How to Apologize to Your Partner — Without Angering Them More

We were all taught in grade school that if you did something wrong, like push a kid on the playground during recess, you would have to say you’re sorry. If such a situation occurred, the teacher probably pulled you aside to tell you why you were wrong, then led you over to your crying classmate so you could then tell them how sorry you were and why you knew what you did was wrong. Maybe after, you hugged it out and split a cookie at lunch. You might even be friends today. 

In relationships, however, conflict resolution isn’t so simple. In every relationship, whether it’s with friends, family, or your romantic partner, at one point or another, you will have some sort of disagreement. And, though this might come as a shock, sometimes you will be the one in the wrong, even if you weren’t wrong or as wrong to start.  

In the heat of the moment, you might have said hurtful things that you recognized either at the time or sometime afterward were wrong and perhaps didn’t mean. Still, you couldn’t resist saying them because the words felt so good coming out. Now your partner is hurt and not speaking to you. To make matters worse, unlike when you were kids, today, there’s no teacher around to help. You want to apologize but don’t know how. So what can you do to mend fences without angering them more? 

Don’t say “I’m sorry” until you mean it. 

While our teachers in grade school were well-intentioned when they taught us that we should say we’re sorry and explained to us why we were wrong, an unfortunate consequence is that many people have learned to say they’re sorry without fully understanding why they should be sorry. Clearly, your partner is angry with you because they’re acting cold and won’t talk to you. But do you know why they’re angry? 

Your instinct might be to resolve your conflict as quickly as possible; you don’t want your partner to be mad at you, after all, and you want to return to their good graces. Though this might seem counterintuitive at first, a better approach is to not immediately say you’re sorry unless you understand why you’re wrong. Otherwise, your apology will come off as disingenuous, like that kid on the playground who was coaxed into apologizing by the teacher, the result of which is having a partner who’s even more upset with you. 

Instead, take some time to process your thoughts and emotions. 

Instead, you should take time to process your emotions and the conflict that just transpired between you and your partner. Ask yourself, what is this conflict really about? Is your partner mad about this one isolated incident? Or is there a larger foundational problem at play in your dispute? Is this a brand new argument, or one you have had many times before? Take this time to introspect and understand why your partner is upset. Once you understand why you’re wrong, you have the makings of an effective apology. 

In the heat of an argument, when emotions run high, it’s inevitable that you will say things you don’t mean. So taking time apart to introspect also buys you time to decrease tensions. You need to be clear and levelheaded to make a meaningful apology so that you can deliberate on which words to say and which ideas to present. Additionally, you also provide your partner with time to calm down and think about the conflict on their own terms so that when you do return with an apology, they will be more receptive to hearing you out, as you each have had that chance to think about what went wrong in your conflict. 

Practice empathy. 

To understand where you went wrong in your conflict, you need to understand first the conflict from your partner’s perspective. So put yourself in their shoes.  

Ask yourself: How would I feel if this happened to me? Would I be so easily forgiving? What would I need from them to be forgiving? How much time might I need? Is it possible that they won’t want or be able to forgive me?  

With a more empathetic understanding of the situation, you can more effectively grasp the conflict and formulate a plan to resolve it. Potentially, that is. 

“Sorry” is a complete sentence, so no “buts.” 

The way you say you’re sorry is just as significant as the act of saying sorry. It’s very likely that your partner also said hurtful things to you, whether before the dispute or during it, or you otherwise disagree with how they’ve conducted themselves, which might have been what caused your conflict in the first place. Meaning that, to some degree, your partner was also wrong, too, to some degree.  

That said, apologies are about taking accountability for your own wrongdoing, not shedding light on where your partner went wrong. Your apology is actually the very worst time to redirect blame at your partner, as this will likely make them even angrier and less receptive to an apology in the future.  

If you don’t point blame, you might find that your partner will have some sort of apology of their own to offer. Should they not, you will have to make a decision. And that is whether you will be OK with the fact that you were the far bigger jerk in your conflict and forgive their degree of wrongdoing. That said, if your relationship is defined by the broader trend of you always being the one to apologize and your partner never apologizing, regardless of wrongdoing, you may need to reevaluate your relationship on those grounds. 

Once you do apologize, be prepared for them not to forgive you quite yet — or ever. 

Saying you’re sorry is not a cure for conflict in relationships. Instead, it’s a gesture of goodwill that needs to be followed up with an effort by you to help repair what’s been broken in your relationship —  by you. Despite the time and steps you’ve taken, it might be too soon for your partner to move on from the conflict. Or your partner might accept your apology but still need space. 

 Regardless of what your partner says, refrain from having a tantrum because you’re not getting exactly what you want and reneging on your apology. This applies whether your partner says they aren’t ready to forgive you quite yet, or if they don’t apologize for anything they might have done to contribute to the conflict. You can, however, ask if there’s anything they would like you to clarify about your apology, or if they have any questions. 

 If your partner isn’t ready to forgive you, give them space to heal. Demonstrate your love and respect for them by honoring their wishes. Show them that you’ve learned from your conflict by making any necessary changes in yourself. And, most of all, recognize that giving a true apology means also expecting nothing in return, not even a guarantee that the relationship you’re trying to repair will be repaired.  

Final thoughts … 

 It often takes a “big” person to apologize, to admit that you’ve wronged someone. Indeed, not just the act of apologizing but the reasons why you behaved as you did can be difficult to face on numerous levels.  

 But from difficult situations can also come growth. And understanding. Including whether the relationship you’re in is the right one for you now or as time goes on. Which is a realization you should never apologize for exploring.      

As a Parent, Should You Date Someone Without Kids?

As a parent who has re-entered the dating scene, you may meet someone who seems all-around great and otherwise what you would be looking for in a potential partner. That is, except for one, not so tiny detail: They don’t have children. Does this mean you should move on?

While your life experiences and day-to-day schedules as a parent may be different from someone without kids, it need not be a dealbreaker. That said, there are some issues you should consider first before moving forward with them, even for a first date.

Does the person you’re planning to date know that you have kids?

As a parent, your children are obviously a very important part of your life. Because of that, in many cases, it can be a dealbreaker for someone without their own. Harsh but true.

Some single parents are aware of this, and for this reason, choose to hide that they’re parents until several dates in, hoping to win over their date who doesn’t have children with their glowing personality. Many times, they end up getting dumped for outright lying or lying by omission and are left feeling offended. My advice? Always be upfront about the fact that you have children from the get-go.

If you met your potential partner through online dating, you should reveal that you have children before your first date. Ideally, that information should be on your online dating profile. This way, you and the people you date will not waste valuable time or have your feelings hurt, at least because of this issue.

How old are your kids?

You may find while dating that it’s not just a question of if you have children, but how old they are, which can have an impact on whether your having children will be a dealbreaker for potential matches. For instance, a childless person may not mind dating you if you have adult children that no longer live in your house but may be opposed to the idea of dating someone with young children still requiring a lot of hands-on care.

This distinction ties into the idea of how much your children would be impacting the day-to-day rhythm of your relationship. If your children are older and require less hands-on responsibility, for example, depending on their age, you may feel comfortable leaving them home alone for an afternoon, overnight, or potentially a weekend. It’s no secret that younger children require lots of time and attention and, therefore, can spell less flexibility, particularly for someone who may be used to having more.

What does your parenting schedule look like?

Child custody may play a critical role in whether a person without children would feel comfortable dating you. If you have primary custody of your children, for example, your children’s schedule likely plays a significant role in your everyday life.

More parenting time can translate to potentially less time to go on dates and hang out with a significant other. If you only have custody of your children every other weekend, however, then you may have enough flexibility in your schedule to date someone who doesn’t have similar time constraints.

Is your child's other parent in the picture?

Exes can be a tricky subject in relationships in general. But when you share children with an ex, it’s likely that you have to remain in contact, and that they also have a say in how you parent your children.

With that, your ex may have an opinion or legally be able to give one about the people you bring home to be around your (and their) children. This dynamic may not be something that a person without children would be interested in signing on for necessarily.

How is your relationship with your ex?

If you have a healthy co-parenting relationship, then your relationship with your ex may not cause a problem. But if you went through an acrimonious breakup and still argue regularly, this tension can spill into your current relationship. Such tension could impact your current relationship, as your partner may be willing to be a stepparent but be unwilling to deal with the drama that comes from an ex.

Does the person you’re planning to date have the experience with children that you’re looking for?

Whether experience in your mind means the person you date has nieces or nephews they’re close with or has dated people with children in the past, this person should have at least some experience with children. Not because the expectation is that they need to be a hands-on stepparent potentially, but so that they know how to navigate dating you.

You and your children, especially if your children are young, come as a package deal. That means the person you date will need to be understanding of the idea that your children are a priority. Given this reality, they would, therefore, need to feel secure enough in themselves due to how often you will have to turn your attention toward your children and that dates may need to be moved last minute or canceled because of parenting demands.

As mentioned above, depending on your situation, a person without children may fare better if they have a strong stomach to handle an ex’s presence and the co-parenting issues that go along with it, as well as a

willingness and demonstrable ability to express genuine interest in your children and get along with them, even if the children are at first opposed to it.

Final thoughts …

After asking and answering all of these questions, you may still be unsure whether you, as a parent, should date someone who isn’t a parent. To help clarify your answer, there’s one more question you may want to ask, and that is: As a parent, should you date someone who also has children?

To answer this final question, you would need to ask and answer all of the preceding questions, but, this time, do so while keeping your willingness and ability to date them in mind. Because down the road, you may find that blending families can pose as many issues as dating someone without children does, only different ones.

Ultimately, the answer to whether you as a parent should date someone without children is a judgment call, one based on your and the other person’s unique circumstances. The best course is, therefore, to assess each potential partner on the basis of compatibility in this area. It may just be the case that a partner who also has children is not a match while someone without children is.

Do You Know Which Love Language Your Partner Speaks?

Single, married, or somewhere in between (hey, it can be complicated), you have probably heard the term “love language” thrown around. Heck, love languages are even a prompt on the dating Hinge. However, many people still do not know exactly what love languages are, and why they are important in relationships.

In his 1992 book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts,” author Gary Chapman explains patterns he noticed in couple’s counseling, in which couples fundamentally misinterpret each other’s actions, specifically how they express love for each other, as well as what they expect in their partner’s expression of love for them. He refers to these expressions as love languages. 

According to Chapman, there are five love languages we may speak, some at the same time. This potentially makes identifying and understanding them more confusing and the need for his research as important as ever. 

What are the love languages?

The five love languages, says Chapman, are quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gift-giving, and acts of service. Each of them is characterized by a specific type of behavior.

Physical touch means that you express love and affection physically. This love language is not limited to sex; it includes a variety of physical actions, such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, cuddling, and massages, as well as simple physical contact. An effective way to express love to someone who values physical touch could include a night in, watching Netflix on the couch and sitting with your legs wrapped around each other, or holding hands.

