Fundamentally, a relationship with a fixer resembles a project. You meet someone who’s going through some fundamental struggles, whether emotionally, financially, or otherwise, so you take it upon yourself to fix their problems. Your partner’s happiness is your onus; you must do whatever it takes to minimize their pain and maximize their happiness. If they are facing a struggle, you make it your obligation to swoop in and save the day. After all, you are their partner, and they need you.
In the event your relationship ends, your conclusion might be that you simply didn’t try hard enough to save your partner. Then, inevitably, you stumble across someone else who you perceive to need saving, and another hero-victim relationship ensues.
How does someone become a fixer?
There’s no single way that someone becomes a fixer, though the relationship pattern can be explained by attachment theory. Attachment theory suggests that the relationship children have with their parents at a young age can play a role in how they perceive relationships as adults.
For instance, a child who has an emotionally unstable relationship with their parents, in which they are parentified or have to earn the love of their parents, being forced to put the needs of others above their own, may result in them developing a fixer mindset as an adult. Meaning that they will continue the pattern of absolute selflessness and codependency in their relationships as adults because it is what they were taught is normal growing up.
Why is this potentially a bad thing?
On paper, it might sound like a good thing that you want to do whatever it takes to fix your partner. After all, in your mind, if you love your partner, you should want them to be the very best they can be, aspiring to perfection. And by selflessly helping them, you perceive yourself to be cultivating their growth.
However, you must stop to ask yourself about your needs. Relationships are a two-way street, with an exchange of giving and taking. You give and give, but do you ever receive? You may feel as though you are losing your core sense of self in your relationship. You may completely lack boundaries, with “no” being the most menacing word in the dictionary. In other words, you’re taking on another person’s woes, which neglects the issues that you’re facing, chipping away at your mental health, boundaries, and self-esteem over time.
You may make the argument that you do not mind existing for the needs of others. You’re a martyr, after all. That being said, it’s also counterintuitive to the emotional growth of your partner to be a fixer in your relationship. It’s deeply painful to see our partners hurt and struggling, which is why we may feel the urge to swoop in and make things better for them. But pain is an effective teacher; sometimes, we have to make our own mistakes just so we can learn from them. Or sometimes, we need to solve our problems on our own and establish healthy boundaries.
Your partner may want you to give them space so that they can take the time to reflect and learn and ultimately come back stronger. That would likely be the mindset of a partner with healthier boundaries. Fixers have a tendency to attract partners with an unhealthy mindset, pathologically wrought with problems, which results in them using you, establishing a codependent dynamic, and also potentially putting the fixer at risk for narcissistic abuse.
What can you do to not be a fixer anymore?
The first step to fixing the fixer mindset is recognizing it. If you see this set of tendencies in yourself, then the very next person you should aim to fix is yourself. You may need to undergo deep self-reflection. It will likely be uncomfortable, as you will have to ask yourself what made you the way that you are. You may have to face childhood trauma, issues with your mother or father, and other formative childhood events that may have ingrained the fixer mindset in you.
The path to ridding yourself of the fixer mentality is to reinforce within yourself that you deserve to be loved and cherished and that it’s not your duty to fix the person you’re dating. You could be able to achieve this realization through self-reflection, by talking to a trusted confidante, or by seeking the aid of a mental health professional.
While developing the theoretical understanding of who you are, you will need practical tools to aid you in your everyday relationship to steer you away from fixing. How? Well, to put it simply, stop fixing your partner. This can feel difficult and foreign at first, but you may need to take a step back and tell yourself that there’s nothing more you can do but be a shoulder to lean on for them
Give your partner the love and support they need, but let them solve their conflicts on their own. Learn to establish boundaries. Remember, it’s OK to say no. Take care of who you are, and cultivate your sense of identity beyond your savior mindset.
Once you fix yourself, you will then be in a prime position to attract others with similar relationship values. Your partner should be someone who looks to support you and help you grow, but not fix you altogether. You should be the same for them.