Where's This Relationship Going? How to Keep Up A New Relationship's Momentum

Picture this: You’ve recently met someone. It’s been one, two, three, maybe four dates, and, BOOM, you feel a connection. Great, right? You bet it is.

Then, BOOM again. You have to travel, work on a new project, or have a lot of upcoming commitments with the kids. Any of which can put distance between you and the person you’ve just begun dating.

Is it over?

Well, that depends on how you play it. That’s because this in-between time, that time when you don’t know where a relationship is going yet, is critical. Momentum is what you need now, but life is doing what it does best — getting in the way.

So, what’s a single guy or girl to do? Be proactive about your dating life, of course. Otherwise, out of sight means out of mind. 

This means staying in regular contact. It means connecting with your new love interest in a meaningful yet not overbearing way. Balance is key, so here are a few tips for going about it.

Send texts.

How you text at the beginning of a relationship can make or break you. Too little, and you risk losing the person. Too many, and you can scare them away.

If you’ve met in person, you should be off the app or dating platform where you first met and texting each other directly. Texting etiquette still applies, though. That includes personalizing your messages so you don’t look like you’re spamming five people you’re dating, paying attention to the rhythm of your exchanges so that they’re balanced (you’re not blowing up the other person’s phone with five texts when you’ve received a response of only one), and paying attention to the time of day you begin conversations over text (not too early and not too late).

A good morning or goodnight text or a text asking how someone’s day is going is usually a safe way to begin a conversation. If the person answers within a reasonable period of time (see below), is polite, and is engaging, you can pretty much gauge their interest from there and whether you want to continue the conversation or even speak to future plans. Which is definitely smart if you won’t be able to see them for a while.

When texting, you should also not expect an immediate answer; someone could be otherwise engaged — in the shower, at work, with their kids, driving, away from their phone, or, yes, out on a date with someone else. Remember, you don’t know where this relationship is going yet, nor do you know this person well.   

Text a photo.

A picture can communicate a lot, most important of which is that you’re thinking of the person you’re sending it to and want to share a part of your day with them. Something you’re looking at — a sunrise, sunset, landscape, funny scene, your pet, sometimes you are all appropriate options.

However, with this last option, you want to be careful and not send too many photos of yourself, which can get obnoxious, even creepy. You also don’t want to send too many photos. As with any type of text, moderation should be the standard.

Pick up the phone and call.

What better way to keep in touch and express your interest than by picking up the phone and calling the person you’re interested in. Phone calls take the most effort, and dating prospects who aren’t serious about you generally won’t do it.

Related to the phone call is a video call. But with video calls, it may be helpful to schedule those in advance or ask first if they would be interested in communicating this way. That way, if they’re in their pajamas or somewhere they can’t speak, they won’t feel uncomfortable or put on the spot.

There is one caveat when it comes to phone calls  — they can be a way to perpetuate a pseudo-relationship. A pseudo-relationships is one that mimics a real relationship through intimate conversation but where in-person contact either never happens or becomes limited over time. So, if enough time passes and there are no plans on the calendar, you may want to consider moving on and not wasting time with this person.

Don’t ask (yet) where this relationship is going.

Want to kill a new relationship’s momentum? Ask where your relationship is going too early. The early stages of dating are for getting to know each other. Therefore, you don’t want to pressure the person you’ve just recently begun seeing or act needy. It’s a turnoff, to say the least.

If you’re a savvy dater and know how to spot the red flags and have a definitive yet rational list of deal breakers to stick to, you will more easily be able to distill from someone’s interactions with you whether they’re interested. Or, just as important, whether you’re interested in them. Instead, save your questions about where this relationship is going for when you’re actually in a relationship and need to make decisions about your future.

A last word …

New relationships take on a life of their own. They have a natural rhythm to them, especially when they’re going well. Much of that rhythm is dictated by how you handle outside pressures, pressures that may cause you to move slower.

But guess what? Slower isn’t necessarily worse. In fact, depending on how you play it, it can work in your favor, allowing you to get to know the person you’re seeing better before making critical decisions about taking your relationship to the next level too soon.

Solid, healthy relationships are built over time. That’s because you want the person you choose — and who chooses you — to be with for a long time.

Are Dating Events for Singles Worth Attending?

Good news: the world is opening up again post-Covid. That means you will probably start hearing about different events targeted at singles if you haven’t already. You will hear about them from dating apps, your friends, and the internet.

These events will be hosted in different venues and have different themes. They will be packaged differently, but the goal will always be the same: to put singles together.

This is great, and many of them will sound enticing, but — and there’s always a but — not all of these events will be worth your time. And your time is valuable. Therefore, you will want to qualify your events the way you would qualify your dates. Here’s why.  

1. Many of these events are attended mostly by women.

That offers excellent odds if you’re a guy but not so great odds if you’re a woman. If you’re looking to meet other women, there are ways to do that. But if you’re going to a singles event to meet a man and there are three men for every ten women, not only will your chances of meeting your next new love be limited, you may walk away feeling discouraged. That’s the last thing you want.

Every event you attend should be a confidence builder. It should also propel you further on your dating journey. You’re not spending your time well if you’re sitting on the sidelines watching other people engage in stimulating get-to-know-you-type conversations. So before you RSVP, ask the host who’s on the guest list. 

2. Not every singles event will be age-appropriate.

There are singles in every age group. I know; my clients range in age from their thirties to their eighties. That said, if you’re looking to start a family, attending a singles event for those over 50 may not be your best bet for finding a like-minded partner.

When dating, you need to consider whether the person you’re interested in is at the same stage of life you are. It’s not enough that you both enjoy the same dinner fare or like to ski. Your relationship goals also need to align. Age can play into that.

Again, ask the host who will be in attendance. One caveat: you will also come across dating events with no age range or a very large one. Still ask who’s coming because sometimes people sign up in groups, which can affect the demographic of the event one way or the other as word gets around.

3. Singles events will often focus on common interests.

Many singles events will focus on a specific interest. For example, the event may be for those who like outdoor adventures or for people interested in learning to cook a certain type of cuisine.

If neither of these pastimes appeals to you, and you’re looking for an event that caters to your interests, find an event that does. They’re out there.

Yes, opposites can attract. But a singles event is often a jumping-off point for a first date. So if you’re on a hike with a singles group but don’t enjoy hiking, you may not feel comfortable. Or, for that matter, want to do it again.

It’s great to expand your horizons and learn new skills. But if you choose to do it at singles events, make sure it’s for beginners like you if you are a beginner, so you meet people in the same situation as you. In other words, there needs to be common ground. Even if it’s a new skill, skill level can be the common ground you’re looking for. 

Final thoughts …

Do your research. There are so many opportunities to get out there and meet other singles. But you want to do it in an environment where you will feel confident. So ask questions of the host or the hosting company. You would vet your date before investing your time and money, right?

Singles events are no different. Just as it is on a date, the success you have at a singles event is very much a function of what you bring to the table. Except when it’s a singles event, that table can be any venue you choose. Choose wisely. 

Is Owning Crypto Sexy?

Good news for crypto enthusiasts looking for love — owning cryptocurrency may make you more desirable to prospective partners. A new survey from social investing platform eToro’s inaugural Crypto & Culture survey shows that people who mention crypto in an online dating profile are more likely to find success on the dating scene.

Indeed, 33% of Americans claimed they would be more likely to swipe right on someone who mentioned crypto in their online dating profile. More than 40% of men and 25% of women said that their interest in a potential date rises when crypto is mentioned.

The allure provided by crypto doesn’t just yield more matches. According to the survey, nearly three in four people would be more interested in a second date with a person who paid the dinner bill in bitcoin.

Crypto’s appeal extends beyond bitcoin, too — digital assets such as nonfungible tokens ("NFTs") are also in demand. Almost 20% of singles said they would be more interested in a romantic prospect with an NFT as the profile picture on a social platform or dating site.

Outside of the dating market, cryptocurrency has exploded in popularity in recent years, especially since the start of the pandemic, and this interest in digital currency is a part of a greater shift toward online business. Just as banking has begun to move into the digital sphere, so has dating.

It’s, therefore, not surprising a population that has flocked to the internet for love would also be attracted by online assets like cryptocurrency and NFTs. The question thus remains: Should the average bachelor or bachelorette jump head, or wallet, first into crypto to help find the partner of their dreams?

Short answer: It depends. You probably shouldn’t make financial decisions of any kind solely to appear more attractive to strangers on the internet, regardless of what influencers may say. Despite all the hype surrounding it, cryptocurrency is still a new and volatile asset that may not be for everyone.

