Should You Talk About Past Relationships With a New Partner?

Part of dating is learning about the people you meet to see if you will be compatible as a couple. Questions about your favorite ice cream flavor or pizza topping are easy and can make for some light conversation and the basis for future plans. Inevitably, though, questions will take a more serious turn, often to relationships past, which can be a bit more uncomfortable to address given the invasion of your privacy from someone you barely know.  

Still, you’ve been taught that honesty is the best policy and understand that more serious topics often speak to one’s core values, which can draw two people together on a deeper level. But does this include dating history? To a certain degree, yes. The person you’re dating has a vested interest in your dating history and you in theirs, but only in a few key areas.  

So, if you’re worried about revealing too much about your old relationships or overstepping by asking too much, consider sticking to answering or asking the following questions as they arise with the relationship’s progression.  

When did your last relationship end? 

This is a great question because you want to make sure that the person you’re getting involved with is available to date. Not just because they are currently “single” but also because they’re emotionally available.  

Someone whose last relationship recently ended may not only be thinking about their ex but also be in contact with them. Based on your date’s initial answer, you can ask whether they are still in contact with their last ex, how often, and to what degree. Armed with this information, you can decide whether to move forward with them.  

If you’re asked this question, be honest with the person, but also be honest with yourself. Are you on this date in body and in mind? 

Are you in contact with other exes? 

A divorced parent will likely be in close contact with their ex-spouse for co-parenting purposes. If they’re not or have limited contact with their children, you may want to inquire about the tenor of these relationships and how their situation came to pass.  

You’d be surprised how much people reveal when talking about their ex-spouse. Listen for details about domestic violence, financial matters, assumption of blame, and name-calling and whether you would categorize their answers as red or green flags.  

As for dating history following the marriage, keeping a lot of exes in the mix “as friends” can be cause for concern. Though the person telling you about all of the friends they’ve made from dating will often cite their own likeability as the reason for staying friends, these friendships are more often rooted in either them or the other person not being entirely over the relationship and hanging around to either keep tabs or get another shot. These newfound friendships may also involve being friends with benefits. Regardless of the real explanation, proceed with caution. The truth will usually reveal itself in time.  

If you’re being asked the question, it’s time to check in with yourself about your availability for a new relationship. Having a lot of plates spinning generally isn’t conducive to focusing on someone new.  

Keep in mind also that sexual exclusivity is a topic that’s fair game in a new relationship. A current sexual partner should have a clear understanding of whether they are the only sexual partner and feel comfortable requesting STI testing as well as undergoing it. 

Have you experienced any sort of relationship trauma that could affect a new relationship? 

Past relationship trauma, though it’s not always easy to admit, can shape the lens through which people view new relationships. Past relationship trauma can include physical and emotional abuse, emotional or physical cheating, and financial infidelity, among other types.  

When and if these subjects come up can depend. It could be in response to a direct question or revealed in a passing comment, which, again, is why you should brush up on your listening skills.  

If you are the one being asked about past trauma, reveal only what you are comfortable revealing. It’s fine to say something to the tune of, “I’m not comfortable talking about this right now. Perhaps when we get to know each other better.” Then, decide if you want to get still to know this person better.  

Final Thoughts 

Generally, it’s best to stick to small talk during a first date. However, conversations can take on a life of their own and get more personal. It’s not necessarily a bad thing; it can actually become a way to connect.  

That said, you should always feel free, as should the person you are conversing with, to change the subject. Respect is key here. Never push for information or allow yourself to be pushed for information. 

Exclusive But Not a Couple: What Does it Mean?

Terminology in dating can be confusing, especially when talking about relationship status. The dreaded question, “Where is this relationship going?” often won’t even cut it anymore (1) because there are so many new terms to describe relationship status, (2) many people don’t fully understand what these terms mean, and (3) those who do sometimes take advantage of the nuances that exist between the terms. An example of such nuanced language exists between the meanings of exclusive and couple. Spoiler: They are not the same. Here’s why. 

Exclusivity in Dating  

Picture this: You’re dating someone new, and they’re saying and doing all the right things. They’re texting and calling. You’re going on regular outings together. They’re reliable. They’re respectful. You’re attracted to each other, and so far, you haven’t noticed any red flags to give you the heebie jeebies. Because of all the green flags, you’re pretty sure sex is on the horizon. 

Though a lot of people think it can be a mood killer, and it can be, it’s helpful to have a conversation before sex so that you understand how it will change your relationship. Will is the operative word here, not can, because sex is a monumental step in any relationship, given how not everyone’s interpretation of its importance will be the same. In other words, sex won’t automatically make you a couple. Nor will it make you exclusive.  

Exclusivity and coupledom can get confusing when two people agree to be exclusive but do not mention being in a committed relationship in every sense. Pro tip: In dating, you should assume nothing. If there’s no agreement between you and a partner that you’re a couple, you should take it as you aren’t one.  

In modern-day dating, exclusivity has a sexual connotation — it implies that you and your partner are only having sex with each other. That being said, you and your partner should still state this explicitly to avoid misunderstandings. You and your partner should also be tested for STIs and exchange verifiable results, continuing to use protection as many infections won’t show up immediately if recently contracted.  

The Title of Boyfriend or Girlfriend 

Being a couple — being someone’s boyfriend or girlfriend — means you are committed to one another for the foreseeable future and aren’t shopping around for other prospects. Prospects that, if they were to pique your interest, you would consider sleeping with. (But, hopefully, not before a conversation if you are sexually exclusive.)  

Beyond committing to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, other people should be aware of this fact. When introducing new people, it should be stated, “This is my girlfriend, Kate,” or “This is my boyfriend, Bob.” Not, “This is Kate,” or “This is Bob.” 

Your relationship status should also be apparent to others on social media. You should have full access to each other’s social media profiles as friends or followers and, if they’re posting regularly, be included or referenced in some of their posts. For example, if you are spending the day together, your partner should not just post pictures of themselves at a location where you were together as if they were there alone. 

It’s important to note that not everyone uses social media to the same extent, and social media use is not the only barometer of relationship health. However, if your boyfriend or girlfriend’s usage of social media makes you uncomfortable in any way, i.e., they are liking or commenting consistently on other singles’ social media posts, or you feel left out, you’re best off listening to your intuition and raising the issue with your partner as soon as possible. You’ll know by their responses where you stand in actuality. 

The same is true of micro-cheating. Though rules for what behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t can vary from relationship to relationship, some behaviors are red flags. Again, if you’re feeling uneasy, have that discussion.     

How to Talk About Relationship Status 

Discussions about relationship status start in your dating profile, whether you use online dating or have hired a matchmaker to guide your search. Whatever profile you create should clearly state your relationship intentions.  

This comes after taking time to fully understand what you want from a relationship and your non-negotiables. This way, if someone tries to get you to move your boundaries and compromise on what’s most important to you, you’ll be less likely to do so when the pressure is on.

Once you are dating someone regularly, don’t be afraid to speak up if you have a question or are unclear about something your partner has said. You must be an advocate for yourself at all times. Unfortunately, not only will people you don’t know put themselves first (it’s human nature), but they can do so at your expense (not human nature but the m.o. for some). Though paying for coffee or a meal is OK, paying for a date with your emotional or physical health is not.  

Final Thoughts 

Not every conversation will be easy or have the outcome you desire. However, knowing where you stand in a relationship means you’re already on your feet, positioned to walk away from a partner who doesn’t suit you and toward one who does.  

How to Recognize Hoovering from a Narcissist: 5 Warning Signs

Hoovering is a manipulative tactic used by a narcissist to regain control after being distanced or rejected by a love interest. It’s important to recognize hoovering behaviors as they can land you right back into a toxic or abusive relationship. Here are five signs to watch out for.  

1. Excessive Communication After a Period of Silence 

An effective strategy when ending a relationship with a narcissist is to go through a period of “no contact.” Ending contact with a narcissist allows you to gain perspective about your relationship and see the other person’s behavior for what it was and how it affected you. It also allows you to heal. 

Sound good? For you, yes. For the narcissist who has lost control over you, not so much. Your ignoring them will likely make them angry and, as a result, work hard to get you back under their spell. They will show that they think nothing of the boundary you set by contacting you repeatedly, even though you’ve made it clear you don’t want them to.  

It doesn’t matter if you haven’t heard from this person in a while, either; hoovering often involves them persistently reaching out after long periods of silence. Most commonly, hoovering will begin with calls, texts, emails, and gestures over social media, such as liking or commenting on posts or sharing content with you. In more brazen acts, they will show up unexpectedly at your home or magically appear in public places where they expect to find you.  

Their intention? To draw you back into their world of chaos before you even realize what’s happening. 

2. Promise of Change or Apologies 

A narcissist who’s hoovering you may promise that they’ve changed or express how sorry they are for their past actions. It shouldn’t take much to realize that these apologies are manipulative attempts designed to put them back in your good graces. Narcissists are slick and will know just how to pray on your emotions and take advantage of your kind nature.  

If you aren’t sure about your ex’s intentions, look to the past. Usually, you’ve already witnessed how their apologies are short-lived.   

3. Using Guilt to Make You Feel Responsible 

No one’s better at guilt-tripping than a narcissist who wants you back. They will stop at nothing to make you feel like you owe them a second chance or that they are the victim in the situation because they’re always the victim. 

Saying things like, “We have years together, and you owe it to us to give me one more chance,” and “I don’t know how I’ll go on if you don’t take me back” are two examples of guilt-tripping. Though it can be hard to stand your ground, these statements are manipulative and not in your best interest.  

