Dating, and by that, exposing yourself to the scrutiny of others, including the rejection that inevitably comes with it, can damage the ego. Even if someone doesn’t explain why they’ve rejected you (probably a blessing in disguise), you may begin questioning yourself anyway: Is it because of my looks, my weight, my career choice, my net worth, my family obligations, or whatever else it is that you’re insecure about? On a more broad level, you may go so far as to ponder what it means to “date up” and whether you should even bother.
The short answer: Yes. And no.
Yes, date whomever you want. But no, don’t date up because you shouldn’t be calling it that. Period.
By giving power to these paired words, you take away your own. Here’s why.
Dating up is a subjective term.
Who’s to say that what you’re offering is, in fact, substandard? Well, someone, for sure. But that person is not the arbiter of what is desirable in a partner for anyone besides themselves, including, ironically, someone else possessing a similar lifestyle, bank account, looks, etc., to them. If one person doesn’t think you’re up to their standards, that’s their decision and theirs alone.
It is much better to know early on if someone is looking down on you so you can invest your time in someone open to a relationship with you based on who you are as you are right now. Rejection is part of dating, especially online dating, but rejecting yourself first will limit your opportunities right out of the gate.
Also, one person’s dating up may be another person’s dating down. Not every characteristic of dating up will be desirable. Someone may want to look for someone who’s not from generational wealth and, instead, self-made. Someone may value the earning potential of a person educated in a trade. Someone may be looking for the grit that comes from overcoming challenges from a young age. The point is that dating up doesn’t have one definition. Or any definition at all.
Dating requires casting a wide net.
The best way to increase your chances of finding your match is to cast a wide net. That doesn’t mean dating anyone and everyone who asks you out. It’s still up to you to be discerning, choosing dates based on how a person talks to and treats you, beginning with your first interactions. So open your search to those who may not have the color eyes you want them to, be the height you expected, or work in the profession you had in mind.
Dating requires confidence.
Dating success is also deeply rooted in how confident you are in yourself. When you are confident in yourself, negative words and rejection from others will sting, but they should sting slightly less because you understand who you are and where the words and rejection are coming from.
When you are confident, you will likewise be better able to discern good matches from ones you should either not engage with or move on quickly after engaging. As someone with confidence, you will know what you want and don’t, and most importantly, what you will not stand for. That begins with not wanting anyone to waste your valuable time or you being content with wasting anyone else’s.
A Caveat to Dating Up
When you put someone on a pedestal, the only place they can look is down, immediately causing you to lose power. So common a behavior, there’s apparently a new name for elevating someone you’re dating or trying to date: throning. According to an article in the New York Post, throning is when you date for the perks associating with a particular person can offer, such as the boost it gives you to your reputation or social status.
People who are throning while dating don’t shy away from dating up; they strive to. The article cites a study that found its participants look for matches that are 25% more desirable than they are.
Problem? Yes. People don’t generally respect those who position themselves as inferior. That’s just human nature. Why, then, set yourself up for this dynamic? Just as important, if you date solely to break into a new social circle or gain social status while ignoring the qualities that could make someone a good match for you, you may miss out on meeting your person.
Final thoughts …
No one ever said dating was easy or always fun. It isn’t, and it won’t be. However, you don’t need to make matters worse for yourself by creating or engaging in counterproductive fictions such as dating up.
It’s one thing to believe in fairy tales and that you will meet your prince charming one day. But to relegate yourself to thinking you should be sweeping the fireplace like Cinderella in perpetuity does nothing but keep you from the ball where there’s at least a chance at finding a happily ever after.