5 Ideas for Singles to Stay Social While Socially Distant This Thanksgiving

As COVID-19 cases continue to rise, the CDC is advising people to spend Thanksgiving at home with those they live with and not to travel. For most, the advisory could make for a very small Thanksgiving feast, maybe even preparing dinner for one if you're single and living by yourself. It also could mean, just as you had to do with work, co-parenting, or dating, you have to re-envision how you celebrate the holiday this year.

For months now, I've been helping singles pivot their way through the COVID crisis. I've continually come up with creative solutions to keep single men and women social and open to meeting new people, even if it meant communicating over Zoom or while they're wearing a mask and standing six feet apart. Sure, it may have felt weird at first, and probably still does. But I've seen my clients rise to the occasion, thinking through more carefully what they want out of a potential relationship and make meaningful connections as a result.

Thanksgiving 2020 should be no different than any other new experience you've had to field this year. Just because you're socially distancing this holiday doesn't mean you can't still be social. Here are a few ideas.

Invite a guest or guests for a Zoom Thanksgiving.

Whether you're spending Thanksgiving by yourself or with a small group of family members or friends, consider virtually inviting a new romantic interest into your home for a Zoom dinner, dessert, or an after-dinner drink or coffee. How much interaction you allow your virtual guest to have with your in-person dinner mates, if you have any, will be entirely up to you.

Suppose you've been talking or going on socially distant dates for a little while. In that case, you may be more comfortable with this idea than if you recently met, which would probably make an after Thanksgiving drink or coffee the preferable option. The goal is to think outside the box. That means adjusting what you would've done in the past to this now unusual and unprecedented, typically social, holiday.

Remember, there are no mistakes, only experiments that may not work. But you won't know unless you try.

Cook together.

If you're not comfortable extending a virtual invitation for dinner, what about the hours leading up to the meal? Cooking Thanksgiving dinner takes a lot of prep time in the kitchen. What about setting up your computer or smartphone on the kitchen counter while you dice the carrots, celery, and onions for the stuffing? Or as you baste the turkey?

A cooking date is a fun way to interact with someone you've been dating in a non-public setting. By cooking together virtually, you can take advantage of this more intimate "get to know you" time in the comfort of each other's homes without any of the "pressures" that can accompany such a date in real life, and which you might not be ready for just yet.

 Slowing down the dating process can be beneficial. It can allow you to get to know the person you're dating more thoroughly and without the expectation that you will automatically take your relationship to the next level because you're in one of your homes.

 Order Thanksgiving to go.

So you're not skilled in the kitchen. And cooking isn't your thing. The good news is lots of restaurants, including some in your area, I'm confident, will be offering prepared menus specifically for Thanksgiving. It's been a rough year, and if your idea of a happy Thanksgiving means relaxing, then give yourself a break and have someone else prepare the meal for you. Doing so will also provide you with even more of an opportunity to share your time with someone you've just met or have begun speaking to recently.

Compare your favorite local haunts, where you like to go out with your friends or on dates, and give a nod toward the hopefully not so distant future when you can visit these places with them. The idea is to create an image of what dating you could be like while building rapport together.

Play an online game.

One of the benefits of Zoom, FaceTime, or Google Meet technology is how easy it is to bring multiple people into the same room for a trivia game or game of your choosing. Whether you're playing with numerous people or one-on-one, a game is an effective way to get to know each other in a relaxing setting.

I know people who host regularly occurring game nights with family members and friends who live all around the country. From trivia to Bingo to Scrabble, you can learn a lot about someone's personality from how they play a game. Are they intense? Competitive? Fun-loving? Funny? You may like what you see. Or you can save yourself from wasting more time going for the best of three.

Host a watch party.

Some streaming services like Netflix allow you to arrange watch parties, during which you can unmute yourself and "whisper" comments in each other's ear, almost like you would in a movie theater.

Similar to games, taste in movies can tell you a lot about a person while also giving you more to talk about with each other once the credits roll. Often, discussions about films can lead to exchanging stories about real life. Not to mention, if you both like watching movies as a pastime, it might become an activity you enjoy together in person — when the credits roll on 2020.

Would You Marry Someone Who Already Has Children?

Like many Americans, I turned on my TV to watch the DNC—

No, don't click away! I'm not here to talk about politics, I swear!

Anyway, I turned on my TV with the expectation to hear solely about politics, but the truth is that the world isn't divided into boxes, with each topic of discussion receiving its own box. Life is interdisciplinary, which gave me, the matchmaker, a different appreciation for Biden's speech when I listened to his account of the story about how he and his wife Jill met.

In case you didn't catch the speech, here's the rundown. Biden is a widower; his first wife and baby daughter were tragically killed in an auto accident, leaving him as a single father of his two surviving boys. He was single and focused on the kids for a while, and eventually, he met Jill. She needed to be sure she and he wanted to get married, and what an assumption of responsibility it would be to take on his children as well, which she was prepared for and willing to take on wholly and fully. The boys referred to her as Mom, versus Mommy, who died.

As a matchmaker, I warn my clients not to enter into these relationships lightly. It doesn't take much time or thought to express interest in someone online, especially if you're doing the bare minimum — sending a wink or swiping right. Choose your poison. I say poison because most online dating sites make it sinfully easy to get your foot in the door with a potential match, even if you only appear like matches on paper, and not in the flesh.

One such way this would occur is with the question of children. You and your potential match have excellent witty banter over text, and maybe even in person. But there's a catch: suppose you don't want children, but your potential match has children. When push comes to shove, you have two options: break things off now before they get serious, or accept your match and his children.

As is the case with the Biden family and most young-ish families, the match and their children are a package deal. You can't wish them away because they aren't going anywhere. Even if you intend to maintain a perpetually casual relationship, the children will always somehow creep into the dynamic of the relationship, whether it be your match needing to cancel because his son has the flu, or his daughter has a piano recital. A key thing to understand about parents is that their children will always come first (if they don't prioritize their children over their needs, that's a red flag, but that's beside the point).

There are many responsibilities a step-parent would need to take up. You would also need to prioritize your match's children's needs, as would be the case with your own one day. Additionally, if your match's ex is still alive, there would be the task of co-parenting, and the potential issues associated with that. And, of course, there's the seemingly feared and insurmountable obstacle of the possibility that, for whatever reason, your match's children dislike you (or maybe they do like you, but give you hell anyway).

As a potential match for that parent, you can either accept that the needs of the children will come first or move on to a child-free match. Still, I believe including single parents into your search expands your prospects for finding love, not only from the person but also from an entire family.

Dating someone who has children can be very difficult, but it can also be very rewarding. My philosophy is that it's more fulfilling to live in a world where there are more people to love and more people who love you. So, I encourage my clients to broaden their horizons and, if they're willing to date a man or woman who already has children, ask themselves whether they would be open toward that potential match as a long-term option.

These relationships don't usually come easy, and you have to realize that going into them. It could be for you. And it may not be, which is OK, too.

Is Your Relationship Based on COVID or Chemistry?

"So when are we going to meet you in person?" Sophie giggled as she looked coyly at the scruffy writer-type looking back at her through the iPhone screen. "It's been three months, and we definitely should all meet for drinks!"

Benji shrugged sheepishly, and with what she thought was a slight twinkle in his eye, said, "Definitely. Soon. I promise. Talk to you ladies later."

The call ended.

"See," Sophie said, handing the phone back to Carly, "everything's fine. He's going to ask you for plans."

Carly wasn't so sure, though, even about the twinkle in Benji's eye, which on second thought, may have been her imagination. Or the sun in his eye as he looked away from the camera to avoid looking at her.

Carly's second thought turned out to be the correct one. Two days later, Benji had "the talk" with Carly: he wasn't looking for anything serious and couldn't be the boyfriend she wanted.

Carly was shocked. It had already been three months. They seemed to be getting along so well — romantic dinners cooked in her apartment and lots of handholding during their frequent walks.

"But what about taking you to dinner?" Carly's mother had asked from time to time as the summer progressed as restaurants began to open for outdoor dining. "People are venturing out a little more, so why don't the two of you ever leave your apartment?"

A simple question and, if COVID-19 hadn't been masking it, one with a simple answer: Benji just wasn't that into Carly.

During the height of quarantine, Benji had found himself a "situationship," where he could Netflix and chill in the comfort of Carly's apartment, not take her out on dates, and not advance the relationship forward into a more serious one. All without having to answer for his actions or, as it appears, inactions.

