Coronavirus Can Make You a Better Dater. Here's How.

Coronavirus and its accompanying social distancing practices have altered how we date. For now, all relationships are effectively long-distance if you don't live under the same roof. However, some experts are going so far as to claim dating will fundamentally, permanently change once the pandemic ends. The implication is that singles will become different, whether in terms of how they physically relate (including an end to hookup culture) or the type of relationship they will want.

Again, I can see why some dating experts would reach this conclusion. In an earlier blog post, I, too, raised the possibility that people will emerge from isolation more open to commitment. However, to clarify, I raised the possibility. Some people may indeed feel more inclined to settle down following this experience. Others, I believe, may emerge from isolation the same as they were before, eager to make up for lost time. It all depends on what you want.

While COVID-19 has impacted the social climate of our society, I don't believe it has the power to shatter its foundation. External forces can, however, challenge people to change by providing them with opportunity. First, though, you have to want to change. By transforming yourself into the person you always wanted to be, you can become a more likable version of yourself, to others and to you. Now is your chance to improve your life, which can improve your love life in a post-coronavirus world. Here's how.

Evaluate your priorities.

I am not talking about your priorities, as in who you want to date (although it's better to have those priorities in order than not). I am referring to who you want to be as a person. You are stuck at home right now, just you and your thoughts. It can be unpleasant, so try engaging in an internal conversation with yourself. Give your unconscious the chance to reveal itself. I think this is your best bet at figuring out who you are, as well as who you want to be. These two people may be different. The first step of self-improvement is opening yourself up to the idea. The second step is determining which aspects of yourself you hope to improve to achieve an authentic, meaningful sense of happiness.

Fix those aspects of your life that are not making you happy.

People generally don't like to be around miserable people, so if you are unhappy with certain aspects of your life, you may experience difficulties in achieving your matchmaking goals. It makes sense then that while you have the time, you should fix those aspects of your life which are causing you unhappiness. Consider yourself out of excuses. Clean your house, manage your finances, sort out your love life, resolve your family issues, and improve your mental health (if necessary, see a professional online). Do what you need to do to smile and mean it.

Help others.

In the pre-pandemic world, it was easy to remark, "Oh, I should help out more," and then do nothing because we were too busy or someone else's troubles didn't affect us directly. With thousands of lives already lost, that landscape has changed. We are not as busy, nor are any of us insulated from this health crisis. 

Sew masks, raise money for supplies, prepare food, or do whatever else you can think of to aid others. You will feel happier as a result of your beneficence because it is uplifting to do for others. The transformation will likewise make you more appealing to long-term dating prospects simply because you have added depth and meaning to your life.  

Don't use unemployment as an excuse.

In regular times, unemployment is often a deterrent to dating, whether it is because of cash flow issues or low self-esteem or both. But, in the case of the current global pandemic, you won't need to spend money on dates because of the sheer fact you are not supposed to leave your home. Not to mention, unemployment doesn't have quite the same stigma as it does typically. Many people are in the same boat as you, so go easy on yourself if you are unemployed. Honesty is still the best policy. Be raw and open. Make a real connection. 

Give love.

We get what we give in this world, and if you are hoping to find love and affection, that may be just what you need to offer. Consider adopting a pet: nothing teaches you to care about something other than yourself quite like a cat or dog. Plus, adoption will get you off the couch and away from Netflix.

Better yet, consider "adopting" a family or individual who could use a helping hand. Many people are lonely and struggling and in need of compassion and emotional support. By merely picking up the phone, you may, in addition to improving someone's day, discover a lifelong friend who will bring you love and support some time in the future. Should there also exist a need you can meet, such as the preparation of a meal or throwing a few products into your cart during a real or virtual shopping trip, do it. Small gestures can make a huge difference.

Regardless of how you show it, the end goal is love, so why not make the world around you more loving? More than any virus, an overarching sense that we are all connected is what is contagious.

Coronavirus and Dating: What Should You Be Chatting About?

With the continued spread of COVID-19, it seems the world has ground to a halt, and the only thing to talk about is the coronavirus. When you speak to friends, they likely lead with how they are coping with social distancing and staying at home all the time. Honestly, can you blame them? We are in the midst of a crisis.

It seems logical then that while you are talking to a potential match you met online, you should discuss the coronavirus. After all, we are facing this global pandemic together. Every one of us has a unique experience and our take on the matter and, despite claiming to be bored of talking about the coronavirus all the time, can still manage to talk about it endlessly. Don't fall victim to that temptation. 

Build your relationship on a solid foundation. 

The most defining aspect of a crisis is that it reflects a finite moment in time, even though it may not feel like it at the moment. If I was a betting woman, basing your relationship on a crisis and then expecting it to survive once the crisis is over is probably not a good bet. Think of Keanu Reeves' character, Jack, in "Speed." He and Sandra Bullock's character, Annie, are brought together on a hijacked bus. In "Speed 2: Cruise Control," he is nowhere to be found (and not just because the script was so bad). 

Why? The foundation of their relationship was that they experienced a crisis together. But, once the crisis was averted, what did they have in common? What was keeping them together? Not much. It may not look like it right now, but the coronavirus pandemic will not last forever. Eventually, we will flatten the curve, and people will go about our lives.

If you do begin a relationship with someone by bonding over the coronavirus, all may be well and good, as long as you remain in crisis mode, that is. But once the crisis is over, what will be left to keep you together? Are your personalities compatible? What about your interests? Your long-term goals?

Get to know each other.

A better way to approach online dating would be to discuss anything but the coronavirus, except for perhaps a brief initial exchange about what you have been up to while waiting it out. Moving on from it to other topics of conversation can be difficult at first, especially if your match wants to discuss it ad nauseam. But I would make the argument that the first conversations you have are the most critical to the establishment of a relationship. The success of these conversations will determine if you move forward, even if it is over FaceTime, and for how long.

If you and your potential match talk about the coronavirus regularly, it will become the foundation of your relationship; it will be what bonds you together. The problem with doing so is everybody is going through the same crisis, meaning you could establish a relationship with pretty much anybody. And you are not anybody. There's plenty of fish in the sea, but only a few matches suitable for your long-term goals. Even in these tough times, you should be going for quality, not quantity.

Focus on the future.

When social distancing ends, and you do decide to meet in person, discussions about coronavirus will only take you so far, and likely not far. Then what? You have nothing keeping you together, and if you haven't gotten to know each other's likes and dislikes and what you both stand for, at least a little, you may very well find you have nothing in common. After which you — and your match — will be nowhere to be found.

Instead, conduct yourself online as if there is no virus; it only exists to prevent you from meeting up, for the time being, and nothing more. Discuss your long-term goals (about dating and in general) and get to know each other's core personality traits and interests, as you would normally. Give these conversations a chance to grow, along with the possibility of enjoying a healthy relationship beyond the virus.

We have all heard how risky it can be to discuss religion, money, and politics with people we don't know well, including a dating prospect, because we can sound offputting. For now, you should add coronavirus to the list, but not so much because you don't want to offend someone (although you could), but more so because you don't want to establish your relationship on it, only to have it collapse later. 

As we all know, a good relationship is only as strong as its foundation, and with all of our cooperation, we will kick this virus to the curb. So stay safe, healthy, and focused on your future — one with love, not coronavirus, in it. 

Coronavirus Interrupted My New Relationship. What Should I Do?

Set the scene: after scavenging online dating sites and working with a matchmaker such as myself, searching for the person who has the same long term goals as you, you finally find said person. You go out on a few dates, and all is well, and you let yourself think, "Wow. Things are going great. I'm happy!" Then boom, out of nowhere, COVID-19 emerges as a worldwide pandemic, forcing you to self-isolate at home and ask: "What should I do about my new relationship?" Before I advise what you should do, I must first make clear what you shouldn't do.

Do not move in together.

Taking such a significant step so soon in a relationship is a disaster waiting to happen. It is possible one (or both) of you will get spooked by the overwhelming commitment of sharing a living space and being unable to escape considering the demands of social distancing. It is also possible you learn you are incompatible or that you actually can't stand each other. Or worse: that the person you are living with is abusive. Then what? Depending on where you live, you may not be able to leave.

