Are you smiling?

States across the U.S. have lifted or are about to lift their mask mandates. But not everyone's smiling about it. As a recent article from NBC tells it, many people are finding they've become attached to their masks, and for more reasons than only fear of catching Covid. Those reasons include enjoying a makeup-free existence, protection from other illnesses such as cold or flu, and the ability to hide emotions, ranging from contempt to a forced smile.  

Though the reasons people cite in the article for holding onto their masks differ, the effect can be the same: masks can contribute to keeping us isolated from each other. For singles, that can make meeting a romantic interest in more organic ways, including at the grocery store, on the train, and at the mall, for example, problematic. It can also become an excuse for why some singles say they've stopped searching for a person they'd like to date; according to them, everything they do appears to be in vain.  

But maybe it's a fear of being vulnerable, not to Covid but heartbreak, that's holding some people back. Others may simply have become set in their ways as a result of pandemic life. However, isolation is not our natural state. Humans, by nature, are social creatures.   

For the past 15 months or so, we've lived without the luxury of sharing a passing glance, an eye roll, and, of course, a smile. We've lived without the pressure of having to be "on" in front of other people — a stranger, a person we've recently met, or a good friend or relative.  

Our masks, apart from protecting us from Covid, saved us from having our feelings hurt. They kept us from feeling ignored or rejected. That brought a sense of relief for many of us because it's never fun to have others treat us as if we don't matter.  

At the same time, the masks that protected us also deprived us of the high we feel whenever we make a connection. More than any other facial expression, those connections start with a smile. And smiling is good for us.  

According to one study from the University of Kansas, smiling helps to relieve stress. Smiling has also been linked to lower blood pressure and a longer life span. Smiling likewise makes the people around you feel better, putting others besides yourself at ease. 

 But, by far, the best part about smiling is that smiles are contagious. And after the experience we just had, those are something we should be happy to spread around. 

I’m Still Stuck on My Ex. How Can I Get Over My Last Breakup?

You’ve probably heard the expression “time heals all wounds,” but in the case of a breakup, it can sometimes feel as though your ex is on your mind as much or even more since your relationship ended. You might think enough time has passed that you should be over your ex, but yet you’re still not. If your ex has already moved on, it can sting even more.

I’m not here to deny that moving on from a relationship can be challenging, particularly if you weren’t the one to call it quits or if the breakup was messy. As a matchmaker and dating consultant for more than three decades, I’ve seen and heard it all. What I can tell you is that, like any other life change, coping with and then getting over a breakup requires introspection and participation to recover.

In other words, there are steps you can take to actively help yourself move past your grief and get over your ex. Below are five ways I recommend to facilitate the healing process.

1. Ask yourself why you’re still heartbroken.

If you’ve been upset about your breakup for as long as you’ve been, ask yourself the following question: Why am I still so upset?

Was it something you or your ex did that incited the breakup? Was it a mistake you and or your ex made during your relationship? Was there trauma involved? Are you upset because you’re no longer in a relationship — any relationship, that is?

Looking for the source of your feelings can put you on a path of introspection, eventually resulting in personal growth and emotional maturity. The idea is the hurt from your breakup will begin to resolve itself once you identify and, next, address it, and you’ll be better equipped to move forward with your life. That can include starting a new relationship once you’re ready.

2. Spend time with friends and family.

When grieving the end of a relationship, it may feel instinctive to lock yourself in a dark room and cry all day long, reminiscing about your greatest moments as a couple. While it’s OK to take some time to release your emotions, at some point, you need to venture outside and live your life.

That can include spending time with friends and family. Catching up with people you care about and who care about you can serve as a healthy distraction from your breakup. Socializing with those you know and like can get out of your own head and stop you from ruminating about your breakup.

I will warn you that grief won’t disappear with the snap of your fingers. But with practice, you can learn how to live with it, including how to manage the way it affects your day-to-day existence.

3. Cultivate new hobbies and interests.

When you give yourself nothing else to think about, your mind will naturally overthink, prolonging the pain of your breakup. That’s why it’s so important during a breakup to take deliberate steps to focus on something positive, such as a new hobby. And, before you ask, no, surfing through Spotify to find songs to add to your heartbreak playlist does not count as a hobby.

While you should be careful not to use a hobby as a distraction to avoid dealing with your pain, a hobby can become one of many reasons to get out of bed each morning. A new hobby or a return to an old one can help you establish an identity that goes well beyond being one-half of a couple.

4. Recognize your breakup was probably for the best.

While you’re going through a breakup, the statement “it was for the best” can feel offensive, if not altogether untrue. However, the pain you’re experiencing as a result of your breakup doesn’t have to be in vain. If you harness it, it can become the catalyst for growth as you learn more about yourself and your priorities in a relationship — and in life.

Your goal should be to emerge from your breakup with a deeper understanding of yourself. If you do the work, you’ll most likely find that you would not be who you are now had you stayed in the relationship. You would also not be who you are today had you never been in the relationship. Both make you YOU. Changing your perspective is critical.

5. Start dating again.

You’ve probably heard the (crass) saying that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. While I will not recommend a rebound relationship, eventually, there comes a time after a breakup when it makes sense for you to get back “out there.” 

It might hurt. Your first date after a breakup can feel strange, unfamiliar, and lonely. But as you continue dating, someone special will eventually capture your attention and you theirs.

Instead of feeling upset over the loss of your last relationship, you’ll suddenly feel excited to get to know the person you’ve begun to date. And that ex of yours will no longer be the person who broke your heart but, rather, the person who led you to open your heart to someone new. 

How To Reject Someone Nicely While Preserving Their Dignity — and Yours

One of the most exciting parts of dating someone new is getting to know them and eventually deciding whether this potential match is for you. Very early on, after the first date or two, if you're not feeling it, you may not text anymore and part ways.

But what happens when you've been on several dates? Or you have been talking for a few weeks and realize you are incompatible, but the other person seems all into it — and you? This situation is unlike the first date, when you may mutually "ghost" each other. In this situation, one of you has already become somewhat invested.

In this "gray area," it may feel as though no breakup method (text, in person, or ghosting) will ever feel appropriate or respectful, making you want to take the path of least resistance, aka the easy way out. So you think ghosting it is!

No. As a matchmaker, the gray area is an issue I know well because my clients, like all daters, must contend with it, too. When they ask me for advice on how to break things off respectfully, here's what I say.

When rejecting someone you've been dating, don't ghost.

I believe that ghosting is just about one of the most disrespectful things you could do to someone, even if you've only been on a few dates. Think about it from the other person's point of view. You're still very early on in your relationship, talking to each other and casually dating, getting to know each other better. Chances are, then, the other person still has their rose-colored glasses on, meaning, if you suddenly ghost, you'd be ripping their hope away, possibly leaving your potential match hurt and confused, wondering what could have been.

Instead, tell this person the truth: you don't want to continue seeing them and want to be upfront about it. Ideally, you should break things off in person. However, if you've only met up once or twice but have been talking regularly on the phone, then breaking things off over the phone is fine. I would avoid ending things over text; I believe it's cowardly because a text allows you to drop the breakup bomb on someone without having to witness any of the fallout.

Given the ongoing pandemic, it's also understandable not to want to meet up in person to break things off, even if you already went on a few socially distant COVID-19 dates, just because there's always a risk involved. Though a phone call may come off as weak and is arguably not the most polite means to communicate your intentions given your prior interactions, in this instance, I would say it's OK because everyone's health should still be a top priority. 

When breaking up, meet up in a neutral setting with an easy exit.

If you choose to meet in person to have the breakup conversation, the location you meet at is as important for your comfort as it is for theirs. Especially for a relationship that has not progressed too far, I would not recommend meeting somewhere isolated, most notably either of your homes. Apart from it being potentially awkward, especially if one of you asks the other person to leave, it could be dangerous. The reality is you don't know this person well and don't know how they will react.

Instead, meet somewhere open and public, like a coffee shop or park. This way, you can get there, say what you need to say, and once the conversation is over, leave. I wouldn't recommend breaking things off over lunch or dinner either because, whether you decide to end things at the beginning of the meal or the end, it could be stomach-turning.

If you still go the restaurant route, have the conversation when you first sit down, before ordering any drinks or food, so you don't end up feeling chained to the table for an hour trying to make awkward small talk as you both wonder who should grab the check. Hint: If you're the one doing the breaking up, it should be you.

Alternatively, breaking up at the end of the meal can prove difficult, too. The lead-up conversation for an hour beforehand may result in you losing your nerve. Or leave your date feeling like you spent the entire length of the meal feigning interest. One minute, you were interested in how the day went, and the next, you're dumping them. In short, don't linger with your date after your breakup conversation is over.

To plan an in-person breakup, pick a location convenient for the person you've been dating.

When using online dating, you and the person you're seeing may not necessarily live that close to each other. Choosing a place near you for the breakup may mean your date must travel, incurring both time and expense. If you're meeting to have what may be only a 10-minute conversation, why make them go through the trouble of commuting to you?

The respectful thing to do would be to make the location of the meetup convenient for your date. You're the one looking to end things, so you should go to the trouble of picking somewhere near where your date lives, so at least it's not a long or potentially expensive way back home after he or she gets the bad news.

