As a parent who has re-entered the dating scene, you may meet someone who seems all-around great and otherwise what you would be looking for in a potential partner. That is, except for one, not so tiny detail: They don’t have children. Does this mean you should move on?
While your life experiences and day-to-day schedules as a parent may be different from someone without kids, it need not be a dealbreaker. That said, there are some issues you should consider first before moving forward with them, even for a first date.
Does the person you’re planning to date know that you have kids?
As a parent, your children are obviously a very important part of your life. Because of that, in many cases, it can be a dealbreaker for someone without their own. Harsh but true.
Some single parents are aware of this, and for this reason, choose to hide that they’re parents until several dates in, hoping to win over their date who doesn’t have children with their glowing personality. Many times, they end up getting dumped for outright lying or lying by omission and are left feeling offended. My advice? Always be upfront about the fact that you have children from the get-go.
If you met your potential partner through online dating, you should reveal that you have children before your first date. Ideally, that information should be on your online dating profile. This way, you and the people you date will not waste valuable time or have your feelings hurt, at least because of this issue.
How old are your kids?
You may find while dating that it’s not just a question of if you have children, but how old they are, which can have an impact on whether your having children will be a dealbreaker for potential matches. For instance, a childless person may not mind dating you if you have adult children that no longer live in your house but may be opposed to the idea of dating someone with young children still requiring a lot of hands-on care.
This distinction ties into the idea of how much your children would be impacting the day-to-day rhythm of your relationship. If your children are older and require less hands-on responsibility, for example, depending on their age, you may feel comfortable leaving them home alone for an afternoon, overnight, or potentially a weekend. It’s no secret that younger children require lots of time and attention and, therefore, can spell less flexibility, particularly for someone who may be used to having more.
What does your parenting schedule look like?
Child custody may play a critical role in whether a person without children would feel comfortable dating you. If you have primary custody of your children, for example, your children’s schedule likely plays a significant role in your everyday life.
More parenting time can translate to potentially less time to go on dates and hang out with a significant other. If you only have custody of your children every other weekend, however, then you may have enough flexibility in your schedule to date someone who doesn’t have similar time constraints.
Is your child's other parent in the picture?
Exes can be a tricky subject in relationships in general. But when you share children with an ex, it’s likely that you have to remain in contact, and that they also have a say in how you parent your children.
With that, your ex may have an opinion or legally be able to give one about the people you bring home to be around your (and their) children. This dynamic may not be something that a person without children would be interested in signing on for necessarily.
How is your relationship with your ex?
If you have a healthy co-parenting relationship, then your relationship with your ex may not cause a problem. But if you went through an acrimonious breakup and still argue regularly, this tension can spill into your current relationship. Such tension could impact your current relationship, as your partner may be willing to be a stepparent but be unwilling to deal with the drama that comes from an ex.
Does the person you’re planning to date have the experience with children that you’re looking for?
Whether experience in your mind means the person you date has nieces or nephews they’re close with or has dated people with children in the past, this person should have at least some experience with children. Not because the expectation is that they need to be a hands-on stepparent potentially, but so that they know how to navigate dating you.
You and your children, especially if your children are young, come as a package deal. That means the person you date will need to be understanding of the idea that your children are a priority. Given this reality, they would, therefore, need to feel secure enough in themselves due to how often you will have to turn your attention toward your children and that dates may need to be moved last minute or canceled because of parenting demands.
As mentioned above, depending on your situation, a person without children may fare better if they have a strong stomach to handle an ex’s presence and the co-parenting issues that go along with it, as well as a
willingness and demonstrable ability to express genuine interest in your children and get along with them, even if the children are at first opposed to it.
Final thoughts …
After asking and answering all of these questions, you may still be unsure whether you, as a parent, should date someone who isn’t a parent. To help clarify your answer, there’s one more question you may want to ask, and that is: As a parent, should you date someone who also has children?
To answer this final question, you would need to ask and answer all of the preceding questions, but, this time, do so while keeping your willingness and ability to date them in mind. Because down the road, you may find that blending families can pose as many issues as dating someone without children does, only different ones.
Ultimately, the answer to whether you as a parent should date someone without children is a judgment call, one based on your and the other person’s unique circumstances. The best course is, therefore, to assess each potential partner on the basis of compatibility in this area. It may just be the case that a partner who also has children is not a match while someone without children is.