4. Sudden Acts of Kindness or Grand Gestures 

If you suddenly receive gifts from your ex or they make grand gestures that are uncalled for given your current status, you’re best off recognizing them for what they are: blatant attempts to win your affection and regain your trust.

Don’t fall for it. You don’t owe them anything in return. You didn’t ask for this, and their behavior is on them.   

5. Toxic Behavior Masked as ‘Love’ or ‘Care’ 

“Aww, they’re so caring the way they brought me soup after they found out I was sick from one of my friends.”  

“That was so thoughtful of them to change the light bulbs outside my house without my asking.” 

“It was so nice how they relieved my landscaper to clean up my yard themselves so I wouldn’t have to pay anyone.” 

Disguised as love and care, when coming from a person who’s already shown you who they are, these are clear examples of stalking, controlling, and excessive behavior. Consider the ulterior motive behind the words and actions.  

What to Do if You Realize Your Ex Is Trying to Hoover You.  

If you recognize your ex has resurfaced to bring you back into their midst, even if you’ve already broken no contact, it’s not too late to enforce your boundaries. Start the clock again without blaming yourself, with 30 days as your first goal.  

Once you reach 30 days, pat yourself on the back and keep going, no matter what tricks your ex pulls out of their sleeve. When dealing with a narcissist, it may take you a few tries to get it right because they’re that good at what they do, which is fooling you into believing they’ve changed.  

As you’ll continue to realize, they haven’t. And, if you continue to stand your ground, they’ll soon realize you have. 

What Your Partner’s Social Media Habits May Say About Your Relationship

You may wonder how important social media is in a relationship, including how your partner uses it (or doesn’t) to document your presence in their life and your relationship together. A partner’s social media habits can, in many respects, say a lot about the health of your relationship, which is why examining your partner’s social media habits can be well worth your time. This is especially true if some of their online behaviors bother you or leave you scratching your head as you try to figure out what they mean. Here are a few to look out for and what they could indicate.  

Your partner won’t connect with you on their social media accounts (or all of their social media accounts).  

Some people are very liberal with their social media, adding those they barely know, including someone they’ve recently met, to their followers or friends. But what about someone you’ve been dating, even exclusively, not only neglecting to add you but outright rebuffing you when you ask them to? Red flag.  

If someone is willing to be intimate with you, spend time with you, and converse with you regularly about what’s happening in your and their lives, they should have no problem allowing you to see what they posted for breakfast. Of course, the problem for them might be what else you will learn if they add you to their account(s). One of those things is that they appear single online.  

Your partner won’t post you on their social media accounts because they want to appear single online.  

So, say you somehow get a glimpse of your partner’s social media after you’ve been dating for a while, have the title of boyfriend or girlfriend, and have met each other’s families and discover there’s no mention of you in any way, shape, or form online. Would you be annoyed? If you’re human and have any feeling left inside you, your answer is probably yes.  

Yes, there may be a reason the person does not make mention of you, such as the fact you have done that to them first (grab the mirror), but if you haven’t, you should question what this person is trying to convey to those they have given a key to the kingdom. Likely, it’s that they’re single, even if they’re not. 

As a side note, beware of the person who adds you but doesn’t give you full access. You can limit the audience of your Facebook posts, for example, just as you can your friends’ access to specific categories of posts. Are you sure you’re seeing the complete picture? If you notice you’re friends but can only see the person’s public posts, they may be posting content you have been restricted from viewing.   

Your partner gets defensive when questioned about their social media habits. 

If you question your partner about why they won’t connect with you and why you’re noticeably absent from their social media accounts or a particular account, and then they gaslight you, you better watch out. Usually, they’re hiding something. Whether it’s that they want to appear single or don’t want you to see who they’re interacting with online, or they’re deliberately trying to devalue you as narcissists tend to do, the answer isn’t a good one.  

A partner who cares about you will want to make you feel included in their life, especially if you revealed that their social media habits were causing you to feel otherwise. A relationship partner shouldn’t go to great lengths to defend their behavior but should do what they can to correct it.   

Your partner is actively connecting with accounts belonging to other singles.  

What about if you have full access to your significant other’s social media account and see that they’re regularly adding accounts belonging to other singles? Ask them about it, including where they have been meeting these people. Do they know them in real life? Why are they adding them?

Make a mental note of your partner’s answers and how you feel upon hearing them. Do you believe your partner, or do you think they are gaslighting you? Your gut usually doesn’t steer you wrong. But if you aren’t sure, pay attention to your partner’s interactions with these accounts, theirs with your partner’s, and theirs with yours.  

For instance, if a new account that makes you suspicious begins liking your posts with your partner, or one of these accounts follows your account, this person may have an agenda. Again, confront your partner and see what they say.   

Your partner repeatedly “likes,” “loves,” or comments on social media posts belonging to singles, including seductive poses.  

Take heed if your partner is repeatedly “liking,” “loving,” or commenting on other singles’ social media posts, including seductive poses. This is a form of communication; when you offer compliments like these, you are saying out loud what you’re thinking because you want the recipient to know.  

It’s OK to like something in your head, to find someone else attractive besides your partner. But when you make that public to that person, a partner could construe it as a sign of disrespect, perhaps micro-cheating, depending on the boundaries of the relationship.  

Your partner receives or sends private messages over social media accounts.  

Have you seen your partner communicating via private message with accounts belonging to other singles? Has your partner told you about these communications outright as if it’s no big deal, or shielded their phone from you when you glanced over? Do they become irate if you question them, gaslighting you as if you’re the problem? More importantly, how do your partner’s responses make you feel? 

You catch your partner lying. 

If, by accident or because your partner finally admits it, you discover your partner lied to you, you have a decision to make. Their coming clean to you doesn’t absolve them of having deceived you, and you have every right to be angry. How you channel that anger is on you, including reevaluating your relationship in favor of one where you and your partner use social media to share your happiness, not take it away.  

What It Means When Your Breakup Feels Good

With so much attention on recovering from a breakup, you may wonder what's going on if you break up with your partner and feel anything less than terrible. Though you may not have realized it, not every breakup leads to despair and crying over a pint of ice cream. And there’s a reason for that — a few, actually. Here’s what it means when your breakup doesn’t just feel bad but feels good instead.  

You’re relieved.  

When relationships aren’t working, no matter how long it has been, they can cause one or both people a lot of tension. Whether that tension is due to frequent arguments, a partner’s abusive behavior, recognizing you and your partner have grown apart, or simply wanting to be on your own for a while, the end can feel like a weight being lifted off of you.  

Sometimes, just the anticipation of knowing your relationship is on a path to its demise because your goals aren’t aligned, despite you loving your partner, is enough to cause intense stress. It’s why when the relationship finally does end, you find yourself pleasantly surprised at how good you feel, maybe even leading you to wonder why you didn’t leave the relationship sooner.      

You now better understand what you want in a relationship (and this wasn’t it). 

In every relationship, you have the opportunity to learn more about yourself. Through your interactions with someone else, you get to assess what you like about your life with them and what you don’t. You get to ask yourself the following questions: Am I growing as an individual, even though I’m partnered? Do I like who I am with my partner? Can I see myself sharing a future with this person?  

After spending time in a relationship, you should have some definitive answers to these questions. Doubt, by the way, is also an answer. If not all of your answers signal that you should stay together, you may choose to listen to your gut (almost always the correct answer) and leave. Except now, you should be directed by the information you’ve obtained from being with your partner, which should also speak to your goals for your next relationship.  

You’re looking forward to having more time to focus on yourself.  

It’s natural when you’re in a relationship for some activities or friendships to take a backseat. There are only so many hours in a day, and with career or family obligations, it can become hard to keep every plate spinning. 

When you end a relationship, you will naturally have more time. This can be good for introspection as well as being the perfect time to revisit old interests or find new ones. It can also be a good time to check in with people you weren’t able to spend as much time with when you were partnered.  

Finally, if you’ve been neglecting your health or want to step up your self-care regimen, improving both diet and exercise, a breakup can be the perfect reason to jumpstart healthy habits. Not only will you look better, you’ll feel better.  

You recognize you have pressing issues in your own life to deal with.  

Your partner wasn’t the only one in your relationship, nor the only one who contributed to the dynamic you shared. We all have emotional issues, a past, and coping mechanisms that drive us to behave and react as we do. Now unpartnered, you have the perspective you may not have had before to reflect on your contribution to the relationship and what you may need to do to make yourself more relationship-ready moving forward. 

A breakup can be a challenging time. But the good news is that you don’t have to do it alone. Lean on your support system, including friends, family, clergy, and mental health professionals, for stability and encouragement. If you’re open to it, there’s help available to you.    

You want to take time to enjoy your independence.  

There’s something empowering about making your own decisions and not having to compromise for a while. You can go to bed when you feel like it, sleep in on the weekends if that’s your choice, or take off for a spontaneous trip. These ideas are only the tip of the iceberg. Every day can be an adventure when you're in charge, so enjoy it. You earned it.  

You’re excited about the possibilities of what’s to come. 

Ending a relationship means you are, by default, opening yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone new. Though that might not be your first concern if your relationship recently ended and you want to process it (usually a smart idea), the opportunity is there when you feel ready. So is access to those, like myself, who have the experience and tools to make your dating journey smoother, more pointed, and, as a result, more fruitful, not to mention fun.  

Is Checking Up on Your Partner Healthy?