Quality time means that you value spending time with people you care about. This does not mean that you desire to spend as much time as possible with your partner; instead, it means that the time that you do spend together is high quality. What you value is the attention you get from your partner as you spend time together. So, an ideal date would be doing anything, as long as you and your partner are together and engaging in conversations that help you feel heard and wanted.

If your love language is words of affirmation, you verbalize your love and praise for your partner. For instance, you may regularly compliment your partner and tell them you love them, regularly send loving messages to your partner, letting them know you are thinking of them, as well as send love letters.

When gift-giving is your love language, you express affection through gift-giving. These gifts do not need to be expensive, as the expression of love stems from the thought put into the gift, not from the price of the gift itself. For major occasions, such as birthdays and holidays, you may put lots of thought into the gifts you give your partner, and may even give your partner small gifts on random occasions to let them know that you saw this item and thought of them.

Acts of service mean that you express your appreciation and love by helping out your partner. When this is your love language, you may run errands, help out around the house, or do other nice things to help your partner. When your partner does things to help you out, it may help you feel appreciated.

Why are love languages important?

The theory of love languages is built upon the understanding that we each express our love differently. So, in a relationship, if your partner does not speak your love language and there is no understanding of love languages, conflict and resentment can build up in a relationship. However, it may not be the case that your partner does not love you, but that you each speak different love languages and simply need to work on your communication to express love for each other in a way that you both can understand.

By using each other’s love languages, you can develop a deeper understanding of each other and work toward making each other feel loved in your relationship. When you discuss languages with each other, you may open up with each other and communicate ways to help improve your love and intimacy in your relationship, which can have long-term benefits in helping you feel closer to each other.

Furthermore, the love languages add a sense of meaning to your actions. When you act without love languages, you may intuitively express love in a way that only you would subconsciously understand to mean you love your partner. But when you consider from their perspective what love is and looks like, then the actions you take to express love in a way for them to understand require that your loving actions are deliberate.

This means that using the love languages in your relationship requires empathy, as you need to consider from your partner’s perspective what would make them feel loved in your relationship. So, when you take action to demonstrate love in your relationship, you may consider using your partner’s love language instead of your own. However, try not to keep score of each love language action your partner takes, as they may not necessarily express their love for you in your language, still using their own language.

How to determine your love language

There are several questions you can ask yourself that can help you determine your love language. Basic questions to start with include: “What can my partner do to help me feel appreciated in our relationship?” or “What do I do to express my love for my partner?” You may ask yourself whether you like when your partner calls you out of the blue to tell you they love you, randomly cook you a nice dinner, surprise you with a sentimental gift, spend a weekend away with you, or hold your hand as you go for a walk together.

More comprehensively, there are tests online to help you determine your love language. To learn your partner’s love language, you may observe the way your partner acts with you, and what they do to demonstrate their appreciation for you. You can also ask them about their love language outright. If they do not know their love language, a fun romantic activity could be taking an online love language test together. Then, you can apply those results to your relationship to help foster feelings of mutual love and appreciation. 

And have the relationship you always imagined.

Winter Coating Is The Latest Dating Trend to Give Singles the Chills

It’s that time of year; the weather is getting colder, and the holidays are here. With more time being spent indoors and events penciled on the calendar where a plus one would be a plus, some singles are becoming laser-focused on finding a romantic partner to add to their lives. At least until spring.

Even better is if that person is someone they’re already comfortable with, allowing them to pick up where they left off. No awkward first dates, no getting-to-know-you period, and, at least for them, no promises. It’s cuffing season with a twist, and it has a name — winter coating. 

What is winter coating?

Winter coating is a phenomenon that goes hand-in-hand with cuffing season. Though winter coating is a relatively new phrase, cuffing season has been in most daters’ vocabulary for much longer. Cuffing season — for those not in the know — is when singles get into relationships when the weather starts to get colder and then break up in the spring with the prospect of summer fun around the bend. 

Generally, relationships that start during cuffing season, officially beginning in November, are meant to last through the holidays until March or April. This is the time of year when many people get into shorter relationships so that they have someone to spend the holidays with or someone to spend time with as more activities move inside due to cold weather.

Winter coating is a similar concept introduced by the dating app Inner Circle, except with winter coating, cuffing involves an ex. Just like someone may start a relationship they intend to last through the winter, someone may also try to get back with an ex for the same reason. It’s similar to getting your winter coat out of the closet. Someone reaches out for it when they need and want it, but when the weather starts to get warmer, back in the closet it goes.

Why are people likely to start winter coating?

There are a few reasons why someone may try winter coating. Similar to the motivations for getting into a relationship during cuffing season, they may want someone to do things with as more activities move out of group settings and indoors. Additionally, the holidays can be a major stressor for some people. Being in a relationship may make them feel less lonely or may help them deal with questions about relationships from parents or family.

Winter coating, however, offers a unique benefit — familiarity. In addition to getting all the perks of a relationship, a winter coat relationship is familiar and doesn’t require as much guesswork in the beginning. Any of the patterns or habits — good or bad — that someone and their ex had the first time they dated may be easy to slide back into.

Crystal Cansdale, a dating expert at Inner Circle, says, “This year, with the pressure of costs going up and people cutting back on dates, there’s the added risk of singles going back to old flings in the same way they dig out their old winter coat for the season. Winter Coating offers the comfort of staying inside, watching Netflix and not actually dating, with someone you’ve already established this dynamic with.”

Given how tumultuous and unpredictable the past few years have been, people may be looking for something familiar. Because some people are still wary of socializing in the aftermath of the pandemic, winter coating may be especially alluring.

What is the best response to winter coating?

f you believe that you’re being winter coated by an ex, think about whether or not re-entering the relationship is a good idea for you. Even though you may be able to do the same fun things you did when you were together, you’ll also likely end up getting into the same fights you got into, too (especially if that was part of why you broke up). 

To protect yourself, talk to your ex about their motivations. You can ask them if they’re actually looking to work on your relationship and build a new one together or if they’re just looking for something casual and short-term. If you don’t want to be in a more casual relationship, you should make this clear, too. If you fail to communicate your non-negotiables, it could cause a lot of fighting and heartbreak in the end, particularly for you.

Final thoughts …

Something short and casual can be fun if that’s what you know you’re signing on for and want. If it isn’t, make sure you’re clear about what you do want and ask your ex to be the same. Otherwise, you may find yourself left out of the cold, even when it’s warm outside. 

What is Catfishing, and How Can You Avoid It?

It’s no secret that cats get a bad rap, and catfishing is certainly no exception to the rule, especially in dating. If you haven’t been a victim of it, you’re truly one of the lucky ones.

For those who’ve been catfishing victims, you know what I’m about to explain. For those unfamiliar with catfishing, listen up because not only am I going to help you identify when it’s happening, but I’m going to give you some tips on how to avoid falling prey.

But first, let’s begin with a discussion of what catfishing is.

What is catfishing?

Catfishing is an online scam where the catfisher pretends to be someone they’re not. The catfisher then zeroes in on their target, usually with the intention of getting that target to fall in love with them so they can ask for money. It should be noted that there can be other reasons for catfishing, discussed below.

Catfishers lure their prey through various means that generally build over time. The deception can involve sending online messages or texts as well as images of individuals they pretend are them. Depending on the catfisher’s style, there may also be emails, letters, and phone calls.

Once the catfisher gains their target’s trust, they’ll move in for what they’re really after, which isn’t love. They’ll often say they need “help” to accomplish some type of task, such as meeting their target in person. Depending on the catfisher’s goal, this in-person meeting will likely never occur.   

With financial catfishing, once the target sends the payment the catfisher requested, the promise of a visit goes unfulfilled. At that time, either the catfisher disappears or comes up with further excuses about why they need more money to accomplish their goal. This can go on for as long as the target stays hooked.   

Why do people catfish? 

The reasons for catfishing vary, and you’ll likely never know why someone was motivated to do it in the first place. A common reason for catfishing is money. Other reasons people catfish are to stalk or harass their target, cyberbully them, have the target perform illegal acts on the catfisher’s behalf, sexually abuse the target, and for the purposes of obtaining information from the target. Yet another is loneliness. 

Sometimes there is more than one reason for catfishing, as revealed in the recent Netflix documentary, “Untold: The Girlfriend Who Didn’t Exist.” The two-hour documentary details the story of Hawaiin-born Notre Dame football player Manti Te’o, who was catfished online.  

A rising football star who appeared both intelligent and kind, he demonstrated how easy it is to become the victim of catfishing. Not to mention the damage it can cause, which can be far-reaching and long-lasting. 

What are the signs of catfishing? 

Fortunately, a catfisher often exhibits certain signs that they may not be on the up and up. The most common of them are:  

• They have no online presence or one that is very limited. (A caveat: some catfishers are skilled at creating what appears to be a well-developed social media presence.) 

• When pressed, they decline any interactions, such as FaceTime or in-person meetings. 

• Their profile was created very recently. (They may have numerous posts within a short period of time to make the profile appear older than it is, so always look at the dates of the posts). 

• The pictures appear to be professional or stock photos. Or something about the photos makes you suspect the images may have been stolen. (Tip: If you’re suspicious, try doing an image search.) 

• The person asks you for money (or some other favor, including explicit photos) fairly quickly. 

• Your gut tells you something isn’t quite right. 

How can I avoid being catfished? 

Unfortunately, it’s pretty difficult to avoid attempts from catfishers altogether, even if you keep your social media accounts private and are protective of your personal information. People who catfish can be pretty crafty and persistent when they want something.  

That said, here are a few tips to keep you safe:  

• Your intuition is your best friend, so be sure to listen to them if they’re whispering in your ear that something smells fishy about an interaction online. 

• Don’t honor the catfisher’s request; don’t send money, photos, or anything else the catfisher requests, including personal information.  

• Block the suspicious account.  

• Report the suspicious account to the platform it came from. 

What should I do if I have been catfished? 

If you’ve already been a victim of catfishing and have, for example, sent money to an individual you now realize catfished you:  

• Block the suspicious account.  

• Report the suspicious account to the platform it came from. 

• Contact law enforcement or file a complaint with the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center. 

Final thoughts … 

According to recent data, as of January 2022, in the U.S. alone, 13% of those surveyed said they had “definitely believed they had interacted with a catfish online.” Seventeen percent said they “probably” did.   

In the U.S., other data reveals that the average catfishing victim lost more than $15,000. Equally as disturbing, catfishing costs victims more than $187 million yearly.  

The bottom line? Catfishing is a major problem that doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon. But with enough attention, you can help prevent yourself from becoming a statistic. If you have any questions about your interactions online, I can help. Call me today.      

My Partner Wants to Share in My Hobby, But I Don’t Want Them To

Typically, we hear of partners who are unwilling to take interest in their partner’s hobbies. However, there’s a flip side, which is having a partner who wants to participate in your hobby, but you don’t want them to. 