For many people, taking this step is unfeasible anyway. If you have children, for example, you would probably be unable (and, hopefully, unwilling) to relocate your family to move in with someone you do not know that well. What about if you presently share your space with a roommate? Would that person be O.K. with you adding someone new to the household or leaving them high and dry for new digs? 

Even if you don't have children, how exactly would the logistics of moving work? Packing up an entire house or apartment by yourself is extremely difficult under ordinary circumstances. Moreover, depending on your situation, how would you expect to sell, sublet, or re-let your home on short notice and during a pandemic no less? I don't know many real estate agents who would be willing to take the unnecessary risk of visiting strangers' homes or hosting open houses. Virtual tours only go so far. 

In a nutshell, if you are thinking about living together to save your new relationship, stop. For most of us, moving during a pandemic doesn't make sense and, even if you were living in last month's world, moving in with one another would probably have destroyed your relationship anyway because it was too soon. "So, now what?" you ask. "Does this mean the coronavirus will ruin my chance at happiness?" Thankfully, no.

You don't need to break up.

Saying that the coronavirus sucks is an understatement, but that doesn't mean you should let it destroy all that is good in the world, including your new relationship. Think about it this way: are you cutting off all of your friends because you won't be able to see them for the time being? I certainly hope not. So why should you break off your new relationship just when things are going so well? The short answer is you shouldn't. But you do need to make a few adjustments.

Apply the rules of social distancing to your relationship.

First, check with the decrees of the area in which you live. If you live in a more rural area, it may be in your interest to go out for walks together (six feet apart from each other, of course!). However, if you live in a major metropolitan area such as New York City, going outside might not be feasible for you right now.

The reality is you will very possibly end up treating your relationship like it is a long-distance one, even if you only live around the block from each other. It will require you to be more creative with date ideas, as they would all have to take place online. Off the top of my head, you could watch a movie together over Skype, play trivia games together if you have gaming consoles, start a book club, or, if you want to get more intimate, you could experiment over the phone. Enough said there.

I won't lie: a digital long-distance relationship is not going to be the same as one in the physical world, but, given the strange and extreme circumstances surrounding COVID-19, you don't have a choice in the matter. This global health crisis need not be permanent and, in the scheme of things, will be short-lived if we do what we are supposed to and all work together. If your relationship is meant to be, it will persevere. Love is worth the wait.

Coronavirus, Single, and Dating: How Will I Ever Meet Anyone During a Pandemic?

With the spread of Covid-19 or coronavirus, the words "social distancing," "isolation," and "quarantine" have swallowed up every aspect of our lives—physically, socially, and financially. The irony of our new solitary lifestyle is that not one of us has been untouched by this dreadful virus. Now when I take a walk around my neighborhood by myself or with a member of my immediate family, everyone just seems a little kinder. The recognition that we're all in this together has become a unifying aspect of our lives. From six feet away, that is. 

Physical isolation vs. social isolation.

There's a catch, though: with all of this physical isolation, we need to be careful not to retreat socially. For singles, especially those who live alone, this may prove even more tricky, which is why I don't want you to isolate yourself in every sense of the word. But before I elaborate, let me clarify my position: physical isolation is a necessary sacrifice we all must make. Listen to the recommendations and regulations of your local as well as federal governments. In a purely physical sense, you should practice social distancing, meaning that you should not go out unless strictly necessary. Period. 

Still, boredom remains an underrated source of anguish for many. We often believe, in our typically busy lives, that we crave free time, but many people keep themselves busy as a coping mechanism, especially for loneliness. If we're too busy to ruminate over our demons, we never have to confront our problems. Coronavirus has temporarily robbed us of that coping mechanism. Now, all we can do is our best to busy ourselves by reading and working from home. But here's the problem with boredom; it's unavoidable, like, ultimately, our problems.

Social isolation and loneliness work in a positive feedback loop. And by positive, I don't mean in a good way. I mean positive in that they reinforce each other. Here's how it goes: As a result of physical isolation, you inadvertently socially isolate because reaching out takes effort, which you've never before had to make. Over time, you become depressed because of the lack of interaction, whereupon you withdraw further, leaving you feeling even more lonely and depressed than you did before. It's a messy and terrible situation, with more and more people facing such a downward spiral every day. Fortunately, it doesn't have to be this way.

Face your loneliness head-on. 

Thanks to online dating, singles don't have to isolate themselves socially. If you're not in a relationship but wanting to meet someone, now's the perfect time to face your loneliness head-on and set up that online dating profile you've been putting off creating. Time's on your side: you're at home with a lot less to do and an opportunity to craft the perfect profile, find the best lighting to take a dazzling selfie, and "get out there" (figuratively, not literally, of course). That way, when the pandemic eventually ends—and it will—you'll already be in communication with one or a few romantic prospects and ready to take the world by storm.

The best news is you won't be the only one digitizing your dating life. As I already stated, we're all in this together. Millions of singles like you are currently at home, facing the same challenges, and resolving them by getting a jumpstart on their dating lives even though they cannot go on a date. Hey, that's what FaceTime is for, isn't it?. When they do eventually get out of physical isolation, they, too, hope to have a new face waiting for them. What if that face was yours? Straight from the mouth of a professional matchmaker, I'm here to tell you it can be. All you need to do is get online—alone but not lonely.

Coronavirus Will Slow Down Dating and Why This is Good

COVID-19 or coronavirus has reshaped the course of the year in pretty much every respect. The economy is in a tailspin, schools all over the country have shut down, and commodities such as masks and hand sanitizer are all but extinct. Even dating—this is where I come in—has been impacted by the coronavirus. You are (or should be) staying home and practicing "social distancing," making Match or Bumble or whatever dating site or app you're on safe bets because you can't contract the coronavirus digitally. But, as we know, when it comes to dating, messaging can only take you so far. 

Dating someone new, you may think, is out of the question these days. When you would ordinarily want to meet a new romantic interest following a quick interaction online—by grabbing a cup of coffee, a drink, or a quick bite—you can't because to do so would mean risking contracting the coronavirus from a stranger. The danger is very, very real. But the current pandemic doesn't mean you need to stop looking for love. The slowdown may ultimately work to your advantage. Here's how.

Reassess your dating goals.

For a while now, the casual dater has dominated online dating, making it more difficult for people with long-term dating goals to achieve them. The coronavirus, therefore, has a much more significant impact on casual daters because they’re the ones more likely to interact with a more substantial number of people in a shorter period. 

I'm not saying there’s anything wrong with casual dating if that's what you're looking to do. However, casual dating is a thorn in the side of individuals in search of more serious or long-term relationships. Now everybody will have the opportunity to reassess the course of their lives while quarantined. What do you want in a match? A partner?

Combat loneliness. 

A defining factor of social distancing and quarantine is, inevitably, loneliness. Despite some individuals who joke about being "antisocial," humans are inherently social, meaning they require at least some form of meaningful interaction with other people. 

Because the quarantine is shaping up to be long-term and all-encompassing, the loneliness will grow for many. An individual may feel alright spending a couple of days by themselves, but as days turn into weeks, and weeks potentially into months, the loneliness may grow unbearable and fast. That loneliness could peck away at even the most casual of daters and make them crave the substance only a long-term relationship could offer. With other singles in the same boat as you, you have a new playing field.

Connect and virtually date while social distancing and quarantining.

Don't hesitate to reach out by sending that email, making that call, and having that conversation. And then another. And another after that. Brush your hair and your teeth and smile for the camera on FaceTime or Zoom. For the time being, you have all the time in the world. Use it for your benefit.

Aside from talking, play games together online. Scrabble. Trivia. Create a book club with each other. Watch movies. Position your cameras, and in your kitchens, cook and eat dinner together. Clink glasses—virtually. The same can go for walks or pretty much any other activity that comes to mind.

Find that dating light at the end of the tunnel.

Eventually, once the quarantine ends, people will venture off into the outside world with a new view of life (hopefully) and the propensity to make positive changes in their lives. Such changes may come in the form of a passionate search for, well, not only passion but romance. And the realization they want and need someone who loves and understands them for longer than an evening.

