3 Ways to Handle a First Date When There's No Chemistry

It’s not uncommon. You walk into a first date excited. You’ve done your homework. You’ve exchanged messages on the dating site where you met, traded texts, spoken on the phone a few times. You like their pictures. You have a lot in common. Then, as you approach, say your hellos, and begin to chat, your heart sinks. You’re not attracted to them. Or, your attraction wanes as the date goes on the more time you spend together. Your takeaway? There’s no chemistry. This isn’t your person.

So what’s a girl or guy to do? A few things, actually. And then there are the things you shouldn’t do. Why? Because that flat date of yours is still not dead in the water. Not because a spark may still ignite. In general, that’s not how attraction works, though there are exceptions when attraction can grow over time. But that’s a discussion for another day. The reason why this particular date still has value is that it can help lead you to the person with whom you do have chemistry, perhaps your future love.

So what should you do not only if you find yourself on a first date where there’s no chemistry but when (because it’s only a matter of time)? I have a few thoughts on the subject.

Be generous with your time and attention.

 Think about a first date as you would a job interview. Your goal during a job interview is to come off as calm as possible, no matter how nervous you are. When speaking with the person interviewing you, you would make sure to focus on what they’re saying, so when you answer them, you come off looking professional, composed, intelligent, and pleasant. In other words, someone they and the rest of their sphere – here, the people in the company – would want to know.

The same should be true when you go out on a first (or any number) date because it’s what common decency is all about, even if someone isn’t treating you as they should. At that point, all you have to do is politely excuse yourself and leave. Never stoop to anyone else’s level. But if all is well except for the fact you aren’t feeling chemistry, show them – and yourself – the respect you both deserve by behaving in a way that will make you proud and have no regrets later.

That means behaving in a courteous fashion. Being courteous on a date means showing that you value someone else’s time by showing up when you’re supposed to in a calm manner. It means speaking to another person in a pleasant tone, asking and answering questions, and listening to them.  

If you show up frazzled or appear disappointed or distracted on a first date, think about how you will make the other person feel or how you would feel if someone did that to you. Probably not great. So take the time to prepare for your date and flip your mindset a bit if you don’t feel chemistry for the person. Not only are you demonstrating self-respect by showing them respect, which they deserve because they’re a person, too, but the impression you leave could also help or hurt you in the future based on what the person you’ve met chooses to do with that information, which brings me to my second point. 

Be aware of what kind of first impression you’re leaving.

The first impression you make is often the last impression someone will have of you, especially with a date you don’t plan to see again. The first impression you make can also last for a long, long time. It’s the memory that a person will have of you for days, months, years, even a lifetime, once you part ways. And because of that, it’s the most important piece of information you can give about yourself.

What someone else does with that information – that first impression – may inevitably change your life. If the person you’re on a first date with, for example, doesn’t feel you’re right for them or accepts however disappointed they are that you aren’t feeling a spark, they may still want to pass your name along to a person they know who they think you will connect with. That may happen immediately, soon, or when you least expect it.

Or they could vouch for what a great person you are based on your time together should someone ask them. The alternative is much, much worse – knowing someone is out there who’s more than happy to tell anyone and everyone what a jerk you are based on the limited information they gleaned when with you. So make your first date experience count.

Be open to new connections.

Being open to new connections, whether on a first date, roaming the aisles of your neighborhood grocery store, or walking down the street, means having a positive mindset. It means realizing that every person you meet can bring some value to your life (and you theirs).

To fully embrace a positive mindset, first, allow yourself to enjoy the time you spend with your date, even if it’s not going to lead to where you once hoped or expected. You may just have a nice night, and that’s worth something. Next, there’s value in what you can potentially learn or gain from your experience together. That could come in the form of a restaurant tip, business advice, a movie suggestion, maybe even a blind date they set you up on down the road. The sky’s the limit.

No, I’m not suggesting you become an opportunist about dating, believing every experience will bring you something positive. Negative dating experiences offer something significant, too – lessons. There are no guarantees about what you will walk away with, but it will be something, I promise. I can also assure you that you won’t benefit from dating if you don’t date. And that with every date, you will get better at dating and envisioning all that it can bring to your life.

9 Questions Asked and Answered About How to Plan a Successful First Date

I have been in this business for more than three decades and still absolutely love what I do. My first job out of college was assisting a woman who made matches between local singles. At the time, there was no dating industry per se, only people doing this in their own area. How the industry has grown!

I love matching people who’ve lived in the Bay Area for years, are transplants, or are open to moving — anywhere! It’s never-ending excitement because every person and relationship is different.

Why do I continue to do what I do? In a word, passion. Not only do I have the experience after making matches and providing guidance for more than 30 years, but I also have a genuine admiration for the human spirit and how resilient it is.

That’s because I personally beat the odds in my 20s, surviving an illness that could have claimed my life. It caused me to prioritize what I wanted for myself, and always at the top of my list, no matter how many lists I made, was love. It still is. I want to give that gift to others.

So if you’re looking for love, and want to know more about how to find it, here are some of the most frequent questions I receive about how to plan a successful first date.

1. What’s the key to planning a great first date?

The key to planning a great first date is the planning itself. You should have already spoken to each other before your date on the phone, so if you’re the one planning your first outing, you should have a general idea about what the other person likes.

The most important point is to make a date easy. That means no hikes or venues that are out of the way or hard to find.

2. What makes a restaurant, bar, coffee shop, etc. a great location for a first date?

Atmosphere goes a long way when it comes to dating spots. I’m generally not a fan of coffee dates because people often take this to mean it’s OK to meet at a Starbucks, Peet’s, or some other chain that lacks warmth and is often crowded and loud.

If you’re going to go for coffee, choose a coffeehouse that has some personality to it, like Red Whale Coffee. Remember, this is a date and not your coffee break during the workday.

As far as a restaurant or bar goes, don’t choose a chain. Choose an intimate and casual but sophisticated restaurant/bar where you won’t run into a bunch of your friends.

I know you have your favorite hotspots. But stay away from them for a first date!

3. How can you overcome pre-first date jitters?

It’s very important to make a physical and mental change before a date. For starters, dress appropriately for the venue. Not too fancy, not too casual. It also means switching from your day mode to date mode, even if your date is during the day.

Women, you can do this very quickly by switching your lipstick shade, changing your shoes, and taking your hair out of a ponytail. Guys, remove your tie. Get out of your suit and into something more casual. If you’re short on time, just change your shirt.

So you feel more at ease, read over your date’s profile and any texts and emails you might have exchanged to remember small details about them. This will help relax you and your date, so you don’t feel so much like strangers to each other. 

4. What’s the most common thing people stress about while preparing for a first date? Any tips for overcoming it?

My clients often worry about what they’re going to talk about, that they won’t have anything interesting to say. But, again, if you do your homework before the date by brushing up on your information about them, you will feel more at ease. You can pick and choose, for example, from their list of hobbies or places they’ve traveled to spark a conversation.

People are also often concerned their date won’t find them attractive or they won’t find their date attractive. My advice is not to worry about attraction just yet. As far as you’re concerned, your only purpose on the first date is to get to know someone by having a conversation with them. In other words, keep an open mind and your expectations in check.

Another worry is running into someone you know during the date. If you’re that concerned, then don’t go to a spot where you’re likely to run into your friends or, worse, your ex. But after that, don’t worry. You can’t control who’s going to be where, so why waste your energy?

And to be honest, if someone happens to see you on a date, likely they wouldn’t think about it for too long because people are busy and involved in their own lives more than anything else. They don’t have time to worry about what you’re doing.

5. What should you bring to a first date? Or, alternatively, leave behind?

I think it’s unrealistic to tell people to leave their phones behind. However, I would recommend you silence it and certainly refrain from checking it while with your date.

If you must check your phone, excuse yourself and go to the restroom to look. Do bring a positive attitude to your date while leaving your hectic and stress-filled life behind.

6. What topics should you broach on a first date? Stay away from?

Look for common ground when choosing what to talk about. Do you both like to work out? Travel? Go to art museums? Those topics are all fair game. You can talk about your kids but in moderation. You’re on a date, not them.

As for talking about your ex, past relationships, politics, and sex? Don’t. Light and breezy should be the standard. But remember to be conversational and to listen. This isn’t a Q&A session.

7. What are some first-date don’ts?

Don’t cancel a date unless you absolutely have to. It’s hard to take the word of someone you hardly know, and the person you’re canceling on may internalize the reason. Not to mention, they may be disappointed.

Never cancel over text; it’s just rude. If you must cancel, text to see if you can give them a quick call. The person can then hear your voice and feel your sincerity about why you’re canceling. And if you’re genuinely interested in rescheduling, do so then.

Also, don’t speak negatively while on a first date, ever. Don’t talk badly about your ex, your job, or the world. You will only come off as angry and unpleasant.

8. If your date isn’t going well, how can you politely (and safely) extricate yourself?

First off, don’t schedule a long date for the first outing. Forty-five minutes to one hour should be the max. Doing so will make it easier to extricate yourself if you have to. Dinner or lunch is too long.

To end a date politely, finish your drink but don’t order food. Tell your date it was nice to meet them but that you have to go. Thank them for meeting you. Then go your separate ways.

9. If your date is going really well, how can you make it clear you want to see this person again without coming on too strong?

If you’re a woman and you enjoyed your date, but the guy didn’t say anything at the end about seeing you again, but you would like to see him, send a quick text the following day telling your date you had a nice time. Guys, do the same.

You will be able to gauge by the response if your relationship will be moving forward. I give this advice because too many times there are missed signals at the end of a date. 

Final thoughts...

It’s important to note that not everyone is looking for a spouse. Some people are looking for a long-term relationship, a companion, an activity partner, a romance, or some combination thereof. My role is to put people in front of you who you wouldn’t ordinarily think of as a possibility. My success also turns on my clients being open to a connection and ready to make one. As far as how many meaningful relationships have I sparked? Too many to count!

What remains consistent is that everyone — and I mean everyone — has a story. You have to love people to do what I do. You have to be able to read people, which I can.

