We all go through rough patches in our lives. Part of being a good partner is being supportive during difficult times. Of course, that is often easier said than done, not only because you may not have been the partner you wanted to be previously, but also because you may not have known how to. What follows is a discussion about how you can show your partner you are there for them when they may need you most.
1. Check in with them.
If you notice your partner is feeling down and not acting as they usually do, such as isolating themselves, acting irritable or angry, or appearing like they are in a funk, start by checking in on them. A simple, “Is something upsetting you?” can be a good jumping-off point. However, some people are more forthcoming about their feelings than others.
Should this be the case with your partner, or they have a history of passive-aggressive behavior, ask yourself if there is something you could have done to upset them. If you are not aware of anything, look to factors in your partner’s life that may be responsible: a challenging time at work, a sick relative, a disappointment, or a life change, to name a few possibilities.
Next, communicate to your partner that you noticed they have not been their usual self and seem like they may not be OK. Explain what you have noticed that has led you to this conclusion. By doing so, you open the door for your partner to confide in you about what is going on.
Now, how you respond from here will be key to how adept you are at being a supportive partner. This is why you should …
2. Just listen at first.
If you are lucky and your partner shares with you why they are upset, simply listen. Let them get everything they need to off of their chest first before speaking. Depending on what the issue is, you may instinctually want to tell them their problem is not that big of a deal, they are overreacting, or you can fix it for them.
While these comments may be true and come from your heart, this isn’t necessarily what your partner wants to hear. At least just yet. So, when they have finished speaking to you, ask this: Would you like to hear my thoughts about what you just told me?
If your partner says yes, tread carefully. It still doesn’t mean you cut loose and say anything and everything that is on your mind. Instead, do the following.
3. Ask what you can do to support them.
Whether or not you know or have some understanding of why your partner is feeling unhappy, your next step should be to ask them what you can do to provide them with the support they need. However, you still need to be careful not to take on their problems and try to fix things for them. This may make people feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even smothered.
Depending on how your partner reacts to stress, they may ask for some space. It can be very difficult to give it to them. But it is critical to the health of your relationship that if your partner communicates such a need you listen.
Make clear to your partner that if they need space, it is OK. However, also let them know they can depend on you for emotional support if they choose, and you will be there for them if and when they do.
4. Find ways to bring your partner joy and show them how much you appreciate them.
When your partner is dealing with problems from other aspects of their life, one of your greatest assets as their partner is that you can help them escape for a little bit. Rather than reminding them of what is bringing them down, you can be a haven for happiness. You can do this in a variety of ways.
You can use their love language, as described in Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” to determine what type of attention they would respond to best. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you can give reminders of how much you love and care for them and how wonderful you think they are. Or if their love language is time, give them more of it.
Maybe you can plan a fun date night, such as going to that new restaurant you have been meaning to try and then getting ice cream, or a night in playing games and watching a movie. It doesn’t matter, as long as your partner is receptive.
5. Don’t make the problem about you (unless it is about you).
When you are in a relationship and your partner admits that they are unhappy, even if the source of unhappiness is unrelated to you, it can be difficult to separate yourself from their feelings and think it stems from you anyway.
You may try to absorb their unhappiness and fix the situation for them as a result. However, in doing this, as discussed earlier, you risk overstepping your partner’s boundaries, angering them, causing resentment, or making them feel smothered. Furthermore, you risk your own mental health by working to fix someone else and what’s likely beyond your control.
6. That said, don’t let your partner make you the villain (unless you are).
Sometimes, when a partner is going through stress, they may become angry and irritable, taking out their negative feelings on you. They may criticize you, make you feel bad, or get angry with you very quickly.
While you may sympathize with their plight, this kind of behavior is unacceptable because it can lead to other abusive behaviors. Therefore, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you will not tolerate this treatment. In other words, you should enforce your own boundaries. If you are still having trouble …
7. Ask for outside help.
When your partner is going through a hard time, you may feel like you are going through a hard time, too. And your relationship during this time may suffer as a consequence.
We often think of relationships as 50-50. But a true 50-50 dynamic is impossible at every moment, as there will sometimes be a partner who may need more than they are able to give. Your dynamic may mean both of you need an added pair of hands, an empathetic ear, or advice.
If your partner doesn’t appear to be making any progress or lacks the ability to handle their problems, even with you there, you may want to help them seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you need assistance getting them to this point, look to others in your and their network for support.
Final thoughts …
When you are the one supporting your partner, it is important that you engage in self-care. To that end, see your friends and family, engage in your favorite hobbies and pastimes, and spend time away from your partner to clear your head.
Also, if you feel you could benefit from a mental health professional, seek that out as well. Just as you wouldn’t expect your partner to get through a difficult time on their own, neither should you.