Do you ever find your head turning instinctively when you hear your partner’s phone vibrate with an incoming text? Look over your partner’s shoulder to see what they’re looking at so intently on Instagram? Watch who they’ve added on social media or whether they’ve been commenting on or liking posts from those who are obviously single and posting seductive content? And, in extreme cases, posting on an “Are We Seeing the Same Guy?” Facebook group, “Does anyone recognize my partner from the dating apps?”  

If you have or are doing any of these things, then this blog post is for you because there’s long been a debate about whether such behavior is “normal” in a relationship and whether you should or shouldn’t be doing it. As with anything about modern dating, the answer isn’t so clear-cut and is not only rooted in what you’re doing but also why. Here’s what you need to consider.  

Has your partner given you reason to doubt them? 

If you’re noticing behavior from your partner that’s not consistent with someone who’s prioritizing you and your relationship, it’s important first to be honest with yourself. Is what you’re seeing accurate? Or is the lens you’re looking through being clouded by past relationships or past trauma in your life? 

Though it can hurt to come to certain realizations, facing them head-on is a must. The reason is that you have to be in a position to gauge whether you are where you’re supposed to be, meaning in the relationship as it exists right now, with this partner at all, or in need of finding outside support to help you address your personal issues.  

Have you communicated to your partner that certain behaviors of theirs are bothersome to you? 

If you’re confident that what you’re seeing from your partner is not the behavior of a devoted partner, whether it’s micro-cheating or full-on straying, you should confront your partner. How they respond should tell you all you need to know.  

If your partner appears genuinely remorseful and wants to curtail their behavior and focus their attention on you, ask yourself whether you’d be willing to work on your relationship with them. If yes, keep an open mind. That said, continue to be aware of what’s going on around you. 

This is where it can get tricky. While you want to keep your eyes open for indiscretions on their part, you don’t want it to become a full-time job for you. If it does, if your partner signals that you cannot trust them, then it’s time to reevaluate your future as a couple.  

Has your checking up on them become obsessive? 

Are you checking your partner’s social media accounts every day? Going through their phone? The pockets of their pants? Or doing whatever it is that you’ve been doing to sate your suspicions for the moment? Check yourself that you’re not feeling compelled to do so for fear you will miss something.  

Obsessively checking up on a partner because you feel like you have to is no way to live. You deserve to be with a partner you trust because they’ve given you all the reason in the world to trust them. What you don’t deserve is a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop because you have this feeling in your gut that it will. Pro tip: Your gut is rarely wrong.  

Why are you staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good? 

Too often, people stay in relationships they don’t feel good about because of the time they’ve already put into it. Though it’s OK to work on your marriage or relationship by seeking counseling alongside an equally willing partner, it’s also perfectly acceptable to move on.  

You don’t owe someone your life. Conversely, a partner who’s acting out because they’re unhappy doesn’t owe you anything, which is why you should let them go.  

Final thoughts … 

No relationship is a waste of time, even the “bad” ones or the ones that fizzle out. Every relationship is about learning — learning about your partner but, more importantly, learning about yourself.  

You will not be the same person as you were when you entered a relationship when you leave it. You will be stronger, wiser, and one step closer to finding the person you’re meant to be with.  

The only question that remains is where you are on your path toward finding them. If you consider the foregoing, it’s a question you will hopefully now have the answer to.  

Would You Date a Man Who Lives With His Parents?

In dating, the question, “Would you date a man who lives with his parents?” sometimes comes up. Why? Because it’s not unheard of regardless of a man’s age, especially since there can be compelling reasons for it. So, if your position is, “No way would I date a man who lives with his parents,” consider the following and whether you may just want to give the guy a chance.  

It’s part of his culture.  

In many cultures, living in a multigenerational household is not just common; it’s the norm. Therefore, if a man is living with his parents, it doesn’t have to mean he’s doing so because he has to.  

In Chinese culture, for example, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, and children may all live under one roof. The same is true for Indian families, with everyone taking on a specific role in the home, from cooking to childcare. There are many more examples worldwide.  

The point is that even if the guy and his family now reside in the U.S., they may still be strongly tied to their culture. This includes the American-born guy you met on a dating app who still goes home to his parents and perhaps his grandparents each night.  

Don’t assume he’s broke or a bad guy. His living situation could indicate something quite the contrary — and positive — about him. 

He’s intent on saving money.  

He may be young and just starting out in life, or his divorce (or other life event) may have put him in the position of having to start over. So, to build a strong foundation for himself, he’s decided to share space with Mom and Dad.  

Being fiscally responsible is a commendable trait, so don’t dismiss a guy living with his parents before you have all the facts, including who the roof over his head belongs to. It could be his, his parents, or all of theirs, and he could very well be sharing the rent/mortgage payment, meaning paying his own way. Remember, everyone has a story and a reason for doing things a certain way, including the guy in question.  

He’s caring for a sick parent.  

Midlifers may be part of what’s known as the sandwich generation. This group is generally comprised of those in their forties or fifties (or older) who are now charged with becoming the caretakers of their parents while still having to assume some of the financial burden of their young adult children. This can cause a lot of stress on emotions and one’s bottom line.  

Living under a single roof with an aging or sick parent who needs extra care can help alleviate some of that stress. Again, it doesn’t have to mean the man is home on the couch day after day playing Fortnite.  

He’s recovering from health issues himself.  

Parents and grandparents aren’t the only ones who can suffer from health issues, physical or mental. No one is immune, and the man you’re talking to who’s sleeping in his boyhood bed may also be on the tail end of recovering from a condition and have needed the extra love and support only his immediate family could offer him during a difficult time. Knowing when to seek help and having the courage to ask for it is also a positive.  

It’s temporary. 

A man‘s choice to live with his parents may only be temporary due to a recent divorce, a job change, or a relocation. Keep in mind that he may dislike the idea as much as you do. However, he may understand better than you do the realities of his situation and that the current setup works for him. Again, this is a positive, not a negative.  

Final thoughts … 

Yes, living with a parent or parents as an adult can raise some red flags. Legitimate red flags. The guy could be cheap, broke, emotionally unstable, a criminal, etc. However, you won’t know for sure unless you dig deeper. There are a few ways to do this.  

But before that, it needs to be said: Go with your gut. If you’ve got a bad feeling about the guy, move on, no questions asked.

However, if you feel good about the guy, and the only thing holding you back from dating him is his living situation, it’s time to ask him why he’s living with his parents and how long he intends to do so. Next, ask how it would work logistically should you begin to date more seriously. The tone the guy answers in will be just as telling as the answers he gives. Again, listen to that little voice inside you.  

Dating isn’t often straightforward. Life can be messy and can become even messier as we age. This means no match will ever be perfect. The trick is to figure out what you’re willing to live with, for how long, and what you’re not. A guy living with his parents is just another of these considerations, one which may be important to you and not so important to someone else.  

Are You a Victim of Dating App ‘Revenge Reporting’?

As if it hasn’t been bad enough to receive unsavory comments and requests while using online dating apps or worrying about someone else’s hurt feelings after you politely (or even not so politely) reject them, there’s a new trend making the dating landscape even more of a minefield: revenge reporting.

Not only do you now have to worry about avoiding creeps and making sure creeps don’t keep trying to interact with you, but these days, you also have to worry that they’ll take their anger out on you by reporting you to the dating app for something you didn’t do and getting banned from the app without further inquiry. Being reinstated often proves difficult.  

According to a 2023 news report by NBC, the effects of revenge reporting are often far-reaching, given how one company can own multiple platforms. For example, Match Group, Inc. owns Match, Plenty of Fish, Tinder, and Hinge, among others. As a result, being blocked from using online dating apps can have serious repercussions for blocked users’ mental health, not only leaving them isolated and lonely but also having to deal with the feelings that come from having to assume the burden of proving they didn’t do anything wrong. So, what can you do to address revenge reporting if you are the victim of it? Read on. 

Contact customer support on the dating app(s) where you’ve been blocked. 

If you believe you’ve been the victim of revenge reporting, it’s important to contact customer support on the dating app or apps where you’ve been blocked as soon as possible. Although many people who’ve been victims of revenge reporting have been frustrated with the response or lack thereof from the dating app in question, it’s crucial to begin a digital trail of your complaint. It may take numerous attempts to elicit a response.  

Refrain from doing anything that could make you look bad to the dating app’s customer support.   

Even though you’re probably angry, and justifiably so, two wrongs won’t make a right. With this in mind, don’t do anything that could reflect poorly on you to the dating apps, such as finding a way to revenge report the person who reported you from another account or a friend’s account. If someone is angry or unstable enough to hurt you like this, the best thing you can do is to stay out of their way.  

If the person who blocked you reaches out to you personally, gauge the situation for safety and then decide if it makes sense to request that they reverse the block. Be polite. Do not incite them further if you do choose to talk to them. That said, you are always free to … 

Contact law enforcement if you feel unsafe.   

If revenge reporting is only the tip of the iceberg, and the person who took this action against you has done anything else to make you feel unsafe, such as harassing or cyberstalking you or has violated you in some way, contact law enforcement. Not only do you want to take action to protect yourself, but you also want to do your part in letting the authorities know this person could pose a threat to others due to their mental state.  

Set up a Google Voice account.  

When dating, it’s of paramount importance to prioritize your safety. This begins with online dating. Phone numbers, including mobile ones, are easily traced, potentially leading to a gold mine of information for even the least skilled amateur sleuth. When you set up your account, consider using a Google Voice number to limit trackability. If you’ve already been revenge blocked, a Google Voice number may act as a workaround, allowing you to set up another account with a new number.     

