When you're looking at online profiles and come across what you would call the "perfect match," and, especially, once you get to talking and dating, do you ever have the feeling this person is into you, too? Or, conversely, when you're uninterested, do you automatically conclude this person isn't into you either? If you can relate, you're in good company. Hollywood even made the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" based on Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo's book with the same title about the uncertainty we feel and misconceptions we have when dating.
Researchers have taken an interest in this phenomenon, as well. For a long time, they have documented in various studies that men tend to overestimate women's sexual interest in them. However, researchers cannot pinpoint the exact reason why this seems to be the case. One such theory has been that men's overinflated perception of female interest functioned as an evolutionary adaptation: it's only logical that men who overestimate women's sexual interest are more likely to survive and reproduce. Because a man who thinks a woman is interested in him is more likely to pursue her than a man who believes she's disinterested.
Furthermore, studies have demonstrated the phenomenon of men overestimating women's sexual interest, as well as the inverse phenomenon of women underestimating men's sexual interest. Researchers also suggested this pattern functioned as an evolutionary adaptation: just as men benefit from overestimating women's sexual interest, women benefit from underestimating men's sexual interest. If a woman chooses the wrong man to trust, she loses more in the long run than the woman who holds out for the right man.
However, some researchers have noticed that the difference between the sexes becomes insignificant when they take factors such as an individual's sociosexual orientation (defined as the willingness to engage in sexual activity outside a committed relationship) and his or her own level of sexual interest into consideration as a reason why different individuals rate their potential partners' sexual interest the way they do. These findings challenge the long-held notion of evolutionary adaptation being the driving factor in why men overestimate women's sexual interest, and women underestimating men's sexual interest.
In a new study published in Psychological Science, researchers recruited 1,226 participants, 586 men and 640 women with a median age of 19, all of whom identified as heterosexual, not in a serious relationship, and willing to answer questions about their sexual history honestly. After completing a questionnaire of their rated attractiveness and demographic information, participants met members of the opposite sex, had a three-minute conversation, and rated the person they paired with for various traits. The researches then asked the participants to rank the perceived sexual interest of their partners.
The researchers found that there was not a significant correlation between the gender of the participant and the ranking of the partner's perceived sexual interest, as previously theorized. Instead, the participants' own sexual interest was significant in determining the sexual interest of partners. In other words, the researchers concluded that people tend to harbor the following bias: "I like you, so you must like me."
As a matchmaker, I find this conclusion groundbreaking because it challenges the notion that there's an inherent difference between men and women and how they perceive each other's interest on a societal scale. Instead, the study puts many assumptions that matchmakers such as myself would believe to be intuitive, such as the tendency to view dating on a macro level, under the microscope. More specifically, as the study suggests, the questionable belief that men, in general, will assume women they like are into them.
Taking into consideration this new perspective, I additionally look at matches from the micro-level. Meaning, I analyze the way my clients rank the potential attraction of matches, and from there, better gauge both my clients' and their matches' possible interest. By factoring in clients' cognitive bias of attraction (if a client appears predisposed to believing a match shares the same romantic or sexual interest), as a third party, I offer a clearer image of a match's viability and help my clients achieve their long-term romantic goals.
Using cutting-edge psychology, I prepare my clients to take the dating world by storm while also helping them improve their self-awareness. If my clients feel inclined to come on too strong (or not strong enough), they're able to press the pause button and reassess the situation: is he/she into me, just not that into me, or am I projecting? From there, my clients can act accordingly — match or move on — this time, from a position of confidence and strength, by far the best predictor for relationship success of all.