Should I Tell a Woman Her Spouse or Partner Is Cheating?

No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, and telling a woman her spouse or partner is cheating is a special kind of bad. But that doesn’t mean you should necessarily keep the information to yourself.  

Difficult conversations are difficult for a reason. Therefore, you should consider the repercussions of telling a woman her spouse or partner is cheating before having a conversation. Here’s why. 

A woman may act on the information you give her.  

Apart from looking a person in the eye and telling them something difficult to hear, one of the reasons why telling a woman that her spouse or partner is cheating is so daunting is that the woman may act on it in a way that changes the trajectory of her life and perhaps her children’s if she has any. That’s a lot of responsibility on your part.  

Though you may have your opinion about what she should do based on what you would do in the same situation (of course, no one truly knows what they would do until they're faced with making a decision), the woman may have her reasons for responding in the way she does, reasons you may not be privy to. It’s thus important before giving a woman information that her husband is cheating that you consider the possible effect that information could have and also the effect you don’t consider because it’s a wild card.  

Not every woman will want to know.   

You may find that a woman will not want to know what you’re telling her. Ignorance is bliss for many people, and not everyone finds cheating a reason worthy of upending their relationship, maybe even life. This is a personal decision, and if you do tell, you shouldn’t consider it your job to counsel that woman on what she should do with her marriage and family. 

She may not believe you.  

The woman you’re telling may not believe what you’re telling her. Whether it’s because she actually doesn’t believe you, thinks you have an ulterior motive for giving her this information or is in absolute denial and needs time to process the information, she may call you a liar despite you not being one.  

These can be hard words to hear, especially if you value honesty, and that’s the reason you talked to this woman in the first place. No one likes to have their character assaulted. Not to mention, you are convinced she will be better off by receiving the information you give her and are now frustrated on top of whatever else you are feeling that she doesn’t want to believe you.  

You may make an enemy (or enemies) by telling.  

By telling, you risk making an enemy of both the woman you’re telling and the individual who is betraying her. Doing so can put you in a precarious, if not dangerous, position. Again, you never know how someone will react if they feel outed or backed into a corner.  

If you are friends with the woman being cheated on, telling her about her husband may jeopardize your friendship. The reasons for this effect can vary — she may be embarrassed, think you won’t support her in her decision based on this new information, or, as noted above, she doesn’t believe you and is now angry.  

Your information may be incorrect or misleading.  

If you aren’t 100 percent certain about the news you are sharing, it’s important that you let the woman know. This way, she can do whatever verification she needs to make herself feel comfortable that what you say is true.  

You don’t want to be accused of spreading misinformation or causing damage resulting from it that is irreparable. In any event, you want to be pretty close to sure before sharing information with a woman that her spouse or partner is cheating because it can be so damaging.  

Your reasons for telling are self-serving. 

Even if the information you relay is true and the woman acts on it in a way that honors herself and her family, being the messenger may still backfire in your face if she decides that your reasons for telling serve you first.  

Not only can this cast a shadow on your information, but the woman may come to see you in a negative light. It’s best to check in with yourself first about your motives for interfering.  

Final thoughts … 

No matter how you approach the situation, telling a woman her spouse or partner is cheating will cause someone pain. Loss is inevitable, and it may be in more ways than one.  

But even the hardest decisions are more palatable when they are well thought out. Making them becomes easier, and so does living with them.  

How Long Should I Wait for a Man to Commit?

Peruse any single women’s Facebook groups, such as “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” or talk to any woman who’s dating someone they like, and you’ll hear an age-old question that never seems to get old: “How long should I wait for a man to commit?”  

The answers tend to vary, and so do the stories, replete with women who waited too long and those who put on the heat too soon, scaring the guy away. It can all get confusing.  

While there’s no secret formula for how long a woman should wait for a man to commit, a few rules of thumb can help you make this decision. They follow. 

Understand your timeline.  

Everyone has their own timeline for doing things, including staying in a relationship. Your timeline for waiting for a man to commit can depend on various factors: your comfort level, your biological clock, and your career goals, to name just a few. Once you understand the reasons underlying your timeline, having difficult conversations and making decisions based on them should be easier.  

Communicate your intentions for dating and your timeline early. 

When you understand your timeline, it’s important to also let the people you date know about it. Communicating your intentions for dating and your timeline related to it can prevent you from dating people who don’t share your relationship goals.  

How and when you communicate this information to romantic prospects can vary. If you use dating apps, it can be as early as your dating profile. For example, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, say so. The same for marriage. The old adage holds true: If you don’t ask, you don’t get. If you meet someone out in the world — at a party, at the gym, or through a friend — communicate your general dating objectives fairly early on in your dealings with one another.   

Though you don’t want to discuss your desire to get pregnant within a year of dating on a first date, for example, by a few dates in, you should be having conversations clarifying that you both want the same outcome with at least someone, even if it isn’t you. If you don’t want marriage but still want a committed relationship, be specific and say so. A commitment does not necessarily equal marriage. The more clear you are from the beginning, the more information you can gather. 

When a guy tells you what he wants (or doesn’t), believe him. 

This starts on the dating profile, ladies. When a guy says he’s not looking for anything serious, don’t go into your interactions thinking you will be the one to change his mind. Most of the time, you won’t be that person.  

Of course, we all know of a girl who went from a friend with benefits to a wife, but that girl is the exception, not the rule. Think you will be that girl, and you will more likely have set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.  

Keep an eye on how your relationship is progressing.  

It’s a good idea to take a step back every now and then to see how your relationship is progressing. In a healthy relationship, you should notice a steady deepening of your emotional bond and trust for one another and an increase in the frequency of conversations you have about your future as a couple. If you’re both opening up more, building trust, and making plans together, it’s a good sign that the relationship is developing in the way you want.   

If you have witnessed instances of micro-cheating or you suspect the person you’re dating is cheating (or has cheated), they are often disrespectful, or they do anything else that doesn’t feel good, then it’s time to reassess whether you would want this man to commit to you. Be careful of what you wish for. If they set this stage for you already, you will continue to be dissatisfied and unhappy.    

Listen to those around you.  

If the people around you — your friends, family, colleagues, even strangers on the street who witness an unhealthy act or verbal exchange — make negative comments about how the person you’re dating treats you or about your relationship in general, take heed. It’s difficult for many people to speak up about sensitive issues like these, and if they are doing so, it’s likely because they’re concerned and they care about you. 

Sometimes, there is an outlier, a friend who doesn’t like the person you’re dating. If it’s just one, consider that person’s motivation for giving feedback, such as jealousy or maybe a personality clash. But also consider that they may have seen or heard something different from everyone else. The point is to be open to the information others give you about your relationship and then decide if there is any merit to it.  

Don’t settle. 

Don’t settle for less than you deserve while waiting for a man you’re dating to commit. Your happiness shouldn’t be tied solely to someone else’s decisions about you. Instead, focus on your life and dreams so that you are fulfilled and content, regardless of your relationship status.  

You should never feel you have to sacrifice your well-being and personal goals to maintain your relationship. You deserve a man who is ready to meet your standards and wants to because he only wants you.      

What to Do When Someone Flirts with Your Partner

“Is this actually happening,” you ask yourself in disbelief. “Who does this person think they are?”  

My guess is that lots of words come to mind, and not many of them are kind.  

Whatever you think, though, doesn’t really matter; the situation they’re creating needs to be addressed. The question is how. 

Decide if the behavior is flirty or friendly.  

Yes, there’s a fine line between the two. The lens you see the world, shaped by your life experiences, including past betrayals, and your knowledge of the person doing the flirting (if you know them), very much determines where that line lies. So, before jumping to conclusions, consider the situation in these terms. If you’re still confident the person was flirting, move on to the next step, which is to … 

Assess your significant other’s response to the flirting.  

There are ways to handle inappropriate attention from someone outside your relationship and ways not to. If your partner was clearly enjoying the attention, encouraging it, or flirting back, gently try to steer the conversation elsewhere.  

If that doesn’t work, in a non-obvious way, urge your significant other to leave this person’s presence with you. Whatever you do, don’t cause a scene; you will only look petty and insecure. Also, you have no idea how your partner or this other person will behave, and you don’t want to risk them doing anything to embarrass you. Any issues in your relationship should be addressed with your partner privately first. 

Speak with your significant other afterward about the incident.  

If this is the first time, it is best to speak with your significant other afterward about what happened, how you felt at the time, and how you feel about it now. When talking to your partner, use words like “I felt …” and “This is what I noticed when …” Next, allow your partner time to respond.  

If they had no clue what was occurring or didn’t see the situation as you did, work together to put yourselves in each other's shoes. Pose the question “How would you feel if …” and pay attention to how your partner responds. If they take to gaslighting you, you may have a different and bigger problem on your hands, one that has nothing to do with the person who was flirting. 

On the other hand, if your partner is empathetic and feels bad about your experience, and you haven’t had a need to have this sort of conversation in the past, don’t harp on the incident. Do, however, discuss where your boundaries around flirting are. 

Set boundaries around flirting. 

Talk about what behaviors are acceptable for each of you and what aren’t. Discuss also what you expect from each other should someone outside your relationship flirt with either of you, whether in each other’s presence or not.  

Boundaries should not apply to just one of you. They are rules for your relationship to keep you both comfortable and should not be seen (or used) as a punishment. 

Speak with the person doing the flirting directly.   

The last resort, and a DEFCON 1 move, is to talk directly to the person doing the flirting. But only do so if this person fits the following profile: they are a repeat offender, and your partner has already made it clear (for real, hopefully) that their advances are unwelcome.  

Depending on the individual, their personality, and their agenda, be prepared for them not to back down. But if your relationship is strong, perhaps made stronger by taking the steps above, you should have nothing to worry about. That is, except maybe getting the hiccups when you and your partner laugh about how pathetic this person is.  

Focus on your relationship. 

Remain focused on each other and your relationship, continuing to deepen it. You can do this by giving each other your time and attention and listening to your partner when they communicate about what they don’t like and what they do. Both matter. Relationships are made up of a series of choices, the most important of which is choosing each other each and every day.  

Should you or your partner stop choosing each other, the time has come to reassess your relationship. Not all relationships are built to last, and trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held or who you no longer want to hold is like keeping a bird in a cage when it’s meant to soar.  

