Peruse any single women’s Facebook groups, such as “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” or talk to any woman who’s dating someone they like, and you’ll hear an age-old question that never seems to get old: “How long should I wait for a man to commit?”
The answers tend to vary, and so do the stories, replete with women who waited too long and those who put on the heat too soon, scaring the guy away. It can all get confusing.
While there’s no secret formula for how long a woman should wait for a man to commit, a few rules of thumb can help you make this decision. They follow.
Understand your timeline.
Everyone has their own timeline for doing things, including staying in a relationship. Your timeline for waiting for a man to commit can depend on various factors: your comfort level, your biological clock, and your career goals, to name just a few. Once you understand the reasons underlying your timeline, having difficult conversations and making decisions based on them should be easier.
Communicate your intentions for dating and your timeline early.
When you understand your timeline, it’s important to also let the people you date know about it. Communicating your intentions for dating and your timeline related to it can prevent you from dating people who don’t share your relationship goals.
How and when you communicate this information to romantic prospects can vary. If you use dating apps, it can be as early as your dating profile. For example, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, say so. The same for marriage. The old adage holds true: If you don’t ask, you don’t get. If you meet someone out in the world — at a party, at the gym, or through a friend — communicate your general dating objectives fairly early on in your dealings with one another.
Though you don’t want to discuss your desire to get pregnant within a year of dating on a first date, for example, by a few dates in, you should be having conversations clarifying that you both want the same outcome with at least someone, even if it isn’t you. If you don’t want marriage but still want a committed relationship, be specific and say so. A commitment does not necessarily equal marriage. The more clear you are from the beginning, the more information you can gather.
When a guy tells you what he wants (or doesn’t), believe him.
This starts on the dating profile, ladies. When a guy says he’s not looking for anything serious, don’t go into your interactions thinking you will be the one to change his mind. Most of the time, you won’t be that person.
Of course, we all know of a girl who went from a friend with benefits to a wife, but that girl is the exception, not the rule. Think you will be that girl, and you will more likely have set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.
Keep an eye on how your relationship is progressing.
It’s a good idea to take a step back every now and then to see how your relationship is progressing. In a healthy relationship, you should notice a steady deepening of your emotional bond and trust for one another and an increase in the frequency of conversations you have about your future as a couple. If you’re both opening up more, building trust, and making plans together, it’s a good sign that the relationship is developing in the way you want.
If you have witnessed instances of micro-cheating or you suspect the person you’re dating is cheating (or has cheated), they are often disrespectful, or they do anything else that doesn’t feel good, then it’s time to reassess whether you would want this man to commit to you. Be careful of what you wish for. If they set this stage for you already, you will continue to be dissatisfied and unhappy.
Listen to those around you.
If the people around you — your friends, family, colleagues, even strangers on the street who witness an unhealthy act or verbal exchange — make negative comments about how the person you’re dating treats you or about your relationship in general, take heed. It’s difficult for many people to speak up about sensitive issues like these, and if they are doing so, it’s likely because they’re concerned and they care about you.
Sometimes, there is an outlier, a friend who doesn’t like the person you’re dating. If it’s just one, consider that person’s motivation for giving feedback, such as jealousy or maybe a personality clash. But also consider that they may have seen or heard something different from everyone else. The point is to be open to the information others give you about your relationship and then decide if there is any merit to it.
Don’t settle.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve while waiting for a man you’re dating to commit. Your happiness shouldn’t be tied solely to someone else’s decisions about you. Instead, focus on your life and dreams so that you are fulfilled and content, regardless of your relationship status.
You should never feel you have to sacrifice your well-being and personal goals to maintain your relationship. You deserve a man who is ready to meet your standards and wants to because he only wants you.