone’s DMs. Someone you think is cute or interesting and would like to learn more about.

Not just Gen Z or Gen Alpha, but also many “older” singles are using this strategy to get dates. Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and even LinkedIn give us daily access to hundreds if not thousands of people, many of whom are single and may not be on dating apps or using them to their best advantage. 

It’s no secret that online dating apps are competitive and can quickly become frustrating and stressful. In contrast, social media can be a less pressure-filled way to get to know someone. After all, you’re just making small talk — for now.  

Not sure how to start a conversation with someone you’re already connected to on social media or with someone you’re not yet? Here are a few tips for sliding into someone’s DMs. 

Start with something personal.

If you’ve been using online dating, the advice to start with a personal message should be nothing new. That said, sending a “hi” or a “hey” is a surefire way to be ignored. It shows minimal effort, and the recipient will probably conclude that you sent the same low-effort message to them and many others. Instead, send a personal message based on their profile, possibly about something they posted. 

Look for commonalities between you.

Should their profile not give you much to go on besides their photo, look for commonalities between you, including how you might be connected in real life, such as through a mutual friend or friends. Depending on the platform, you may have the opportunity to see whether you work in the same geographical area, work for the same company, or go to the same gym. Maybe you both have an online group you’re members of in common. Start there.  

Keep it simple. 

You don’t want to write a dissertation because, generally, no one wants to read one. Though you want to look like you’re being thoughtful in your approach, you also don’t want to look like you’re trying too hard. Short and sweet is thus the name of the game.

Stay classy.

Giving a compliment is a great way to endear yourself to someone, so long as you keep it classy. As a general rule, asking yourself if you would feel comfortable making the same comment to your mother or other family member is helpful. If you wouldn’t, you should strongly consider keeping that comment to yourself.

When you slide into someone’s DMs, presumably, it’s because you don’t know this person well or even at all. Therefore, you don’t know their tolerance level. It’s very possible you won’t get a response if you’re over the top, i.e., sleazy or gross. Worse, you could wind up blocked. Both will defeat your purpose for reaching out if it’s genuinely a date you're looking for. 

Don’t get angry and retaliate if you don’t receive a reply. 

Even if you’re friendly and “normal,” people are busy, and not everyone is glued to their phones even if they're not busy. Plus, no one owes you an immediate response or one at all. So, control yourself if you don’t get one or get one quickly. Never comment on their tardiness, perceived lack of manners, or express anger in any way. 

If you choose this path, it’s pretty safe to say you will become persona non grata. You may also end up scaring the person on the receiving end. Regardless, it’s not a good look, and people talk, especially in an era of “Are We Dating the Same Guy” Facebook groups. Consider whether you want your mug on there, along with a description of your outburst. Word gets around. 

Let your personality shine through. 

Do be playful, and do be yourself. This is the time to display your quick wit and to be funny. Careful, though; there’s a fine line between cracking jokes and being sarcastic. So, consider whether someone could take offense at your brand of humor. If you’re unsure, run your opener by a friend who’ll give you an honest opinion. 

Final thoughts …

Dating practices are constantly changing, and what you once thought of as unacceptable or behavior reserved for younger people might be the exact strategy that gets you the guy or girl you’ve had your eye on. The thing is, you’ll never know for sure unless you send the DM. 

STI Testing: How to Have the Talk Before Sex

Communication is essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to sex. In addition to discussing whether you both feel ready to have sex and what sex will mean for exclusivity and the progression of your relationship, there should be a conversation about STI testing.  

STIs are the gift that keeps giving; some can even cost you your life. So, if you’re uncomfortable raising the topic, take a deep breath and consider the following tips for having a meaningful conversation with a new partner.   

Raise the topic before you engage in sexual activity.  

There are “no backsies” with STIs. If you expose yourself, you’re at risk. So, have a conversation before engaging in sexual activity. Any sexual activity. 

Intercourse is not the only way to give or receive an STI. For example, STIs can be transmitted through oral sex. According to medical experts, throat cancer due to HPV infections has become more common than cervical cancer.  

Unfortunately, at this time, there is no clinically approved way to screen men for HPV; inspections are usually done visually after the appearance of genital warts. That being said, not all strains of HPV produce genital warts, and as many as 80% of sexually active American adults will be exposed to HPV in their lifetimes.  

For women, this makes routine screening for cervical cancer more critical than ever. Given the number of STIs that exist in addition to HPV and the effects on your health they can have, it’s a good rule of thumb to go for regular checkups as well as see a doctor if you notice anything unusual.   

Define the relationship.  

So, you and your partner agree to go for STI testing before you have sex. That’s great! But it won’t do you much good if, the next day, you and/or your partner are engaging in sexual activity with other partners.  

If you agree that you are not sexually exclusive, be sure to use protection. Moreover, if you do decide to be exclusive, … 

Continue using protection, even after testing.  

This is because it could take a while for you or your partner to develop symptoms of an STI despite you both coming up clean. If you or your partner were recently sexually active with others, your tests can only reveal so much. Therefore, you should consider getting retested after another six months if you are still together and considering not using protection.  

If you suspect your partner isn’t being faithful, or you haven’t been, err on the side of caution and use protection or abstain altogether. No form of protection is 100% effective.   

Get verifiable proof of testing.  

As much as you may not want to think about it, not everyone is honest, and it is possible for someone to falsify their results. For this reason, you will want to either receive the results directly from your partner's doctor alongside them or sit with your partner as they log into an online system such as MyChart and review the report together.  

You should extend the same courtesy to your partner. Trust is built over time, and you are not obligated to trust someone you don’t know. Nor is your partner.    

Consider your partner’s response to a request for testing. 

If your partner is resistant to STI testing, there’s usually a reason: either they have something to hide or don’t care enough about you to get you the information you’re requesting to be safe. Regardless of the reason, this reaction is a red flag, and you should react accordingly by reevaluating if this is the right relationship for you. 

Final thoughts … 

You are the master of your domain, beginning with your body. As the master, you are charged with protecting your health and well-being. To do so, you must consistently advocate for yourself — by asking for what you want or saying no when you don’t get what you want.  