Dating Dr. Dolittle: What to Expect When Dating an Animal Lover

If you’ve ever gotten to know an animal lover well, you know how passionate they are — and can become — about the furry friends in their lives and even the furry friends who aren’t. They love with all their hearts and share their exuberance with as many people and causes as possible.  

Not surprisingly, dating an animal lover (as opposed to a pet owner who loves their pet) may be a different experience from those you’ve had before with either animal “likers” or those who just don’t understand the fuss. If you fall into one of these latter categories, too, but have begun dating an animal lover and want to continue doing so, there are a few things you should probably know about what your experience may look like.   

Animals will always be a high priority. 

When you date an animal lover, their pets (and maybe others) will take a high priority in their life. With this in mind, you should prepare yourself to consider your partner’s pets when scheduling dates, weekends away, and vacations. Before all else, your animal-loving partner will want to ensure their pet is healthy, safe, and happy at all times, even if that means cutting plans short.  

You will probably be engaging in some pet-friendly activities.  

Pet-friendly activities will probably be on the calendar, so get ready to go on pet walks, attend events and fundraisers related to pets (pets may even be on the guest list), prepare special pet recipes, talk about pets often, have pets in your bed, and shop at stores devoted exclusively to them. Really, anything about pets will be the order of the day.    

Animal lovers will often have strong feelings about animal rights and welfare.  

Recognizing that animal lovers often have deeply rooted and strong feelings about animal rights and welfare will help you understand better what makes your partner tick. This appreciation can foster a deeper connection and engender respect in your relationship. By doing your own research about pets and participating in pet-related events with your partner, you may find yourself, over time, becoming more empathetic toward their causes of choice, something you never would have thought would happen.  

Animal lovers cannot or will not want to rein in their dedication to animal rights and welfare since it's a significant element of their core values. So, if you are considering asking your partner to tone it down, think of it as basically asking them to change who they are. You wouldn’t want someone asking that of you, would you? 

Building rapport with your partner’s pets will go a long way.  

People who love animals and have pets look at their pets as family members because, to them, they are. Therefore, when you insult, ignore, or minimize a pet’s role in your partner’s life, you are, in effect, insulting their child or best friend. This will do nothing to help you grow closer to your partner. It will likely alienate them from you. 

If you are interested in building a genuine relationship with your partner, think about ways to do the same with your partner’s pet. Even if you have never been an animal lover before, even if you have never had your own pet, it’s not too late to earn the love and respect of the animal in your partner’s life  — and now yours. 

Pets can sense who likes them and who doesn’t, and they can sense who’s making an effort. Similar to people, pets won’t automatically trust you at first. You must earn that trust, just as you must with your human partner.  

Before making these attempts, ask yourself whether your feelings for your partner warrant these efforts. If they don’t, then consider finding someone who doesn’t prioritize animals in their lives. Those people exist, too.  

You should feel comfortable sharing your feelings and enforcing your boundaries around pets. 

Relationships involve two people, so even if your partner is vehement about their pets and other animals, your feelings, health, and well-being shouldn’t have to take a backseat to theirs or their pets’. So, if there are times when you feel uncomfortable around your partner's pet, would prefer to do an alternative activity that doesn’t involve their pet or other animals, or have allergies due to their pet that need attention, speak up.  

If you are demonstrating you are trying to learn more about their life and integrate yourself into it, an animal lover who is interested in a relationship with you should be willing to work with you to meet your needs in the relationship as well. If they reveal they are unwilling to make any concessions, barring putting their pet in jeopardy, it may signal to you that this isn’t the right person for you and that maybe another partner, even another animal lover, might be more compatible. 

Final thoughts … 

Dating an animal lover can be a wonderfully eye-opening experience. It can indicate that you will like a life with animals in it or, alternatively, that you will be much happier in an animal-free environment. There’s no shame in either.

Where problems arise, whether you’re talking about a love for animals or any other core value, is when you or your partner aren’t being true to yourselves. Like our furry companions, we have the instinct to know when this is happening. The question thus becomes whether we will have the courage to move on and continue searching for the life we want and who we want in it.   

First Date Faux Pas: What Not to Do on Your First Outing

A first date comes after you’ve collected enough information that you want to spend the time and energy to meet someone in person. This makes it an investment. As with any good investment, you want to do whatever you can to get the best return.   

Even if the date turns out to be a one-hit wonder and you never see this person again, you want to leave a lasting impression that’s positive. Not just because you don’t want someone to think negatively about you but because that person is now a connection of yours and can introduce you to someone who may be a better match.  

On the flip side, they can speak poorly of you, especially if you commit any one of the following common first-date faux pas. With this in mind, here’s what not to do on your first outing.  

Arrive Late Without a Good Reason 

If you are the type of person who generally runs late, try harder not to when going on a first date. Unless you have a really good reason why you’re not at your meeting place when you’re supposed to be — the babysitter wasn’t on time, there was traffic (for real), or you got detained at work — it won’t reflect favorably on you. And even if you do have a genuine excuse, there’s no telling whether the person you’ve kept waiting will believe you. After all, they don’t know you yet and have no reason to take your word at face value.  

First dates are like job interviews. If you wouldn’t behave a certain way with a prospective employer, don’t behave that way with someone you are meeting for a date. Everyone’s time is valuable, and if you aren’t demonstrating that you respect your date’s time, it may cause them to wonder what else you won’t respect. If you do happen to run late, be sure to communicate your new arrival time and apologize, then apologize again when you do arrive.   

Talk Only About Yourself 

Want to come off as self-centered and narcissistic? Talk about yourself endlessly. Don’t ask your date anything about themselves, either.  

As interesting as you may be, you will become less interesting, not to mention less likable, if you fail to engage in real banter, where you ask questions to your date with the genuine intention of getting to know them better.  

True, your date wants to get to know you, but they also want you to get to know them. You can’t do this if you’re yapping away about your college days or, worse, your colleagues who they’ve never met. No one wants to be told, “You had to be there.” 

Not Listen or Engage in Conversation 

Related to the above faux pas, you want to make sure to listen to what your date says. That includes paying attention to details about them or a story they’re telling. Ask questions. Show your interest with your body language. Be polite, even if you don’t like what they’re saying or even them personally. 

Overindulge in Alcohol 

Meeting at a bar and having a drink is a common first-date activity. Alcohol can definitely lighten the mood, helping to lessen any nerves you may have about meeting someone for the first time. Feeling relaxed is a plus, but you don’t want to feel too relaxed because your innate filter will have a harder time doing its job.  

Along with a compromised filter comes a lowering of inhibitions. Alcohol can give you a false sense of security and be the cause of poor decision-making. With too much alcohol, you could be more prone to making choices you will regret later, or worse, choices that put you in danger.  

Finally, letting yourself be overserved is not a good look. It demonstrates that you’re not in control of your urges, that you don’t care what others think, and that you may have a more serious problem regulating your alcohol intake. None of this reflects positively on you. 

Check Your Phone Repeatedly 

If you want to communicate how uninterested you are in someone, pull out your phone to check the score. Look at Instagram. Text back the group chat.  

It’s hard to disconnect from your phone entirely, especially if you have children at home. That’s probably the only reason why you might have to look at your phone during a date. But there are also ways to be discreet about it: look at your phone while in the restroom, leave your phone on vibrate, and request your kids or the babysitter responsible for them only contact you in an emergency. Leaving detailed instructions at home can help alleviate those non-emergency interruptions.  

Everything else should be able to wait. If it can’t, you should probably have considered rescheduling your date to a time when you could give someone your undivided attention or have canceled it.  

Discuss Controversial Topics 

Thoughts on the upcoming election? Abortion rights? Religion? Consider tabling those for a while. That is unless you deliberately want to alienate your date so they never want to see you again, or you never want to see them. If that’s the case, an “It was great meeting you. However, I don’t see a future for us” would work just as well. It would also not give someone a reason to badmouth you afterward. 

Instead, keep conversations light. Yes, you are there to learn about the person you’re sitting across from, but controversial topics can be too agitating for the occasion, including for the people sitting nearby, who are unfortunate enough to overhear them.    

Dress Inappropriately for the Occasion 

Wearing a garment that is uncomfortable or makes you feel conspicuous can change your mood and your physical demeanor. What you wear is also a form of self-expression, so make sure your clothing sends the message you intend.  

Bring Up Past Relationships 

Like clothing, talking about an ex can also send out messages you may not want to, such as you’re still hooked on them, you’re an angry or vengeful person, or present the possibility that your ex may rear their head and become a problem should you start a new relationship. The person you’re on a first date with doesn’t need to know your entire dating history, only your availability now.    

Ignore Basic Manners and Etiquette 

Lateness without good reason and checking your phone often, both discussed above, are just two ways to demonstrate your lack of basic manners and etiquette. Others include using foul language, ordering food before your date arrives without inquiring what they would like, letting the door close on someone instead of holding it open, and, often, the subject of controversy, not offering to pay, at least for your portion. When it comes to manners, consider how you would feel if someone treated you that way.   

Criticize or Judge 

Pointing out in a negative way someone’s appearance, voice, attire, or whatever is wrong. If you think it, it’s still not your place to say it. Everyone has feelings, and you don’t need to be the person to cause someone else to feel bad. Again, consider how you would feel in that situation.  

Final Thoughts …

While some faux pas, like the ones above, can be avoided, others cannot. Tripping, accidentally passing gas, or not hearing what someone said correctly are, unfortunately, real incidents that can happen in real life.  

Though potentially embarrassing, these slips don’t have to signal the end of your interaction. But if one does, move forward, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Everyone can have a bad moment. The point is not to create any bad moments unnecessarily but to create the best possible dating experience for you and another person you can.   

Who Comes First, a Partner or Adult Children?

One of the most common phrases spoken among unmarried single parents who are dating is “Kids come first.” It’s understandable. Parents are responsible for protecting and nurturing their children, especially during their formative years. Also, if parents are divorced, time with their children might be less than what it was when they were married and subject to new time constraints, depending on their custody schedule. As a result, they do their best to maximize quality time by staying present with their children when together, which can look different from parent to parent.  

Deciding how much attention to give to your partner or your children is a personal choice. Some parents may choose not to answer the phone or respond to a text when they have their kids, while others may be more sporadic in their contact. This can be frustrating, particularly if you're a parent who is more comfortable allocating time to contacting or responding to someone you’re dating, even when you have your children with you. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make.  

