You know you’re justified in cutting things off with a guy when he behaves poorly: He shows up late for a date with no good reason, looks the waitress up and down and flirts with her, or deliberately (you suspect) leaves his wallet at home so you’ll have to pay. Name your red flag.
These are no-brainers — hopefully — that a guy is not for you and deserves his walking papers. But what if it’s something else, something far less egregious, something that wouldn’t bother most people that, for whatever reason, gives you “the ick” so severely you never want to see this guy again? Are you justified in cutting him loose, or are you being too picky because he did something that you personally consider what has come to be known as “the ick”?
Not sure what I’m talking about? Ask Bethenny Frankel, who claims she wanted to break up with someone because he ate overnight oats every day. Huh?
In a recent Instagram post, Frankel confessed to this seconds before admitting her overnight oats rule is a double standard; she can eat them (and chia seed pudding) as much as she wants, but a man can’t. Translation: If a man does, it gives her the ick; therefore, she can’t date him.
Frankel isn’t alone in feeling this way. In a follow-up post, Frankel described how she was floored by the icks of others, which flooded her comments. Icks included a mother who ghosted a man because he ordered oatmeal for breakfast and a doctor who used the word “vacay.”
“Like, everybody’s crazy,” Frankel said.
But are they? According to cognitive science, maybe not.
The Ick, Cognitively Speaking
According to an article from the Cleveland Clinic, the ick can indicate there’s something more at play than how irritating the way someone chews is. People often think of the ick as a first date or early date issue when, in actuality, it can and does happen in long-term relationships as well.
Whether the ick, which should not be confused with a red flag, should be given the credibility it often receives, prompting those who experience it to act on it, might be better understood by examining attachment style. As the article goes on to explain, in a long-term relationship, like a marriage, the ick could be related to a deeper issue in the relationship. Think in terms of how spouses treat each other or something that’s happened to compromise a relationship’s foundation.
On the other hand, during the first or first few dates, the ick could be rooted in the icked-out person having an avoidantly-attached relationship style, for example. The implication is that someone who feels the ick often may be using those icks as an excuse not to invest in a relationship. The real reasons may be that they fear being hurt or experienced relationship trauma in the past.
Bottom line: If you frequently experience the ick and it keeps you from getting into a relationship, it may be worth delving deeper into why you consistently find fault with everyone you meet. Once you do, you can work on overcoming the ick.
Tips for Getting Past the Ick
If the ick is always holding you back, it may help to ask yourself the following questions before saying, “Next!”:
Do I understand the difference between an ick and a red flag?
Is what this person’s doing a red flag, or is it an ick?
Am I looking for icks, or am I waiting for them to happen so I can get out of here?
Do I think the ick-feeling I’m experiencing with this person could decrease with time?
Does this person have enough green flags that I would consider overlooking the ick to give them another chance?
Could I benefit from talking to a mental health professional about how often I experience the ick?
When you run through these questions in your mind during or immediately after a date, you may find that being so harsh is what’s causing you to overlook real prospects. In any event, running through the list can help you do a thorough analysis so you don’t wonder afterward if you made the right choice to let someone go.
Final Thoughts
Chemistry in relationships is important, and you deserve to feel it with a partner. Just as much as someone deserves to feel it with you.
The issue is that when “there’s always something” on your end, it comes time to evaluate why this is always the case. It may simply be that you’ve been the unlucky one who got to meet the guy who blew his nose in a cloth napkin or picked his teeth with his credit card. Or worse, yours. No one’s denying that. People can be gross.
That said, if a guy’s love of red velvet cupcakes or desire to rest his head on a satin pillowcase each night is enough to throw you into a tizzy, the issue may not be with him. And instead, with you.