What Carly had taken for chemistry was actually COVID-19 masking the same dating problems that existed pre-pandemic. It's why Carly dated a guy who wasn't serious about her for as long as she did. Looking back, Carly had missed the signs, the ones which would have made her cut ties with Benji after only a few dates: he didn't want to be seen publicly with Carly or spend money on their dates, and rarely invited her over.

More than six months into the pandemic, Carly's story is far from unique. COVID has created a cuffing season without end. Unless, of course, you're astute enough to end it yourself.

For those unfamiliar with the phenomenon, cuffing season, particularly in areas where there's a change of season, begins around October when the weather turns cold and the days get shorter. It ends around March or April as temperatures start to rise. In the interim, couples who ordinarily wouldn't stay together cuff themselves, keeping themselves warm until they can jump back in the dating pool without freezing their butts off going restaurant and bar hopping. During the winter months, all they want to do is stay warm at home under the covers, so they find someone — anyone — to keep them company there.

When COVID-19 appeared, even the spring weather couldn't get some of these people to uncuff, especially since dating in person these days comes with health risks and uncomfortable questions would-be daters must ask and answer to keep themselves safe. The result is many people have unwittingly found themselves in situationships that mask themselves as real relationships just like Carly did. Carly wasted valuable time with someone who didn't share the same interests and long-term goals or had her best interests at heart.

But shouldn't a warm body be enough for now?

I won't deny it: love involves making sacrifices sometimes. That is except when it comes to not getting the love you want and deserve, and COVID-19 is as bad an excuse as any for staying with someone who doesn't meet your expectations. So please do yourself a huge favor and take it out of the equation. Go back to who you were before the pandemic hit. Then ask yourself who you've become because of it, which should now be someone stronger — and wiser.

How COVID-19 Is Dividing Couples and What You Can Do to Stop It

As COVID-19 continues to spread and the pandemic looms on, it seems many couples are discovering another contagion in their lives — divorce. Couples are trapped at home together for months on end, so it’s not surprising that divorce rates around the world are on the rise. That said, the quarantine doesn’t have to spell divorce for you and your significant other. That is if you’re both willing to commit to saving your marriage.

From arguments about when to wear a mask or how to handle kids or teens going out to divvying up household chores, there’s often more deep-seated issues underlying a dispute. Address those head-on, and instead of fighting with your partner, you can give your marriage a fighting chance. Here’s how.

Listen to your partner’s thoughts about COVID-19.

As with any disagreement, resolving COVID-19-related conflicts requires mutual respect and understanding. In a pandemic especially, where health and wellbeing are at stake, it’s understandable to feel strongly about your position. To keep the peace and come to a resolution, hit the pause button. Then listen to what your partner has to say.

Though you may continue to disagree after hearing their perspective, you can help your relationship by allowing your partner to communicate what they’re thinking and feeling. You may even decide to give a little on some sticking points after hearing them out. More about that later. The key is to listen, really listen. How else can you expect to reach a mutual understanding?

Don’t dismiss what your spouse is saying or feeling.

After giving your partner the floor, don’t shelve his or her thoughts and feelings. There’s more to healthy communication than just listening. Take time to process their opinions and incorporate what your partner is saying into your thought process.

If your partner habitually dismissed you, you wouldn’t feel valued by them. Nor would you feel like you had any power in the relationship. Nothing contributes to the collapse of a marriage faster than feeling unheard, so it’s essential to keep the lines of communication open during every discussion — even the ones about COVID-19.

Be respectful, even if you don’t agree.

Suppose you still disagree with your partner’s perspective on how to tackle a particular issue. The way you phrase your argument is critical here.

Instead of saying, “You’re stupid for thinking this,” say something along the lines of “Well, I think this.” When debating an issue, stick to the facts. Once you resort to personal attacks, the argument will escalate, and you will be putting your relationship in jeopardy.

Compromise (figure out what you can give a little on).

You can’t always win or lose in a relationship. Instead, you need to be able to meet somewhere in the middle on specific issues. A COVID-19-related example would be that you want to go out for dinner, but your partner is hesitant to take the risk.

Perhaps you can come up with a scenario that works for both of you, like agreeing to order in and heat the food up in the oven for an additional few minutes. Or choose a restaurant with outdoor dining and tables spaced apart enough so that your partner feels comfortable.

I am a staunch believer in compromise. Relationships require negotiation, and sometimes you need to give in on some issues to maximize happiness. That includes your own.

Ask yourself if your disputes are about COVID-19 or something more profound.

Sometimes a conflict is surface level, such as whether to order Italian or Chinese food for dinner. But sometimes disputes are brought about by an underlying conflict. In this instance, you want Italian food, and your partner wants Chinese. But they will not budge no matter what you say, which always seems to happen in your relationship.

The inability to compromise indicates the presence of an underlying conflict. Perhaps your partner feels unheard in other areas of your relationship. Or they are angry about something else and behaving passive-aggressively as a result.

With healthy communication or potentially even marriage and relationship counseling, you can tackle these problems while you have the time to, particularly since you’re spending more time at home anyhow. In other words, put your time together to good use.

Determine if your marriage is worth saving.

It may not feel like it now, but the coronavirus crisis will eventually come to an end. Ultimately, the conflicts you have about whether it’s safe to go out for dinner, go for a walk without a mask, or which candidate you will vote for in the upcoming election will fade. When that happens, ask yourself, “What will remain of my relationship?”

If the answer is, “The love and respect I have for my partner and the life we’ve built together,” then get to work. If your marriage is sick but worth saving, take steps to protect it, just as you would when you go outside now. Pandemic or not, good health begins at home.

6 Creepy COVID-Related Dating Behaviors

Early dates come with surprises around every corner, not all of them good. Some are so bizarre they can cause daters to jump out of sheer shock. Fear of the unknown is common, and the mix of anxiety you may experience from trying to make a good impression while opening yourself up to someone you don't know well can be enough to make your skin crawl.

 Throw in a pandemic, and what you could generally chalk up to weird dating behaviors have now made people appear like they're going batshit crazy. Yes, the virus itself is scary. But as a matchmaker, I would argue that even more hair-raising are the less explored effects the virus is having on dating.

 Here are a few to make you shake in your boots.

 1. The Covid Goodbye

 Figuring out how to part ways at the end of a date is tricky. Should you wave before going your separate ways? Hug? Lean in for a kiss? After reading cues throughout the date, you finally approach. In "normal" times, whether you get that goodbye right is hit or miss.

 During a pandemic, all bets are off because masks are on, making it harder for couples to gauge how they feel about each other. After all, if you're strolling around town wearing a face covering, it's hard to read your date's expressions. Body language goes a long way toward communicating and creating attraction.

 Or, as I explain in a previous article, if you just enjoyed a socially distanced date with your masks off and then put them on right before you stand up to say goodbye, your signals could get crossed. Your date may very well like you and but, instead, becomes apprehensive because of the risk of catching COVID. Understandable.

 So you end up exchanging an awkward nod, or worse, an elbow bump. Then, without knowing what the hell just happened, you leave the scene of the crime, along with your budding relationship, which is now dead in the water.

 2. COVID sex

 Earlier this year, New York State released guidelines on how to practice safe sex during the pandemic. Oregon followed with an infographic, taking it to a new level of ick. Some of the highlights included tips about masturbation and— Well, you can read the rest on your own. While these instructionals are cringeworthy, they introduce the broader and more critical question about how best to approach sex during COVID times.

 While these mysteries are already hard enough to solve during non-COVID times, does a pandemic justify bringing one of New York's most eligible bachelors, Governor Andrew Cuomo, into your bedroom with his advice about how to navigate your sex life? I guess that depends on who you ask. But I digress.

 For most people, this level of direction is a little freaky.

 3. Getting dressed for Zoom dates

 One of the more stressful parts of going on a date, especially for women, is figuring out what to wear. Pre-COVID, single women often described spending hours rifling through their closets to find the perfect outfit.

 But what happens when dates are going to be socially distant over Zoom? Is there still a point in spending hours doing hair and makeup and laboring over which cute dress to pull out of the closet, especially if your date will only see your upper body?

 More and more, daters have taken to wearing a nice top with pajama pants, or boxers, with no one the wiser. That is until you stand up by mistake to refill your coffee cup or wine glass. Eeek.

 4. Pet introductions

 Are you ready for a threesome? Probably not. But your pet might be. They won't think twice about getting in on the action by barking in the background or, in the case of cats, walking across your keyboard. Here's the thing: among daters, not all pets are created equal.