Everyone has something to offer. I learn from every person I meet and tell my clients to look at dating the same way. I love making connections and seeing people happier than they ever were before. I love seeing people go from a state of fear to having faith that the process will work.

Most of all, I love getting the thank you calls from clients that my consulting changed their lives. Why not let me help you change yours?

'And Just Like That,' Sex and the City’s Reboot Shows Us What Love in Our 50s Is All About

Warning: Spoilers ahead.

Whether you rooted for Carrie and Big to get together or finally move on, it's hard to imagine a world without him in it. But their relationship, fictitious as it was, was one Carrie and many of us who drank Cosmopolitans at home with her, Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha in the '90s can relate to. And one we can, in our 50-something-year-old bodies, learn from, especially about what love in our fifties is all about. And that's this.

Forgiveness

I admit, when the montage began to roll at Big's funeral, I teared up. The fault I found with his treatment of Carrie before they finally tied the knot suddenly faded into distant memory. John Preston was larger than life, and his life was over regardless of how I felt about it. 

A mourner in the show brought me back to reality, commenting about whether Carrie remembered how badly he treated her. I'm sure she did. But based on their easy banter before Big's final Peloton ride, she had clearly forgiven him. The only explanation I have for understanding the power forgiveness has to bring peace to one's life is age and the wisdom that comes with it.

Growth

Was Carrie wrong to forgive Big so many times, given what he put her through? If I were her guiding her, I would have likely told her to move on, with one caveat: he must demonstrate he's capable of change. 

Big indeed showed growth over the years. Most women wouldn't have hung in there that long, and there's a strong case for arguing Carrie should have left him years earlier or not let him back into her life every time he returned. 

It appears Carrie made a good bet even with terrible odds. That's because people in their fifties are capable of growth and maturity with the right tools. Big grew bigger.

Maturity

It wasn't only Big who matured. Carrie did, too. They also matured as a couple. 

I loved how they continued their pandemic tradition of playing a different album every night while making dinner together. They set aside time to be with each other, to enjoy each other's company without distraction. 

In our fifties, we know what the alternative looks like.

Acceptance

What our fifties reveal is that we're all flawed people. Because of that, the quality of the relationships we find ourselves in turn on how we manage the parts of our personality that make us who we are. Not only do we realize we're flawed, we understand we have to find the right person who will accept those flaws and embrace them. 

When we love, we must also love wholly. That includes the parts of others we perceive as both good and bad. Our deal breakers are personal. With our fifties comes experience and the ability to know what and who works for us — and doesn't. 

Resilience

No one gets to their fifties without experiencing loss. It's not a question of if we've faced it but, instead, how well we've learned to face our lives after losing someone we care about.

The time leading up to our fifties has shown us that love lives forever, even if the people who we love and who love us aren't always with us. We're changed — and stronger — for having known them.

Though Big is gone, I'm changed for having known him and the relationship he shared with Carrie, good and bad. And with that, I will continue to watch to see how Carrie goes on without him. Because that's what having love in our lives can do — carry us through.

How to Pick the Perfect Dating Wingman or Wingwoman

If you’re single, you may have heard that it’s a good idea to have a wingman or wingwoman in your life, especially when you’re out at a bar, restaurant, or locale where there are other singles. Well, you heard correctly.  

However, not everyone is qualified to hold the title. Like any other job, the person applying for it or being recruited by you must be qualified first. Picking the wrong person could actually decrease your chances of making a connection.      

So who do you pick to be your wingman or wingwoman? Here are a few things to look for. 

1. They make a good first impression. 

First impressions are everything. Therefore, the person you are with should make a good one. Everything they say and do reflects directly on you. After all, you’re out with them, and the power of association is strong.  

For example, if the person you’re with acts crass or has a sloppy appearance, you risk anyone you meet who doesn’t know you personally seeing you in the same light. Even if they don’t, the very fact you’re friends with this person could be cause for concern, if not be the reason why they walk away. 

Think of your wingman or wingwoman as a potential barrier to entry. In a good way, they’re there to protect you from those who may not be good for you. However, if they’re not giving off the right vibe, they could keep you from meeting those who are good for you. 

2. They keep their wingman (wingwoman) role on the down-low. 

Being a good wingman or wingwoman means being discreet about their function. They’re not a bouncer, after all, or your P.R. agent.  

Their value rests in them making you feel more relaxed as well as making connections where you may feel too shy or too inhibited to do so yourself. This brings me to my next point.  

3. They’re social butterflies. 

You know you’ve found a suitable wingman or wingwoman when that person is comfortable striking up easy conversation with anyone and everyone. They know a little about a lot of things. They’re good conversationalists, which means they’re good listeners, too.  

They like to chat people up and bring multiple people into a conversation. They’re inclusive and don’t feel the need to monopolize an exchange, making them the center of it. Most of all, they’re happy to make introductions.  

4. They’re the perfect amount of persuasive. 

A good wingman or wingwoman has a high E.Q. They can read people and situations well. So if they’re trying to chat someone up, but that person appears uninterested, they know it’s time to move on. They know rejection is part of life and don’t sweat it.   

On the other hand, if they see a spark of interest, they run with it. But they do so without becoming too pushy or creepy. Instead, they ingratiate themselves in just the right amount. 

5. They’re involved romantically and happy with their situation.  

The best wingman or woman, and perhaps the most important characteristic they can have, is that they’re high on dating. They’re positive about romantic relationships, likely because they’ve seen the power of a healthy one firsthand. Even better if it’s in the present. 

Both points are critical. The first, because positive people send out positive energy. What could be more powerful than someone who believes in love? The second, because you don’t need competition by your side. That never makes for a fun, relaxing environment, which is the best kind to meet someone in. 

People involved in happy, healthy relationships themselves know that a strong relationship is the root of their happiness and want those they care about to experience the same. So it bodes well for them advocating harder on your behalf.  

Your wingman or wingwoman should also be a little selfish — but in a good way. They should know great couples friends are hard to find and want you and your future love for dinner plans and mixed doubles.   

Your Top 5 Holiday Questions Asked and Answered

It’s hard not to think of dating at holiday time without thinking of Bridget Jones in the iconic ’90s movie Bridget Jones’s Diary. Making the rounds at holiday parties single, the endless questions about her dating habits, and, of course, too many awkward moments to count. It all felt a bit much for her.

Remember the holiday dinner, everyone around the table a couple, where a prying dinner guest asked Bridget why there are so many unmarried women in their 30s these days? You could hear a pin drop as the entire table awaited a thoughtful answer, which never came. Because, after all, how do you answer a question like that without sounding (a) bitter, (b) insulting, or (c) just silly? Spoiler alert: There’s a way.

So continue accepting those invitations. As someone who’s single at holiday time, the last thing you should do is stay home. After all, you’re entitled to enjoy the holidays, too. Not to mention, the holidays can be a great time to meet people, either other singles or those who can introduce you to someone single.

Unfortunately, busybodies aren’t the only minefield to be wary of. There are exes lurking about, new relationships and hectic holiday schedules to be managed, and, not to be ignored, the age-old dilemma for the coupled about whose family to visit.

To help, I’ve answered the most common questions I get around the holidays about how to handle these sticky situations.       

1. What should I tell my friends and family about my dating life when they ask?

When family and friends give you the old, “So … how’s your love life going?” it’s really a personal decision about how much or little you want to say. But be prepared; there will be follow-up questions if you drop even the slightest hint of a new relationship brewing.

If you’re not looking to be in the hot seat around the holiday table, say something that will end the conversation politely, such as, “I promise to tell you as soon as I have something to tell.” If you prefer to be more open about your relationship status or lack of one, share away, realizing you may get questions later on about a special someone who’s no longer so special.    

2. My ex and I are both in town, but should we connect?

Ahhh, it’s so tempting. The lights, the mistletoe, the holiday cooking. But my answer is generally the same: leave exes where they belong — in the past. Even if you’re interested in seeing where things lead, tread carefully. Unless your ex has given you concrete evidence to think the reasons why your relationship ended no longer apply, you shouldn’t believe anything is different.

Connecting, in that case, will likely only lead you (and them) to pain that you both don’t need. It will also keep you from being in the positive mindset you need to meet someone new.

3. How do I introduce my new relationship during the holidays?

My advice is that unless you plan on being with this person for the foreseeable future, and they’ve indicated the same to you, I would refrain from bringing them home to meet your Mom, Dad, and dear Aunt Sally or meeting theirs. Creating familial connections too soon can create a false sense of intimacy.

It can also make it that much more difficult to go your separate ways, especially if you really like each other’s family and they’ve welcomed you both into their arms. In truth, family’s opinion or treatment of you has little to do with how the person you’re dating makes you feel and the depth of your relationship.  

4. How can I keep the person I just started dating interested while traveling solo over the holidays?

First off, don’t cancel your plans just because you’re seeing someone new. It’s very important to continue living your life and being independent. That said, now that you have a special someone, it’s also important to keep the connection going while you’re apart.

You can stay in touch easily by talking on the phone, texting, and FaceTiming regularly. Also, it’s nice to project and discuss any plans you may have or want to make when you see each other in person again. 

5. How can my partner and I decide whose family to visit for the holidays?

Deciding whose family to spend the holidays with can cause tension in a relationship, especially if you have to choose one or the other. If possible, and if distance and schedules allow, split the day. Dinner in one place, dessert in another. Or have two celebrations but on different days.

The point is to listen to your partner and be as fair with them as you expect them to be with you. After all, this is the person you’re supposed to care about, maybe even love, whose presence makes holidays — and your life — that much more joyful.

Holiday Gift-Giving When You’re Dating Someone New: How Not to Make it Weird

Is this even a possibility? Not making gift-giving at holiday time weird when you’re dating someone new or new-ish? No, not at all. If you choose your gifts right, that is. And get rid of some of the expectations you may have around gift-giving. 