Since bitcoin’s all-time high last November, the crypto market has shed more than $1 trillion in value. Consequently, if you invest in cryptocurrency without the necessary expertise, you could subject yourself to heartbreak worse than any incurred on the dating scene.

That said, if you already own or are knowledgeable about cryptocurrency, showing it off may make you more attractive to prospective partners. Still, keep in mind that it will probably only have an aphrodisiac effect on those who are already interested in cryptocurrency themselves.

If you don’t mind attracting the infamous crypto guy or gal — whose penchant for discussing algorithmic trading, the self-driving transport revolution, and blockchain protocols has become the source of many an internet meme in recent months — then, by all means, promote away your crypto assets. If, however, the

prospect of discussing minting bananas and trading Solana for more than 30 seconds fills you with dread, ditch the NFT in your profile and stick with a well-lit selfie.

As a general rule of thumb when it comes to online dating, your profile should accurately represent who you are and what you care about. If owning bitcoin is an integral part of your identity, you should be proud to share it.

Featuring crypto on your profile may also help you weed out potential partners who find your passion for Ethereum less lovable and more loathsome. Or it could be the precise reason you attract your perfect match.

What Happens to Your Covid Relationship Post-Pandemic?

Did you get involved in a relationship during Covid? If so, you, like many people, may have bonded over different interests than you would have pre-Covid, such as watching binge-watching Netflix or cooking at home together.  

These are wonderful pastimes for sure, but now that you can be out and about and have the freedom to resume activities you may have had to put on the back burner during the pandemic, it’s time to make sure you and your partner are still on the same page. 

How do you do that? As always, I have a few suggestions. 

Think forward. 

Successful relationships progress. Therefore, you need to determine if your current relationship can offer you what you’re looking for, especially since it began when your goals may have been different. For many, Covid relationships were based on a mutual need for companionship during a time when people were isolated and lonely as a result.  

So think about your relationship goals today. For example, are you looking for an activity partner or a long-term relationship? Marriage? Marriage and children? If your goals aren’t the same, it’s time to consider your future with this person.  

Assess whether your pre-pandemic interests still align with your partner’s. 

Pre-pandemic, your love for international travel, theater, dining out, and just being social, may have reigned supreme. However, given how stay-at-home orders put a monkey wrench in those plans, you may not have shared your other passions with your current partner.  

Though you still may share the interests you cultivated during the pandemic or those you brought to the forefront of your life as a result of the way the world looked during 2020 and 2021, it doesn’t mean you must abandon everything else you loved before Covid-19 became a consideration. In other words, how you prioritize your passions and interests may not be the same post-pandemic.  

If, for example, you’re now looking to go on a four-month trip around the world, you need to consider that your partner may not be, quite literally, ready or willing to get on board with that. If they aren’t, you should take some time to determine what matters to you more — travel or your relationship — and how you can balance your outside interests with your interests in your relationship. Can they be balanced? The only way to know is to ask.  

Talk to your partner.  

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: To have a successful relationship, you need to communicate well and often. To that end, when re-evaluating your Covid-based relationship post-pandemic, explain to your partner what your life was like before and how you’re interested in resuming some parts or all of your former lifestyle. 

Explain in detail what that lifestyle looked like and how it could potentially impact your current relationship. Will you be traveling? Do you want to travel solo, with friends, or with them? Will you be traveling often for work? Will you be dining out more frequently? Have friends come to visit or stay over? 

Next, ask your partner: Are you still interested in my proposed lifestyle? How do you feel about the environment I am presenting to you? Then listen to what they have to say. They may have their own ideas about what a post-pandemic relationship looks like that may or may not specifically align with your vision. The question that thus remains is: Can you live with what you each propose? 

Final thoughts … 

Many beautiful relationships (and marriages!) have been born out of the pandemic. Indeed, this is a testament to the human spirit and our innate capacity to give and receive love. But not every relationship is destined for this next step. And that’s OK.  

Some relationships are circumstantial; they serve a purpose for a finite time, help you to grow, and bring you one step closer to your next relationship, perhaps your last one. The secret is having the wherewithal to know when you should hold on tight to what you have. Or release it in the hopes of finding what — and who — you’re meant to be with. Someone whose interests match yours and yours theirs, who wants to build a life and lifestyle that includes one other in it. For a relationship to endure, you need both. 

Should I Listen to Gossip About the Person I’m Dating?

Be careful about listening to gossip. Here’s why.  

You’re dating someone you kind of like. The relationship is new, so new that you haven’t even told your friends yet. You have a really good connection, they treat you well, and you’re excited to see where things are going.  

Then, BAM! Your friends weigh in about your new love interest, except not in a good way. Instead, they tell you something bad about the person — a story they heard, an incident from their divorce, something about their career. 

The information doesn’t sit well with you. Not only because what you heard is negative but also because it doesn’t make sense given what you know about this individual from your interactions with them. So what should you do? 

Address it.  

Well, first off, you should address it with them. “Hey, I heard this the other day and thought maybe you should know.” Make sure not to accuse. Don’t interrogate. Bring it up casually, in a public place where you also can speak with some privacy.  

Then wait for their response. Let them tell you their side of the story. Because there are always two sides, and more often three—theirs, whoever else was a part of the interaction you heard about, and the truth.  

You should be able to glean a lot just from their demeanor and initial response. Are they angry? Do they deny it? Do they say it’s true but want a chance to explain? Your only job at this point is to listen and evaluate their words. Which is why you want to … 

Stay open-minded.    

Though the gossip may be founded in truth or have truthful parts, it can also be false or a misinterpretation. Depending on what it is, such as the retelling of an interaction that took place during a past relationship, keep in mind that every relationship is different. People can behave differently with different partners. 

Of course, if the gossip has to do with abuse, take the information seriously and consider that it could be true. Individuals who are abusive in one relationship may be that way in another. This is where your judgment comes in, so with that in mind … 

Listen to your gut. 

More than any information you receive from others — your gut, your intuition, that “feeling” you have — will tell you everything you need to know. And that is to stay or go. The problem is we ignore that voice inside of us too often because we want to believe otherwise.  

When we make a decision that doesn’t work out for us, the moment we look back, we usually find there were signs that we missed along the way. The biggest sign often came from us, something inside of us that said to do things one way, yet we chose another.  

However, if your gut tells you it’s OK to continue developing a relationship with the person you’re dating, even amid the rumors, there is something you can do to protect your relationship. And that is to …   

Keep your connection close to the vest.  

Keep a low profile. Don’t splash your new relationship all over social media, and refrain from discussing this amazing connection you have with your friends, acquaintances, and the person in front of you on line at CVS. At least for a while. The more you go public with your new relationship, the greater the likelihood you have of exposing yourself to idle gossip. 

If you do become a couple, and you both choose to become more vocal about your relationship in the future, you will have a better foundation to withstand any rumors should they come back to you. Also, keep in mind that how public you are about your relationship communicates very little about the quality of your relationship. In fact, many of the strongest relationships fly under the radar.  

That’s not to say no one knows about them. They do. But these couples understand that outside forces can weigh on even the most solid couples. Don’t believe me? Look at all the celebrity relationships that fail because they couldn’t survive the stress of being in the spotlight. And the gossip.  

Be careful. 

As I mentioned earlier, be careful about confronting the person you’re dating about any gossip you’ve heard. You want to do it in a place where, if the person behaves not as you would have expected, you’re safe.  

You want to be careful when you date someone new. Period. Vet every person you date or have a professional help you the way I can. The vetting process can include asking around about them or listening to what you hear through the grapevine.  

That said, also be careful about what you hear through the grapevine. The information doesn’t have to be true, or there could be reasons why it is. So keep an open mind until your gut tells you not to.  

And, finally, if you need further guidance, don’t be afraid to ask for it. That’s what good friends are there for. Not to mention a matchmaker like me who just loves it when people gossip about her, saying, “She helped yet another couple find love.”    

Are You Inflexible in Your Dating Life?

It’s so easy to point a finger and say the reason why you aren’t coupled is because of someone else, because of something other people do or don’t do. But is that always the case? 

Sometimes, it’s important to turn the mirror on yourself to see if it’s the behavior you’re engaging in that’s causing you to have one failed dating encounter after another. One of the biggest culprits I’ve found causing undesirable dating results is inflexibility. 