 As I discussed in another recent blog post, there's a strong bias against men who have cats. The same holds for women; recall the crazy cat lady trope, which causes many men concern. Brace yourself: that black cat crossing your path screen may spell bad luck for you — and your new relationship, too.

 5. Getting the lay of the land too soon.

 Another thrill of dating someone new is when you see where they live for the first time. In a way, virtual dating spoils that thrill. When you're on Zoom dates, you will most likely see various rooms in their home off in the background before ever setting foot inside.

 On the other hand, if your date decides to use a green screen, it may make you wonder what they're hiding by not showing what's behind them. Is your date's home messy? Does someone else live there, like a partner or spouse, or, God forbid, their mom?

 6. The "cheap" of birds.

 No, it's not an Alfred Hitchcock movie. It's a little birdie whispering in your ear, questioning whether your date is cheap, enjoying these freebie dates a little too much. With virtual dating, the money meter all but dissipates. Video chatting is inexpensive, especially if you're already paying for a video service or getting one through work, alleviating the age-old question of who's paying for dinner.

 It's no secret going on dates gets pricey after a while, especially for men who bear the brunt of the expense during the first few dates or early stages of a relationship. Dating requires a monetary investment, filtering out guys uninterested in pursuing anything serious with you by default.

 Though not a foolproof method for showing genuine interest, invested men are usually willing to reach into their wallets. The same goes for women, who happily shell out for traveling expenses to see guys they like. Or to make them homecooked meals. For the ungrateful guy, these are expenditures that often go unnoticed and, accordingly, unappreciated.

 It's also why how much money each person contributes to a relationship should be cause for discussion, at least in relationships destined to succeed. Better to be open and honest about money from the beginning, even if, for now, you're Zoom dating. There is a caveat: dating should never be a quid pro quo, so beware of the dater who makes it one. Thanks to the slowdown in casual dating caused by the pandemic, you have plenty of time to chat about it.

 A discussion, however, doesn't mean you won't wind up disappointed. Because you don't need much effort to turn on your Zoom camera and chat for a couple of hours every week, you still run the risk of somebody wasting your time. The commitment needed for virtual dates is low, which means instead of listening to the "cheap" of birds, you may soon be hearing crickets, the scene in horror movies when the latest victim usually gets the ax.

 Good thing your cat with nine lives taught you that your dating life has far more, including the opportunity to meet someone better in your next one.

Getting the Conversation Started: How to Relax and Open Up on Dates

So you've spent the past days or weeks texting, emailing (yes, people still do this!), and talking to a match. Now you're finally meeting face to face, in the flesh. But then it strikes you: this person is essentially a stranger, a stranger with whom you have just agreed to spend time with for a drink, meal, or outing.

Yes, you've been chatting online and on the phone, getting to know each other. But that's not the same as meeting in person where you can gauge whether or not you have any chemistry with one another. In real life, your match is still very much a variable — an unknown.

So, when you meet for the first time, how do you get past that initial awkwardness? You know, the limbo where you feel compelled to be friendly and affectionate because this is "a date," but know acting too familiar could make you come off creepy and weird.

As a matchmaker who utilizes a combination of matchmaking databases, online dating, and the latest scientific studies in the world of romance and dating to help my clients find love, the first-meeting-chilliness is a problem I've had to coach my clients through regularly. There's just no getting around the fact that when you meet your online match in person for the first time, they're not much more familiar to you than someone you met that night simply because an in-person meeting is multidimensional.

You can see your date's facial expressions and body language, hear the intonation in their voice more clearly, even smell them (which, hopefully, doesn't offend you). It's a lot to take in and can all be overwhelming. Fortunately, I have a few strategies to help you break the ice on a first date, putting both of you at ease.

Make use of small talk.

Ugh, yeah, I know. Small talk can be the worst. You want to get right into the meaty, exciting conversations and back to the witty banter you've exchanged over text. But that's like going to the gym and instantly doing high-intensity-interval-training without doing some warmups first. You're going to wind up pulling a muscle — or making your date feel uncomfortable.

So why should you waste your first impression with a new match by talking about what you perceive as nonsense? Like warmups for exercise, small talk gets your body, which is in a state of rest, into a state of activity. Then, once you spend some time talking about how your day has been or what the traffic was like on the way to the restaurant, the hope is you and your date will feel acquainted enough to begin engaging in conversations that are a little more personal.

Ask plenty of questions.

Once you run out of introductions and small talk and your blood is pumping, ready for the main workout, it's time to get to know your date. And what better way is there to do that than to ask him or her questions?

People generally love to talk about themselves, and they will love talking to you more when you listen to them talk about themselves. So your questions will serve a dual purpose: you get to know your date, and your date gets to enjoy your company.

Talk about yourself, too.

I advise my clients to prepare for a first date the way they would an interview. If you think about it, a first date serves as an interview for the position of "boyfriend" or "girlfriend." Just as you are on this date to get to know your match, your match wants to have the chance to get to know you. Use the information your date tells you about himself or herself to put your best foot forward and start conversations you both could enjoy.

As you listen to your match, discuss their interests, finding some common ground for relatability. Suppose you both like to hike. Talk about your favorite hiking trails or where you would like one day like to visit. Now you have bonded over a specific area of interest, helping you feel that much more familiar with each other.

One caveat: you may want to think about excluding some topics from your conversations. Those include money, politics, religion, exes, and dysfunctional family dynamics. There will be plenty of time for those talks later, hopefully over cocktails or wine if things work out. Remember, if you do touch on these subjects, there's never an excuse for treating others with disrespect. 

Don't just tell stories, be a storyteller.

I believe that individual life experiences make us unique while making us relatable to others. As you listen to chapters and anecdotes from someone else's life story, you get to know who they are in a fundamental sense, particularly what they value. This information helps you form a meaningful understanding of that person.

It's why I advise clients to keep a selection of stories to share at the forefront of their minds. No, I'm not referring to the one about your divorce (save that for the tenth date, at least!). Instead, talk about the time you went to Las Vegas and met some crazy person on the strip at 3 a.m. How did you react? The funnier, the better.

I don't expect you to create a list of canned stories to tell in your mind. Instead, as you have a conversation with your date about, say, when your steak will be ready, let the random memory of that delicious steak you once had come to mind, and tell a story around it. You'd be surprised how the most insignificant memory can spur a laugh and bonding moment.

Final thoughts.

Even if you start your date feeling nervous, as you go through your itinerary (I say itinerary rather than script because, in my mind, itineraries leave more room for flexibility), a relaxed feeling will naturally come over you. If it doesn't, you should, of course, trust your gut. The truth is most people you meet will not be for you or you for them. But that doesn't mean you can't have an enjoyable time together.

The skill of being a good first date is not too different from that of being a good dinner host. The ability to break the ice and be friendly and warm using small talk, a healthy back and forth, and telling stories will help bridge the gap between those who arrive as strangers at the start of the night and leave as friends by the end of it. As we all know, it's often how the best relationships begin.

COVID and Cuffing Season: Should You Settle for Just Good Enough?

By now, we all know what Covid is, but how about "cuffing season"? In popular culture, it's a term used to refer to the winter months when many people find themselves longing for someone to snuggle with by the fire, kiss under the mistletoe or on New Year's Eve, and generally spend time with during those cold, dark, and dreary winter months. The difference between cuffing and a real relationship is that one or both people wouldn't be with each other if the weather were warmer, and they had something better to do with someone they liked more.

Those looking for relationships aren't the only ones susceptible to cuffing season. People who are generally content with being single during the warmer months also cuff. The cold(er) weather can cause even the most independent people to feel lonely and desperate for companionship, even if they typically wouldn't want that much of it.

In 2020 (of course), it's different.

For starters, it's unclear how many people who should've uncuffed after last winter did. For the folks first catching onto the phenomenon and desperately looking for that semi-special someone to pick apples and sip their pumpkin spice lattes with, cuffing season has only begun to rear its ugly head, for them, and as a matchmaker, me. Except for this year, there's another incentive for people to cuff or stay that way: COVID.

Because of the pandemic, the way people date has changed. Yes, it can feel more difficult, but that doesn't mean dating has become impossible or necessarily worse. Sometimes, different can be better, and there are definite advantages to dating during this time.

So even if you feel inclined to stay with someone who you wouldn't during "normal times," or during a so-called regular cuffing season, you shouldn't now, just because of the appearance of COVID. In other words, COVID (and anything else going on in the world) should never present an additional reason to justify cuffing to someone you like only enough.