I'm forever the optimist, and while the situation of the coronavirus pandemic is stressful and scary, I see a silver lining in the changes it can cause. Singles have a unique opportunity to be introspective, to seek more meaningful connections, and when they find a good one, cultivate it slowly. Until the day comes, in the not so distant future, when they can meet and see where that connection leads. And that is something positive to look forward to—together.

Who Pays on Dates?

Singles today, especially those over 50 and raised with more traditional values, often get confused about who should pay on dates. With women now making up 47% of the workforce, many being the sole breadwinner or highest earner in the home, old assumptions about who is paying for what and for whom have all but gone out the window leaving many singles scratching their heads. 

The problem is even the strongest, most financially independent women sometimes want to feel taken care of, while the most manly of men don't want to feel taken advantage of by always picking up the tab. At the same time, men who earn less than their female counterparts also struggle with how to assert their masculinity in ways other than through their wallets without appearing cheap, while financially well-off women don't want to become victims of financial abuse by men. The result is a lot of missed signals.

As a matchmaker who has been helping women and men find love for nearly three decades, I can help uncross these signals by helping you answer a few simple questions. Here they are.

Who pays on the first date?

Let me keep things simple for you: men should always pay on the first date. Tradition is still tradition, even in the modern age. However, don't take advantage of this tradition or your date. Be prepared for the man who expects to split the check, or maybe even for you to pay. Don't show up without your wallet. As a general rule, always have money on-hand in case of emergencies. But I digress. 

Even if the man does pay for you on the first outing (which, again, I believe he should), as a courtesy, don't make the date expensive. Avoid dinner dates. Instead, do wine. If the date is going well, you could consider ordering an appetizer. But by deliberately being a "cheaper" date, you will do a lot to prevent the man from feeling like you are taking advantage of him.

Who pays after the first date?

This is when situations get murky. Call me old-school, but I believe a man should court a woman. A man should feel like a man, and a woman should feel like a woman.

That said, don't exploit the courting process. Some women like to joke that men are naive or whatever else, but as human beings, we can feel when someone is using us. Yes, that includes men. Being used for your money (or anything else) is a terrible feeling. If you are using your date for expensive meals, he will figure it out. He will feel lousy about himself, and, as a result, he will no longer wish to date you. In short, let the man court you, keeping in mind not every date needs to cost an arm and a leg, nor should it. Wait until you are more comfortable with your date before ordering the surf and turf. 

How can a woman contribute financially early on while still letting a man be a man? 

It's the early stages of dating, and my man has been thoughtful and generous with his time and money, so how can I show my appreciation? There are countless ways, and showing gratitude allows a woman to be creative. Make dinner (if you are comfortable). Get tickets. Pack a picnic lunch and go for a walk or hike. Perhaps pick up the tab for drinks or coffee and dessert.

Doing fun things with and for your date will not only help you express gratitude for him paying for your meals, but it will demonstrate your further interest. He is investing his time and money in you, and by planning fun activities and dates with him, you are investing your time and money, too. On top of it, you will get to know each other better and be able to develop a deeper bond than you ever possibly could over dinner.

Who pays once you are in a relationship?

Now is the time when you set your own rules based on what is comfortable for both of you. Once you are in a relationship, you should talk to your partner about the financial logistics of dating. Just as important as talking to your partner is, you should listen and make compromises as well. Being in a relationship means you need to consider the end game. Are your goals the same? If so, fantastic. Do what works for both of you. If not, you have a lot more important questions to answer than who should pay for dinner.

Should You Ever Lie About Your Age for ‘Search Purposes’ When Using Online Dating?

A rite of passage for online daters is encountering someone who claims to be 49 but, in reality, is 54, 62, or older. This scenario has gone so far as to become a cliché because everyone seems to encounter it at one point or another when dating online. Misleading others on a dating site about age is indeed such a widespread phenomenon that, according to BEDBiBLE.com, 20% of women use older pictures of themselves to look younger and thinner on their profiles. Men, as many of my female clients attest, do the same.

At first thought, this statistic feels disheartening. After all, how can you expect to find love online if basic information such as someone's real age isn't even available to you? Even so, I find this statistic equally fascinating. And, to explain why, let me take you back to what seems like another lifetime ago, before 1991, when online dating wasn't widely available to the public. 

In those days, people typically met each other through friends or at bars. All they had to go on was appearances or being in a shared social circle. The first question that would come out of a suitor's mouth was never, "How old are you?" Proper etiquette dictates never asking someone their age. Instead, people would reveal their age as they dated and got to know each other better.

The landscape today is such that online dating has grown so much in popularity and influence that it is practically unavoidable. On the one hand, online dating opens us up to a host of options we could not have otherwise had, but, paradoxically, closes us off to too many viable options. Dating apps do not allow users to search by age, but the dating sites typically preferable to me, such as Match.com, OkCupid, and JDate, which allow for more description, do. The negative implication? Users will only search for matches within a target age range, meaning men and women, especially over 50, are not included as a potential match for the individuals they want to meet.

Therefore, for the explicit purpose of helping my clients show up in searches so potential matches can find them, I am, in a minimal sense, OK with them lowering their age to fit within the age criteria right beneath their own. I disavow with a passion lying about anything else for any other reason, and I expect my clients to be upfront about their actual age either in the body of their profile or during the first phone call and not a moment later. Here's why.

Dating is like a business. Ultimately, you are advertising yourself to potential "buyers" online. Think of it like this: McDonald's launches ads persuading you to eat their burgers instead of, say, Wendy's. To do this, McDonald's runs persuasive marketing campaigns to reach as many people as they can to sell as many burgers as they can. In business, there are always shades of gray. Anyone who has eaten fast food in real life knows that fast food burgers do not resemble in every detail their advertised counterparts. But many people eat and enjoy them anyway.

Increasing the chances of meeting compatible matches means maximizing the number of people who encounter your profile. As a professional matchmaker utilizing online dating as a tool, I can help you strategize and market yourself and do precisely that. The problem is if no one sees your profile in the first place, I will never have the opportunity.

To circumvent the constraint of not showing up as a potential match, I maintain that the specific case of altering your age for what is, to a viewer, a brief moment in time is permissible on sites employing it as a categorization only because the cutoffs can be so arbitrary. But just as McDonald's does not explicitly lie about its food, you should not lie about your identity. Ever. You are a burger, so own it. There are ethical business practices and unethical business practices. Lying is always wrong. 

Because the purpose of changing your age is solely to have you appear in more searches, I again reiterate how important it is you disclose your real age either in the body of your profile summary or during your first phone call, so that your matches can make an informed decision about whether they would like to meet you. You don't want to waste anybody's time; to do so would put you in the wrong by default. Not to mention, your time is equally as valuable.

Dating is a business like any other. And the bottom line is to achieve your end goal, whatever it may be. That means first understanding your marketplace – including online dating – and the algorithm that underlies it, which may mean temporarily altering your age. 

Fortunately, with a skilled, experienced matchmaker, you won't need to get into all of this nitty-gritty. Leave that to me, and I will help improve your analytics while ultimately marketing you for you. Remember, the truth always comes out in the end, the most important aspect of which is how much you have to offer.

Why Go to a Matchmaker When There’s Online Dating?

When Hodel first sang the words, “Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Make me a match” in the iconic Broadway show, “Fiddler on the Roof,” no audience member could’ve ever envisioned her singing “Matchmaker, Matchmaker/Make me a Match.com.”

Yet, if a 50ish-year-old Hodel was sitting at a bar in New York City’s Meatpacking District or on L.A.’s Sunset Boulevard sipping her Cosmopolitan, she might ever so wistfully be humming that tune. That’s because she believes swipe apps and online dating sites have become her only option for finding love.

Thankfully, she’d be wrong. 

Matchmakers are alive and well these days and more relevant than ever. How do I know? Because I’m a modern-day matchmaker, who’s successfully helped hundreds of women and men find their perfect matches for close to three decades.   