It may seem strange at first thought, considering how some people actually ask that their partners participate in their hobbies with them. In partnerships, after all, you should want to share your life with your partner, including your passions, which can manifest tangibly as hobbies. 

Still, you find yourself in the situation of having a partner who wants to participate in your hobby, at a level that is more than the bare minimum, yet you aren’t keen on the idea. But why? Spoiler alert: The reason may not be “bad,” nor do they have to mean the end of your relationship. 

To find out what your reluctance means, here are a few questions to ask yourself. 

Why don’t I want to share my hobby with my partner?

The first answer that comes to mind is that your hobby is your thing, meaning you do it alone. Some people are more extroverted than others, and your hobby may function as an outlet to give a more introverted person like yourself some space to recharge and unwind. Even for a more extroverted person, everyone needs at least a little bit of time to be on their own and practice self-care.

Space is healthy in a relationship, to a degree. When partners have the ability to part ways for a period and do their own thing, they can have something new to say when they return to each other. Furthermore, space allows partners to maintain a sense of individuality within the relationship. Too little space can be problematic over time because it may make you feel smothered, and too much space would defeat the sense of dependability necessary in a relationship entirely.

What purpose in my life does my hobby serve?

Are you and your partner spending every minute of every day together, and your hobby is your one outlet to be alone? Or is it that, whenever you have free time, you choose to participate in your hobby over spending quality time with your partner? 

If your reasoning for not wanting your partner to share in your hobby is that you want to have something that is just for you, and you believe that you’re giving your partner plenty of time and attention, talk it through. Communicate with them that you need a bit of time for just yourself and that you will still do plenty of other activities with them.

How much time am I devoting to my hobby?

Next, you need to ask yourself how much time you’re devoting to your hobby. Is it just an hour at the end of the night to yourself, or do you devote entire weekends to your hobby? It may be the case that you’re not spending enough time with your partner, and the reason they’re asking to participate in your hobby with you is that they want to see more of you.

We only have 24 hours in a day but infinite hours worth of things we want to do. So we have to make choices, including spending time with our partner or participating in our hobby. That said, a hobby shouldn’t be an all-or-nothing proposition.

Relationships are about compromise, which means, in the example of a film buff, instead of having the time to watch movie marathons every weekend, you may only watch one film a week. This may not sound like the answer hobby enthusiasts would like to hear, but if you choose your hobby over your partner, your partner most likely will not stick around for very long.

What are my relationship priorities?

Hobbies and relationships can and do successfully coexist, but as soon as hobbies get in the way of quality time between partners, relationship trouble may follow because consistently choosing a hobby over your relationship suggests that you value that hobby more than your partner. So, in the situation of not wanting your partner to participate in your hobby, you may need to ask yourself more broad questions about the nature of your relationship, such as: Do I truly want to be in my relationship? Or, Am I emotionally unavailable?

The answer to these questions may not be a simple yes or no. You may like your partner a lot as a person and enjoy hanging out with them, but you may not necessarily value being in a relationship to the same extent as some of your hobbies. You simply may not be willing to commit that much time to a relationship and instead may have different priorities, including your hobbies.

Final thoughts …

Emotional unavailability can come in many forms, including not having the time for a relationship, and may even reveal itself in your unwillingness to share a hobby with your partner. It can feel strange to reach the realization that you may not want that serious of a relationship or want one with a particular person.

A partner who doesn’t give you space can be detrimental as well. Regardless, being aware of your long-term goals and communicating them with your partner are both key to any successful relationship.

How to Deal With an Inconsistent Partner

Consistency describes the predictable actions and patterns in a relationship that enable you to build a sense of trust in your partner over time. In a stable relationship, you can easily predict your partner’s behaviors and how they will react in many situations. 

Perhaps even more important, you can depend on what your partner says, meaning that if they make a promise to you, you know from experience that it is not an empty platitude and actions back their words. To put it simply, you know what to expect from them. The result is that, over time, you grow to have confidence in your relationship. Unfortunately, not every partner is consistent.

Why is consistency important?

Ultimately, consistency is the foundation of a strong relationship. Consistency is a prerequisite for stability, which brings about accountability, trust, honesty, and emotional intimacy between partners. Consistency fosters an environment in which love can grow. 

Because consistency is desirable, people look for it in relationships. Some also tend to find it, even when it is not actually there. They ignore the signs of an inconsistent partner, excuse them away, or are not actually aware of what an inconsistent partner looks like. The result is never good, which is why it is helpful to understand what an inconsistent partner looks like. 

What are the signs of an inconsistent partner?

Given how important consistency in a relationship is, it is a wonder how so many people find themselves in a relationship with an inconsistent partner and putting up with it. Often, it is because people don’t recognize the signs or, if they do, excuse them away. Regardless of the reason, here are a few red flags to look out for.  

1. They don’t make much of an effort.

The relationship may feel very one-sided. You are putting in all of the work, making time for your partner, and trying to be emotionally vulnerable with them. But regardless of what you do, they do not reciprocate. Instead, it feels like you are pulling teeth to get them to see you or text you back. They, in turn, do the bare minimum to keep you hooked.

This behavior is called breadcrumbing. The breadcrumber does as little as possible to keep their partner starving for attention, keeping them lukewarm until they decide that someone better has come along. Lack of effort can make you feel unappreciated and neglected, which can harm your self-esteem over time.

2. They flake on plans.

If you have plans set with an inconsistent partner at a specific time, they often will go silent the day that you have said plans, cancel at the last minute, or, worse, not show up. Having your partner flake on you is hurtful because it demonstrates that you cannot depend on them. This feeling can cause you to lose faith in your relationship.

Making plans is the equivalent of making a promise. The pattern of breaking promises is harmful in a relationship because it shows you cannot trust that your partner will be there for you. If they cannot show up during the small moments, what will happen during the big ones? 

Very often, their frequent cancelations are the tip of the iceberg. If your partner is canceling your plans or standing you up, you will likely find that they are breaking other promises in your relationship, more serious ones.

3. Their words don’t match their actions.

They say, “I love you,” but treat you like an afterthought. They call you their partner but refuse to open up to you or lean on you in their time of need or be there for you when you need them. They say they want to spend more time with you, but they are always busy, and you rarely see them or even hear from them. 

They make lofty promises with a lack of a concrete plan or any real ability to hold up to the promises. 

They tell you exactly what you want to hear. But as nice as their words sound, the inevitable mismatch between their words and actions, their lack of follow-through, only leaves you disappointed and increasingly frustrated. 

4. They are hot and cold.

Some days, your partner may “show up,” showering you with love and being everything you want and more. On other days, however, they may give you the cold shoulder and seem to forget you exist. In some cases, your partner may go through these shifts over the course of a day, where everything is good until it isn’t, and you are left confused about why your partner has suddenly gone cold on you. 

As a result, you feel like you have to walk on eggshells in order to avoid upsetting your partner. But despite your best efforts, you continue to come up short because what is driving your partner to shut you out is well beyond your control. You just haven’t realized it yet. 

5. They don’t introduce you to their friends and family and have no intention of doing so.

You have been in a relationship with your partner for a while now, but you have yet to meet your partner’s friends, family, or anyone significant in their life. Similarly, when they talk about plans for the future, it does not sound like you are a part of those plans. This behavior suggests that they do not see you as a long-term prospect or are serious about you or your relationship. 

What should you do if you have an inconsistent partner?

When dealing with an inconsistent partner, you may worry that it spells the end of the relationship. However, it need not be the case. There are ways to work on your relationship or at least ascertain whether the behavior you are experiencing is indeed the mark of a disinterested partner. 

1. Communicate

The first step in handling any conflict in a relationship is communication. Your partner cannot read your mind, and they may not even be aware that you are dissatisfied. So, talk to them about it. Some people are naturally flaky, but if they are willing to work on their behavior once you alert them to it, it is often a good sign.

As you have your conversation, be sure to frame your words in a non-accusatory fashion. You don’t want to put your partner on the defensive; you are partners, not rivals. You need to work together to solve problems in your relationship.

2. Set an example as a consistent partner.

Be a role model of consistency to demonstrate your expectations to your partner. To that end, set realistic expectations, remain true to your word, and be there for your partner when they need you. Be honest and direct when their behavior is anything less than what you deserve.

3. Keep putting effort into the relationship

Spend quality time with your partner to further strengthen your bond. If your partner responds well to the effort you are putting into the relationship, don’t pull back even though you may be inclined to see if your partner will be happy with less. 

Pulling back may make you appear inconsistent, which could then make your partner insecure in the relationship. Relationships require effort from both partners.

4. Seek guidance from a relationship counselor or dating coach.

If your efforts are still not working, you can always turn to a couples counselor or dating coach. An experienced professional can help facilitate communication and advise you about what strategies to implement in your relationship that will create stability, causing you and your partner to each feel more comfortable and secure.

Final thoughts …

If your partner is resistant to making improvements in your relationship, then you should start thinking about looking for a partner elsewhere. Your relationship should be a source of support for you to grow as a human — with your partner and as an individual. A romantic relationship should also be enjoyable. 

When you have an inconsistent person in your life, one you can never rely on, their inconsistency becomes the only thing you can rely on. So ask yourself: Is that the relationship I want?

Why Does My Partner Want to Argue About Everything?

Have you noticed that the conversations you have with your partner always seem to end in arguments, even when you discuss topics with zero stakes? Have you noticed how much they seem to enjoy arguing? Are you getting sick of it?

Sure, it can be entertaining as a mental exercise to debate silly topics every once in a while, and even significant arguments are healthy in relationships from time to time because they provide an opportunity for open communication. But having every single conversation devolve into a debate? It can get exhausting quickly.

So what can you do about your partner’s propensity to take everything you say to task? The first step is to understand why they may be starting arguments with you. From there, you can then choose how to handle these situations when they come up.

Reasons Why Your Partner Wants to Argue About Everything

1. They are unhappy.

Whether the reason has to do with you specifically or because they are dissatisfied with some other aspect of their life, they may be coping by displacing their negative feelings. The modus operandi? Picking arguments over seemingly nothing. 

In other words, they are taking out their frustrations on you. Annoying as it is, more importantly, it is unfair and warrants a longer discussion about healthy communication and the standards by which you should treat each other in a relationship.

2. They are insecure.

When some people suffer from low self-esteem, they sometimes feel the need to compensate for their lack of self-worth by putting down others. For example, if an individual is insecure about their intelligence, they may overcompensate by showing off how smart they are. 

They can do this by, you guessed it, regularly starting debates with others, questioning ideas, and attempting to prove why they are right and everyone else, including you, is wrong. 

3. That is how their parents interacted.

Our upbringing plays a crucial role in how we behave in relationships as adults. In many ways, we learn our communication skills from our parents. So when we have parents who criticize and question each other and argue over everything, we can pick up those same habits and carry them into adulthood. 

If you have been around your partner’s family and they speak in a similar fashion to your partner, then your partner may have learned those traits during childhood. So, for your partner, the argumentative behavior may just be their normal style of communication, as unwelcome as it is for you. They may not even be aware of it.

