Set the scene. You’ve been seeing the same person for a few weeks or even months now, and you feel the “deadline” of whether you should be becoming exclusive or not barreling toward you like an oncoming train. It takes you time to muster up the courage to ask, and when you finally do, with full gravity and a hint of relief, they tell you that they’re not ready for a relationship.
All of a sudden, your imaginary scenarios of being happy with this person, perhaps even idealizations of the distant future, come to a screeching halt. What should you do now?
Look at the behavior.
Be honest with yourself: How is your dynamic? Are you always the one initiating conversations? Do they go days or sometimes weeks between dates or even talking to you? Do you hear from them during business hours or only late at night? Does it feel like you are at the bottom of their priorities, like they have time for everyone else in the world, but for you, their work schedule has been pretty hectic lately?
Listen to your gut. When someone wants to be with you, you shouldn't need to ask these questions. You will know from their enthusiasm about dating you how they feel. And if you would like clarification anyway, if they’re as enthusiastic as they’re acting, they will give it to you, willingly. Everyone makes room for what matters in their lives, no matter how bad they claim they are at time management.
However, if it feels like you’re the one pursuing them and that they’re disinterested in you, then the act of them telling you they’re not ready for a relationship is most likely their way of breaking things off. They’re letting you off easy, basically saying “It’s not you, it’s me” without even saying it.
For whatever reason (and it shouldn’t matter to you what that reason is, only that there is one), they think you’re incompatible for the long haul, so do not give them any more mental space. Wish them the best, and move on to someone who actually is compatible with you, wanting what you do.
Evaluate whether their words match their actions.
What if they say they’re not ready for a committed relationship but like the way things are right now? Or they’ve already said “I love you,” “I want to be with you,” etc. but still don’t want a relationship right now. The answer is also simple but might not be what you want to hear. And that is either they don’t understand the significance of their words, or they do understand and are saying them to manipulate you into sticking around until they find someone they perceive to be better.
“I love you” might be three words, but many consider the act of saying those words as highly significant in meaning. However, words must still match actions. If someone says they love you and want to keep seeing you, their actions should say the same. It’s a contradiction to say these words of affection and then be OK with the risk of losing you forever by saying they don’t want to commit to you.
Another possibility is that the person you’re seeing is new to relationships and in over their head. Or, worse, they’re deliberately breadcrumbing you with words to keep you satisfied with as little as possible until they make up their mind about you, as in whether to eventually settle for you or pull the plug and pursue someone else.
Unfortunately, none of these scenarios serve you, only them. The answer is, therefore, to move forward and find someone who will reciprocate your interest.
Consider the male versus female mind.
When looking for a long-term partner, men and women tend to have different mindsets. Women usually look for their Prince Charming, someone who checks off all their boxes and sweeps them off of their feet into a romantic happily ever after.
Men, however, can meet woman after woman and not feel ready to settle down until a switch flips in their brain — perhaps all of their friends are beginning to settle down — and then marry the next woman they meet, perfect for them or not. Or they let a woman get away who could’ve been “wife material” and, instead, looked upon her in retrospect as the one who taught them how to be better, and the one who readied them for their next relationship, the serious, committed one.
Ask yourself what you would do.
Put yourself in the mind of someone who wants to be in a relationship. This should be easy to do, under the assumption that you want to be in a relationship with the person who claims to not be ready. When you want to be with someone, you would do whatever it takes to be with them, or at least not do things that would potentially scare them away, such as saying that you’re not ready to be in a relationship.
If you truly want to be in a relationship with someone, you wouldn’t tell them you aren’t ready just for the sake of it. If you say these things, the reality is you’re saying what you mean. So if someone is saying these words to you, listen to them. And listen to me — you can do better.