Seek support from a mental health professional.  

At a minimum, it can be off-putting to be falsely accused of negative behavior and not have the powers that be believe you or do anything to rectify the situation. Beyond that, as stated above, being a victim of revenge blocking can cause anxiety, depression, and other feelings that may be challenging to work through on your own. A mental health professional may be able to help, including if you’re feeling isolated and alone due to the actions of others.  

Meet matches out in the real world, off of the apps.  

Though it may not feel like it, dating apps are only one of many ways to meet singles. Yes, dating apps are effective, but dating apps are only one piece of the puzzle. There are social events in your town or city that are looking for members like you to join their groups. For example, if you like to play pickleball, which has become popular in recent years, inquire about court time and getting matched with a partner. Or go with a friend and see who you meet on the court or while drinking a smoothie afterward. 

Explore your favorite hobby by signing up for a class or joining a Meetup group. Donate your time to your favorite cause and explore the singles groups where you worship. Also, let your network know you are single and looking; people love playing matchmaking. Speaking of which, you can hire a real-life professional matchmaker who can help you brush up on your dating skills and match you up with eligible singles from their “little black book” of best-kept secrets, who may not be on the apps.  

The point is that dating apps are one tool for meeting singles, not the only tool. So, although you’re having a negative experience with an unsavory individual, in truth, they only have the power you give them. Meaning, the only one who can hold you back from meeting someone is you.  

Should You ‘Date Up?’

Dating, and by that, exposing yourself to the scrutiny of others, including the rejection that inevitably comes with it, can damage the ego. Even if someone doesn’t explain why they’ve rejected you (probably a blessing in disguise), you may begin questioning yourself anyway: Is it because of my looks, my weight, my career choice, my net worth, my family obligations, or whatever else it is that you’re insecure about? On a more broad level, you may go so far as to ponder what it means to “date up” and whether you should even bother. 

The short answer: Yes. And no.  

Yes, date whomever you want. But no, don’t date up because you shouldn’t be calling it that. Period.  

By giving power to these paired words, you take away your own. Here’s why. 

Dating up is a subjective term. 

Who’s to say that what you’re offering is, in fact, substandard? Well, someone, for sure. But that person is not the arbiter of what is desirable in a partner for anyone besides themselves, including, ironically, someone else possessing a similar lifestyle, bank account, looks, etc., to them. If one person doesn’t think you’re up to their standards, that’s their decision and theirs alone.  

It is much better to know early on if someone is looking down on you so you can invest your time in someone open to a relationship with you based on who you are as you are right now. Rejection is part of dating, especially online dating, but rejecting yourself first will limit your opportunities right out of the gate. 

Also, one person’s dating up may be another person’s dating down. Not every characteristic of dating up will be desirable. Someone may want to look for someone who’s not from generational wealth and, instead, self-made. Someone may value the earning potential of a person educated in a trade. Someone may be looking for the grit that comes from overcoming challenges from a young age. The point is that dating up doesn’t have one definition. Or any definition at all.   

Dating requires casting a wide net.  

The best way to increase your chances of finding your match is to cast a wide net. That doesn’t mean dating anyone and everyone who asks you out. It’s still up to you to be discerning, choosing dates based on how a person talks to and treats you, beginning with your first interactions. So open your search to those who may not have the color eyes you want them to, be the height you expected, or work in the profession you had in mind.  

Dating requires confidence.  

Dating success is also deeply rooted in how confident you are in yourself. When you are confident in yourself, negative words and rejection from others will sting, but they should sting slightly less because you understand who you are and where the words and rejection are coming from.  

When you are confident, you will likewise be better able to discern good matches from ones you should either not engage with or move on quickly after engaging. As someone with confidence, you will know what you want and don’t, and most importantly, what you will not stand for. That begins with not wanting anyone to waste your valuable time or you being content with wasting anyone else’s.  

A Caveat to Dating Up 

When you put someone on a pedestal, the only place they can look is down, immediately causing you to lose power. So common a behavior, there’s apparently a new name for elevating someone you’re dating or trying to date: throning. According to an article in the New York Post, throning is when you date for the perks associating with a particular person can offer, such as the boost it gives you to your reputation or social status.  

People who are throning while dating don’t shy away from dating up; they strive to. The article cites a study that found its participants look for matches that are 25% more desirable than they are.  

Problem? Yes. People don’t generally respect those who position themselves as inferior. That’s just human nature. Why, then, set yourself up for this dynamic? Just as important, if you date solely to break into a new social circle or gain social status while ignoring the qualities that could make someone a good match for you, you may miss out on meeting your person.   

Final thoughts … 

No one ever said dating was easy or always fun. It isn’t, and it won’t be. However, you don’t need to make matters worse for yourself by creating or engaging in counterproductive fictions such as dating up.  

It’s one thing to believe in fairy tales and that you will meet your prince charming one day. But to relegate yourself to thinking you should be sweeping the fireplace like Cinderella in perpetuity does nothing but keep you from the ball where there’s at least a chance at finding a happily ever after. 

From Curious to Consumed: Managing Fixation on Your Partner's Ex

Though not everyone is quick to admit it, many people have investigated their partner’s ex, usually at the start of a relationship or when it appears to have some legs. Understandable. Curiosity is natural if your current partner devoted a significant amount of time and energy to this person before you came into their life. No one would fault you for a few searches on social media.  

Where your curiosity may turn problematic is how consumed you become with your partner’s ex and how their ex causes you to feel whenever you search for them or think about them. If either becomes often, and you’re no longer learning about them but keeping tabs on them or letting them live rent-free in your head, it’s a sign that it’s time to do a bit of introspection to determine why you’re behaving and thinking as you are and what you may need to do to change your brain. Here are some suggestions.   

Understand the root cause of your jealousy.  

Your fixation on and jealousy of your partner’s ex may have less to do with them and more with you once you scratch the surface. If you’re feeling insecure about your appearance or weight, for example, or not feeling content in your career, it may lead you to turn the focus from yourself onto someone else, in this case, your partner’s ex.   

It could also be that you’re not feeling safe in your relationship. Maybe you’re not getting what you need from your partner, or you don’t feel your partner is attracted to you in the way you would want, and now, you’re wondering what it is about your partner’s ex that caused your partner to feel a spark when they were together. Whatever the reason driving you to tune into your partner’s ex’s life regularly, it’s critical for your healing that you identify and understand it.     

Focus on your current relationship. 

Sometimes, a little willpower is all you need to redirect your focus from your partner’s old relationship with their ex to your relationship with your partner. When you see your relationship for all the positives it brings to your life and recognize all of the beautiful gestures your partner makes to show their love, it should be easier to see how the past is where it should be — in the rearview mirror. With this in mind … 

Stop comparing yourself to your partner’s ex or comparing your relationship to theirs.  

Every relationship is different due to the unique dynamic two people have with each other. That dynamic can bring out either the best or worst qualities in people. Your partner's relationship with their ex was not the same as yours because of these qualities and the time in their lives when they were together.  

People change. People learn. People grow. Your partner, your partner’s ex, and you, for that matter, aren’t the same as you were years ago or even yesterday.  

Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling.  

When you’re in a solid and healthy relationship, you should be able to go to your partner and discuss your feelings. That includes your consumption with their ex. If, after introspecting, you conclude that your partner’s behavior is causing your jealousy, raise that issue with your partner, too.  

But do so without being accusatory, using I statements rather than you statements. “I feel insecure when I think about you having occasional contact with your ex,” or “I feel bad when you discuss how much you enjoyed that trip to Australia you took with your ex” are both examples of how not to place blame.  

Unless your ex has deliberately tried to manipulate you, they may not know what they’re doing or saying is bothering you. Start the conversation by giving them the benefit of the doubt.   

Reframe jealous thoughts into positive thoughts.  

Do your best not to think of your partner’s ex as a threat to your current relationship (unless you know they are) and, instead, part of your partner’s history that has helped shape them to be the partner you have come to know and love. By doing so, you effectively take those negative thoughts running through your head and reframe them into a more positive narrative. It might not be easy at first, but practice makes perfect, and eventually, you will find this exercise frees you. 

Seek professional help if needed. 

If your feelings of jealousy become so consuming that they’re interfering with your daily life, including your relationship with your partner, it may be time to seek professional support. Many mental health professionals focus on relationships and the effect they can have and can help you with yours.  

Have compassion for yourself and focus on self-growth.  

Humans are imperfect creatures. We are also constantly evolving and growing. So cut yourself some slack. You may not be proud of your behavior, but don’t beat yourself up over it.  

Instead, make positive changes, such as taking the steps outlined in this article. Likewise, focus on your self-growth. You can do this by spending your time on constructive pursuits like work, hobbies, travel, and, yes, your partner, not your partner’s ex. The result should be turning yourself back into a partner you would want to date.  

5 Signs That Guy’s a Keeper: Dating Green Flags You’ll Want to See

So often, when people talk about dating single men, it’s negative. As in, the guy said something, did something, or made you feel something that either feels off or is off the charts, and though there’s no denying it, somehow you keep finding ways to do just that — deny the red flags right in front of you. What people tend to talk about less, maybe because it’s less exciting but no less important, are the green flags, i.e., the signs that the guy’s a keeper. Here are five to keep in mind.    

He’s consistent and reliable.  