It’s understandable how holiday gift-giving can become a nail-biting event. No one wants to be standing there with a gift that’s not in line price-wise with the one they’re receiving. The same goes for giving a gift that, although inexpensive, imputes depth to a relationship that may not be there just yet, at least for the person you’re giving it to.  

That’s why I’ve come up with a few tips to avoid feeling like you’re stuck in that wacky dream where you show up to work or class naked. After all, holiday gift-giving should be something you look forward to rather than fear. 

Get on the same page about gifts before the holidays arrive. 

A lot of the angst you may feel around holiday time surrounds whether or not you and the person you’re dating are on the same page. That’s is why I suggest having a conversation about exchanging gifts before the holidays, so you’re both on the same page about your expectations. 

Now, if it’s September and you’ve just started dating, it’s not time to project about what you’re giving each other. However, if your relationship appears to be going well and is on track to continue through the holiday season, feel free to bring up the subject casually around Thanksgiving.  

That could mean anything from suggesting to stick to a specific budget or price range to making a suggestion about the type of gifts you will be exchanging that you and, hopefully, they will be comfortable with. The point is you set up a plan.    

It may not sound romantic at first, but depending on how you position the conversation, you could make it so. First off, you can plan an activity to celebrate the holidays, such as attending a show or concert. Maybe one of you pays for the tickets, the other dinner.  

Or perhaps you propose the idea of setting aside a time to bake or cook your favorite holiday dishes together, watch a movie, and exchange something small? Or if you’re both on board, what about creating your holiday gifts? 

Buy two gifts at two different price points. 

So, you like surprises and aren’t comfortable having a discussion about holiday gift-giving in advance. But you absolutely have no idea what to spend. 

In this case, my suggestion is to buy two gifts, one at a lower price point and one at a little more significant price point but still commensurate with the length and depth of your relationship. For the former, I would suggest gifts such as scarves, slippers, pajamas, and books (this can include journals to write in). For the latter, I would recommend some type of electronic item, perfume or cologne, or a more luxurious clothing accessory. 

But here’s the catch: start out with the small gift. Then, based on what the person you’re dating gives you, decide whether or not you want to add the second part of your gift.  

The second gift should be nearby, in a drawer or a closet, for example. If you’re not home, leave it in the trunk of your car out of sight. You can always excuse yourself to get it. This way, you can keep your gifts around the same price point without making yourself or the person you’re dating uncomfortable. 

Decide beforehand there will be no weirdness about gifts. 

This is the option where you decide you’re going to let the situation unfold as it will. You tell yourself in advance that even if you give a much more expensive gift than the one you receive, you’re giving the gift you want because it expresses how you feel.  

The same goes for giving a less expensive gift because that’s what you can afford even though you wish you could give more, and the person you’re dating does give more. So be it. 

You’re confident in your own skin (and with the gift you choose to give) to not care about any imbalances in this particular instance. You see your relationship for what it is and know money doesn’t reflect the thought or time that can go into a gift. You also understand that a holiday gift is but one of the many ways people express how much they care about each other.  

Most importantly, you realize that making things weird over something as insignificant as a holiday gift early on in your relationship could mean the demise of your relationship. And that’s something you’re not willing to risk because having a quality partner in your life is in itself the best gift of all.    

7 Questions to Ask Yourself When Deciding Whether to Date Your Friend’s Ex

Maybe you never noticed them before. Or maybe you did, and now they’re available. The only problem is the reason they weren’t available before is that they were dating your friend.  

You care; you really do. But you can’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, this is meant to be. That the timing is right. That you shouldn’t have to pass them by just because it didn’t work out between your friend and them.  

Or should you?  

Deciding whether to date your friend’s ex is never an easy decision to make. But, pretty much regardless of what you choose to do, someone’s not going to get what they want, or worse still, someone’s going to get hurt. So what’s a single guy or girl to do? 

Ask yourself the following questions, of course. So you can make a decision — an informed one.   

1. What was the reason for the breakup?  

Do you know why your friend’s relationship ended? The reason could make a difference. For instance, if your friend was betrayed, if their ex cheated on them, you dating the ex could be seen by your friend as an extension of that same betrayal.  

Not to mention, if this person has a history of cheating on the people they date, even if it’s seemingly harmless activity such as micro-cheating, do you really want to be the one having to figure out if there’s anything to these minor indiscretions? Living on the edge in a relationship is no fun and will likely only lead you to the same fate as your friend, which brings me to my next point.  

2. Is there a chance your relationship could end the same way? 

If you think there’s a distinct possibility based on past behavior, current behavior, and whatever other red flags you can spot, tread lightly. The apple of your eye may, in fact, be rotten. Or, at a minimum, not ready to be picked. In which case, perhaps you should consider finding a different one.  

For example, if your friend’s relationship ended because of cheating, you may want to think twice. Though the adage once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t necessarily true, you should take a step back and look at the situation for what it is. And whether you want to take the risk history won’t repeat itself.  

The same holds for any other reasons why the relationship ended, including whether they treated your friend poorly, didn’t want to pay on dates, or displayed evidence of being a narcissist or someone with borderline personality disorder.  

3. How long ago was the breakup? 

You know how people say it’s all about timing in matters of the heart? Well, how long ago a person went through a breakup does matter. Not just because the person you have your heart set on might not be over the person they were dating. But because if you know the person they were dating, are friends with them, they could see you not only you dating their ex as a betrayal to them as I stated earlier, but, depending on how recent the breakup was, as a catalyst in their relationship’s demise. Neither of these situations bode well for you.  

With the first, you could be a rebound for them, which may mean your relationship will never go the distance and become a source of heartache for you because the other person’s heart and head will be somewhere else. As for the latter reason, do you want your friend to think you had anything to do with their breakup? Which brings me to my next question: Did you?  

Better to own your truth now than try and defend your actions later, after the damage has been done. To your friend and in the court of public opinion.    

4. Is your friend over their ex? 

Now, if you know for sure your friend is over the ex, then most of the previous situations don’t apply to you or matter. But how do you know your friend is over their ex? Don’t rely on time alone here. As we know, it can take a long time to get over a past relationship. The best way to find out is to ask your friend if they’re over their ex and if they would care if you dated them. 

While you don’t want to ask your friend for their permission, you should be prepared that your friend might take offense that you’re even asking and, even more so, at the thought of you dating someone they were once involved with. You need to be prepared for that possibility and what you will say to your friend. Much of that will come down to how you answer this next question.   

5. What is your motivation for dating your friend’s ex? 

This is the part where you have to get real with yourself. Why are you thinking about dating this person? Are you genuinely interested in them? Or is there another reason you want to date this person now, like are you trying to, for whatever reason, incite your friend?  

Depending on your feelings, you need to clarify with yourself whether you would be willing to give them up for the sake of preserving your friendship because, depending on what your friend says, you may have to. If what your friend says matters to you, that is. 

6. Is it important to you to have your friend’s blessing? 

Don’t just ask yourself how good a friend your friend is to you, but also how good a friend you are and want to be to them. Compare this question to the times when you ask someone in need, “Can I help?”  

Many times when people ask this question to others, they aren’t expecting the person to take them up on their offer. If it’s important to have your friend’s blessing, prepare yourself that they may actually ask you to step away from dating their ex. In other words, if you’re asking for your friend’s blessing, understand there’s a chance they may not give it to you.  

7. Is it worth losing a friend over if you don’t? 

If you don’t get the blessing you’re looking for, this is the time you must decide what you stand to gain and what you stand to lose, and which is worth more to you. There’s no guarantee either way. The only thing you can count on is that the decision won’t be easy. 

Is it True Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

“He’s perfect.”  

“She’s amazing.”  

You know, the person you just started dating. You’re asking the questions, and you like the answers you’re getting. Until you ask them that fateful question: “Did you cheat on your spouse?” 

You value honesty, so you appreciate that they’re truthful. But your heart sinks because you don’t like the answer: “Yes.” 

But is yes an automatic dealbreaker, especially if you’ve been cheated on before? You always thought it would be, but now that you’re faced with more than a hypothetical, you’re wondering if the adage is actually true, that once a cheater, always a cheater. Like most else when it comes to dating, my answer is that it doesn’t have to be. 

Dating dealbreakers are sometimes rules that can be broken, including a history of cheating. 

I’ve been in the business a long time. More than 30 years, in fact. And what I’ve learned is that to avail yourself of all opportunities, of all dating prospects, you sometimes need to live in the gray. In other words, you’re going to have to evaluate every situation for what it is. Which means not only will you want to listen to their story about why they cheated, but you’re going to have to read between the lines when you do. Then decide if your dealbreaker is a rule you’re willing to break.  

But before I get started about what you need to listen for, I want to be clear that I’m not advocating you settle. If after a discussion about why the person you’re dating cheated on their spouse, you don’t like what you hear, by all means, move on — as fast as you can. My advice is simple: give the person a chance to explain their past behavior, and why you should give them a chance. 

What you should listen for when deciding whether to date someone who has cheated on a former spouse. 

As we all know well, life is complicated. With that in mind, if a dating prospect explains they were cheating due to a specific circumstance you find is not only believable but also understandable, it’s OK to give them a chance. An explanation that resonates with one person might be completely offensive to another. Everyone has their own barometer about what’s acceptable to them and what isn’t. Figure out what yours is.  

The best explanation for cheating has little to do with the reason and a lot about regret.  

Some cheaters will have no explanation whatsoever other than to say they made a mistake. That they regret what they did and feel remorse for their behavior. These are often the best kind of people to date, despite their past cheating.  

That’s because they’ve processed the situation. They understand what they lost as a result of their actions, how they hurt people they love and loved, and how they hurt themselves. These are the people that would never want to cheat again. For them, they know there would be too much at stake. This is someone who, if you’re up to it, could be worthy of a chance.   

Final Thoughts... 

Cheating is one of the worst ways to hurt a partner. It’s a betrayal, and it can be life-changing for all of those involved — the cheater, the spouse, their children, extended family, and friends.. If you’re in a relationship, I don’t recommend engaging in this behavior, whatever the circumstance. Instead, I always suggest exiting the relationship in a transparent way.  