Inevitably, you will learn some hard truths about the people in your life who will think nothing of interfering with your ability to exercise self-care or challenging your autonomy. Though these lessons can hurt, they are valuable to learn because whether they urge you to stay or go, they will lead you closer to the relationship you aspire to have.  

Should You Talk About Past Relationships With a New Partner?

Part of dating is learning about the people you meet to see if you will be compatible as a couple. Questions about your favorite ice cream flavor or pizza topping are easy and can make for some light conversation and the basis for future plans. Inevitably, though, questions will take a more serious turn, often to relationships past, which can be a bit more uncomfortable to address given the invasion of your privacy from someone you barely know.  

Still, you’ve been taught that honesty is the best policy and understand that more serious topics often speak to one’s core values, which can draw two people together on a deeper level. But does this include dating history? To a certain degree, yes. The person you’re dating has a vested interest in your dating history and you in theirs, but only in a few key areas.  

So, if you’re worried about revealing too much about your old relationships or overstepping by asking too much, consider sticking to answering or asking the following questions as they arise with the relationship’s progression.  

When did your last relationship end? 

This is a great question because you want to make sure that the person you’re getting involved with is available to date. Not just because they are currently “single” but also because they’re emotionally available.  

Someone whose last relationship recently ended may not only be thinking about their ex but also be in contact with them. Based on your date’s initial answer, you can ask whether they are still in contact with their last ex, how often, and to what degree. Armed with this information, you can decide whether to move forward with them.  

If you’re asked this question, be honest with the person, but also be honest with yourself. Are you on this date in body and in mind? 

Are you in contact with other exes? 

A divorced parent will likely be in close contact with their ex-spouse for co-parenting purposes. If they’re not or have limited contact with their children, you may want to inquire about the tenor of these relationships and how their situation came to pass.  

You’d be surprised how much people reveal when talking about their ex-spouse. Listen for details about domestic violence, financial matters, assumption of blame, and name-calling and whether you would categorize their answers as red or green flags.  

As for dating history following the marriage, keeping a lot of exes in the mix “as friends” can be cause for concern. Though the person telling you about all of the friends they’ve made from dating will often cite their own likeability as the reason for staying friends, these friendships are more often rooted in either them or the other person not being entirely over the relationship and hanging around to either keep tabs or get another shot. These newfound friendships may also involve being friends with benefits. Regardless of the real explanation, proceed with caution. The truth will usually reveal itself in time.  

If you’re being asked the question, it’s time to check in with yourself about your availability for a new relationship. Having a lot of plates spinning generally isn’t conducive to focusing on someone new.  

Keep in mind also that sexual exclusivity is a topic that’s fair game in a new relationship. A current sexual partner should have a clear understanding of whether they are the only sexual partner and feel comfortable requesting STI testing as well as undergoing it. 

Have you experienced any sort of relationship trauma that could affect a new relationship? 

Past relationship trauma, though it’s not always easy to admit, can shape the lens through which people view new relationships. Past relationship trauma can include physical and emotional abuse, emotional or physical cheating, and financial infidelity, among other types.  

When and if these subjects come up can depend. It could be in response to a direct question or revealed in a passing comment, which, again, is why you should brush up on your listening skills.  

If you are the one being asked about past trauma, reveal only what you are comfortable revealing. It’s fine to say something to the tune of, “I’m not comfortable talking about this right now. Perhaps when we get to know each other better.” Then, decide if you want to get still to know this person better.  

Final Thoughts 

Generally, it’s best to stick to small talk during a first date. However, conversations can take on a life of their own and get more personal. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; it can actually become a way to connect.  

That said, you should always feel free, as should the person you are conversing with, to change the subject. Respect is key here. Never push for information or allow yourself to be pushed for information. 

Exclusive But Not a Couple: What Does it Mean?

Terminology in dating can be confusing, especially when talking about relationship status. The dreaded question, “Where is this relationship going?” often won’t even cut it anymore (1) because there are so many new terms to describe relationship status, (2) many people don’t fully understand what these terms mean, and (3) those who do sometimes take advantage of the nuances that exist between the terms. An example of such nuanced language exists between the meanings of exclusive and couple. Spoiler: They are not the same. Here’s why. 

Exclusivity in Dating  

Picture this: You’re dating someone new, and they’re saying and doing all the right things. They’re texting and calling. You’re going on regular outings together. They’re reliable. They’re respectful. You’re attracted to each other, and so far, you haven’t noticed any red flags to give you the heebie jeebies. Because of all the green flags, you’re pretty sure sex is on the horizon. 

Though a lot of people think it can be a mood killer, and it can be, it’s helpful to have a conversation before sex so that you understand how it will change your relationship. Will is the operative word here, not can, because sex is a monumental step in any relationship, given how not everyone’s interpretation of its importance will be the same. In other words, sex won’t automatically make you a couple. Nor will it make you exclusive.  

Exclusivity and coupledom can get confusing when two people agree to be exclusive but do not mention being in a committed relationship in every sense. Pro tip: In dating, you should assume nothing. If there’s no agreement between you and a partner that you’re a couple, you should take it as you aren’t one.  

In modern-day dating, exclusivity has a sexual connotation — it implies that you and your partner are only having sex with each other. That being said, you and your partner should still state this explicitly to avoid misunderstandings. You and your partner should also be tested for STIs and exchange verifiable results, continuing to use protection as many infections won’t show up immediately if recently contracted.  

The Title of Boyfriend or Girlfriend 

Being a couple — being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend — means you are committed to one another for the foreseeable future and aren’t shopping around for other prospects. Prospects that, if they were to pique your interest, you would consider sleeping with. (But, hopefully, not before a conversation if you are sexually exclusive.)  

Beyond committing to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, other people should be aware of this fact. When introducing new people, it should be stated, “This is my girlfriend, Kate,” or “This is my boyfriend, Bob.” Not, “This is Kate,” or “This is Bob.” 