While breaking up with someone, watch what you say.

Rejection can be challenging for people to grasp, so be kind in the way you word your breakup conversation. Let this person know why you're ending things. If, for instance, you realize that you each have different long-term goals, then say that.

But if you're breaking up because you realized you aren't attracted or don't like them, be careful about saying that specifically. You don't want to tear this person down, so consider leading the discussion with something about personal incompatibility instead. You also don't want to criticize them, causing any additional pain and self-doubt. They will have enough as it is.

How you manage the hits and misses will define the kind of dater you are. Not to mention, next time, it very well may be you who's sitting at the other side of the table. What goes around comes around.

The Rise of the Gray Divorce, and Why Bill and Melinda Won’t Be the Only Older Americans You’ll See Dating Online

The divorce rate for older Americans has been rising at an unprecedented rate. According to a 2017 study released by Pew Research, the divorce rate for Americans age 50 and older doubled since the 1990s, from five percent in 1990 to 10 percent in 2015. Nicknamed "gray divorces," this type of divorce has made headlines recently, given the announcement last week from Bill and Melinda Gates that they're divorcing. With so many singles over 50, it's not surprising this demographic has turned to online dating and modern-day matchmakers to meet matches. 

As a dating strategist and consultant who specializes in connecting people over the age of 50 and utilizes my exclusive database in coordination with online dating websites to cull for my clients the best possible matches, I know gray divorces leave many scratching their heads. People come to me time and time again and ask: Why divorce now after so many years spent married? In my line of work, it's a question I've long since become familiar with and can provide answers that make sense. 

It's not only first marriages, where the couple married young and stayed together for decades, that are ending either. Many gray divorces are actually second, third, or fourth marriages. In fact, the gray divorce rate for second marriages is twice as high as that for first marriages. Regardless of what number marriage it is, here are the most popular reasons why "older" Americans, those in their golden, ahem, gray years, are getting divorced.  

The Empty Nest 

It's not uncommon for couples experiencing serious marital problems to stay together for the kids. However, what happens is that once the children leave the family home, these couples can't bear to live with each other without child-rearing to distract them. So they seek out the divorce they've long since wished for, believing, and rightly so, the kids will be alright.   

In less drastic situations, where there weren't obvious relationship issues, a couple may have enjoyed being married while the children were still living in the family home. But now that the children have left, and the couple must adjust to a new routine without them, one or both spouses may find that they've evolved into different people over the years. Though they don't despise their spouse, they do want to steer their lives in a new direction — without that person by their side. No hard feelings, right? 

Retirement 

For most people's adult lives, at least one spouse regularly goes to work each day, a routine that can last for decades. While a person may miss their spouse while they're at work, the increased exposure to one other offered by retirement creates ample opportunities to, well, grind on each other's nerves. 

Without work, hobbies, and other interests to provide privacy and some much-appreciated time apart, many couples find that retirement feels as though Jean-Paul Sartre got it right in his play "No Exit" — "Hell is other people." Most notably, their husband or wife. 

Finances 

When people marry young, they may not consider just how much of an impact retirement planning (or lack of it) can affect their marriage later on. On one end of the spectrum, retired couples may find that their nest egg is not enough to support both of them and may need to adjust their lifestyles accordingly. If one or both spouses aren't particularly happy in their current situation, living better apart becomes a good reason to part ways.   

On the other end of the spectrum, well-off couples can part ways knowing they and their spouse will be financially stable after divorce, and then some. They have enough means to live the life they've always dreamed of and don't have to remain tied financially to their spouse. For these couples, financial freedom takes on a whole new meaning.  

Life Expectancy 

Due to significant medical advancements, "till death do us part" can be a phrase some couples come to think of as a threat instead of a promise, as they intended on their wedding day. Life expectancies have risen to be the highest they've ever been in history, which significantly extends the retirement period. Paired with improvements in healthcare, singles over 50 may think of themselves as having just as much vitality in their older years as they did when they were young.  

Older couples may realize that staying married to their spouse may mean another 50 years of marriage. Instead of sticking it out like their parents' generation did, they seek a divorce because they've got so many options, especially with the rise in popularity of online dating, for meeting someone new.  

Who knows? Someone "new" could even be Bill or Melinda. They haven't called me — yet — but I'm more than happy to advise them if they do. 

What Is Micro-Cheating in a Relationship and What Should You Do About It?

Have you ever been in a committed relationship when your partner did something “small” that kind of rubbed you the wrong way? And by rubbed you the wrong way, what they did sort of felt like cheating, but your partner didn’t actually cheat according to what most people consider cheating to be, which is having sex with someone else? If you’ve answered yes, your partner was probably guilty of micro-cheating.

In isolation, acts of micro-cheating don’t seem so bad, which, first, makes them hard to pinpoint, and second, even harder to address. That’s because when you confront your partner with examples of their behavior, you can come off looking petty, jealous, insecure, and accusatory, none of which are qualities that make you look good. And you haven’t done anything wrong!

How then do you know if your partner is engaging in acts of micro-cheating and, next, how can you deal with it in your relationship in a healthy manner? As a matchmaker and relationship coach who’s helped thousands of couples find love and build strong relationships, I have a few suggestions. But before I get started with solutions, it’s important to understand what micro-cheating is.

What is micro-cheating in a relationship? 

Micro-cheating is when a person in a committed relationship engages in some sort of flirtatious behavior with someone other than their partner, not including sex. It’s often a gray area as the acts, by themselves, don’t always raise an immediate red flag. When they do, the partner who’s committed the acts can often explain their actions away, effectively gaslighting their partner, at least at first.

If you’re unfamiliar with the term, gaslighting refers to the act of making someone feel as if what they’re saying doesn’t make sense, they’re crazy for saying it, or they don’t know what they’re talking about. In other words, when confronted, that person does everything in their power to deflect attention on any wrongdoing from them onto you. Micro-cheaters are experts at gaslighting because the transgressions usually appear insignificant at first glance.

Common examples of micro-cheating include the following:

●       Flirting with someone outside the relationship. The flirting could be with numerous people or one person repeatedly. This type of behavior can occur at work or in any other social situation, or even during a chance meeting, including while running errands. 

●       Engaging in a flirtatious manner over social media. This behavior could describe using social media to get someone else’s attention or acknowledge any attention they’re giving.

Behaviors may include “liking” and commenting on social media posts, engaging in conversations over DM (direct message), or seeking out someone of interest on social media to connect with them.

●       Communicating with an ex. For many couples, talking to an ex is a big no-no. If the couple has an understanding that such behavior is unwelcome in their relationship, and one partner is engaging with an ex regardless, the interaction could be classified as micro-cheating.

●       Seeking emotional support from an object of affection outside the relationship. If one partner turns to someone outside the relationship, specifically someone they’re attracted to, for emotional support, guidance on important decisions, and to discuss relationship issues they’re having, it pretty much points to micro-cheating.

●       Reciprocating or escalating attention or advances from someone outside the relationship. In other words, this behavior describes when one partner welcomes attention from a person outside the relationship instead of ignoring the behavior or clearly communicating a lack of interest.

As you can tell, there are nuances among these descriptions, and, naturally, intent counts for a lot. People can just be oblivious to how a certain behavior may make their partner feel. 

For some couples, these behaviors may not present an issue. For others, they may become the source of contention in the relationship if not addressed.

Signs of micro-cheating

The thing about micro-cheating is that if you look hard enough for it, you’ll find it. That said, there are signs of the behavior that can justifiably raise suspicion.

●       Your partner is overly protective of their phone or computer.

●       They talk about a specific person in a way that makes you uncomfortable. Perhaps your partner comments on that person’s looks, they bring them up a lot in conversation or compare you to them.

●       Your partner appears distant or distracted, as if they’re thinking or daydreaming about someone else.

●       When you raise the issue or question them about something they said or did, they act defensive, become angry, gaslight you, or refuse to talk about it.

●       During times of stress, when your partner would usually turn to you, they’re hush, hush, possibly because they’re getting support from somewhere else.

What should you do if you suspect your partner of micro-cheating?

If you suspect your partner is guilty of micro-cheating, it’s important you face the situation head-on before it becomes out of hand and does irreparable damage to your relationship. Addressing the situation may be as simple as having a conversation, or it may require you to enlist support. Here’s how to start.

●       Talk to your partner. As with any issue in your relationship, you need to come clean if something’s bothering you. If you’re upset by a specific behavior from your partner, ask them about it. They truly may not be aware that what they’re doing bothers you or is wrong in any way. Explain why it does.

●       Give your partner the opportunity to “fix” things between you. If your partner is sorry about the behavior and wants to make things “right” between you, and that’s what you want, then allow them to do so. Although the incidence(s) of micro-cheating they participated in were hurtful to you and may have caused you to become distrustful, your relationship may not be beyond repair.

Keep in mind, however, that you need to be open to your partner’s efforts. The decision is yours, and your partner may, in fact, need to rely on your guidance as to how to regain your trust.