Think about what has or what would irritate you in a dating situation. A lack of follow-through is one of the first issues that should come to mind. For example, if a guy asks you for a date, he should honor it. If a guy says he’s going to call, he should call. If a guy says he will come over at a particular time, he should be there when he says.  

Of course, unforeseen events can happen to interfere with said plans. The babysitter didn’t show up. There was traffic. He’s sick. He has to work.  

Now, don’t roll your eyes. If you’ve been dating for a while, you may have heard these excuses and perhaps not believed them. A pattern from the same person? Red flag. However, if the excuses are few and far between, and he’s always been consistent and reliable, and you have every inkling to think that the guy is telling the truth, then take him at his word.  

A key indicator that an excuse is bona fide is what comes along with the excuse. If the guy is canceling, is he rescheduling? If he’s running late, is he sincerely apologetic? Especially for men you don’t know all too well or at all, how he cancels or alters the plan is telling. Listen to him and that voice inside you.  

If the guy you’ve been seeing sticks to his word, give credit where credit is due. No one’s infallible, but consistency and reliability are big green flags you shouldn’t take for granted.  

He’s respectful in his communication.  

How does a guy talk to you? Is he respectful in his communication? Not everyone’s a great conversationalist, but that has nothing to do with respect.  

Does the guy ask you questions about yourself, and is he interested in your answers? Green flag. Does he refrain from using expletives during conversation, including when talking about someone he may not like? Green flag. Does he consider your likes, opinions, and feelings? Green, green, and green. 

How will you know if a guy isn’t respectful in his communication with you? You will feel uncomfortable. If you do, red flag. A guy who’s disrespectful in his communication with you early on will only become more disrespectful as time progresses. As for the love bomber that we all know so well, the moment he lets his guard down (and he will), take heed. Red flag.   

Everyone’s entitled to a bad moment, but how bad that moment is, how the guy handles it afterward, and, most importantly, whether it happens again will give you all the information you need. Evaluate it; don’t ignore it.  

He displays kindness and empathy. 

In addition to how a guy treats you, how does he treat other people close to him, such as his parents, siblings, children, and friends? Is he empathetic to the situations they may find themselves in? Does he display interest or give his time and attention to them? Yes to all? You have some green flags in front of you. 

You should ask the same questions about the people the guy doesn’t know so well or at all. How does he talk about others in society? His colleagues? Again, is he empathetic or sympathetic to the plight of others? If he is, it’s a good sign. Green flag.   

He’s emotionally available.  

A significant part of dating is getting to know a person deeply. For that to happen, both people need to be emotionally available. That means being capable of opening up about feelings, being vulnerable, and working through challenging situations as a couple. Green flag.  

It’s pretty easy to tell if your partner isn’t emotionally available if you know what to look for. You’ll feel like you don’t really know them or what they’re thinking, mainly because they shut down whenever you want to discuss a topic or situation that could be uncomfortable for them.  

He shares your goals and values.  

Being with someone who shares your goals and values is necessary to have a successful relationship. That said, you don’t need to align on every goal or value. Only those that would otherwise be a deal breaker for you, such as wanting to have children or living in a particular location.  

If you are aligned on the goals and values that you place highest on your list of priorities, green flag. If you’re not, it’s time to reconsider whether the person you’re dating is indeed the right person for you.  

Final thoughts … 

When you’re aware of the green and red flags in your relationship, it usually means you’re doing a good job of checking in with yourself about how you feel with and about this person and whether you’re getting what you need from them. It’s important to note that red flags aren’t like green ones; red ones mean you should stop where you are. Green flags indicate you are safe to move forward now, with the understanding that there could still be a red flag somewhere down the road. 

Dismal? Depressing? Not really. That’s because the more realistic you are, the more you understand what you’re looking at, and the more likely you will see the person and relationship you’re in for what they are — the one you’ve been looking for or the one leading you there.     

When Old School Meets New: Merging Tradition With Modern Dating Norms

The secret’s out: Times have changed since your mother and father were single, and so have dating norms. Not always for the better, either. A lot more seems to fly, including bad behavior that some think is not so bad, making it confusing to know what to do in many dating scenarios and when. That includes anything from the time leading up to a first date to after. Long after, and long into a relationship. So, how do you navigate what may seem like the Wild West of dating? I have a few suggestions.   

Figure out what your comfort level is.  

Let’s start with the basics: You can’t control anyone’s behavior except your own. So, if you’re not comfortable with a situation, it’s your prerogative to leave. Simple, right? Well, not always.  

Where situations tend to get murky is when you haven’t been clear with yourself from the get-go about what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. The result is that when something feels not quite right, or you’re not entirely happy (or happy at all) with the behavior of the person you’re dating, you begin to second guess yourself and how you’re feeling. 

Are you justified? Are you being too sensitive? Or will things get better over time? However, when you’ve given thought to your tolerance level around dating, which stems from your value system, these questions become much easier to answer.  

Therefore, my advice before beginning to date is to set boundaries for yourself around dating. That way, if someone does something that would cause you to move them, you’ll be less quick to cave under pressure or feel unsure of your choices.  

Communicate your comfort level openly.  

When you’re clear on your values and what behaviors you expect from someone you’re dating, and you feel you are being reasonable in your decision-making, you will have little trouble communicating them to those you are considering dating and those who you are dating that do something which conflicts with the vision you have of your relationship. As you discuss issues that arise, you will very quickly be able to discern whether a relationship is worth pursuing or the time has come to cut your losses and move on.  

If someone doesn’t want to communicate with you and either shut the conversation down or gaslight you, again, this could be a signal that this relationship is not meant to be. On the other hand, if someone hears you out but isn’t cognizant of how their actions affected you but wants to make the situation right, you may have a good one on your hands. People make mistakes, and people are capable of learning and doing better.  

Recognize that times have changed.  

Not every change in dating norms is for the worse. Numerous changes function to make dating more comfortable for some. Again, this will depend on what people’s value systems are as well as the “rules of engagement’ they have established for themselves. This is particularly evident in deciding who pays for dates and when. 

There is much debate over who pays on a date and under what circumstances, and often, it creates not just conversation but confusion about what to do. Not every heterosexual couple, for example, will want or expect the man to pick up the check on a first date or however many dates, and not every same-sex couple on a date will expect to split the check; they may expect the person who asked for the check to pay. 

The solution to all this confusion? Open communication at the outset of interactions you just aren’t sure about. Though spontaneity is great, sometimes it’s OK to be spontaneous with an “I would like to … but just want to make sure you are comfortable with this.” That way, not only do you reduce the risk of offending someone you don’t know well, but you open up the potential to have a conversation that will enable you to get to know one another better.  

And that’s never a bad thing since it could bring you closer or allow you to move forward without wasting any more of your time. With healthy communication strategies in place, you can’t really go wrong. More than that, by talking it out, you can turn the mirror on yourself to gauge whether some of your previously held notions may have become somewhat outdated and consider amending some of your ideas around dating etiquette to suit the times.  

Final thoughts … 

Dating in an environment where rules around etiquette are less set in stone than they once were can be a positive inasmuch as it allows you and a new partner to shape a relationship that works for the two of you. The beauty of dating is getting to learn about someone else while also learning about yourself, especially how you’ve grown into a person who’s confident, has a lot to offer the right person, and, most of all, knows their value because they know their values.  

Understanding What You Want: Redefining Relationship Goals After 50

There are various ways to maximize your dating experience in midlife. Among those are writing a well-thought-out dating profile that describes you and who you’re looking for while telling a story, taking a recent and representative selection of photos for your dating profile, widening your search, and doing what you can to look and feel your best. Though these efforts are all worth your time and energy, there is one exercise you need to engage in above all else to achieve dating success after age 50. And that is to redefine your relationship goals now that you’re at this new and exciting chapter in your life.  

As humans, we are constantly evolving, and as we do, our needs and wants change. In midlife, we have many experiences behind us that have shaped who we are today. Those experiences, those accomplishments, whether with family, career, personal development, or all of the above, likely will mean that what you are looking for now in a partner is different from what you were looking for in our twenties, thirties, or forties — whenever you were last single. With this in mind, here are a few questions to ask yourself as you evaluate and potentially redefine your relationship goals according to who you are today.  

Do you want to get married? 

The life you’ve led up to now, changing norms, and the impact a new marriage could have on your life, including on your financial picture, are all factors that can play into whether you would consider marriage. Marriage during midlife could be as wonderful as it is complicated. Since not everyone’s tolerance level is the same, not everyone will be up for it.  

When considering the type of relationship you want now, examine the factors that would give a prospect a green light and which would give a prospect a red one. Also, consider whether you want to be tied to someone legally and potentially religiously. Just because you were at one time in your life doesn’t mean you will want to be today.   

What type of commitment are you looking for? 

If not marriage, what level of commitment would make you comfortable? For many people in midlife and beyond, a committed partnership is still the goal. That, too, can look like many things. You can be in a committed relationship while sharing a home or maintaining your own space. You can also enter a committed partnership in some states with certain legal protections. 

There are likewise different levels of commitment; you may choose no commitment or have an open relationship where you and your partner(s) devise your own rules. You may also decide to explore your sexuality with same-sex partners. Whatever you choose doesn’t matter as long as you’ve thought about what you find acceptable and what would be off the table.  

Would you consider someone whose beliefs, values, habits, and family life differ from yours? 