Your relationship status should also be apparent to others on social media. You should have full access to each other’s social media profiles as friends or followers and, if they’re posting regularly, be included or referenced in some of their posts. For example, if you are spending the day together, your partner should not just post pictures of themselves at a location where you were together as if they were there alone. 

It’s important to note that not everyone uses social media to the same extent, and social media use is not the only barometer of relationship health. However, if your boyfriend or girlfriend’s usage of social media makes you uncomfortable in any way, i.e., they are liking or commenting consistently on other singles’ social media posts, or you feel left out, you’re best off listening to your intuition and raising the issue with your partner as soon as possible. You’ll know by their responses where you stand in actuality. 

The same is true of micro-cheating. Though rules for what behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t can vary from relationship to relationship, some behaviors are red flags. Again, if you’re feeling uneasy, have that discussion.     

How to Talk About Relationship Status 

Discussions about relationship status start in your dating profile, whether you use online dating or have hired a matchmaker to guide your search. Whatever profile you create should clearly state your relationship intentions.  

This comes after taking time to fully understand what you want from a relationship and your non-negotiables. This way, if someone tries to get you to move your boundaries and compromise on what’s most important to you, you’ll be less likely to do so when the pressure is on.

Once you are dating someone regularly, don’t be afraid to speak up if you have a question or are unclear about something your partner has said. You must be an advocate for yourself at all times. Unfortunately, not only will people you don’t know put themselves first (it’s human nature), but they can do so at your expense (not human nature but the m.o. for some). Though paying for coffee or a meal is OK, paying for a date with your emotional or physical health is not.  

Final Thoughts 

Not every conversation will be easy or have the outcome you desire. However, knowing where you stand in a relationship means you’re already on your feet, positioned to walk away from a partner who doesn’t suit you and toward one who does.  

How to Recognize Hoovering from a Narcissist: 5 Warning Signs

Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by a narcissist to regain control after being distanced or rejected by a love interest. It’s important to recognize hoovering behaviors as they can land you right back into a toxic or abusive relationship. Here are five signs to watch out for.  

1. Excessive Communication After a Period of Silence 

An effective strategy when ending a relationship with a narcissist is to go through a period of “no contact.” Ending contact with a narcissist allows you to gain perspective about your relationship and see the other person’s behavior for what it was and how it affected you. It also allows you to heal. 

Sound good? For you, yes. For the narcissist who has lost control over you, not so much. Your ignoring them will likely make them angry and, as a result, work hard to get you back under their spell. They will show that they think nothing of the boundary you set by contacting you repeatedly, even though you’ve made it clear you don’t want them to.  

It doesn’t matter if you haven’t heard from this person in a while, either; hoovering often involves them persistently reaching out after long periods of silence. Most commonly, hoovering will begin with calls, texts, emails, and gestures over social media, such as liking or commenting on posts or sharing content with you. In more brazen acts, they will show up unexpectedly at your home or magically appear in public places where they expect to find you.  

Their intention? To draw you back into their world of chaos before you even realize what’s happening. 

2. Promise of Change or Apologies 

A narcissist who’s hoovering you may promise that they’ve changed or express how sorry they are for their past actions. It shouldn’t take much to realize that these apologies are manipulative attempts designed to put them back in your good graces. Narcissists are slick and will know just how to pray on your emotions and take advantage of your kind nature.  

If you aren’t sure about your ex’s intentions, look to the past. Usually, you’ve already witnessed how their apologies are short-lived.   

3. Using Guilt to Make You Feel Responsible 

No one’s better at guilt-tripping than a narcissist who wants you back. They will stop at nothing to make you feel like you owe them a second chance or that they are the victim in the situation because they’re always the victim. 

Saying things like, “We have years together, and you owe it to us to give me one more chance,” and “I don’t know how I’ll go on if you don’t take me back” are two examples of guilt-tripping. Though it can be hard to stand your ground, these statements are manipulative and not in your best interest.  

4. Sudden Acts of Kindness or Grand Gestures 

If you suddenly receive gifts from your ex or they make grand gestures that are uncalled for given your current status, you’re best off recognizing them for what they are: blatant attempts to win your affection and regain your trust.

Don’t fall for it. You don’t owe them anything in return. You didn’t ask for this, and their behavior is on them.   

5. Toxic Behavior Masked as ‘Love’ or ‘Care’ 

“Aww, they’re so caring the way they brought me soup after they found out I was sick from one of my friends.”  

“That was so thoughtful of them to change the light bulbs outside my house without my asking.” 

“It was so nice how they relieved my landscaper to clean up my yard themselves so I wouldn’t have to pay anyone.” 

Disguised as love and care, when coming from a person who’s already shown you who they are, these are clear examples of stalking, controlling, and excessive behavior. Consider the ulterior motive behind the words and actions.  

What to Do if You Realize Your Ex Is Trying to Hoover You.  

If you recognize your ex has resurfaced to bring you back into their midst, even if you’ve already broken no contact, it’s not too late to enforce your boundaries. Start the clock again without blaming yourself, with 30 days as your first goal.  

Once you reach 30 days, pat yourself on the back and keep going, no matter what tricks your ex pulls out of their sleeve. When dealing with a narcissist, it may take you a few tries to get it right because they’re that good at what they do, which is fooling you into believing they’ve changed.  

As you’ll continue to realize, they haven’t. And, if you continue to stand your ground, they’ll soon realize you have. 

What Your Partner’s Social Media Habits May Say About Your Relationship

You may wonder how important social media is in a relationship, including how your partner uses it (or doesn’t) to document your presence in their life and your relationship together. A partner’s social media habits can, in many respects, say a lot about the health of your relationship, which is why examining your partner’s social media habits can be well worth your time. This is especially true if some of their online behaviors bother you or leave you scratching your head as you try to figure out what they mean. Here are a few to look out for and what they could indicate.  

Your partner won’t connect with you on their social media accounts (or all of their social media accounts).  

Some people are very liberal with their social media, adding those they barely know, including someone they’ve recently met, to their followers or friends. But what about someone you’ve been dating, even exclusively, not only neglecting to add you but outright rebuffing you when you ask them to? Red flag.  