●       Set boundaries in your relationship. As you and your partner attempt to move past the micro-cheating, it’s helpful to set boundaries in your relationship. That means you should communicate to your partner what behavior is acceptable to you and what isn’t. It also means you need to abide by the boundaries you both set, too. There shouldn’t be any “do as I say, not as I do” situations.

●       Have a mutual understanding of what monogamy and micro-cheating mean. Come up with definitions you both can agree on for monogamy and cheating (any kind) so there’s no confusion in the future about what you expect from your partner and what your partner can expect from you.

●       Ask a professional for help. Overcoming cheating, even micro-cheating, can be an uphill climb for many couples. It’s why people often turn to a marriage counselor or therapist for assistance. Whether you attend sessions together, independently, or commit to some combination thereof, a third party may be able to better articulate what you can’t and help create a plan for you both to move forward — together or alone.

Whichever way you decide to confront micro-cheating, understand you can only control your own behavior. If your partner isn’t treating you how you want to be treated, they’ve done you a favor by freeing you up to find someone who will.

9 Secrets for a Healthy Relationship, According To a Couple Married Over 50 Years

When you're divorced, it's really easy to get turned off to the idea of marriage. Not just the thought of getting married again, but more specifically, the possibility that a marriage can be healthy and stay that way.

While on vacation last month, I had the pleasure of meeting a couple celebrating their 54th wedding anniversary. Over omelets and coffee at the hotel where I was staying, the couple was kind enough to share their secrets for a successful marriage, one anyone looking at them could tell was still going strong.

Even if you never intend to walk down the aisle again, you can apply these principles to any romantic relationship. Straight from my newfound friends, here they are.

1. Don't give up.

Where there's a will, there's a way, as the saying goes. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, you must be willing to resolve your issues if you expect your love to endure. You must be receptive to your partner's ideas and make sure you're communicating your feelings appropriately.

Remember, you and your partner are a team: it's you and him or her against whatever problems you're facing, not you against him or her.

2. Pick your battles. 

It's important to recognize that you can't always get what you want. You may feel tempted to fight for whatever you believe in, as being outspoken very well may be part of your personality.

You probably don't have malicious intentions, but what may result is that your partner feels like you're not listening and, as a result, feels powerless. If not addressed, feelings of resentment and hopelessness could ultimately kill your relationship.

You may prefer, say, Italian food over Chinese food, and your partner may prefer Chinese food over Italian food. Still, if you insist on only going to Italian restaurants, your partner will feel voiceless. Sometimes you need to let your partner win the battle. Go out for Chinese food. Is it that big of a deal?

For more serious conflicts, you may fervently believe in your position, but you need to, at a minimum, hear your partner out. He or she will have a different perspective from yours, but that perspective will also help you develop new insight into your dispute.

What you will often find is that he or she is actually right, or at a minimum, you may be a little less right than you initially thought.

3. Compromise whenever possible.

Sometimes you'll win the battle, sometimes your partner will win, and sometimes you'll have to meet in the middle. Compromise is a sign of cooperation. It reinforces the idea you and your partner are working together as a team. And that you work well together.

Compromising also functions as a gesture of goodwill: you're willing to meet your partner halfway on an issue because you would rather put your minds together to solve the problem than fight to the bitter end.

4. Practice simple kindness.

Despite what many people say, chivalry isn't dead. And it will never die as long as we keep practicing it in our daily lives. Never stop trying to impress your partner, and you can do this through random acts of kindness. Not just on special occasions either.

Your spouse expecting a relaxing and romantic dinner on your anniversary is an easy one. But what if you cooked a hearty home-cooked meal on a random Tuesday also because you know he or she has a stressful presentation the next morning at work?

Smaller gestures, such as holding the door open or paying your partner a compliment, can make a big difference. This way, your partner never feels unloved, uncared for, or, perhaps worst of all, unseen, and your relationship goes on strong.

5. Laugh a lot.

Couples who get along well generally have a similar sense of humor. Both partners think the same things are funny. However, they don't make their partner the butt of the joke.

We've all been around those people, the ones who laugh while we sit there scratching our heads, asking, "Did she just mean to say that?"

The person who loves you won't do that. Nor will you do it to them.

6. Don't be afraid to argue.

Healthy couples argue. Why? Because healthy couples express themselves. When your partner has an issue, he or she raises it. You're open to hearing from your partner about problems he or she may have, too.

Because we're human and emotional, sometimes tensions and voices can rise. As long as there's no abuse, it's OK. People get mad. They fight.

But couples who love and respect each other work on their issues together. That, hopefully, causes less fighting in the long run.

7. Be independent.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're joined at the hip. In fact, you shouldn't be. Long after you become a couple, you should still maintain interests outside your partner.

You should have friends, hobbies, and time all to yourself. If your partner doesn't allow you to have independence in your relationship, you may unwittingly be the victim of emotional abuse.

That said, do unto others.

8. Focus on what makes your spouse or partner attractive to you.

If you've been with the same person for a long time, you may not be as thin as you once were or muscular. There may be more lines on your face than were there when you first met, and the hair on your head may not be as thick or exist at all.

But, guaranteed, your partner has attributes that can still make you swoon. Whether it's the way that he or she smiles when reading a passage in a book or furrows their brow when deep in thought, or the shape of their body, you love them for it.

Focus on those attributes — when your partner is looking and when he or she isn't. It won't matter; your partner will be able to feel your appreciation.   

9. Shake things up.

A problem that arises in long relationships is when one partner (or both) gets bored. You may feel like you're in a rut waking up, going to work, taking care of the children, and going to sleep, only to wake up and do it again. For many, the monotony leads to resentment and depression.

A simple and effective way to fight boredom is to switch up your routine. Schedule a romantic getaway, try a new restaurant, or take a class. Do something new. Anything for that matter. Well, almost anything.

Life, long-term relationships, and marriages can be full of surprises. The biggest secret is you first have to be open to them.

So, see what you like, and enjoy your adventures and new experiences — together and alone. Sometimes a little time apart can make home sweet home taste even sweeter.

When Should You Delete Your Online Dating Profile?

Dating is not an exact science. It's probably why so many of my clients come to me asking when they should delete their online dating profile after meeting someone they like. My answer is always the same: it depends.

Every relationship is different. Both partners come into it with their own history and expectations. Then there's the chemistry factor; either it's there, or it's not. Sometimes chemistry is there for one person and not for the other. And other times, love and attraction grow as people get to know each other.

So, where does that leave you if you're deciding whether or not to take down your online dating profile? Or ask the person you're dating to take down theirs?

It leaves you in the position of having to have a thoughtful conversation — with yourself and the person you're dating. Here's what you should consider.

How You Feel About the Person That You're Dating

Have you been single for a while, and this is the first person you've recently dated that you like? If so, good for you!

But now ask yourself in an honest way why you like this person. Is it because you're tired of being alone? Or is this person someone whose company you actually enjoy and you feel comfortable around?

The person you become exclusive with is someone you see possibilities of a future with because taking yourself offline makes you unavailable to others. You should only limit your options if you truly believe the person you're dating fits that criteria.

Of course, there are no guarantees your relationship will last even if you get into an exclusive one. But, at a minimum, you should be able to envision what a future together could look like if it did last.

The Length of Time You've Been Together

This is a tricky one because people love to mark relationships according to milestones and what should happen at each one.

"It's our one-month anniversary, so we should be exclusive by now."

"We've been dating for three months, so I should meet his parents, right?"

 "We've been together six months, but I still haven't met her kids. Something's wrong."

For those looking for a definitive answer as to what should happen in your relationship at specific points in time, unfortunately, there's none. Again, every relationship is different. It's why you need to evaluate the level of your and your partner's involvement in each other's lives according to what's going on in your lives.

Sometimes involvement and commitment are quick. Other times, both can take some time, which may or may not be a reflection of the depth of your relationship and prospect for a future together.

If, for example, one of you has just come out of a marriage and the children are young and still adjusting to the divorce, you'll probably want to wait longer to introduce a love interest than you would if you were divorced for years.

The same is true if one of your spouses passed away. Your partner's hesitation likely has nothing to do with how they feel about you.

That said, at some point, you'll have to determine whether you're comfortable continuing your relationship in a holding pattern. Only you can know the answer to that, and after doing some soul-searching, your intuition should tell you.

This is true of any situation, not just introducing kids. If you're uncomfortable with how your relationship is progressing after a certain amount of time, you need to initiate a conversation with your partner. Their response will tell you all you need to know.

Why You Want To Become Exclusive

By removing your online dating profiles or taking down your dating apps, what are you hoping to achieve? Your answer should have something to do with you and your partner wanting to focus on each other without distraction. Or a show to each other that you're both committed enough to explore the possibility of a deeper relationship.

What removing online dating profiles should not have to do with is one of you trying to control the other. If you're doing it because you're feeling possessive of the other person, check yourself. Healthy relationships involve both partners having space to live their lives.

Whether There's Mutual Agreement

If you've gone through your analysis and you've decided you want to become exclusive with the person you're dating for all of the "right" reasons, and taking your online dating profile down makes perfect sense to you, you're halfway there. Congratulations!