A major part of being in a healthy relationship is how willing each person is to compromise. That said, compromising shouldn’t translate to being a pushover and always giving in to what the other person wants. But it does mean, at times, putting your partner’s wants and needs before your own or not always getting your way.  

Because the truth is, if you can’t be accommodating during the dating stage, you’ll likely never get to the relationship stage. Or at least the relationship stage where you’re in a healthy relationship. Even worse, there will always be toxic relationships to accommodate unhealthy behaviors.    

It’s one thing to be on a strict schedule when it involves kids, work, or some big life commitment. Obviously, you can’t be at the mercy of someone else. But it shouldn’t always be like this. If it is, it likely has something to do with having an inflexible mindset as it pertains to your dating life.  

Don’t believe me? Then check yourself. Here is what that inflexible dating behavior could look like.  

1. You get annoyed if the person you’re dating deviates from your plan.  

You choose a restaurant or other dating spot, for example, and the other person makes an alternative suggestion. If you’re the person who becomes easily annoyed, even scraps all the plans as a result, simply because you can’t bear to make the extra effort to find a new place or otherwise inconvenience yourself, consider the message you’re sending out into the universe or, rather, the dating pool. And that is, you’re inflexible, to say the least. Maybe even selfish or self-centered. 

If you’re not willing to break old patterns for something as mundane as a reservation or meeting spot, what else won’t you be willing to roll within your life? Speaking of which … 

2. You react badly to the unexpected.  

The airlines cancel a flight, one of you misses a train, there’s a last-minute emergency. You name it; it could happen. The reality is there are some challenges you just can’t avoid or control. But what you can control is how you react, even to the most challenging among them.  

It may mean making certain concessions or last-minute changes. But more than that, it demands showing empathy and compassion for others. When you’re consistently inflexible as problems arise, it sends yet another message to anyone you’re involved with, and that is, you don’t care. Not about them, not about anything. Except for yourself, that is. Now, be honest, would you want to date that person? 

3. You find fault in everyone.  

Think “Seinfeld.” And Jerry specifically, who came up with the most incredible reasons to break up with the women he dated.  

It’s one thing to be focused on the kind of person you’re looking for — someone whose lifestyle is similar to yours, is serious-minded about finding a partner, and wants the same type of relationship as you do. It’s another to break up with a woman because she has big hands, as Jerry chose to. 

With Jerry in mind, look back on the reasons why you ended relationships, even brief ones. Was it for a real reason or because yet another person didn’t fit the mold you created in your head of the perfect partner? Your answer may very well reveal that you, like Jerry Seinfeld, are an inflexible dater, someone who won’t deviate from the unrealistic expectations you’ve set for yourself and others.  

What your inflexibility may say about you … 

Now for the hard part. It’s time to ask yourself: Why am I so inflexible? 

The main reasons I’ve witnessed why daters are so rigid in their behaviors come down to two. The first is that they are controlling. The second is that they are emotionally unavailable; they say they want a relationship but do everything in their power to prevent this from happening. The reasons why can vary and may require further exploration by you.  

Therefore, if either of these reasons fit you, it’s probably time to do some soul-searching, maybe even get someone to help you modify your behaviors. A mental health professional can help with the big stuff like the whys, while a dating coach like myself can assist with tips and strategies to become a better, more polished dater.  

Keep in mind that the first step toward more promising dating experiences will be yours, the one where you commit to making positive changes in your life. From there, your love life will follow.  

Is it different working with men versus women?

To Michael, a client: 

1. Why did you hire Cassie? 

I was dating, but it never worked out well. I was looking for the love of my life, albeit a rather lofty goal, and I was not finding the quality of woman that I wanted and was tired of being painfully lonely. I remember thinking that I use consultants, experts, and coaches in my business life, so why not use an expert in my personal life?        

 2. What did you get out of hiring Cassie? 

I was a project for Cassie. After interviewing me to determine who I am and what I wanted, Cassie “tuned me up”! She coached me on my dating skills by tweaking a few things I did before, during, and after dates. And before my first date, Cassie upgraded my look. I remember her saying, “OK, now you are ready to date!” Cassie introduced me to very high-quality women, and within months, I met Liz and hit my lofty goal beyond my wildest dreams.   

To Cassie: 

3. Why did you take Michael on as a client? 

It was all about Michael’s mindset and positive attitude. Michael was serious about finding someone to date. He was laser-focused. He told me he wanted to date a woman whose lifestyle would meld with his, someone in his age group who is sincere, likes to travel, and is as equally passionate about finding a partner. Michael was willing to commit to a relationship, but first, he was willing to commit to me, giving me the time and attention I needed to help him. 

4. Is it different working with men versus women? 

Surprisingly, no. Men are easily misunderstood. So as with all my male clients, I talked to Michael and listened to him. Men have very specific needs, which align closely with women’s: they want intimacy and a quality partner with whom to share their lives. Men and women may be business leaders, but it doesn’t mean they are successful daters. It’s my job to merge these two identities.  

What Mindset Are You Battling in Your Dating Life?

How you talk to yourself about dating very much sets the stage for your dating experiences. No, a positive mindset won’t save you from ever experiencing a lack of chemistry on a date or dating someone who’s inconsiderate or even rude. But what a positive mindset will do is enable you to move on quickly when you do have these experiences, so you can meet someone who is right for you. 

Unfortunately, many singles don’t realize that their complaining or offhanded comments about dating are actually holding them back. That’s why checking in with yourself and asking, “Do I have a positive or negative mindset about dating?” can help.  

If you’re not sure or think the comments you make in your mind or to others are harmless, read on. What follows are a few of the most common complaints singles make about the dating scene and why they can hurt your chances of finding your next relationship.  

Negative Self-Talk 

1. Nobody’s going to want to date someone my age. 

I hear this all the time and, ironically, about all ages. And to that, I say, ridiculous! Since I became a matchmaker more than 30 years ago, I’ve helped singles ranging from their thirties to their eighties find love. And guess what? Somebody wanted to date someone “their” age.  

Since there’s enjoyment to be had at any age, so, too, is there love because people want to share the lives they love with someone special. Plus, love that comes later in life often affords more freedoms than it does when there are more family and career constraints. Less constraints mean more time to explore the world and the opportunities for love in it.   

2. They’re all flakes out there. 

Or, the other variant, everyone’s crazy. Really? Not everyone can be flaky or nuts. Not to mention, it raises the other, unavoidable possibility: Perhaps it’s not them who’s crazy, it’s me.   

If you write off everyone from the get-go, of course there’s going to be no one out there to date. To be honest, everyone has a little bit of eccentricity to them at times.  

Therefore, finding a match is very much about finding a person who’s got those quirks you can live with as opposed to the ones that are deal breakers. These vary for everyone. Remember, what’s flaky to one person could be endearing to another.   

3. There aren’t any high-caliber, quality people to date.  

Really? Aren’t you a high-caliber, quality person to date? If you answered yes, what makes you think you’re alone in your search? 

I’m not going to lie; there are some bad apples out there. It’s why you have to be a cautious dater and vet your dates or hire someone to help you do that. But there are also many, many find individuals looking for love and partnership, just like you.  

But, again, if you discount the entire dating pool, of course you’re not going to find anyone of substance. Instead, put your best foot forward, beginning with a positive attitude because that’s what attracts other like-minded individuals.  

4. I don’t have the time. 

Everyone’s busy. And the truth is we only make time for what’s important to us. So, if meeting someone special is important to you, then I suggest you lok at your schedule and find times where you can be more flexible.  

Believe it or not, you can go on dates throughout the day. A morning walk before work, a lunch date, a drink or dinner after work, a weekend brunch or mid-afternoon hike. You name it; it’s possible. That is, if you’re willing to devote the time.  

But you have to think positively. Which brings me to my next point, and that is to engage in more positive self-talk. So what is that? 

Positive self-talk 

1. I’m worth it. 

Yep, you heard me right. Literally tell yourself: “I’m worth it.” You’re worth someone calling you and spending time with you. You’re worth someone taking you to lunch or dinner or teaching you about a pastime they enjoy and want to share with you. And most oof all, you’re worth someone wanting to love you and share their life with you.   

2. It’s better to be with a partner and share your life. 

If you have a great life that you’re proud of and savor, congratulations because you’re already on the road to finding your next relationship. Think about it; you have a life you love, but wouldn’t it be that much better if there was someone you loved in it who could share many (not all) of the aspects of your wonderful life with you? 

