Communication is essential in any relationship, especially when it comes to sex. In addition to discussing whether you both feel ready to have sex and what sex will mean for exclusivity and the progression of your relationship, there should be a conversation about STI testing.
STIs are the gift that keeps giving; some can even cost you your life. So, if you’re uncomfortable raising the topic, take a deep breath and consider the following tips for having a meaningful conversation with a new partner.
Raise the topic before you engage in sexual activity.
There are “no backsies” with STIs. If you expose yourself, you’re at risk. So, have a conversation before engaging in sexual activity. Any sexual activity.
Intercourse is not the only way to give or receive an STI. For example, STIs can be transmitted through oral sex. According to medical experts, throat cancer due to HPV infections has become more common than cervical cancer.
Unfortunately, at this time, there is no clinically approved way to screen men for HPV; inspections are usually done visually after the appearance of genital warts. That being said, not all strains of HPV produce genital warts, and as many as 80% of sexually active American adults will be exposed to HPV in their lifetimes.
For women, this makes routine screening for cervical cancer more critical than ever. Given the number of STIs that exist in addition to HPV and the effects on your health they can have, it’s a good rule of thumb to go for regular checkups as well as see a doctor if you notice anything unusual.
Define the relationship.
So, you and your partner agree to go for STI testing before you have sex. That’s great! But it won’t do you much good if, the next day, you and/or your partner are engaging in sexual activity with other partners.
If you agree that you are not sexually exclusive, be sure to use protection. Moreover, if you do decide to be exclusive, …
Continue using protection, even after testing.
This is because it could take a while for you or your partner to develop symptoms of an STI despite you both coming up clean. If you or your partner were recently sexually active with others, your tests can only reveal so much. Therefore, you should consider getting retested after another six months if you are still together and considering not using protection.
If you suspect your partner isn’t being faithful, or you haven’t been, err on the side of caution and use protection or abstain altogether. No form of protection is 100% effective.
Get verifiable proof of testing.
As much as you may not want to think about it, not everyone is honest, and it is possible for someone to falsify their results. For this reason, you will want to either receive the results directly from your partner's doctor alongside them or sit with your partner as they log into an online system such as MyChart and review the report together.
You should extend the same courtesy to your partner. Trust is built over time, and you are not obligated to trust someone you don’t know. Nor is your partner.
Consider your partner’s response to a request for testing.
If your partner is resistant to STI testing, there’s usually a reason: either they have something to hide or don’t care enough about you to get you the information you’re requesting to be safe. Regardless of the reason, this reaction is a red flag, and you should react accordingly by reevaluating if this is the right relationship for you.
Final thoughts …
You are the master of your domain, beginning with your body. As the master, you are charged with protecting your health and well-being. To do so, you must consistently advocate for yourself — by asking for what you want or saying no when you don’t get what you want.
Inevitably, you will learn some hard truths about the people in your life who will think nothing of interfering with your ability to exercise self-care or challenging your autonomy. Though these lessons can hurt, they are valuable to learn because whether they urge you to stay or go, they will lead you closer to the relationship you aspire to have.