There are many dating terms, such as ghosting, winter coating, and hoovering, that, while irritating and potentially emotionally damaging, won’t compromise your physical health by giving you an STI or causing you to become a mom before you want to. The practice that could is known as stealthing. If you are a single woman of any age dating men, here’s what you need to know about this dangerous and deceptive act.
What is stealthing?
Stealthing occurs when a man engaging in consensual sex with a woman removes his condom without the woman’s consent. It is a serious violation that can result in emotional and physical effects, including transmission of an STI and pregnancy.
Depending on the jurisdiction, it may also be considered a sexual assault or rape under law. Some jurisdictions may treat it as a civil offense. Regardless, stealthing is a dating trend on the rise; research indicates that 19-32% of women have reported it.
What can you do to avoid stealthing?
A man who engages in stealthing does not respect you. He does not care about your feelings, and he does not care about your health and well-being. Though you likely won’t know someone’s capable of this behavior until they do it (unless they tell you they have, in which case you should run from them), there are precautions you can take so you don’t end up a victim. Those precautions are to:
Vet your partners before engaging in sexual intercourse with them.
While this strategy isn’t foolproof, it is a good practice to vet your partners before having sex with them. You would (or should if you’re not) vet the people you allow into your life. The same should apply to who you allow into your body. It makes sense, right?
Communicate clearly with your partner before engaging in sexual activity.
If you are planning to have sex with someone, even if you don’t know them well, have a conversation beforehand. During this conversation, discuss your expectations, boundaries, and what you consent to and don’t.
Don’t just talk, either. Listen. If this individual appears irritated by this discussion or indicates they are not keen on complying with what you want, you should reconsider them as a sexual partner. You always have the option to walk away.
Bring your own condoms.
If, based on your conversation, you decide to move forward, consider bringing condoms with you. Ladies, carrying condoms is a wise practice, even if you aren’t expecting to have sex that day. Though men often have their preferences for condoms, unless they have an allergy, chances are they’d prefer to use yours rather than not have sex at all.
As for you, having condoms on you means you can protect yourself at all times, even if you get carried away in the moment. If you have a latex allergy, carrying your own is another way to protect your health.
Spot-check that the condom is in place during intercourse.
Your condom, their condom, it doesn’t matter. Spot-check that it’s in place and stays in place while you’re having sex. This also can prevent the condom from coming off during sex or letting you know sooner rather than later that the condom broke, both of which can happen. Remember, abstinence is the only form of protection that’s 100% effective.
Consider additional protection above and beyond condoms.
Additional birth control methods, such as an oral contraceptive or IUD, can offer some peace of mind if you’re still in your child-bearing years. However, these added protections will only ward against pregnancy, not STIs. If someone stealths you, you are at risk.
Be prepared to stop if you notice the condom is missing.
Even if you do everything above to prevent stealthing during sexual intercourse, if you notice the condom is missing, either because the other person removed it without your consent or it was otherwise compromised, stop having sex immediately.
You are and must remain your top priority. You don’t owe anyone anything, including finishing, simply because you’ve started. How much time you spend exposed can matter for your body and mind.
What should you do if you become a victim of stealthing?
If you become the victim of stealthing, you have options in the aftermath to help yourself, beginning immediately.
Seek medical attention.
Seek immediate medical care to receive STI testing and emergency contraception if you are concerned about pregnancy. If you are worried about exposure to HIV, consider receiving PEP, which stands for post-exposure prophylaxis. It is most effective within 72 hours of exposure, so time is a factor.
Document the incident.
Write down details about what occurred while they’re fresh in your mind. Details should include dates, times, and anything the person said or did. Save any written correspondence relevant to the incident, such as text messages or messages over dating apps.
Find emotional support and take care of your mental well-being.
Being a victim of stealthing can be traumatic. With this in mind, talk to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group about what you experienced. Consider also reaching out to an organization whose goal is to support victims of sexual violence; they can provide further guidance. You should also think about talking one-on-one to a therapist. Finally, begin healing yourself by engaging in self-care.
Consider taking legal action.
As mentioned earlier, depending on the state you live in, stealthing may be recognized as a criminal or civil offense. You can consult a lawyer or local advocacy group to explore your legal options, which may require reporting the incident to the police. Whether you do so will be a personal choice; only you will know what’s right for you. But one thing you must know: This is not your fault.