Now, all you need to figure out is whether your partner is on the same page as you. Because if they aren't, you really need to rethink your decision.

Taking down your profile from an online dating site or app should be a mutual decision between both of you. It's a decision that demonstrates a willingness to give your relationship a more serious look.

If one of you isn't willing to make that showing, for whatever reason, you need to evaluate whether you're OK with this imbalance. I personally don't recommend taking yourself out of circulation if the person you're dating won't do the same.

As Maya Angelou famously said, "Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I must say, I agree. 

How You Want To Proceed Now That You've Communicated With Each Other

Deciding what to do next is by far the most important consideration. If you've communicated with your partner openly and honestly about your intentions and have given serious thought about your reasons for or against taking down your online dating profile or deleting your apps, you're in a solid position to make an informed decision about your future.

The purpose of being in a relationship is to feel good in it and with the person that you're dating. If someone tells you they're not ready to go to the next level, you need to check in with yourself about how that makes you feel.

If you're satisfied with your partner's reasons for not wanting to go offline just yet, or they're satisfied with yours, and you want to table the issue, for now, I recommend putting a date on the calendar to check back with each other about how your relationship is going.

Everyone has goals about what they hope to achieve from their relationship, whether it's companionship, partnership, marriage, or children. You should never feel you have to sacrifice what you want in your life to be in the company of someone who may or may not be sure about you.

Remember, even though it may feel like someone else is calling the shots, you're always in charge of your own love life. And your happiness.   

How To Communicate Effectively in Your Online Dating Profile Without Sounding Negative

When you sit down to write the bio in your online dating profile, you face the challenge of conveying who you are and what you want in a relationship using only a few hundred words. That can be difficult to do, let alone jump off the screen sounding optimistic, especially if you haven't had much luck with online dating in the past.

The result can be a struggle you may not be consciously aware of — and that's balancing positivity with getting your message across clearly. And what's your message? That you're worth getting to know better and looking to meet a special someone who meets a set of criteria that you've established. In other words, you want your dating profile to be somewhat self-selecting.

Below are a few tips to help you reel the right people in and rule the wrong people out — tastefully and tactfully.

Be clear in your online dating profile about what you want, not what you don't.

When using online dating, you should set your sights on finding an individual who shares the same relationship goals as you. After spending more than 30 years as a matchmaker, this is by far the strongest indicator a couple will form a lasting bond with each other.

How do I know? I've seen too many clients face disappointment when the person they've been dating hasn't been upfront about whether they want something casual, companionship, a committed relationship, or marriage. Of course, situations can change, but that's the exception, not the rule, and something you should never count on.

The people who do count on a change of heart are the ones who give online dating the reputation of being a "waste of time." However, I believe online dating can overcome this reputation when people communicate and listen more clearly. In other words, make your intentions known in your profile — if you're looking for a long-term match, write that. If you're looking for something casual, be aboveboard about that, too. Then take into consideration the words of others.

True, some daters will ignore what you're looking for in your profile and match with you anyway. So when you talk to a new match, ask clearly but respectfully about what their intentions for a relationship are. I must emphasize with respect because if you come on too strong too soon, even if you share the same goals, they might feel overwhelmed and not want to continue talking to you anyway. The same goes for criticizing their choice.

If your goals don't align, go your separate ways stress-free. If, on the other hand, the person you're communicating with says they don't know what they want but are willing to see where things go, consider this to be a red flag, too. You're looking for someone who already knows.

Often, when people don't have their relationship goals established yet, they're not ready to date, at least seriously. Those folks are better off spending more time single and defining their relationship needs with other people. Not you.

Don’t be too specific (aka mean) in your online dating profile.

 And I'm saying this in more than a tonal sense. While scrolling through online dating profiles, you will inevitably come across those in which a user lists standards for potential matches to meet. For instance, "No men under 6 feet." Or "No women over a certain weight." Even if you meet the criteria they demand, would you want to match with this person?

I wouldn't. The reason is the profile and person behind it sounds negative. This person is already tearing down others rather than building them up. If you want to date people with particular physical qualities, you might want to think twice about your mindset, or at a minimum, going to that extreme in your profile.

Filtering people based on superficial qualities significantly reduces the dating pool. It makes it more difficult to find a match because it causes others to overlook you automatically. After all, they believe they won't fit the bill, even if they could. Nobody likes rejection, and you're expressing a higher likelihood for them to experience it. Not to mention, you don't come off as open-minded or likable.

Your online dating profile shouldn't communicate to others how they might not be good enough for you. Instead, your online dating profile should present an authentic version of you that inspires others to ask for more information about your life. For instance, if you're looking for someone who isn't overweight, discuss how you like to exercise and want a companion interested in physical fitness as well.

Don't forget to express an interest in learning about those who visit your profile, too. People usually jump at the opportunity to talk about themselves, so make yourself an enticing audience.

Avoid self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm in your online dating profile.

After reading thousands of online dating profiles, self-deprecating jokes and sarcasm rarely translate to well-written profiles. Instead, they come off as bitter or present you as someone with low self-esteem.

A sarcastic quip is OK as long as it keeps the profile feeling lighthearted and upbeat. But this is harder to achieve than you might think. I'm much more of a fan of putting your best foot forward, not your best oddly large foot forward. Do you hear the difference?

Bottom line: hold yourself in high regard, so others will, too. The best relationships happen when two people like and respect each other, which means you have to like and respect yourself first.

What It's Really Like To Work With a Matchmaker

When the New York Times article, "What It's Like to Work With a Matchmaker," appeared in my feed, I nearly dropped my coffee mug. I had just hung up the phone with a San Francisco Bay Area client, where I base my business, now in its 31st year.  

My client, a 79-year-old woman, and I had discussed an upcoming date I set up for her. A man, in his early seventies, had asked her if she would like to meet for a walk through one of my area's favorite scenic routes, and if they felt a spark, an outside sit-down for coffee, perhaps a light lunch.  

Though a bit nervous, my client was excited. It had been a few years since her husband, the love of her life, her partner, her best friend, had died. She missed him, his quirkiness and the way he touched her hair when the sun caught it just right, the way he listened attentively to the poetry she wrote. And the moments she listened to his, and the verses they wrote together.  

We had had many conversations together before I set up that first date. I wanted to learn as much as I could about her, and not just from the detailed questionnaire I require all of my clients to complete.  

I needed to hear her story from her mouth, see the way her lips formed a smile when she reminisced about how her husband burned the toast one morning or how they were late to their daughter's dance recital 40 years earlier. I had to hear for myself why her involvement with a charity she sits on the board on moves her the way it does.  

I can say the same for each of my clients — the 30-year-old free-spirited woman who recently purchased her first home. The late-sixties divorced Silicon Valley techie, author, and art lover who would love to find a partner to share with his love of Eastern philosophy and meditation. And my never-married east coaster who is happiest when on the water and would love a sailing mate.  

We talk. As their matchmaker, as the person who helps convey their life, the dreams they've realized, and the ones they still hope to, to others and on paper through unique story-like dating profiles I write, I help them see their value and the value in those I introduce them to, even if that introduction doesn't develop. We move on, assessing and then taking the rejection, disappointment, or relief they may feel in stride.    

As a matchmaker, I get my clients to contextualize their lives up to the point that we begin working together, so they are in the best possible position to meet the person they seek — a friend, a companion, a lover, or a spouse. As a matchmaker, I put a spotlight on why they haven't had success in the past, on the passages and events in their lives that might still be holding them back. We figure them out. 

And as a matchmaker, one who values the people who come to me, who sees them as individuals and not a mere registration fee, I put potential matchmaking clients on pause if I realize they aren't ready for what they say they are. In doing so, I help them by giving them the time they need, and I help my other clients by giving them access to the strongest possible network of eligible singles who are open to possibilities.  

My circle of clients needs to be filled with individuals who are ready to love — or like. But no amount of promises I make or matches I send to a potential client could ever make them ready. They need to do the work first, which, if they are interested in doing, I can assist them through coaching. I do this by getting them ready to meet new people and date. Yes, dating requires a specific set of skills. People can be taught, and they can learn — from the right teacher. 

The services I offer, which combine online dating with my private network and rest on one-on-one coaching whenever they want or need it (I never turn my phone off to my clients), are what's allowed me to be in this business as long as I have. And why so many of my clients, and the partners and spouses they met through me, are today my friends. 

As the Times article mentions via the Bay Area dating consultant interviewed, there are many new faces in the matchmaking industry, particularly as the need for them during the pandemic and all the dating challenges that came with the pandemic grew. I have seen this phenomenon as well; Every Tiffany, Dylan, and Hillary is a matchmaker. After all, the shingle they hung and a cool landing page says so.   

But not all matchmakers are the same. The Times article says as much. Just not why.  

After three decades as a matchmaker, this is what I can tell you: A good matchmaker is not defined only by the tangible services their clients pay for; a good matchmaker is defined by the intangible ones they don't — honesty, friendship, and genuine interest.        

What Do I Do if My Friends Don't Like the Person I'm Dating?