Ask yourself these questions instead.

If times were good, would I still be with this person?

Suppose you were already considering leaving your partner, and then boom, the pandemic hit, so you decided to stay. Was that decision because you came to realize on your terms that you want to be with your partner, or was your motivation purely external, i.e., the pandemic?

If your answer is "the pandemic made me do it," then you may want to consider whether the relationship you're in is worth you spending another season, albeit cuffing season, in it.

Am I in my relationship out of loneliness or boredom?

Part of being in a healthy relationship is knowing what you're looking to get from it. Do you want something serious? Casual? Something in specific, like companionship or marriage and children?

If, after some self-reflection, you find that you're in your relationship because you're merely afraid of being alone, or because you're bored, it would probably be in your best interest (as well as your partner's, who will likely end up with a broken heart regardless of whether you stay or go) to take some time for yourself and learn to be your own person before committing to a relationship again. Cuffing isn't fair to the person you've cuffed yourself to or you.

Have I taken the time to work on myself and evaluate my priorities?

Despite what the holiday Hallmark movies may tell you, being single during the holiday season isn't the worst thing that could happen to you.

The holidays can present fantastic opportunities to meet new people and get to know others better in your professional and social circles. These situations can expand your interests — and horizons. They can also be a time to evaluate your priorities and work on any issues you believe are holding you back. Any time of year is, so why not now?

Am I willing to overcome my fear of being single for a while in exchange for the opportunity to find a more fulfilling relationship?

Seriously, being unpartnered during the holiday season isn't the end of the world. But staying in a relationship that leaves you feeling unfulfilled and, in extreme situations, unhappy is a colossal waste of your time. By uncuffing yourself from a relationship that doesn't bring you happiness as it should, you can re-evaluate who you are without this person in your life, including what you like to do in your free time, with whom, and where you see yourself one day.

Even though we're in the throes of a pandemic, there are still many occasions to meet like-mind singles. You may have to seek those opportunities out a little more now in addition to making adjustments to how you dated in the past, but it's important to remember there can still be love in your future if you take steps toward it. That begins with being in a frame of mind and position where you can find love — whether outside of a relationship or in one.

How Do You Part Ways After a Date During COVID?

He was really great! We sat six feet apart on a park bench in Washington Square Park, drinking our coffees and eating our blueberry muffins. He loves blueberries, just like I do.

We spoke for almost two hours about where we had traveled, our kids, and exchanged our favorite book titles. We even talked about this farm in Pennsylvania that he knew of where we could pick blueberries. I was super excited.

A little while later, we stood up to say goodbye, and it just got all weird. He gave me some awkward wave and said, "This was fun. I'll talk to you soon." He had his mask on, and I couldn't see his face. I totally thought he was into me during the date, but now I'm not so sure.

It's an all too familiar assessment these days and, after nearly three decades as a matchmaker, no surprise to me. Parting ways on a first date presents a critical moment, even in "normal," pre-COVID times. If a date seemed to have gone well, both participants would then have a small window of opportunity before saying goodbye to either express their interest in seeing each other again or signal that they had reached the end of the road.

Of course, as anyone who's ever been out on a date before or seen a rom-com knows, there's also that nagging third scenario, the one the current pandemic has caused to become more exaggerated. It's where you both want to put another date on the calendar, but because of some barrier to communication, you leave feeling confused and unsure how the other person feels.

That barrier can be shyness, insecurity, or something more tangible like, say, a mask, which may be the precise culprit for confusing our Washington Square dater above. And if someone (whether me or you) doesn't jump in fast to keep her head in the game, the off-putting feeling she got post-date may turn into the death knell of an otherwise promising connection, with one or neither of them reaching out to the other afterward.

But first, let me make it clear: I'm all for wearing a mask on a date, obviously unless you're drinking or eating. Wearing a mask is a necessary precaution to keep coronavirus from spreading, so if you choose to leave it on during the entire date or distance yourself enough to feel comfortable taking it off, the right answer is always protecting yourself and those around you.

That said, in this new reality of mask-wearing, you will have to make adjustments about how you present social clues to others, especially to someone who doesn't know you well or is meeting you for the first time. Wearing a mask while saying goodbye on a date can make an already potentially awkward situation more awkward. It's why I tell my clients to say goodbye before getting up to leave, especially if they aren't wearing a mask during the date.

Human beings are social creatures. We use more than just words to show our interest and to read whether someone is interested in us. A big part of this is our facial expressions, most of which remain hidden under a mask. So if you're having a great time and sense that the end of the date is near, throw out the question you may have asked on the way to the car or under the porch light: Would you like to go out with me again? Because I'm betting your date will be more open to accepting that invitation if it comes with a smile instead of an elbow bump.

And by chance, if your date still ends on a strange note as it did for our New York City couple, you may want to consider cutting each other a little more slack than you would ordinarily. We still have a lot to learn about COVID, including how to date in its midst — safely and successfully.

The Long and the Short of Why You Should Date a Guy Who’s Shorter Than You

He's cute. He's nice. He's smart. He's interesting. He's funny. By all accounts, he's a great guy. So why in the world is the girl he's into friend-zoning him?  

The answer is simple and obvious for single guys like him: he's short. And she, the object of his affection, is taller. 

It's the challenge faced by Jack Dunkleman (Griffin Gluck) in the 2019 Netflix hit movie, "Tall Girl." In this heartwarming film, tall girl Jodi (Ava Michelle), faces daily ridicule from classmates for her towering height. At six-one, she's the tallest girl at school, leaving a school population that includes no one taller than her, especially in heels.  

That is, until the handsome Swedish foreign exchange student, Stig Mohlin (Luke Eisner), shows up in class one day. And Jodi gets a lesson in what matters when looking for a relationship and, well, what doesn't. 

Or shouldn't. 

As a matchmaker, I hear it all the time. I want a guy who's taller than me. He must be at least six feet. No short guys! 

It's not just small talk (pun intended) from these gals, either. They're serious about what they want. According to a 2014 study conducted by researchers at Rice University, 48.9 percent of women said they only wanted to date men taller than them. With only 14.5 percent of American men clocking in at six feet and above, for the woman who's a stickler about height, it can mean a lot of Saturday nights alone. 

As for the five-foot nine-inch male's female counterpart, her average adjusted height came in at five feet four inches. With five inches separating the average sizes of the two genders, theoretically, there should be plenty of men for women to choose from. Even so, there are still plenty of women who won't entertain the idea of dating a short guy.  

And for what?    

I have news for you, ladies: You're selling yourself short (pun still intended). By swiping left on guys who fall below some arbitrary height requirement, even if they’re still taller than you are, you might be overlooking your dream guy. Here's why you should give that short guy a shot. 

You can be the big spoon. 

Sure, it's a wonderful feeling to have someone's arms wrapped around you. But it's also great to wrap your arms around someone you care about, and your short guy is the perfect size for snuggling. Just like guys, spoons come in different sizes.  

The correlation between height and penis size is unclear. 

But is he short everywhere? A 1993 study concluded: not necessarily. A guy's height and shoe size may mean nothing more than that he pays more for his Air Jordans.  

He wants you to wear those heels. 

Um, he's short, not dead. Of course, he wants to see you look your sexiest. If that means strutting your stuff in your favorite Manolos, break them out and watch him swoon. You're a goddess at any height. A short guy knows that better than anyone.  

He's confident. 

He may not be big in stature, but he's big in personality. Early on, he realized that his height wouldn't cause people to take notice, but being outgoing and fun would. Are you noticing that short guy yet? 

You're confident, too. 

You know jerks, like good guys, come in all shapes and sizes. So you've got no time for women who say they'd never date a short guy because that means they never have.  

If you're looking for advice about dating a short guy, I'm sure Tracy Pollan, Cameron Diaz, and Nicole Kidman will be happy to give you some, which I'm guessing by the rings on their fingers, will be short and sweet. 

Sarmassophobia: How Your Fear of Dating Is Holding You Back

There are many reasons why people claim they have little to no interest in dating. The excuses range anywhere from the effort it takes to the expense (time and money) and includes everything in between. You name it, I've heard it before. But once you scratch the surface, the reason usually comes down to one — fear.

Fear of dating and relationships, or sarmassophobia, is defined literally as a fear of love play. It "presents" as a fear of social situations, objects, and people who engage in behavior typical of romantic interactions. That includes flirting, kissing, and, yes, dating. It's often the reason people say they're happier being single or their life is so full there's no room for anyone else, particularly a partner, in it.

