Though not everyone is quick to admit it, many people have investigated their partner’s ex, usually at the start of a relationship or when it appears to have some legs. Understandable. Curiosity is natural if your current partner devoted a significant amount of time and energy to this person before you came into their life. No one would fault you for a few searches on social media.
Where your curiosity may turn problematic is how consumed you become with your partner’s ex and how their ex causes you to feel whenever you search for them or think about them. If either becomes often, and you’re no longer learning about them but keeping tabs on them or letting them live rent-free in your head, it’s a sign that it’s time to do a bit of introspection to determine why you’re behaving and thinking as you are and what you may need to do to change your brain. Here are some suggestions.
Understand the root cause of your jealousy.
Your fixation on and jealousy of your partner’s ex may have less to do with them and more with you once you scratch the surface. If you’re feeling insecure about your appearance or weight, for example, or not feeling content in your career, it may lead you to turn the focus from yourself onto someone else, in this case, your partner’s ex.
It could also be that you’re not feeling safe in your relationship. Maybe you’re not getting what you need from your partner, or you don’t feel your partner is attracted to you in the way you would want, and now, you’re wondering what it is about your partner’s ex that caused your partner to feel a spark when they were together. Whatever the reason driving you to tune into your partner’s ex’s life regularly, it’s critical for your healing that you identify and understand it.
Focus on your current relationship.
Sometimes, a little willpower is all you need to redirect your focus from your partner’s old relationship with their ex to your relationship with your partner. When you see your relationship for all the positives it brings to your life and recognize all of the beautiful gestures your partner makes to show their love, it should be easier to see how the past is where it should be — in the rearview mirror. With this in mind …
Stop comparing yourself to your partner’s ex or comparing your relationship to theirs.
Every relationship is different due to the unique dynamic two people have with each other. That dynamic can bring out either the best or worst qualities in people. Your partner's relationship with their ex was not the same as yours because of these qualities and the time in their lives when they were together.
People change. People learn. People grow. Your partner, your partner’s ex, and you, for that matter, aren’t the same as you were years ago or even yesterday.
Talk to your partner about how you’re feeling.
When you’re in a solid and healthy relationship, you should be able to go to your partner and discuss your feelings. That includes your consumption with their ex. If, after introspecting, you conclude that your partner’s behavior is causing your jealousy, raise that issue with your partner, too.
But do so without being accusatory, using I statements rather than you statements. “I feel insecure when I think about you having occasional contact with your ex,” or “I feel bad when you discuss how much you enjoyed that trip to Australia you took with your ex” are both examples of how not to place blame.
Unless your ex has deliberately tried to manipulate you, they may not know what they’re doing or saying is bothering you. Start the conversation by giving them the benefit of the doubt.
Reframe jealous thoughts into positive thoughts.
Do your best not to think of your partner’s ex as a threat to your current relationship (unless you know they are) and, instead, part of your partner’s history that has helped shape them to be the partner you have come to know and love. By doing so, you effectively take those negative thoughts running through your head and reframe them into a more positive narrative. It might not be easy at first, but practice makes perfect, and eventually, you will find this exercise frees you.
Seek professional help if needed.
If your feelings of jealousy become so consuming that they’re interfering with your daily life, including your relationship with your partner, it may be time to seek professional support. Many mental health professionals focus on relationships and the effect they can have and can help you with yours.
Have compassion for yourself and focus on self-growth.
Humans are imperfect creatures. We are also constantly evolving and growing. So cut yourself some slack. You may not be proud of your behavior, but don’t beat yourself up over it.
Instead, make positive changes, such as taking the steps outlined in this article. Likewise, focus on your self-growth. You can do this by spending your time on constructive pursuits like work, hobbies, travel, and, yes, your partner, not your partner’s ex. The result should be turning yourself back into a partner you would want to date.