Introducing someone you're dating to your friends can feel like a significant and exciting step in a relationship, especially if you regularly see your friends and consider them to be members of your family. It can also be stressful. You want your friends to like your new significant other, as that person is now someone you care about, too, and it's nice when all the people you care about get along.

But now that you've introduced your significant other to your friends, they just aren't seeing this person the same way you are. It's tricky, and you find yourself asking the following question over and over: Who should I believe, my friends or my significant other? Below are a few factors to consider when your friends don't like the person you're dating.

Find out why your friends don't like your new partner.

Upon finding out that your friends don't like the person you're dating, you may feel hurt and upset with your friends. You can’t believe it. Why would they do this to you? An important factor to consider is that your friends built up the courage to tell you they think this way, so there must be a reason. You may need to look past your emotions and hear out the reasoning behind their judgment.

When you're in a relationship, you lack the third-person objectivity that the people around you have. In other words, there may be behaviors and dynamics within your relationship that you would consider red flags if you saw them in someone else’s relationship but are unable to perceive because it’s your own.

If your friends cite legitimate red flag behaviors from your new partner, such as openly flirting with others or putting you down, consider taking what they’re saying seriously. They likely have your best interests at heart.

However, if your friends say they "just don't like them," consider other reasons why they might feel this way.

A gut feeling can be on the mark, but your friends may have other specific reasons for not liking someone you're dating. One of the most common reasons is jealousy. A close friend may feel jealous of all of the attention you’ve been giving to your new partner instead of them.

Additional possibilities are that a friend is jealous that you're seeing someone while they're not. Or a friend has feelings for the person you're involved with, and you aren't aware of this. Any of these scenarios, or other ones, could be the reason, so ask your friends outright about their reasons for disliking your partner. Hopefully, they’ll be honest with you.

Consider how well your significant other makes a good first impression.

Not everyone is great at getting people to like them, at least not at first. Some are charming, while others take time to warm up to those around them. Still, others can be shy or anxious in social situations.

You know the person you're dating better than your friends. Did you instantly fall for this individual, or did it take you some time to tear down their walls and finally see them for who they are? If it took you time, it might take your friends some time, too. So be patient with them.

You shouldn't need to choose between your friends and the person you're dating.

If your friends have told you they don't like the person you're with, and it's not because your significant other is mistreating you, it doesn't mean you need to or should cut anyone out of your life. As long as your friends can be civil and respectful to your significant other, which is also a sign they have respect for you, you should feel comfortable making time for everyone you care about, even if everyone can't be in the same room at once. Who knows, your friends may even warm up to your significant other one day.

But even if they don't, remember, good friends and good partners will never force you to choose between them. Not to mention, the opinion that matters most is the one you have. So ask yourself: Are you happy?

Is COVID-19 Vaccine Status the New Game-Changer on Online Dating Sites?

The pandemic has, without a doubt, transformed dating. To comply with health restrictions, daters got creative and placed their love lives in the hands of technology and online dating platforms more than they ever did before.  

Conversations changed. Daters asked each other whether they'd had the virus, if they were taking precautions by socially distancing from others, and whether they were willing to take a new relationship slower than they would have during pre-COVID-19 times. And now, as the vaccine rollout gains momentum, daters are asking a couple of new questions. They are:  

• Have you had the vaccine yet, and 

• Are you open to receiving it when it's your turn? 

According to a recent survey conducted by the dating platform Plenty of Fish, the answer can make a difference. Over half of the single people surveyed said that if a potential match revealed they had no intention of getting vaccinated, it would be enough to turn them away.     

As a modern-day matchmaker, part of my job is to help my clients have the most successful dating experience possible. That means identifying and helping my clients identify the people with whom they would be the most compatible. Vaccine status may be just the latest way to predict whether two people will get along. 

What a potential match's thoughts about the COVID-19 vaccine status might say about them. 

Communicating skepticism (or enthusiasm) about the new vaccine could become a jumping-off point for finding out how a potential match feels about political issues, healthcare, and whether they are ethical (i.e., have they jumped the line to get the vaccine, and how do they feel about people who do?)  

Indeed, the ongoing pandemic has created countless social ramifications, many of which we have yet to observe. And people have conflicting opinions, many of which can become evident simply by asking whether a potential match has been vaccinated or plans to be.  

Should you add your COVID-19 status to your online dating profile? 

It depends. A risk of doing so is matching because of COVID-19, not chemistry. Since the pandemic began last March, many daters have found themselves in precisely such situations, questioning whether their relationship had more depth and meaning to it than the mere fact they were convenient to each other at a time when dating proved challenging.  

If you can look at vaccine status as one way, not the primary way, to judge a match's viability, then advertise away. Think of your new status as just another checkbox next to those that include whether you smoke, hike, or want kids.  

Some people will see your lacking the vaccine as a barrier to entry while others won't, or as a plus if you have received it. Still others won't care either way, depending on how they feel about your profile in its entirety. 

Remember that a COVID-19 vaccine can limit risk for in-person dates but not alleviate it. 

Though the vaccine's effects are still being analyzed and will be for the foreseeable future, Dr. Fauci clearly says that although the vaccine protects COVID-19, it is not a Get Out of Jail Free card. That means even those who have been vaccinated still need to take precautions — for themselves and those around them, especially the people who haven't yet received the vaccine and have no immunity against the disease. 

Even so, the protection offered by the vaccine is proving to make matches who have been vaccinated more appealing than those who have not. Instances of daters posting their vaccine status on their profiles are becoming more frequent. It seems only logical they would; earlier in the pandemic, it wasn't uncommon for users to put in their dating profiles that they were COVID negative or that they had COVID-19 antibodies (meaning they tested positive and recovered). 

But until the powers that be tell us we are all in the clear and out of harm's way from COVID-19, think of others' safety as you would your own. It is the right thing to do, not to mention being thoughtful and considerate of others will make you more appealing than any vaccine ever could. 

I’m a Professional Matchmaker. Here’s How To Choose Which Photos To Include in Your Online Dating Profile.

Creating the perfect online dating profile can seem like a challenging task. How do you decide which pictures to feature and which ones to scrap? The poses? What about the correct number of photos? For the record, I believe five to seven images are best. It's sufficient to give the viewer an idea about who you are while still leaving enough room for their imagination to take over, urging them to make the first move.  

As a matchmaker who utilizes online dating to help my clients get the broadest possible array of potential matches, I believe that taking a holistic approach to online dating profiles results in the most success for singles, especially those over 50. Meaning, I envision the perfect online dating profile to be one that accurately represents the dater through words and images in equal part. Both should tell a story. 

Your online dating photos should tell a story about you just as your write-up does. 

Just as your written description does, your online dating profile photos should serve as a photographic story about you. Think of it this way: if online dating sites are like virtual bars, then the profiles on them are essentially the virtual people sitting at said bars, which means you need to look your best in your photos, just as you would want to in person. 

However, applying this idea to creating an online dating profile can be tricky. What will work and what won't? Below are five simple tips I have put together to help you create a well-rounded and, most importantly, genuine profile that will inspire other users to swipe right on you — because they want to meet you, not some imaginary version of you. 

1. Take a close-up image of your face for your online dating profile.  

Sorry, I know what you're thinking. But, trust me, posting a close-up, especially as the first photo in the gallery, will save you time in the long run. Potential matches need to see what you look like to know if they want to swipe on you. Often, online daters make this decision in a split second. Not to mention, any viable match is going to want to know what you look like, for real. That's why your first picture to be one that clearly shows off your facial features.  

This picture (as well as the rest of the photos on your profile) must be recent, too, as it's a classic online dating nightmare to show up to a date only to meet someone who looks nothing like their photos. Seeing a match's disappointment written across their face right in front of you is much more painful than never seeing it all because they swiped left, keeping their rejection of you private. Hey, don't take it personally; you do the same thing to others.  

Taking a close-up photo may make you nervous, especially if you're insecure about the way you look. But part of dating is putting yourself out there. So, set aside time to make yourself presentable, put on your favorite outfit, take some pictures, and have some fun.  

A selfie or two is fine, but you should also include pictures someone else takes of you. If no one's around to help because of the ongoing pandemic or otherwise, try positioning the phone to take a photo of you from a distance and use the timer function to give yourself a few moments to pose. 

2. Use a full-body shot in your online dating profile. 

The full-body shot is another photo that you may find similarly nerve-wracking. Many people may feel insecure about their bodies and shudder at the mere prospect of posting pictures featuring their bodies online. If you're one of them, remember, the person you meet online will want to meet you in person, too, so it's best to be upfront. 

Also, in a brick and mortar setting such as a bar, you cannot hide your body. Like it or not, body shape is one factor that influences attraction. The good news is everyone has different tastes, which means there are people out there who will be attracted to you, whatever your body type is. Why not give those people a fair shot at finding you? 

3. Include a few action shots in your online dating profile. 

I believe that action shots are what will set your profile apart from the rest. Think of your online dating profile as a visual summary of who you are as a person. These are the photos where you can get creative and show potential matches who you are and how you live.  

What are your hobbies and interests? Do you like to cook? Travel? Practice yoga? Swim? Just name it; I guarantee you can take a photo of yourself doing it. Don't only mention it in your profile either; show it. Here's another tip: beautiful and exotic landscapes can be fascinating to look at but will be even better if you're in them.  

