Breakups are hard, but eventually, you survive them and move on. You grieve, work on yourself, learn lessons, and get out there again in the hopes of finding something — someone — special to enhance your life. Not a replacement for the person who’s gone but someone to fill the space they left behind them.
You understand these goals. They’re self-serving, and this is acceptable. They fall under the guise of self-care, that catch-all phrase ubiquitous in every relationship conversation you’ve had or article you’ve read since your split, maybe before as you contemplated it. The focus is internal, where it should be, and where those who advise healing inform you it must be.
But often, there’s a secret side of your breakup journey, one that revolves around the “them,” the person who left, instead of the you, the healing you. And, unfortunately, the them focus, the outward focus, is one that can chip away at your heart when you realize that not only is your relationship done, over for anywhere from a day to decades, but your once-person has moved on, too, doing all the self-care stuff you have done and are doing too — leading them to someone new.
It doesn’t always matter if you’re in another relationship as they are, although that can make their moving on somewhat more palatable. In spite of it, their being with someone else still irks you, no matter how full your life is. You recognize what you’re doing, how you’re hurting yourself and perhaps your current relationship, and know you should stop but can’t — or don’t one hundred percent want to. The question is why.
You aren’t happy in your existing relationship.
That you’re not happy in your current relationship is the most obvious explanation for why you’re focusing on an ex and what an ex is up to. People who are happy and generally satisfied with their existing relationship don’t become fixated elsewhere.
Yes, people get curious from time to time, leading them to check out a past love on social media to see what they’re up to. But this interest is often fleeting, returning them to the present day without much more than a second thought.
You are experiencing idle curiosity or boredom.
Curiosity and episodes of boredom are not usually cause for concern or a threat to an existing relationship. However, when thoughts of an ex begin to pervade your mind more frequently, it’s a sign to consider what your ex represents in your life today. Are they masking some other past trauma or issue you need to face but have been avoiding?
You’ve fallen prey to comparing yourself to others.
Never before has it been easier to compare yourself to others. With a few internet searches, you can create a fiction around your partner's life, a life you truly know nothing about.
As you can probably attest, pictures of your relationship with your ex don’t tell a complete story. They’re merely one-dimensional snapshots in time. That said, seeing pictures of your ex with someone else can hurt, which may be the payoff you’re looking for. Related to this …
You’re addicted to relationship pain.
Past trauma and conditioning can be to blame for actively seeking out relationship pain. Do you only feel comfortable or alive when you’re feeling rejected, unwanted, or unloved? What in your past has caused you to feel this way?
As you answer these questions, consider your attachment style in relationships. Particularly if you exhibit signs of anxious attachment, you may be hyper-focused on an ex and what they’re up to because you are addicted to the pain it causes you. If this is the case, consider seeking a mental health professional for guidance who can also offer tips on behavioral modification to break the cycle.
You never felt closure in your last relationship.
If your partner broke up with you unexpectedly or ghosted you, you may feel like you have unfinished business. This can cause you to become fixated on the what-ifs, even if you’re not reaching out for answers. Creating answers to the what-ifs for yourself, especially if the answers are hurtful to you (e.g., I wasn’t smart enough, attractive enough, interesting enough), can be harmful to your current environment and self-esteem.
The good news is you don’t need your ex to change the narrative. You can do it yourself by giving yourself the closure they never did: It wasn’t meant to be, not because of you but because of your ex.
You have lingering regret over the relationship.
Few people walk around with no regrets about something they said or did in their lives or didn’t say or do.
This may be your story. However, reaching out to an ex, especially if they have moved on with someone else, can expose you to more pain. Your ex may not be happy to hear from you or may ignore you altogether. Their response will depend on their situation, thoughts about your relationship, your breakup, and whether enough time has passed for them to want or feel comfortable talking to you.
So, before making such a bold move, consider how the worst-case scenario will make you feel. Then, decide whether the past should remain in the past and your head rerouted to the here and now with the opportunity to make lasting memories with someone new.