So often, we talk about compatibility when looking for a mate. Compatibility can have many meanings — shared values, a shared lifestyle, and a thirst to play as much pickleball as possible, to name just a few.
But what about how much sex we want or are comfortable having? Often overlooked, differences in sexual desire can play into compatibility as much as a desire to travel the world in retirement can. So what’s a guy or gal to do after 50, when sexual dysfunction for both men and women changes the sexual landscape from what it once was? Read on.
Ask yourself what you want in a romantic relationship.
For some, sex isn’t a priority. For others, having a steamy sex life is non-negotiable. Then there are those looking for sexual frequency more along what could be described as average.
In a survey conducted by the AARP, 30% of respondents over 40 (three-quarters of them were actually over 50) reported they had sex weekly, while 27% said they had sex once a month. Forty percent said they hadn’t had sex in the past six months. What frequency of sex would keep you happy?
Talk to your partner or prospective partner.
Don’t discount the importance of sexual satisfaction. You don’t have to settle, though it seems many middle-aged people are: Less than half of the respondents in the AARP survey reported that they were satisfied with their sex lives. Though it is unclear how the survey respondents got to where they are, which is feeling unsatisfied, it does underscore the importance of engaging in open communication about sex.
Conversations about sex shouldn’t start once there’s an issue. Instead, conversations about sexual preferences should begin early in a relationship when sex shows up on the menu. Many people will, in one way or another, begin expressing their sexual preferences as early as in their dating profiles. It’s not always an overt reference to sex either, but if you read between the lines, you can often tell where a person’s sexual interests lie.
That said, if you don’t know where the person you’re dating puts sex on their list of needs and wants, raise the topic. Talking about sex can ensure you and your partner have the same goals for bedroom activities, as well as enabling you to give each other the sexual experience you are looking for.
Stop judging yourself.
It can be difficult, especially if you are around friends whose sexual experiences and desires differ from yours, not to judge yourself for your preferences. But do your best not to.
Sex, the quality and frequency of it, not only can vary throughout your lifetime, but both can also vary based on the partner you’re having sex with. That includes your chemistry together, along with your partner’s libido, ability, and eagerness to please you.
See a medical professional.
Everyone’s bodies change with age. From menopause to the medications you’re on and many factors in between, your sex life can suffer. The question is, do you need to suffer in silence?
The answer is no. Sometimes, you can be just a doctor’s visit away from solving your bedroom issues. You could have an undiagnosed medical issue, for example, or be someone who can benefit from the aid of medications such as estrogen for women or a sexual enhancement drug, such as Viagra or Cialis, for men.
Don’t forget about what’s going on upstairs. In your head, that is. The mind is inextricably linked to the body, so if you’re dealing with any issues, such as past trauma or the loss of a spouse, it can affect your sexual behavior in a marked way. The idea is to become the lead investigator in your own sexual mystery so you can lead the life you envision. In other words, do it for you.
Live in the present.
One positive about the past is that it is behind you, meaning you can reinvent yourself at any time, at any phase of life. If your sex life was meh when you were younger, there’s no rule that says it has to be meh now.
If you never experimented sexually, now could be your time to explore your fantasies. If you want to take sex slower than you have ever before, you have that freedom. Or the freedom not to have sex at all.
The point is that it’s your body and your life, and you can do with it as you please. That includes finding someone who loves you for all that you are — body and mind. The only catch is that you have to be honest with your partner. And yourself.