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean giving up your independence or all of your private time. Not at all. What it does mean is that you can make an addition to your life that doesn’t subtract from it at the same time. To put it simply, it all comes down to mindset: are you positive or negative?    

3. It’s fun! 

Speaking of positivity, people who are upbeat tend to find enjoyment even in the mundane. They take pleasure in everyday activities and see the beauty in them. And that includes dating, which, depending on how you look at it, could be an adventure, too. 

Every date, you see, is an opportunity. An opportunity not only find love but also to have a pleasant morning, afternoon, or evening and nothing more. Those moments can be filled with good company, good food and wine, and good conversation, even if it leads nowhere. And there’s something always to be learned about others and yourself — if you’re open to it.  

Final thoughts … 

Stay positive, stay positive, stay positive. When you have a mindset that leaves you open to possibility, you actually can see it in front of you. When you’re negative, you’re closed off from the world and see only your own reality.  

Every one of us has had to deal with difficult issues in our life, which may very well be responsible for us being closed off at times. And sometimes, it takes a new person to help us see what may be right in front of us. Having worked with thousands of couples, I know how to get singles to look at dating from a fresh vantage point, one where they — and you — can see the whole forest, not only the trees. 

5 Ways to Tell You’re in a Pseudo-Relationship and What You Can Do About It

Relationships come in many shapes and sizes. But one relationship you don’t want to ever find yourself in is a pseudo-relationship. Why? Because, as its name implies, it isn’t real.  

A pseudo-relationship may feel real. And you may hope it is real. But once you scratch the surface, you’ll quickly realize that it isn’t and only disappointment awaits you. Finding a healthy relationship is challenging enough without having to deal with one that doesn’t offer you what you want. 

The key is to identify a pseudo-relationship early, and then move on. That way, you won’t waste your precious time staying in one. What follows are five surefire ways to identify a pseudo-relationship and then my advice for how you can prevent yourself from getting involved in one in the first place.  

1. You have never met in person.  

One tell-tale sign you may be in a pseudo-relationship is that you still haven’t met in person. Or, you may have met in person a few times but the relationship has since devolved into communication via email, text, social media, and phone calls only. 

Real relationships require that you not only meet in person but also that the interactions remain in person. When you have never met or you no longer see someone you’re supposedly involved with, you have no way of knowing what’s going on in their lives. On the flip side, you can bet that they don’t care what’s going on in yours. Otherwise, they would want to spend time with you, in the flesh.  

If you aren’t seeing the person you are connected with romantically, unless there’s a good reason why this is (a reason you know to be valid and one you’re OK with), you should consider it a red flag. Whether they are hiding something, like another relationship or a spouse or what have you, it doesn’t matter. You have enough information to walk away and search for someone who does want to spend time with you in real life. 

2. You develop what feels like a real relationship. 

If because of continuous texting, emailing, communicating over social media, and talking on the phone you think you’re in a real relationship, watch out. Just because the communication is frequent still doesn’t make the relationship real. Whether you’ve never met or met only a few times but this person never wants or makes time to see you, the result is the same. Consider the following situation. 

I had a client who told me about a relationship she found herself in a while back. After three dates, the guy stopped asking her out. Yet he still continued to call and text her every single day, rarely missing a beat. He lived about an hour-and-a-half away, yet whenever he was in the area, he called to tell her he would be there (presumably in case she saw him pop up on a dating app) but that he was too busy to see her.  

The woman eventually called him out on his shady behavior when, again, he told her he would be in the area the next day but wasn’t going to see her. After she called him out on his behavior, he offered to meet her for lunch the next day. But instead of him calling as he promised, she never heard from him again. At this point, the relationship had gone on for four months, with visits only occurring at the beginning.  

In retrospect, the woman realized the relationship was a pseudo one, despite the very personal nature of their conversations. Conversations that often involved him pouring his heart out to her about his ongoing divorce, relationship with his children, job woes, and finances. Likely, he was using her for emotional support but was not willing to offer her anything in return for the emotional labor she was providing, not to mention her time. Now she knows better. 

3. Time goes by yet you still haven’t met.  

In relationships, the time between when you first begin communicating and when you meet in person should be short. If you meet on a dating app, for example, you should communicate on the dating app a few times, then move to text. Those text exchanges should likewise be brief and lead to a phone conversation. Following one or two phone calls, during which you vet the person and decide whether you should indeed meet, you should actually meet.  

After your first date, if you both decide you would like the relationship to move forward and continue getting to know each other, you should do that by continuing to see each other in person. It’s OK to also communicate through text, email, social media, and phone, as long as the communication also includes in-person dates.  

The pandemic, which gave rise to a lot of Zoom dates, is over. Though remote dates still have their place, especially when vetting your matches, they still need to be followed by real dates. 

4. There’s always an excuse.  

The kids are there. Their work schedule is crazy. They’re traveling all month. If there’s always a reason why you can’t meet them in person, pull out your red flag and start waving it. 

If weeks go by, and you still haven’t met the person you are speaking to often, if they string you along with promises to meet that never materialize, remind yourself that in real relationships, apart from long-distance relationships where both parties mutually agree to a specific arrangement, people see each other in person. 

Yes, scheduling issues can exist; all of us have them. That said, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Someone who wants to see you does. It’s that simple.  

5. You stop interacting with other prospects because of this pseudo-relationship. 

 This is the part where you have a reality check. The part where you ask yourself: How has this relationship affected my search for love? 

 If your answer is that you have essentially put your love life on hold, watching and waiting for this pseudo-relationship to morph into what you want it to be, you’re letting it hinder your chances of finding your perfect match. 

 Pseudo relationships do three things, none of them good. First, they waste your time. Second, they set you up for disappointment, even heartbreak. And three, they can potentially cause you to become jaded about dating in general. So, what’s my advice? 

The solution? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. 

My grandmother and mother said this to me all the time when I was single and dating: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. In other words, don’t pin all your hopes on one person, especially without any proof they are ready, willing, and able to give you the relationship you want and deserve. And that you want it from them! 

 It’s good advice, too. As the late Maya Angelou said, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.” 

 The bottom line? It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. Only that what they’re doing doesn’t include you. And you deserve so much better than that.  

How to Answer Questions About Your Past Relationships on a First Date

“So … why’d the two of you break up?” she asked on their first date. “Was she cheating? Working too much? Not good enough in bed? C’mon, just tell me.”

“I, uh, well … it was, um, we had both started drifting apart,” he said before taking a large gulp of his wine.

Uncomfortable? If you said yes, think about how much more uncomfortable you’d feel if you were the one on the receiving end of prying questions like these. And from someone you just met, no less.

Well, this happens more than you may think on first dates, which can be the reason why those first dates also become last dates. That’s because personal questions about past relationships aren’t generally appropriate for this stage of dating.

So, how do you respond to personal questions about your past relationships when that not-so-special someone asks them? I have a few ideas.

Gently try and change the subject.

How open you are is a matter of personal preference. But as a matter of course, it’s usually better not to divulge too many details, especially about matters of the heart, to people who don’t know you well. That’s because they have no frame of reference by which to evaluate your comments, and you risk them getting the wrong idea about you.

Therefore, if your date starts to press you about information you may not feel comfortable discussing, your best bet is to try and gently change the subject. More specifically, direct the conversation to subjects you may be more comfortable talking about: your travels, where you grew up, your livelihood (in broader terms), and perhaps some of your aspirations.

What each of these conversation topics has in common is that you can approach them from a place of positivity. Past relationships, no matter how well they ended, can bring about negative emotions, such as sadness or anger — in you and the person you’re speaking to.

Come out and say that you’re not comfortable discussing your past relationships.

If the person you’re on a date with isn’t taking the hint, consider taking a more direct approach: “I’m not really comfortable talking about this. But I would love to hear more about how you …” And then ask them something about themselves. Or, again, try to divert the conversation elsewhere, perhaps to something you recently did or have planned. The important thing to remember is you don’t owe anyone an intimate view of your life, especially someone you recently met.

Now, I will warn you, there are those people who still won’t listen and will continue to press you. If the person you’re out on a date with still doesn’t want to honor your request to change the subject or just isn’t getting it, they’re giving you information about themselves that you need to carefully evaluate.

Make a decision about whether you want to consider dating this person.

At the extreme, if someone is making you uncomfortable on a date, whether because of the personal questions they’re asking you or any other reason, you always have the right to excuse yourself then and there.

However, if you don’t feel as though you’re in imminent danger but find their persistence anywhere from annoying to off-putting, you have a decision to make: Do you want to see this person again should they ask?