Still, you may be wondering: Why would anyone need a matchmaker when there’s online dating? 

Not only does matchmaking still have a place, but today, the need is stronger than ever. By combining the vast resources of online dating with the expertise and personalization that only an experienced matchmaker like myself can offer, I provide a unique, comprehensive matchmaking service to find you a match who’s right for you.

Here’s what I do.

Clarify your goals.

Are you sure you know what you’re looking for? 

Consider, for a moment, a 55-year-old man with grown children. He wants a partner he can travel with, but he’s only been searching for 35-year-old women who haven’t been married and want kids. It would almost be stating the obvious to claim that he would likely not find success with these types of women because they have clearly different goals. Yet that’s who he continues to date, unsuccessfully. 

Such clarity only comes from the objectivity of being a third party and the wisdom that develops after years of seeing what works and what doesn’t. The best recipe for success is clarifying your goals so that when you go into the dating world, you know in a general sense who you’re looking for and what lifestyle will work with your own. 

In the case of the 55-year-old man, I would suggest a woman of similar age with grown children or a woman who’s not looking to have any. Next, she must have an explorative side. Of course, checking these two boxes doesn’t guarantee a romance. But what it does is increase the likelihood of a spark, one you need to give a chance to ignite, something a talented modern-day matchmaker like myself knows, but modern-day daters too often forget. 

Narrow the dating pool.

The best part about online dating is that there are so many more people to choose from, which, of course, is also the worst part about online dating. Are you suffering from dating burnout? Does everyone’s dating profile look the same? If they do, you need a fresh perspective.  

An experienced, skilled matchmaker can take an Olympic-sized dating pool and make it smaller. I like to cut out swiping apps like Bumble, Tinder, and The League from the get-go: they offer little to no information on matches. Instead, I stick to more traditional dating sites that provide more extensive profiles. 

After that, I handpick your matches, break your subconscious dating patterns, and deliver to you a group of individuals you would not otherwise have considered but who share in your long-term goals.

Become your mouthpiece (at least for the moment).

I manage many of my clients’ online dating accounts for them. That entails anything from editing or writing from scratch a new profile, regularly examining and updating their profiles, and, if they choose, writing and responding to emails sent through the dating sites on their behalf. 

This last service is a timesaver for my clients. They don’t have to interact with strangers so much at the outset. More importantly, I shield them from those people they shouldn’t deal with at all. Let me explain.

Screen.

Do you know how to date safely? So many clients have come to me over the years complaining that the people they’ve been meeting online haven’t always been honest with them. The lies they report run the gamut. From lying about height, weight, what they do for a living (including if they’re currently unemployed), whether or not they have a cat, dog, even kids, to their marital status (tsk, tsk, married folks), I have heard it all. Which means I have developed an uncanny ability to sift through bullshit fast. 

If you’re new to dating or generally a trusting person because you wouldn’t think of lying about these relevant pieces of information yourself, you may not be so quick to pick up on the red flags. An experienced and skilled matchmaker can. I do.  

Save you time.

Looking for love can become a second or third job. People are busy and don’t have or want to use the precious few spare moments they have reading profiles. If I’m talking about you, utilizing the resources only an experienced matchmaker can offer may be the right move. A matchmaker helps you date smart. 

By sifting through the hordes of online profiles on your behalf, I leave you with only viable matches to consider. And, of course, more free time. 

Train you.

Do you know how to date? Yes, that takes some practice, too, and if you’ve been having trouble getting past a first, second, or however many dates, it may be something you’re doing, saying, or not saying on a date. 

If that’s been your experience, guess who you get to go out on a date with first? Me! Yep, if need be, I set up a mock date or dates with my clients. It’s not enough to counsel my clients about how they should speak or behave on a date. I want to see you in action—in a restaurant, on a hike, even at the mall. I know how great you are, but are you communicating that to your date?    

Surprise you. 

Dating is a time of self-discovery, and over time, your goals may change. It’s your matchmaker’s job to help you achieve your goals once you understand what they are, and from there, bring you interesting people who share in some of those goals.

Your matches may be people you wouldn’t ordinarily have given a second thought. But I encourage you to give them a chance. To find love, you must first be open to it. And sometimes that begins with being open to a helping hand like me to get you there.

Marriage After 50: Statistics & Tips | Midlife Divorce Recovery

More people are getting married after 50 than ever before.  Our culture is more accepting of divorce, and so it makes sense that more people are marrying or remarrying in our 50s. A person whose spouse dies, is also more likely to remarry than not, so there are more “available” 50+ partners than ever before.  The good news is, marriage after 50 can bring fun, security and adventure that sometimes doesn’t happen when we’re younger.

Marriage After 50 Statistics

Have you suddenly started seeing more 50+ dating sites advertised during your favorite television shows? You’re not imagining that.  Senior online dating choices are everywhere!

According to recent “marriage after 50” statistics, Pew research , divorce for people in midlife has almost doubled since the 1990s. Part of this phenomena is because many baby boomers grew up embracing “free love,” or whatever it took for “my” pleasure.  We’ve carried that demand for personal fulfillment into our lives after our marriage fails or our spouse dies.

Why Get Married After 50?

If you’re single at 50+, you’re likely still healthy and will eventually want to get married again.  There are people who are so devastated and angry about divorce, they close their heart to finding love again, but for most people, that is not the case.  Most midlife people remarry within four years after their divorce.

Marriage after 50 can be just as exciting as marriage in your 20s or 30s.  After all, 50 is supposedly the new 30! After 50, after a divorce, if we have done the healing work we need to do, we usually have a clearer idea of what we’re looking for.  

Love & Companionship!

After divorce or the death of a spouse, two of the hardest things to deal with are the loss of romantic love and simple companionship.  The absence of those intimate daily connections with another human being after our spouse leaves us lonely.

Loneliness emphasizes our need for companionship and increases our desire for marriage after 50 years old. Marrying at this age can seem terrifying, but, with good sense and self-confidence, and not desperation, we have a better chance than ever of a happy second marriage after 50.  

I have discovered that the after 50 couples who create happy second marriages are those who take the time to do the grief work and healing work that is necessary after the end of a marriage.  Don’t rush it. Be kind to yourself and be patient with the process.

Holiday Dating

Think online dating slows to a grinding halt during the holidays? Think again. We’re actually heading towards what’s known in the world of online dating, as “peak season.”

According to Match.com, peak dating season starts Dec. 26 and runs through Valentine’s Day, with the dating site seeing 50 million messages sent and 1 million dates taking place during this time. (FYI, if you’re the kind of person that loves to plan ahead, the busiest day of the year for online dating falls on Sunday, Jan. 7.)

While it may seem counterintuitive to jump into the dating scene during the holiday season, it’s actually a great time to be online. Romance is in the air and with the emphasis on family and togetherness this time of year, people tend to be more in a relationship state of mind. If you’re looking to date during the holidays,

Here are a few things to keep in mind.

DO be open to meeting people during this time of year.

As mentioned above, statistically speaking, a lot of people are online and looking for love during the weeks leading up to Christmas and New Years. Also, the holidays tend to bring people out of the woodwork. Whether it’s a holiday party, a visit home or simply an increased desire to socialize, there’s always the chance that you’ll meet someone you may not have crossed paths with otherwise. Stay open to the possibility.

DON’T be demanding when it comes to scheduling dates.

While the holidays are a great time to meet people, it’s also an incredibly busy time of year for most folks. Be open to making new connections, but also be mindful that between family, friends and work commitments, most people are going to have a lot on their plate. If your date can’t meet up right away or has other things scheduled, don’t give them a hard time.

DO keep the momentum alive.

The busyness of the holiday season has a tendency to sweep us away. With that said, dating isn’t impossible. If you’re both super busy, make time when you can to see each other and make an effort to stay in touch throughout the festivities. Scheduling a date and sending a thoughtful text message to let your date know that you’re thinking about them can go a long way when it comes to keeping the spark alive.

DON’T let the holidays kill your single person mojo.

You may meet someone during the holidays or you may not. If you’re not experiencing a rom-com level of romance this season, don’t despair. Instead, focus on what’s good about the holidays. Plan a get together with your other single friends to celebrate, dish, and vent (trust me, you’re not the only one with nosy relatives that keep inquiring about your single status).