4. Limit group photos in your online dating profile. 

You may have read elsewhere that it's a good idea to include group photos with people of the same sex in your online dating profile because of the "Cheerleader Effect." The Cheerleader Effect holds that people of the same sex in group photos look more attractive when together. However, if you include too many group shots, a potential match may not feel like playing "Where's Waldo" and swipe left out of laziness or frustration. 

My advice is to include individual photos of yourself first, and if there's a group photo you think you look particularly attractive in, add it toward the end of your profile. Just make sure whoever is looking at it can quickly identify you in it.  

5. Add a photo with your pet in your online dating profile if you are a pet owner. 

Research has shown that including a photo in your online dating profile of you with your pet, particularly a dog, will make a person more likely to match with you. Cats, unfortunately, not so much. 

According to a survey, more than one-third of people who swiped right on an online dating profile that included a dog photo did so to meet the dog. So, if you're wondering whether you should have a picture of your pooch in your profile, consider this a clear sign to go ahead. That dog of yours may turn out to be the best friend — and wingman — you ever had. 

How To Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You’re in a New(ish) Relationship Without Making it Weird

When you're just starting out in a new relationship, Valentine's Day can feel uncertain. The holiday of love and romance can represent a level of intimacy that you and your new(ish) partner may have simply not achieved yet.

Perhaps you've only been dating for a couple of months or have only been on a few dates. Or maybe you're not exclusive yet, or haven't talked about where you stand. Should you celebrate Valentine's Day? Should you ignore it altogether? The questions can be anxiety-ridden.

As a professional matchmaker, I recognize that, as my clients begin new relationships, the topic of commitment surrounding Valentine's Day can be tricky. So, I urge them to understand their relationship and utilize communication to work at their own pace.

Below are my suggestions for how to navigate a new relationship on Valentine's Day.

Talk about Valentine's Day with the person you're dating beforehand.

It may seem daunting to bring up Valentine's Day because it feels awkward and potentially ushers in the dreaded "What (or where) are we?" conversation, but, as I always emphasize, open communication is necessary for any relationship to succeed. And if Valentine's Day presents enough of a conflict or sense of uncertainty for you and your relationship, then it's something you should talk about with your new partner.

That said, you don't need to make a big deal of Valentine's Day either. Gauge your partner's interest in the holiday. Perhaps they despise it, referring to it as a "Hallmark holiday," and don't want to celebrate it at all. Or maybe they think celebrating Valentine's Day is a huge step in a relationship, signifying a serious, committed relationship, and leave the conversation at that.

Either way, you won't know how your partner feels about Valentine's Day until you talk about it with them. But when you do, keep the conversation light — and the bunnies in the garden (not in a pot of water) where they belong.

Do something low key for Valentine's Day.

When you're dating someone new, it's important to be able to pace your relationship comfortably. You don't want to get serious too fast, but you don't want to stagnate either. Valentine's Day can serve as a balancing act for the growth of your relationship. Maybe you and your partner have built enough of a bond that you want to spend Valentine's Day together, but you don't want to be serious about it or your relationship quite yet.

Planning a date for Valentine's Day commensurate with your level of intimacy can result in a successful and, just as important, fun night. There's no need to pressure yourselves into booking an expensive dinner and eating a meal surrounded by "serious" couples giving each other lovey-dovey looks, or even proposing! Not to mention we're still in the throes of a global pandemic, making traditional celebration options a little more complicated, which may be a silver lining in this particular situation.

So why not do something more low key such as cooking together at home and then cuddling up on the couch together with some hot cocoa while watching a movie? Or schedule a romantic walk or hike. Or maybe plan a casual celebration with a small group, virtually or in-person and socially distant, and ask your current love interest to join.

How creative you and your partner get will speak volumes about how romantic — and interested — you both are. Keep an open mind and be realistic about the time you've spent together thus far, so you don't set yourself up for disappointment. A little effort can still mean a lot given where you are in your relationship.

Discuss whether you want to exchange gifts for Valentine's Day.

Another topic you should talk about with your partner beforehand: gifts. Gift-giving can be tricky and likely awkward because, in a way, gifts can signify the level of commitment you and your partner feel toward each other. A costly gift, for instance, can suggest a serious relationship. So if you're just starting out with a new partner, perhaps save the jewelry for a future Valentine's Day.

Without proper communication beforehand, one person will inevitably show up with a more expensive gift than the other, leaving both of you feeling weird about the situation. So consider agreeing on a price limit or not give anything to avoid any awkwardness.

Don't celebrate Valentine's Day at all.

There's no written rule saying you must celebrate Valentine's Day together. February 14th is merely another day on the calendar; it doesn't have to be Valentine's Day per se. However, there's no reason you have to be apart on this particular Day either and not see each other.

Why not schedule a regular date for Valentine's Day? You don't have to go all out with romance; just continue along the current trajectory with your new partner.

Again, a discussion beforehand can play an important role in keeping everyone's expectations in check and not having an elephant in the room during your non-valentine Valentine's Day date. No one likes a third wheel.

Make other plans for Valentine's Day instead.

Avoid the conflict altogether by doing something else on Valentine's Day, and no, I don't mean by going on a date with someone new. I'm thinking something more along the lines of planning to hang out (virtually or in a small group) with your friends instead.

Making alternative plans eases the pressure of what to do on Valentine's Day quickly with your new partner. Even if the question comes up and one or both of you don't feel ready to share the day, you can't meet up anyway because you're already busy. Who knows, that new boo of yours — or you — may have a change of heart tomorrow.

How to Beat the Rejection Mindset When Using Online Dating

Online dating offers singles the opportunity to meet more people than they ever could using traditional methods — in person or through introductions. Logic would, therefore, dictate that more people than ever before should be in relationships. Instead, the opposite is true: more people than ever before are single. So why, then, do all of these interactions over online dating never seem to work out? 

A 2019 study hypothesizes the existence of a "rejection mindset," in which the continuous exposure to seemingly endless potential matches makes people feel more pessimistic about finding a partner, continuing a cycle of rejection. It results in less satisfaction with dating, in general, and, for women, especially, a lower likelihood of finding a match. 

Thus, the question becomes: How do singles beat the rejection mindset to put themselves in a position to meet their ideal match? 

Don't take rejection while dating online personally. 

 When someone doesn't match with you, or if someone talks to you then un-matches or "ghosts," or if you go out with someone a couple of times and the interaction fizzles, and it happens repeatedly, you may begin to internalize why you haven't experienced success. You may think it's because you're boring, not good-looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, or whatever "not enough" you can come up with at the moment. As a result, you develop this rejection mindset. 

It's critical to remember that there's more to your online dating experience than what meets the eye, meaning you don't necessarily know what's going on in someone else's life when you speak with them. Perhaps the person who ghosted you did so because they aren't sure of their romantic intentions. Or maybe an ex re-entered the picture. Or perhaps something happened in their personal life that caused them to step away from dating, such as a parent becoming sick. It could be anything; don't assume it's always because of you. Usually, it isn't. 

Don't let online dating rejection deter you. 

Everyone experiences setbacks or failures now and again — at work, with hobbies, and, yes, in their dating lives. But that doesn't mean you're a failure as a person; it just means you're human. If you internalize your dating "fails," couching them as such, and act as though you're a failure, then that will be the message you send to others, including romantic interests. Most people don't react well to pessimism, which would continue to feed a cycle of rejection. 

Experiencing a so-called failure, such as not landing a date with a match you find appealing or getting dumped, is universal. But the key to success is that you don't let it get you down or give up on dating altogether. After a disappointment, you must get back up and try again, with your head held high. Optimism and positive energy are attractive to others. If you view yourself as a success, others will, too. And when rejection inevitably happens, you won't feel rejected. Or, if you do, you won't care as much. 

Recognize that when using dating sites, you reject other people, too. 

Just as you’re looking to find a match, everyone else is doing the same. So when you're perusing profiles and choose to swipe left, you are, in effect, rejecting that person. But are you rejecting that person because you view them as a failure as a human being? Hopefully not. It's most likely that this person doesn't appear to be a good fit for you. That could be for a variety of reasons, such as living too far away, them communicating different relationship goals from yours, or not being physically appealing — to you.  

Rejecting other people while looking for a match isn't something to feel badly about; it's a part of dating. When other people reject you, it's crucial to maintain perspective and understand that rejection is a given in the grand scheme of dating. Everyone must choose between their options. Not everyone will choose you, just as you will not choose everyone else. 

When using online dating, think about why that person might have rejected you. 

A difficult question but one necessary to ask is: "Why did this person reject me?" And no, the answer is not because you're an unlovable person. It's most likely because some aspect of your profile made you not a match for this person. If it's something to do with where you live, you might not be able or willing to change that. If you're a brunette and someone searching wants a blonde, and that's what causes them not to feel attracted to you, so be it. 