4. This is their nature.

People exist all over the spectrum of agreeableness. On one end are people pleasers who actively go out of their way to prevent conflict and arguments even to their own detriment, while on the other end are high-conflict personalities. The latter group can include stubborn people who are set in their ways with no room for alternative perspectives, as well as eristic people who actively enjoy the spirit of debate. 

Another way to say this is that some people naturally have argumentative personalities, and that is just who they are. They will start arguments simply because they enjoy arguing or because they cannot empathize with others. In any event, this is who they are. As the late Maya Angelou said, “When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” Thereafter, you need to make some serious choices.

What to Do About Your Partner’s Need to Argue

While constant arguing can threaten a relationship, it does not have to lead to a breakup. There are specific ways to handle your partner’s love of mental sparring and your distaste for it.

1. Learn to live with it.

As discussed earlier, your partner’s argumentative spirit may simply be part of who they are and that it was part of who they were when you met and fell in love. Our partners will never be perfect, and they will always have traits that irritate us. 

So ask yourself if their love of and desire to start debates over everything is worth ending your relationship over. If you answered no, then accepting them for who they are may very well be what you have to do to keep your relationship. As the saying goes, love ‘em or leave ‘em.

2. Exit the conversation when a debate begins.

You can help your partner improve their habits with how you respond. For example, if you notice they are trying to pick a fight, you can stay composed and exit the conversation instead. In other words, make it a point not to engage. 

You can do this by picking your battles and letting them “win” the argument they started (because who cares anyway). You can do this by acknowledging their perspective or saying something along the lines of “I see what you mean” and not fighting back. Alternatively, you can tell them that you are not going to argue right now and leave the room or go for a walk. 

But whatever you do, don’t let them rile you up. Acting or, rather, reacting may make you say something you regret, causing an even larger argument to ensue.

3. Communicate how you feel about the constant debating.

However, if you determine that you can no longer put up with their constant debating and questioning of you, you need to communicate that to them. They may not realize their need to debate, and their love of it negatively impacts you. In that case, tell them how you are feeling and how their habitual arguing is affecting you.

That said, be careful not to sound accusatory or attack their character. You do not want to put your partner on the defensive. Instead, you will want to create an environment in which you can enjoy an open stream of dialogue without one of you feeling uncomfortable. So see how receptive they are to repairing your dynamic and, if necessary …  

4. Seek help from a mental health professional or relationship coach.

If you are still unable to resolve the constant bickering in your relationship or feel you need additional support, you can seek help from a mental health professional or relationship coach. Such a professional can facilitate open dialogue between you and your partner while also coming up with new communication strategies to implement in your relationship. 

Final thoughts …

Some relationships are worth saving, and others are not. But to identify which are which, you need to address issues with your partner as they arise and make critical decisions together about how you will handle them. Hopefully, you and your partner will agree that the best method to improve your communication skills is one topic worth debating. 

Dogfishing: The Dating App Trend That Works for Men, Says Science

Dating apps are a popular method for meeting a prospective partner. But because competition on dating apps is fierce, increasingly, men have taken to a strategy called dogfishing to help them become the pick of the litter.  

Are you thinking that’s dog gone ridiculous? Think again. A new study has shown that these men might actually be onto something because those who go dogfishing get more matches online. But is this tactic right for you? You be the judge.  

What is dogfishing? 

Dogfishing is a phrase that has surfaced in the past few years. Like catfishing, where someone lures someone else into a relationship using fake images or a fake personality (though less sinister because the identity of those who dogfish is real), the dogfisher posts photos on their dating profiles of themselves with dogs to build attraction.  

Simple, right? That depends. For some men, there’s a catch: The dog isn’t necessarily theirs. Ethical? The jury is still out.  

Is dogfishing ethical? 

Men have been using dogs in their dating profiles for many years to try and get potential matches to swipe right, regardless of whether the dog in the photo is their own or not. Many don’t see an issue with using someone else’s dog in their photo, arguing that they aren’t saying that the dog in the photo is their dog in the first place.  

Some women feel that it borders too close to lying or manipulation, however. The presence of the dog in the photo suggests that the person has a close relationship with the dog. 

Terry Nguyen wrote this about dogfishing for The Washington Post in 2019: 

 This cultural obsession with dogs on the apps has spiraled into another problem: Daters are posting photos of pups they don’t own, to attract matches. “Dogfishing” is not exactly a lie — the person did take a photo with that dog — but to some daters, it feels like a veiled form of deception. And things can get awkward fast when a date realizes that the pet in the profile solely exists as bait. 

Some women will care, others won’t. But it seems like dogfishing is here to stay because, the fact of the matter is, dogfishing works. Here’s what one study has to say about it.  

Does dogfishing work? 

According to LADbible, a new study out of the University of Jaén in Spain found that women were more at ease when they saw photos of men with dogs. When they felt more at ease seeing a potential match on the app, they were more likely to match with them and start up a conversation.  

Indeed, it appears that, if you’re a guy, something as simple as holding a dog in your profile’s photos can drastically increase your chances of matching with someone. But the study also revealed that not every dog will garner the same result. 

What is the most effective way to dogfish? 

The University of Jaén study also found that certain details or circumstances made someone swiping right more likely, even with a dog in the photo. 

Photos in which men are with a smaller dog are more likely to be received well than those in which they are with a medium, large, or more-threatening dog. Because dogs put the women in the study at ease, a dog that counteracts that initial reaction is more likely to counteract a desire to swipe right. 

Similarly, photos taken in a public or well-lit place were better than photos taken in darker places and were more likely to get a positive reaction from the women in the study. Such photos are also more likely to get a match.  

So, even if the dog in the photo puts a woman at ease, if the context of the photo is negative, that effect might be counteracted. The best way to dogfish is, therefore, to take a photo in a positive context with a smaller or less-threatening dog. 

Conclusion 

Dogs make excellent friends, and they can bolster our moods. And, they might very well be the best wingman (or wingwoman) you have around.  

So the next time you’re deciding what photo to put in your profile, think about using one with a dog. Just be aware that the woman who swiped right on you might be just as interested in meeting you as they are your furry friend, perhaps more.  

Should You Get Back With Your Ex After a Breakup?

“Dumper” or “dumpee,” the question of whether you should get back together with your ex after breaking up seems to come up more often than not. After all, you rationalize, you got together for a reason, so there must have been a time when you were happy. So you think, “Perhaps we could capture that magic again.”  

You begin reflecting on the good times and miss them. And maybe, just maybe, they have been feeling the same. You consider sending “that” message. Though, hopefully, not the one Adam Levine recently sent. Or maybe your ex already tried to make contact with you.  

Regardless, before contemplating the bigger question of whether you should get back together, there are several questions you need to ask yourself first. Here they are. 

Why did you break up? 

If the answer to this question is that your relationship partner was abusive toward you, whether physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, or financially, the answer should be NO. Don’t get back together. Abusers do not change; any form of abuse should always be a dealbreaker. Notwithstanding the fact that any type of abuse puts you in harm’s way, you deserve better.  

Similarly, if your ex was a serial cheater or pathological liar, chances are, they have not changed either, so I would not recommend taking that ex back, either. Again, you deserve better.  

However, if you broke up due to issues that could have been resolved with proper communication, such as slowly becoming disenchanted with each other over time and feeling unappreciated in the relationship, there are several other factors you should consider before making a decision to get back together. Read on. 

How long has it been since your breakup? 

If you broke up yesterday, chances are, neither you nor your ex had the chance to introspect and learn from your relationship, which means that if you were to get back together today, you would pretty much be picking up right where you left off.  

Get back together too soon and have the same fights and continue to feel dissatisfied with certain aspects of your relationships, you will likely end up breaking up again, and that is no fun. The bottom line is that without changing anything about your past relationship, and yourselves for that matter, you are pretty much doomed to repeat the same behaviors that compromised your relationship in the first place, which will only prolong the heartache of your breakup. Only time apart can bring perspective.  

However, if it has been several weeks or months, or even years later, and you and your ex just randomly stumble on each other in a coffee shop, for example, there is a chance that the person you are meeting now is no longer the person you remember them being. Time is a strong healer; as you go through life, each of your experiences is formative, and the wisdom you acquire (hopefully) can change you little by little until you emerge with a more mature perspective on life. 

That said, it is also possible that you have spent too much time apart. Upon reacquainting yourself with your ex, you may realize that you are now too different from each other. Or that you have been putting them on a pedestal in your mind all this time and actually do not want to be with them anymore. Finally, you may have simply been missing the idea of them. They may feel similarly about you, which can still be heartbreaking to realize.  

Additionally, there is the possibility that despite the passage of time, you or your ex have not matured at all. That is why the next question is critical for determining whether reconciliation is possible or even a good idea.  

What have you learned from your breakup? 

Given that you did not break up with your ex for a fundamental, unforgivable dealbreaker such as abuse, the reality is that you went wrong somewhere in your relationship. It is easy to pin blame on your ex and reflect on everything they did to you, but if you aim to get back together with them, you need to abandon your victim mindset. It is pretty much a given that you made mistakes in your relationship, too. 

Maybe you struggled with communication, or you were the one who did not appreciate your ex. Maybe you used to press their buttons — deliberately. Whatever it was, you need to have the understanding that there is something to learn from past mistakes in your relationship so that you can most effectively avoid making those mistakes again and bringing about another breakup. You also want to make sure you are getting back together for the right reasons, not because you are lonely. 

Are you willing to put in the work? 

After spending time apart, you will need to recognize that you simply cannot pick up where you left off. You and your ex should be different people now; hopefully, both of you have learned from your breakup, worked on yourselves and your issues, and are willing to put in the effort to move forward together.  

You will need to take time to reacquaint yourself with each other. You will also need to rebuild the trust you may have lost as a result of your breakup and time apart. 

More importantly, you will need to be patient with each other and set realistic expectations. Most likely, your relationship did not end all at once, even if it came to a head in a single event. Your relationship's demise was most likely a slow breakdown, as you each engaged in habits that left the relationship weaker.  

Final thoughts … 

You are not perfect, and neither is your ex; you each may backslide into some old habits that previously hurt your relationship. However, for your relationship to continue, what you need to do is be cognizant of these bad habits, catch yourself engaging in them early, and work together to create the relationship you both claim to want. Remember, it takes two to break up as much as it does to make up.   

When You Notice Your Partner Is ‘Quietly Quitting’ Your Relationship

There has been a lot of conversation post-pandemic about people who are “quietly quitting” their jobs, or at least thinking about it. If you're unfamiliar with the term, when you quietly quit your job, you still show up for work but come with a commitment to yourself to only do what your job description requires to keep yourself employed. No more, no less. Unfortunately, the result for those who quietly quit is generally a demonstratable lack of enthusiasm for the position, a subtle refusal to put in extra effort when asked, and an unwillingness to seek out additional projects or hours to impress the powers that be.