Lastly, while it never hurts to be open to the possibility of meeting someone during the holidays, make sure you center yourself in the experience. This is your time to spend with friends, family or just relax by the fire. Don’t forget that.

Dating Habits Of People Who Find The Relationships They Want

When you're single and looking for love, the prospect of finding a healthy relationship can seem daunting. Whether you want to date the old-fashioned way or you prefer the process of modern dating — making a dating profile that stands out, combing through your matches, and of course, actually going out on dates — it can take a lot of time and effort to find a fulfilling relationship. While that might not be exactly what you want to hear, the good news is that dating, although challenging, can also be super fun and rewarding, particularly if you practice healthy and smart dating habits.

But what does mean? Essentially, it boils down to being mindful — both of who you are as a person, and of what you want in another person.  If you're serious about finding a partner below are habits that people who find the relationships they want have in common.

They Don't Look For Someone To "Complete" Them

Although Jerry McGuire might have made audiences swoon with his emotional "you complete me" speech, in reality, you shouldn't be looking for someone to make you feel whole — you should feel like a complete person on your own before adding someone else to the mix.

They Trust Their Intuition

Being willing to trust your gut when it's telling you someone is (or is not) a good match for you.  Trust your intuition.  Consult with close friends and family about your feelings and have them weigh in their thoughts.

They Pay Attention To How They're Treated

At the very beginning of a relationship, both people are typically on their best behavior — which means that if someone isn't treating you the way you want to be treated upfront, you should be confident enough to call things off.

 They Don't Rush Relationships

 If you really hit it off with someone, feelings can develop fast — but instead of rushing into a commitment right away, you're better off taking the time to really get to know a person before you hitch their figurative wagon to yours.

 They're Not Afraid To Say They Want A Long Term, Committed Relationship

 People who get the relationship they want know this — playing it cool, being aloof and pretending that there's something wrong with unapologetically saying 'I want a relationship' is for people who are willing to stay single indefinitely.

 They Practice Self Love

Before you can find a healthy relationship with someone else, you first need to have a healthy relationship with yourself — something you can achieve over time through practicing self love.

 They're Content Being Single, Too

Even if being single isn't your preference, you should still at least feel happy and comfortable when you're not attached — because your relationship status shouldn't be your only source of happiness.

 They Stick To Their Dealbreakers

We all have relationship dealbreakers, and healthy and smart daters know that sticking to those — even when you like plenty of other things about a person — is the only way to find someone who will truly make a good match in the long run.

 They're Positive

The most important healthy and smart dating habit to adopt ASAP? Being able to find joy in the process of dating, even when the going gets tough and you feel like you'll never find the right person (spoiler alert: you will).

 Dating is a journey, it takes time.  Date smart and healthy.  I often say dating is like a job.  As an expert in this industry with close to thirty years of experience, the person that finds their true match remains hopeful, positive and patient.  Your match is out there- don’t give up! 

5 Tips To Remember When Dating

1. Don't Change Who You Are

The truth is when you bend for the people you're dating, you present that person with an inauthentic view of who you are. If you're not careful, you'll feel like you have to keep bending for this person, and if you bend too much, you'll eventually break.

2. The Person You Date Should Be A Happy Addition To Your Life

The person you let into your life "should add something." And that something should, first and foremost, make you happy.

3. Don't Judge Yourself So Harshly

Instead of waking up every day and comparing yourself to people around you —all of whom are very, very different from you — embrace your body and your traits as they are and work with what you have.

4. Don't Let Someone Else Dictate Your Self-Worth

Whether you're just beginning to date or a seasoned pro, it's crucial to be [yourself] and own who [you are] and to know [your] worth.

5. Save Your Energy For Someone Who's Worth It

But that's why an incredibly important piece of dating advice is to save your energy, love, and positivity for someone who's worth it — meaning someone who pours that same energy, love, and positivity back into you.

Online Dating Vs. Offline Dating: Pros and Cons

There are so many more options available to singles dating in the digital age, yet so many can't seem to connect. What's a single dater to do?

Internet dating, social dating, Facebook dating, or the old-fashioned way of meeting offline at work or with a little help from your friends or grandmother. There are so many more options available to singles dating in the digital age, yet so many can't seem to connect. What's a single dater to do?

As an online dating expert and coach, one of the top questions I'm frequently asked is, which method is better? Is online dating versus meeting someone offline best to find the perfect date or someone to spend the rest of your life with?

As an online dating expert and coach, one of the top questions I'm frequently asked is, which method is better? Is online dating versus meeting someone offline best to find the perfect date or someone to spend the rest of your life with?

While experts might not agree on this topic, even offline Matchmakers are incorporating online dating and social media into their business models. I believe the answer is clear. There is no one-size fits all formula. As each person's relationship goals may differ from their best friends or neighbors, know that from hook-ups to marriage proposals, there's a site and way for everyone.

Whether creating an Internet dating profile leads you to marriage or not, finding love online needs to be part of your dating regime, just like finding a job online from a message board or Linkedin can help you find your dream job. Being able to grow and maintain your relationship offline is critical as you go through the different phases of a relationship.

As one who believes in casting a wide net, I tell singles that you really need to do both. It's not one-way or the other. In reality, online dating, if done correctly, is just a method or service that will get you out there in the real world to meet someone offline and meet more people. Even sites such as Match.com, Plenty of Fish, and Spark Networks' Hurry Date take their online daters offline with their special events divisions.

However, some really think the process of finding someone to love is an either-or proposition. I beg to differ. If you're truly not comfortable with the computer and don't think your iPhone or Android is truly a SmartPhone, you're leaving opportunities behind that could change your relationship status to "In a Relationship," "Engaged" or "Married," while watching your friends cheer you on.

Here are some pros and cons on finding love both online and offline.

Online Dating

Pro: Over 40 million singles in the U.S have tried online dating.
Con: It's a crowded digital marketplace and can be an exhausting experience.

Pro: One out of five relationships start online. Whether it's on Social media, Facebook, Twitter, a mobile app, or traditional online dating site, there are a lot of success stories.
Con: People lie about their age, weight, height, income, and marital status. Singles get frustrated after a few bad dates.

Pro: You can meet people outside of your geographic area and social circle with similar interests. You'll meet more people, so you can learn what you're truly looking for in a date, mate, or relationship.
Con: It can become addicting to some, who never meet offline or are looking for the next pretty face. Beware of the Digital Pen-Pal Syndrome.

Pro: It's efficient and available 24-hours a day.
Con: It's feels like a full-time job for many and you must be organized.

Pro: Many sites provide matching tools and send you emails of suggested matches to make it easier for you to view potential dates.
Con: Many singles limit their search criteria to height, zip code, or income and can miss the opportunity to meet a compatible match.

Offline Dating

Pro: You may have friends in common which will make you more comfortable.
Con: You're not really sure of their relationship status.

Pro: You can determine if there's chemistry in person sooner.
Con: You're limited to your existing social circles or regular activities and will meet less people.

Pro: It's pre-dating, without the pressure of wondering if you're date's profile is accurate. 
Con: Singles may feel shy and not ask someone out for an official date.

Pro: You can easily date in groups, while developing new friendships with people with similar interests.
Con: You're limiting yourself to a certain geographic area.

Pro: Dating sites have entered the events business giving you more choices to meet in person, without the pressure.
Con: You're not really sure if someone is interested in you romantically at a group event.

At the end of the digital day, if you're serious about meeting someone special, you must include a combination of both online and offline dating in your routine. Remember the goal of online dating is to take your relationship offline. Riding into the digital sunset together is now a way of everyday life.

7 Dating Tips for Women from Men

Seven Tips to Be a Savvy Dater: What Men Never Tell You

While our male counterparts can confuse the heck out of us Dignity Daters, sometimes they can be the best when it comes to dishing out dating advice. Now that you have access to the Dating with Dignity’s Men’s Advice Column (Starting with these seven dating tips for women from men!), you’ll never be confused again.