But if it's your attitude that's holding you back, you can address it. What's the tone of your profile? Are you saying what you don't want instead of what you do ("No fat guys." "No one below six-foot-one.")? Try leading with the positive instead of the negative. Additionally, when you start talking to potential matches and going on dates, how's your body language? Are you slouching or looking away? What are you saying?  

If, for instance, you appear to have a cloud of misery over your head — you hate your job, the guy in the next office, your ex — and are gesticulating wildly, try casually and enthusiastically discussing what you like most and what you hope to achieve out of your life. If you're having trouble in these areas, it's likely because you feel bad about yourself inside. Practicing self-care could help you address those issues and communicate more positively. 

Don't let online dating, and dating in general, rule your life. 

When you're talking to someone new, a frequent discussion will be about the hobbies you're both involved in or how you spend your free time. Ask yourself: Do I have a life outside of dating? Friends? A career? Charitable endeavors? Hobbies? 

The answer should be yes to this critical question. Because if you don't have interests apart from dating, your reasons for dating may likely be due to you wanting someone else to fill a void you feel in yourself. Others will recognize this, whether immediately or as they get to know you better, the result of which won't be good for you or your relationship if you even get that far.  

Having an identity outside of your romantic partner is essential to building and sustaining a healthy and long-lasting relationship. That means dating should be one aspect of your life, not your entire life. Don't let it define your worth. You're worth so much more. 

How Will the Events of 2020 Affect Dating Trends in 2021?

I think it's safe to say 2020 was nothing like anyone expected when we watched the ball drop a little more than a year ago. Though we had no idea what was in store for us, we were on the cusp of a global pandemic, a modern-day civil rights movement, and one of the most cut-throat presidential elections in U.S. history. None of these circumstances made it easy to date, let alone live our lives as we once did. 

With a vaccination effort now underway, more self-awareness about racism, and a new administration coming into office, I've spent the last week or so thinking about what we can expect for singles in the coming year. Despite the challenges we've faced during the past 10 months, I'm optimistic about the dating landscape in 2021, and not only because my clients have already demonstrated how resilient they are, finding love in the direst of circumstances.  

I'm hopeful because I believe the hardships singles had to contend with last year made them better daters. Based on my work with clients for more than three decades, these are my predictions for how the events of 2020 will affect dating trends in 2021. 

Slower dating  

One consequence arising from the events of 2020 is that daters are taking more time to get to know romantic partners and take things slow. According to a new study released by OkCupid, 84 percent of those surveyed believe it's important to make an emotional connection before a physical connection. During a pandemic, when making a physical connection puts you at risk for more than a broken heart, it only makes sense that the current trend is to build connections slowly, step by step. 

Open-mindedness  

As a direct result of the pandemic, virtual dating has grown in prominence among daters who might have been used to meeting singles only in person — at bars, the gym, work, even the grocery store. With much of these scenarios off the table, singles understand there's less need to limit their search to just their area. According to the OkCupid study, there has been a 50 percent increase in connections and conversations between matches that live in different countries, resulting from more and more people setting their locations to "anywhere." 

In a broad sense, people are increasingly dating outside of their comfort zone, reflecting a rise in inter-religious and interracial dating. According to the study, people are now 15 percent more likely to match with someone with a different religious background and 10 percent more likely to match with someone with a different racial background than they were before the pandemic. This result might be due to increased cultural and racial awareness, in addition to a willingness to cast a larger net. 

Conscious dating  

With less of an ability to go out and meet people and a need to place a more considerable emphasis on socially distant dating, daters are thinking more carefully about how they allocate their time to potential matches. If they don't see a future with a match or soon figure out they have different relationship goals, they have less incentive to continue interacting. With less background noise in their lives, with fewer distractions, daters are paying attention, listening to the little voice inside of them that says when they should give a match a try, continue dating a particular person, stay in a relationship, or leave one. 

More fine-tuned dating 

With conscious dating also comes narrower relationship goals and expectations. People are more willing than ever to apply what they want from their more abstract dating goals to the dating process specifically. Daters are taking their goals to task by setting their sights on only viable matches (this person is interested in getting married one day, is open to relocating, etc.) and consider what a "good" date will look like to them. If they don't see what they're looking for, they continue their search.  

A willingness to give a serious relationship a try  

According to the study, five million people on OkCupid believe that couples should live together before getting married. The pandemic made it such that couples started living together quicker, as one million people on OkCupid indicated how they dislike living alone. Socially distancing during the pandemic heightened this sentiment, opening daters' minds to another new possibility that they might not have considered before. 

True, living together more quickly might not appear to be in line with a slower dating process at first glance. But when you consider how living together is a means to explore a monogamous relationship, it does indicate a dating slowdown. Indeed, the stakes are higher because you're putting in a lot more of yourself upfront, but with higher stakes can come higher payouts, particularly if that payout is the relationship you've been looking for all your life.  

This article originally appeared in Marin Magazine

17 Everyday Practices to Strengthen Your Relationship in the New Year

My clients come to me because they want a relationship. Most people do. As human beings, we're social creatures. We crave connection, and when we haven't had a romantic one for a while, we desire it, no matter how filled our lives are with friends, career, and hobbies. That's nature. 

Once we find a connection, we want to preserve it. Often, that proves problematic if we slip back into old ways — working too much, staying within ourselves, and just getting caught up in our own, let's say, mishigas. That's also nature. 

It's why we need to stay proactive about the romantic relationships we cherish — so our instincts don't take over and destroy what we have built or are in the process of building. To be clear, I'm not a fan of the expression "Relationships are hard work." It implies relationships are this tiring, draining experience. And let's face it, the prospect of having to work hard at something, something else, isn't always appealing.  

Instead, think of a relationship as a living organism that each partner needs to nurture and care for every day — in small amounts, little by little, and not in the same way. In other words, taking care of your relationship shouldn't feel like a daily chore but rather an experience you have, one that energizes you as much as you energize it.  

How do you do that? Visualize your relationship as a collection of touchpoints. None is more important than the other. However, for your relationship to survive, you must touch all of them regularly. If you miss one repeatedly, it can, over time, drain the rest and the relationship overall. Here are 17 touchpoints to consider.   

Prioritize your relationship. 

We hear this a lot, and it's excellent advice. However, I believe it can become a slippery slope, especially if you're trying to save a relationship. Yes, make your relationship a priority, but don't make it your only one. If you do, you will lose yourself, and at some point down the line, you — and your relationship — won't be able to withstand the burden anymore. 

Communicate.  

Pissed off your girlfriend left her towel on the bathroom floor? Angry that your boyfriend left his wine glass on the coffee table? Appreciate the birthday cake your wife baked for your birthday or the dinner your husband cooked last night? Tell them. If something's bothering you, get it out into the open. Don't fester about it, engage in passive-aggressive behavior with them, or take your frustration out on someone else or yourself. 

As I mentioned above in my examples, communication can also be positive, so if you have something nice to say, want to express your appreciation, love, or want to share about your day, go for it. Your partner wants to know they're a fundamental part of your life. And that includes all the elements of your life — the good, the bad, and the ugly.  

Listen.  

To communicate well, you need to listen well. When your partner shares with you, they're not only telling you what they picked up at the market or what happened that day at work. As they communicate, your partner gives you a glimpse into who they are. Between the lines, your partner will tell you what they care about and how they feel about you, life, and themselves. Pay attention. Listening shows you care. 

Argue. 

Do you think arguing shows you have problems in your relationship? Think again. Healthy couples disagree from time to time, and it doesn't have to be about something serious like that extra-long look your husband noticed you giving the trainer at the gym.  

A healthy argument could be about politics, whether you want to go to that dinner party on Saturday night, or about what color to paint the living room. When done positively and with respect (no name-calling or insults), arguing can strengthen a relationship. It's part of communicating.  

Give each other space. 

In a healthy relationship, both partners have their own lives. They're not on top of each other all the time. Each partner has friends and interests outside their relationship. Sometimes those friends and interests intersect; other times, they don't. 

If you're having an argument or your partner hurts your feelings, and you begin to lose control or perspective, take a step back from the situation. Get some air, go for a walk, or leave the room. Alone time can change the way the landscape looks.   

Have self-respect. 

One of the best ways to contribute to your relationship's health is to have self-respect. When you do, you're not afraid to stand up for yourself if necessary.  

You also are comfortable expressing your wants and needs in the relationship. You value yourself and communicate this to your partner. 

Respect your partner. 

No self-respecting person mistreats their partner. Abuse, physical, verbal, and emotional, comes from a place of self-loathing. If you find yourself mistreating your partner, ask yourself why. Not to mention, if you treat your parent with disrespect, why would you expect them to treat you any better? It's more likely they will come to resent or despise you.   

Treating your partner with indifference is not respecting your partner either. If you genuinely don't care about what they say or feel, or about being with them at all, give them the respect they deserve by either working on your relationship or leaving.  

Practice self-care.  

A person who has self-respect takes steps to care for themselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Set aside time every day just for you. Meditate, journal, exercise, take a hot bath, make yourself a fantastic cup of coffee or a meal. Do whatever you love to do, even if it's for only a few minutes. It will do wonders for your attitude and enthusiasm for life.  

Connect with your partner. 

