It’s human nature to notice patterns. You see patterns in all aspects of your life—in what you eat, how you dress, and, if you’ve chosen to read this article, how you date. Swipe right on a dating profile, text for about a week or so (which is more time-intensive than you’d think), plan a date, meet, see each other for a little while, and then…start again. Maybe you found that you and your match have different long-term goals, your work schedules don’t coincide, or you never felt a spark between you. Whatever the reason, the result is the same: you invested too much time, and now the relationship is over. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Our ability to notice patterns has a downside. We love patterns—until we hate them. When we do the same thing over and over again, we get bored. We get frustrated, especially when dating online. Eventually, every swipe and message feels like a chore, like making your bed or doing the dishes. You keep dating, but the expended energy always amounts to nothing. Here you are, swiping and swiping, however many weeks, months, even years later. You think, what’s the point?
If this sounds all too familiar to you, you may be suffering from dating burnout. The problem is dating burnout creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. The longer you feel burned out, the longer you date unsuccessfully, leading to even more fatigue. So how do you break the pattern? Ask yourself these three questions first.
Does your dating pendulum swing left or right?
When you’re first out of a relationship, marriage, or are widowed, you’re healing. Too often, though, the knee-jerk response is to date before you’re ready. You either date fast and furious, matching and dating everyone in sight without rhyme or reason (pendulum right). Or do the opposite: dip your toe in the dating pool ever so slightly and get nothing in return (pendulum left).
While these extremes seem to be at odds with one another, what they have in common is that each increases the risk of dating burnout. With either approach, you get little reward, if any, in return. What you get, instead, is further pain. That’s no reason to date. Dating should be exciting because it’s filled with possibilities. If your pendulum is swinging too far in either direction, you’re sure to miss them.
Are you a sure and steady dater?
Once you’ve taken the time to heal, how will you know you’re ready to date again? The truth is no one will ever be 100 percent ready, but you do need to have your head on your shoulders and not be overly emotional. This way, you can read the signs. Is this person right or wrong for me? Am I able to spot red flags? Most importantly, am I willing to walk away from red flags? Or am I so desperate for attention and love that I’ll overlook which qualities in a match are most important to me?
One way to check yourself is to write your prospective dating profile out on a piece of paper. Are you talking about yourself as you are today? Do you recognize this person? If you feel confident in the way you sound on paper and that you’re ready to look for your match with purpose, then it might be time for you to put that profile to work online. But not before asking yourself the most important question of all.
Are you vulnerable in your head or your heart?
When you’re damaged, you’re vulnerable in your head, which keeps your heart closed to others. It’s dangerous because it means you have low self-esteem. You harbor the belief you’re somehow inferior and unlovable. You date down. You settle, which only leads to more heartache.
When you’re vulnerable in your heart but not your head, you’re willing to weigh and take a calculated emotional risk. You know how to date multiple people to find what you want and understand the numbers are on your side. You know limiting choices only leads to settling, and it’s smart to be methodical and compare. Best of all, with your vulnerabilities in check, you have the strength to walk away from the wrong person because your heart is open to meeting the right person.
Final words
Dating is about balance. Though putting yourself out there is always a risk, you can make it a calculated one. So when you do fall, it will be in love, and into the open arms of someone who loves you.