Having someone pry into your personal life, even after you’ve requested clearly and directly that they stop, could be a red flag and a sign of undesirable behavior to come. For example, this person could be controlling or emotionally abusive. Think about it. If they’re pushy about your past relationships at this stage of the game, what else will they be aggressive about, and when? You don’t need to wait around to find out.

Final thoughts …

First dates are the time to begin getting to know each other. The time when you can learn as much about a person from their answers to the questions you ask as you can from the way they ask questions, the type of questions they ask, and their reactions when they don’t get their desired response. I know it’s a lot to discern. However, it’s critical that you take a moment to assess what it is you’re learning from and about your date.

Your time is valuable as is your physical and emotional wellbeing. So watch and listen. Then, if you don’t like what you’re seeing and hearing, feel free to move on. There’s no shortage of eligible singles — if you have the right advice to guide you. Singles who will show you the courtesy and respect you want. And are waiting for you to show that to them, too.

Cassie Zampa-Keim is dedicated to helping singles find their perfect match.

1. How did I get into the business?

After college, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do. But I was (and am) a people person. I like to get to know what makes others who they are and how I can help them improve their lives. I had an opportunity to apprentice with a local matchmaker, so I gave it a shot. It didn’t take long to find my true passion, which is finding love for singles. You could say that when it came to my chosen career, it was love at first sight!

2. What makes a client successful?

Commitment. Commitment to the process. Commitment to their goal of finding love. Commitment to themselves to be the best they can be. For clients to be successful at finding love, they have to be all in. We must work as a team, and they must respond to me. Clients have to have faith in the process and remain optimistic. Attitude counts for a lot. Potential matches can sense when someone’s negative and will shy away from someone who is. Positivity is an aphrodisiac.

3. What does a typical client look like?

This is the great part about what I do. None of my clients are typical. They range in age from their thirties to their eighties. They come from various backgrounds. However, there are commonalities, and they are that all of my clients are smart, successful, dedicated, and kind people who lead full lives but know their life can be fuller with the right partner. My clients are with me because they are invested in finding love and invested in themselves.

4. Why did I start doing the hot tips of the day on Instagram?

People were asking if I had one piece of advice for them what it would be. I’ve been in this business for more than three decades and, therefore, I have a lot to say. It’s also why I wrote my book, “Finding Love After 50.” This led to my hot tips on Instagram (@innovativematch). I realized people wanted practical yet inspirational information they could get while on the go. My hot tips took off because it was a way I could connect with singles and them with me while helping them change their lives.

5. Why does Cassie call her work a journey and not a program?

Finding love requires introspection and making incremental changes to your attitude, environment, and, how much faith you have in yourself. Transformation is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. Calling what I do a program implies there’s a start and finish and minimizes the magic that comes when you commit to yourself, which you must do to commit to someone else. A growth mindset is something you develop and can take with you wherever you go and benefit from whoever you’re with, especially a new love. Are you ready?

Want to Redesign Your Love Life? Here’s How

Did you know that you are very much in control of your love life? You may not feel like it, especially if you’ve had negative experiences online. When using online dating sites, it can feel as though you’re never in the driver’s seat. That you’re always at the mercy of others, waiting around for a response to your emails, texts, and calls. And that’s if you’ve even gotten that far. 

These issues may be accurate and, to some degree, probably are because, for starters, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. However, because you can control your own, there are ways for you to put yourself in the driver’s seat and increase your chances of finding love.  

 The first has to do with defining your relationship goals, and the second deals with laying out a strategic plan for meeting as many people as possible. After all, you can’t meet potential matches if you’re sitting at home on your couch watching Netflix.  

So if you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places or finding only the wrong people even in the right places, a redesign of your love life may be what you need. Here are a few ways to get started.  

Three questions to ask yourself to discover what kind of partner you want in your life. 

1. Would I date myself? 

It sounds like a silly question. In fact, the idea of dating yourself might seem strange — and perhaps a bit narcissistic. But asking yourself this question and exploring the concept could give you insight into why your dating life isn’t going quite as you’d like. If, for instance, you find yourself attracting the wrong kind of person.

Before entering a relationship, you should want to date yourself. If you want someone who has plans for the future, you better first have some of your own. Do you want someone sensitive, responsible, and compassionate? These are wonderful qualities, but are you this person, too?  

It’s hard to ask something of someone you wouldn’t (or couldn’t) ask of yourself. If you wouldn’t want to date you — the real you, then the people who do might be, let’s just say, less than optimal partners. Therefore, it may be worth asking: What about me would I like to change to make myself more attractive to the people I want to date? 

That said, I am by no means advising you to take on the qualities of someone you meet. No, not at all. What I am suggesting that you do is take affirmative steps to become your best self. There’s a difference. 

2. What kind of relationship am I looking for right now? 

Nothing is worse than finding a great partner only to realize you are looking for different things. To avoid the heartbreak and frustration of a “right person, wrong time” situation, it is important to recognize your own needs and objectives in a relationship.  

Are you looking for something more low-commitment? Then you should make that clear to the people you go out with so they know what to expect. Are you ready to settle down? Then you may want to avoid people with “nothing serious” in their online dating profiles.  

Getting clear with yourself first about your relationship goals will enable you to better communicate them to a potential partner. It will also ensure that you find someone with the same objectives.  

3. What has worked for me in my past relationships, and what hasn’t? 

This question goes hand in hand with my first two points. Are there issues you struggled with in your past relationships? Did you, for example. have trouble communicating or trusting past partners? Alternatively, were there characteristics of past relationships or partners that you liked and would want to see in a new relationship?  

Get clear about what your past relationships lacked and why they were wonderful while they lasted. Next, look to the possible reasons behind why for both. Finally, look for ways to make improvements in a new relationship.    

How can I expand my network and increase my chances of finding love? 

1. Get active! Join activities/classes to meet new people. 

Whether it’s joining a gym or taking a class at the local community center, getting involved in an activity is an effective way to meet people with similar interests. You can also see if your workplace, parks department, or house of worship has a recreational sports team you would be interested in joining. Not only are sports a great way to stay active, but you may also be surprised by the people you meet.  

Don’t think you’re the active type? Look to join a local book club, movie club, cooking club, or hiking club. Whatever hobby you enjoy, others probably enjoy it, too. And that makes for a natural starting point for a friendship, romance, or friendship that leads to romance. 

2. Call up friends to catch up. 

Friendships are like plants; they will wither away and die if you don’t water them regularly. So make sure you periodically reach out to your friends.  

Call or text them just to see how they are doing. Ask about your friends’ lives. Show an interest — and genuinely be interested — in what’s important to them. A good friend doesn’t make a friendship all about their needs but also takes an active interest in the other person. 

 Building genuine friendships naturally expands your network and can open up opportunities for you to meet a potential love interest. Your friends may know and be able to set you up with someone they know you would get along with, and because you are such a good friend, they will be only too happy to do so. 

3. Say yes to new adventures and events when invited.  

Reasons abound for why you may not want to go out on any given night. Maybe you’re tired after a long week or have a lot going on at work. That said, if someone invites you somewhere, you should make an effort to go. Even, or especially, if the event in question is something you have never gone to before or an activity you haven’t tried.  

Obviously, if the activity in question is something you don’t feel comfortable doing or you can’t afford, you should probably decline the invitation on those terms. But do try to make alternative plans with that person. But, again, the point is to stay active and engaged with your network. And most of all, open to what your interactions, energy, and what having a positive attitude can bring you. 

For the Founder of This Matchmaking Company, Her Life's Work Is Also Her Passion

1. Why did you hire Cassie?

 EMILY (Cassie’s client): I had tried online dating many times and never got results. I was on Match and Tinder but kept seeing the same guys. I also kept picking the wrong guys. The whole thing seemed futile. I knew it had to be something I was doing because people were still finding love. I never once thought of using a matchmaker, but I kept seeing Cassie’s ads, was curious, and figured I’d reach out. 

2 . What did you gain in value from working with Cassie?

EMILY: Cassie responded immediately. I was nervous, but I knew that I would be hiring a true professional matchmaker and seasoned dating coach as I was talking to her. I wanted someone with a fresh set of eyes who could weed out the guys, had a knack for picking not only the right guys but the right guy for me, and who could offer step-by-step dating advice. Cassie found Sean for me, and I’m so happy now.

