“Is this actually happening,” you ask yourself in disbelief. “Who does this person think they are?”
My guess is that lots of words come to mind, and not many of them are kind.
Whatever you think, though, doesn’t really matter; the situation they’re creating needs to be addressed. The question is how.
Decide if the behavior is flirty or friendly.
Yes, there’s a fine line between the two. The lens you see the world, shaped by your life experiences, including past betrayals, and your knowledge of the person doing the flirting (if you know them), very much determines where that line lies. So, before jumping to conclusions, consider the situation in these terms. If you’re still confident the person was flirting, move on to the next step, which is to …
Assess your significant other’s response to the flirting.
There are ways to handle inappropriate attention from someone outside your relationship and ways not to. If your partner was clearly enjoying the attention, encouraging it, or flirting back, gently try to steer the conversation elsewhere.
If that doesn’t work, in a non-obvious way, urge your significant other to leave this person’s presence with you. Whatever you do, don’t cause a scene; you will only look petty and insecure. Also, you have no idea how your partner or this other person will behave, and you don’t want to risk them doing anything to embarrass you. Any issues in your relationship should be addressed with your partner privately first.
Speak with your significant other afterward about the incident.
If this is the first time, it is best to speak with your significant other afterward about what happened, how you felt at the time, and how you feel about it now. When talking to your partner, use words like “I felt …” and “This is what I noticed when …” Next, allow your partner time to respond.
If they had no clue what was occurring or didn’t see the situation as you did, work together to put yourselves in each other's shoes. Pose the question “How would you feel if …” and pay attention to how your partner responds. If they take to gaslighting you, you may have a different and bigger problem on your hands, one that has nothing to do with the person who was flirting.
On the other hand, if your partner is empathetic and feels bad about your experience, and you haven’t had a need to have this sort of conversation in the past, don’t harp on the incident. Do, however, discuss where your boundaries around flirting are.
Set boundaries around flirting.
Talk about what behaviors are acceptable for each of you and what aren’t. Discuss also what you expect from each other should someone outside your relationship flirt with either of you, whether in each other’s presence or not.
Boundaries should not apply to just one of you. They are rules for your relationship to keep you both comfortable and should not be seen (or used) as a punishment.
Speak with the person doing the flirting directly.
The last resort, and a DEFCON 1 move, is to talk directly to the person doing the flirting. But only do so if this person fits the following profile: they are a repeat offender, and your partner has already made it clear (for real, hopefully) that their advances are unwelcome.
Depending on the individual, their personality, and their agenda, be prepared for them not to back down. But if your relationship is strong, perhaps made stronger by taking the steps above, you should have nothing to worry about. That is, except maybe getting the hiccups when you and your partner laugh about how pathetic this person is.
Focus on your relationship.
Remain focused on each other and your relationship, continuing to deepen it. You can do this by giving each other your time and attention and listening to your partner when they communicate about what they don’t like and what they do. Both matter. Relationships are made up of a series of choices, the most important of which is choosing each other each and every day.
Should you or your partner stop choosing each other, the time has come to reassess your relationship. Not all relationships are built to last, and trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held or who you no longer want to hold is like keeping a bird in a cage when it’s meant to soar.