That said, no one can change the past. And I do believe people are capable of growth and chnage. That people are capable of remorse. And that human beings are capable of having compassion for someone they never thought they would once they know the full story. Therefore, the question you have to ask yourself when confronted with someone who once cheated is: “Am I at least willing to listen?”     

Why ‘Don’t Get Your Hopes Up’ Was the Best Dating Advice I’m Glad I Didn’t Take

“Why are you bothering?” Sue said.  

“You have us,” Tracy chimed in. “You have a beautiful house. Financial security. Why do you need another man in your life who’ll only end up disappointing you?” 

I sipped my chardonnay, then took another bite of my salad. Sue and Tracy had been around the block and back, dating after their divorces. Now in their late fifties, they were enjoying their singleness and couldn’t understand why I was still struggling. They thought I should be done with the whole lot of them, men that is, and live my life. 

My relationship with Steve ended before the summer started. It had already run its course long before it expired, but I hung on anyway until I no longer could. Until I realized I couldn’t change someone who wanted to stay the same, a man who didn’t want to acknowledge his addiction and how it was holding him back. 

My friends were right. I had all the things they said I did. I had a great life. But the thing about having a great life is that I wanted to share it with someone. The right someone. At 58, and after two marriages and a long-term relationship, I still hadn’t found him. 

Unlike my friends, in the back of my mind, I still believed he was out there. The problem was my energy for looking for him was low. Disappointing as it was to me, I felt I was starting to lose hope.  

I’ve never been a hopeless person. My faith in God always gave me the confidence I needed to believe, even in the worst of times, that my life would always get better. That opportunity — whether a new job, a new guy, or a new attitude — would be just around the corner. I had the trust I needed in God to provide for me. My hope, although somewhat deflated, floated me forward, lifting me above fear and uncertainty and into the realm of possibility.   

So, despite what my friends advised me, which was from their hearts and well-intended, I started to date again, this time with the guidance of a dating consultant and strategist. My friends’ choice, though right for them, was not for me. “Don’t get your hopes up,” Sue cautioned me.  

My first date was with a really nice guy. He was kind, smart, and interesting. He showed an interest in me, flying down from his home in northern California to meet me. We went out two times, but after the second, I realized I wasn’t attracted to him.  

I was disappointed and surprised when a slight episode of grief set in. Not so much because it wasn’t going to work out between us but because the experience took me one step further away from the long-term relationship I was hoping would work out but didn’t. It was really over. 

When I was done crying, something miraculous happened — I felt better. Energized, in fact. Despite the relationship not moving forward, I was going to. My next dating experience was with a guy I was really attracted to, a guy I found interesting, and one I wanted to get to know better. Our first date was fun, our second even better. My energy level rose yet again. 

But it wasn’t because anything in my life had changed. I was still single. I still went to bed at night alone. I still got invited to events solo, which is what happened when I arrived in Grand Teton National Park in Wyoming for my summer vacation, a place I travel to periodically, and where I went shortly after meeting that cute, new dating prospect of mine. 

Friends had invited me to attend a musical festival in the area. Feeling confident given my recent dating experiences, one which ended cordially, the other in its early stages, I invited a man I knew from the community who had lost his wife a year back. I thought he would enjoy the party, so I gave him a call and asked if he would be interested in joining me. He said yes. 

I went without any expectations but found I really enjoyed his company. I think he liked being with me just as much because we spent three days at the music festival together. We’ve been talking and texting ever since, even though I’m now back home. My energy level reached a new height, and I felt joyful. 

 Again, nothing in my life had changed. I remained single, I slept in the middle of my bed by myself, and I went out socially, uncoupled. Yet I felt better than I had in a long time. I had two men in my life who I liked and respected and was open to seeing where I was headed with either one. I was confident that whatever happened, even if nothing, that I was better for having met them. 

So when I went out on a date with a third guy following my trip, another super nice guy, I wasn’t afraid to tell him I didn’t think a relationship was in the cards for us. Although I liked him, I didn’t believe we had enough in common to grow into a couple, and wasn’t afraid to tell him how I felt. I hoped he would understand, which he did.  

And that’s when I realized why I had started to feel better, to have more energy, despite nothing in my life having had changed. It was the existence of hope. Hope that I would feel better following my breakup. Hope that I could find the courage to always speak my mind. Hope that I would one day meet a true partner. And most importantly, hope that no matter how much resistance I faced in my romantic life, or in any part of my life for that matter, that I could find the strength in myself, powered by God, to move forward.       

The 1998 movie starring Sandra Bullock as a divorcée suggests “Hope Floats.” Indeed, hope is an emotion that has a physical manifestation. It floats us up into the ranges of limitless possibility, energizing and lifting our spirit into the realms of serenity and joy. It’s a great place to be.  

This article originally appeared on Yahlight Blog on September 28, 2021. 

Friends or Lovers? New Study Says Maybe Both

Relationship studies usually focus on romance’s traditional trajectory: two strangers meet, go on a series of dates, and, over time, fall in love. However, in a new study released in July, researchers focused on another, often overlooked, relationship path: friends to lovers.

The study defines the friends-to-lovers pathway as when two friends start out strictly platonic, but then a switch flips. A romance blossoms, and, lo and behold, they become a couple.

The study, a meta-analysis of seven studies, evaluated the relationship pathways of 1,897 college students and older adults. The results indicated that two-thirds of the participants reported their relationship started from the point of friendship. Not only that, the friends-first pathway was found to be the preferred method of forming romantic relationships among college students.

Apparently, ignoring the friends-to-lovers pathway has been a significant oversight. But does that mean you should only focus on your Facebook friend list and phone contacts to find love? No, of course not.

Other routes to love — an introduction, online dating, living your life to its fullest — still work, especially when friendship is a component. Thinking about romantic relationships in terms of how you work as friends could be the relationship boost you need. Here are a few issues to think about when considering your relationship objectives, whatever they might be.

Is online dating effective for finding a romance based on friendship?

You betcha. Naturally, a study like this one could raise questions about whether online dating platforms, which pair matches who’ve never met before, would also be a viable way to build a romance based on friendship. The reason online dating can set the stage for a friendship-based romance rests in the power you have to pace your relationship once you and a match hit it off. In other words, you can become friends with your matches by getting to know them better gradually.

It’s a simple principle really, but, too often, people miss this stage as they try to advance a relationship forward too quickly. They want a boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, husband, or wife, which are good goals to have, but they want it too fast. They want a relationship with these titles without laying the groundwork first, the foundation necessary to sustain it.

Consider the following timeline instead. Go on a first date with an open mind. Get to know your match, and, if you like them, become friends. Second date: similar deal. Keep getting to know your match. Do activities together. Learn more about each other’s common interests, backgrounds, values, and long-term relationship goals. In other words, learn who they are as a person. 

Remember, in any lasting relationship, your partner is also supposed to be your best friend. Therefore, you cannot expect a relationship to stand the test of time and whatever else life throws at it without being friends. This principle holds for people you meet anywhere, not only online.

What about the dreaded friend zone?

Not to worry. You don’t need to stay “just friends” with a match for months or years before moving into a romance. Building a foundation of friendship need not take too long: once your friendship is established and you begin to develop a sense of emotional intimacy, a romance can soon follow.

If, on the other hand, signs of a romance seem to be taking a long time, well, you might very well have entered the friend zone. In that case, I would tell you to look for someone else to fill the role of a loving partner in your life. That doesn’t mean you can’t keep your new friend around. You can. But with one caveat: you lose the expectation of your friendship becoming more. 

What about friends with benefits?

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, a friend with benefits is the description used for two friends who engage in sexual activity together in a non-exclusive manner without (theoretically) having romantic feelings for one another. I say theoretically because engaging in a sexual relationship while remaining detached emotionally, especially for women, is extremely difficult.

Someone usually winds up developing feelings — and expectations — the other person is unable or unwilling to meet. I don’t recommend it, especially if your true intention is to find a long-term relationship or marriage.

The study results support my point. At first glance, it could provide false hope to someone in a friends-with-benefits situation who’s looking for more. But, on closer examination, the study does explain that a friends with benefits relationship rarely transitions into a traditional romantic relationship.

As the research suggests, the friends-to-lovers pathway is forged through deep emotional intimacy.  Platonic friends realize their attraction to each other and mutually agree to enter a committed relationship. Such a connection doesn’t often develop in a friend with benefits type situation due to the rules the parties usually establish at the outset of this type of engagement and the understanding they have. Catching feelings is a no-no.

Final thoughts...

Part of what helps us choose our friends is that they fit into our lives, their interests are similar to ours, and we like them. Hopefully, these are the same criteria you would use to describe a romantic partner.

It should go without saying that first becoming friends with a romantic interest won’t guarantee you’ll enter a relationship together, or if you do that, it will turn into the relationship you envision. However, thinking about a person you’re interested in as a friend can help ensure you’re thinking with your head and not just your heart — something any good friend would advise you to do.

Are You Too Picky a Dater?

"I'm picky." It's not uncommon to hear someone describe themselves this way, especially when it comes to finding love. People usually use the p-word to explain the reason why they're single — by choice.

If you haven't called yourself the p-word, you can probably think of someone you have. Or someone you would want to, whether a friend or an individual you've dated.

Pickiness can be frustrating, both for you if you're the person engaging in the behavior and the person on the receiving end of it. For example, the person you've dismissed because of seemingly minor infractions — they're too short, own a cat, or have bad dating profile pictures.

But, you rationalize, you're waiting for the right one. The one who would never wear blue nail polish, who lives less than three miles away, and who likes lobster ice cream as much as you do. Is that so wrong? Well, that depends.

Being somewhat picky when dating is healthy.

Pickiness, to a degree, is healthy dating behavior. Everyone deserves to be happy and treated well. Unfortunately, the alternative, not being picky at all, often translates to having low standards and can result in settling for someone who doesn't share the same relationship expectations, long-term goals, or values as you.