1. Do your own thing.

Don’t let a man become the center of your universe. If you make a man your whole life, he’s going to lose interest because he will most likely feel smothered! Remember, he fell in love with the dynamic “you” who has her own interests and passions who wanted to make him a part of your life, not the whole darn thing. Men are attracted to confident women who get the concept of “interdependence.”  Interdependence requires that you’re both independent and dependent; that means you create sacred space for your relationship as well as sacred space for your work, passions and friends. Don’t lose the things that are most important to you, and keep doing what you were doing before you started dating him: your Sunday morning yoga class, a yearly vacation with your college roommates, etc.

2. Don’t overindulge

While you might think it cute to have three glasses of wine at dinner, he does not. Let him get to know you as you are. If you need to loosen up before a date, watch a comedy right before you leave or take a walk. Also, order a real dinner. One guy told us that he went on a first date and his date wouldn’t order any food because she wasn’t “hungry.” But then every time he cut a piece of steak on his plate, she reached over and ate it! Best to leave your glass half full and your plate empty(ish).

3. Some men ARE afraid of commitment

(so they might need a little more time than you to decide if you’re the one). Even if a guy is relationship ready, if you bring up on date three that you’re ready for a relationship he’ll likely question whether you really want to be in a relationship with HIM or if you’re ready for a relationship with anyone. He’s going to wonder how after two dinners and one museum trip you already know that you want him to be your boyfriend. So even though it’s great to let a new guy know where you are in your life or about your dating goals, take the time to get to know him before you decide. (We recommend that you hold that conversation until at least date three or four). As a result, he’ll feel a whole lot better about the possibility of having a relationship if you give him a little time. Don’t rush the getting-to-know-each-other part. Not only is this phase of dating exciting, but it also allows you time to “data date” and collect the information you need to determine if he’s boyfriend material AND someone you want to be in a relationship with.

4. We always want you to invite us in after a first date, but we secretly hope you’ll say no.

If you want to show a man that you’re girlfriend material, don’t hook up with him on the first date. It will probably make him wonder if you would do the very same thing with every other Tom, Dick and Harry. This is also a good way to feel out whether he’s looking for some casual fun or something a little more serious. Often we believe that a man will expect us to get physical from the get-go and that if we don’t, men will lose interest if it doesn’t happen right away. In fact, it’s actually the opposite. It’s not a deal breaker every time, but it does make the “getting to know you” part more complicated.

5. Don’t call us all the time. Let us call you.

If you’re consistently calling, texting, emailing, and doing all the asking out, a man won’t have to lift a finger. Let the communication be balanced. This is not to say that you can’t ever reach out to a man you’re dating, but let him do the asking out–at least in the early stages. If you’re both interested in each other, there will be a natural balance in the amount of communication. If you feel like you may be guilty of over-calling, take a break and see if he comes back and puts in the effort. If so, wonderful. And if not? Move on, sister! You deserve someone who wants to reach out to you, call you, and ask you out.

6. Don’t assume you are exclusive.

As scary as it may seem to talk to your man about not seeing other people, it’s even scarier to just assume he isn’t seeing other people. Words are helpful, and you should use them sometimes. So he tells you he wants to introduce you to his sister? Awesome! Still doesn’t mean you’re exclusive. Try something like, “You know, I’d really like not to see other people. How do you feel about that?” If he gives you an answer you aren’t looking for, buh-bye. And if he gives you a yes, fantastic! Go for it!

7. Men aren’t all the same, so give them a chance!  

As easy as it would be to base every opinion you have on an experience you had with a guy or listen to your best guy friend’s advice, not all men are the same. So even though these dating tips from men can be very helpful, men are ultimately individuals. Let them show up and show you how much they’re interested! Men are often more helpful than not, right? So if these seven dating tips for women from men weren’t enough for you, check back for more soon.

WSJ, The Economist, HuffPost and Innovative Match's thoughts on Online Dating and Modern Love

One of the biggest issues I have found in guiding love is the managing the idea of the BBD (the Bigger, Better Deal). For instance, you have a first date with a match. It goes well. You see some attractive attributes and possibilities for a relationship. BUT - you get a new profile on your dating app that shows someone who looks more attractive or intriguing: physically, financially, or SOMETHING else, and you disregard the connection you had with the previous date. You don’t give the connection the chance to run its course. This is the addiction of the online dating world: “swiping” to see the next “better” option.

I work with my clients to foster a new dating mindset - how to tackle dating in this new world of technology: this world of fast paced dating apps and the environment it brings. Most of my clients come to me from one of the following scenarios:

1. The recent widow or divorcee: How do I enter the realm of dating at my age? I’m recently divorced or widowed and I want to foster a new relationship. How do I do that?
2. The frustrated single: I have been in the dating realm for a period of time, but am growing increasingly frustrated. Why hasn’t it worked? How do I get it to work?
3. The newbie: I have never been married. I have focused on my career,  but now, I am ready to find love and a solid relationship. How do I make this next step in my life successful? 

Wherever you fall in these three categories, pay attention to the NOW of where you are, and understand there is no quick fix to matchmaking. Dating is a journey and when done right, is fun too! Don’t always chase the Bigger, Better Deal and with patience you will find that right one.  

Below are some links to great articles about online dating and modern love. 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/serendipidating-trend-online-dating_n_5ad4ce8de4b077c89ceb59da

https://www.wsj.com/articles/matchmakers-emerge-as-an-antidote-to-the-agony-of-online-dating-11552059390

https://www.economist.com/leaders/2018/08/18/modern-love

Dating After Divorce

According to Therapists

For starters, wait until your divorce is final before downloading the apps.

After the stress of going through a divorce, it can be difficult to think about dating again. Everyone has their own timeline for when they might want to get out there. "More important than the length of time is what one does during that time," says Christina Jones, LCSW. "It's important to be self-reflective and mourn the loss, as well as learn what one can 'do' better in their next relationship." But, once you're ready, these tips will make it easier.

1. Wait until your divorce or separation is final before you start dating.

Even if you know your marriage is really, truly over, you still need to give yourself some time and space. "Although there's no 'magic' time frame by which one is ready to date, I typically recommend that one wait about a year," Jones says. "Separation or divorce is an emotionally draining time. Although it might be tempting to lick your wounds with positive attention from another, this distraction can actually inhibit you from the healing work that is necessary to move forward in a healthy way with someone in the future."

2. Ask if you're dating again for the right reasons.

"If the 'why' is to avoid painful feelings like hurt, anger, or loneliness, then it may be helpful to take some time to heal before jumping back into dating," says Jaclyn Friedenthal, Psy.D., of the Thrive Psychology Group. "If the 'why' is because you have taken time to heal, you now want to date more than you feel like you need to date, and you're willing to feel all the emotions involved in dating again, then it’s a good sign that you're ready. Dating requires a certain amount of vulnerability, tolerance of uncertainty, and willingness to feel a range of emotions in the hopes of making positive new connections and relationships."

3. Set reasonable expectations.

"You don’t have to enter into a date assuming you’ll get married," says Amy Morin, LCSW, author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Women Don't Do. "Instead, you can look at it as an experience to learn more about yourself and the new life you’re creating for yourself moving forward."

It is possible that your first relationship post-divorce might not be a rebound, but there's a lot of "ifs" that go along with that. "The mistake I see many people make in this post-divorce relationship is thinking this relationship won't have its own challenges," Jones says. "Another big mistake is comparing a new person to their ex, or thinking that if they correct the things their previous spouse complained about, then this new person will be happy. A 'first' relationship post-divorce can last, provided the person has learned about themselves and their part in the ending of their marriage."

4. Be honest about your past.

Don't be misleading about yourself, your life, or your interests (or kids!) in an online profile or in person. Eventually, the truth will come out, and you don't want to have wasted your time or efforts. But more importantly, you want to find someone who shares your values, and who will like you for who you are.

5. Go slow at first.

You don't have to dive head-first into intense one-on-ones. "Talk over the phone a lot and go on many dates that are different in type," Jones says. "By that I mean different activities, opportunities to talk and get to know each other, opportunities to see person in different settings. Some dates should involve each other's friends, too."