Fortunately, as Franklin Delano Roosevelt said in his inaugural address, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Once I open my clients' eyes to what's at the root of their hesitation, we get to work on facing what's scaring them most.

It's OK to feel afraid.

After working with hundreds of eligible singles, I understand dating can be daunting at first and why people fear it. It can be hard to put yourself out there, be scrutinized and judged by others, and risk getting hurt, especially if someone's hurt you before. It's not easy. And I get why some people would want to avoid it. But what I remind my clients is that the reward can far exceed the risk.

The difference between rational and irrational fears is that the latter prevents us from living our lives to the fullest. A life without love, whether you're talking about your soulmate or a partner to go to the movies with or out to dinner, is a life you can make more enjoyable simply by adding the right person into it. But it does require a small leap of faith. And sometimes some work before making it.

How can one overcome a fear of dating?

The best way to overcome your fear of dating is to get to the root of why you're afraid. I like to get to know my clients. We have heart-to-heart talks. We discuss whatever they're comfortable with that will give me added insight into not only who they're looking for but, even more importantly, who they are.

These discussions can include their past relationships, childhood, whatever makes them tick. Often, my clients learn something new about themselves in the process. And if they need to supplement with a mental help professional, such as a therapist, I support them doing so. We never stop growing, even later in life, when we think we have all the answers.

Why does one develop a fear of dating?

The biggest reason I've found why my clients fear dating is the likelihood of being rejected. Because of online dating, there is a much stronger emphasis on what a person looks like when choosing matches.

Also, there appear to be so many more options, spurring the idea that you can swipe and get another match if you don't like the one before it. But the amount of choice is an illusion. I've had so many clients still say to me there's no one out there to date. Of course, I know better.

I help my clients limit the pool by assisting them in making informed choices. I help them pick people who would likely also select them and who they may not choose themselves. Sure, everyone has to deal with rejection, but together we come at the process from a position of confidence — and, as a result, strength.

How a matchmaker can help.

The answer in a word is priorities. When you use a skilled, experienced matchmaker, that person will make you their number one, regardless of how many people they're helping. My clients are my priority. I recognize how emotional looking for love can be, and because of that, I make sure I'm here for my clients whenever they need me to be, day or night, seven days a week.

I support my clients, and, in return, my clients support me by being an integral part of the process. When they're in it to win, to find the love they want, that's when the magic happens. It may sound corny, but after 30 years in the business, I know one thing for sure: love wins. But first, you have to get into the game.

What Makes a Great Relationship: Study

We can talk for hours and hours about what makes a relationship terrible, the red flags to look out for when entering a relationship, or even when to know when it's time to call it quits. But I feel as though people in my field don't spend nearly enough time talking about what makes a relationship successful. I think that limitation stems from a tendency towards pessimism: people tend to focus on the bad, but not the good. 

Today, let's switch things up and focus on what makes a relationship more likely to survive. What factors predict the ability of a relationship to develop into something great? Is it personality? Attraction? Similar beliefs? Some combination? Or none of the above?  

A recent article published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the United States of America tackles these questions. The researchers used machine learning to determine the extent to which we can quantifiably predict a relationship's success and which factors of a relationship contribute to it.  

To compile their data, the researchers studied 11,196 couples across 43 different studies. They interviewed couples at least twice over several months, sometimes years, about what they believe factors into creating a healthy relationship. The top relationship predictors for the quality of a relationship are the following: perceived commitment of a partner, appreciation in a relationship, sexual satisfaction, perceived satisfaction of a partner, and the amount of conflict. The predictors for individual differences include satisfaction in life, negative affect, depression, and avoidant and anxious attachments. 

The study found that the relationship's characteristics have a much stronger impact on the success of the relationship than the individual characteristics of the people within the relationship. It's not necessarily the person you choose to be in a relationship with that matters in creating a successful relationship but, instead, the dynamic the two of you build in that relationship. A strong relationship, it appears, is more than the sum of its parts. 

As a matchmaker, it would seem these results should be mind-blowing. After all, matchmakers and online dating websites cater to individuals looking for the "one" or their soulmate. For me, the first thing that comes to mind is all of those personality quizzes and fill-in online dating profiles that seem to be gaining traction, where compatibility is ranked by how much you have in common with someone else. Indeed, literature and film romanticize the idea of soulmates. However, the results of this study are, in reality, consistent with my method of matchmaking, not a rom-com. 

When finding matches for my clients, I don't look for a soulmate. Instead, I look for a person who shares the same long-term goals as my client. As this study reveals, there needs to be a compatible relationship dynamic, and sharing similar goals is critical to forging that dynamic.  

The study further suggested that individual characteristics could affect relationships on an individual level, though not for all relationships. Therefore finding matches with similar interests as a foundation for a strong dynamic is still useful. However, it's not the primary factor in finding a great relationship and not the main one I focus on when making matches. 

You cannot reduce a healthy relationship to a definition of spending time together. A relationship is "good" when two individuals become one unit, practicing a balance of give and take. A couple ultimately forms a strong dynamic of mutual love and respect when they help each other achieve their long-term goals, as a couple and as individuals. The caveat: that potential doesn't usually come through in an online dating profile when you list only your interests and basic characteristics.  

The closest indicator of whether you've found a solid match, and eventually, a great relationship, would be the presence of shared goals. When seeking a relationship, I advise my clients to do their best not to judge how individuals like to spend their time or what toppings on their pizza they prefer. Instead, they should evaluate the quality of the relationship they could potentially build — together. And order the pepperoni on half the pie. 

Pre-Date Questions: COVID-19 Edition

It doesn't take the gift of foresight to recognize COVID-19 is here to stay for the foreseeable future. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, as I like to think of myself as a glass-half-full type of person, but I also consider myself a realist. Meaning I believe we still need to find a way to live our lives and move on, incorporating the existence of coronavirus into our new reality. 

As a matchmaker, I understand the importance of factoring coronavirus into dating. Not from an, "Oh, it's all temporary" physical-contact moratorium type of mindset, but from a practical, "How can we minimize risk while optimizing happiness" perspective. 

In a pre-COVID world, I offered my clients a list of questions to ask their matches before going on a date, many of which were rooted in maintaining personal safety.  

Now, that list needs to be modified to adjust to our current (and future) reality. The purpose of these questions is still a matter of safety. But my additions focus on a different type — physical health. Below is a list of coronavirus-related questions I suggest asking before a first date. 

Have you ever had COVID-19? 

Let's start with the most straightforward possible question: whether or not your match has ever contracted COVID-19. And if so, when was that?  

Asking pointed questions like this one help you discern your date's level of risk or likelihood of coming down with the virus. That said, there's still much debate surrounding how previous exposure impacts the possibility of future infection.  

Consider following up with inquiries about your match's history with COVID-19 testing, including the COVID-19 antibody test, and whether they would be willing to have either before meeting you in person. 

What is your current risk of exposure to COVID-19? 

This question is broad, but asking it can result in a variety of valuable answers that could impact your decision about whether or not to meet in person.  

Your match might be an essential worker or have a family member or roommate who is. Or maybe your match has recently traveled to a coronavirus hotspot.  

Regardless, the question leaves you with a way to learn about your match's daily life without having to ask vague or intrusive questions like, "How do you spend your free time" or "What do you do for a living?" 

Do you take social distancing measures? 

I like this question because it also gives you insight into your match's personality and values. It could likewise be a jumping-off point for a discussion about the seriousness of mask usage and the size of this person's immediate social circle (who they see regularly and is important in their lives). Or whether this person is comfortable leaving their house to go to a restaurant, the grocery store, or, if things go well, to meet you in person.  

Ultimately, this question can show you how much regard your match has for the health and well-being of other people. These qualities are all essential to learn when starting to date someone, COVID-19 or not. 

When was the last time you went on a date? 

This question takes things back to the realm of pre-COVID-19 dating. While it serves to specify the potential exposure your match has had, it also tells you how your match has been approaching COVID-19 from a romantic perspective. Has your match been dating around? Has your match just gotten out of a relationship?  

A silver lining of the pandemic, if there is one, is having a particular reason to ask this earnest, often uncomfortable question early on in the dating process. 

Would you wear a face mask during sex? 

Kidding, not kidding. According to researchers at Harvard University, sex could potentially spread coronavirus. One of the proposed measures couples could take to mitigate the risk of COVID-19 transmission is to wear face masks during sex.  