Things get murky, however, when this conversation involves adult children and how a partner prioritizes them over you. More specifically, at what point do you begin not dropping everything to accommodate your adult children’s non-emergency requests, whims, and demands for your time, especially if being accommodating as you always have been would come at the expense of your partner?  

No doubt, it’s a tricky balance to achieve because (a) you might be accustomed to dropping whatever you’re doing for your children due to habit, and (b) your adult children might be just as accustomed to you dropping everything since you always have. But your partner has a point, despite their understanding that your children will always be your children and that they mean the world to you. Your partner also wants to know they are your priority and that you value time with them enough that you are willing to lay down the line when your children demand attention, whenever and wherever, without considering what you might be doing at that moment.  

If you are a parent of adult children without special needs (parents of special needs or neurodiverse children may have to be more on call) for whom these habits ring true, it is probably time to step back and ask yourself if maybe you should think about whether it’s time to adjust your priorities, given your children’s entrance into adulthood, and give your partner and relationship the attention it deserves. If yes, here are three tips for how to go about doing so while protecting the intimacy of the relationship you share with your partner and the relationships you share with your children.  

Examine your behavior. 

Whether your partner has come to you and expressed their feelings about how you prioritize them versus your children, your children are salty and demanding when you’re with your partner, or you feel torn by the demands of your relationships, examine your role in these situations and what you’re doing or not doing to keep the peace for everyone, most of all you. Be truthful with yourself. 

Then, put yourself in everyone’s shoes. Are they justified in feeling neglected or unheard? Are there any actions you can take to be more evenhanded and protective of your independent time with your family and with your partner? If you’ve been feeling steamrolled, your answer will likely be yes. If it is, those actions must begin with creating and enforcing boundaries around both relationships.  

Create rules around how you will allocate your time and under what circumstances.  

What is your schedule like? Do you have “date night” with your partner on Saturdays or Wednesday nights? Do you both go to bed around 10 p.m.? Do you wake up around 6:30 a.m. to drive your partner to the train? Do you run together each morning? Whatever your schedule with your partner, do your best to keep these times sacred. They are yours and your partner’s alone unless you mutually agree to spend that time in an alternative way.  

The same goes for time you spend with your adult children: regularly scheduled lunches or shopping trips, weekends away, and going to the theater, for example. If you don’t get to see your adult children often but speak to them at certain times of the day or week, honor those commitments as well.  

Obviously, emergencies will come up. In the case of a genuine emergency, all rules go out the window. On the other hand, it’s perfectly fine to still have impromptu visits and conversations. Where issues arise is when adult children, whether becuase they’re clueless or they’re being deliberate, encroach on your time with your partner to the point where it strains your relationship. When this happens, it’s time for a conversation with everyone involved.  

Speak to your adult children and your partner about how you plan to balance your time moving forward.  

Should these interruptions begin occurring frequently, or they have been, it’s time to share some details about your daily schedule with your adult children and how you expect them to respect it. You might be saying to yourself right now that you shouldn’t have to clear your schedule with anyone, let alone your adult kids, but giving them a heads up about when you won’t be available to them can help if they weren’t aware previously. If they were aware but didn’t care, you telling them will provide notice to them about what you expect moving forward. 

Adult children used to getting what they want when they want it might not take kindly to you setting boundaries and become even more irritated if you begin enforcing those boundaries by not jumping every time they say to jump. Do your best to stay true to the boundaries you create and enforce them repeatedly. Think of it as breaking old habits and creating new ones. But recognize change won’t happen overnight.  

Speak with your partner as well about the schedule you plan on keeping, including the time you intend to dedicate to your adult children. Your partner needs to understand your dedication to your children, no matter how young or old they are, and that you intend to give and continue giving them your love, interest, support, and, yes, attention. Your partner should be on board without expressing hostility, resentment, or jealousy. If they can’t be, you might want to consider seeking couples counseling.  

Final thoughts … 

There are only so many hours in the day, so you want to use them to show the people important to you how much you love, value, and care for them. But you don’t want to do it at the expense of yourself and your peacefulness, nor should you have to.  

So, to answer the question, who comes first, a partner or adult children? Both do, depending on when, where, and the circumstances involved, all of which are up to your discretion. Your children might be adults now, but it’s important to remember that you’re an adult, too.   

How to Talk About a Late Spouse or Life Partner With a New Partner

Dating after the loss of a spouse or life partner can be trying emotionally in various ways. You may experience guilt, sadness, fear, and a wealth of other emotions that you might not even be able to put a name to at any given moment. It’s understandable. Your partner was an integral part of your life and left an indelible mark on it.  

While you want to honor the past, you also realize that you’d like to move forward and find someone with whom you can enjoy all of what life continues to offer. But your dilemma is how you can comfortably talk about your late partner with a new partner. And not just to explain your late partner’s role in your life prior to their death but the role they continue to play in who you are today, including how much you continue to miss them and grieve their loss. In other words, you want to honor both individuals in the way they deserve. Below are a few suggestions for how.  

Approach new relationships with honesty about where you are in the grieving process.  

Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Consequently, only you will know if you are ready to begin dating. With this in mind, it’s OK to start and stop dating should you discover you aren’t ready even after going out on some dates.  

The key to dating with integrity — for yourself and any prospective partner — is to honestly approach your relationships about where you are or find yourself in the grieving process. So, consider talking to the person you are involved with about how you are feeling in your grief, even if it is years after the loss. After all, no one can predict what sight, smell, or phrase will evoke a memory, and you want to give yourself permission to feel what you feel when you feel it.   

Set aside specific times to deal with your grief independently, apart from new relationships. 

While you want to give yourself permission to experience your grief in its fullness, you might consider not doing it exclusively with your new partner, even if they aren’t so new to you anymore. To that end, you can set aside specific times to deal with your grief independently. This is as much for your benefit as it is for your new partner. 

No matter how supportive your new partner is of your grief and how much they respect the relationship you shared with your late partner, they aren’t you. They haven’t had your experiences, and they don’t walk in your shoes. As understanding as someone can be, that understanding has its limits, which grief does not. Time alone with your thoughts or visiting a place that is special due to the memories it holds is not a bad thing. Instead, it can promote healing.   

Be considerate of your new partner’s feelings.  

Like you, your partner is human. In spite of how supportive they are of you in your grief, it is bound to cause mixed emotions if it becomes “too much,” whatever that looks like for them. Jealousy or feelings of inadequacy could set in for them. You also don’t want to become resentful of your new partner for feeling the way they do.  

There is a fine line between being considerate of your new partner’s feelings and walking on eggshells around them. You should never feel as if you have to do the latter. If you do, it’s a clear sign this person isn’t one you should consider keeping around. The point is to put yourself in your new partner’s shoes, considering how they might feel within the context of your reminiscing about your late partner.   

Don’t compare your new partner to your late partner.  

If you were with your late partner for a long time, especially if you were happy, it might be hard to resist comparing your new partner to them. Comparison is a natural human tendency, but if you are trying to move forward with a new relationship, it is something to keep in mind and in check.  

Everyone wants to be considered for their individuality, for what makes them unique and, in your eyes, special. If you continually put them in a position of feeling like they are in the shadow of your late partner, never quite measuring up to the memories you have of them, it could take its toll.  

Not comparing your new partner to your late partner is also helpful for gaining clarity about whether your new partner is the right match for you as you are today. It becomes difficult, if not impossible, to do so if you constantly judge them against your late partner, whom you might also have grown accustomed to idealizing since their death.  

Find a partner who is considerate of your life story. 

Experiencing love after loss requires finding and recognizing that special person who is comfortable enough with themselves to be considerate of your life story, which also includes your late partner. But given everyone’s humanity, there are natural limits to this, limits that will inevitably vary from person to person. Such is the beauty of love after loss — when someone enters your life not to replace the person who’s left you but to stand alongside them, growing with you as you grow.

‘Are We Dating the Same Guy?’ The Facebook Groups Leveling the Playing Field

Talk to any single woman who’s “on the apps,” dating apps that is, and she’s probably got stories to tell. Looking at the glass half full, some of them will be good. She found a great guy. She went on a fun date. She found a one-in-a-million friend and life partner. Others, well, they’re likely not going to be that good. In fact, they can be downright scary. It’s why “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups are popping up all across the country, maybe in your neck of the woods, too. Their purpose? To protect women.  

But from what?  

The answers run the gamut: from dating a married guy or one who’s cheating on his girlfriend. The scammer. The one who’s living a double life. The one who doesn’t respect boundaries. The one who’s cheap, weird, obnoxious, abusive, has a criminal record of violence against women, suffers from a personality disorder, or is, for whatever reason, undesirable.  

The groups are comprised of women only, and to be admitted, one must understand the group’s rules thoroughly, typically demonstrated by rewriting a few of the rules in one’s own words. These rules are not just guidelines either; they are the backbone of each group’s mission to protect women. Rules include not sharing posts with nonmembers, especially with any of the men named, given how doing so could create safety issues, and not making fun of men. Posts and comments are supposed to be for informational purposes only.   

Many men know about these groups and don’t like them. According to a recent Washington Post article, the groups have sparked numerous lawsuits, citing damage caused to those named in the group, ranging from job loss to reputational damage. Whether the groups will continue to go on the way they are without additional constraints placed on them remains to be seen. But for now, new groups and their membership numbers are growing not just steadily but quickly.  

As a woman, it’s easy to understand the reasons behind creating these Facebook groups. After all, dating can be dangerous at times, even if you take every safety precaution. However, these Facebook groups are controversial, with good reason. So, if you decide to join a “Are We Dating the Same Guy Facebook?” group, here are a few issues to think about.   

Are you doing enough to keep yourself safe while dating? 

If you are dating, regardless of where you were introduced to your date (online, organically in real life, or through someone you know), it is imperative that you exercise caution when dating. That means not letting your guard down. It is your life you are talking about — your safety as well as potentially that of your family.  

First and foremost, listen to your gut. This safety precaution comes above all others, even if everything checks out on paper. Next, vet your dates. Vetting your dates entails numerous acts: exchanging messages over a dating platform if you meet on one, and communicating over text message, phone, and video chat. You can also ask other single friends if they know who your date is. Google them. If you want, peruse the “Are We Dating the Same Guy” group or groups in your area. 