3. Why were you successful with Emily?

 CASSIE: From the moment I started working with Emily, she was 100% in it, dedicating herself to the process by being open and positive. She listened to my advice and experienced a lot of personal growth as a result. She learned about herself and how important having similar core values is in finding a partner. We developed a great friendship riding the ups and the downs together. The result was I found her Sean.

4. What can a client expect when working with you?

CASSIE: Innovative Match clients are a wonderful community of like-minded, kind, dedicated, educated, successful professionals who are open to new thoughts, ideas, and, most of all, the possibility of finding love. My work is my passion, and all of my clients get 100% of my effort and enthusiasm because I genuinely care and demonstrate how much I care by always making myself available to listen and guide them. I can do that for you.

Do you get frustrated if you don’t get a response when using online dating sites?

One of the most frequent complaints from users of online dating sites like Match and OkCupid is that responses are sporadic. In other words, you send out emails, and it feels as if they are going into a black hole, never to be seen or read. 

Well, there may be some truth to that. If you’re using online dating sites, there’s a real likelihood that you may be sending messages to someone who’s no longer there. Someone who is no longer active. Someone who met someone but never deactivated their profile, got busy, gave up, or never cared to begin with. Or the profile was fake. But that’s another story altogether, and if it was fake, better you never had to find out the hard way.  

Whatever the reason, the profile you’ve attempted to engage with is there, but the person behind it is MIA. The problem is no one told you, not even the dating site. So what should you do if you send out an email and don’t receive a response? 

1. Don’t take it personally. As I just said, online dating sites do very little to let you know if the owner of the profile you’re engaging with is an active subscriber or not. Numerous online dating platforms have faced lawsuits about this very issue. These suits specifically concern how many accounts are fake or inactive or accounts that were accidentally reactivated by the site when the user had deactivated theirs.  

2. Look for signs of life. On an online dating platform, that sign of life usually comes in the form of a green or yellow light that indicates the account holder is active or recently was. How active, though, you still may not be able to glean, given how many people window shop online.  

3. Check out when exactly the person was last online. In addition to the green or yellow light, many profiles include a timestamp of sorts underneath the name and location of the account holder to indicate when exactly the account holder was last online. Depending on the platform, it might say something to the effect of “Online now” or “Online 9 hours ago,” for example. Whatever the phrasing, look for this clue. If this information is missing, it may very well mean so is this person from the online dating world. 

4. Don’t get frustrated. I know; you’re already frustrated. It’s the reason you clicked on this article in the first place. But really, getting frustrated serves no good here. Employing online dating sites in your search for love is a means to an end. It’s a tool to help you, not the focus of your search, which means it shouldn’t consume you.  

None of these online dating platforms are perfect, and why you should use more than one (but no more than three) in your search. But if you do, you may want to try engaging with a more niche site, where you may not see the same people over and over. For example, if you’re using a site such as Match or OkCupid, which are more mainstream, you may want to consider an online dating site with a more focused community such as Jdate or Christian Mingle.  

5. Keep going. Online dating is a numbers game, which means you need to keep playing to increase your odds of winning. And by winning, I mean finding a first date and eventually a partner or a spouse. Your person. A real person. One who will answer your email on an online dating site, want to text and talk on the phone, and then want to meet you in person. It’s not magic, but when you find love and love finds you, it will sure feel like it is.     

7 Surefire Tricks for Writing a Standout Online Dating Profile

There are a lot of factors that go into writing a successful online dating profile. And not all of them have to do with the words on the page, though they, too, are important. One misstep, and it could be the reason why a potential match passes you by.

Instead, what you want your profile to do is cast a wide net while still including enough information that the reader can quickly determine if you meet their basic threshold for matchability. What you don’t want to do is disqualify yourself for something in your profile that isn’t actually an accurate depiction of who you are.

So, who are you? Well, you tell me. Or rather, tell your new love. So, here are a few tips on how to do it.

1. Write your profile when you’re in a good mood.

If you write your online dating profile when you’re feeling optimistic, your positive state of mind will jump off the page, literally. However, the same will happen if you’re negative; the person reading won’t be able to get away from you fast enough. I mean, would you want to date someone who makes some of the following statements, which, even worse, often show up in the first line of an online dating profile?

●       “I don’t know why I’m here.”

●       “Is anybody really going to read this?”

●       “My best friend told me I should try online dating.”

●       “I can’t believe I’m back on this site again.”

●       “I’m not sure why I’m doing this, but here goes.”

●       “I’m here to see what happens, but I don’t hold out much hope.”

I can say pretty matter-of-factly that I wouldn’t want to date you simply because you sound like you wouldn’t want to date yourself. That’s a swipe left, Bob. 

2. Say less, not more.

Don’t do what this writer did, which is to say way too much. The adage less is more applies to online dating profiles, too. Consider the following two statements:

My last relationship ended after I found out my husband was having an affair with my best friend from college. I’m still angry about it and trying hard to move on, so I thought I would get on this site.”

“ lost my job last October, and now I’m thinking about starting a new career since I haven’t gotten any leads yet, probably because of the current administration. Lol.”

Neither of these narratives is suitable for a first date, let alone an online dating profile. Both reveal far too much information about the writer’s life, don’t reflect positively on the writer, make the writer sound negative, and, especially in the case of the second statement, can be polarizing.

And that’s despite the “Lol,” which does the opposite of what the writer probably intended it to, and that is to draw attention to the statement while making themselves otherwise sound wishy-washy (read: passive-aggressive) about their political leanings.

3. Be truthful.

If you’re separated, say so. Separated isn’t divorced. If you have a Jewish divorce, a get, Mazel Tov, but, remember, you’re still married under U.S. law. The same is true if you’re separated, but your spouse doesn’t know about it; “technically” married is still married. The last I checked, you can’t be a little pregnant either.

If you’re 67 and look much younger, again, congratulations. But your chronological age is still 67, so don’t put 54 in your profile because people say you look like you’re 54. Lies by any other name (“I changed my age for search purposes) are still lies. Same for height.

When you lie, and people find out about it, they tend to feel duped. They also tend to wonder what else you may be lying about. They also tend to send you packing.  

4. Focus on what’s on the inside, not the outside.

Do you know what’s sexy? Self-confidence. Being an interesting person. Independence. Knowing what you want. Do you know what’s not sexy? Focusing on someone’s looks, beginning with your own.

The reason? Who you are is so much more powerful than what you look like. Have you ever noticed that a person, regardless of their appearance, becomes better looking as you get to know them and find out you enjoy their company, think they’re smart, respect their values, and can see what a kind person they truly are?

The reverse is also true.

5. Tell a story.

Writing your profile as a story, with a beginning, middle, and end, while weaving in elements of what qualities you’re looking for in a potential match can be pretty effective. First, it keeps the reader engaged. Second, the technique gets readers to want to know more. And third, it’s specific enough so that the reader has enough information about whether they want to pass on your profile or engage.

The idea is that your online dating profile stands out from the others. Telling a story — your story — is an easy and fun way to do that.

6. Run your profile by someone else before posting it.

Before posting your online dating profile, ask a few people to read it. They should be people you trust, who will give you their honest opinion. Look for readers from your target audience, too. They may be able to tell you something different than your best friend or your mother.

If you’re not comfortable asking anyone, then try this: read your profile aloud. Do it anyway even if you’ve already asked five people to be your guinea pig. Often when you read a piece of writing aloud, you can hear your speech differently than if you read it to yourself. The idea is to come off conversational and relatable, and sometimes you need to hear what you wrote to do that.

7. Proofread, edit, and spellcheck.

The idea is to engage your readers by having them focus on the positives about your online dating profile and, obviously, you. Not engage them because your profile is so bad they can’t bear to look away from it.

Poor grammar, bad editing, and spelling errors are huge deterrents to readers. They may read to the end simply because it’s that horrible or decide to keep scrolling by the second sentence. Either way, the outcome isn’t one you desire.

In this day and age, any mistakes in your profile are on you. Which means you hold the key to a great profile. And your heart.

Don’t Talk Yourself Out of a First Date. Here’s Why.

Have you ever scheduled a date with someone new and had second thoughts? Said to yourself or someone else, “Why am I even bothering to go?” 

If you answered yes, your response is normal. Summoning the strength to go on a date is no easy feat. It can feel like a lot to have to get dressed, drive to a location you may not have been, then be “on” for an hour or so with someone you’ve never met in person before. I’m tired just writing about it. 

But, and this is a big but, if you talk yourself out of going on that date you scheduled (unless, of course, there’s a really good reason, like you found out the person is married or has lied about their identity in some other substantial way), you may miss out on meeting your new love.  