If you're comfortable, you could ask your match what he or she would think of taking such a measure, and from there, have a cheeky conversation to break the ice. Which COVID-19 or not is something every dater hopes to do. 

Do Men Overestimate Women’s Interest in Them?

When you're looking at online profiles and come across what you would call the "perfect match," and, especially, once you get to talking and dating, do you ever have the feeling this person is into you, too? Or, conversely, when you're uninterested, do you automatically conclude this person isn't into you either? If you can relate, you're in good company. Hollywood even made the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" based on Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo's book with the same title about the uncertainty we feel and misconceptions we have when dating. 

Researchers have taken an interest in this phenomenon, as well. For a long time, they have documented in various studies that men tend to overestimate women's sexual interest in them. However, researchers cannot pinpoint the exact reason why this seems to be the case. One such theory has been that men's overinflated perception of female interest functioned as an evolutionary adaptation: it's only logical that men who overestimate women's sexual interest are more likely to survive and reproduce. Because a man who thinks a woman is interested in him is more likely to pursue her than a man who believes she's disinterested. 

Furthermore, studies have demonstrated the phenomenon of men overestimating women's sexual interest, as well as the inverse phenomenon of women underestimating men's sexual interest. Researchers also suggested this pattern functioned as an evolutionary adaptation: just as men benefit from overestimating women's sexual interest, women benefit from underestimating men's sexual interest. If a woman chooses the wrong man to trust, she loses more in the long run than the woman who holds out for the right man. 

However, some researchers have noticed that the difference between the sexes becomes insignificant when they take factors such as an individual's sociosexual orientation (defined as the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside a committed relationship) and his or her own level of sexual interest into consideration as a reason why different individuals rate their potential partners' sexual interest the way they do. These findings challenge the long-held notion of evolutionary adaptation being the driving factor in why men overestimate women's sexual interest, and women underestimating men's sexual interest. 

In a new study published in Psychological Science, researchers recruited 1,226 participants, 586 men and 640 women with a median age of 19, all of whom identified as heterosexual, not in a serious relationship, and willing to answer questions about their sexual history honestly. After completing a questionnaire of their rated attractiveness and demographic information, participants met members of the opposite sex, had a three-minute conversation, and rated the person they paired with for various traits. The researches then asked the participants to rank the perceived sexual interest of their partners. 

The researchers found that there was not a significant correlation between the gender of the participant and the ranking of the partner's perceived sexual interest, as previously theorized. Instead, the participants' own sexual interest was significant in determining the sexual interest of partners. In other words, the researchers concluded that people tend to harbor the following bias: "I like you, so you must like me." 

As a matchmaker, I find this conclusion groundbreaking because it challenges the notion that there's an inherent difference between men and women and how they perceive each other's interest on a societal scale. Instead, the study puts many assumptions that matchmakers such as myself would believe to be intuitive, such as the tendency to view dating on a macro level, under the microscope. More specifically, as the study suggests, the questionable belief that men, in general, will assume women they like are into them.  

Taking into consideration this new perspective, I additionally look at matches from the micro-level. Meaning, I analyze the way my clients rank the potential attraction of matches, and from there, better gauge both my clients' and their matches' possible interest. By factoring in clients' cognitive bias of attraction (if a client appears predisposed to believing a match shares the same romantic or sexual interest), as a third party, I offer a clearer image of a match's viability and help my clients achieve their long-term romantic goals. 

Using cutting-edge psychology, I prepare my clients to take the dating world by storm while also helping them improve their self-awareness. If my clients feel inclined to come on too strong (or not strong enough), they're able to press the pause button and reassess the situation: is he/she into me, just not that into me, or am I projecting? From there, my clients can act accordingly — match or move on — this time, from a position of confidence and strength, by far the best predictor for relationship success of all. 

Do You Play Hard to Get or Date People Who Do? A New Study Explains Why

Have you ever been in a budding relationship and know your match is interested in you but inexplicably acts aloof?

You both want a romance with each other, but, for whatever reason, this person makes you work extra hard to earn their attention by dropping little nuggets of interest. Or you're the one who makes a romantic prospect work for your affection, waiting a deliberate amount of time before responding to a call or text or saying you already have plans when you don't.

You've heard this behavior described as playing hard to get, and, too often, it's an unavoidable part of the "dating game." But whether you're the one playing hard to get or pursuing someone who is, the problem is engaging in this kind of behavior is not always fun. So why do people do it? 

In the recent study, "Who plays hard-to-get and who finds it attractive? Investigating the role of attachment style," researchers focus on attachment style to explain which type of behavior daters exhibit.

In psychology, attachment theory suggests young children must have a relationship with at least one caregiver to foster healthy emotional development. Children fall into two categories: secure and insecure, with the latter further divided into anxious and avoidant. Which attachment style children form comes from the parent's sensitivity to the child and his or her needs.

In classic attachment studies, researchers test how infants respond when their parent leaves the room for a few minutes. A securely attached child freely roams around the room with the parent present, gets upset when the parent leaves, and cheers up when the parent returns.

Conversely, an anxiously attached child is usually less willing to explore the room even when the parent is present, may become extremely distressed when the parent leaves, and ambivalent when the parent returns. As the theory stands, the behavioral pattern results from unpredictable responsive caregiving.

An avoidantly attached child would respond to the situation by ignoring the parent, whether the parent stays or leaves the room, and would not explore the room. This response may be the result of the parent not regularly meeting the child's emotional needs.

Attachment theory in children may translate to the way people form relationships as adults. As adults, the once securely attached child would be the most likely to form stable relationships. The once anxiously attached child would be the most likely to experience difficulties with intimacy. And the once avoidant child the most likely to be so independent that he or she becomes hesitant to form emotional attachments to others altogether. So what does the research say about attachment theory and playing hard to get?

Across four experiments, the researchers found that those with an avoidant attachment style are more likely to play hard to get. In contrast, those exhibiting anxious attachments are more willing to pursue someone who plays hard to get. Both results suggest a correlation between attachment style and playing hard to get.

In the first experiment, the data showed that people with an avoidant attachment style tend to play hard to get, especially women. In the second study, the data showed people with an anxious attachment style tend to pursue people who play hard to get, and is more common among men.

In the two other experiments, researchers manipulated the variable of attachment. They found that among a pool of heterosexual men only, those exhibiting avoidant attachment are more likely to play hard to get. In contrast, those exhibiting anxious attachment are more likely to pursue someone playing hard to get.

As a matchmaker who curates matches for my clients based on a unique formula I developed, which includes balancing specific criteria I know after almost 30 years in the business leads to happy, sustainable relationships, I find attachment theory intriguing. The relationship children have with their parents is essential to the way they develop into adults. Therefore, it makes sense to pick matches with a similar enough upbringing to foster mutual understanding.

That said, I'm hesitant to place too much emphasis on attachment theory. Yes, attachment theory functions as a broad archetype of how some parenting methods impact a child's development or ability to be emotionally intimate. But real life is more complicated than merely categorizing whether an individual has formed insecure or secure attachments; everyone has a story that has contributed to who they are far beyond the relationship they shared with their parents.

So, in the event you're pursuing a person playing hard to get or being pursued because you are, it could mean you or the object of your affection is insecurely attached. Correlation is not causation. There could still also be an unknown third factor — and third reason — that should cause you to ask the most important question of all:

Why am I dating someone who doesn't make me feel good?

And move on to someone who does.

Me-ow-ch: New Study Reveals Bias Against Men With a Cat in Their Online Dating Profile

It's bad news for cat owners, male cat owners, that is. A new study from the College of Veterinary Medicine and Biomedical Sciences at Colorado State University reveals that women are less likely to swipe right on a guy holding a cat in his online dating profile.

The purr-pose of the study was to determine whether women consider men more attractive when they post photos of themselves with a cat or by themselves. Researchers conducted the study with past studies in mind, which suggested pet owners are more attractive than non-pet owners. Since most of the previous studies involved dogs, researchers hypothesized that women would find cat owners more attractive than non-cat owners.

Much to the chagrin of cat lovers, however, researchers found that women don't perceive male cat owners as attractive compared to their non-cat owner counterparts. It's unexpected, if you ask me, as I think cats are rather cool. However, the data didn't agree with me: more women viewed male cat owners as less masculine and dateable, albeit more neurotic, open, and agreeable.  