Politics, religion, and drinking habits are all worth considering when looking for a new partner. If you absolutely wouldn’t date someone with a differing political viewpoint or someone outside your religion, you need to be honest with yourself and others. No one wants to spend time with someone they know won’t like them or won’t take them seriously as a relationship prospect.  

If you appreciate wine, for example, it may become a sticking point if someone you meet doesn’t drink. Or, if you’ve raised your children and are ready to travel regularly, but someone you’re considering dating is still deep in the throes of dealing with their teens and cannot traverse the globe for months at a time, this person may not be compatible, even though they may have been a few years earlier when, you, too, were raising kids. Bottom line: You could be the same age as someone else, yet your lifestyles could differ immensely.  

What would you be willing to sacrifice for a partner? 

This last question might raise some eyebrows. But the question remains: Should we expect to sacrifice aspects of a life we’ve worked so hard to build for a new partner? The answer is maybe. 

The reality is that no potential partner you meet will check every box. It’s just not possible, and it’s not because you’re over 50. The same was true when you were dating when you were younger, and there appeared to be fewer entanglements.  

While that may have been true in certain respects, even young daters have their challenges: their childhood, quirks, and aspirations that could affect their timing for entering a relationship. But when someone, you or anyone else, takes a leap of faith to give a relationship a try, something usually has to give, even a little.  

Time is not unlimited, and there will always need to be sacrifices on both partners’ parts to make any relationship work. How many sacrifices and to what degree will be up to you to decide. And whether that person you’ve set your sights on is not just worth it but would do the same for you.   

Practical Tips to Make Traveling With a New Partner Fun and Not Weird

Planning your first getaway can be one of the most exciting times in a new relationship. It can also be one of the most unnerving since people’s travel habits can be quite specific. Though you want to be comfortable away from home and make the most of your trip, you also don’t want to come off as high maintenance or weird, making the entire experience feel even weirder.  

You also don’t want to appear judgy about your partner’s travel habits and preferences, even if you assess each other on the trip, which would be natural. After all, you can learn a lot about your partner by spending time with them away from their normal stomping ground.  

Yes, it’s a lot of pressure, but you can implement a few strategies to relieve it. They are as follows. 

Plan thoroughly. 

The less you leave to chance, the better off you both will be. That means making as many plans as possible to create stability on your trip. To that end, research destinations, accommodations, and transportation thoroughly. Even if you are surprising your partner with a trip, consider surprising them before booking it so they are comfortable with your suggestions.   

People have different comfort levels, from where they will rest their heads at night to the excursions they want to sign up for. With this in mind, you don’t want to take anything for granted with a partner you’ve never traveled with and don’t know well.  

Though it can cut into the element of surprise, it’s still better to check with your partner first. When you know someone better, it’s easier to surprise them. Or choose not to since you know they don’t like surprises.  

Discuss the sleeping arrangements in advance.  

Take nothing for granted, including the person you’re dating wanting to share a room with you on a trip. This holds even if you’ve been sleeping together or having sleepovers at each other’s homes. Instead, ask if they would be comfortable sharing a room on a trip, and don’t take offense if their answer differs from what you were expecting.  

Though you may have been intimate and woken up together in the morning, doing it for more than a day at a time may cause someone to consider whether they are ready for that level of togetherness.  

Even if your partner says that they aren’t ready yet, keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be a commentary on the status of your relationship or how they feel about you. Timelines can vary. 

Talk about expectations about who’s paying for what.  

Hard conversations are usually necessary, and that includes conversations about money. When planning a trip, it’s important to consider not just your partner’s budget if you are expecting them to contribute but also whether they are comfortable with someone else (you) paying their way on all or certain purchases.  

Again, everyone has values driving their behavior, and it’s best to get these out in the open since you may not have had the opportunity to learn what values they hold dear or see how they apply them in real-world scenarios.  

Your partner, despite how wealthy or not wealthy they are, may also differ on what they think is worth paying a premium for on a trip; some people will sink money into accommodations, for example, while others will prioritize where they eat. It’s not always about what someone can afford but what they consider luxuries.  

Keep your stuff separate when you pack.  

For many, packing space is high-end real estate, so don’t expect someone you don’t know all that well to part with it easily for you. Even if you have been married for decades, you may still find your personal effects receiving an icy welcome from your spouse’s luggage. 

Then, of course, there is the matter of how you pack. From sloppy packers to those who use packing cubes, there is typically a method to the madness, and you don’t want to interfere with what makes someone else comfortable traveling.  

Refrain from critiquing someone’s travel habits or tolerance level.  

You will undoubtedly form opinions based on your partner’s travel habits or tolerance level. That said, even if you have what you believe are some good ideas for them that could improve the way they pack or up their tolerance level for certain activities, keep your suggestions to yourself. No one wants to feel they are doing things “wrong” or pressured to do something they aren’t comfortable with. You are not their parent, and you could come off as controlling or as a know-it-all. Neither is appealing.  

Brace yourself for things to go wrong.  

No trip is without its hiccups; some are bigger than others, the worst of which is realizing that you and your partner aren’t compatible. If that’s the case, so be it.  

Make the most of your trip anyway, which shouldn’t be longer than a few days if it’s the first one. Enjoy the experience as much as possible, remaining respectful and kind, even if your partner is less than that.  

Then, when you are back home, reevaluate your relationship and proceed accordingly. Or, if you had a great time on your trip, begin planning the next one, recognizing that getting to know each other more fully and liking what you see is the best part of the journey.  

Body Positivity and Self-Love: How to Date With Confidence at Midlife

Dating at midlife can be eye-opening, especially if you haven’t been “out there” for years, maybe decades. Though it’s no secret that the dating landscape has changed due to technology and evolving dating norms, other transformations could impact how you approach — and fare  — in the modern dating landscape. One of those transformations is in how you look.  

You may be thinking how superficial it is to discuss one’s appearance. Sorry, not sorry. The hard truth is that none of us are immune from aging. No matter how much we exercise, how nutritional our diets are, and how many treatments we undergo, we will inevitably look different from years past.  

You may also think that if someone doesn’t like how you look, they can look elsewhere. While you’d be completely right to say this, and they can, your opinion of your body and overall appearance, i.e., how much you love and appreciate yourself, counts most. After all, if you aren’t able to go into dating feeling body-positive and loving yourself, you can’t expect someone else to, right?  

I know, easier said than done. Our eyes can play tricks on us. So can department store mirrors under glaring fluorescent lights and reflections in store windows we catch out of the corners of our eyes. Fair enough. Even so, there are ways to rewrite that self-deprecating narrative we may have about our bodies in midlife. Here’s what you can do.

Face reality.   

No, you are not 18 anymore. Or in your twenties, thirties, or however old you were when you believe you were at your prime lookswise. Fortunately, there are other ways to be in your prime: your familial relationships, your friendships, your career, and your understanding of the world around you, to name a few.  

Appearance is only one aspect of who you are and doesn't stay the same. It changes like everything else about you. That’s a reality. So, the sooner you stop fighting it, the less inadequate you will feel.  

Stop comparing yourself to others. 

When you aren’t happy with your body, comparing yourself to anyone you meet is easy. Even if you accept that you won’t look the same as you did when you were younger and accept that those you meet who are younger may have a more youthful body than yours, it’s still all too easy to compare yourself to your peers. “They’re thinner, they’re heavier, they have more wrinkles than I do, and they’re more/less toned than me” are all phrases that can run through your mind and become detrimental. 

Good news: You can train your brain not to go down this rabbit hole. And should, since no matter what you do, there will always be someone better looking, more intelligent, taller, and wealthier to make you feel less than if you let it. Bad habits are meant to be broken.  

Be your best self. 

Though comparing yourself to others isn’t opportune, comparing yourself to your vision of your best self can be beneficial. If done positively and not to extremes, it’s possible to create healthy internal competition.  

We generally have some idea if we are functioning optimally or know we can do better in certain areas of our lives. So, if you realize you could benefit from shedding weight, take steps to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise more. If you want to be more toned, do resistance training. If food is an emotional crutch, figure out the underlying reasons. If you’re sedentary, consider why. Are you depressed? Are you feeling defeated? The point is to get to the bottom of it. 

Don’t be afraid to enlist appropriate support to help change your mindset and habits. Becoming your best self doesn’t have to be a one-person job. 

Surround yourself with positive people.  

Words hurt. So does a sideways glance or silence when words of encouragement are called for. If the people around you are cutting you down or not providing the support you want or should expect from them, distance yourself and find different people to spend your time with. It is that simple.  

Negativity does not have to be a fact of life, and if you haven’t had this epiphany yet, let me inspire it in you: You don’t have to accept bad behavior from others. But do … 

Accept that self-love can take time to nurture.  

Love is not always “at first sight,” including our love for ourselves and our bodies. We all have a past that has contributed to who we are and how we see ourselves. Again, it may take breaking bad habits to leave the past behind. It may also take reacquainting yourself with who you are, what and whom you enjoy, and what you don’t.  

Sound like a huge undertaking? It is. But rest assured, this is a process, not an overnight fix. Therefore, you don’t have to drop everything you’re doing in your life, including dating. Dating can very much be part of learning how to love and appreciate all it is that you have to offer.  

For it to happen, though, it’s important to be cognizant that you are a work in progress, as we all are and always will be. And that you can’t expect to give your heart fully to someone else until you’ve given it to yourself first.  

