Set the stage: You’re on a first date and the guy you’re with compliments you: “You’re beautiful. Not model-beautiful, given your size, but definitely pretty.”
You smile and say thank you (slowly) because you know compliments are supposed to make you feel good, but this one doesn’t meet the mark. There’s a reason: This isn’t a genuine compliment. What it is is an example of negging, which, according to an article in Women’s Health, is an insult disguised as a compliment.
Negging in dating can come off as flirting, particularly when it’s delivered with a smile and a twinkle in the eye. But in no way is it flirting, which is a way to show someone else through flattery that you’re interested. Some experts go so far as to say negging is a form of emotional abuse since emotional abuse, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, is intended to “control, isolate, or frighten you.”
However you choose to define it, one commonality exists: Negging isn’t healthy for you.
Why is negging damaging?
Negging, even if it’s only the occasional backhanded compliment, can do damage to the person on the receiving end of it. For example, negging can cause you to second guess whatever the subject of it is — your looks, your intelligence, your family, your habits, and your possessions, to name a few. It can make you feel small, ugly, stupid, and altogether inferior. Done over long periods, the effects only intensify.
As negging erodes your self-confidence, it can cause you to become more dependent on the person who’s been “complimenting you.” Instead of leaving them, you hang around waiting for those real compliments that occur less and less as time goes on. The lack of continuity in their treatment of you only causes further confusion. It can also create anxiety and the feeling of walking on eggshells since you never know what you’re going to get from this person at any given moment.
Since the good is sprinkled in with the bad without rhyme or reason, you may become inclined to excuse those bad moments away in favor of the good ones, normalizing what is, indeed, toxic behavior. Eventually, however, resentment grows, eroding the relationship, along with what’s left of your self-respect. The thing is, if someone is negging you, they already resent you, and your relationship has already eroded.
What are some examples of negging?
The sky’s the limit when it comes to ways to insult someone else. Think back to past dates you walked away from them feeling insecure, despite you having arrived to the date confident. Though there are unlimited examples of negging, here are a few more to drive home what it sounds like:
“Your dress is cute for someone whose wardrobe is stuck in the 80s.”
“I thought you’d be one of those airheads by the look of you, but you’re actually kind of smart.”
“You’re not half bad looking.”
“You’re funnier when you drink.”
“You’d look even better if you lost a few pounds, but you still look good.”
But more than what the remark sounds like, what you should pay attention to is how you feel after or how much you find yourself interpreting its meaning.
What can you do if someone is negging you?
If someone you’re dating or in a relationship with you is negging you, you have a few choices. The first is to call it out: “Can you please repeat that?” or “Can you please explain what you mean?” When someone is asked to clarify an insult, they may be less inclined to repeat themselves.
You can then tell them how the comment caused you to feel. If it’s someone you don’t know well, they may express their remorse and apologize. Whether you choose to forgive them is up to you, but you should remain on your guard moving forward. They may also take the opportunity to gaslight you, saying you’re too sensitive. This is a red flag. The same is true for them trying to drag you into an argument.
Should negging already be a recurrent issue in your relationship, and, after learning more, you now understand what it is your partner has been doing and how detrimental it is, but you still want to give them a chance to change, you can set boundaries for how you expect them to speak and treat you.
Most importantly, though, you should feel free to leave your relationship, not schedule more dates with someone you’ve been seeing, or make a first date a last date if someone is negging you. There are plenty of other people who will treat you with the respect you deserve. Self-respect begins with you.
Final thoughts …
Though negging is hurtful, it’s important to recognize that the behavior says more about the person doling out the critiques than you. That said, it’s not your responsibility to fix someone who’s been negging you. Nor is it to wait around for them to behave better. In the wise words of Maya Angelou, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”