As a matchmaker, the significant difference in the way women perceive men with cats raises the question of whether men should be forthcoming about their feline friends. Should a man lie about (or not mention) his cat in his online dating profile if it's, as it appears from the study, a dealbreaker for a significant margin of women?

My instinct is always to tell the truth about yourself and not be misleading, especially when it comes to dating. So I must disavow actively lying about aspects of your identity, including owning a cat. After all, you can't build a relationship based on lies. Even a seemingly innocuous lie, such as saying you don't have a cat when you do, could shatter the foundation of trust in your relationship when, ahem, you finally let the cat out of the bag.

However, I don't think you need to decorate your profile picture with cat photos, either. I often use online dating in conjunction with matchmaking, so I like to draw parallels between online dating profiles and meeting for the first time in real life. Picture the situation: you are a male cat owner, and you're at a bar. You meet a woman, and what is the first thing that comes out of your mouth? Probably not, "I have a cat!"

It's more likely the situation would play out with you revealing organically in a conversation that you, indeed, own a cat. On the other hand, actively hiding that you have a cat is a red flag and suggests pet ownership may not be the only thing about which you're lying. When it comes to online dating, I don't believe you must disclose that you own a cat in your profile like you would your single status, but I think cat ownership is a relevant detail you should be forthcoming about when you start dating.

If, after reading this study, you still want to include a picture of you with your cat in your online dating profile, then more power to you. Go for it. Owning a cat doesn't mean no woman will want to go out with you, only ones who dislike cats or, cat-egorically, hate them, in which case you wouldn't want to date those women anyway. 

Whether you like dogs, cats, or pistachio ice cream, your online dating profile should be an accurate representation of who you are. If owning a cat is an integral part of your identity that you'd like to share, you should be proud to share it. Not to mention, Jon Arbuckle, Garfield's owner, met the love of his life as a result of cat ownership—he first dated veterinarian, Dr. Liz Wilson, in the comic strip and got engaged to her in the live-action film, "Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties," years later.

Who knows, the purr-fect Hollywood ending may be in store for you, too. 

Here’s Why You May Be Suffering From Dating Burnout

It’s human nature to notice patterns. You see patterns in all aspects of your life—in what you eat, how you dress, and, if you’ve chosen to read this article, how you date. Swipe right on a dating profile, text for about a week or so (which is more time-intensive than you’d think), plan a date, meet, see each other for a little while, and then…start again. Maybe you found that you and your match have different long-term goals, your work schedules don’t coincide, or you never felt a spark between you. Whatever the reason, the result is the same: you invested too much time, and now the relationship is over. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Our ability to notice patterns has a downside. We love patterns—until we hate them. When we do the same thing over and over again, we get bored. We get frustrated, especially when dating online. Eventually, every swipe and message feels like a chore, like making your bed or doing the dishes. You keep dating, but the expended energy always amounts to nothing. Here you are, swiping and swiping, however many weeks, months, even years later. You think, what’s the point?

If this sounds all too familiar to you, you may be suffering from dating burnout. The problem is dating burnout creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The longer you feel burned out, the longer you date unsuccessfully, leading to even more fatigue. So how do you break the pattern? Ask yourself these three questions first.

Does your dating pendulum swing left or right?

When you’re first out of a relationship, marriage, or are widowed, you’re healing. Too often, though, the knee-jerk response is to date before you’re ready. You either date fast and furious, matching and dating everyone in sight without rhyme or reason (pendulum right). Or do the opposite: dip your toe in the dating pool ever so slightly and get nothing in return (pendulum left).

While these extremes seem to be at odds with one another, what they have in common is that each increases the risk of dating burnout. With either approach, you get little reward, if any, in return. What you get, instead, is further pain. That’s no reason to date. Dating should be exciting because it’s filled with possibilities. If your pendulum is swinging too far in either direction, you’re sure to miss them. 

Are you a sure and steady dater?

Once you’ve taken the time to heal, how will you know you’re ready to date again? The truth is no one will ever be 100 percent ready, but you do need to have your head on your shoulders and not be overly emotional. This way, you can read the signs. Is this person right or wrong for me? Am I able to spot red flags? Most importantly, am I willing to walk away from red flags? Or am I so desperate for attention and love that I’ll overlook which qualities in a match are most important to me?

One way to check yourself is to write your prospective dating profile out on a piece of paper. Are you talking about yourself as you are today? Do you recognize this person? If you feel confident in the way you sound on paper and that you’re ready to look for your match with purpose, then it might be time for you to put that profile to work online. But not before asking yourself the most important question of all.

Are you vulnerable in your head or your heart?

When you’re damaged, you’re vulnerable in your head, which keeps your heart closed to others. It’s dangerous because it means you have low self-esteem. You harbor the belief you’re somehow inferior and unlovable. You date down. You settle, which only leads to more heartache.

When you’re vulnerable in your heart but not your head, you’re willing to weigh and take a calculated emotional risk. You know how to date multiple people to find what you want and understand the numbers are on your side. You know limiting choices only leads to settling, and it’s smart to be methodical and compare. Best of all, with your vulnerabilities in check, you have the strength to walk away from the wrong person because your heart is open to meeting the right person. 

Final words

Dating is about balance. Though putting yourself out there is always a risk, you can make it a calculated one. So when you do fall, it will be in love, and into the open arms of someone who loves you.

Good News for Sports Fans: They Get More Attention Online, Says New Study

Forget politics — Trump who? Which sports team you root for could actually be the detail in your dating profile that pulls you apart or, even better, brings you together. While writing a client’s dating profile for her last week after she filled out my lifestyle questionnaire and we discussed at length what she’s looking for in a partner, she suggested I mention her bravado for college football, specifically her love of Michigan football. “There is nothing like going to a Michigan football game in the big house,” she explained to me. And she would like nothing more than to find a guy who is interested in cheering the team on with her. Mission accomplished: I crafted a unique dating profile just for her, beginning with her love for the Wolverines and lack of it (wink, wink) for Buckeyes fans.  

My client, it appears, might be on to something. A recent study conducted by the dating website Zoosk found that dating profiles mentioning certain sports received as much as 111 percent more messages than profiles that didn’t. Though the data provided by Zoosk to the writers over at the datemix didn’t include college sports specifically, a trend was definitely clear: singles connect over sports.  

 According to the study, the most popular sports for online daters was NBA basketball in first place with a 111 percent message increase rate, MLB baseball right behind with a 108 percent increase in messages, and rugby in third with an 86 percent increased rate of messages. The sport that saw the smallest increase in messages was MLS soccer, but even that sport saw a 55 percent increase in messages, which is not insubstantial. 

The takeaway? Regardless of the sport you like, it may be beneficial for you to include it in your online dating bio, as, according to the study, including a favorite sports team may increase your number of messages by a significant margin, even if your sport of choice is less popular than others. That said, if you are not interested in sports, I do not think you should pretend to be someone you are not. In the end, you are searching for your match — hopefully, for the long haul. If someone matches with you for the explicit reason of your sports team of choice and finds out you actually don’t like that sport or sports at all, then it will be much harder for you to cultivate a meaningful relationship, if one at all. Most people aren’t fans of liars, no matter how small the lie and a healthy relationship is only as strong as its foundation. I recommend applying this philosophy to any other aspect of your identity, such as your age, height, religion, or even your favorite songs and movies. 

Your goal should be quality, not quantity. If you are inauthentic in your bio, you may get more first dates, but not as many second dates. However, if you are genuine in your bio, you will inevitably experience more success in making lasting matches, even if you receive fewer total matches. And if you are like my client who happens to be super passionate about Michigan football, then more power to you. Your passion will radiate through your bio and attract other Michigan fans. If not, there is no need to fret. 

The takeaway of this survey is not to make yourself like sports; it is to underscore the reality that interests beyond the fundamental aspects of your identity are assets in creating a compelling bio. Even if you do not like sports, you need to think about what makes you unique and relatable. Sample questions: Favorite book? Movie? Musician? Like the sports survey, I would wager that the case is people who include interests and quirks in their bios are more likely to hit a home run in their match’s mind than those who don’t. So how about getting out there and playing the field? 

Think Coronavirus Had Slowed Cheating? Think Again

Much as we don't like to think about it, cheating is prevalent among American couples. According to a study by the American Psychological Association, infidelity occurs in about 20 percent to 40 percent of American marriages. In other words, one to two couples out of five is involved with a partner who has a wandering eye. But what happens when a pandemic strikes and the ability to cheat becomes hampered?

