As COVID-19 continues to spread and the pandemic looms on, it seems many couples are discovering another contagion in their lives — divorce. Couples are trapped at home together for months on end, so it’s not surprising that divorce rates around the world are on the rise. That said, the quarantine doesn’t have to spell divorce for you and your significant other. That is if you’re both willing to commit to saving your marriage.
From arguments about when to wear a mask or how to handle kids or teens going out to divvying up household chores, there’s often more deep-seated issues underlying a dispute. Address those head-on, and instead of fighting with your partner, you can give your marriage a fighting chance. Here’s how.
Listen to your partner’s thoughts about COVID-19.
As with any disagreement, resolving COVID-19-related conflicts requires mutual respect and understanding. In a pandemic especially, where health and wellbeing are at stake, it’s understandable to feel strongly about your position. To keep the peace and come to a resolution, hit the pause button. Then listen to what your partner has to say.
Though you may continue to disagree after hearing their perspective, you can help your relationship by allowing your partner to communicate what they’re thinking and feeling. You may even decide to give a little on some sticking points after hearing them out. More about that later. The key is to listen, really listen. How else can you expect to reach a mutual understanding?
Don’t dismiss what your spouse is saying or feeling.
After giving your partner the floor, don’t shelve his or her thoughts and feelings. There’s more to healthy communication than just listening. Take time to process their opinions and incorporate what your partner is saying into your thought process.
If your partner habitually dismissed you, you wouldn’t feel valued by them. Nor would you feel like you had any power in the relationship. Nothing contributes to the collapse of a marriage faster than feeling unheard, so it’s essential to keep the lines of communication open during every discussion — even the ones about COVID-19.
Be respectful, even if you don’t agree.
Suppose you still disagree with your partner’s perspective on how to tackle a particular issue. The way you phrase your argument is critical here.
Instead of saying, “You’re stupid for thinking this,” say something along the lines of “Well, I think this.” When debating an issue, stick to the facts. Once you resort to personal attacks, the argument will escalate, and you will be putting your relationship in jeopardy.
Compromise (figure out what you can give a little on).
You can’t always win or lose in a relationship. Instead, you need to be able to meet somewhere in the middle on specific issues. A COVID-19-related example would be that you want to go out for dinner, but your partner is hesitant to take the risk.
Perhaps you can come up with a scenario that works for both of you, like agreeing to order in and heat the food up in the oven for an additional few minutes. Or choose a restaurant with outdoor dining and tables spaced apart enough so that your partner feels comfortable.
I am a staunch believer in compromise. Relationships require negotiation, and sometimes you need to give in on some issues to maximize happiness. That includes your own.
Ask yourself if your disputes are about COVID-19 or something more profound.
Sometimes a conflict is surface level, such as whether to order Italian or Chinese food for dinner. But sometimes disputes are brought about by an underlying conflict. In this instance, you want Italian food, and your partner wants Chinese. But they will not budge no matter what you say, which always seems to happen in your relationship.
The inability to compromise indicates the presence of an underlying conflict. Perhaps your partner feels unheard in other areas of your relationship. Or they are angry about something else and behaving passive-aggressively as a result.
With healthy communication or potentially even marriage and relationship counseling, you can tackle these problems while you have the time to, particularly since you’re spending more time at home anyhow. In other words, put your time together to good use.
Determine if your marriage is worth saving.
It may not feel like it now, but the coronavirus crisis will eventually come to an end. Ultimately, the conflicts you have about whether it’s safe to go out for dinner, go for a walk without a mask, or which candidate you will vote for in the upcoming election will fade. When that happens, ask yourself, “What will remain of my relationship?”
If the answer is, “The love and respect I have for my partner and the life we’ve built together,” then get to work. If your marriage is sick but worth saving, take steps to protect it, just as you would when you go outside now. Pandemic or not, good health begins at home.