6. Make space for your feelings to bubble up.

ecause they will, whether you want them to or not, and in ways you might not expect. "Whether you feel guilty, nervous, or excited, whatever emotions dating stirs up for you is okay," Morin says. "Allow yourself to experience a wide range of emotions." It's tough to get out there again, but you're probably doing better than you think, so give yourself a break, too. "Be patient and compassionate with yourself and with the process," Dr. Friedenthal says. "Pay attention to your intuition. Remember that it is normal to have wants and needs, and you deserve to be happy."

7. Know your priorities.

Figure out what you're looking for in a partner. What are your dealbreakers? What are the values you're most looking for? Figuring that out first will save you from wasting time with someone who isn't going to be a good match in the long run.

8. Be informed about online dating.

"I'm not a huge fan of online dating, although some sites are better than others," Jones says. If you're going to roll the dice online, do research into which ones offer the experience you're looking for: some are better suited to those looking for long-term partners, others are more for casual flings. And make sure you know about all the scams that target online daters. 

9. Don't rush to introduce a new partner to your family.

Having children makes dating all the more complicated. Like with everything else, this will take time. "Spend at least 6 months getting to know someone before you introduce them to your children," Morin says. "Introducing someone too soon can be confusing, anxiety-provoking, and troubling to children. Make sure that you know your boyfriend well and give him the chance to prove he’s in this for the long-haul before you bring him home to the kids."

10. Then, when the time comes, tread lightly with kids.

Assure them that they're first in your heart. "Talk to your kids about their feelings," Morin adds. "Let them know that it’s okay to be angry, nervous, or sad about your new relationship. Encourage them to ask questions and express their concerns."

11. Keep growing.

Dating is going to require some effort on your part, even in the easiest coupling. "No relationship is perfect and the ones that last take work!" Jones says. "Be in therapy and increase your self-awareness as you participate in the dating process. Heal yourself so you attract healthy people!"

12. Above all else, trust yourself.

If have a bad feeling about someone, move on. "Remember, dating is interviewing!" Jones says. "Don't be afraid to end a date or stop dating someone if you sense a 'red flag.' Beware of the person who blames their ex for everything."

6 Boundaries to Protect When Dating After Divorce

6 Boundaries to Protect When Dating After Divorce

February 20th, 2019

 Dating after divorce can be a lot of fun. The prospects! The possibilities! It can also become overwhelming as you begin figuring out your wants and needs post-divorce versus a potential partner’s. Confusion may set in. You may also feel lonely and vulnerable, which is why it’s essential to establish and then protect specific boundaries from the beginning, so you don’t have regrets or feel you have been taken advantage of later. Here are six.

 Your body

Treat your body as if it’s your most prized possession. That means guarding it with your life because, to be honest, if you don’t, one misstep could cost you your life or, at a minimum, the quality of it.  Never let anyone convince you to engage in any sexual activity you don’t feel comfortable with yet. If you don’t trust yourself and believe you will get carried away in the moment, keep yourself out of situations where that might happen. It’s always okay to say you’re not ready. It’s also okay to say to hell with anyone who doesn’t respect you for saying it.  Another thing to remember is to watch how much you drink alcohol on your date. Alcohol distorts your decision making.

Your time

Like your body, time is precious. Never, never allow someone to waste yours. That includes the time you spend thinking about a person who doesn’t deserve it. If you’re dating someone who isn’t showing you the attention you are looking for, is consistently late, cancels plans repeatedly, or otherwise tries to keep you on the hook by checking in and making empty promises, unhook yourself and find someone who values your time as much as you do. Switching gears, if you think just because you have “time in” you should stay in a relationship that leaves you dissatisfied, think again. You are throwing good money after bad by hanging on. Count your lessons, and your blessings, then clock out.

 The love you have to give is a gift. Bestow it wisely.

 Your money

It may sound callous but love, like any other commodity, has a price. Relationships cost money. From the date itself to travel time to the opportunity cost of spending your resources elsewhere, there is a corresponding dollar amount. If you believe the balance of economic power with your partner is unfair, speak up. Relationships, especially at midlife and after a divorce, are fraught with complications, money ranking among the most common of them. Your idea of what the financial picture should look like with a partner or potential partner may not be the same as theirs. The only way around any miscommunication is to discuss money and expectations, sooner rather than later.

 Your sanity

Manipulators and emotional abusers come in all shapes and sizes. The problem is when you first meet, these people are often charming, complimentary, supportive, and sweet. Slowly, however, these characteristics go by way of the dodo. Bottom line, you know how you feel. Listen to your gut. If you have a pit in your stomach because a guy’s words don’t match his actions, he gaslights you when you question why 2 + 2 can’t possibly equal 5, and he undermines your confidence by giving you subtle (or not so subtle) jabs at your appearance, career, body, or anything else of value to you, evaluate why it is you’re feeling this way. Chances are, you’re not the crazy one. He is.

Your heart

Falling in love is ethereal, that is when you fall in love with someone who loves and treats you well. When you fall in love with someone who treats you poorly, doesn’t show you respect, or fails to care for you in the ways you need and deserve, the heartache you will experience can negatively affect how you see the world and, in turn, permeate every aspect of your life. The love you have to give is a gift. Bestow it wisely.

 Your dignity

Allowing the person you’re dating to violate any of the above boundaries ultimately breaks what should be your strongest boundary: your dignity. You are unique and special and deserving of a partner worthy of you. Know your value, and don’t ever let someone sell you short of it.

Written by and sourced from Stacey Freeman (with edits from Cassie Zampa-Keim)

Seven Ways for Singles to Own Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day can be so much fun because, let’s face it, it’s exciting to celebrate love. But every year for some singles it’s a challenging holiday that shines a spotlight on their single status. With New Year’s just past and many singles’ newly minted resolutions to find someone this year, I look at Valentine’s Day as the time to get started on those resolutions.

 I have been in the matchmaking industry for almost thirty years, providing dating and relationship strategies for single women and men. February is an exciting month for my clients as I work with them to conquer their doubts about finding love and help them launch back into the world of dating. Most of my clients have been divorced or widowed, so it truly is a trip back to something they did years ago, when their lives were very different.

 It’s normal to feel insecure about trying something again after a couple of decades. You don’t look like you did back then (by the way, neither does anyone else you’ll be meeting). Having gone through the loss of divorce or widowhood can make you hesitant to invest in love again, and online dating might feel like a big unknown ocean that you’d rather not dip your toe into. Dating can look both daunting and like no fun at all.

 The truth is—and I’ve seen it over and over again with hundreds of clients—that getting back into the dating world can not only be enjoyable and life-affirming, it can also expand your circle of friends and introduce you to that one person you want to spend much more time with.

 Finding a relationship is also good for your health. There are numerous studies that show that people in serious relationships have fewer health problems and live longer. In my own work, I’ve found that those positive results start even before my clients have found a partner. Just by beginning the process of looking for a relationship and expressing their desire to make a connection with a partner, many of my clients start to get over their depression, fear, and sadness. While they start out feeling vulnerable, taking care of themselves and opening themselves to the possibility of finding love makes them healthier and happier.  Dr. George Vaillant, who led a longitudinal study that followed 268 Harvard graduates over seventy-five years, says that there are two pillars of happiness. “One is love. The other is finding a way of coping with life that does not push love away.”[i] I emphasize with my clients how important it is to stay open to love, both while they are looking for it and once they’ve found it.

 The following seven tips will help you own your Valentine's Day.

 1.  Embrace a positive perspective

Creating the right mindset is so important to entering the dating world. Fear and doubt will affect your results, as will going into it with an open mind, confidence in who you are, a strong sense of what you are looking for, and patience. A positive mindset will help you attract people you want to be with.

When you think and talk about dating, use words that build you up rather than defeat you before you’ve even started. For instance, instead of saying, “I’m old and men/women want to date people younger than me,” say “I’m a beautiful person, and would make a great partner.” Those words might not immediately change what happens externally, but they shift your perception of the experience and create a more positive atmosphere around you—which is always attractive.