Thanks to COVID-19 and the resultant social distancing measures presently in place to stop its spread, logic should dictate that cheating is off the table, at least for the time being. After all, how can you cheat on your spouse or partner if you're not supposed to leave the house and must stay at least six feet away from others if you do?

As it appears, counter intuitively, coronavirus has done little to curtail cheating. And it's not like singles didn't already have plenty of reason to worry either. Pre-pandemic, meeting people online already spoken for by someone else or discovering that a trusted partner has engaged or is engaging in some extracurricular activity was commonplace. But when it comes to cheating, where there's a will, there's a way. Not even a global health crisis could stop it.

Paul Keable, Ashley Madison's chief strategy officer, revealed recently in an interview with Venture Beat that the dating site specifically created to facilitate cheating has had an average of 17,000 new users a day as of late March, up from 15,500 new users in 2019. Moreover, the site has reported that 30 percent of women using the site are conducting their affairs digitally, exploring cybersex instead of physical.

Ashley Madison is not the only site to have experienced an increase in usage. Even dating sites not intended for affairs have experienced an uptick in users, possibly married ones. Speaking with InStyle, a New York City female who uses dating apps, reported seeing an increase in men she suspects are married or in a relationship. Whether or not her suspicions are justified, OkCupid does report seeing a 10 percent rise in overall usage and Bumble an 84 percent increase in the use of video chat and call features. At the end of June, Tinder, too, will release a video-chatting feature to help its users date remotely (and privately), leaving single daters with the task of discerning more than ever before which matches are viable, beginning with whether they are available to date in the first place.

As a seasoned matchmaker who has employed online dating as part of my unique hybrid-style search strategy, I have lots of experience vetting matches to ensure they are suitable (and available) to meet my clients' long term goals. In particular, what I have found is that to see a red flag, you have to open yourself up to see it. That's not to say you must go in believing everyone you meet is cheating. No way! To do so would be self-defeating. But what you should do is acknowledge that, especially when couples are sheltering in place, there will be some characters, let's just say, not acting with your best interests at heart. So do your homework! Conduct some online research of your own via Google and social media, and sprinkle in a little old-fashioned Q&A. When you finish, note any inconsistencies you find. Is your match who he or she claims to be?

 Don't be afraid to bounce your findings off of friends, or a professional matchmaker like me, who has pretty much witnessed it all. The most important observation of which is that, even in the worst of times, my extensive client base of eligible women and men in various age groups and locations across the country who are seeking an honest connection shows me that love is out there, waiting for you. The question is: are you ready to put in the work to find it?

The Political Climate Is Hurting Relationships…but for Some More than Others, Says New Study

Preface: our current political climate has become hyperpolarized, and since the 2016 election, this polarization has seeped into dating. Before the election, and in my experience as a matchmaker, few people listed politics as a dealbreaker, instead citing other aspects of a match's identity such as religion, lifestyle, children, and geographic distance. Post-election, however, politics all of a sudden became a yuuge deal. 

 I think this is a tragedy. As a matchmaker, I believe the idea that people fit together like puzzle pieces is misleading. Instead, I think about matchmaking as I do cooking. Some ingredients work better together than others; some come together to create a scrumptious, salivating meal, and others, well, don't. In other words, there is no such thing as being a 100 percent match for somebody else, and that while matches must be compatible, there will always be some issue about which matches must compromise. In the matchmaking industry, that issue has historically been politics. 

 Under the current administration, however, political leaning has become the ultimate dealbreaker for many, which says to me, people could be missing out on an otherwise ideal match. Of course, I respect the wishes of my clients; a dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. But, having worked in the field of matchmaking for almost three decades, I understand it wasn't always the case that people viewed those of the opposing political party as immoral or closed-minded as they do now, according to a new Pew Research study. 

 According to the research, Democrats are less willing to date people who voted for Donald Trump than Republicans willing to date those who voted for Hillary Clinton. The study reveals that 71 percent of Democrats probably or definitely would not consider seriously dating someone who voted for Trump. In comparison, 47 percent of Republicans probably or definitely would not consider dating someone who voted for Hillary. Both of these numbers are significant, meaning that nearly two in four Republicans wouldn't date a Hillary voter, and roughly three in four Democrats wouldn't date a Trump voter. What these statistics amount to are a whole lot of people who won't date each other based on political leaning alone.  

 So, why does this matter? As a matchmaker, I have watched the dating topography change and continually use my observations to fit the needs of my clients. Meaning, with the information—the factual data—I have, I can assess dating trends from a third-person perspective that my clients, who are directly dating, may not be able to, and underscore what effect such patterns can have on their love life. 

 We hear the word "politics" thrown around all the time. But what we don't often do is sit down and think about its etymological origin. The root of this word is "polis," which is Greek for city, community, and, most importantly, citizens. I believe in recent years this meaning has been lost on us: yes, we associate politics with government, but, fundamentally, politics is about people on a micro-level. "We the People" control the government; however, the hyperpartisanship of the government and our country fundamentally comes from within us as individuals. Hence, the rise of people who refuse to date otherwise ideal matches simply because they voted for the opposition candidate. 

 As a matchmaker, I find myself in a peculiar yet unique position of helping to reduce hyperpartisanship in my beloved country. I obviously can't force my clients to date people who voted for the opposite candidate, nor would I want to, but I can at least make my case to them to keep an open mind and consider dating a match of the opposing political party.  

 By doing so, daters could potentially expose themselves to the people behind the views, individuals they may in time grow to care more deeply about after recognizing that having beliefs about particular policies doesn't make someone "bad." They could then take that understanding back to their communities and, from there, change our country for the better by becoming more inclusive and receptive to having thought-provoking and respectful conversations about issues affecting all of us. And, perhaps, be just a little nicer to one other, even when we don't agree. 

No, Coronavirus Will Not Change the Face of Dating

I received a call from one of my clients the other day. More than a month into her state's stay-at-home order as a result of the coronavirus pandemic, she was upset. All she's been reading and hearing about is how singles around the country are having unprecedented success on dating apps and sites and attending virtual meetups and happy hours over Zoom and Google Hangouts. Supposedly, singles all over the place are sharing candlelight dinners, watching movies, and playing Scrabble with their love interests. "Who are these people," she asked me, "because I haven't met them."

My client isn't alone in her frustration. Despite article after article in the media, each depicting a virtual new normal that's here to stay and the implication it's a satisfactory substitute for human contact, this hasn't been the experience for many. It's been the opposite. A friend on social media, cheered on by married friends to virtually "get out there" because it's probably a great time to meet a (soul)mate given we're all a captive audience, said it would seem so, but it hasn't happened. She reported men aren't logging in as much to their usual online dating haunts, and when a conversation does start, it drops off. Without the prospect of being able to meet in person, there doesn't appear to be much incentive.

Another client of mine put out feelers to her Facebook community of singles about pulling together a Zoom mixer, only to face limited interest amid a comment from a single dad about preferring to use the time in quarantine to enjoy his kids rather than date. The reason, I believe, is that no matter how much we want to believe it, there's no replacement for human interaction, even in the short-term. Think about it. When you match online or receive an introduction from a friend or matchmaker, you want to go offline as quickly as possible. You exchange a few emails or texts, talk on the phone once or twice, and then meet in person to see if there's any chemistry. If none exists, you part ways, hopefully, better for the experience. 

However, with all of us in isolation, a necessary response to the current crisis, we must also consider the problems prolonged virtual dating creates for those looking for companionship and, eventually, love. By remaining online too long, you risk creating connections that aren't real or would be worth maintaining if there were no global pandemic. Or you find yourself reaching out to anyone and everyone because you're lonely and bored, then staying connected for the same reasons. Or you begin idealizing a new match because you want them to be everything you desire during this difficult time. It's why I think the single guy who said he preferred focusing on his family rather than attending an online mixer is onto something. Instead of looking to create superficial connections now, he'd rather spend this time strengthening his existing ones, thereby strengthening himself for the long haul, which includes his dating life. 

Coronavirus continues to touch us in ways only a couple of months ago we could have never anticipated. Just last week, my 77-year-old uncle passed away as a result of this horrific illness, prompting me, like everyone else, to even further re-evaluate what it is I want from my life once we emerge from our homes. We have all lost so much because of this experience. But there is one important thing we have gained, and that is time, time to reflect on what is important to us and what will bring depth to our lives.

Don't sell yourself short, settling for what isn't real. The best is still yet to come — if you're patient enough to work and wait for it.