You know when a first date is going well. You also know when it isn’t. But what if you’re not quite sure because the “good” date you’re on suddenly takes an awkward turn?
This can happen for several reasons: an embarrassing joke, an offensive comment, or an unexpected (read: weird) reaction to something you said or did. Do you forgive them? Or do you forget them and everything else they did before and perhaps after that was right? That depends on how you factor the following considerations into your decision-making.
Was it a one-time slip or an indication of a red flag?
Though you won’t be able to know the answer to this question definitively since you’ve never met this person before, you can still formulate an educated answer based on the information you have. Meaning the information you’ve already collected about yourself.
If you’ve done the work to recognize what constitutes a red flag and committed to your dealbreakers, you should feel comfortable making a best guess about what a future (including a second date) with this person might look like. If you’re already making excuses for them or betting on their potential, i.e., telling yourself, “I can change them,” you're better off cutting your losses.
Context Matters: Understanding the Intent Behind the Misstep
Context makes a difference, so if, for example, your date made a comment with a sexual connotation, and you both were just talking about something sexual, they may have felt comfortable “going there” when ordinarily they wouldn’t have.
This is not to victim blame or excuse rude behavior or behavior that makes you uncomfortable. You should always go with your gut about how someone or something makes you feel.
However, in the future, you may want to use an awkward experience to learn from, which, in this scenario, would be to not engage in conversations that could lead somewhere you wouldn’t want it to. Just as you don’t know your date, they don’t know you and what a turn-on or a turn-off might be for you.
Your Comfort Level: Can You Move Past the Awkwardness?
In keeping with the example above and considering whether context was a factor, you must decide whether you can move past the awkwardness. It is generally hard to move forward if the comment or act has offended your values. If it hasn’t, you next need to decide if what you’re dealing with is the “ick.”
Not all icks are grounds for dismissal; some you can move past if the other positive factors outweigh them. The key is recognizing what’s morally offensive versus off-putting to you.
It’s important to note that your analysis doesn’t only have to be self-facing. Part of it can be tied to the other person’s response if you’re inclined to call them out.
Addressing the Issue: Should You Call It Out or Let It Slide
If you are inclined to address the incident, ask the other person about it — what they meant and why they said or did it. Then, explain why the incident upset you, set a boundary, and sit back to evaluate your date’s response.
If they are genuinely apologetic (as far as you can tell), you may choose to give them the benefit of the doubt; they made an error in judgment about the situation and, as a result, overstepped. On the other hand, if they react poorly — they raise their voice, gaslight you, or otherwise disregard your feelings — you can feel safe in your assumption that you are better off without them.
Keep in mind that you also don’t have to call them out. You can assess the situation in your head and act accordingly. If you ever feel unsafe, always err on the side of caution and keep your commentary to yourself. When dating, your safety must always remain the priority, not educating someone else about your boundaries or etiquette in general. That’s not your job or why you’re there.
When to Give a Second Chance — And When to Walk Away
Speaking of why you’re there, first dates are an opportunity to learn more about someone who has piqued your interest and whose interest you’ve piqued. Many times, actually, most of the time, you won’t like what you see, which is why you can go on a lot of first dates before beginning to see someone more steadily. And then it may still not work out.
Though disappointment can be disheartening and frustrating, your strategy should remain the same: Go into every date with a positive outlook and an open mind to give yourself the best chance of success. As the old Russian proverb tells us: “Trust, but verify,” which, in dating, is translation for “believe the good, but don’t ignore the bad.”