If someone is willing to be intimate with you, spend time with you, and converse with you regularly about what’s happening in your and their lives, they should have no problem allowing you to see what they posted for breakfast. Of course, the problem for them might be what else you will learn if they add you to their account(s). One of those things is that they appear single online.  

Your partner won’t post you on their social media accounts because they want to appear single online.  

So, say you somehow get a glimpse of your partner’s social media after you’ve been dating for a while, have the title of boyfriend or girlfriend, and have met each other’s families and discover there’s no mention of you in any way, shape, or form online. Would you be annoyed? If you’re human and have any feeling left inside you, your answer is probably yes.  

Yes, there may be a reason the person does not make mention of you, such as the fact you have done that to them first (grab the mirror), but if you haven’t, you should question what this person is trying to convey to those they have given a key to the kingdom. Likely, it’s that they’re single, even if they’re not. 

As a side note, beware of the person who adds you but doesn’t give you full access. You can limit the audience of your Facebook posts, for example, just as you can your friends’ access to specific categories of posts. Are you sure you’re seeing the complete picture? If you notice you’re friends but can only see the person’s public posts, they may be posting content you have been restricted from viewing.   

Your partner gets defensive when questioned about their social media habits. 

If you question your partner about why they won’t connect with you and why you’re noticeably absent from their social media accounts or a particular account, and then they gaslight you, you better watch out. Usually, they’re hiding something. Whether it’s that they want to appear single or don’t want you to see who they’re interacting with online, or they’re deliberately trying to devalue you as narcissists tend to do, the answer isn’t a good one.  

A partner who cares about you will want to make you feel included in their life, especially if you revealed that their social media habits were causing you to feel otherwise. A relationship partner shouldn’t go to great lengths to defend their behavior but should do what they can to correct it.   

Your partner is actively connecting with accounts belonging to other singles.  

What about if you have full access to your significant other’s social media account and see that they’re regularly adding accounts belonging to other singles? Ask them about it, including where they have been meeting these people. Do they know them in real life? Why are they adding them?

Make a mental note of your partner’s answers and how you feel upon hearing them. Do you believe your partner, or do you think they are gaslighting you? Your gut usually doesn’t steer you wrong. But if you aren’t sure, pay attention to your partner’s interactions with these accounts, theirs with your partner’s, and theirs with yours.  

For instance, if a new account that makes you suspicious begins liking your posts with your partner, or one of these accounts follows your account, this person may have an agenda. Again, confront your partner and see what they say.   

Your partner repeatedly “likes,” “loves,” or comments on social media posts belonging to singles, including seductive poses.  

Take heed if your partner is repeatedly “liking,” “loving,” or commenting on other singles’ social media posts, including seductive poses. This is a form of communication; when you offer compliments like these, you are saying out loud what you’re thinking because you want the recipient to know.  

It’s OK to like something in your head, to find someone else attractive besides your partner. But when you make that public to that person, a partner could construe it as a sign of disrespect, perhaps micro-cheating, depending on the boundaries of the relationship.  

Your partner receives or sends private messages over social media accounts.  

Have you seen your partner communicating via private message with accounts belonging to other singles? Has your partner told you about these communications outright as if it’s no big deal, or shielded their phone from you when you glanced over? Do they become irate if you question them, gaslighting you as if you’re the problem? More importantly, how do your partner’s responses make you feel? 

You catch your partner lying. 

If, by accident or because your partner finally admits it, you discover your partner lied to you, you have a decision to make. Their coming clean to you doesn’t absolve them of having deceived you, and you have every right to be angry. How you channel that anger is on you, including reevaluating your relationship in favor of one where you and your partner use social media to share your happiness, not take it away.  

What It Means When Your Breakup Feels Good

With so much attention on recovering from a breakup, you may wonder what's going on if you break up with your partner and feel anything less than terrible. Though you may not have realized it, not every breakup leads to despair and crying over a pint of ice cream. And there’s a reason for that — a few, actually. Here’s what it means when your breakup doesn’t just feel bad but feels good instead.  

You’re relieved.  

When relationships aren’t working, no matter how long it has been, they can cause one or both people a lot of tension. Whether that tension is due to frequent arguments, a partner’s abusive behavior, recognizing you and your partner have grown apart, or simply wanting to be on your own for a while, the end can feel like a weight being lifted off of you.  

Sometimes, just the anticipation of knowing your relationship is on a path to its demise because your goals aren’t aligned, despite you loving your partner, is enough to cause intense stress. It’s why when the relationship finally does end, you find yourself pleasantly surprised at how good you feel, maybe even leading you to wonder why you didn’t leave the relationship sooner.      

You now better understand what you want in a relationship (and this wasn’t it). 

In every relationship, you have the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Through your interactions with someone else, you get to assess what you like about your life with them and what you don’t. You get to ask yourself the following questions: Am I growing as an individual, even though I’m partnered? Do I like who I am with my partner? Can I see myself sharing a future with this person?  

After spending time in a relationship, you should have some definitive answers to these questions. Doubt, by the way, is also an answer. If not all of your answers signal that you should stay together, you may choose to listen to your gut (almost always the correct answer) and leave. Except now, you should be directed by the information you’ve obtained from being with your partner, which should also speak to your goals for your next relationship.  

You’re looking forward to having more time to focus on yourself.  

It’s natural when you’re in a relationship for some activities or friendships to take a backseat. There are only so many hours in a day, and with career or family obligations, it can become hard to keep every plate spinning. 

When you end a relationship, you will naturally have more time. This can be good for introspection as well as being the perfect time to revisit old interests or find new ones. It can also be a good time to check in with people you weren’t able to spend as much time with when you were partnered.  

Finally, if you’ve been neglecting your health or want to step up your self-care regimen, improving both diet and exercise, a breakup can be the perfect reason to jumpstart healthy habits. Not only will you look better, you’ll feel better.  

You recognize you have pressing issues in your own life to deal with.  