Though it's healthy to have certain expectations about your ideal match, making those preferences too specific won't help you find romance. According to a study published in The Journal of Experimental Psychology, even when the study's participants listed attributes beforehand they believed would characterize their ideal partner should they meet them, once face-to-face, their choices weren't what translated into romantic desire, the kind that sparks a relationship.  

One reason for the low predictive value of naming desirable attributes, said the researchers, is that humans are complex. When considered together, all of the traits that make up a person can be difficult to distinguish. In other words, you like a person for their many characteristics and how they're combined and balanced in that person. You like and are attracted to them for their uniqueness.

So, based on the study, when looking for a match, it's probably a good idea to keep more of an open mind about the people you meet. Otherwise, you risk missing out on a match that might look different in real life than they do on paper.

That's not to say it's wrong to have a few deal-breakers, those qualities so detestable to you that you couldn't envision yourself being with this person. The issue is when those deal breakers become too specific, too insignificant, and too many to count. 

If that's not enough to dissuade you from being so picky, the next step is to figure out why you are. The reasons can really boil down to two: the first is you've genuinely had a bad streak and met dud after dud, causing you to become discouraged.

Or the second and more likely reason: you're emotionally unavailable. Meaning, you think everyone you meet is a dud because, though you say you want a relationship, deep down, you don't.

Are you emotionally unavailable?

Emotional unavailability is a tricky concept for many daters to grasp. It manifests in various ways and stems from several factors in a person's life, both internal and external. For example, emotional unavailability can result from attachment issues, trauma or grief, or a temporary situation, such as a job loss, that prevents a person from focusing on a romantic relationship.

So how do you know if you're emotionally unavailable? Ultimately, answering this question honestly will come down to how well you can engage in deep introspection and whether it will lead you to any sense of self-awareness. Unfortunately, coming to a conclusion you're emotionally unavailable could take a long time to uncover.

To help facilitate the process, there are other questions to ask yourself first.

●       Have you ever been in a serious relationship?

●       Did you just get out of a relationship?

●       Are you at all willing to have serious conversations, particularly surrounding your emotions?

●       How busy are you in the rest of your life, as in work, family responsibilities, or school?

●       How much work are you willing or able to put into a relationship?

If you've never been in a relationship with any depth or just got out of a relationship that's left you reeling, are unwilling to have serious conversations about emotions, are extremely busy in other aspects of your life, and are unable or unwilling to put in the work required to begin and sustain a healthy, loving relationship, you might be emotionally unavailable

So you think you're emotionally unavailable. Now what?

Emotional unavailability doesn't mean you're doomed to be single forever. But to overcome emotional unavailability, you'll need to be proactive. If you suspect there's a deeper reason underlying why you're so picky all the time, here's what you can do:

●       Look at your life and what could be causing your emotional unavailability (i.e., a recent breakup, divorce, illness, finances)

●       See how you can make changes in your lifestyle (i.e., work less, set aside time to date)

●       Talk to a therapist or other mental health professional

●       Spend time with people in happy relationships or happily dating to model their behavior

●       Open up to others about issues that may be bothering you

●       Take new relationships slowly

●       Find a dating "wingman" or "wingwoman" or professional dating strategist to bounce ideas off of and help guide you in your dating efforts

●       Remain positive; dating is about numbers and exposing yourself to as many people as possible

Once you take these steps, you'll probably have a new outlook on dating. And on your life in general. Both outcomes can help you become less picky and more receptive to finding that special someone you can't wait to spend time with and want to learn about more. Remember, the possibilities are there once you make yourself emotionally available to them.

‘Am I the cynic here?’ Well, since you asked…

You might very well be. The cynic, that is. Hey, we all have it in us. Some more than others. None of us, in fact, are immune to being cynical at one time or another. The important thing is we realize, sooner than later, that we’re behaving this way, then check ourselves and ask why.

Once you stop for a moment to think, you’ll likely find there’s a good reason for your cynical behavior and that it has little to do with what you’re being cynical about. Instead, being a cynic is usually more about the bigger picture, which is your attitude. In other words, if you’re being overly cynical, your attitude is probably bad.

Having a bad attitude when you’re dating will pretty much ensure that you’ll never find someone you don’t find fault with, let alone like. So I ask you: How’s your attitude?

Not sure? Let me help. Do you find dating a chore, from having to look through endless dating profiles to getting dressed to meet someone new? Are you often lamenting that there’s no one out there worth meeting and everyone you meet is cheap, boring, self-centered, or, you guessed it, a cynic?

If this sounds like you, your attitude can probably use some work. That’s not to say people aren’t worthy of being passed by or aren’t cheap, boring, self-centered, or cynics. There are those who most definitely are. But if you go into dating thinking negatively, those are precisely the people you’ll attract.

That’s because negative people attract other negative people. And even if these people aren’t overtly cynics (sometimes it takes a little while to come out), your negativity can certainly contribute to bringing out the worst in others, creating a self-fulling prophecy — everyone you date will actually be a cynic.

The sad fact is is that when you have a bad attitude, chances are you’re the one who’s behaving like a cynic. Cynics tend not to be very happy people. They also tend to wind up alone. And when they do find a relationship, those relationships tend to be unfulfilling.

To date successfully requires going in with a positive attitude. By positive attitude, I mean the following:

 ●        Living in the moment,

●        looking for the best in others,

●        keeping an open mind,

●        behaving respectfully, and

●     seeing every dating experience as an opportunity to learn, whether new information, about someone new but, most importantly, about yourself.

Not every dating encounter will lead to the relationship you want. But to date well, you do need to exercise your dating muscles — your ability to be conversational, engaging, courteous, and, yes, positive, even when the encounter doesn’t go as you hoped, planned, or well. It takes practice.

Monday, September 13, is Positive Thinking Day. In honor of the day, I’d like to urge you to take a few moments to reflect on what you’re bringing to the proverbial table when you go out on a date. Or, if you’re not even getting that far, to the table, that is, what you’re bringing to your online dating profiles, texts, emails, and phone conversations.

As the saying goes, you can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. The same goes for eligible single men and women. You know, the ones looking for someone who’s nice, kind, smart, and funny. Like you. The real you.

Is the Person I’m Dating Over Their Last Relationship?

When you're starting to date someone new, the topic of past relationships and exes will inevitably come up. No harm, no foul. Usually. Past relationships are part of who we are, especially when dating after divorce, as many singles over 50 are. But, and it's a big but, if the person you're dating reveals that they've recently gotten out of a relationship (or marriage), well, this may give you pause. And with good reason. At this point, you should be asking yourself the following question: Are they over their ex?

While you can ask them straight out, and the person you're asking can give you an emphatic yes, it doesn't mean they're actually over their ex. It doesn't necessarily mean they're a liar either; they just might not realize they haven't moved on yet.

So, instead of what they say, their behavior toward you and your budding relationship might be a more accurate barometer of how they feel. With this in mind, here are a few red flags to look out for when deciding whether you want to get involved with someone who may be coming to you with emotional baggage regarding an old flame.

They went through their breakup recently.

Upon the first mention of exes, it's common to ask when exactly the person you're dating broke up with theirs. If they got out of a long relationship within the past month or so, likely, they haven't had enough time to process the breakup.

A breakup or divorce involves a loss — a loss of a friend, lover, and partner. Because of that, many people go through the five stages of grief on their road to recovery. Grieving takes time, and people grieve at their own pace. Grieving is also an internal process during which the person suffering needs to first attend to themselves and their own needs. That will leave little time and mental space for you. 

The relationship moves too fast at first.

Grieving is painful and can feel unpleasant. To fast-track the grieving process, some people start dating before being ready, believing, usually erroneously, it will help them get over their ex quicker. These are the people who are prime candidates for getting into a rebound relationship. Rebound relationships rarely work out, especially for the person the brokenhearted rebounds with.

One of the most challenging parts of coming to terms with a breakup is losing the emotional depth a long-term relationship brings. The transition from having the opportunity to share your deepest feelings with someone who knows you better than anyone else to going back to asking someone where they're from and what their hobbies are can be jarring, if not frustrating.

A person who recently went through a breakup may want to simply cut to the chase and recapture that intimacy with someone new. They often do this by acting overly intimate and affectionate too soon. But here's the catch: there are no shortcuts when forming a relationship, and the rebounder will eventually realize you're not their ex and that it takes time to build the emotional depth they're seeking.

The relationship slows down as quickly as it started.

As the person you're dating realizes they cannot immediately recreate a long-term relationship and that you're not the same person as their ex, they typically pull away. Where, during the beginning, they showered you with love and praise, they're now putting up walls and creating distance.

Them doing an about-face can give you emotional whiplash and cause you to crave their attention even more. The push-pull can give rise to feelings of insecurity, never a sign of a healthy relationship.

Their ex is regularly a topic of conversation.

It's one thing for the person you're dating to mention their ex occasionally. For instance, if they're relevant to a story or something you were talking about or children are involved, it would make sense to hear the ex's name. But, if you find they bring their ex up all the time, or worse, they compare you to them, you should consider the possibility there's residual feeling there.

That goes for hatred, too. Hearing a love interest refer to their ex over and over again with contempt should alarm you as much as if they were continually reminiscing about the good old days. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference.

They take no responsibility for the breakup.

When asking what caused the breakup, what's the answer? If the person you're dating says they both played a part, they've probably spent some time thinking about what went wrong and what their contribution was. This is a good sign they're ready to move on. On the other hand, if they blame the breakup solely on their ex, then most likely they're not.

Breakups, including those blamed on infidelity, for example, involve other factors besides the act of cheating itself. Once couples dig a little deeper, there are often specific reasons why one person in the marriage strayed. Sometimes both partners stray. Regardless, each person played a role in creating the atmosphere in the marriage.

The same holds for the myriad of other reasons why couples part, such as money, incompatibility, and the existence of a sexless marriage. If one person can't see how they contributed to the breakup, they're probably not mentally free of it.

What's your gut feeling?

Ultimately, you should trust your gut when deciding whether the person you're dating is over their last relationship. If you believe they're living in the past, they probably are. Which means it's time for you to move on, regardless if they do.