Though quietly quitting is a less obvious way for employees to express their dissatisfaction with the pre-pandemic status quo, which favored a work-life balance with an emphasis on the work part, employers are taking notice. Why? They can see and feel the difference in not only output but attitude. The same holds in relationships.    

Romantic partners may quietly quit their relationships, as described in this recent article from the New York Post, gradually becoming complacent about their partners but not pulling the plug. It seems to happen slowly at first and can look like this: Your partner stops doing the little things that make you feel loved and important. Then they stop doing the bigger things, like spending time with you. Indeed, it can feel like you're single, although you’re still in a committed relationship.

The emotional neglect you face as a result can be devastating. However, when you confront your partner about the issue, they may say they’re just busy. They may claim they don’t want to break up if you press them, that everything is fine. But you know there’s more to their behavior and want to understand why. If this sounds familiar to you, read on.

Why is my partner quietly quitting emotionally on me?

To help explain why some people may quietly quit their relationships, it’s helpful to first look at why people quietly quit their jobs because the reasons aren’t all that different. For example, people quietly quit their jobs because they’re stuck in a toxic work environment or have a horrible boss, causing them to stop caring about their work.

However, because these individuals need a paycheck, and it doesn’t seem like there are any promising job prospects for them at the moment, or they don’t feel like putting in the effort to go through a job search, they stay. That is, at least until their boss puts them out of their misery by letting them go, after which they have no choice but to search for a new job. Yet another reason for staying is they haven’t decided for sure that they want to quit because maybe they’re worried the grass may not be greener somewhere else.

In relationships where one partner quietly quits, the complacent partner may similarly have one foot in the door and the other foot out. This behavior invariably makes their partner a placeholder until someone better comes along, they take the leap and make the break themselves with no one waiting in the wings, or the neglected partner does them a favor and kicks them to the curb.

In the meantime, the quietly quitting partner continues to gain the benefits of being in a relationship, putting in only the minimum effort to get what they need. Yet, at the same time, their mind wanders, and their eyes look elsewhere. Of course, they don’t want their partner in the way a partner in a healthy relationship should, but they don’t want to be alone, so they stick it out for the time being.

The unfortunate part is that all too often, the neglected partner tries harder, at least at first, and puts more of themselves into the relationship to return to that sweet spot when they first felt a spark. But, unfortunately, when that doesn’t work, the neglected partner pulls away too, causing the relationship to devolve further, perhaps end.

Both partners can probably agree that they each deserve better, with one person usually wanting to try making it better, i.e., the person who’s not quietly quitting. So, short of ending the relationship and in the interest of saving it, what can be done to prevent a partner from quietly quitting their relationship?

What can I do to stop my partner from quietly quitting our relationship?

The first step is to speak up and tell your partner how you’re feeling, specifically that you’re feeling neglected and your needs aren’t being met. That said, don’t cast blame. Instead, use language that begins with “I” rather than “You,” as in “I feel,” not “You make me feel.”

After that, your job is to listen to your partner’s responses, gauge them against what you believe to be accurate, consider what role you may have played in causing their behavior, and seek to make changes to your own actions (if that’s how you decide to proceed). You may also want to come out and ask your partner if they would like to end the relationship. If they say no, that they would like to stay and work on it with you, you need to commit to this process together.   

However, if you find over time that your partner’s words don’t match their actions, that they’re still complacent about you and the relationship, you need to be clear about your path. The worst thing you can do is cling harder to your partner because, just as in physics, where every action has an equal and opposite reaction, so, too, will your partner, with them likely pulling further away. At this point, there’s one thing you can do, and that is to leave the relationship.

Final thoughts …

Healthy relationships are satisfying for both partners. No one should feel their partner is quietly quitting on them, and no one should feel complacent about the partner they’re dating. If you believe you’ve become complacent about dating in general and that quietly quitting relationships is a pattern, perhaps you’re suffering from dating burnout and either need a break or a new approach to picking your partners.

Regardless, if either scenario is the case, the relationship should end, and both you and your partner should move on to find someone special who will fulfill you. Not all relationships are meant to last. So take your cues and free yourself to find one that will.

7 Ways to Show Support for Your Partner During Difficult Times

We all go through rough patches in our lives. Part of being a good partner is being supportive during difficult times. Of course, that is often easier said than done, not only because you may not have been the partner you wanted to be previously, but also because you may not have known how to. What follows is a discussion about how you can show your partner you are there for them when they may need you most.

1. Check in with them.

If you notice your partner is feeling down and not acting as they usually do, such as isolating themselves, acting irritable or angry, or appearing like they are in a funk, start by checking in on them. A simple, “Is something upsetting you?” can be a good jumping-off point. However, some people are more forthcoming about their feelings than others. 

Should this be the case with your partner, or they have a history of passive-aggressive behavior, ask yourself if there is something you could have done to upset them. If you are not aware of anything, look to factors in your partner’s life that may be responsible: a challenging time at work, a sick relative, a disappointment, or a life change, to name a few possibilities.

Next, communicate to your partner that you noticed they have not been their usual self and seem like they may not be OK. Explain what you have noticed that has led you to this conclusion. By doing so, you open the door for your partner to confide in you about what is going on.

Now, how you respond from here will be key to how adept you are at being a supportive partner. This is why you should …

2. Just listen at first.

If you are lucky and your partner shares with you why they are upset, simply listen. Let them get everything they need to off of their chest first before speaking. Depending on what the issue is, you may instinctually want to tell them their problem is not that big of a deal, they are overreacting, or you can fix it for them.

While these comments may be true and come from your heart, this isn’t necessarily what your partner wants to hear. At least just yet. So, when they have finished speaking to you, ask this: Would you like to hear my thoughts about what you just told me?

If your partner says yes, tread carefully. It still doesn’t mean you cut loose and say anything and everything that is on your mind. Instead, do the following.   

3. Ask what you can do to support them.

Whether or not you know or have some understanding of why your partner is feeling unhappy, your next step should be to ask them what you can do to provide them with the support they need. However, you still need to be careful not to take on their problems and try to fix things for them. This may make people feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even smothered.

Depending on how your partner reacts to stress, they may ask for some space. It can be very difficult to give it to them. But it is critical to the health of your relationship that if your partner communicates such a need you listen.

Make clear to your partner that if they need space, it is OK. However, also let them know they can depend on you for emotional support if they choose, and you will be there for them if and when they do.

4. Find ways to bring your partner joy and show them how much you appreciate them.

When your partner is dealing with problems from other aspects of their life, one of your greatest assets as their partner is that you can help them escape for a little bit. Rather than reminding them of what is bringing them down, you can be a haven for happiness. You can do this in a variety of ways.

You can use their love language, as described in Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” to determine what type of attention they would respond to best. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you can give reminders of how much you love and care for them and how wonderful you think they are. Or if their love language is time, give them more of it.

Maybe you can plan a fun date night, such as going to that new restaurant you have been meaning to try and then getting ice cream, or a night in playing games and watching a movie. It doesn’t matter, as long as your partner is receptive.

5. Don’t make the problem about you (unless it is about you).

When you are in a relationship and your partner admits that they are unhappy, even if the source of unhappiness is unrelated to you, it can be difficult to separate yourself from their feelings and think it stems from you anyway.

You may try to absorb their unhappiness and fix the situation for them as a result. However, in doing this, as discussed earlier, you risk overstepping your partner’s boundaries, angering them, causing resentment, or making them feel smothered. Furthermore, you risk your own mental health by working to fix someone else and what’s likely beyond your control.

6. That said, don’t let your partner make you the villain (unless you are).

Sometimes, when a partner is going through stress, they may become angry and irritable, taking out their negative feelings on you. They may criticize you, make you feel bad, or get angry with you very quickly.

While you may sympathize with their plight, this kind of behavior is unacceptable because it can lead to other abusive behaviors. Therefore, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you will not tolerate this treatment. In other words, you should enforce your own boundaries. If you are still having trouble …

7. Ask for outside help.

When your partner is going through a hard time, you may feel like you are going through a hard time, too. And your relationship during this time may suffer as a consequence.

We often think of relationships as 50-50. But a true 50-50 dynamic is impossible at every moment, as there will sometimes be a partner who may need more than they are able to give. Your dynamic may mean both of you need an added pair of hands, an empathetic ear, or advice.

If your partner doesn’t appear to be making any progress or lacks the ability to handle their problems, even with you there, you may want to help them seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you need assistance getting them to this point, look to others in your and their network for support.

Final thoughts …

When you are the one supporting your partner, it is important that you engage in self-care. To that end, see your friends and family, engage in your favorite hobbies and pastimes, and spend time away from your partner to clear your head.

Also, if you feel you could benefit from a mental health professional, seek that out as well. Just as you wouldn’t expect your partner to get through a difficult time on their own, neither should you.

When Your Love Loves Sports, And You Don’t

You don’t like sports, but your partner, you’re starting to think, is obsessed. You really want to make your relationship work, but you’re having trouble getting on board with the constant games and their interference in your life. You find sports meaningless and boring. You feel a little silly for making sports such a point of contention in your relationship, but you can’t help how you feel.

Good news. As someone who has counseled couples for more than 30 years, I’m here to tell you that you shouldn’t feel bad. This is a problem that couples everywhere have been facing for years.

While some hobbies can be time-intensive, sports have the bonus factor of having games played at regularly scheduled times, often in the evenings during dinner and on weekends, afternoon and night. When your partner works during the week and devotes much of their weekends to watching sporting events, it may feel frustrating after a while because it appears as if they don’t have or aren’t interested in making time for you.

Not to mention, it’s making it crazy difficult to plan fun things to do with your partner over the weekends, such as day trips, work around the house, or longer excursions if your partner is simply choosing to be glued to the TV right in the middle of the day. That said, there’s hope. You and your partner should still be able to make things work. With a little effort, of course, some flexibility, and a willingness to compromise. Since you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, here are a few tips for how you can improve the situation.

Get your head in the game.

Getting your head in the game means not only tolerating your partner’s love for sports but trying to get into the sport(s) they love more than you are now. You can’t change your partner, and attempting to do so will only drive a wedge between you. Asking your partner to no longer engage in a hobby that they are deeply passionate about is akin to asking your partner to give up an important part of themselves. And belittling them for loving what they love could be deeply upsetting for them, so avoid saying things like, “Sports are stupid.”

Instead, embrace the reality that being a sports fan is part of who your partner is. Just as you have your hobbies, they have theirs. As a healthy partner yourself, the best thing you can do is find ways to be supportive, even of their love of sports. That may mean offering a degree of flexibility to your partner, as there will always be certain games they will want to watch in real-time. For example, a football fan will almost certainly want to watch the Super Bowl live. More broadly than that, and on a more regular basis, your partner may want to watch their favorite team play, which means they will not be available to spend time with you at those times — at least not away from those events. Hear me out.

