When using online dating platforms, do you ever get the feeling you're swiping and getting matches, but the men you match with never bother to message you?
If this sounds relatable, you've already likely asked yourself whether, as a woman, you should ever message men first to get the ball rolling. If you're like me and had a traditional upbringing, you might hear your parents' voices in your head, saying, "No, let him pursue you!"
Back in my parents' day, that might've been the case. But, thanks to Bumble, a dating app designed so women must message men first to start a conversation, times have changed. And men say it's a welcome change.
According to a survey conducted by Bumble, 63 percent of men joined the dating app because they were attracted to the idea of women messaging first. Ninety-seven percent of women on Bumble messaged their matches first within the last month, which means women are doing more than just window shopping.
If this vote of confidence isn't enough, the nonprofit organization AARP ranks Bumble as one of the top dating sites for women over 50. The creator of Bumble must be onto something.
But does the same logic apply to other sites, like Match, OkCupid, and JDate, where women don't have to make the first move?
The short answer is yes. But there should be balance. In my experience, you need to be careful about how you go about messaging a guy first and what you do after, especially if you're over 50.
With younger demographics, ideas about courting or who pays on dates are more fluid. For women over 50, who are likewise looking to date men over 50, tradition often takes deeper root. That includes who's typically deemed the pursuer (men) and the one pursued (women).
If you're at all concerned about maintaining these expectations but want to take the lead, at least initially, to express your interest, there's a way to do it without sounding too aggressive.
And that's to send a first message that's friendly but short.
I tell my women clients while it's great to send the first message, that message should be friendly and short. It should also reference something specific in the guy's online dating profile. That will show him not only that you read his profile but that you found it (and him) interesting, too. Here are a few examples of what to write:
● Hi! I see you just visited Costa Rica last summer for the first time. I was just there, too. Are you interested in comparing notes?
● Hey there. I'm a big fan of Cuban food like you and have a fantastic recipe I could share. Let me know, and I'd be happy to send it your way.
● Hello! Your yellow lab is adorable! I'm a dog lover myself and training my new puppy. Any tips?
Then, if he doesn't answer, I say move along and don't look back. The reason he didn't answer you doesn't matter, except to tell you he's not the one for you. At least not now. Lucky for you, you've got no time to wait around.
If you don't believe me that it's a waste of time to think about the reasons why a guy didn't message you first or respond when you reached out to him, let me tell you why he might not have answered. And you can be the judge of whether you should spend another moment thinking about it or him.
If you message a guy first, prepare yourself not to get the response you want — or any response.
There are various reasons a man may not message first, or at least not quickly in the online dating world. These include a man matching to see who (or how many women) he could match with or a man interested enough to match but not enough to reach out. Maybe someone else caught his attention, or he doesn't check their dating profile often. Perhaps, he's "just not that into you," as Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo suggest in their eponymous best-selling book.
The point? I have two. First, if you make the first move, prepare yourself to be OK with whatever the response is, including no response. Second, none of these reasons are any you can control, nor do they likely have anything to do with your messaging first.
If done right, messaging first shouldn't be enough to stop the chase.
Many men love the chase. They see a woman they're interested in and will stop at nothing until she's his. Some might believe that a woman messaging first can take away a man's urge to chase and that a woman's already communicating she's into a guy by sending the first message.
However, by that logic, a woman just matching with a man would send a similar message because she has to express interest in order to match. I think it's silly. That's why I say if you want to reach out first, go for it. But only once.
Don't follow up. Don't chase. If a man believes you're chasing him, he might think getting you will be easy, too, and string you along until he finds someone he considers more of a challenge. Messaging first is fine, but after that, give a guy a chance to win you.
Early on, a man should be trying to get a date with you, not the other way around. So, if you message a guy first, let him start the conversation the next time. If you pique his interest, he'll show it. He'll show you he's interested by messaging you again, and after several emails, texts, and a phone call, by asking you on an actual date. That should be his job, not yours.
A few final words...
It's important not to come on too strong when messaging a guy first. Allow him to show you he wants to get to know you better and mean it.
Encourage him by responding positively to his advances, but also leave him feeling curious. If a guy is genuinely interested in you, he'll come back to learn more.
After 30 years in the business as a modern-day matchmaker and dating consultant, I know sometimes a guy might need a little push to get him to look at you, and a quick first message can do precisely that. Just don't push too hard because that same guy will want to look at anyone but you. And you deserve a guy who sees you for all you are.