How to Meet Singles in a New City After 50

It’s becoming increasingly common for singles 50 and over to make a fresh start by moving to a new city. Whether because of a divorce, finances, an empty nest, the pull to be somewhere new, or all of the above, they usually want to know the best ways to meet singles in a new city once they have their feet planted on the ground. Fortunately, there isn’t only one way, leaving singles who’ve moved to a new city with plenty of options. So, if you’re considering a move, here are a few suggestions.   

Ask people in your existing network for an introduction. 

When you move (or before that), let your existing network know where you’ve gone and that you're open to connecting with people they know in your new city. Mind you, they don’t have to know the people they’re introducing you to all that well. It could be their colleague, someone they knew from their college days, or the brother-in-law of their sister-in-law. Even if those people don’t become your besties or friends in any way, they could offer information to help you ease into your new surroundings, such as names of healthcare providers, restaurants, and, yes, more introductions. 

Call houses of worship in the area.  

Before you move, Google the denomination of your choice and houses of worship near your new city. Then, call the ones on your list. Ask for the membership office and tell the person there that you are relocating to the area and that you are also single. 

For starters, many houses of worship offer reduced membership rates for singles and events aimed directly at singles. Ask the membership director if they offer both. If they do, see if someone from the specific groups there, either a group leader or a member, can explain more about what they do. If you are visiting before you move and have the time, it can also be helpful in your research to attend a service or two or, if they allow it, an event.  

Tap local chapters of your favorite charitable organizations in your new city.  

Before you get there or once you are there, if you have a charitable organization you have been engaged with or want to get involved now, reach out and see when their next event is. Though these events won’t be specifically for singles, many single people are active in their communities in this way. Apart from meeting other singles, you can make new friends while helping others.   

Join activities and leagues.  

If you like playing tennis or pickleball, find a league you can join. Interested in photography, hiking, or art? There are meetup groups with single members waiting to meet you. Even if you’ve never done a particular activity before, sign up. Learning alongside others can be a wonderful way to bond.  

As you start making friends and acquaintances, don’t be shy about letting them know you are single and available to date. 

Want to know a secret? The best people to play matchmaker are people who are happily married or happy in their relationships. So, don’t limit your new network to only single people. Chat with those who are married or already in a relationship and let them know you’d be happy to be fixed up with someone they know and think would be a good match for you. You can also always go to a matchmaker with a vast network who can advise you on being a better dater. 

As you begin dating, ask people you date who don’t work out to fix you up with someone in their network.  

Picture this: You meet someone you like and go on a date but soon discover you’re not a match or the chemistry isn’t there. However, they were nice, and you like and respect them. They feel the same about you, which is why you part ways on good terms.  

In this scenario, consider asking them if they wouldn’t mind introducing you to someone they know and offer to do the same as you continue on your travels in your new community. Judge the situation to see if a friendship may be possible. The larger your network, the more chances you have to meet other singles.  

Try online dating in your new area.  

If you are familiar with online dating and have a favorite app, reactivate and update your dating profile to reflect your new city. Then buckle up!  

Even if you didn’t have luck with online dating in your old city, that doesn’t mean you won’t have luck now. Cities have different vibes. You probably do, too, given you are in a new town with a new outlook.  

Stay positive while being patient.   

Meeting people you like and feel comfortable with, including other singles, can take time. Though moving to a new city can be lonely, staying positive and giving it time is helpful. Likes attract likes, and if you want to meet someone positive, someone who’s happy with themselves and optimistic about the future, you have to radiate that, too. A blank slate in a new city is just the place to do it.   

Funny or Sarcastic? The Role of Humor in Building a Strong Relationship

When you are perusing online dating profiles, you probably come across those who boast that they are witty or sarcastic to describe their sense of humor. Without a doubt, a sense of humor is an asset, but being funny and being sarcastic are two distinct ways of joking around.  

The latter should give you pause because it could indicate other issues lurking below the surface and not too far below either. So, if someone is communicating that sarcasm is how they prefer to communicate when trying to be funny, take heed. Here’s why.  

Sarcasm can be hurtful.  

In a very basic sense, sarcasm masked as humor can sting. We have all been with someone who insulted us, only to quickly follow it up by saying, “Just kidding.” Or, “That was a joke.”  

However, you will soon realize who you're dealing with when you challenge that person about what they said. A person who truly didn’t mean any harm will acknowledge quickly that they misspoke and be apologetic. You can take them at their word if it’s the first time, but if it continues to happen, then you should be wary.  

A person who meant to insult you under the guise of making a joke will respond, saying something like, “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You’re too sensitive.” This is gaslighting, the other person making it seem like you are the problem, not them. It is then that you will know you have an issue on your hands. Emotional abuse is subtle. It can come in the form of humor, except it’s no laughing matter.  

If someone you’re dating is making “jokes” at your expense, let them know right after it happens that what they have said is offensive. If they don’t stop, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and consider your options, which is to seek couples and individual counseling or break up.  

Humor can be attractive.  

For many people, a sense of humor is attractive. Whether you’re the funny one, the person you’re dating is, or you are both on the same wavelength about what you consider funny, humor can bring you and a partner closer.  

There’s nothing like exchanging a glance with someone you care about and knowing you know what each other are thinking and that giving the look only the two of you understand means you are both cracking up inside. It really doesn’t get much better than that, so if you are finding it with someone new or enjoying it with your current partner, consider it a plus.  

Spending time enjoying other people’s humor.  

You’ve probably heard the expression “Laughter is the best medicine.” It’s true; if you’re feeling down, a funny comment, joke, anecdote, or story, when appropriately placed, can be uplifting. Often, the more, the merrier.   

If you and/or your partner are funny people, you probably know or are friends with some people who are the same way. Spend time with them, too. Going out as couples or in groups can be quite enjoyable and another way for you and your partner to bond over some laughs. 

Still another place to find laughter: professional (or even not so professional) comedians. If you enjoy comedy, go see a comic perform live. Whether you are seeing a comedian in an arena or in a smoky comedy club, or even at an open mic night, it can make for a fun date night. So, too, can booting up Netflix for an evening at home with the streaming service’s lineup, which changes regularly.  

One partner can be funny and the other partner not so funny.  

Not everyone has the same sense of humor, and that’s OK, too. If you’re dating someone and you don’t find them funny when they’re trying to be funny, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are being unkind. But it may mean your style of humor doesn’t match.  

If your humor styles don’t match, don’t worry just yet; it doesn’t signal that your relationship is doomed. There are plenty of couples where one person is the funny one, while the other is more serious. That could very well be the dynamic that works for you and your partner, and it could be this exact dynamic that you both find attractive. It can all work, as long as the person cracking the jokes isn’t doing it at the expense of their partner.  

Final thoughts … 

Humor, like finding a healthy relationship, is personal. What one person finds amusing will not be the same for another. But that’s the magic of dating — discovering what makes someone tick. Revealing those quirks that one person may have found irritating and you find adorable, cute, and, yes, funny.  

Until the day finally comes that you realize you’ve found your person, your soulmate, your best friend. The day you both find yourself laughing without having an inkling what you’re laughing about because you’re just so happy and in love. 

When and How Do You Say Thank You After a Date?

As someone single and dating, you’ve probably wondered at least a few times when the best time is to say thank you for a date. Before you part ways? A few hours later? The next day? After the other person says it? Even more confusing is when you ask around and hear conflicting advice.  

Having been a matchmaker for more than three decades, I am here to put an end to that confusion and provide a few easy rules to make dating less confusing than it already is. The short answer to the question of when and how to say thank you after a date is it depends. It depends on whether you are the man or the woman or dating someone of the same sex. For the long answer, read on.  

If You Are a Woman Dating a Man 

At the beginning of any relationship, it is the man’s job to pursue and the woman’s job to be pursued. He is the giver; she is the receiver. This goes on until he chooses her to be his girlfriend in an exclusive relationship.  

So, if he invites you on a date, he pays. After a few dates, you can pick up something small, like ice cream, after he takes you to dinner or plans and pays for an activity. He gives, you receive. As the receiver, however, you need to be gracious, and the best way to do this is to say thank you. Beyond that, you owe nothing else. You are not in a relationship. Yet. 

If you want to be in one, and even if you don’t, express your thanks at the end of the date and before parting ways: “Thank you for a wonderful time.” That’s it. If you’d like to see him again, you can add that you had fun. 

Once you part ways, do not text him. Do not call him. And, by all means, do not ask him when you will see each other again. That’s his responsibility, not yours. The only exception to texting him after the date is if he specifically asks you to text him when you get home so he knows you arrived safely. Do so, but do not thank him again. Once was perfect. More than that makes you appear a little too grateful for whatever he has done for you, however nice. Whatever it was, remember that you are worth it. 

If you do not hear from him after your date, regardless of how well you think it went, do not “remind” him you are available by reaching out to thank him again. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. You are worth being courted. 

If You Are a Man Dating a Woman   

If you are a man, study the above to understand your role as the pursuer of a woman you like. If you enjoyed the woman’s company, tell her so at the end of the date: “Thank you for coming to meet me. I had a great time.” 

See to it that she gets home safely by requesting that she text you when she arrives. While she’s on her way home, if you’re interested in her, feel free to send a second text thanking her for a lovely evening. If you want to wait until she texts you when she gets home, thank her for letting you know and again for the nice evening. 

You may be wondering why she only has to text thank you once when you’re still together, but you can text thank you more than once, and that’s because, despite you asking for the date and paying, she gave you something even more valuable: her time and company. If you acknowledge that, you will be setting yourself up for success in securing a second date with her, though there’s no guarantee she will accept. Even so, she will appreciate you taking these actions.  