To show support for your partner and get involved at a level comfortable for you, despite not loving the game itself, you could host weekly viewing parties or barbecues during the sports season, go to your partner’s favorite sports game in-person occasionally as a fun date (everyone still needs their alone time with friends), or to a restaurant/bar that has the game on TV, and even occasionally wear your partner’s favorite sports jersey, even if just around the house, to show support for their team. Your partner may actually find that sexy, depending on how you play it off.

Open up the floor for a discussion about the role sports play in your relationship.

While many sports fans enjoy long, happy relationships with non-sports fans, sports can spell trouble for your relationship if your partner consistently chooses to watch the game over spending time with you. The thing is, your sports fan may not realize how their behavior is affecting you. After all, they’re busy watching sports. Which is why it’s up to you to let them know. In a nice way, naturally.

Open communication is the key to any healthy relationship. Without it, you risk resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms, like passive-aggressive behavior, which can negatively affect a relationship over time. If you love your partner, you most certainly don’t want that. So speak up now. Then suggest ways you can each compromise.

It may mean your partner watches some games with you, and others on their own or with friends. At the beginning of the sports season(s), you could also go over the game schedule of your partner’s favorite team(s), then plan ahead for your dates and weekend trips, giving your partner the time to figure out how to work their love of sports into a schedule that works for both of you.

You can likewise communicate (nicely) to your partner that watching sports isn’t your jam. As much as your partner doesn’t need to change what they enjoy (or don’t), neither should you. But what it is that you still must be is respectful.

To that end, if you feel yourself mentally checking out every time your partner starts talking about sports with you, let them know that you don’t love talking about sports all the time, but be sure to make more of an effort to be engaged when you do. Then pivot to other topics. If you’re truly compatible as a couple, that compatibility will show up in other areas of your life. And if you realize you can’t find other common ground, well, that’s something you should think about delving into more seriously.

Finally, and just as importantly, if your partner tells you how your ambivalence about sports makes them feel, hear them out. Listening is as important in healthy communication as speaking up is. Then ask yourself: What am I going to do about it?

Compromise for the win.

Strong relationships are all about how well you can each compromise. Just as your partner can’t expect you to become a sports fan overnight or ever, you can’t expect your partner to give up sports forever. Instead, work with your love to find a happy medium for both of you, ensuring that you still have plenty of quality time together on and off the field — so neither one of you winds up playing the field somewhere else.

Are You Dating Someone Emotionally Unstable?

It’s the honeymoon stage of dating. The person you’ve been dating appears perfect or pretty close to it. You have intimate conversations and lots in common. Not to mention, the sex is amazing. You fall hard, believing this may be it. You’ve finally found your match. 

The problem is, while your partner was courting you, they were on their best behavior. And as you grew more comfortable with them, so, too, did they with you. Except now, you’re not so sure you always like what you see. Their mask, it seems, has started to slip, and they have these moments of instability when it feels like you don’t know them at all.  

You suspect they may be emotionally unstable, but they already have your heart. This realization can be devastating. Is your relationship doomed? The answer is not necessarily. 

But first, what is emotional instability, and how can you identify it?  

Emotional instability describes an individual’s inability to regulate their emotions and behaviors at any given time. When dating someone emotionally unstable, you may feel as though you’re walking on eggshells with them. The most classic symptom of emotional instability is mood swings.  

Emotionally unstable people are often volatile. Anything can set an emotionally unstable person off, and you never know if you will be dealing with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde until you are. They get angry easily and are prone to outbursts, which are usually set off by even the most seemingly minor misstep. They may also have episodes of prolonged crying or uncontrollable laughter.   

An emotionally unstable partner is typically keen on drama. It seems like they’re just a magnet for it. It may even be the case that their family is overly dramatic, too. This may be so because emotional responses can be rooted in both genetic and environmental factors. 

Emotionally unstable individuals tend to complain frequently and have a strong sense of entitlement, creating an air of negative energy around them. In talking to them, they may simply feel too intense.  

During a conversation with an emotionally unstable partner, you may notice their sense of empathy is impaired. If you seek their emotional support, they may steer the conversation back to themselves. They may also try to one-up you, meaning that if you say you had a bad day, they will make it about them and even claim their day was worse. In the same vein, if you say you have a goal, their goal will be grander than yours.  

More nefariously, emotionally unstable people may exhibit manipulative tendencies. They may gaslight you if you call them out on their emotionally unstable behavior, causing you to question your own sanity as a result. 

Even in their everyday lives, in between overt emotionally unstable behavior, there may seem to be instability surrounding them. When faced with a problem, they may seek an irrational solution, such as running away. They may be habitually late to work and may not even check up on their health or take their medications on a regular schedule. 

As for you, the person navigating a relationship with an emotionally unstable partner? These behaviors can all take their toll. Fortunately, there are strategies to handle them.  

How can you deal with an emotionally unstable partner? 

Just because your partner is emotionally unstable doesn’t mean they are a bad person and that the relationship has to end. There are plenty of ways to help keep your partner in check, as well as potentially help them practice regulating their emotions more effectively. 

First, you should observe your partner’s behaviors. You may notice that certain stimuli may trigger their emotions and, therefore, do your best to avoid those. In doing so, you may need to remind yourself that, despite your partner’s words and their pointing blame at you, you didn’t do anything wrong or deserve it. You should also seek the perspectives of others to help gauge whether your partner’s reaction or the depth of it in an isolated situation was warranted.  

In the event that your partner has an outburst, keep calm. You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. So refrain from playing into their heightened emotional state, as this can cause the behavior to escalate.  

Last but certainly not least, let go of trying to get in the last word. Instead, demand respect and walk away. Give your partner time to calm down, and, in the meantime, don’t fall for any of their manipulative tactics which are likely designed to keep you engaged. It’s a lose-lose for both of you. 

Final thoughts … 

While you may love your partner and want to help them, it’s not your job to fix them. All you can do is be supportive, which may include suggesting they seek therapy as well as seeking therapy for yourself.  

However, if at any time it becomes too much, if you feel as if you’re losing yourself in the relationship, compromising your health and wellbeing, and becoming emotionally unstable, too, it’s time to reevaluate.  

In a healthy relationship, both partners’ personalities need to mesh with one another. Love doesn’t necessarily mean compatibility. And you deserve to experience both.   

Signs the Person You Are Dating May Already Be in a Relationship

You have started seeing someone new. Good for you! Even better, you are slowly becoming excited about the relationship, “catching feelings,” as the expression goes, hoping to see where things lead. But, and there always seems to be a but, you have this feeling in the pit of your stomach. Something feels off about your new partner, but you are not quite sure what. 

Then you start to wonder: Maybe it is because they are already in a relationship with someone else. Is this why I don’t feel like they are all in? 

Unfortunately, your gut is usually correct. Cheating is rampant, especially online. Also, many times, while exiting a relationship, people wind down slowly and begin to seek out new connections, all the while keeping the old relationship going for the sake of security. Then, when they know they have somewhere or, rather, someone to go to, they say their goodbyes (hopefully, they do not “ghost”) and are off.

Whatever the impetus is for the behavior, dating someone who is unable to give you their full attention is not anywhere you should want to be. So to avoid being put in this position unwittingly, it is important to know the signs that indicate the person you are dating may, in fact, be in a relationship. Here they are.

You only hang out at your place.

You find, for example, that you are only spending time with your new love interest at your place. In fact, you have never gone to their place. Instead, they always insist on coming to you, even if you offer to hang out there. 

At a minimum, you should want to get your lay of the land. Whether they are neat, sloppy, or have a flair for interior design. And yes, whether someone else is living there or has a drawer.

You meet up in public at out-of-the-way places. 

If you do go out, it is always to somewhere far from where your love interest lives or works or where they could possibly run into someone they know. You never go to their local watering hole or the new restaurant everyone has been dying to try. And there is always an excuse why you cannot. 

They only pay with cash. 

Another potential red flag to look out for is that when you do go out, they use only cash to pay. This happens even when the purchase is expensive. Is there a reason why they don’t want the electronic trail?

They are never free on weekends or holidays.

The answer is always no when you ask if they are available for plans over a weekend or holiday. You also never hear from them during these times. They are traveling and will not be able to access their phone, they have to work, or they already have plans with friends. The reasons are endless.

Sure, people are busy, but when you are moving along in a relationship and hoping for something more serious, you tend to invest more time in each other. So, at best, they may be unavailable or uninterested in the same level of commitment you are, and, at worst, they may already be committed to someone else during these times, which is why you have been relegated to weeknights only. 

They are secretive about their phone.

When you are with them, how do they handle their phone? Does it feel like they are hiding it? Alternatively, if you can see where they keep their phone, is it always on “Do Not Disturb”? Indeed, these simple behaviors could indicate that they do not want to be distracted by their phone when with you (win!), but they could also mean they are hiding what their phone could reveal about them.

Another scenario: They may not hide their phone at all, and, instead, you notice that when you are with them, they get lots of text messages and phone calls. Of course, some people may, for whatever reason, get lots of texts and calls. However, when they are with you, they never pick up. 

Moreover, if you are not with them and you decide to call, do they usually let the call go to voicemail and call you back later? How long does it take them to call you back? And, do they only call you at certain times, like during the work day? 

If they are involved with someone else, they may wait an extraordinarily long time to call you back, perhaps days. And, naturally, that delay will also come with an excuse for the delay. 

You don’t know anyone else in their life.

You have been dating for a while now, but you have yet to meet their family, friends, or coworkers. Even if they have already met important people in your life, they have nonetheless been reluctant to introduce you to anyone they know, anyone of significance, that is, despite you expressing an interest in meeting others close to them or coming right out and asking why you have not. 

You begin to feel like your relationship exists only in a bubble, and no one else knows about you. Are they hiding you because they are seeing you on the side?

They appear to be indifferent to you.

When you are with the person you are dating, you feel as though they are not invested in you. They rarely ask you anything about your past or get into any deep conversations, especially about where the relationship is going. 

When you ask questions that could prompt them to open up about themselves or their past, they remain guarded. They give you the same spiel they already have and then shift the conversation right back to you. You never learn anything beyond the narrative they shared at the beginning and likely have shared with many others. 

Additionally, you may find that they are wildly inconsistent in their communication, sometimes taking long periods to answer texts or calls while other times disappearing for days or even weeks at a time. You may also find that they have no problem flaking on your plans at the last minute and that when you do spend time together, it is never for more than a few hours.

If they are already spoken for, they may be acting this way because they do not want to become emotionally invested in someone (you) that they are only seeing on the side. Regardless, this behavior indicates that they are not serious about you.

Their social media is on lockdown.

They claim they do not have social media, and if they do, they keep it on lockdown. They tick their settings to the most private modes possible, so if you are not connected, you can’t see anything about them. If you are, they restrict your access without your knowledge. Another possibility is that they refuse to accept your friend or follow requests when you send them. None of these scenarios are good or indicative of a healthy relationship, one with a future.