 2.  Identify who you are and what you want in a partner

Begin by answering a series of questions that clarify where you are in your life so that you can look for and attract the right person for who you are today. We don’t always recognize the ways in which we’ve changed over the years until we slow down and take an honest look at the answers to some basic questions. Questions like: Would I date myself? Why, or why not? What are my best qualities? What would I like to change about myself? What kind of relationship am I looking for right now? What has worked for me in past relationships and what has not? Why? What can I learn from what past partners have said to me about our relationships?

Write down the answers to those questions and keep them somewhere where you can find them. When you are feeling uncertain about how things are going in your dating process, and why they are going the way they are, this list can be a helpful resource. And your answers will change over time! As you become more confident in the dating world, you will add positive traits to the list. The type of relationship you are looking for might change based on the people you meet. But use the list to remember who you are and what you want.

 3.  Enjoy the process, don’t just focus on the outcome

It’s easy to get fixated on the outcome of any process, and dating is no exception. You want the joy of meeting that special someone, not necessarily the effort it takes to get there. But as with anything worth having in life, the process is critical and you might as well enjoy it, because much of it is actually a lot of fun.

 What does enjoying the dating process look like? Opening yourself to the self-growth that dating can offer. Getting excited about the people you might meet, and would not meet if you weren’t doing this. Broadening your social circle (who doesn’t need that?). Learning about yourself and growing in unexpected ways. Exposing yourself to new worlds through the people you’ll meet. Letting go of the pressure to find “The One” or the feeling that you have no idea what you are doing. Convincing yourself that this will be fun.

 4.  Get online

While technology is completely integrated into our daily lives, online dating can still seem strange and intimidating. As someone who began her career in traditional matchmaking and now works online with the majority of her clients, I can tell you that it is totally manageable, safe and very exciting. With online dating, the pool of prospects that would be out there in traditional matchmaking or your daily life grows to an ocean, and many of the people on those sites are absolutely the type you want to meet. Over the years I have found many ways to optimize my clients’ experiences with online dating. 

Still not sure how you feel about going online? I hear a lot of myths about online dating from my clients, and I want to dispel the most common ones.

 The first myth is, “The type of person I want to meet is not on online dating sites.” Truth: I began researching online dating in 2008 as a way to help the clients I was working with then, and I can assure you that consistently over the years there have been thousands of quality men and women over fifty on online dating sites. They go there for the same reasons you will: they are successful, motivated, and intelligent, and they realize that this is a fantastic way to meet people.

 The second myth that I hear is “I’ll look desperate.” Truth: being motivated and proactive is hardly desperate. I always ask my clients, when they are out with a friend and see someone attractive, do they hide? No. There’s no shame in desiring companionship.

 The third myth from clients is that their professional reputation will be ruined if they are on online dating sites. If this feels like a legitimate concern for your particular profession or company, take advantage of the ways to limit your visibility by using privacy options which most online dating sites have.  You can also verify the legitimacy of people who express interest in you through the almost unlimited information available online. Remember, desiring companionship is natural, and online dating has become very accepted as a way to find relationships.

 5.  Be methodical about the dating process

This probably sounds a little rigid—isn’t dating about the freedom of meeting people and having fun? Well, yes. And no. Back in our earlier years, our relatively unfettered lives allowed us all sorts of opportunities to meet people: through friends, work, and shared activities. The possibilities seemed endless. But once we settled down, bought a house, had children, and established a career, our circles often got smaller. If you look at the people you know today or are likely to meet in your everyday life, chances are that many fewer of them are single than you’d like if you’re laying odds for finding someone.

 Establish a plan with defined steps along the way, and change course when something isn’t working. Being methodical doesn’t mean getting stuck—it just means providing yourself with a roadmap that keeps you from getting lost along the way.                

 6.  Maintain a marathon mindset: optimism and resilience

Optimism is so important when you are dating, because things don’t happen in a linear way. You will meet people you are not interested in or who are not interested in you. Sometimes it takes a while to find someone you want to see more than once. You will meet someone interesting and date for a while, but then it won’t work out. All normal! And those times will alternate with times where you meet many interesting people, go out on fun date after fun date, get a lot of positive feedback, and eventually meet someone for the long-term.

The bottom line is that it won’t always be easy or predictable, but you can’t give up at mile 11, and you can’t let adversity keep you from trying again.

 7.  Know what to do if burnout sets in

Finding the right person can take time, and sometimes burnout will set in. If this happens, don’t give up! Try adjusting your expectations. For instance, if you are expecting to meet “The One” fairly quickly, why not give yourself a chance to go out on a few dates with people who sound interesting even if they do not seem to be your ideal? You might be amazed to find out you like them more than you thought. And you’ll have more fun along the way.

 Burnout is essentially disappointment, and we all experience that from time to time, so don’t be hard on yourself if you get there. Remind yourself of where you are in your life and keep focused on the type of person for you. However, don’t narrow your focus so severely that you miss out on other possibilities around you, from meeting other people to trying new activities. Remember to enjoy the process! You can believe in a positive outcome without knowing specifically what that will mean for you.

 You can also always take a break for a while. Dating is not a speed contest, and taking the time to take care of yourself and having the patience to find the person who is right for you is the most important thing you can do.

I really appreciate that re-entering the dating world is not easy. You are taking an emotional risk, and putting yourself out there in a way that feels very vulnerable and exposed. But give yourself kudos for even considering it, and now that another Valentine’s Day is upon us, use this moment to begin an exciting new adventure (quite possibly your best yet)—the process of finding a Valentine.

At Innovative Match, our renewed goal in 2019 is to educate and protect our clients, so that the Dirty John story doesn’t become their story.

In today’s online dating world, sites like Match.com, OkCupid and Bumble are encouraging users to include more information to complete your public profile. In the past, people were more cautious about putting themselves “out there” online – hesitating to provide too much information, not wanting to expose themselves.

Now, in 2019, people are more interested in trying online dating and are willing to provide more information and photos on their profiles.

But with this heightened transparency comes the justifiable fear of danger and exposure.

Bravo’s new hit drama Dirty John, tells the true story of a successful, self-made business woman who is pursued by a handsome, charismatic con-man. Dirty John uses the information he found online about her to fuel his terrifying web of deceit, control and manipulation.

This is scary because there are stories like this out there, and Dirty John exposes the danger of online dating.

I have been in this industry for nearly three decades.  I read over hundred profiles a day, and I have never had a “Dirty John” experience with my clients. The reason is that I teach my clients how to protect themselves in this new world of online dating.

 Follow a set of rules:

·       Investigate the people you are meeting – do your homework online. Google them, visit sites such as LinkedIn to ensure they are who they say they are.

·       Keep an eye out for red flags: Inconsistencies, aggressive behavior, moving too fast, or if they don’t financially contribute.

·       Speak on the phone before ever meeting in person.

·       Meet for the first time in a public place where you feel safe.

·       Don’t get into their vehicle on a first date.

·       Don’t drink too much.

·       Seek answers to key questions before meeting in person such as their last name, line or place of work, objectives in dating (do they align with yours?), relationship status – current and prior, etc.

·       Trust your gut.

If you are not in the place of being solid in who you are, capable of setting boundaries and standing up for what you want, and emotionally ready for a relationship, then it may not the right time to date. Don’t overlook these signs because of the eagerness to want a relationship.

Slow down and listen to the whispers before you hear the screams.

My work focuses on women and men who have come from difficult divorces, who have lost their partner, or who just haven’t met the right person, and teaching them how to date smart and protect themselves. We help our clients build self-worth, self-esteem and confidence. 

If you are not comfortable with social media and are not on sites like LinkedIn or Facebook, have someone you trust help you do your dating due diligence. Turn to a professional like myself, or ask a friend or loved one to help in finding out what you can about someone before you date them.

At Innovative Match, our renewed goal in 2019 is to educate and protect our clients, so that the Dirty John story doesn’t become their story.

Trust your gut, never ignore it. If you do, it will lead you down the right path. By taking the steps discussed, you can alleviate negativity and fear, and focus on engaging with new people and attracting the right person for you.