If you decide to set a date, be sure to meet in a public place, let someone know where you are going and who you are meeting, and, if you move locations, keep someone responsible in your life informed. Most importantly, if something doesn’t feel right during the date, end the date politely and leave. 

The possibility that a man could be the victim of a jilted ex.  

Now, as valuable as information from a “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups can be, it’s important to consider the veracity of the information based on where it’s coming from. Many of the people posting about their experiences with a particular guy will be happy to chat with you in more detail about their experience, sometimes volunteering to do so without you having to ask. It’s, therefore, up to you to determine if they are telling the truth. 

Unfortunately, there are women who use these groups to see if their own husbands or boyfriends are cheating or to badmouth a guy they dated because the relationship didn’t work out as they wanted it to. There could also be situations in which a commitment was never clarified but the woman assumed there was one when there wasn’t and now she’s angry at the guy because she believes he led her on.  

This last situation reflects yet another reason why it’s so important to have a conversation about intentions in dating and where your relationship stands currently before making decisions about whether to continue the relationship, engage in sexual activity, meet each other’s families, or elevate the relationship in a way it doesn’t deserve. Sometimes “a sign” means nothing to the person assumed to be giving one. Use your words, and make sure the person you’re dating uses theirs. 

Not letting yourself become jaded about dating. 

Reading about all of the bad experiences women experience daily on dates or in their relationships isn’t exactly uplifting. If you join any of these “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups, you may find there are more of these negative types of posts than those vouching for a guy because someone dated them or worked with them. These positive posts do exist, by the way, and they are refreshing.  

They are also a reminder that there are good guys out there of all ages. Guys looking to have a meaningful relationship. Guys who will treat a woman well. Guys who are kind, generous, smart, respectful, active, well-groomed, ambitious, like to travel, and, most of all, would be happy to meet a woman who possesses all of these qualities, too. 

Why Older Couples Are Forgoing Marriage

People over 50 are no strangers to love. However, they do appear to be forgoing marriage despite it. 

According to Pew Research Center, approximately three in ten adults in the U.S. aged 50 to 64 and adults 65 and over are single, meaning unmarried, not living together, and not in a romantic relationship. That said, they are dating; of those who said they were looking for love, most said they would be open to a relationship or casual dates, though few said they were only looking for something casual. In 2023, Pew also reported that three in 10 U.S. singles had used a dating app.  

The thing is, when older singles do find their person, they’re not necessarily sealing their union with a kiss — at least not at the altar. In 2019, Bowling Green State University reported that of the 35 million household heads aged 50 and above who were not married, 2.1 million were living together in a cohabiting arrangement. 

So why the apparent reluctance to marry? It could be due to one (or more) of the following reasons.  

Worries Over Another Divorce 

What’s the expression, once bitten, twice shy? The U.S. Census reports that as of 2021, 6.9 out of every thousand women are divorced. Though divorce rates have been trending downward since 2011, they still affect millions of people each year. Since even the most amicable divorces can be unpleasant, not to mention costly, many singles are questioning the point of marriage later in life.     

Other Past Experiences 

Death of a spouse, death of a significant other, a bad break up or series of them, childhood trauma, dating someone with mental illness, you name it, it could sour even the most love-stricken individual on marriage. Or make them less enthusiastic to give it another go.  

Desire to Maintain Freedom 

With marriage often come expectations, for example, monogamy, though people are free to define how they want their marriage to work, in some cases opening it up to others. But for those not looking to face societal expectations, which can vary depending on the community they live in, it can be more comfortable for couples to call their own shots in a committed relationship rather than a marriage. 

Financial Concerns 

Where to begin when discussing the implications marriage can have on an individual’s finances? From the question of whether to co-mingle funds to worries over the accumulation of debt without one spouse’s knowledge, marriage can raise many issues.   

Moreover, if one or both spouses have college-aged kids receiving financial aid, getting married can potentially impact financial aid eligibility, given that it’s dependent on total household income, not which earner is the child’s parent. On a separate note, if a spouse is receiving alimony from their prior marriage, they could lose it if they remarry. The same applies to receiving a former spouse’s social security or military benefits, which could similarly be impacted by marriage. 

Prenuptial agreements and thorough estate planning can provide protections in certain areas, including protecting assets for spouses’ respective intended beneficiaries. However, it would be necessary to speak to an attorney first.  

Health Benefits 

Medicaid eligibility, like many of the financial matters above, can be affected by marriage. The extra income from the spouse not applying for or currently receiving Medicaid and the number of assets they own could negatively impact the applicant or recipient spouse. Again, it’s wise to talk to an attorney who is experienced in healthcare matters before embarking on marriage.  

Pressure From Adult Kids 

Kids, adult kids included, can be funny when it comes to seeing their parents marry someone other than the parent who raised them and may put pressure on their parents not to. Whether they like or dislike the new spouse won’t necessarily matter; they may still have concerns over why their parents are choosing to marry (i.e., what the new person’s intentions are) and what the effect will be on their parents' finances and perhaps the relationship they share with their parents.  

Social Acceptance of Cohabitation 

Hearing that a couple is living together rarely turns heads these days. This is because, even if they see marriage down the road, more and more people are living together before marriage as a way to test the waters. 

In addition, creating a cohabitation agreement, estate planning documents, and a prenuptial agreement in the absence of marriage can offer partners specific legal protections offered by marriage. Again, it’s helpful to speak with a family law attorney for guidance regarding your individual circumstances.    

Lack of Luster 

Marriage traditionally was the gold standard, considered the highest expression of love and commitment. But with the potential for legal protections outside marriage, plus changes in the way society views committed relationships, marriage is not always the shiny new toy people want for their toy box. Or people have been there, done that, and just don’t have the desire to do it again.  

Final thoughts … 

Choosing to commit to marriage is an individual decision as well as a decision made by a couple together. It can also change from partner to partner and over time. Marriage or not, it’s important to remember that true love, unlike marriage, has no bounds. Leaving you free to find, create, and enjoy love as you please.   

Balancing Ambition and Romance: Strategies for Career-Driven Singles

It’s a common theme among career-driven singles: They don’t have time or struggle to find time to date. Though they might go into the process with the best intentions, as relationships don’t work out due to the demands of a high-pressure career, many career-driven singles become jaded about their prospects of finding love. 

If this sounds like you, don’t throw in the towel because the dating pool hasn’t closed to you just yet. That said, you may need to re-examine your current priorities and make some tweaks along the way.  

As you probably already know, there are only so many hours in the day. However, just as in any budget, business, or personal, once you look more closely, you can usually find what you’re looking for, in this instance, more time to date. Consider the following strategies for balancing ambition and romance.   

Get a handle on how you manage your time.  

True story: Some people are just better at managing time than others. Often, this skill doesn’t correlate with how successful a person is career-wise. People simply work differently. Some are more creative in the mornings, while others have those creative bursts late at night. There’s no right or wrong way to be. However, what is important to understand is how and when you work and how and when you play.  

As a career-minded individual, especially someone who prioritizes their career, it may not occur to you to physically schedule those blocks when you intend to and normally work on a calendar. But doing so can help you visualize the times when you are truly unavailable to date and when you may be able to find some free time you can dedicate to dating specifically. 

Dedicate time to dating.  

Just as you expect to work during certain times of the day and how you (now if you haven’t been doing so) schedule time on your calendar to go to the gym, the doctor, or to happy hour, it’s important to do the same for dating. Keep in mind that this time does not have to be devoted to going out on actual dates.  

If you don’t have a date scheduled, you can still use the time to propel your dating life by checking into any online dating sites you’ve been utilizing, attending a singles event, or going to an organized activity such as a running club or pickleball clinic where you could meet other singles.  

Given your busy work schedule, thinking creatively about when dates can occur will be a game-changer. Not all dates must happen after the work day ends. Depending on your hours, you may be able to schedule a morning workout session for two and visit the juice bar afterward, a mid-morning shared run, a coffee break date, or a lunch date.   

Prioritize quality over quantity.  

Since your time is limited, you will need to be judicious. The best way to accomplish this goal is to prioritize quality over quantity.  

How best to do that? Vet your matches. Get to know people first by exchanging texts and emails, then speaking on the phone or over video chat. If you don’t like what you read, hear, or see, don’t be afraid to end your interaction.  

If you do decide to meet in person for a first date, limit the date to a period of not more than one hour. As mentioned earlier, your date can do double duty by being a part of your normal workout, coffee break, or lunchtime. Happy hours can be fun, too, as long as they don’t slide into dinner for a first date.  

One caveat: If your date is serving two functions, be sure to make the person you’re meeting the priority, giving them your full attention because (a) it’s polite, and (b) you don’t want to waste your time or theirs. You also want to use the time to get to know your date better. Remember, early dates are fact-finding missions.  

Be open about your career with potential partners up front. 

If your career is important to you and you envision it taking priority in your life for the foreseeable future, let your date know that. Be honest about your work schedule and your lifestyle around it. That way, if you’re not what they’re looking for, they have the information they need. The idea is to be compatible with the people you become involved with, compatibility having numerous components, including career.  

Consider ways to be more flexible and make changes to accommodate your love life.  

It’s important to recognize ways in which you might be too rigid in your life and make changes accordingly. If you’ve been finding that no matter what you do, it’s still impossible to find time to date or that any time a relationship gets going, it goes up in smoke because of your work schedule, it is time to take a step back and evaluable what you can and are willing to change. That could involve making a change in your career, or it could mean putting off dating until you can figure out a way to make both livable situations for you.  

Priorities, like people, change over time. That's why checking in with yourself about what your priorities are might be the most strategic investment you could make in your dating life right now. Time and the inclination to date will follow.  

Relationships Rewired: Dating Advice for Neurodiverse Individuals

Neurodiverse, or neurodivergent, is a term that has come into the mainstream recently, but its meaning is nothing anyone who has lived in the world doesn’t know: Not everyone’s mind works similarly.  

According to the Cleveland Clinic, the word neurodivergent “is a nonmedical term that describes people whose brains develop or work differently for some reason.” The reason, according to the Cleveland Clinic, doesn’t have to be identified, either, meaning there might not be a medical explanation attached to it, though commonly neurodivergent is a word used in conjunction with those with autism spectrum disorder (ASD).  

