It’s the honeymoon stage of dating. The person you’ve been dating appears perfect or pretty close to it. You have intimate conversations and lots in common. Not to mention, the sex is amazing. You fall hard, believing this may be it. You’ve finally found your match.
The problem is, while your partner was courting you, they were on their best behavior. And as you grew more comfortable with them, so, too, did they with you. Except now, you’re not so sure you always like what you see. Their mask, it seems, has started to slip, and they have these moments of instability when it feels like you don’t know them at all.
You suspect they may be emotionally unstable, but they already have your heart. This realization can be devastating. Is your relationship doomed? The answer is not necessarily.
But first, what is emotional instability, and how can you identify it?
Emotional instability describes an individual’s inability to regulate their emotions and behaviors at any given time. When dating someone emotionally unstable, you may feel as though you’re walking on eggshells with them. The most classic symptom of emotional instability is mood swings.
Emotionally unstable people are often volatile. Anything can set an emotionally unstable person off, and you never know if you will be dealing with Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde until you are. They get angry easily and are prone to outbursts, which are usually set off by even the most seemingly minor misstep. They may also have episodes of prolonged crying or uncontrollable laughter.
An emotionally unstable partner is typically keen on drama. It seems like they’re just a magnet for it. It may even be the case that their family is overly dramatic, too. This may be so because emotional responses can be rooted in both genetic and environmental factors.
Emotionally unstable individuals tend to complain frequently and have a strong sense of entitlement, creating an air of negative energy around them. In talking to them, they may simply feel too intense.
During a conversation with an emotionally unstable partner, you may notice their sense of empathy is impaired. If you seek their emotional support, they may steer the conversation back to themselves. They may also try to one-up you, meaning that if you say you had a bad day, they will make it about them and even claim their day was worse. In the same vein, if you say you have a goal, their goal will be grander than yours.
More nefariously, emotionally unstable people may exhibit manipulative tendencies. They may gaslight you if you call them out on their emotionally unstable behavior, causing you to question your own sanity as a result.
Even in their everyday lives, in between overt emotionally unstable behavior, there may seem to be instability surrounding them. When faced with a problem, they may seek an irrational solution, such as running away. They may be habitually late to work and may not even check up on their health or take their medications on a regular schedule.
As for you, the person navigating a relationship with an emotionally unstable partner? These behaviors can all take their toll. Fortunately, there are strategies to handle them.
How can you deal with an emotionally unstable partner?
Just because your partner is emotionally unstable doesn’t mean they are a bad person and that the relationship has to end. There are plenty of ways to help keep your partner in check, as well as potentially help them practice regulating their emotions more effectively.
First, you should observe your partner’s behaviors. You may notice that certain stimuli may trigger their emotions and, therefore, do your best to avoid those. In doing so, you may need to remind yourself that, despite your partner’s words and their pointing blame at you, you didn’t do anything wrong or deserve it. You should also seek the perspectives of others to help gauge whether your partner’s reaction or the depth of it in an isolated situation was warranted.
In the event that your partner has an outburst, keep calm. You can’t control others, but you can control yourself. So refrain from playing into their heightened emotional state, as this can cause the behavior to escalate.
Last but certainly not least, let go of trying to get in the last word. Instead, demand respect and walk away. Give your partner time to calm down, and, in the meantime, don’t fall for any of their manipulative tactics which are likely designed to keep you engaged. It’s a lose-lose for both of you.
Final thoughts …
While you may love your partner and want to help them, it’s not your job to fix them. All you can do is be supportive, which may include suggesting they seek therapy as well as seeking therapy for yourself.
However, if at any time it becomes too much, if you feel as if you’re losing yourself in the relationship, compromising your health and wellbeing, and becoming emotionally unstable, too, it’s time to reevaluate.
In a healthy relationship, both partners’ personalities need to mesh with one another. Love doesn’t necessarily mean compatibility. And you deserve to experience both.