Your partner wasn’t the only one in your relationship, nor the only one who contributed to the dynamic you shared. We all have emotional issues, a past, and coping mechanisms that drive us to behave and react as we do. Now unpartnered, you have the perspective you may not have had before to reflect on your contribution to the relationship and what you may need to do to make yourself more relationship-ready moving forward. 

A breakup can be a challenging time. But the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. Lean on your support system, including friends, family, clergy, and mental health professionals, for stability and encouragement. If you’re open to it, there’s help available to you.    

You want to take time to enjoy your independence.  

There’s something empowering about making your own decisions and not having to compromise for a while. You can go to bed when you feel like it, sleep in on the weekends if that’s your choice, or take off for a spontaneous trip. These ideas are only the tip of the iceberg. Every day can be an adventure when you're in charge, so enjoy it. You earned it.  

You’re excited about the possibilities of what’s to come. 

Ending a relationship means you are, by default, opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone new. Though that might not be your first concern if your relationship recently ended and you want to process it (usually a smart idea), the opportunity is there when you feel ready. So is access to those, like myself, who have the experience and tools to make your dating journey smoother, more pointed, and, as a result, more fruitful, not to mention fun.  

Is Checking Up on Your Partner Healthy?

Do you ever find your head turning instinctively when you hear your partner’s phone vibrate with an incoming text? Look over your partner’s shoulder to see what they’re looking at so intently on Instagram? Watch who they’ve added on social media or whether they’ve been commenting on or liking posts from those who are obviously single and posting seductive content? And, in extreme cases, posting on an “Are We Seeing the Same Guy?” Facebook group, “Does anyone recognize my partner from the dating apps?”  

If you have or are doing any of these things, then this blog post is for you because there’s long been a debate about whether such behavior is “normal” in a relationship and whether you should or shouldn’t be doing it. As with anything about modern dating, the answer isn’t so clear-cut and is not only rooted in what you’re doing but also why. Here’s what you need to consider.  

Has your partner given you reason to doubt them? 

If you’re noticing behavior from your partner that’s not consistent with someone who’s prioritizing you and your relationship, it’s important first to be honest with yourself. Is what you’re seeing accurate? Or is the lens you’re looking through being clouded by past relationships or past trauma in your life? 

Though it can hurt to come to certain realizations, facing them head-on is a must. The reason is that you have to be in a position to gauge whether you are where you’re supposed to be, meaning in the relationship as it exists right now, with this partner at all, or in need of finding outside support to help you address your personal issues.  

Have you communicated to your partner that certain behaviors of theirs are bothersome to you? 

If you’re confident that what you’re seeing from your partner is not the behavior of a devoted partner, whether it’s micro-cheating or full-on straying, you should confront your partner. How they respond should tell you all you need to know.  

If your partner appears genuinely remorseful and wants to curtail their behavior and focus their attention on you, ask yourself whether you’d be willing to work on your relationship with them. If yes, keep an open mind. That said, continue to be aware of what’s going on around you. 

This is where it can get tricky. While you want to keep your eyes open for indiscretions on their part, you don’t want it to become a full-time job for you. If it does, if your partner signals that you cannot trust them, then it’s time to reevaluate your future as a couple.  

Has your checking up on them become obsessive? 

Are you checking your partner’s social media accounts every day? Going through their phone? The pockets of their pants? Or doing whatever it is that you’ve been doing to sate your suspicions for the moment? Check yourself that you’re not feeling compelled to do so for fear you will miss something.  

Obsessively checking up on a partner because you feel like you have to is no way to live. You deserve to be with a partner you trust because they’ve given you all the reason in the world to trust them. What you don’t deserve is a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop because you have this feeling in your gut that it will. Pro tip: Your gut is rarely wrong.  

Why are you staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good? 

Too often, people stay in relationships they don’t feel good about because of the time they’ve already put into it. Though it’s OK to work on your marriage or relationship by seeking counseling alongside an equally willing partner, it’s also perfectly acceptable to move on.  

You don’t owe someone your life. Conversely, a partner who’s acting out because they’re unhappy doesn’t owe you anything, which is why you should let them go.  

Final thoughts … 

No relationship is a waste of time, even the “bad” ones or the ones that fizzle out. Every relationship is about learning — learning about your partner but, more importantly, learning about yourself.  

You will not be the same person as you were when you entered a relationship when you leave it. You will be stronger, wiser, and one step closer to finding the person you’re meant to be with.  

The only question that remains is where you are on your path toward finding them. If you consider the foregoing, it’s a question you will hopefully now have the answer to.  

Would You Date a Man Who Lives With His Parents?

In dating, the question, “Would you date a man who lives with his parents?” sometimes comes up. Why? Because it’s not unheard of regardless of a man’s age, especially since there can be compelling reasons for it. So, if your position is, “No way would I date a man who lives with his parents,” consider the following and whether you may just want to give the guy a chance.  

It’s part of his culture.  

In many cultures, living in a multigenerational household is not just common; it’s the norm. Therefore, if a man is living with his parents, it doesn’t have to mean he’s doing so because he has to.  

In Chinese culture, for example, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and children may all live under one roof. The same is true for Indian families, with everyone taking on a specific role in the home, from cooking to childcare. There are many more examples worldwide.  

The point is that even if the guy and his family now reside in the U.S., they may still be strongly tied to their culture. This includes the American-born guy you met on a dating app who still goes home to his parents and perhaps his grandparents each night.  

Don’t assume he’s broke or a bad guy. His living situation could indicate something quite the contrary — and positive — about him. 

He’s intent on saving money.  

He may be young and just starting out in life, or his divorce (or other life event) may have put him in the position of having to start over. So, to build a strong foundation for himself, he’s decided to share space with Mom and Dad.  

Being fiscally responsible is a commendable trait, so don’t dismiss a guy living with his parents before you have all the facts, including who the roof over his head belongs to. It could be his, his parents, or all of theirs, and he could very well be sharing the rent/mortgage payment, meaning paying his own way. Remember, everyone has a story and a reason for doing things a certain way, including the guy in question.  

