You have started seeing someone new. Good for you! Even better, you are slowly becoming excited about the relationship, “catching feelings,” as the expression goes, hoping to see where things lead. But, and there always seems to be a but, you have this feeling in the pit of your stomach. Something feels off about your new partner, but you are not quite sure what.
Then you start to wonder: Maybe it is because they are already in a relationship with someone else. Is this why I don’t feel like they are all in?
Unfortunately, your gut is usually correct. Cheating is rampant, especially online. Also, many times, while exiting a relationship, people wind down slowly and begin to seek out new connections, all the while keeping the old relationship going for the sake of security. Then, when they know they have somewhere or, rather, someone to go to, they say their goodbyes (hopefully, they do not “ghost”) and are off.
Whatever the impetus is for the behavior, dating someone who is unable to give you their full attention is not anywhere you should want to be. So to avoid being put in this position unwittingly, it is important to know the signs that indicate the person you are dating may, in fact, be in a relationship. Here they are.
You only hang out at your place.
You find, for example, that you are only spending time with your new love interest at your place. In fact, you have never gone to their place. Instead, they always insist on coming to you, even if you offer to hang out there.
At a minimum, you should want to get your lay of the land. Whether they are neat, sloppy, or have a flair for interior design. And yes, whether someone else is living there or has a drawer.
You meet up in public at out-of-the-way places.
If you do go out, it is always to somewhere far from where your love interest lives or works or where they could possibly run into someone they know. You never go to their local watering hole or the new restaurant everyone has been dying to try. And there is always an excuse why you cannot.
They only pay with cash.
Another potential red flag to look out for is that when you do go out, they use only cash to pay. This happens even when the purchase is expensive. Is there a reason why they don’t want the electronic trail?
They are never free on weekends or holidays.
The answer is always no when you ask if they are available for plans over a weekend or holiday. You also never hear from them during these times. They are traveling and will not be able to access their phone, they have to work, or they already have plans with friends. The reasons are endless.
Sure, people are busy, but when you are moving along in a relationship and hoping for something more serious, you tend to invest more time in each other. So, at best, they may be unavailable or uninterested in the same level of commitment you are, and, at worst, they may already be committed to someone else during these times, which is why you have been relegated to weeknights only.
They are secretive about their phone.
When you are with them, how do they handle their phone? Does it feel like they are hiding it? Alternatively, if you can see where they keep their phone, is it always on “Do Not Disturb”? Indeed, these simple behaviors could indicate that they do not want to be distracted by their phone when with you (win!), but they could also mean they are hiding what their phone could reveal about them.
Another scenario: They may not hide their phone at all, and, instead, you notice that when you are with them, they get lots of text messages and phone calls. Of course, some people may, for whatever reason, get lots of texts and calls. However, when they are with you, they never pick up.
Moreover, if you are not with them and you decide to call, do they usually let the call go to voicemail and call you back later? How long does it take them to call you back? And, do they only call you at certain times, like during the work day?
If they are involved with someone else, they may wait an extraordinarily long time to call you back, perhaps days. And, naturally, that delay will also come with an excuse for the delay.
You don’t know anyone else in their life.
You have been dating for a while now, but you have yet to meet their family, friends, or coworkers. Even if they have already met important people in your life, they have nonetheless been reluctant to introduce you to anyone they know, anyone of significance, that is, despite you expressing an interest in meeting others close to them or coming right out and asking why you have not.
You begin to feel like your relationship exists only in a bubble, and no one else knows about you. Are they hiding you because they are seeing you on the side?
They appear to be indifferent to you.
When you are with the person you are dating, you feel as though they are not invested in you. They rarely ask you anything about your past or get into any deep conversations, especially about where the relationship is going.
When you ask questions that could prompt them to open up about themselves or their past, they remain guarded. They give you the same spiel they already have and then shift the conversation right back to you. You never learn anything beyond the narrative they shared at the beginning and likely have shared with many others.
Additionally, you may find that they are wildly inconsistent in their communication, sometimes taking long periods to answer texts or calls while other times disappearing for days or even weeks at a time. You may also find that they have no problem flaking on your plans at the last minute and that when you do spend time together, it is never for more than a few hours.
If they are already spoken for, they may be acting this way because they do not want to become emotionally invested in someone (you) that they are only seeing on the side. Regardless, this behavior indicates that they are not serious about you.
Their social media is on lockdown.
They claim they do not have social media, and if they do, they keep it on lockdown. They tick their settings to the most private modes possible, so if you are not connected, you can’t see anything about them. If you are, they restrict your access without your knowledge. Another possibility is that they refuse to accept your friend or follow requests when you send them. None of these scenarios are good or indicative of a healthy relationship, one with a future.
Their social media is open, but you can’t quite figure out what’s what.
They post regularly, and the same individual keeps liking or commenting on the photos. Or they are tagged in photos with the same person, looking chummy. They may be together, but you can’t really tell. Are they friends? What should you make of this?
You ask but don’t feel satisfied with the answer. Maybe they are a very private person, and you are just being paranoid. Still, you feel the secrecy surrounding you having access to their social media points to them being in another relationship or at least hiding their personal life from you. Again, neither makes you feel good.
Final thoughts …
Speaking of good, good is how healthy relationships are meant to make you feel — about yourself and about the person you are with. If all signs are pointing to the possibility that there is someone else in the mix besides you, go ahead and confront the person you are dating.
They may come clean when asked directly. Or their lame excuses and behavior may be all the proof you need to finally move on, leaving them to their priorities, which clearly don’t include you. And isn’t this all the information you need to know anyway?