You’ve probably heard the expression, “Dating is a numbers game.” It’s pretty straightforward and, if you ask me, generally good advice. It simply means that the more people you date, the more chance you have to meet someone who fits the description of your perfect match.
But what happens when you take it too far — when you have so many first dates scheduled that you’re considering creating a spreadsheet to remember what you wore and with whom, and, more importantly, to recall a few personal details about the person you’re seeing? If this sounds like you, you may be on dating overload, dating too many people at the same time.
While it may sound efficient, this strategy can backfire and make it so you don’t find your match. Or at least recognize them when you see them. Here’s why.
Too many dates can cause burnout and decision fatigue.
Meeting new people on repeat can be exhausting, making it harder to discern who to date, continue dating, or pass on. When you date just a few people at a time, you can better focus on each person, including how they behave before, during, and after the date.
This is vital information to collect. Dating too many people may cause you to miss red and green flags, which are integral to finding matches and being a safe dater.
Too many dates may give rise to superficial connections and nothing serious.
Juggling multiple prospects can interfere with you forming deeper emotional bonds with someone, leading you only to have a series of shallow interactions. Though having a busy social calendar can be exciting, it can get old, especially if your goal is to get into a serious relationship.
Too many dates may make you believe there will always be someone better around the corner.
It’s a great feeling to be wanted, but when you think there will always be someone new and better around the corner, you may be less inclined to give that “nice guy” (or “nice girl”) a chance. Or worse, be quick to blame the ick for why you’re getting rid of them.
Often, realizing you're into someone can take a few encounters. Yes, it’s easy to recognize an instant attraction, but too much chemistry at the beginning doesn’t always bode well for the longevity of a relationship. Seeing where a tiny spark leads can be more promising in the long run.
Too many dates can cause you to become emotionally detached.
Too many dates in a short period can desensitize you to the excitement of what it feels like to have a real connection. Because you’re not focused on the here and now and, instead, on the five dates you have lined up, people you don’t know well can begin to feel like numbers. Spend some time as a detached dater, and it won’t be long before dating starts feeling like a chore. When dating becomes a chore, you’ll be quicker to choose your jammies over a night out.
Too many dates may mean you won’t enjoy a date if you do go.
Say you do forgo your jammies to go on a date you were ambivalent about. If you’re already experiencing dating burnout, there’s a good chance you will be itching to be anywhere but there. This is what happens when you’re going through the motions.
Not only will you not enjoy the experience as much as you could, but likely, neither will your date, causing that first date to become a last date. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy that brings you to yet another first date you’ve already proven you’re reluctant to have.
Too many dates can result in you forgetting what you’re looking for in a person.
When you are so busy accumulating people to date, it’s easy to forget what you’re looking for. Them asking you out (or saying yes to a date if you’re the one who asked) should not be enough to warrant your effort. No, you don’t want to be too picky, but you do want to pick and choose strategically based on your criteria for a partner — criteria you should have thought of before putting yourself out there.
Final thoughts …
Dating is for discovering — discovering what you like about someone you meet, as well as discovering what you like about yourself. If you’re too preoccupied with mechanics, including the number of dates you go on, you’re missing out on the experiences that can improve your dating skills enough to recognize when you’ve found love and not only no longer have to date but no longer want to.