I received a call from one of my clients the other day. More than a month into her state's stay-at-home order as a result of the coronavirus pandemic, she was upset. All she's been reading and hearing about is how singles around the country are having unprecedented success on dating apps and sites and attending virtual meetups and happy hours over Zoom and Google Hangouts. Supposedly, singles all over the place are sharing candlelight dinners, watching movies, and playing Scrabble with their love interests. "Who are these people," she asked me, "because I haven't met them."
My client isn't alone in her frustration. Despite article after article in the media, each depicting a virtual new normal that's here to stay and the implication it's a satisfactory substitute for human contact, this hasn't been the experience for many. It's been the opposite. A friend on social media, cheered on by married friends to virtually "get out there" because it's probably a great time to meet a (soul)mate given we're all a captive audience, said it would seem so, but it hasn't happened. She reported men aren't logging in as much to their usual online dating haunts, and when a conversation does start, it drops off. Without the prospect of being able to meet in person, there doesn't appear to be much incentive.
Another client of mine put out feelers to her Facebook community of singles about pulling together a Zoom mixer, only to face limited interest amid a comment from a single dad about preferring to use the time in quarantine to enjoy his kids rather than date. The reason, I believe, is that no matter how much we want to believe it, there's no replacement for human interaction, even in the short-term. Think about it. When you match online or receive an introduction from a friend or matchmaker, you want to go offline as quickly as possible. You exchange a few emails or texts, talk on the phone once or twice, and then meet in person to see if there's any chemistry. If none exists, you part ways, hopefully, better for the experience.
However, with all of us in isolation, a necessary response to the current crisis, we must also consider the problems prolonged virtual dating creates for those looking for companionship and, eventually, love. By remaining online too long, you risk creating connections that aren't real or would be worth maintaining if there were no global pandemic. Or you find yourself reaching out to anyone and everyone because you're lonely and bored, then staying connected for the same reasons. Or you begin idealizing a new match because you want them to be everything you desire during this difficult time. It's why I think the single guy who said he preferred focusing on his family rather than attending an online mixer is onto something. Instead of looking to create superficial connections now, he'd rather spend this time strengthening his existing ones, thereby strengthening himself for the long haul, which includes his dating life.
Coronavirus continues to touch us in ways only a couple of months ago we could have never anticipated. Just last week, my 77-year-old uncle passed away as a result of this horrific illness, prompting me, like everyone else, to even further re-evaluate what it is I want from my life once we emerge from our homes. We have all lost so much because of this experience. But there is one important thing we have gained, and that is time, time to reflect on what is important to us and what will bring depth to our lives.
Don't sell yourself short, settling for what isn't real. The best is still yet to come — if you're patient enough to work and wait for it.