Their social media is open, but you can’t quite figure out what’s what.

They post regularly, and the same individual keeps liking or commenting on the photos. Or they are tagged in photos with the same person, looking chummy. They may be together, but you can’t really tell. Are they friends? What should you make of this? 

You ask but don’t feel satisfied with the answer. Maybe they are a very private person, and you are just being paranoid. Still, you feel the secrecy surrounding you having access to their social media points to them being in another relationship or at least hiding their personal life from you. Again, neither makes you feel good. 

Final thoughts …

Speaking of good, good is how healthy relationships are meant to make you feel — about yourself and about the person you are with. If all signs are pointing to the possibility that there is someone else in the mix besides you, go ahead and confront the person you are dating. 

They may come clean when asked directly. Or their lame excuses and behavior may be all the proof you need to finally move on, leaving them to their priorities, which clearly don’t include you. And isn’t this all the information you need to know anyway?

Why Single Men Are More Lonely Than Women - Study

A recent article in Psychology Today says that men are increasingly lonely because of the modern dating climate. Greg Matos, the author of the article in question, predicts that this loneliness is going to get even worse in the coming years.

Matos writes that men’s opportunities for finding romantic relationships are reduced because of increasing dating standards and competition. He argues that, in response, men need to address a variety of internal issues to accommodate these increased standards.

Why? Because relationships tend to be crucial for men’s happiness and health. So this increase in singledom and loneliness is potentially problematic for men’s mental and physical well-being.

Why are men more likely to be single?

Matos attributes the increase in single men to three main reasons: dating apps, modern relationship standards, and men’s skills deficits.

Men are overrepresented on dating apps — around two-thirds of the people on dating apps are men. Coupled with how women prefer men who are emotionally available and communicative and who share similar values, Matos says that it makes sense that men are increasingly single and lonely. 

Emotional availability and communication are skills that men are often not as well-versed in as their partners would like. Indeed, this skills deficit can be harmful when trying to find a partner, especially given that the modern dating climate allows women to be selective and find partners who are emotionally available and good fits for them.

As dating apps become more prolific and finding partners offline becomes harder, so the theory goes, finding a good match online will become harder for men.

How can being single be hurtful?

Being single can lead to feelings of loneliness, which is associated with a number of negative health effects, from substance abuse to depression and suicide. Long-term loneliness also has negative physical health implications, such as cardiovascular disease.

Single men are also more likely to be depressed than married men. Married men are more likely to be satisfied with their life in retirement and are more likely to live longer.

Research supports the idea that marriage is healthy for men. Men who are married are more likely to have better heart health, have better chances of fighting cancer, and have a reduced risk of Alzheimer’s disease.

In addition to health, economic prospects might also be worse if you are single. Research from Pew Research Center found that unpartnered adults were less likely to be employed than partnered adults — 75% of unpartnered adults were employed, compared to 82% of partnered adults. Unpartnered adults’ median earnings are also $14,000 less.

Because the modern dating climate is so competitive for men and women alike, being single may become self-perpetuating in certain circumstances. If a man is unable to find a partner because he is emotionally unavailable, for instance, he may feel lonely and, therefore, depressed. His depression may then lead to him being further emotionally unavailable, not finding a partner, and repeating the cycle.

Responses to Matos’ article

The response to Matos’ argument has been varied, with women generally supporting his assertions and men generally taking issue with them.

Many men disagreed with Matos’ piece. Matos has received hate mail from men who read the piece and disagree with the arguments he made. Some felt that Matos’ call to action, which encouraged men to work on their mental health, was uncalled for.

However, many women have argued that rising relationship standards are not actually that high but rather are just not what men are taught to do in relationships. Matos echoes a similar sentiment in his article, writing that, “Emotional connection requires all the skills that families are still not consistently teaching their young boys.” 

What can men do?

If being single is so negative and loneliness-inducing for men, what can they do to combat it? 

Matos suggests individual therapy to help men further their emotional development and address their issues, which might be preventing them from being emotionally available with their partners. 

Because therapy requires talking through feelings and ideas, it can improve communication skills and help to manage emotions or stress. These benefits can help get rid of the major hurdles for men in romantic relationships, according to Matos’ argument.

In addition to working on mental health, nurturing existing relationships can play a key role in reducing feelings of loneliness. Romantic relationships are not the only important relationships in life, and though being partnered may have its benefits, focusing on other relationships in addition to romantic ones can help to better social, mental, and physical health. 

Making an effort to talk to family members on a consistent basis, for instance, may help people feel less lonely. Similarly, reaching out to friends and spending time with loved ones in a platonic or familial way can be beneficial for health.

Even when men are in a relationship, relying solely on their partner may not be the best route. Other studies reveal that 66% of men rely on their wives for their primary social support, and 10% of men have no such social support. Fostering friendships and familial connections can, therefore, help men to have a nuanced and healthy social support network.

Conclusion

Matos writes that men need to see “intimacy, romance, and emotional connection as worthy of your time and effort.” Ultimately, a shift in perspective is needed.

Though working on mental health and intimacy can be difficult, the result is positive for everyone involved. Men are able to have a better relationship with themselves, all while trying to find someone to have a romantic relationship with. 

The bottom line? Men may be more likely to be lonely in modern dating, but if they take steps to help themselves, they do not have to be.

Are You Always the ‘Fixer’ in Your Relationships?

Fundamentally, a relationship with a fixer resembles a project. You meet someone who’s going through some fundamental struggles, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise, so you take it upon yourself to fix their problems. Your partner’s happiness is your onus; you must do whatever it takes to minimize their pain and maximize their happiness. If they are facing a struggle, you make it your obligation to swoop in and save the day. After all, you are their partner, and they need you.

In the event your relationship ends, your conclusion might be that you simply didn’t try hard enough to save your partner. Then, inevitably, you stumble across someone else who you perceive to need saving, and another hero-victim relationship ensues. 

How does someone become a fixer?

There’s no single way that someone becomes a fixer, though the relationship pattern can be explained by attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that the relationship children have with their parents at a young age can play a role in how they perceive relationships as adults. 

For instance, a child who has an emotionally unstable relationship with their parents, in which they are parentified or have to earn the love of their parents, being forced to put the needs of others above their own, may result in them developing a fixer mindset as an adult. Meaning that they will continue the pattern of absolute selflessness and codependency in their relationships as adults because it is what they were taught is normal growing up.

Why is this potentially a bad thing?

On paper, it might sound like a good thing that you want to do whatever it takes to fix your partner. After all, in your mind, if you love your partner, you should want them to be the very best they can be, aspiring to perfection. And by selflessly helping them, you perceive yourself to be cultivating their growth.

However, you must stop to ask yourself about your needs. Relationships are a two-way street, with an exchange of giving and taking. You give and give, but do you ever receive? You may feel as though you are losing your core sense of self in your relationship. You may completely lack boundaries, with “no” being the most menacing word in the dictionary. In other words, you’re taking on another person’s woes, which neglects the issues that you’re facing, chipping away at your mental health, boundaries, and self-esteem over time.

You may make the argument that you do not mind existing for the needs of others. You’re a martyr, after all. That being said, it’s also counterintuitive to the emotional growth of your partner to be a fixer in your relationship. It’s deeply painful to see our partners hurt and struggling, which is why we may feel the urge to swoop in and make things better for them. But pain is an effective teacher; sometimes, we have to make our own mistakes just so we can learn from them. Or sometimes, we need to solve our problems on our own and establish healthy boundaries. 

Your partner may want you to give them space so that they can take the time to reflect and learn and ultimately come back stronger. That would likely be the mindset of a partner with healthier boundaries. Fixers have a tendency to attract partners with an unhealthy mindset, pathologically wrought with problems, which results in them using you, establishing a codependent dynamic, and also potentially putting the fixer at risk for narcissistic abuse.

What can you do to not be a fixer anymore?

The first step to fixing the fixer mindset is recognizing it. If you see this set of tendencies in yourself, then the very next person you should aim to fix is yourself. You may need to undergo deep self-reflection. It will likely be uncomfortable, as you will have to ask yourself what made you the way that you are. You may have to face childhood trauma, issues with your mother or father, and other formative childhood events that may have ingrained the fixer mindset in you. 

The path to ridding yourself of the fixer mentality is to reinforce within yourself that you deserve to be loved and cherished and that it’s not your duty to fix the person you’re dating. You could be able to achieve this realization through self-reflection, by talking to a trusted confidante, or by seeking the aid of a mental health professional.

While developing the theoretical understanding of who you are, you will need practical tools to aid you in your everyday relationship to steer you away from fixing. How? Well, to put it simply, stop fixing your partner. This can feel difficult and foreign at first, but you may need to take a step back and tell yourself that there’s nothing more you can do but be a shoulder to lean on for them 

Give your partner the love and support they need, but let them solve their conflicts on their own. Learn to establish boundaries. Remember, it’s OK to say no. Take care of who you are, and cultivate your sense of identity beyond your savior mindset. 

Once you fix yourself, you will then be in a prime position to attract others with similar relationship values. Your partner should be someone who looks to support you and help you grow, but not fix you altogether. You should be the same for them.

When They Say They’re Not Ready for a Relationship

Set the scene. You’ve been seeing the same person for a few weeks or even months now, and you feel the “deadline” of whether you should be becoming exclusive or not barreling toward you like an oncoming train. It takes you time to muster up the courage to ask, and when you finally do, with full gravity and a hint of relief, they tell you that they’re not ready for a relationship.  

All of a sudden, your imaginary scenarios of being happy with this person, perhaps even idealizations of the distant future, come to a screeching halt. What should you do now? 

Look at the behavior. 

Be honest with yourself: How is your dynamic? Are you always the one initiating conversations? Do they go days or sometimes weeks between dates or even talking to you? Do you hear from them during business hours or only late at night? Does it feel like you are at the bottom of their priorities, like they have time for everyone else in the world, but for you, their work schedule has been pretty hectic lately? 

Listen to your gut. When someone wants to be with you, you shouldn't need to ask these questions. You will know from their enthusiasm about dating you how they feel. And if you would like clarification anyway, if they’re as enthusiastic as they’re acting, they will give it to you, willingly. Everyone makes room for what matters in their lives, no matter how bad they claim they are at time management.  

However, if it feels like you’re the one pursuing them and that they’re disinterested in you, then the act of them telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is most likely their way of breaking things off. They’re letting you off easy, basically saying “It’s not you, it’s me” without even saying it.  

For whatever reason (and it shouldn’t matter to you what that reason is, only that there is one), they think you’re incompatible for the long haul, so do not give them any more mental space. Wish them the best, and move on to someone who actually is compatible with you, wanting what you do. 

Evaluate whether their words match their actions.  

What if they say they’re not ready for a committed relationship but like the way things are right now? Or they’ve already said “I love you,” “I want to be with you,” etc. but still don’t want a relationship right now. The answer is also simple but might not be what you want to hear. And that is either they don’t understand the significance of their words, or they do understand and are saying them to manipulate you into sticking around until they find someone they perceive to be better. 