What Should I Do if My Partner Body Shames Me?

Covid-19 has been a lifestyle-changer in many ways, causing people to gain what's colloquially now known as the Covid 19, a take on the Freshman 15 experienced by many entering college students. In a recent survey of 3,000 people conducted by the American Psychological Association, 61 percent of respondents said they had gained weight as a result of the pandemic.  

It's not surprising. To keep ourselves and our families safe, we retreated to our homes for work and school. Social events became limited to the household and, later, small groups. We cooked more and also ate more. We went for lots of walks. However, it wasn't always enough, and many couples soon found themselves facing a partner who looked different from just a year or so earlier.  

For some couples, weight gain has become a source of tension. When combined with the "relationship weight" couples often gain during their first few years together, these weight-conscious individuals are finding they're no longer as attracted to their partner the way they were, a difficult realization to have about the person you love and may believe is your forever. 

On another note, couples who, pre-pandemic, enjoyed a shared interest in certain physical activities, such as hiking or running, are now coming to terms with a partner who, because of weight gain, is unable to keep up. This, too, is creating distance in relationships where none existed before. 

Weight is a delicate topic to raise, particularly with the person you love. It's both difficult to say something about someone else's weight, as well as to be the one hearing it. So, the first question you have to ask yourself when your partner brings up your weight is: How are they approaching the topic? 

Conversations about weight should bolster self-esteem, not destroy it. 

No matter your size, your partner should bolster your self-esteem and make you feel beautiful. If they're disparaging your appearance and belittling you, it likely follows that other aspects of your relationship are fundamentally flawed.  

If your partner is criticizing the way you look, their insults are usually not just tied to your weight. Their criticisms could be linked to anything from their lack of self-esteem (including their own weight gain), a porn addiction causing them to have unrealistic expectations about the way people who aren't porn stars look, and good old-fashioned shallowness.  

Regardless of the reason, your partner shouldn't put you down. If the manner in which your partner brings up your weight makes you feel insecure or bad, communicate this to them. Remind them that insults aren't often an effective technique for inciting positive change. Neither is nagging. It usually has the opposite effect, and if they continue, it will likely result in you becoming less attracted to them.  

A partner who loves you for you should never want to make you feel bad. So pay attention to your partner's responses during your conversation. 

Consider the truth in your partner's words. 

If your partner is mentioning your weight out of concern, meaning you interpret from their remarks that they care in earnest about your health and not how they look with you on their arm and that they want you to feel your best for your sake, then consider the truth in their words. Keep in mind it's difficult to stand idly by as someone you care about neglects their health. 

That said, I understand how hearing from someone else that you've gained weight, especially if it's the person who's supposed to love you unconditionally, can hurt. However, sometimes it takes another person to give us the wake-up call we need.    

What should you tell your partner if you're happy with your weight and are not interested in dieting? 

Of course, the motivation to lose weight has to come from you. Losing weight because someone else wants you to will probably not work, at least in the long term. Not to mention, over time, it may cause you to resent the person suggesting you diet.  

So, if you're not looking to lose weight and are satisfied with your body at its current size, communicate that to your partner. One point I must make, though, is that if you don't lose weight and your partner has voiced their concerns because they're no longer attracted to you due to the weight you've gained, your relationship could be in jeopardy.  

The question to ask yourself next is whether you care. You always have the option to find someone who will love you the way you are. They, too, have the option to find someone that they're attracted to. Love is a two-way street. Therefore, at this point, you need to make a decision.   

Lean on your partner for support in your weight loss and lifestyle journey.  

If you do have the will to lose weight, implement specific lifestyle changes to improve your overall health rather than couching your intended transformation as about weight loss alone. After all, there are many different ways to lose weight, not all of them healthy.  

In addition, consider asking your partner to join you on your lifestyle journey. That way, you can lean on them for support, and they can lean on you if they want to make any changes, too.  

You can also make them accountable for their behavior and how it could affect your weight loss goals. In a relationship, many couples don't realize how the habits of one partner can impact the other.  

So if, for example, your partner likes to eat dinner on the late side, suggest you both eat earlier or eat that meal independently. Rather than ordering takeout, cook healthy meals at home. Swap out lazy nights on the couch for going for power walks or a run side by side. Go to sleep earlier. 

By implementing lifestyle changes together, you each become responsible for yourself and for the person you love. Accountability has the wonderful effect of causing couples to become laser-focused on being better partners. When that happens, the pounds will eventually disappear. Even better, so will the tension.  

How Will I Know If I've Found the One?

So you've found a match, gone on several dates, have had the talk of becoming exclusive, and now you are soundly in a relationship. The next question you find yourself asking is, "Are they the One?" It's certainly a loaded question, as there's much debate about whether there is only One during a lifetime.

Given that I counsel women and men who are at mid-life, after they've gone through life changes that include divorce, becoming a widow or widower, and ending a long-term partnership, I've heard various idealizations of the One. Many people come to me believing that a singular individual exists somewhere in the world who's their soulmate.

While I think this notion can be romantic, I also believe it can be constricting and misleading because clients may write off potential matches due to imperfections, conflating their overlooking some of these faults with settling for less than perfect.

In any practical respect, a relationship will never fit perfectly. For that reason, you shouldn't look to date someone who's the same in every area as you. Everyone is different, and part of being in a relationship is loving and accepting the differences between you and your partner. There will always be a few deal-breakers, but not every difference should be one.

Both partners must also possess the will to cater to each other's needs and wishes to form a healthy, long-term relationship, a relationship in which each individual can envision spending the foreseeable future with the other. Notice I said foreseeable. Forever is a long time and may feel like too much pressure for some.

Another consequence of a singular notion of the One: if a relationship ends, the heartbreak will feel particularly catastrophic. If you believe your ex is the One and only, you may feel as though you'll never be complete again, which I have found to be untrue.

I specialize in matchmaking for individuals over the age of 50, and what my clients have shown me is that it's never too late to find love — and fall in love — again. So, how will you know if you've found your next One?

You make each other feel happy and secure.

The first question to ask yourself about a relationship is: Are you happy? If the answer is yes, that's a good sign. If not, then you need to ask yourself if there's something you can do to repair the relationship to make yourself happy or if you need to scrap it altogether. Relationships take work, even with the One.

The difference is that, with the One, you're happy to put that work in. You keep doing the little things, such as asking about each other's day, making time to see each other, and reaffirming your love for each other, as well as the big things, like standing by your partner if they become sick or lose their job because you want to.

When you're in a relationship with the One, there's no question of whether you love each other. You can tell by their actions that your partner cares deeply for you, and you feel secure that your partner won't disappear on you when times get tough. You feel the same way about them.

You love and respect each other's differences.

In the infatuation period of a new relationship, you may put your partner on a pedestal. But, as time goes on and you get to know your partner better, the infatuation will wear off. It's then you'll need to assess what's left.

As you get close to your partner and understand all of their quirks and flaws and realize they're not perfect, do you accept them for who they are? When your partner is the One, you tolerate their faults and respect the differences between you. You love them, not the idea of them.

You care about each other's lives.

When you love someone, you want to know what's going on in their lives outside of your relationship. This may translate to you taking an interest in your partner's professional life or wanting to get to know their friends and family.

You also keep in regular contact and are sure to ask about what's going on in their lives. However, it also means they demonstrate a similar interest in you, suggesting they do more than send the occasional text wishing you to have a good day.

You can lean on each other for support.

While it's good to have fun in a relationship, relationships are more than just for going out to dinner and on cute day trips because the truth is you can have fun with just about anyone. What makes a relationship special is the bond you form with your partner. You go from one person (I/me) to a team (we/us).

You and your partner will inevitably face hard times during your relationship. When you're the person going through a rough time, you can depend on the One to support you. But, it's worth repeating that relationships are a two-way street: when your partner is going through a rough time, they'll expect to depend on you for support, too.

Some people may shut down from the world (and you) during times of adversity, which presents a foundational conflict because, when you're in a relationship with the One, you're a team: your problems are their problems, and their problems are your problems. If you can't be vulnerable and help each other through conflicts in your relationship, what's the point?

You have similar long-term goals.

The One should be your partner for the long haul, indicating you're compatible in the present and future. Consider the following scenario. 

You and your partner both live in the same city now. But you know you want to settle down and have children in a few years. However, your partner wants to travel the world and get married much later in life and perhaps not have children at all. While everything is good now, the difference in long-term goals could doom the relationship.

For your partner to be the One, you should have similar plans for your future, even if that future is retirement. Can you plan for the rest of your life with your current partner?

You're their One, too.

I believe this is the most important item on this list. Your partner may be your One, but are you theirs? Meaning, do they love and cherish you just as much as you do them? Are they excited by the prospect of being with you for a long time? Or are they lukewarm to you, passing the time in the relationship until their One comes along?

Unrequited love is painful, and people in an emotionally unbalanced relationship may stay in denial for a long time. But that hurts both partners, with neither of them getting what they want and need from the relationship. Therefore, you must ask yourself if you're willing to settle for what often amounts to breadcrumbs, those bite-sized pieces of love, which, of course, aren't love because we don't love each other piecemeal.

When you're with the One, you don't need to question if you're their One because they demonstrate to you every day how they appreciate and love you. All of you.

Faith or Fear? The Dating Choice All Singles Must Make

“I don’t think I’m cut out to be in a relationship. No matter what I do, it never works out,” she said before taking a sip of her wine. Then, shaking her head, “I can’t keep doing this. I just think I’m one of those people who’s meant to be alone. I need to accept that.”

Sam said the words with conviction. However, the look on her face told a far different story. After feigning happiness in a marriage that had been deteriorating for years, a drawn-out divorce that eventually followed and which should’ve been resolved a lot sooner had she used a different lawyer, and dealing with teenage drama over the years since with her kids as a result of her split with their father, Sam had had enough. She wanted to be with someone who’d appreciate her and who she felt attracted to and liked.