He’s caring for a sick parent.  

Midlifers may be part of what’s known as the sandwich generation. This group is generally comprised of those in their forties or fifties (or older) who are now charged with becoming the caretakers of their parents while still having to assume some of the financial burden of their young adult children. This can cause a lot of stress on emotions and one’s bottom line.  

Living under a single roof with an aging or sick parent who needs extra care can help alleviate some of that stress. Again, it doesn’t have to mean the man is home on the couch day after day playing Fortnite.  

He’s recovering from health issues himself.  

Parents and grandparents aren’t the only ones who can suffer from health issues, physical or mental. No one is immune, and the man you’re talking to who’s sleeping in his boyhood bed may also be on the tail end of recovering from a condition and have needed the extra love and support only his immediate family could offer him during a difficult time. Knowing when to seek help and having the courage to ask for it is also a positive.  

It’s temporary. 

A man‘s choice to live with his parents may only be temporary due to a recent divorce, a job change, or a relocation. Keep in mind that he may dislike the idea as much as you do. However, he may understand better than you do the realities of his situation and that the current setup works for him. Again, this is a positive, not a negative.  

Final thoughts … 

Yes, living with a parent or parents as an adult can raise some red flags. Legitimate red flags. The guy could be cheap, broke, emotionally unstable, a criminal, etc. However, you won’t know for sure unless you dig deeper. There are a few ways to do this.  

But before that, it needs to be said: Go with your gut. If you’ve got a bad feeling about the guy, move on, no questions asked.

However, if you feel good about the guy, and the only thing holding you back from dating him is his living situation, it’s time to ask him why he’s living with his parents and how long he intends to do so. Next, ask how it would work logistically should you begin to date more seriously. The tone the guy answers in will be just as telling as the answers he gives. Again, listen to that little voice inside you.  

Dating isn’t often straightforward. Life can be messy and can become even messier as we age. This means no match will ever be perfect. The trick is to figure out what you’re willing to live with, for how long, and what you’re not. A guy living with his parents is just another of these considerations, one which may be important to you and not so important to someone else.  

Are You a Victim of Dating App ‘Revenge Reporting’?

As if it hasn’t been bad enough to receive unsavory comments and requests while using online dating apps or worrying about someone else’s hurt feelings after you politely (or even not so politely) reject them, there’s a new trend making the dating landscape even more of a minefield: revenge reporting.

Not only do you now have to worry about avoiding creeps and making sure creeps don’t keep trying to interact with you, but these days, you also have to worry that they’ll take their anger out on you by reporting you to the dating app for something you didn’t do and getting banned from the app without further inquiry. Being reinstated often proves difficult.  

According to a 2023 news report by NBC, the effects of revenge reporting are often far-reaching, given how one company can own multiple platforms. For example, Match Group, Inc. owns Match, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, and Hinge, among others. As a result, being blocked from using online dating apps can have serious repercussions for blocked users’ mental health, not only leaving them isolated and lonely but also having to deal with the feelings that come from having to assume the burden of proving they didn’t do anything wrong. So, what can you do to address revenge reporting if you are the victim of it? Read on. 

Contact customer support on the dating app(s) where you’ve been blocked. 

If you believe you’ve been the victim of revenge reporting, it’s important to contact customer support on the dating app or apps where you’ve been blocked as soon as possible. Although many people who’ve been victims of revenge reporting have been frustrated with the response or lack thereof from the dating app in question, it’s crucial to begin a digital trail of your complaint. It may take numerous attempts to elicit a response.  

Refrain from doing anything that could make you look bad to the dating app’s customer support.   

Even though you’re probably angry, and justifiably so, two wrongs won’t make a right. With this in mind, don’t do anything that could reflect poorly on you to the dating apps, such as finding a way to revenge report the person who reported you from another account or a friend’s account. If someone is angry or unstable enough to hurt you like this, the best thing you can do is to stay out of their way.  

If the person who blocked you reaches out to you personally, gauge the situation for safety and then decide if it makes sense to request that they reverse the block. Be polite. Do not incite them further if you do choose to talk to them. That said, you are always free to … 

Contact law enforcement if you feel unsafe.   

If revenge reporting is only the tip of the iceberg, and the person who took this action against you has done anything else to make you feel unsafe, such as harassing or cyberstalking you or has violated you in some way, contact law enforcement. Not only do you want to take action to protect yourself, but you also want to do your part in letting the authorities know this person could pose a threat to others due to their mental state.  

Set up a Google Voice account.  

When dating, it’s of paramount importance to prioritize your safety. This begins with online dating. Phone numbers, including mobile ones, are easily traced, potentially leading to a gold mine of information for even the least skilled amateur sleuth. When you set up your account, consider using a Google Voice number to limit trackability. If you’ve already been revenge blocked, a Google Voice number may act as a workaround, allowing you to set up another account with a new number.     

Seek support from a mental health professional.  

At a minimum, it can be off-putting to be falsely accused of negative behavior and not have the powers that be believe you or do anything to rectify the situation. Beyond that, as stated above, being a victim of revenge blocking can cause anxiety, depression, and other feelings that may be challenging to work through on your own. A mental health professional may be able to help, including if you’re feeling isolated and alone due to the actions of others.  

Meet matches out in the real world, off of the apps.  

Though it may not feel like it, dating apps are only one of many ways to meet singles. Yes, dating apps are effective, but dating apps are only one piece of the puzzle. There are social events in your town or city that are looking for members like you to join their groups. For example, if you like to play pickleball, which has become popular in recent years, inquire about court time and getting matched with a partner. Or go with a friend and see who you meet on the court or while drinking a smoothie afterward. 

Explore your favorite hobby by signing up for a class or joining a Meetup group. Donate your time to your favorite cause and explore the singles groups where you worship. Also, let your network know you are single and looking; people love playing matchmaking. Speaking of which, you can hire a real-life professional matchmaker who can help you brush up on your dating skills and match you up with eligible singles from their “little black book” of best-kept secrets, who may not be on the apps.  