Nonetheless, the Clinic goes on to explain in its definition that a neurodiverse individual “has different strengths and struggles from people whose brains develop or work more typically.” These struggles, which are often misunderstood, can pose challenges in the area of relationships, including the ease with which neurodivergent people can find and engage in romantic relationships.  

Fortunately, there has been more attention on neurodivergent singles looking for love, including the introduction of the 2022 Netflix series “Love on the Spectrum,” which follows several neurodivergent participants in their quest for love. As the series opens, it’s easy to see that the wants of the individuals in the series are nothing new. They include finding companionship, finding love, and having their boundaries respected.  

Finding love is not always easy, period. It takes effort, persistence, and a strong constitution. Those who are neurodiverse can have added challenges they must adapt to in order to find more dating success. If you are a neurodivergent individual and single, consider the following dating tips. 

Know yourself. 

For anyone, but especially for someone who’s neurodivergent, it’s important to know yourself or get to know yourself better as someone who is single and dating. Knowing yourself can mean many things.  

First, it means understanding your list of wants, needs, red flags, and green flags. It also means understanding where you will feel the most comfortable on a date so you can be your best self. Is that outdoors? Is it at a time in a restaurant where there will be fewer people? Is it in a setting with dim lighting?  

The point is to evaluate what may trigger you on a date and do your best to put yourself into situations when these triggers won’t be present. Once you understand these aspects of yourself, you must then … 

Be open about who you are, your desires, and your specific needs.  

Communication is the key to any interpersonal relationship, including romantic relationships. So, the sooner you learn to communicate effectively, the better off you will be. And by better off, it means having the wherewithal and information to be selective about the people you date because you have enough information to make informed choices.  

For example, if you express to a potential date or someone you have already started dating that you are uncomfortable around large crowds, yet they insist you are overreacting, not being truthful, or that with them, you can feel safe, you might want to reconsider accepting a date.  

The same can be said for having the courage to make suggestions that suit you even if no one has asked. It’s important to be your own advocate in any situation, including dating.  

Set and enforce your boundaries. 

Related to being open is the ability to establish and enforce the boundaries you set. This skill will be valuable if you are interacting with an individual who is not demonstrating that they respect you.  

It’s OK to push back and see how that person responds. However, if they are unwilling to respect what you are telling them, you have just gained valuable information about them and should take steps to move on.  

There are enough singles out there that you should never have to deal with someone who disrespects you. Yes, you can compromise, but only to the extent that doing so doesn’t mean you are compromising yourself.  

Seek compatible partners.  

As you become more discerning in your dating choices, you will begin actively seeking more compatible partners — partners who are kind, understanding, willing to compromise, and respectful. This criterion should be “musts” on your wish list for a new partner, much more so than a person’s physical attributes, and can begin as early as in your online dating profile.  

If you are having trouble deciding what characteristics of a potential partner are most important to you, consider making a list and ranking the characteristics in order of importance. That way, when you meet someone new, you can decide whether you are interested in getting to know them better.  

Focus on the positives. 

While it’s helpful to be open about neurodivergence’s challenges, it’s equally important to focus on its strengths and the positive effect it has on your life. To that end, celebrate your power, individuality, creativity, and empathy.  

When the time comes, guide your partner toward understanding how your neurodivergence can enhance and add depth to your connection. And that every relationship is as unique as the people in them.    

The Challenges and Opportunities of Dating in a Small Town

There are different schools of thought about whether dating in a small town will be a positive or negative experience. The answer is that it could be both.  

One key factor that can shape your dating experience in a small town is your mindset. Dating success is not just about the size of the dating pool but also how you perceive and approach the situation. In other words, your attitude can turn potential drawbacks into opportunities.  

That said, before calling the realtor to move to a small town or to move out of the one you are living in currently, you will want to make sure you understand what a small town can offer you (or lack) as someone single and looking for love. As you will discover below, there are benefits and detriments to living on either side of the picket fence.  

The dating pool will be smaller.  

Though having fewer people to cull from might not seem opportune, it actually can be. First, you will be less inclined to make quick decisions given there are fewer options to choose from. That doesn’t mean settling, but, instead, more carefully assessing whether a person could be worth meeting despite them not filling your wish list exactly.  

Second, with a smaller network often comes camaraderie. If a match isn’t right, someone else you know personally may be able to make an introduction. If you’re being neighborly, you should do the same for others.    

You will be more able to meet singles organically.  

It’s no secret that in today’s dating landscape people rely heavily on dating apps to meet other eligible singles. In a small town, dating apps may play second fiddle to community events or classes where those same singles might be present in real life.  

Smaller groups provide wonderful opportunities to get to know people organically. So sign up for that class at the local college, join a walking club, have dinner at popular restaurants in your town, go to the gym, and attend religious services and related events. 

People will know your business.  

Not many people like a busybody. However, the fact that more people may know your business because you live in a small town can help you in your search. If you are on your community’s radar as someone who’s available to date, you may have more people looking to play matchmaker. After all, most people like a good love story.  

Also, because more people will know what you’re up to, they may also know if the person you’re dating is up to no good. As much as people like a Hallmark movie ending, they will also not want to be responsible for putting you or seeing you in a situation where you can get hurt.  

Hopefully, if the match you made isn’t the right one for reasons that are not aboveboard, chances are that someone will pick up the phone and let you know, send word to you through the grapevine, or you’ll just overhear it. Gossip, like bad news, travels fast.  

You may be forced to expand your geographic search.  

If all else fails, or even if it doesn’t but you are finding the dating pool too limited, small-town living may push you to expand your geographic search. This is a good thing. Though you may have to make more of an effort to go on dates, perhaps by splitting the distance, opening your search further can expose you to individuals you wouldn’t ordinarily meet.  

A longer distance should also inspire you to get to know people better before setting up a date far away, given the time and cost involved. Long-distance relationships can have their upsides, including a slower start that enables you to make informed decisions.  

You will have an instant community when you do meet a match.  

One of the nicest aspects of living in a small town is the relationships you can build with the people who live there. Whether you meet your match in your small town or you meet someone elsewhere who eventually relocates to be with you, your community can provide a familial feeling to your partner as much as they do for you.  

Final thoughts about what it can be like to date in a small town … 

Small town, big city, or somewhere in between, there’s no perfect venue for dating. What ultimately will matter is the attitude you bring to dating and to your dates, one where you are willing to see the glass as half full rather than empty.  

If you go into dating with a mindset that you will never find anyone, guess what? You won’t. You could be in a room filled with singles, yet it won’t matter, and not because of them but because of you.  

So wherever you are, in the smallest of small towns or the largest of large cities, bring a smile, an open mind, and a willingness to expand or limit your search as your environment calls for. Once you see the options, they’re endless.   

Got Relationship Drama? Understanding Histrionic Personality Disorder

Do you ever wonder why, when you need your partner most, they seem to have an emotional outburst? Why, when you are or are about to be occupied with something or someone other than them, it’s time for your partner to unload on you about everything they perceive you’re not doing for or giving to them?  

Have you ever considered why your partner creates drama when it suits them, going from zero to 100 in about a second? How they give you no other choice than to direct your attention to them, despite what you need to do and how important it is?  

It turns out that there may be a more plausible explanation for the behavior besides the one you’ve always resorted to, which is them being an assh*le — the possibility they suffer from histrionic personality disorder. Below is a description of what it is and how you can manage a partner who’s exhibiting these types of behaviors. 

What is histrionic personality disorder? 

According to the Cleveland Clinic, “[h]istrionic personality disorder (HPD) is a mental health condition marked by unstable emotions, a distorted self-image, and an overwhelming desire to be noticed. People with HPD often behave dramatically or inappropriately to get attention.” 

Among personality disorders, HPD tends to be one of the more rare ones, with about 1% of the population having the condition. However, it may be more prevalent than that, as those with HPD often fail to seek professional help, leading to them going undiagnosed. 

What are some of the signs of histrionic personality disorder? 

There exist various indications of histrionic personality disorder, with the most common involving exaggerated, attention-seeking behavior, often manifested emotionally and sometimes sexually. The Cleveland Clinic describes a person with HPD as exhibiting some or all of the following behaviors: 

• They project a larger-than-life persona. 

• They consistently employ charm and flirtation. 

• They use physical appearance to attract attention, i.e., by wearing brightly colored or revealing attire. 

• They display erratic and superficial emotions. 

• They communicate with dramatic flair and assert strong opinions, often without substantial evidence or details to support their views. 

• They engage in inappropriate sexual behavior with numerous individuals. 

• They demonstrate susceptibility to manipulation, particularly by those they admire. 

• They demonstrate an excessive preoccupation with their physical appearance. 

• They feel undervalued or despondent when not the focal point of attention. 

• They crave instant gratification and become bored or frustrated quickly. 

• They persistently seek validation or approval from others. 

• They struggle to sustain relationships, often appearing insincere or superficial in their interactions. 

• They perceive their relationships as more intimate than they are. 

• They exhibit dramatic and highly emotive behavior, embarrassing those close to them in public. 

Under the DSM-5 criteria, a diagnosis of HPD would require an individual to display five or more of the following repeated patterns of behavior beginning in early adulthood:   

• They become uncomfortable when not the center of attention in social settings. 

• They act inappropriately flirtatious or suggestive around others. 

• They show shallow and rapidly changing emotions. 

• They often use their looks to get noticed. 

• They talk in a vague way without much detail. 

• They like to make a big show, exaggerating their emotions. 

• They are easily influenced by others or situations. 

• They think their relationships are closer than they actually are. 

As noted above, a clinical diagnosis is infrequent. However, that doesn’t make the effect of these behaviors on a romantic partner feel any less real. 

How does histrionic personality affect romantic relationships? 

At first, the mix of victim-like and seductive behavior typical of a person with HPD (or someone exhibiting these types of behaviors) may be alluring to a new romantic partner, especially one with an anxious-attachment relationship style. However, after some time, the behaviors that once created attraction can become the source of repulsion.  

Because individuals with histrionic personality disorder behave erratically, those who interact with them on a regular basis, such as a romantic partner, never know when they will face an outburst. The confusing behavior can cause distrust and fuel resentment.  