So far, no man had come close, and the few false starts and stops with men she thought were right had taken their toll. “I’m afraid of being let down again,” Sam confided. “After investing so much time into someone and then not having it work out, well, that’s why people get dogs.” She laughed.

I didn’t. This was no laughing matter. Sure, a dog was a safer bet. But I already knew enough about Sam to know a dog wouldn’t be the addition to her life she really wanted. I’d known Sam for a long time. A friend of a friend, we’d met a few times at parties and gotten to talking. She was great, and I wanted to help her. But first, she had to let me, and that was going to be the trickiest part since she had lost hope somewhere along the way.

Hopelessness is an undesirable feeling to have, so when we experience it, myself included, the usual inclination is to take away the pain feeling hopeless causes as fast as we can. The way we do this is to avoid the things or people who could cause us pain instead of facing the reasons why we’re behaving as we are.

For Sam, her fear was of getting close to someone and then having her heart broken by them. Her heart had already been broken when her marriage ended, and even though she had gone out on lots of dates since becoming single, she feared it happening again. The answer for her was to find fault with everyone who crossed her path. Of course, perception is reality. It was the reason why she believed there was no one out there for her.

This is a common sentiment among singles, especially at middle age, after having lived enough years to face a divorce, death of a spouse, multiple breakups, rejection, job losses, failed businesses, or any other disruption. The losses are tangible, and they hurt.

But what we don’t necessarily realize is that we hang onto those losses because they hurt. The hurt is our protection. We’re afraid of being hurt again, and past hurts are what keep others away. Past hurt is what also keeps us from facing the person staring back at us in the bathroom mirror each morning, the person with a few more wrinkles than the last time we looked, graying hair, and a body we no longer recognize.

That image, too, is perception, not reality. True, the scale doesn’t lie, and neither does the colorist at the hair salon who covers the grey. As for our brains? They can be pathological liars if we allow them to be, causing us to reflect negatively about why we are where we are in life: Why have things turned out this way? Where did we go wrong? What could we have done differently?

The answer is maybe nothing. Or maybe everything. But, really, what does it matter now?

Instead, ask yourself these questions: Is it possible I was meant to be exactly where I am right now, and do I really think there’s not something larger at work here, whether God or the universe, which helped bring me to this point?

If you answered yes to either of these questions or, at a minimum, they caused you to think, then you’ve tapped into what we commonly call faith. Faith is the understanding that we’re not alone and, because of that, faith can be the strongest support system we know. In dating, that can come in handy because, let’s face it, dating is a game of chance in which there’s always a risk of getting hurt.

But what dating also is is a game of chances, opportunities to open another door when the one behind it closes. But to have these chances, you have first to take a chance, which requires a leap of faith. Look before you do, but do leap. The faith you have in something larger than yourself and, because of that, in yourself will catch you should you fall. And lift you up, so you don’t.

7 Things You Need To Know About Dating Divorced Dads

When looking for a match, it will only be a matter of time before you stumble on a divorced dad, if you haven't already. You read his profile, and it seems like you would get along well. Then you realize he has kids. So you ask yourself: Should I give him a chance? Based on what you've heard about single dads, you think he may already have a lot on his plate.  

Your assessment is likely correct. However, I would still advise you to give divorced dads a chance because it's important to judge everyone individually. But before you leap without looking, you should understand divorced dads are different from other single men, including divorced men without kids. As a result, dating a divorced dad can come with certain, let's just call them, environmental conditions, which may or may not be right for you.  

Depending on your dating objectives, the differences which set divorced dads apart could lead you to the guy you've been looking for for so long. Here's what you need to know. 

1. His children will come first. 

Before discussing anything else related to dating divorced dads, it's critical to understand that if he's a good parent, he will almost certainly put the needs of his children before the needs of any person he starts seeing. In a relationship with a man without children, including divorced men, you may be used to him seeing you as a priority. 

For your relationship to work, though, you need to be OK with him choosing his children over you sometimes, if not most of the time. And it's completely OK for you not to be OK with that. But if that's the case, I would advise you to spare yourself the heartache and not date a divorced dad. Not for nothing, if the divorced dad you're seeing isn't putting his children's needs first, you can consider that a red flag, as you should want to see a potential partner who's also a parent prioritize their children's needs. 

2. He may not be divorced. 

This tip is one that many women take for granted but is highly important nonetheless. People who are separated are not legally divorced. So while the relationship may be over emotionally, the marriage isn't. Even so, many people start dating again. 

In general, dating a separated man can be risky. At any time, he can decide to give his marriage another chance. He also may not have finalized his divorce because there are still unresolved conflicts between him and his future ex-spouse, particularly when there are children involved, which he can find consuming. Consequently, a divorced dad may not be emotionally ready for a relationship in the way you hope him to be and is rebounding from his marriage. Ultimately, I would advise people dating a separated man to tread with caution and evaluate the circumstances surrounding his separation on a case-by-case basis. 

3. How his marriage ended can be telling. 

Not usually a first-date conversation, nor do I recommend it to be one, but for divorced dads, the reason for their divorce is an inevitable conversation you may have relatively early on. When you do, listen to the way he talks about the collapse of his marriage.  

What caused him to divorce? If, for instance, he cheated, you may want to ask yourself if you believe he would cheat again in the future, possibly on you. Does he solely blame his ex, or does he take accountability? Has he learned from his divorce? The answer to each of these questions can affect your decision to continue dating. 

4. His relationship with his ex-wife can say a lot about him. 

Then, of course, there's a divorce dad's ex-wife. She's the mother of his children, so she will always be a part of his life. If you date a divorced dad, you need to get used to that. Not to mention, the way he interacts with his ex can also impact your relationship. Do they have a healthy relationship, or are they fighting all the time, causing him — and you — stress? 

Some men are known to complain about their "crazy" ex-wife, who very well may be crazy. However, it's also possible he's hurt emotionally, so he bad-mouths her regularly to compensate. You should be wary of this behavior, as he might not be over his ex quite yet.  

On the other end of the spectrum are divorced dads who are too friendly with their ex. Ideally, their relationship should be amicable. It should be cordial with boundaries, not too antagonistic, but not too friendly either. Parents should co-parent together for the benefit of the children. If the relationship the divorced dad you're dating has with his ex crosses boundaries to a point you feel uncomfortable, you may want to examine why and ask yourself whether this person is right for you.  

5. He may still be recovering from his marriage. 

Divorce is more than an ordinary breakup; it's a legal and financial dissolution. As a result, divorce is mentally taxing and can leave some men carrying a lot of emotional baggage for a long time afterward. For your relationship to work, you need to be understanding of this.  

Because marriage is such a multi-faceted relationship, a divorced dad may not be on the same relationship timeline as you. He may want to take things slower, especially if he needs to adjust to single parenting while making sure his children are OK. After a long marriage and subsequent divorce, particularly if it was a nasty one, it can take time to trust someone new.  

6. Forcing the relationship could scare him away. 

When kids are involved, you may feel tempted to push your relationship with a divorced dad forward by asking to meet his kids early on or accepting a premature invitation from him to meet them. This can be a mistake, especially if the relationship is still new. Meeting kids can make a relationship feel more serious than it is and, as a consequence, cause him to get cold feet.    

It can also put stress on your relationship if the kids are not particularly thrilled with the idea of meeting you. There are many reasons why children may not like their dad's new love interest. First and foremost, you're not their mother.  

Kids may also become jealous that someone is dividing their father's attention. Pressure from kids can cause a divorced dad to rethink his relationship choices. Better to establish your relationship with a divorced dad first before bringing in the troops.  

7. He will respond well if you're patient with him. 

Dating a divorced dad will test your patience. He may need to reschedule dates when something comes up with his children. His time and bandwidth may also be limited as he tries to balance work, family, an ex, finances, and now you.  

But if you're up to the task, you may find that the divorced dad you're dating and the life that comes with him is right for you. And that you couldn't imagine living your life without him in it.  

Why Men Use Such Horrible Photos in Their Online Dating Profiles, and What Women Want To See Instead

After devoting lots of time and effort to crafting the perfect online dating profile, it's finally time to sift through the myriad of men's online dating profiles to find a match. But, if you're like a lot of women, once you start the process, you probably come across more than your fair share of less than appealing profile pictures, causing you to wonder why a guy would ever post such unappealing photos of themselves.  

At that point, you may even jump ship until the next time when you summon the strength to try again. Though most guys don't realize it, there are a few reasons why men use such horrible photos in their online dating profiles, which even they may not be aware of.  

If you've ever been close with a man — a romantic partner, a family member, or a platonic friend — you may have observed how a lot of men don't like to take pictures. At least, they don't like to be in pictures. They rarely, if ever, ask to take photos, so on special occasions, such as vacations or when you're both all dressed up, you're often the one to make the dreaded request. And even then, the man may only begrudgingly oblige, offering a half-smile. 

So, what photos does that leave men with when putting together an online dating profile? Not many, which is why so many men wind up with the notorious "Where's Waldo" giant group photos in which the viewer can't figure out who's who, pictures of them dressed up with their ex cut out of the photo, and other images they took years earlier. Worse still, men may not even include pictures of themselves and, instead, resort to vacation landscapes and photos of their pet because those are pictures they do have.  

Astute men may realize they need more photos, so what do they do next? Because they can't be bothered to put the time into an informal photoshoot to get high-quality pictures, they take multiple selfies. That would explain the many men who include photos of themselves in luxury sports cars that may or may not belong to them, pictures of them wearing sunglasses, and, most offensive of all, the shirtless bathroom selfies women love to swipe left on. 

What, then, can men do to fix the problem of them not having any good pictures to include in their online dating profiles? The answer is deceptively simple, and they most likely won't like it: take better photos (which may mean taking more). Here's how, because, guess what, women want to see you. 

Toss the low-quality photos. 

Think about online dating this way: When women scroll through men's online dating profiles, they're essentially catalog or online shopping. You wouldn't expect a woman to purchase a dress she can't see, so why would you expect her to swipe right on someone who could potentially become a romantic partner?  