If it turns out you’re not a match, she could know someone who is or just be inclined to speak favorably about you afterward, so your kindness may go further than you thought.  

If You Are a Same-Sex Couple 

For same-sex dates, the person who asks for the date could be the one who picks up the tab, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be so; both people may choose to split the bill.  

Regardless of who paid, you and the other person gave your time and energy to the date and should thank one another before parting ways. Whoever’s interested in pursuing the relationship should also feel free to reach out by text and send a second thank you if it feels right to do that. The same manners apply here but with less formality around gender.  

Final thoughts … 

There are seldom situations when saying thank you after someone gives or does something for you would be wrong. Saying thank you only becomes complicated when there’s too much of a good thing. 

It’s irrelevant if the relationship is not destined to move forward; say thank you anyway because that’s what people with manners do, and finding someone with manners is a green flag that may indicate there are more green flags to discover. Not only do you want to receive that signal from someone else, but you want to make sure you send it, too. The right person will notice.  

Thinking About Dating With a Busy Schedule? What You Should Consider

It’s no secret that dating takes effort, a positive attitude, and money. But what it also takes is time — a good amount of it if you want to be successful, i.e., meeting not just matches but viable matches. Most people are busy with family, work commitments, friends, and supporting causes they believe in, so the effort you put into dating must be deliberate. It means you may have to find time where you didn’t think it existed before. Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you go about doing so. 

Are you ready to date and willing to commit time to looking for matches? 

People tend to do what they want when they want, so you need to get real with yourself about whether you’re ready to date and, if you are, whether you’re willing to commit time (and how much of it) to dating. That means also committing time to finding someone to date first.  

Yes, scrolling through profiles takes time. So does interacting with matches, whether you are doing so through the dating app, text, video, or the phone.  

Remember, you can hire a professional to take scrolling and early communication off your plate. Even so, you will still have to allocate time to go through the matches collected for you and act on them. In other words, there’s no getting around how long meeting someone can take, which is why you should clarify whether this is the right point in your life for you to try. If it is …  

Are you willing to commit time to going out on dates? 

Suppose you’ve managed to carve out time to find matches and have reached the point where you’re ready to schedule dates with a few different people. Are you now willing to commit time to going out on the dates you set up?  

Even short dates, like coffee dates, take time. There is the time to get there, the time you spend talking, and the time you will need to get back home or to the office. Meals and activities, of course, will take longer.  

If you’re planning on dating a few people, which you should when you’re newly single since smart dating is about meeting as many people as possible until you find one person you want to date more regularly, that will require even more time. Do you have it, and if you find it in your busy schedule, are you willing to devote it to this endeavor? Again, it’s important to understand this.  

Are you clear on your dating goals? 

How much time you’re willing to devote to dating will depend on the kind of relationship you want. Presumably, if you’re searching for a life partner or spouse, you will be more discerning in your choices than if you want to stay strictly casual and can move from person to person freely. The latter relationship partner, who you should apprise of your relationship goals with full transparency, will also likely not demand as much of your time and be more understanding if you’re unavailable to see them.  

If all your busy schedule can accommodate is a casual relationship, there’s nothing wrong with looking for one. However, it helps to be clear with yourself as much as it does dating prospects about your intentions from the beginning to avoid confusion and not waste anyone’s time, including your own, especially since you are already in short supply of it.  

Are you prepared for what will happen if you meet someone you like? 

Now suppose, after all this, you find someone you want to date more seriously and, as a result, more often. Will you have time for that? This question, too, is important to consider because you don’t want to find yourself having to throw back a great catch only for someone else to scoop that person up.  

If someone is as amazing as you think they are, another person will probably think the same. So, you want to be prepared if your dating goals, especially if yours is to find a partner, come to fruition. The best way to do this is to look at your calendar to see where you can find time and whether you would be willing to make certain concessions if you had to in the name of a relationship.   

How to Find Time in a Busy Schedule to Date and Have a Relationship 

As mentioned earlier, people generally do what they want and find ways to do it when push comes to shove. If you’re considering dating and what would happen if you met the person of your dreams, pretend you are already in that situation and ask what you would do. 

If you’re not an organized person or, on the other hand, are extremely regimented, you may want to think about mending your ways and consider the commitments you could or would be willing to move around. The first that comes to mind is when you exercise. With so many gyms, classes, and home workouts available, many scheduling options exist. If you’re working out during prime dating hours and anticipate a conflict, see if you can do your workouts in the morning or at lunchtime instead. 

Speaking of lunchtime or even breakfast, both times, despite being during the workday, can do double duty as a date. So can grabbing a coffee mid-afternoon if you are able to sneak away for a break.  

Do you love to walk early in the morning? See if your date would like to join you and top it off with a fruit smoothie afterward. Do you like to walk home from work or right after work? Make it a date. The key is to get creative and maximize your time.  

Do you not like talking on the phone with people you’re considering dating or people you are? Walk and talk at the same time. Fold your laundry. Tidy up. Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you can’t be on the move. Drives are also good times to connect. That’s what Bluetooth is for.  

Finally, consider how much time you’re wasting during the day or how much time you spend doing something unproductive that you could reduce or let go of in favor of spending time with a person whose company you enjoy. Someone who could make you stop looking at the clock. Someone you could consider spending a lifetime with. Would you find time then? 

The Legal Dangers for Women Posting in ‘Are We Dating the Same Guy?’ Facebook Groups

If you’re single, you may have heard about one of the many “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups. If you haven’t, these ubiquitous groups, whose stated mission is to offer community and support to their female members, effectively provide a closed platform for women to share their dating experiences and warn one another about potential red flags.   

Women generally join these groups to discuss their experiences with a specific individual they’ve dated or are currently dating because, for whatever reason, something that person has said or done doesn’t feel quite right. Because of the free flow of information, the groups have also become popular spots for those looking to exchange details about someone they recently connected with online, especially when concerns about anything from their pre-date behavior to marital status arise. Discussions tend to include personal anecdotes, warnings, revelations of men’s past criminal history, and stories of unpleasant encounters. 

Of course, you know the old expression about doing good deeds. While women may initially turn to these groups for validation or support, especially if they feel that the person they’re dating has dismissed their concerns or they feel unsure about their partner’s intentions, the public nature of such discussions can pose legal risks. Therefore, if you are a woman considering joining one or more of the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups (joining multiple groups can offer added coverage), or if you are currently a member, you may want to consider the following.  

Privacy 

One of the most obvious risks of posting in an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group is the potential for exposing personal information. While group members might intend to merely share their experiences for the protection of others, doing so can inadvertently lead to disclosing sensitive details that violate the privacy belonging to the person they’re speaking about.  

That, in turn, can lead to data misuse or abuse. Misuse or abuse you likely would never have anticipated. Criminals, for example, can be pretty crafty when looking for ways to leverage even the most seemingly minute details. So can a disgruntled ex looking to cause trouble.   

Defamation  

You can defame someone by making false statements, including online, that harm a person’s reputation. If you share untrue or misleading information, such as posting accusations or negative comments that are not substantiated by evidence, you could be found guilty of defamation should that person decide to pursue legal action against you. It won’t matter what your intention was.  

In addition to the stress of having to defend yourself in a lawsuit, you may end up having to pay damages and, with that, high legal bills. All for having an online conversation in a group that’s supposedly private. For the record, nothing online is private, despite the measures and lengths those who run these groups take to ensure privacy.  

Emotional and Psychological Impact 

It’s no secret that lawsuits are stressful. Stress, as has been well documented, can negatively impact your physical, mental, and emotional health. 

And not just yours; negative comments or accusations posted in “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups can cause serious psychological harm to the person who’s the subject of your discussions. They can be embarrassed, become anxious or depressed, and isolated as a result of a single post that garners a lot of attention. Word spreads fast, and people won’t generally look to see if what they’re reading or hearing has been verified as truthful first.  

The result can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including their work, interpersonal relationships, and self-worth. Moreover. the subject of your post might also face harassment or bullying, further piling on the damage. 

The emotional effect can be long-lasting, too; it can lead to paranoia, distrust, and withdrawal from society. In extreme situations, the stress from public shaming can cause severe anxiety and depression, maybe even lead to suicide. 

Beyond the risks to the other person, your participation in “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups can affect your life in similar ways. Friends, family, and colleagues may frown upon your online behavior, taking it out on you by ending friendships, talking about you behind your back, and alienating you from the people who were once your supporters.  

Repairing reputational damage isn’t something you can accomplish overnight or even at all. This reality is especially true in an age where online posts can live forever despite being removed. Such a lasting effect can make it problematic to move forward. 

Understanding Your Legal Rights 

Given the risks posed by posting online in a “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group, it’s helpful to be aware of your legal rights. Although U.S. law protects free speech, there are nuances to such protections you may not be aware of. 

Should you face legal issues as a result of posting online about someone you dated, speak with an attorney as soon as you can. An attorney skilled in defending defamation claims or handling issues involving privacy can offer you guidance on how to handle the specifics of your situation.  

Final thoughts … 

Participating in online groups like “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” can be tempting. However, it’s necessary to recognize that while such discussions can lend comfort in the short term, that comfort can result in a lot of discomfort later.  

A less risky and more constructive dating strategy is to focus on searching for relationships and connections that will bring positivity into your life and letting go of those that don’t. Shifting attention away from negative experiences and toward uplifting ones can be much more rewarding. And come at far less of a price.  

Not legal advice. Consult a lawyer for professional guidance.