Is there a way to treat histrionic personality disorder? 

Psychotherapy is the best way to treat HPD or HPD-like symptoms, and the prognosis is good. Where there is related substance abuse, treatment can, however, become more complicated.  

Final thoughts … 

If you are in a relationship with someone exhibiting behaviors typical of histrionic personality disorder, it’s important to evaluate whether you want to continue based on the impact it’s having on your own mental health.  

A healthy relationship is a two-way street, and when one person controls the relationship due to their mental health issues, it can weigh heavily on the other person. If you find yourself in such a situation but want to remain devoted to your partner as they commit to and seek support from a mental health professional, it can help to find a source of similar support for yourself at the same time.  

Your quality of life does not have to come at the expense of anyone else’s, including your partner’s. So, if you decide to go your own way at some point, remember there are a lot more fish in the sea — and the potential for a relationship that flows smoothly without frequent waves of drama.  

The Importance of Establishing No Contact for Healing After a Breakup

Breakups are not always clean. Typically, the longer the time a couple spends together, the harder it will be to move forward alone. That said, even short relationships can be emotionally charged, making a breakup difficult for one or both of the individuals involved. It’s why, during these rough periods, people employ a healing strategy known as “no contact” to help them recover. 

No contact is a simple concept — in theory. Once the breakup happens, unexpected or not, the person implementing it must have zero contact with their now ex. That means no calls, texts, social media, letters, or showing up “coincidentally” to places where they know they will run into them. It also means not accepting these types of attempts at contact from their ex.  

Unfortunately, due to some people’s tenacity and even downright selfishness, staying away from an ex can become challenging, especially if the ex is hellbent on staying relevant. With this understanding, no contact is implemented for an initial 30 days.  

If no contact is broken before the first 30-day milestone is reached, meaning the person implementing it reaches out to their ex or responds to contact from their ex, the clock is reset to day one. The hope is that the person employing no contact will get further along in the process the next time. 

Sound drastic? Well, it is. But there’s a reason, actually a few of them, for why no contact is the gold standard of healing strategies and why, if you’re going through a breakup or can’t seem to get over one, you should consider using it, too.     

It creates emotional distance.  

Gaining perspective is critical when going through a breakup. However, you can’t have it when you are in contact with your ex and cycling through a range of emotions.  

In addition, you don’t want to hold out false hope, latching onto anything and everything your ex says that could cause you to feel there is any. Keeping your ex away can also hinder your ex from manipulating you to their advantage if that’s their intention. Remember the biblical verse: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23).  

It creates time and space to heal. 

With your ex out of your direct view, you can focus better on getting them out of your head and heart. This is the time when you can begin grieving the end of your relationship.

You can do this by working through all of your emotions and reconciling with yourself why the relationship had to end, either by your choice or theirs. Keep in mind that just because you ended the relationship doesn’t mean you won’t need to grieve it. Give yourself that grace. 

It sets clear boundaries.  

Establishing no contact sends a message to your ex and yourself, for that matter, that you mean business. It communicates you are committed to ending the relationship and that you are focused on your healing.  

It is important to note here that you should refrain from using no contact to reel your ex back in if they are no longer interested in the relationship or not giving you the attention you desire. This is manipulative and not the purpose of no contact, though you can find people who will say it works for getting an ex back and direct you to use it for this reason. Don’t. 

That said, there is always the possibility that your ex will realize what they lost if they broke up with you and you established a rule of no contact afterward. Should your ex come back, it’s imperative they do so in a strong way, stating what’s changed for them and that they are committed fully to the relationship and you.  

It wards against cycling back to your ex. 

One of the best ways to inhibit your healing is to cycle back to your ex, meaning you break up and get back together over and over again. Whether it’s because of you, them, or the two of you establishing this dynamic, it’s important to understand that reconciliation will only work if something in the relationship has fundamentally changed to make it sustainable.  

No contact gives you the foundation to evaluate any attempts at contact from your ex through a more critical lens. It will make you think twice about reaching out, holding you accountable for your actions.  

It fosters independence.  

The time during no contact is helpful for rediscovering who you are and what you like as an individual. Not as someone who is part of a couple where your partner’s interests could overpower yours, or yours took a backseat.  

When you are part of a couple, it can be easy to let go of some of the pastimes or interests you were involved in before the relationship. You may also have lost touch with some of your friends. This is natural, as there are only so many hours in the day. So redirect that time back to you, catering to your needs and wants first and what your life looks like now.  

It is necessary for closure.  

After a breakup, you may find yourself with questions for your ex, which they may or may not be able to answer. What you’re looking for is closure from them. 

Unfortunately, no amount of answers or conversations with your ex can provide the closure you’re seeking. If you go down this route, you will inevitably come back wanting more each time because you hold all the answers for your life, not them.  

Closure is not knowing everything about why the relationship ended. Instead, closure is the reconciliation you have with yourself regarding your willingness to let go of the relationship. This happens when you decide you are ready. 

It sets the stage for a fresh start.  

No contact sets the stage for a fresh start by clearing the stage. No, you won’t forget the experiences you had with your ex, good and bad. Nor will you forget the pain you felt when you parted ways, though it will lessen.  

As unpleasant as a breakup is, the experience of it is what is helping you to grow in ways you have only begun to realize, making you stronger and more prepared for the life you have in front of you. A life filled with opportunities for finding happiness again, including new love.   

Reconciling With an Ex: How to Keep the Past from Destroying Your Future Together

The road to a healthy, committed relationship is not always straight. It can take some twists and turns along the way to finally reach a place and time where the relationship fits both partners and their lives. In addition, getting to this point may have meant taking time apart from weeks, months, or years.  

During these periods, people often engage in exploration — of themselves and others. These periods of separation don’t usually have an end date, meaning there was likely a breakup with no stated intention to get back together one day. That means no one’s thinking about whether their current behavior would upset or anger their ex. After all, living a self-regulated life, living for someone else essentially, is not really living.  

That said, should a reconciliation occur, elements of the past, whether the former relationship or what transpired with others during the break, could creep into the rekindled relationship. “Friends” fans will all remember what happened when Ross and Rachel were on a break, including their respective interpretations of what was acceptable behavior and what wasn’t, and how Ross’s actions during said break frequently became a topic of conversation once they were back together.   

Though not real life, Ross and Rachel’s sometimes bumpy relationship illustrated how tricky it can be to reconcile after a breakup. But, as they demonstrated, as have so many around the world, including those who were married and then divorced, only to marry again years later, it is possible to come to a place of understanding and move forward as a couple. With this in mind, if you are considering reconciling with an ex, consider the following three pieces of advice for how to keep the past from destroying your future together.  

Discuss what will change in your relationship this time around.  

An important part of reconciliation is not falling into old patterns, the ones that led you to where you are now. For a reconciliation between two romantic partners to work, something has to have changed for one or both partners.  

That could mean many different things: maturity, becoming financially stable, getting sober, or recognizing that the breakup was a mistake, among others. Whatever the explanation, it must be out in the open, and there must be a commitment to change moving forward.  

Without this commitment, the same issues that plagued the relationship previously will emerge, potentially along with new issues, until you find yourself (a) in an untenable relationship and (b) facing another breakup. That is not a good use of either your or your partner’s time, not to mention it’s emotionally grueling.     

Work through any potentially upsetting events that took place during your time apart.  

Not every person will feel great learning what their partner did while they were apart. Ross, for example, slept with someone else after he and Rachel had a fight, causing a big hiccup in Rachel’s willingness to reconcile. This situation could have easily been avoided had there been a clear expression and agreement about whether they were on a break and what they could do during it. The lesson: If you are breaking up, make sure there’s an understanding of what that will entail.   

Agreement or not, any potentially upsetting events that took place while apart should be cause for discussion as part of the reconciliation. To a point. You don’t need to disclose every interaction you had.

However, if there’s some way that this past will present a problem, such as a disgruntled ex continuing to come around or deciding to keep a post-breakup romantic interest in the mix as a friend, you need to work it out in a way that will honor your new commitment. If not, there will always be an elephant in the room, one that will make itself known the moment there’s tension between you.  

Agree to leave the past in the past once you’ve hashed it through.  

Once you and your partner have agreed on the terms of your new relationship, leave the past in the past. Whatever you each did and with whom should not be up for debate or critique by your partner. You were not together during that time; therefore, these events should have no bearing on who you are now as a couple.  

Truth be told, moving forward after certain past events can be difficult for many people. If you are one of those people, i.e., someone who has difficulty trusting or just can’t get past the ick factor knowing what your partner has been doing while you were apart, reconciliation may not be the right move for you, despite how much you may love and care for your partner.  

Leaving the past in the past could mean leaving your partner there, too. In any reconciliation, you must feel comfortable in a way that will enable you to take elements of your shared history and build upon them. No one knows what the future holds, except perhaps that there won’t be one if you can’t let go of a past that’s holding you back.    

When Your Ex Moves On With Someone Else, and Why It Bothers You

Breakups are hard, but eventually, you survive them and move on. You grieve, work on yourself, learn lessons, and get out there again in the hopes of finding something — someone — special to enhance your life. Not a replacement for the person who’s gone but someone to fill the space they left behind them. 

You understand these goals. They’re self-serving, and this is acceptable. They fall under the guise of self-care, that catch-all phrase ubiquitous in every relationship conversation you’ve had or article you’ve read since your split, maybe before as you contemplated it. The focus is internal, where it should be, and where those who advise healing inform you it must be.  

But often, there’s a secret side of your breakup journey, one that revolves around the “them,” the person who left, instead of the you, the healing you. And, unfortunately, the them focus, the outward focus, is one that can chip away at your heart when you realize that not only is your relationship done, over for anywhere from a day to decades, but your once-person has moved on, too, doing all the self-care stuff you have done and are doing too — leading them to someone new. 

It doesn’t always matter if you’re in another relationship as they are, although that can make their moving on somewhat more palatable. In spite of it, their being with someone else still irks you, no matter how full your life is. You recognize what you’re doing, how you’re hurting yourself and perhaps your current relationship, and know you should stop but can’t — or don’t one hundred percent want to. The question is why. 

You aren’t happy in your existing relationship.  

That you’re not happy in your current relationship is the most obvious explanation for why you’re focusing on an ex and what an ex is up to. People who are happy and generally satisfied with their existing relationship don’t become fixated elsewhere.