If women can't tell from your picture that it's you — you in the crowd, you within recent months, you without a blurry face, or you standing in good lighting — they will move onto the next profile without a thought. What, then, is the point of you putting up an online dating profile to begin with? 

Avoid hats and sunglasses. 

If your photos obstruct your face, whether because you're wearing sunglasses or a baseball cap, perhaps to hide the fact you're balding, don't include them. Potential matches need to see what you look like because, let's be honest, physical appearance is often the first connection people make, especially when using online dating platforms.  

Like men, women are busy and don't want to risk showing up to a date only to find that you look completely different. She'll swipe left instead. Besides, in case you haven't gotten the memo, bald is sexy. So are your eyes. 

Don't reveal too much skin. 

Contrary to what many men think, too much skin isn't sexy. Women don't tend to like veiny, self-indulgent gym selfies and usually detest shirtless bathroom selfies. Aside from bathroom selfies usually being unflattering due to poor lighting, do you really need a woman thinking you just snapped this after doing your business and before washing your hands? 

Leave something to the imagination. If a woman is so inclined, let her imagine where you go to the bathroom instead of you including it in your profile. 

Use recent photos. 

Because men tend to have the problem of not having many pictures of themselves, they often opt to use older photos. Some notable examples are pictures with their ex clearly cropped out or them still wearing their wedding band. The latter, of course, could also be an error on the man's part, but I digress.  

Especially given the pandemic over the past year, some men may not feel comfortable with their appearance, so they choose older shots in which they think they look better. Whatever the reason, showing up to a date looking years older is a no-no. You run the risk of appearing like a liar, and no woman wants to date that.  

The idea is to attract women who will want to date you, so ditch the false advertising. It wastes their time and yours.  

Diversify your profile. 

Men tend to include too many of the same type of photo in their online dating profiles. For example, they use numerous group photos or too many selfies. This behavior, likewise, is unappealing for a potential match because the dating profile doesn't say much.  

Instead, include a variety of photos, such as photos of you doing activities you enjoy. This way, you tell a story from which potential matches can learn more about you. 

Final thoughts. 

Sorry, guys, but the answer to finding better matches is to put more effort into your online dating profile from the start. It means taking the time to look nice, which women are more than happy to do when they decide to meet you.  

Most importantly, your photos should be authentic to who you are and how you live your life. Pictures tell a story. When it comes to online dating, that story should be true. 

Should Women Make the First Move in Online Dating?

When using online dating platforms, do you ever get the feeling you're swiping and getting matches, but the men you match with never bother to message you?

If this sounds relatable, you've already likely asked yourself whether, as a woman, you should ever message men first to get the ball rolling. If you're like me and had a traditional upbringing, you might hear your parents' voices in your head, saying, "No, let him pursue you!"

Back in my parents' day, that might've been the case. But, thanks to Bumble, a dating app designed so women must message men first to start a conversation, times have changed. And men say it's a welcome change.

According to a survey conducted by Bumble, 63 percent of men joined the dating app because they were attracted to the idea of women messaging first. Ninety-seven percent of women on Bumble messaged their matches first within the last month, which means women are doing more than just window shopping.

If this vote of confidence isn't enough, the nonprofit organization AARP ranks Bumble as one of the top dating sites for women over 50. The creator of Bumble must be onto something.

But does the same logic apply to other sites, like Match, OkCupid, and JDate, where women don't have to make the first move? 

The short answer is yes. But there should be balance. In my experience, you need to be careful about how you go about messaging a guy first and what you do after, especially if you're over 50.

With younger demographics, ideas about courting or who pays on dates are more fluid. For women over 50, who are likewise looking to date men over 50, tradition often takes deeper root. That includes who's typically deemed the pursuer (men) and the one pursued (women).

If you're at all concerned about maintaining these expectations but want to take the lead, at least initially, to express your interest, there's a way to do it without sounding too aggressive.  

And that's to send a first message that's friendly but short. 

I tell my women clients while it's great to send the first message, that message should be friendly and short. It should also reference something specific in the guy's online dating profile. That will show him not only that you read his profile but that you found it (and him) interesting, too. Here are a few examples of what to write:

 ●      Hi! I see you just visited Costa Rica last summer for the first time. I was just there, too. Are you interested in comparing notes?

 ●      Hey there. I'm a big fan of Cuban food like you and have a fantastic recipe I could share. Let me know, and I'd be happy to send it your way.

 ●      Hello! Your yellow lab is adorable! I'm a dog lover myself and training my new puppy. Any tips?

Then, if he doesn't answer, I say move along and don't look back. The reason he didn't answer you doesn't matter, except to tell you he's not the one for you. At least not now. Lucky for you, you've got no time to wait around.

If you don't believe me that it's a waste of time to think about the reasons why a guy didn't message you first or respond when you reached out to him, let me tell you why he might not have answered. And you can be the judge of whether you should spend another moment thinking about it or him.

If you message a guy first, prepare yourself not to get the response you want — or any response.

There are various reasons a man may not message first, or at least not quickly in the online dating world. These include a man matching to see who (or how many women) he could match with or a man interested enough to match but not enough to reach out. Maybe someone else caught his attention, or he doesn't check their dating profile often. Perhaps, he's "just not that into you," as Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo suggest in their eponymous best-selling book.

The point? I have two. First, if you make the first move, prepare yourself to be OK with whatever the response is, including no response. Second, none of these reasons are any you can control, nor do they likely have anything to do with your messaging first.

If done right, messaging first shouldn't be enough to stop the chase.

Many men love the chase. They see a woman they're interested in and will stop at nothing until she's his. Some might believe that a woman messaging first can take away a man's urge to chase and that a woman's already communicating she's into a guy by sending the first message.

However, by that logic, a woman just matching with a man would send a similar message because she has to express interest in order to match. I think it's silly. That's why I say if you want to reach out first, go for it. But only once.

Don't follow up. Don't chase. If a man believes you're chasing him, he might think getting you will be easy, too, and string you along until he finds someone he considers more of a challenge. Messaging first is fine, but after that, give a guy a chance to win you.

Early on, a man should be trying to get a date with you, not the other way around. So, if you message a guy first, let him start the conversation the next time. If you pique his interest, he'll show it. He'll show you he's interested by messaging you again, and after several emails, texts, and a phone call, by asking you on an actual date. That should be his job, not yours.

A few final words...

It's important not to come on too strong when messaging a guy first. Allow him to show you he wants to get to know you better and mean it.

Encourage him by responding positively to his advances, but also leave him feeling curious. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he'll come back to learn more.

After 30 years in the business as a modern-day matchmaker and dating consultant, I know sometimes a guy might need a little push to get him to look at you, and a quick first message can do precisely that. Just don't push too hard because that same guy will want to look at anyone but you. And you deserve a guy who sees you for all you are.

Why Does My Boyfriend Take Me To the Same Places He Took His Ex?

A client recently came to me visibly shaken after discovering her boyfriend had taken her to a few places he had visited with an ex, including a vacation spot. I patiently listened as she explained her discovery and how it made her feel, which was sad. She believed her boyfriend must have been thinking of his ex when he was there with her.   

I told my client that was likely not the case, especially since the relationship she shared with her boyfriend was a good one and going strong. I told her she had a few things to learn about men, and the fact her boyfriend took her to these places was either because he liked her or it meant nothing at all.  

If your boyfriend has done this to you, not to worry. Here’s why. 

He’s a creature of habit.  

People, including men, are often creatures of habit. They like to go to the same restaurants, the same bars, the same beaches, and the same shopping establishments over and over again. Why? Not because they were thinking about the last time they were there and who they were there with, but the exact opposite. They don’t want to have to think about what they’re doing.  

The point is, unless you have evidence pointing to anything illicit, your boyfriend’s choice of venue may literally mean nothing other than convenience for him. If that bothers you, too, well, stay tuned. I have something to say about that, too.  

He personally likes these places. 

Let’s also not forget the obvious, which is people, and yes, guys as well, go to the same places repeatedly because they like them. Your boyfriend may like the atmosphere, view, or food at that particular restaurant, the shoreline at that beach, the jewelry at that store, etc.  

He goes back because he appreciates what these establishments have to offer and would frequent them whether you were there or not. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy going to these places more with you than by himself or with someone else; he probably does — in the present — which brings me to this.    

He’s living in the moment. 

Not everyone who has an ex is pining for them. An ex is an ex for a reason. There are many people, and yes, you guessed it, men, who can live in the moment. That means they’re able to enjoy what and who is right in front of them. 

It shouldn’t take you long to figure out if the guy you’re dating is over their ex. He will do a lot more than bring you to places he went with her. He will be in contact with her, bring her up in conversation often, and have mementos from her lying around. There are more clues, but perhaps the biggest one is the feeling you have in your gut. Do you have that feeling?  

He wants you to experience and love these places as much as he does. 

When someone cares about you, and they have a location or food they absolutely love, they want you to enjoy it, too.  

I have a client who told me a story about how whenever her boyfriend took her to one of his favorite restaurants, and, as a foodie, there were many, he would always urge her to get a specific dish he knew was unbelievable or a special that sounded great because he wanted her to have the ultimate experience there. He would always offer her a taste of what he was eating, too. Once, he even offered to switch plates with her because his initial choice turned out to be the better of the two.  

Even though he had obviously been to many of these establishments before, presumably with another date or an ex, he wanted her to share in an experience he had always found enjoyable. Can and should you really fault him for that?  

He wants to make new memories. 

Your boyfriend may very well have experienced some of the places he’s taking you now with his ex first. And yes, that can hurt because you want your relationship and the things you do in it to be just about the two of you. But that doesn’t mean his heart isn’t in the right place. 

It’s impossible to have a clean slate, especially when you’re dating at middle age and beyond, and, even more so, if you’ve lived in the same area for years and been around the block a few too many times to count, quite literally. If you stop to think about it for a moment, you likely have memories with exes, too, which you cannot erase.  

What your boyfriend is probably doing when he takes you to places he’s been before with someone else is looking to make new memories — with you. So, I ask: where would you rather be, in your boyfriend’s past, or in his present and future?