“I love you” might be three words, but many consider the act of saying those words as highly significant in meaning. However, words must still match actions. If someone says they love you and want to keep seeing you, their actions should say the same. It’s a contradiction to say these words of affection and then be OK with the risk of losing you forever by saying they don’t want to commit to you.  

Another possibility is that the person you’re seeing is new to relationships and in over their head. Or, worse, they’re deliberately breadcrumbing you with words to keep you satisfied with as little as possible until they make up their mind about you, as in whether to eventually settle for you or pull the plug and pursue someone else.  

Unfortunately, none of these scenarios serve you, only them. The answer is, therefore, to move forward and find someone who will reciprocate your interest.   

Consider the male versus female mind.  

When looking for a long-term partner, men and women tend to have different mindsets. Women usually look for their Prince Charming, someone who checks off all their boxes and sweeps them off of their feet into a romantic happily ever after.  

Men, however, can meet woman after woman and not feel ready to settle down until a switch flips in their brain — perhaps all of their friends are beginning to settle down — and then marry the next woman they meet, perfect for them or not. Or they let a woman get away who could’ve been “wife material” and, instead, looked upon her in retrospect as the one who taught them how to be better, and the one who readied them for their next relationship, the serious, committed one. 

Ask yourself what you would do. 

Put yourself in the mind of someone who wants to be in a relationship. This should be easy to do, under the assumption that you want to be in a relationship with the person who claims to not be ready. When you want to be with someone, you would do whatever it takes to be with them, or at least not do things that would potentially scare them away, such as saying that you’re not ready to be in a relationship. 

If you truly want to be in a relationship with someone, you wouldn’t tell them you aren’t ready just for the sake of it. If you say these things, the reality is you’re saying what you mean. So if someone is saying these words to you, listen to them. And listen to me — you can do better.  

What Is Gaslighting and How Should You Address it in a Relationship?

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation in which someone deliberately tries to make you question your reality. It is typically seen with significant others and family members, but it can also occur between friends and even in the workplace. Gaslighting in any relationship is deeply problematic, as it is a sign that you are being victimized, specifically, emotionally abused. 

This form of emotional abuse can appear in a variety of forms. The gaslighter may minimize your feelings, telling you you are overreacting to an issue. They may question your memory, deny that an event occurred, fabricate new details, and even spin the event in question to place you at the point of blame. Alternatively, the gaslighter may claim not to remember the event at all.  

If you try to have a discussion with a gaslighter about something that happened, they may likewise refuse to do so or claim that you are trying to confuse them. And, if you do manage to get your point across, they may suddenly change the subject. In conversations with others, they may claim that you are forgetful and unable to recall events correctly or tend to make things up, tarnishing your credibility.  

So how do you protect yourself against such an individual? Here is what you need to know about gaslighting and how not to be a victim of it.

Why do people gaslight? 

The person gaslighting you wants you to doubt yourself and feel unsure about reality. The purpose of gaslighting you is to protect their image. It enables them to maintain power and control over you in your relationship, degrading your self-esteem and ability to perceive the world, including their abusive behaviors, as well as preventing you from being able to hold them accountable for their wrongdoing.  

People who gaslight may lack the ability to introspect or reflect upon their emotions. Although it may not seem so, they may have low self-esteem themselves. However, while some people gaslight consciously, others may not realize they are, as they have been doing it for so long that the behavior just feels natural to them. 

Gaslighting can be difficult to recognize. 

Gaslighting starts small at first and eventually snowballs into a regular occurrence. Gaslighting is a repeated form of manipulation with the intended goal of making you doubt yourself and your perception of reality. So, in the isolated instances of talking to someone who disagrees with your opinion, it is important to recognize that this person may not necessarily be gaslighting you, even if they are highly critical of you. Divergent opinions and disagreement can be a healthy part of relationships. The difference is its regularity and your awareness of how the behavior looks and makes you feel. 

To identify gaslighting in your relationship, ask yourself how you are feeling in your specific situation. Are you experiencing extreme doubt in yourself as a result of someone else’s treatment of you? Are you having trouble making decisions for yourself? Do you wonder if your skin is too thin as if you are being made to feel upset over nothing? Do you feel upset and confused or not like your normal self? Do you feel as though you are constantly apologizing even when you are confident you did nothing wrong? Are you avoiding your friends, family, and other people you care about and who care about you because you don’t know quite how to explain your situation?  

If your answer to many of these questions is yes, you are likely experiencing some form of gaslighting. The next question to ask yourself is thus, what are you going to do about it? 

How should you deal with gaslighting? 

First, you want to remain calm, as showing emotion over the situation can give the gaslighter further leverage over you. Additionally, emotions can cloud perception, and you are already in a situation where your truth is being questioned. Therefore, you want to maintain an objective outlook on reality. 

To that end, try to find a way to physically distance yourself from the situation in which you are being victimized, such as removing yourself physically. If you can, leave the room. Go for a walk. Drive away. Do anything you can to get away so you can collect yourself. If this is not possible, then try to apply meditative techniques to keep yourself calm.  

Once you are in a safe space physically and emotionally, you need to accumulate tangible evidence that your partner cannot speak against or claim you made up. Your credibility has been tarnished by your partner’s regular gaslighting already, so you need a way to build a case for yourself to corroborate everything you say. Your partner can try to deny your words, but it is harder to do with actual proof.  

Helpful pieces of evidence may include written correspondence, such as texts or emails, with dates and times. A good rule of thumb is to write down oral conversations you have had to the best of your recollection, quoting if possible. Record your conversations if legal, as some states are a one-party consent state for recording while others require two-party consent. Finally, take photos of any property your partner may have damaged.  

When this person does try to gaslight you again, speak up. They are trying their best to lower your confidence, so you must do whatever you can to preserve it. You need to demonstrate that their gaslighting is not working on you and that you believe in yourself, not them. No more second-guessing and over-analyzing what was once obvious to you. 

At the same time, focus on taking care of yourself. Practice your favorite self-care techniques, and remind yourself that you are not going crazy and can perceive reality just fine. Be sure to eat and sleep well, too, so you are feeling your best mentally and physically. Some helpful self-care techniques include meditation, exercising, spending time with friends and family, writing in a journal, and engaging in your favorite hobbies and pastimes. 

Final thoughts … 

If you are the victim of gaslighting, seek the support of your loved ones, and ask them about events your partner has called into question to give yourself a foothold in reality. Additionally, seeking professional help from a therapist can help you sort through your emotions and develop strategies to overcome your partner’s gaslighting, as gaslighting is a distinct form of emotional abuse. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, if the behavior persists, even if they attend therapy or you attend therapy together as a couple, distance yourself from them or leave the relationship altogether. You deserve better.   

How to Re-Enter the Dating Pool After Time Away

Whether you haven’t dated for a long time due to a long-term relationship or marriage, your personal life becoming too hectic, or because you decided to work on yourself, and you finally believe enough time has passed for you to reconsider dating once again, give yourself a hand. You have overcome, successfully I may add, one of the biggest hurdles in finding a match — getting started.

But now that you’re here, you’re probably also wondering: So, how do I get started? In real terms, that is. Good question. Because how you approach dating from the outset can affect drastically your experience and, along with it, your success.

It’s no secret that dating takes up a lot of time and energy. It can also raise all sorts of emotions, some of them negative. Consequently, doing too much and too soon can cause overwhelm, not to mention can lead to dating fatigue.

To prevent this from occurring, there are specific ways you can prepare for your dating journey before making your long-awaited return simply by answering a few questions. So, without further adieu, I pose the following to you.

How does the prospect of dating make you feel?

This is a good question because the answer may very well turn on what you were doing before you decided to return to dating. Maybe you were in a relationship and just broke up and are now wondering if it’s too soon for you to be coming back. Or you think you’re ready, you may even know you’re ready, yet something still doesn’t feel quite right.

It’s at this juncture you need to be honest and ask yourself if you actually want to be dating again as well as if you’re ready to be dating again. Dating can be emotionally taxing, so it’s OK if the answer is still no. Or if the answer is yes, but you acknowledge you may have some fear and trepidation about the prospect, and want to give it a try anyway to see if you can overcome the hesitancy you’re experiencing, that’s OK. If you want to meet someone new, you should. And if you want to work on yourself a little while longer, that’s alright as well.

The point is for you to be honest with yourself about where you are right now and then make a decision you can be comfortable with. But do make this decision without taking into consideration judgment from others about what you should be doing and when. Remember, it’s your life, so live it as you want to.

What steps have you taken to prepare yourself for dating?

Self-improvement and reflection are critical toward getting yourself ready to date again. You can accomplish these goals in a variety of ways. If you just got out of a long-term relationship, for example, ask yourself: What did I learn from my last relationship? This way, you will be less likely to repeat the mistakes you made. In the same vein, if you were out of the dating world because you were working on yourself, ask yourself: What changes have I made?

Introspection and self-awareness can be challenging, but once you recognize any patterns which may have been holding you back or insecurities you may have about yourself, you can work toward becoming a better version of yourself and someone who attracts high-quality matches. And by high-quality, I mean those who you can envision being a part of your life and a partner in your life.

As a corollary to this internal questioning, there are steps you can take to spruce up your physical appearance before you start dating this time around. These steps include cleaning up your diet, hitting the gym, investing in a new wardrobe, getting a haircut, and adopting a new skincare routine. When you present the best version of yourself, it often makes for feeling better and more confident while dating, attracting someone of the same caliber.

The same goes for adopting new interests or re-igniting in old ones. Everyone needs to be creative, to have an outlet through which they can challenge themselves mentally. This, too, will help you radiate and attract others. An added bonus is that your hobbies and activities make great conversation starters.

What are you looking for?

This question is surprisingly difficult for many people to answer, but it’s one that can be critical to your success. If you don’t know what you’re looking for, you may struggle to narrow your search to individuals who share the same relationship goals as you, including finding a long-term relationship or future spouse. Once you understand what and who you’re looking for, you can be proactive in your search and move on from dead-end relationships.

To that end, be cognizant of any potential deal breakers and red flags. If you don’t hit things off with your date, remember, you don’t need to continue seeing them. Make sure that you really like the person that you’re seeing and investing your time and energy in, and that they really like you, too.

How do you plan to find dates?

Of course, dating apps, bars, and singles events come to mind first. Although, these answers do lead to other questions, such as which dating apps to use, which restaurants and bars to adopt as your new watering holes, and which activities will best serve your objectives. After all, you can’t be everywhere.

Having a wingwoman or professional dating coach to guide you you can be extremely helpful. This way, you can direct your limited time in the most constructive ways possible, while still enjoying yourself. Speaking of which …

Are you ready to have fun?

Dating should be fun, not a chore. To keep it this way, take dating slow. Date with intention, the first intention of which should be to enjoy yourself. I can help. Contact me today.