Yes, people get curious from time to time, leading them to check out a past love on social media to see what they’re up to. But this interest is often fleeting, returning them to the present day without much more than a second thought.  

You are experiencing idle curiosity or boredom. 

Curiosity and episodes of boredom are not usually cause for concern or a threat to an existing relationship. However, when thoughts of an ex begin to pervade your mind more frequently, it’s a sign to consider what your ex represents in your life today. Are they masking some other past trauma or issue you need to face but have been avoiding?

You’ve fallen prey to comparing yourself to others.  

Never before has it been easier to compare yourself to others. With a few internet searches, you can create a fiction around your partner's life, a life you truly know nothing about.  

As you can probably attest, pictures of your relationship with your ex don’t tell a complete story. They’re merely one-dimensional snapshots in time. That said, seeing pictures of your ex with someone else can hurt, which may be the payoff you’re looking for. Related to this … 

You’re addicted to relationship pain.  

Past trauma and conditioning can be to blame for actively seeking out relationship pain. Do you only feel comfortable or alive when you’re feeling rejected, unwanted, or unloved? What in your past has caused you to feel this way? 

As you answer these questions, consider your attachment style in relationships. Particularly if you exhibit signs of anxious attachment, you may be hyper-focused on an ex and what they’re up to because you are addicted to the pain it causes you. If this is the case, consider seeking a mental health professional for guidance who can also offer tips on behavioral modification to break the cycle.  

You never felt closure in your last relationship. 

If your partner broke up with you unexpectedly or ghosted you, you may feel like you have unfinished business. This can cause you to become fixated on the what-ifs, even if you’re not reaching out for answers. Creating answers to the what-ifs for yourself, especially if the answers are hurtful to you (e.g., I wasn’t smart enough, attractive enough, interesting enough), can be harmful to your current environment and self-esteem.  

The good news is you don’t need your ex to change the narrative. You can do it yourself by giving yourself the closure they never did: It wasn’t meant to be, not because of you but because of your ex.  

You have lingering regret over the relationship.  

Few people walk around with no regrets about something they said or did in their lives or didn’t say or do.  

This may be your story. However, reaching out to an ex, especially if they have moved on with someone else, can expose you to more pain. Your ex may not be happy to hear from you or may ignore you altogether.  Their response will depend on their situation, thoughts about your relationship, your breakup, and whether enough time has passed for them to want or feel comfortable talking to you.

So, before making such a bold move, consider how the worst-case scenario will make you feel. Then, decide whether the past should remain in the past and your head rerouted to the here and now with the opportunity to make lasting memories with someone new.  

How to Cope With an Unexpected Breakup

You’re dating someone you like. You enjoy their company, have lots in common, love them (or think you can love them), and see a future together. Then, boom! Seemingly out of nowhere, they pull the plug on the relationship. On you.  

You put the phone down or stare at them dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. But there are a few things you can do — and also should not do — if you find yourself in this situation after three weeks, three months, or three years of dating. 

Don’t overreact. 

It’s natural to feel like you’ve been punched in the stomach, angry, or upset. All of these feelings may make you want to react in a way you will regret after, so the best response is to remain composed, even if you feel like you’re about to explode. Instead, remove yourself from the situation by walking away (into another room if you live together) or by ending the conversation cordially and hanging up the phone.  

Depending on the length of the relationship, you may want to simply wish them well. If the relationship necessitates follow-up discussions, such as moving out of a shared residence or exchanging personal items, suggest that you table any discussions about details for a later date. Then, take your own advice and don’t engage further until then, until you’ve had time to collect yourself.   

Take time to process the breakup. 

The initial time after an unexpected breakup is important for you to compose yourself enough that you will be able to deal with your ex civilly and with a clear head. You may need to make decisions, and you want to make ones that are well thought out. If the relationship was relatively short, and there would be no reason to interact with them again, cut ties altogether.  

Go ‘no contact’ as soon as possible.  

As soon as you can, go ‘no contact,’ meaning end all interactions with your ex. Do this for a minimum of 30 days to start.  

Your ex has broken up with you, which means they now need to live without you. And you need to learn how to live without them so you can move on, more importantly.  

If your ex finds they cannot stay away from you, they need to come back in a meaningful way, explaining why they broke up with you and why it will never happen again due to changes they have made in their life. Most times, this isn’t how their contacting you happens.  

You may find that once you go no contact, your ex will continue to contact you for any and every reason under the sun — to say hi, to tell you they heard your favorite song, that they ran into your old friend from kindergarten, or to wish you the dreaded happy birthday.  

But unless they come back in the way described earlier, in a way that shows they’re regretful and have changed, their reasons for returning usually rest on their needing you to help them get over their own feelings of loneliness or heartbreak. Yes, your ex may feel heartbreak, especially if they like or love you, but know as a couple that you aren’t meant to be together. Even so, it’s not your job to help them get over you. Remember, they dumped you. 

That said, the attempts at contact will be hard to resist, especially if they are good at stringing you along with the hope of reconciliation they dangle in your face like a carrot, and you may succumb more than once to their attempts at getting you to talk to them. But when you do, you will typically find your ex does not mean business, that they’re just making sure you’re still there should they need you. This makes you a crutch. It also makes it hard, if not impossible, for you to move forward.  

But don’t beat yourself up for falling for their antics. Instead, reset that 30-day clock, starting no contact all over again, hopefully getting further along the next time. Once you get to 30 days, that doesn’t mean you stop no contact and talk to your ex. It just means you’ve reached a milestone in your healing, so congratulate yourself and keep going on without them in your life. 

One day, out of nowhere, whether weeks, months or even years later, your ex may stop contacting you. They will have moved on, perhaps with someone else. If you continue to let them into your life, though, when finally this day comes, you will not have moved on, at least in your head, and the news will be hard for you to deal with. Pro tip: Don’t do this to yourself. If you do, you could be mourning your breakup years after it happened.     

The best course of action is to take no contact seriously. Don’t pick up the phone. Don’t answer your ex’s texts. Don’t say thank you when they wish you a happy birthday. Don’t react to messages from them they pass on to you through a friend and don’t stay connected with them on social media. Most of all, don’t make excuses. Contact is contact.  

Live your best life.  

Immediately following the breakup, find yourself some support. This can come from numerous sources, including mental health professionals, friends, family, clergy, and pets.  

Next, engage in self-care. Take time to mourn the breakup, but not too long. You can grieve but do so while you’re still engaging with the world, even if it’s by taking small steps into the world. The point is to live the life you envision for yourself by doing what you want to do and what feel comfortable with. This could mean any number of things: going out with old friends, diving into work or school, and taking a vacation. It can also mean engaging in something new, such as diving into a hobby you’ve had your eye on, making positive lifestyle changes, and, when you’re ready, dating again.  

Though you probably won’t feel like meeting someone else right away, after processing the breakup thoroughly and feeling confident that you’re over the relationship, you will one day wake up open to finding companionship, friendship, and love elsewhere. Except that now you’ll be armed with all the lessons you’ve learned from your past relationship, making you stronger, more confident, and even more appealing than you were before.  

Committed to Comfort: Why People Stay in Safe But Lackluster Relationships

Making a safe relationship choice often implies staying with a familiar and predictable partner, even when there is an opportunity to find happiness with someone new. Despite wondering who else is out there, people often choose to stay with a partner because they share similar values, backgrounds, or lifestyles and worry they might not find such a combination again.  

Given how comfortable the relationship feels and the minimal effort it requires to maintain, these individuals end up talking themselves into staying put even though they’re not happy. The problem is they’re not unhappy either.   

That said, the reasons for staying in a lackluster relationship usually run deeper than simply not wanting to expend the effort required to find a new one. In other words, laziness is a lazy answer. Below are some other explanations for why some people don’t try to find a partner who is compatible but also makes their heart skip a beat. 

Social Pressure  

Societal norms and expectations can shape relationship choices. People can feel pressure to conform to traditional partnership ideals, such as marrying someone of a similar socioeconomic status or cultural background, even if it means sacrificing relationship quality.  

Someone gay or bisexual, for example, may choose to stay with someone of the opposite sex because they are worried about what their family, friends, or community would say if they learned the truth about them. The result can mean living a lie. 

Cultural and Religious Beliefs  

Cultural and religious influences are cousins of social pressure; both can likewise shape perceptions of what constitutes an “acceptable” relationship. Many cultures and religions emphasize the importance of maintaining tradition. So, in the interest of keeping the peace among their relatives and communities, some individuals make safe choices. 

Long-Term Goals  

Individuals who prioritize long-term goals such as career advancement or financial stability may choose safe relationships that speak to these objectives. They may view a stable partnership as a means to an end and, therefore, prioritize compatibility and reliability over chemistry, maybe even love. 

Fear 

No one likes to go through a breakup, let alone a series of them. As a result, people may choose to stay in a safe relationship to avoid experiencing more pain and disappointment. Stability and security reign over passion and love because of the potential for heartbreak while in search of it. 

Aversion to Risk 

Many people are naturally risk-averse; they tend to avoid uncertainty at all costs and prefer to minimize the potential for risk in all areas of their lives, including relationships. These individuals gravitate toward safer, less volatile partnerships to compensate. 

Past Trauma  

Previous experiences with infidelity, abuse, abandonment, and any other instance of trauma can affect one’s willingness to take risks in relationships. It can be challenging to open up and be vulnerable again after being hurt deeply. As a result, safer, more guarded connections become a means of self-protection and, thus, the status quo. 

Low Self-Esteem  

People with low self-esteem may settle for safe relationships because they believe they don’t deserve better or fear being alone. Low self-esteem can come from many origins: feeling unattractive, feeling socially awkward, and past experiences, including trauma. Lacking confidence in their ability to not only attract someone new but also to successfully maintain a more fulfilling partnership, they settle for the relationship they perceive as safe and stable, though not altogether gratifying. 

The Passage of Time 

It’s not logical, but it happens anyway: People believe that because of the time they’ve already invested in their relationship, they should try harder than they might otherwise to make what’s not working work. This is throwing good money after bad, and since time is money, staying in a relationship that is just meh can mean wasting precious months, years, or perhaps decades.  

