Do you ever find your head turning instinctively when you hear your partner’s phone vibrate with an incoming text? Look over your partner’s shoulder to see what they’re looking at so intently on Instagram? Watch who they’ve added on social media or whether they’ve been commenting on or liking posts from those who are obviously single and posting seductive content? And, in extreme cases, posting on an “Are We Seeing the Same Guy?” Facebook group, “Does anyone recognize my partner from the dating apps?”
If you have or are doing any of these things, then this blog post is for you because there’s long been a debate about whether such behavior is “normal” in a relationship and whether you should or shouldn’t be doing it. As with anything about modern dating, the answer isn’t so clear-cut and is not only rooted in what you’re doing but also why. Here’s what you need to consider.
Has your partner given you reason to doubt them?
If you’re noticing behavior from your partner that’s not consistent with someone who’s prioritizing you and your relationship, it’s important first to be honest with yourself. Is what you’re seeing accurate? Or is the lens you’re looking through being clouded by past relationships or past trauma in your life?
Though it can hurt to come to certain realizations, facing them head-on is a must. The reason is that you have to be in a position to gauge whether you are where you’re supposed to be, meaning in the relationship as it exists right now, with this partner at all, or in need of finding outside support to help you address your personal issues.
Have you communicated to your partner that certain behaviors of theirs are bothersome to you?
If you’re confident that what you’re seeing from your partner is not the behavior of a devoted partner, whether it’s micro-cheating or full-on straying, you should confront your partner. How they respond should tell you all you need to know.
If your partner appears genuinely remorseful and wants to curtail their behavior and focus their attention on you, ask yourself whether you’d be willing to work on your relationship with them. If yes, keep an open mind. That said, continue to be aware of what’s going on around you.
This is where it can get tricky. While you want to keep your eyes open for indiscretions on their part, you don’t want it to become a full-time job for you. If it does, if your partner signals that you cannot trust them, then it’s time to reevaluate your future as a couple.
Has your checking up on them become obsessive?
Are you checking your partner’s social media accounts every day? Going through their phone? The pockets of their pants? Or doing whatever it is that you’ve been doing to sate your suspicions for the moment? Check yourself that you’re not feeling compelled to do so for fear you will miss something.
Obsessively checking up on a partner because you feel like you have to is no way to live. You deserve to be with a partner you trust because they’ve given you all the reason in the world to trust them. What you don’t deserve is a life of waiting for the other shoe to drop because you have this feeling in your gut that it will. Pro tip: Your gut is rarely wrong.
Why are you staying in a relationship that doesn’t make you feel good?
Too often, people stay in relationships they don’t feel good about because of the time they’ve already put into it. Though it’s OK to work on your marriage or relationship by seeking counseling alongside an equally willing partner, it’s also perfectly acceptable to move on.
You don’t owe someone your life. Conversely, a partner who’s acting out because they’re unhappy doesn’t owe you anything, which is why you should let them go.
Final thoughts …
No relationship is a waste of time, even the “bad” ones or the ones that fizzle out. Every relationship is about learning — learning about your partner but, more importantly, learning about yourself.
You will not be the same person as you were when you entered a relationship when you leave it. You will be stronger, wiser, and one step closer to finding the person you’re meant to be with.
The only question that remains is where you are on your path toward finding them. If you consider the foregoing, it’s a question you will hopefully now have the answer to.