The point is that dating apps are one tool for meeting singles, not the only tool. So, although you’re having a negative experience with an unsavory individual, in truth, they only have the power you give them. Meaning, the only one who can hold you back from meeting someone is you.  

Should You ‘Date Up?’

Dating, and by that, exposing yourself to the scrutiny of others, including the rejection that inevitably comes with it, can damage the ego. Even if someone doesn’t explain why they’ve rejected you (probably a blessing in disguise), you may begin questioning yourself anyway: Is it because of my looks, my weight, my career choice, my net worth, my family obligations, or whatever else it is that you’re insecure about? On a more broad level, you may go so far as to ponder what it means to “date up” and whether you should even bother. 

The short answer: Yes. And no.  

Yes, date whomever you want. But no, don’t date up because you shouldn’t be calling it that. Period.  

By giving power to these paired words, you take away your own. Here’s why. 

Dating up is a subjective term. 

Who’s to say that what you’re offering is, in fact, substandard? Well, someone, for sure. But that person is not the arbiter of what is desirable in a partner for anyone besides themselves, including, ironically, someone else possessing a similar lifestyle, bank account, looks, etc., to them. If one person doesn’t think you’re up to their standards, that’s their decision and theirs alone.  

It is much better to know early on if someone is looking down on you so you can invest your time in someone open to a relationship with you based on who you are as you are right now. Rejection is part of dating, especially online dating, but rejecting yourself first will limit your opportunities right out of the gate. 

Also, one person’s dating up may be another person’s dating down. Not every characteristic of dating up will be desirable. Someone may want to look for someone who’s not from generational wealth and, instead, self-made. Someone may value the earning potential of a person educated in a trade. Someone may be looking for the grit that comes from overcoming challenges from a young age. The point is that dating up doesn’t have one definition. Or any definition at all.   

Dating requires casting a wide net.  

The best way to increase your chances of finding your match is to cast a wide net. That doesn’t mean dating anyone and everyone who asks you out. It’s still up to you to be discerning, choosing dates based on how a person talks to and treats you, beginning with your first interactions. So open your search to those who may not have the color eyes you want them to, be the height you expected, or work in the profession you had in mind.  

Dating requires confidence.  

Dating success is also deeply rooted in how confident you are in yourself. When you are confident in yourself, negative words and rejection from others will sting, but they should sting slightly less because you understand who you are and where the words and rejection are coming from.  

When you are confident, you will likewise be better able to discern good matches from ones you should either not engage with or move on quickly after engaging. As someone with confidence, you will know what you want and don’t, and most importantly, what you will not stand for. That begins with not wanting anyone to waste your valuable time or you being content with wasting anyone else’s.  

A Caveat to Dating Up 

When you put someone on a pedestal, the only place they can look is down, immediately causing you to lose power. So common a behavior, there’s apparently a new name for elevating someone you’re dating or trying to date: throning. According to an article in the New York Post, throning is when you date for the perks associating with a particular person can offer, such as the boost it gives you to your reputation or social status.  

People who are throning while dating don’t shy away from dating up; they strive to. The article cites a study that found its participants look for matches that are 25% more desirable than they are.  

Problem? Yes. People don’t generally respect those who position themselves as inferior. That’s just human nature. Why, then, set yourself up for this dynamic? Just as important, if you date solely to break into a new social circle or gain social status while ignoring the qualities that could make someone a good match for you, you may miss out on meeting your person.   

Final thoughts … 

No one ever said dating was easy or always fun. It isn’t, and it won’t be. However, you don’t need to make matters worse for yourself by creating or engaging in counterproductive fictions such as dating up.  

It’s one thing to believe in fairy tales and that you will meet your prince charming one day. But to relegate yourself to thinking you should be sweeping the fireplace like Cinderella in perpetuity does nothing but keep you from the ball where there’s at least a chance at finding a happily ever after. 

From Curious to Consumed: Managing Fixation on Your Partner's Ex

Though not everyone is quick to admit it, many people have investigated their partner’s ex, usually at the start of a relationship or when it appears to have some legs. Understandable. Curiosity is natural if your current partner devoted a significant amount of time and energy to this person before you came into their life. No one would fault you for a few searches on social media.  

Where your curiosity may turn problematic is how consumed you become with your partner’s ex and how their ex causes you to feel whenever you search for them or think about them. If either becomes often, and you’re no longer learning about them but keeping tabs on them or letting them live rent-free in your head, it’s a sign that it’s time to do a bit of introspection to determine why you’re behaving and thinking as you are and what you may need to do to change your brain. Here are some suggestions.   

Understand the root cause of your jealousy.  

Your fixation on and jealousy of your partner’s ex may have less to do with them and more with you once you scratch the surface. If you’re feeling insecure about your appearance or weight, for example, or not feeling content in your career, it may lead you to turn the focus from yourself onto someone else, in this case, your partner’s ex.   

It could also be that you’re not feeling safe in your relationship. Maybe you’re not getting what you need from your partner, or you don’t feel your partner is attracted to you in the way you would want, and now, you’re wondering what it is about your partner’s ex that caused your partner to feel a spark when they were together. Whatever the reason driving you to tune into your partner’s ex’s life regularly, it’s critical for your healing that you identify and understand it.     

Focus on your current relationship. 

Sometimes, a little willpower is all you need to redirect your focus from your partner’s old relationship with their ex to your relationship with your partner. When you see your relationship for all the positives it brings to your life and recognize all of the beautiful gestures your partner makes to show their love, it should be easier to see how the past is where it should be — in the rearview mirror. With this in mind … 

Stop comparing yourself to your partner’s ex or comparing your relationship to theirs.  

Every relationship is different due to the unique dynamic two people have with each other. That dynamic can bring out either the best or worst qualities in people. Your partner's relationship with their ex was not the same as yours because of these qualities and the time in their lives when they were together.  

People change. People learn. People grow. Your partner, your partner’s ex, and you, for that matter, aren’t the same as you were years ago or even yesterday.  

Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling.  