Sound corny? You bet, but it’s true. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve gotten a phone call from a client right before a date, asking me how they could cancel in a polite way. I’ve received these calls sometimes within as few as 20 minutes before the date was to start. The biggest reasons? General disinterest and first-date jitters. 

Fortunately, I have advice for overcoming both. So, if this has ever happened to you, I suggest you continue reading.  

How can you overcome disinterest before a first date? 

It’s extremely important before a first date to make sure you’re in the right headspace. Otherwise, your date will feel like dominos falling, and nothing about the date or the person will fall into place. Your date, in other words, will probably leave you wanting more. Which means you won’t want anymore — from them, at least. Your relationship will have been over before it started. 

A way to become interested before a first date comes down to a few simple things, beginning with only scheduling dates with people you’re interested in seeing. That means, after a few text exchanges and a call or two, if you don’t want to meet that individual in person, then don’t. It’s not time wasted; it’s actually time saved. Your time is precious, and, therefore, you shouldn’t give it to just anyone. 

Once you’ve put that date on the calendar, prepare for it. If you’re the person planning the date, do your homework. That means considering your past conversations to pick a venue both of you will enjoy, one that isn’t too far away for the other person or remote.  

After that, generate excitement about the date — for the other person and yourself. Brush up on the details you’ve already learned about the person. And interact via text or a quick call before the date. Always confirm.  

If you’re not the one planning the date, still review what you know about the person you’re about to meet. Excite yourself. Imagine the potentially nice morning, afternoon, or evening in store for you. Think positively, instead of saying, “I know nothing’s going to come of this.” 

These few small actions will make you feel more invested. Not too much that you will feel disappointed if there’s no chemistry on the date. But enough that you’re setting yourself up, and the other person, to feel any chemistry that may exist.  

How can you overcome pre-first-date jitters? 

Doing most of the above will get the ball rolling for getting rid of or at least lessening those pre-first-date jitters you may feel. Beyond that, I have a few suggestions for taking the edge off. 

If you’re feeling nervous, make sure your internal narrative is positive. Remind yourself of all that you can offer to another person. Make a list if you have to of all the traits that make you appealing.  

Still a little jittery? Talk to a friend or a dating strategist like myself. Someone who can listen and let you bounce your fears or ideas off of. Sometimes it’s helpful to know you’re not alone in this. 

Finally, tell yourself it’s just a date. Take the pressure off of yourself. The only reason for a first date is to see if you like the person enough to move forward with them for a second date and to have fun. That’s it.  

Don’t go in thinking, “Is this person going to be my husband or wife?” That’s a lot of weight to put on a first date.  

My advice? Keep dating in perspective. It’s just that simple. And easy. Which is how dating should be.  

Should You Date Someone Who Has Never Been Married?

He’s afraid of commitment.”

“She’s crazy.”

“He’s set in his ways.”

“She’ll put spin class before you.”

And these are only a handful of the reasons I’ve heard why you shouldn’t date someone who has never been married. I’ve heard more, and none of them are necessarily true.

That’s because, when it comes to dating, the only rule you should stick by is that a rule which causes you to close yourself off from options is a bad rule. Here’s why.

When you see someone on a dating app, you have no idea why they’ve never been married.

Though I consider online dating a valuable tool for exposing yourself to a large pool of singles, some platforms, especially dating apps, are fundamentally flawed because they don’t provide a lot of space to explain your single status. Especially the “never been married” status, because that sometimes requires a bit more explanation.

For example, say a person was in a committed, long-term relationship, but that he and his partner decided, for financial reasons, not to marry. Does it mean he was afraid to commit? No, not according to these facts. Their agreement was mutual.

Consider also the lawyer who worked around the clock until she made partner during her tenth year of practice, then put in another five years because she wanted to solidify her position. And now that she has, she’s ready and has the time to devote herself more fully to a relationship. Is she crazy because she hasn’t been married yet? Crazy busy, yes. Nuts? I would need more evidence of that.

Or the guy who had several short-term relationships that didn’t work out, whether because of a lack of chemistry, a job transfer, or a sick parent who ate up a lot of his time and attention. Is he set in his ways, or did life get in the way of him finding a partner? Chances are it’s the latter.

And about that woman who loves spin, who missed going to the gym during the pandemic, and whose Peloton changed her life. Yeah, she loves spinning for sure. But would her love for it supersede her finding the love of her life? I’m doubtful.

The point is I could come up with hundreds of scenarios, each of which could explain away the limiting statements above. Statements that could cause you to miss out on meeting an entire category of people based on one thing they haven’t done, which is to marry, versus all the things they have done in their lives to make them the person they are and why they may be right for you including the fact that they’ve never been married.

Here are a few benefits to dating someone who has never been married:

●        Less time and fewer financial obligations they must devote to an ex-spouse and kids, for example

●        Less emotional baggage, such as lingering anger or resentment from a nasty divorce

●        More flexibility since fewer obligations and less emotional baggage may lead to having more time to spend with a new partner, added freedom to move closer to them, etc. 

Final thoughts…

I have a friend who always says, “She/he fell through the cracks.” What my friend really means is that the person they know is great but just hasn’t met their person yet.

If that’s you, the one who has fallen through the cracks, say, as Michael Bublé did, it’s because “I Haven’t Met You Yet.”

And if, by chance, you have been married but find yourself on a dating app because your last relationship or marriage didn’t work out? Remind yourself that it also means you haven’t met your person yet, either.

5 Ways to Up Your Message Game and Improve Your Online Dating Success

Feeling tired of messaging on dating apps and getting nowhere? I have a simple answer: stop. No, don’t stop messaging. Rather, start making the most of your messages. 

Messaging, no matter how much we loathe it and how it can make the early stages of dating feel tedious, boring, and frustrating, is necessary. That’s because online dating is ubiquitous. So, too, are the messaging platforms they have built into them.  

Even if you hire a matchmaker/dating coach to strategize with you, online dating is still the most effective way to access singles. The idea is to narrow your search from there. How you interact when messaging is one way to judge and be judged by your single peers. 

So, if your messaging skills need some improvement, listen up. I’ve got five easy steps that can take you from digits to date.  

1. Don’t give out your phone number in the first message. 

If someone wrote to you, “Hey, here’s my phone number. Feel free to text or call me,” what would you think? Probably that (1) this person is way too aggressive, (2) they’re desperate, and (3) they’re likely sending this message to a lot of people, not just you. Feeling special yet? 

Probably not. Well, that’s more reason not to send this kind of message to others. The idea is to engage someone you’re interested in with a message, not chase them away with one. 

2. Personalize your messages.  

So how do you engage? For starters, personalize your messages. If you’ve seen someone’s profile on a dating app, reference a detail you read about them from it. The message doesn’t have to be long. In fact, it’s better if it’s short. Ask a question to get the conversation going. 

Think about your first exchange as building blocks. If you were building a foundation for a building, you wouldn’t throw a bunch of cement blocks in a pile, would you? The same goes for messaging. Think slow and steady. After all, you want to build rapport between you.  

3. Pay attention to the rhythm of your exchange. 

During each exchange (there could be a few messaging “sessions” before you take your interactions to the next level with a phone call), pay attention to the rhythm of your messaging. What does this mean? If you send one message, wait for a response. When the person you’re messaging sends back one, two, maybe even three short messages, then respond.  

Don’t write volumes. Balance the length of your messages with those from the person you’re messaging. And, heaven forbid, if the person you’re messaging drops off or doesn’t message you back right away (or ever again), don’t blow up their phone with “Hello?” or “Did your cat get run over?” or “I guess it’s over.” 

I shouldn’t have to explain how you sound. Okay, since you asked, I will: #psycho  

4. Offer to chat. 

Messaging can be fun and a total rush as you see the name of the person you’re interested in pop up on your home screen again and again. But it can also get old fast, especially if you’re messaging someone on the other end who’s on the dating site because they’re serious about meeting potential matches, not finding other messaging buddies.  

So, if after a few exchanges, you’re interested in talking on the phone, offer to chat. If the other person dodges you and continues to strike up conversations over the dating app, ask a second time politely. Don’t wait too long to make this second request. Your time is valuable.  

If they still don’t take you up on your offer to speak the next time you ask, take that as your cue to move on. Then do so without drama. 

On the other hand, if the other person says they’d like to talk, pat yourself on the back because it means you’re doing this messaging thing right. And you’re also ready for the next step, which is to . . .    