Confusion About Comfort vs. Settling  

Healthy relationships, where people love, are in love with, and like their partners, are the pot at the end of a rainbow. It’s this type of relationship that most singles seeking commitment claim they want. However, it can be elusive, meaning it can take years and many failed attempts to find. So, although people may covet this holistic type of love, they don’t always act on their desire to get it.  

But that’s the purpose of dating — to experiment, to figure out what the optimal relationship looks like, which should also be based on personal preferences. What’s perhaps most unfortunate is that a person in a lackluster relationship who wants out but sticks around anyway because of any of the reasons above might be missing out on true happiness. The same can be true of their current partner, who also ends up suffering because they don’t have someone who’s fully invested. 

Shelby, played by Julia Roberts in the 1990 film “Steel Magnolias,” best encapsulated the penalty of settling when she said, “I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special.”  

What about you? 

Do You Want a Companion or a Lover? Why Your Answer Matters

So often, we talk about compatibility when looking for a mate. Compatibility can have many meanings — shared values, a shared lifestyle, and a thirst to play as much pickleball as possible, to name just a few.  

But what about how much sex we want or are comfortable having? Often overlooked, differences in sexual desire can play into compatibility as much as a desire to travel the world in retirement can. So what’s a guy or gal to do after 50, when sexual dysfunction for both men and women changes the sexual landscape from what it once was? Read on. 

Ask yourself what you want in a romantic relationship.  

For some, sex isn’t a priority. For others, having a steamy sex life is non-negotiable. Then there are those looking for sexual frequency more along what could be described as average.  

In a survey conducted by the AARP, 30% of respondents over 40 (three-quarters of them were actually over 50) reported they had sex weekly, while 27% said they had sex once a month. Forty percent said they hadn’t had sex in the past six months. What frequency of sex would keep you happy?  

Talk to your partner or prospective partner. 

Don’t discount the importance of sexual satisfaction. You don’t have to settle, though it seems many middle-aged people are: Less than half of the respondents in the AARP survey reported that they were satisfied with their sex lives. Though it is unclear how the survey respondents got to where they are, which is feeling unsatisfied, it does underscore the importance of engaging in open communication about sex.  

Conversations about sex shouldn’t start once there’s an issue. Instead, conversations about sexual preferences should begin early in a relationship when sex shows up on the menu. Many people will, in one way or another, begin expressing their sexual preferences as early as in their dating profiles. It’s not always an overt reference to sex either, but if you read between the lines, you can often tell where a person’s sexual interests lie.  

That said, if you don’t know where the person you’re dating puts sex on their list of needs and wants, raise the topic. Talking about sex can ensure you and your partner have the same goals for bedroom activities, as well as enabling you to give each other the sexual experience you are looking for.  

Stop judging yourself. 

It can be difficult, especially if you are around friends whose sexual experiences and desires differ from yours, not to judge yourself for your preferences. But do your best not to. 

Sex, the quality and frequency of it, not only can vary throughout your lifetime, but both can also vary based on the partner you’re having sex with. That includes your chemistry together, along with your partner’s libido, ability, and eagerness to please you.   

See a medical professional. 

Everyone’s bodies change with age. From menopause to the medications you’re on and many factors in between, your sex life can suffer. The question is, do you need to suffer in silence? 

The answer is no. Sometimes, you can be just a doctor’s visit away from solving your bedroom issues. You could have an undiagnosed medical issue, for example, or be someone who can benefit from the aid of medications such as estrogen for women or a sexual enhancement drug, such as Viagra or Cialis, for men. 

Don’t forget about what’s going on upstairs. In your head, that is. The mind is inextricably linked to the body, so if you’re dealing with any issues, such as past trauma or the loss of a spouse, it can affect your sexual behavior in a marked way. The idea is to become the lead investigator in your own sexual mystery so you can lead the life you envision. In other words, do it for you. 

Live in the present.  

One positive about the past is that it is behind you, meaning you can reinvent yourself at any time, at any phase of life. If your sex life was meh when you were younger, there’s no rule that says it has to be meh now.

If you never experimented sexually, now could be your time to explore your fantasies. If you want to take sex slower than you have ever before, you have that freedom. Or the freedom not to have sex at all.   

The point is that it’s your body and your life, and you can do with it as you please. That includes finding someone who loves you for all that you are — body and mind. The only catch is that you have to be honest with your partner. And yourself.    

11 Health Benefits of Love and How You Can Reap Them

When you date, the idea is to do everything possible to improve the odds. This begins by presenting yourself in the best possible light, the same way you would if you were looking for a new job.  

That being said, as much as you can refine the process of finding love by writing an attention-grabbing online dating profile, dating with intention, and listening to a seasoned pro, such as a matchmaker, you still can’t control the result. You can do everything “correctly,” and a particular relationship may still not work out because of circumstances out of your control.  

This is life. People have emotional baggage, kids to worry about, exes lurking in the shadows, money woes, and health challenges, sometimes serious ones like I did when I was a wee 19-year-old and diagnosed with cancer.  

But fighting cancer didn’t keep me down. Instead, it made me realize that all of us can only control so much in our lives.  

Love is the same way. We can only prepare and orchestrate so much, which means the best approach to finding love is not to try and control the process but, instead, lean into it. How? By taking those misses in stride, learning from them, pivoting, moving forward, and, most of all, believing you can and will find somebody to love and to love you. 

I believed I could beat cancer and find love, and I did just that.  

I am still with my husband, Mike. We have been married for more than two decades now and share three amazing kids: two daughters who are in their twenties and a teenage son. We are also proud parents to our dog, Luna. Importantly, I have remained cancer-free all of this time.  

It’s not a coincidence; love is intrinsically tied to our health. Don’t believe me? I’ll let the research speak for itself. Below are 11 benefits of love.    

1. Enhanced heart health: Research indicates that loving relationships can have a positive impact on cardiovascular health by lowering blood pressure, consequently reducing the risk of heart disease. 

2. Lower risk of substance abuse: Evidence suggests that marriage may contribute to a decrease in excessive drinking and substance abuse. 

3. Improved mental health: Engaging in a loving relationship can reduce the risk of developing depression and anxiety by offering emotional stability and support during challenging periods. 

4. Stronger immunity: Individuals in loving relationships often experience better immune function. 

5. Faster healing: Stronger immunity leads to quicker recovery from illness or injury. 

6. Fewer doctor visits and shorter hospital stays: Married individuals tend to visit the doctor less frequently and have shorter hospital stays. 

7. Pain reduction: Love and physical touch, typical of healthy relationships, release endorphins, our natural painkillers, providing comfort and alleviating physical and emotional pain. 

8. Healthier lifestyle choices: Partners can influence each other’s habits positively. In a loving relationship, there is a greater likelihood of making healthier lifestyle choices, including engaging in regular, low-impact exercise, eating a well-balanced diet, and avoiding risky behaviors. 

9. Longer life: Research suggests that individuals in happy and loving relationships, supported emotionally and outwardly by their partners, tend to live longer. 

10. Happiness: Love derived from a healthy relationship fosters happiness. Positive experiences often lead to a desire for more, creating a sense of purpose and excitement as individuals envision their future with a loving partner, releasing hormones that contribute to overall good health in the process. 

11. Reduced stress: Numerous studies show that love and emotional support have the potential to diminish stress levels. Positive relationships act as a protective barrier against the adverse effects of stress, resulting in decreased cortisol levels and an overall enhancement of well-being. 

The Power of a Healthy Attitude 

Though the health benefits of love are clear, the precursor to finding love remains a healthy mindset. It was the moment, even in the face of a grim cancer diagnosis, when I believed I could and would find love that my circumstances changed. I could’ve been cynical, and my outcome could’ve been very different.  

Hey, we all have it in us. Some more than others. None of us, in fact, are immune to being cynical at one time or another. The important thing is we realize, sooner than later, that we’re behaving this way, then check ourselves and ask why. 

Once you stop for a moment to think, you’ll likely find there’s a good reason for your cynical behavior and that it has little to do with what you’re being cynical about. Instead, being a cynic is usually more about the bigger picture, which is your attitude. In other words, if you’re being overly cynical, your attitude is probably less than optimal.  

Having a bad attitude when you’re dating will pretty much ensure that you’ll never find someone you don’t find fault with, let alone like. So I ask you: How’s your attitude? 

• Do you find dating a chore, from having to look through endless dating profiles to getting dressed to meet someone new?  

• Are you often lamenting that there’s no one out there worth meeting and everyone you meet is cheap, boring, self-centered, or, you guessed it, a cynic. 

If this sounds like you, your attitude can probably use some work. That’s not to say people aren’t worthy of being passed by or aren’t cheap, boring, self-centered, or cynical themselves. There are those who most definitely are. But if you go into dating thinking negatively, those are precisely the people you’ll attract.  

That’s because negative people attract other negative people. And even if these people aren’t overtly cynics (sometimes it takes a little while to come out), your negativity can certainly contribute to bringing out the worst in others, creating a self-fulling prophecy — everyone you date will actually be a cynic. 

The sad fact is that when you have a bad attitude, chances are you’re the one who’s behaving like a cynic. Cynics tend not to be very happy people. They also tend to wind up alone. And when they do find a relationship, those relationships tend to be unfulfilling.  

How to Date Intentionally and Find Success 

To be a successful dater requires going in with a positive attitude. By positive attitude, I mean the following: 

• Living in the moment, 

• looking for the best in others, 

• keeping an open mind, 

• behaving respectfully, and 

• seeing every dating experience as an opportunity to learn, whether new information about someone else or, more importantly, about yourself. 

Not every dating encounter will lead to the relationship you want. But to date successfully, you do need to exercise your dating muscles — your ability to be conversational, engaging, courteous, and, yes, positive, even when the encounter doesn’t go as you hoped, planned, or well. It takes practice.  

Final thoughts … 

With this in mind, take a few moments to reflect on what you’re bringing to the proverbial table when you go out on a date. Or, if you’re not even getting that far, to the table, that is, what you’re bringing to your online dating profiles, texts, emails, and phone conversations. Much of it stems from attitude. 

As the saying goes, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The same goes for eligible single men and women. You know, the ones looking for someone who’s nice, kind, intelligent, and funny. Like you. The real you. 

An earlier version of this article appeared in the Nob Hill Gazette on February, 14, 2024.