There’s a myth that there will be instant chemistry when you meet the one. Having spent over 30 years as a matchmaker, I can tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. This is not just because I didn’t feel a spark when I first met my husband Mike (sorry, Mike), but also because research dispels the myth.
Researchers at Tel Aviv University, for example, found that individuals who exhibited generosity and altruism were perceived as more physically attractive. The effect was repeated across genders and varying types of relationships, suggesting that kindness influences the perception of attractiveness.
Switching gears, the Mere Exposure Effect, a psychological phenomenon in which repeated exposure to a stimulus leads to increased liking, supports the notion that familiarity can raise attraction. The concept is relevant to understanding how attraction can grow over time.
But the question still remains: How long should you wait for a spark? One date? Three dates? Ten dates? Consider the following.
Why can first impressions sometimes be misleading?
Bad first impressions — a guy not walking to your car, texting at the table, being rude to waitstaff — these are first impressions that are worth paying attention to. Why? Because each of them is a red flag.
Then there are those first impressions that are, well, just not great. A poorly told joke, not being a captivating conversationalist, and behaving a little awkwardly are a few examples of evaluations you can make of someone that can leave you unsure if you like them or not. They haven’t offended you, but they haven’t caused you to foresee a future with them in it, either. Yet.
If you’re not sure how you feel after a first date, and I argue after a second, you owe it to yourself to give that person another chance. But to make that chance truly worthwhile, it can help to change up the atmosphere of the date.
So, if you met for dinner on the first date, perhaps on the second, you try an activity to see how they are in a different setting. Reevaluate after the second date whether your attraction to them is growing before you decide if it’s worth continuing to a third date.
How can you tell if an attraction is growing?
The best way to tell if your attraction to someone is growing is to listen to your gut. How do you feel when you’re with them? And, just as important, how do you feel when you’re apart? Are you thinking about this person or is it a clear case of out of sight, out of mind?
If it’s the latter, you probably have your answer. But if you enjoy your conversations when you’re with one another and the interactions you have when you’re not, plus you look forward to the next time when you will be together, then this person is probably beginning to grow on you.
Remember, sex can cloud judgment. With oxytocin flowing, it can be hard to get a true read on your attraction level. It’s possible to be sexually attracted to someone and not like them in other ways — or in every way else. Therefore, if you’re unclear about your attraction level, it’s probably wise not to use the bedroom as your measure.
How long is too long to wait?
While the slow burn of growing attraction is enticing, you don’t want to wait around indefinitely for it to happen. Many times, it won’t.
Signs attraction is at a standstill include your indifference to them seeing others, not wanting to do anything intimate, like hold hands or kiss, and another individual holding your attention more than they do or just the prospect of it. Though emotional intimacy can take time to build, it’s not a given. In the interest of your happiness and the other person’s, you shouldn’t force yourself to feel something you don’t just because someone looks good on paper.
When should you move on?
Understanding the difference between patience and wishful thinking is important. You shouldn’t bet on potential because those are generally not good bets. A few dates is enough time to learn what you need to make an informed decision.
Before calling it quits, though, make sure it’s what you want. If you make a mistake, the other person may not let you come back, or at least come back for a long, long time. No one likes to think they are a backup choice.
How can you create more sparks?
If you don’t feel a spark with anyone you date, the issue may be more with you than with them. Meaning, you may need to change up your approach to making connections and how you behave on dates.
With regard to connections, make sure you are being fairly specific in who you’re looking for. While it’s a smart dating strategy to cast a wide net, too wide a net can cause you to make connections with people you won’t align with on many levels and, as a result, may not find yourself attracted to.
If that’s not your issue, check in with yourself about your behavior on a date. Are you present? Are you being somewhat vulnerable and sharing personal details about yourself? Are you open to chemistry growing, or is there something (or someone) in your life holding you back? Any of these reasons or a combination of them can be why you’re not feeling attraction with the people you’re dating.
Final thoughts …
It can be frustrating to go on date after date and feel like you’re not connecting with anyone. But even when you’re doing everything “right,” it can still take time. Though there’s science and strategy involved in dating, there’s also a little luck involved. The thing about luck is that the harder you work at something, the luckier you get.