A client recently came to me visibly shaken after discovering her boyfriend had taken her to a few places he had visited with an ex, including a vacation spot. I patiently listened as she explained her discovery and how it made her feel, which was sad. She believed her boyfriend must have been thinking of his ex when he was there with her.
I told my client that was likely not the case, especially since the relationship she shared with her boyfriend was a good one and going strong. I told her she had a few things to learn about men, and the fact her boyfriend took her to these places was either because he liked her or it meant nothing at all.
If your boyfriend has done this to you, not to worry. Here’s why.
He’s a creature of habit.
People, including men, are often creatures of habit. They like to go to the same restaurants, the same bars, the same beaches, and the same shopping establishments over and over again. Why? Not because they were thinking about the last time they were there and who they were there with, but the exact opposite. They don’t want to have to think about what they’re doing.
The point is, unless you have evidence pointing to anything illicit, your boyfriend’s choice of venue may literally mean nothing other than convenience for him. If that bothers you, too, well, stay tuned. I have something to say about that, too.
He personally likes these places.
Let’s also not forget the obvious, which is people, and yes, guys as well, go to the same places repeatedly because they like them. Your boyfriend may like the atmosphere, view, or food at that particular restaurant, the shoreline at that beach, the jewelry at that store, etc.
He goes back because he appreciates what these establishments have to offer and would frequent them whether you were there or not. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy going to these places more with you than by himself or with someone else; he probably does — in the present — which brings me to this.
He’s living in the moment.
Not everyone who has an ex is pining for them. An ex is an ex for a reason. There are many people, and yes, you guessed it, men, who can live in the moment. That means they’re able to enjoy what and who is right in front of them.
It shouldn’t take you long to figure out if the guy you’re dating is over their ex. He will do a lot more than bring you to places he went with her. He will be in contact with her, bring her up in conversation often, and have mementos from her lying around. There are more clues, but perhaps the biggest one is the feeling you have in your gut. Do you have that feeling?
He wants you to experience and love these places as much as he does.
When someone cares about you, and they have a location or food they absolutely love, they want you to enjoy it, too.
I have a client who told me a story about how whenever her boyfriend took her to one of his favorite restaurants, and, as a foodie, there were many, he would always urge her to get a specific dish he knew was unbelievable or a special that sounded great because he wanted her to have the ultimate experience there. He would always offer her a taste of what he was eating, too. Once, he even offered to switch plates with her because his initial choice turned out to be the better of the two.
Even though he had obviously been to many of these establishments before, presumably with another date or an ex, he wanted her to share in an experience he had always found enjoyable. Can and should you really fault him for that?
He wants to make new memories.
Your boyfriend may very well have experienced some of the places he’s taking you now with his ex first. And yes, that can hurt because you want your relationship and the things you do in it to be just about the two of you. But that doesn’t mean his heart isn’t in the right place.
It’s impossible to have a clean slate, especially when you’re dating at middle age and beyond, and, even more so, if you’ve lived in the same area for years and been around the block a few too many times to count, quite literally. If you stop to think about it for a moment, you likely have memories with exes, too, which you cannot erase.
What your boyfriend is probably doing when he takes you to places he’s been before with someone else is looking to make new memories — with you. So, I ask: where would you rather be, in your boyfriend’s past, or in his present and future?