5. Exchange phone numbers and schedule a convenient time to talk. 

Convenient should be the operative word here—for both of you. You want to talk when you have each other’s attention.  

So pick a time when you’ll be at your best. When your boss isn’t within earshot, you’re in aisle ten at the grocery store, or you just had a fight with your ex or teenage son. 

Blow it, this call could become your first and last call with them. Better yet, it could be the call that leads up to your last first date. 

5 Reasons Why You Should Be Frickin’ Happy You’re Single on Valentine’s Day

It’s coming…The day dreaded by many singles, men and women alike. What to get the wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, activity partner, or new squeeze can the source of a lot of stress. And suppose you get it “wrong”? Let’s not go there now. 

Then there’s all that well-meaning advice and the articles about what to do on Valentine’s Day if you’re single or how to celebrate Galentine’s Day. If you’re like a lot of singles, you just don’t want to hear it. For good reason: there’s nothing wrong with being single on Valentine’s Day. In fact, it can be quite right. Here’s why. 

1. You’ve ended a relationship because it wasn’t working. 

Whether you ended it or the person you were dating ended it for you, kudos to you. Why? There’s no better way to waste time than staying in a relationship that’s going nowhere. Or a relationship that isn’t making you happy, where you feel unseen and unheard. Or worse, a relationship in which you’re the victim of abuse.  

These are all great reasons to be single, and you should celebrate them this Valentine’s Day. And every day after.  

2. You’ve decided to take time to work on yourself. 

“It’s not you, it’s me” is your mantra. You’re keenly aware the time isn’t right for you to be in a relationship right now. Whether you’re changing jobs, want to focus on your career, are resolving issues from your childhood, or are knee-deep into a kitchen renovation, which is stressing you out, it’s all good.  

Everyone, including you, is entitled to take time off from dating to focus on yourself, to improve your life in any way you imagine. That can include going to therapy, visiting a spa, or anything in between. Your life is your life, so live it on your terms. Better to date when you’re ready.   

3. You’re enjoying your single status now.  

Being single can be freeing. It can feel liberating, especially after the end of a long relationship or marriage. Everyone needs space to heal and to regroup. The same is true if you’re suffering from dating burnout. A break can be just what you need.  

Being single, you can take to time to figure out who you are, what you like, what you don’t, and what you’re looking for in a new partner. That way, when you meet someone you’re attracted to, you can make an informed decision about whether you want to explore a relationship with them. The best part is you can have fun while doing all this.  

4. You’re keeping your options open.  

As someone who’s single, you have nothing but options. Opening yourself to all of the possibilities out there (there are so many singles to meet these days) means you have not only the freedom of choice, but you hold all of the power.  

They (whoever they are) aren’t choosing you; you’re choosing them. This state of mind in itself is empowering. Strong, confident singles attract like-minded people, which is definitely a plus. 

5. You recognize that finding the right person for you is a process. 

You might have heard that dating is like having a second job. I don’t really love when people say that because having a second job can sound tiring or imply that dating is a burden. Dating is anything but that. That is if you’re doing it right. 

I tell my clients to think of dating as an activity — a fun one. You wouldn’t sign up for spin, pilates, or photography if you didn’t like it, right? With that in mind, a date should be enjoyable and something you look forward to. If it’s not, then the situation isn’t right: the person you’re meeting isn’t someone you’re interested in, what you’re doing together isn’t something you like, or you don’t have your head in the game.  

All of these reasons are worth hitting the pause button to ask yourself: Am I spending the time I’ve allocated to dating constructively? If your answer is no, change the dating venue, the date, or the person you’re going on the date with. But, most importantly, change the narrative in your head. Once you do, your heart will follow. And whenever you’re ready, so will the person who’s right for you. 

5 Things to Do if the Person You’re Dating Says During a Breakup ‘It’s Not You, It’s Me’

You’ve heard countless times of people who’ve gone on several dates and think it’s going well, only to be blindsided by the other person who says they’re no longer interested in moving forward. Or perhaps sensing that the interest of the person they’re dating is waning, they send a text asking if their suspicions are correct, only to get the confirmation they seek. Or they send an innocent text asking to hang only to be met with the same result, that it’s over. Maybe these things have happened to you.  

How easy it would be if the dumper left it at that. “We’re done.” “It’s over.” Unfortunately, there is one phrase dumpers use that tends to cause confusion for the dumpee and, as a result, unnecessary pain and the wasting of precious time. And that is: “It’s not you, it’s me.”  

Having been helping clients navigate relationships for more than three decades, I’m here to tell you that these five seemingly “nice” words are, in reality, the death knell of not only your relationship but – and here’s the clincher – of any hope that the relationship will pick up again.  

Repeat what I’m saying to yourself again if you have to. Because what I’m desperately trying to prevent you from doing is what so many people do when they hear these words, and that’s to hang onto the phrase as a shred of hope this person will eventually come around. Reader, if this behavior describes you, you’re grossly mistaken.  

Arguably the most cliché of the breakup-isms, “It’s not you, it’s me,” comes up again and again for me with clients. If they haven’t had it said to them, they’ve used it on others. Although everyone knows it’s cliché, it remains a dating go-to because, in theory, it appears harmless. Even nice because it places the blame for the relationship’s end on the dumper, so, hopefully, the dumpee doesn’t feel as bad.  

The problem is that it doesn’t work for two reasons. First, the person getting dumped still feels bad. And second, they think there’s hope. 

Despite intentions, the meaning of “It’s not you, it’s me” is actually this: “It’s you, not me. I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I want you to go away as soon as possible, and even better is if you go away quietly.” Unfortunately, that message doesn’t usually come through loud and clear. Instead, what happens is the dumpee believes, in error, the dumper will come around when the timing is better for them.  

But what about your timing? See where I’m going with this? Take it from me, the words “It’s not you, it’s me” give you all the information you need to know — it’s over now. Not for now. But now. And now has to be enough of a reason for you to move on. Time is precious. Time also equals opportunity, something you never want to squander.  

I know what you’re going to say. Their mom is sick, they’re changing jobs, their kid is going through a rough time at school. You’re happy to wait it out. Stick by them. You’re a good person, and so are they. 

I hear you. But you need to hear the person who just dumped you, and they don’t want you doing that. Otherwise, they would’ve told you so. They would’ve asked for you to stay or simply not let you go.  

 I understand that it’s tough to hear. Which is why I have five tips that can help you move forward. 

1. Take the words at face value. 

This isn’t a rom-com. This is real life, where most people say what they mean, even though they might not say it firmly or loudly enough. But actions? Actions speak for themselves.  

So think about this: a person who wants to keep you would never want to put you in a position where they could lose you. On the contrary, they would do everything in their power to keep you close. The last thing they would ever want you to do is date other people. Remember this, if nothing else.    

2. Understand it’s also you.  

We’ve all heard about the person who received the “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup line, only to watch their ex meet someone else shortly after the breakup and give that person all the things they couldn’t or wouldn’t give to them. Again, this might have happened to you.  

The reason why this happened? When someone says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” it really is you because, for the right person, people move mountains. They make sacrifices. Again, they do everything not to lose the person they want.  

There are exceptions. But exceptions aren’t anything you can count on. Don’t live for exceptions.    

3. Tell them you understand. 

If you’re on the receiving end of an “It’s not you, it’s me” breakup speech, tell them you understand, even if you don’t. Even if you think they’re confused, that you can convince them otherwise, that what they’re saying is wrong.  

Because, even if, by chance, you can convince them to stay, it will probably be short-lived. Instead, do the following. 

4. Leave the conversation (and the relationship) with dignity. 

Don’t prolong the inevitable. Say your goodbyes politely, and then go somewhere else to lick your wounds, process the breakup, and give yourself the closure you crave.  

Stop yourself from begging. Don’t cry. But do leave with your head held high. You want someone who wants you. You deserve that. Then…    

5. Move the #@*% on.  

Take time to heal, but not too much time. You don’t want to wallow in sadness and stay stagnated. You want to move the #@*% on. It’s easy to say, but the operative part of this is actually doing it.  

 Go no contact. Oh, they’re already not communicating with you? Perfect. Now stop following them on social media, asking mutual friends and acquaintances about how they’re doing, and keeping tabs on them, even if you’re not connected, but their profiles are public. In this case, again, it’s you, meaning you have all the power.  

So I ask you: what are you going to do with all of this power to now better your life? And, with it, your chances of finding the love you deserve? If you aren’t sure, call me. I have a few more ideas…