When you’re in a solid and healthy relationship, you should be able to go to your partner and discuss your feelings. That includes your consumption with their ex. If, after introspecting, you conclude that your partner’s behavior is causing your jealousy, raise that issue with your partner, too.  

But do so without being accusatory, using I statements rather than you statements. “I feel insecure when I think about you having occasional contact with your ex,” or “I feel bad when you discuss how much you enjoyed that trip to Australia you took with your ex” are both examples of how not to place blame.  

Unless your ex has deliberately tried to manipulate you, they may not know what they’re doing or saying is bothering you. Start the conversation by giving them the benefit of the doubt.   

Reframe jealous thoughts into positive thoughts.  

Do your best not to think of your partner’s ex as a threat to your current relationship (unless you know they are) and, instead, part of your partner’s history that has helped shape them to be the partner you have come to know and love. By doing so, you effectively take those negative thoughts running through your head and reframe them into a more positive narrative. It might not be easy at first, but practice makes perfect, and eventually, you will find this exercise frees you. 

Seek professional help if needed. 

If your feelings of jealousy become so consuming that they’re interfering with your daily life, including your relationship with your partner, it may be time to seek professional support. Many mental health professionals focus on relationships and the effect they can have and can help you with yours.  

Have compassion for yourself and focus on self-growth.  

Humans are imperfect creatures. We are also constantly evolving and growing. So cut yourself some slack. You may not be proud of your behavior, but don’t beat yourself up over it.  

Instead, make positive changes, such as taking the steps outlined in this article. Likewise, focus on your self-growth. You can do this by spending your time on constructive pursuits like work, hobbies, travel, and, yes, your partner, not your partner’s ex. The result should be turning yourself back into a partner you would want to date.  

5 Signs That Guy’s a Keeper: Dating Green Flags You’ll Want to See

So often, when people talk about dating single men, it’s negative. As in, the guy said something, did something, or made you feel something that either feels off or is off the charts, and though there’s no denying it, somehow you keep finding ways to do just that — deny the red flags right in front of you. What people tend to talk about less, maybe because it’s less exciting but no less important, are the green flags, i.e., the signs that the guy’s a keeper. Here are five to keep in mind.    

He’s consistent and reliable.  

Think about what has or what would irritate you in a dating situation. A lack of follow-through is one of the first issues that should come to mind. For example, if a guy asks you for a date, he should honor it. If a guy says he’s going to call, he should call. If a guy says he will come over at a particular time, he should be there when he says.  

Of course, unforeseen events can happen to interfere with said plans. The babysitter didn’t show up. There was traffic. He’s sick. He has to work.  

Now, don’t roll your eyes. If you’ve been dating for a while, you may have heard these excuses and perhaps not believed them. A pattern from the same person? Red flag. However, if the excuses are few and far between, and he’s always been consistent and reliable, and you have every inkling to think that the guy is telling the truth, then take him at his word.  

A key indicator that an excuse is bona fide is what comes along with the excuse. If the guy is canceling, is he rescheduling? If he’s running late, is he sincerely apologetic? Especially for men you don’t know all too well or at all, how he cancels or alters the plan is telling. Listen to him and that voice inside you.  

If the guy you’ve been seeing sticks to his word, give credit where credit is due. No one’s infallible, but consistency and reliability are big green flags you shouldn’t take for granted.  

He’s respectful in his communication.  

How does a guy talk to you? Is he respectful in his communication? Not everyone’s a great conversationalist, but that has nothing to do with respect.  

Does the guy ask you questions about yourself, and is he interested in your answers? Green flag. Does he refrain from using expletives during conversation, including when talking about someone he may not like? Green flag. Does he consider your likes, opinions, and feelings? Green, green, and green. 

How will you know if a guy isn’t respectful in his communication with you? You will feel uncomfortable. If you do, red flag. A guy who’s disrespectful in his communication with you early on will only become more disrespectful as time progresses. As for the love bomber that we all know so well, the moment he lets his guard down (and he will), take heed. Red flag.   

Everyone’s entitled to a bad moment, but how bad that moment is, how the guy handles it afterward, and, most importantly, whether it happens again will give you all the information you need. Evaluate it; don’t ignore it.  

He displays kindness and empathy. 

In addition to how a guy treats you, how does he treat other people close to him, such as his parents, siblings, children, and friends? Is he empathetic to the situations they may find themselves in? Does he display interest or give his time and attention to them? Yes to all? You have some green flags in front of you. 

You should ask the same questions about the people the guy doesn’t know so well or at all. How does he talk about others in society? His colleagues? Again, is he empathetic or sympathetic to the plight of others? If he is, it’s a good sign. Green flag.   

He’s emotionally available.  

A significant part of dating is getting to know a person deeply. For that to happen, both people need to be emotionally available. That means being capable of opening up about feelings, being vulnerable, and working through challenging situations as a couple. Green flag.  

It’s pretty easy to tell if your partner isn’t emotionally available if you know what to look for. You’ll feel like you don’t really know them or what they’re thinking, mainly because they shut down whenever you want to discuss a topic or situation that could be uncomfortable for them.  

He shares your goals and values.  

Being with someone who shares your goals and values is necessary to have a successful relationship. That said, you don’t need to align on every goal or value. Only those that would otherwise be a deal breaker for you, such as wanting to have children or living in a particular location.  

If you are aligned on the goals and values that you place highest on your list of priorities, green flag. If you’re not, it’s time to reconsider whether the person you’re dating is indeed the right person for you.  

Final thoughts … 

When you’re aware of the green and red flags in your relationship, it usually means you’re doing a good job of checking in with yourself about how you feel with and about this person and whether you’re getting what you need from them. It’s important to note that red flags aren’t like green ones; red ones mean you should stop where you are. Green flags indicate you are safe to move forward now, with the understanding that there could still be a red flag somewhere down the road. 

Dismal? Depressing? Not really. That’s because the more realistic you are, the more you understand what you’re looking at, and the more likely you will see the person and relationship you’re in for what they are — the one you’ve been looking for or the one leading you there.