Make a point to connect with your partner daily. I know life gets crazy, and you can pass your spouse on the way to the kitchen without even looking up from your phone. Stay conscious not to do this. Check in with them often. Face your partner when you speak to them. Look into their eyes. Touch them when you talk. 

Be honest. 

Don't lie, period. Come to your partner from a place of honesty. White lies also count, as do lies of omissions. Causing feelings of doubt in your partner will only serve to undermine your relationship. 

Establish trust in your relationship. 

Honesty builds trust in a relationship. But remember not only to look for trust from your partner; show your partner they can trust you as well.  

Stand by your word. It's your most valued asset and what others will remember you for long after you're gone.   

Support your partner.  

Support is not the same as agreeing with your partner. You may think they won't get that promotion at work, believe they were the one at fault in an argument with a friend because of their overreaction, or won't sell that painting they've been working on for months. Your beliefs may turn out to be correct. It doesn't matter. 

Either way, you can still be a supportive partner. Be sure to encourage them to follow their ambitions and be empathetic about their feelings, making a concerted effort to understand why they feel as they do. Everyone wants to know their partner's in their corner.  

Don't go to bed mad. 

In any relationship, fights will occur. You will inevitably hurt your partner's feelings, and they will hurt yours. If you can't resolve the situation before bed, at least start the conversation about making that happen. Extending an olive branch and a good night's sleep go well together. 

Express love.  

Your partner may know you love them but tell them anyway. Often. The words can be affirming for both of you.  

Spend quality time together. 

That doesn't mean sitting on the couch with your partner while one of you watches TV and the other reads a book. Do something together. It can be a TV show or a movie if you're both engaged in it, especially now during a pandemic. 

Even better, go for a walk, a hike, or cook together so you can talk during the activity and catch up on life. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you're involved while you do it. 

Make time for intimacy. 

Sex is an essential part of most healthy relationships (I say most because there are exceptions: mutual agreement or illness, for example). Make time for sex. Schedule it if you have to, and if you aren't in the mood, give yourself a little push because you may get in the mood.  

Stay conscious about making your partner feel wanted. And if you're the one who's getting the cold shoulder, voice it. Your partner may not realize how the lack of intimacy in your relationship affects you. 

Forgive. 

Everyone makes mistakes, including in their relationship. However, sometimes, forgiveness for the past can take time. Be patient.  

If you feel your relationship is worth the effort, then when you're ready, apologize to your partner or accept an apology from them. Forgiveness, you see, is the highest form of love. "You can't forgive without loving. And I don't mean sentimentality. I don't mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, 'I forgive. I'm finished with it.'" —Maya Angelou 

11 Ways to Practice Self-Care When You're Dating

To date and do it well, you need to invest in the process. The best way to make the most of dating is, somewhat counterintuitively, not to focus on your date but, instead, to practice self-care. Like any venture, whether it's for work, a home improvement project, or preparing to run a triathlon, you're going to need your strength.  

You'd be surprised how long it takes to write a thoughtful dating profile. Or sort through hundreds if not thousands of profiles, strike up and maintain an intelligent conversation through text, email, phone calls, and Zoom, go out (even virtually) on a first date, follow up, and, if it feels right, continue dating. I won't even get into the work that has to go into a relationship once you get into one to keep it healthy and strong.  

The point is you need to take care of your mind and body throughout each of these stages. And it's not only to make yourself more appealing to the person you're dating, although that's part of it. It's also to ensure your head is in the game — the dating process and the people you're meeting themselves.  

Yes, everyone wants to feel they're getting the attention they deserve and a fair shot at the relationship they want. After all, your date's time, money, and energy are at stake, too. Not putting in your best effort affects others as much as it does you.  

So to have the best dating experience possible, I've come up with 11 straightforward ways to practice self-care when you're dating, which you can implement quite easily if you set your mind to it. Here they are.  

1. Get rest.  

We hear this all the time: get a good night's sleep every night. I know for myself, if I don't get in my Zs, I'm foggy the next day, and very likely the day after that. Dating requires thinking with a clear head. With every interaction, you need to make choices. Do I like this person? Is what they're telling me true? Does their lifestyle work with mine? Should I continue dating them? 

When you aren't getting enough sleep, you won't be as equipped to ask and, more importantly, answer these questions. Sleep will enable you to be analytical about the choices you're making. Plus, sleeping well and for enough time keeps your body healthy so that you can do many of the other things on this list. Not to mention, you will look better, too. I haven't met many people who look more attractive with dark circles under their eyes.  

2. Meditate.  

Many people, including myself, utilize meditation for many purposes. As it pertains to dating, meditation can be a useful tool to help you clarify your relationship goals: Why are you dating? What are you looking for in a date? How can you date better and smarter? 

If you're feeling stressed about the state of the (dating) world, meditation can provide the refresher you need to emerge crisp and clear-headed, ready and excited to find and build a new relationship. Meditation offers the added benefit of helping you relax, which you may find useful while on your dates, too. 

3. Journal.  

Journaling is a practical way to check-in with yourself. Beyond dating, how are things going in your life right now? How are you feeling mentally? Physically? And within the world of dating: How is your relationship progressing? Are you happy with the way your relationship is going? 

If you're a bit of an overthinker, journaling may be the remedy you need. If you're worried about something that you said, for example, you can write about it until your brain catches up with your emotions and realizes, "Oh, wow. I shouldn't worry about this anymore" or "I know how I can make this right." You can now carry on with your day having that weight lifted from your chest. 

4. Treat others well.  

Whether you're dating or not, take this advice to heart: Treat others with kindness and respect and how you would expect others to treat you. For example, even if you are sweet and kind to your date but rude to the waitstaff, your date will take note of it, and there may not be a next date.  

Plus, if you have any sense of decency, you'll feel bad afterward about the waitstaff and losing out on a potential relationship. If you don't, you may want to explore why and not date until you do. 

5. Spend time doing what you love.  

As a matchmaker, I've noticed that some people make the mistake of letting their partner become the center of their universe. Meaning, they lose their identity and, instead, become fixated on their relationship. Doing this can create a downward spiral, often resulting in heartbreak since you're no longer the person you represented yourself to be. 

To save your relationship (and your sanity), keep doing what you love. If you like reading, keep reading. If you like hiking, keep hiking. You existed before you met your partner; there's no reason why you can't exist apart from them now. Additionally, having outside interests will always give you something exciting to discuss with your partner, mainly because you're excited about it. 

6. Try new things.  

Opening yourself up to trying new food, hobbies, and experiences will keep you not only sharp but also intriguing to your partner. People tend to get bored when they do the same things over and over again. So why not enjoy a day trip to a museum with your partner, by yourself, or with friends? (OK, maybe not physically during a pandemic, but a virtual tour, perhaps?)  

Even outside of a relationship, it's healthy to sustain a sense of curiosity about the world around you. The experience of broadening our horizons and trying new things builds character and personality and honestly makes us more enjoyable to others when they talk to us.  

7. Groom.  

I cannot emphasize enough just how critical taking care of yourself is. I'm sure you've heard of the "love weight" that people gain at the start of a relationship, as they continuously go out to eat. But beyond that, when you start getting comfortable in a relationship, you may not take as much care with your hair, makeup, or outfits as you once did. 

Don't make that mistake! While it's nice to feel comfortable enough with someone that you don't feel like you have to take care of yourself, overall, you may end up feeling worse in the long run because if you don't look your best, you may not end up feeling your best. This mindset may harm you in other areas of your life, such as work and friendships. Again, the lack of grooming is a symptom of letting your relationship encompass your life, while, in reality, your relationship should be only one part of your life. 

8. Do what makes you feel good.  

If you aren't comfortable scheduling three dates in one week, don't. If you would prefer to have a call over Zoom versus the phone, express that. If you aren't yet comfortable being intimate, wait. And if you don't feel good about yourself when you're around someone you're dating, stop dating them. Sound simple? It is.   

9. Don't ruminate. 

I'm sorry to say but, with dating, anything goes. Some folks act nicer than others. And people don't always appreciate or realize how their behaviors affect those they interact with, even if the interactions are seemingly small. Inevitably, someone will ghost you (disappear without warning), say something offensive, or not behave as you would.  

Stop dwelling on it. Don't try to figure out why this person said what they did or acted a particular way. Move on because, quite likely, they're not thinking about you. And, to be honest, at that point, if they've mistreated you, you shouldn't care if they are.  

10. Live in the moment. 

I advise my clients to be clear about their dating and relationship goals, both to themselves and to the people they date. But I also tell them they need to let things happen naturally.  

Set up that timeline you have in your head but refrain from telling your date during a first meeting that if you don't get a ring at the end of six months, you're gone. I can pretty much guarantee your date will disappear long before you ever have to worry about it.  

Stop putting pressure on yourself and whoever you're seeing. Let your relationship unfold as it should. That's part of the beauty and excitement of dating.   

11. Take a break from dating if you need it.  

If dating starts to feel grating, or if everyone starts looking and sounding the same, take a break. Dating isn't only a means to an end. Dating should be enjoyable, even if the person you're out with isn't "The One." Most people you go out with won't be. So be kind to yourself. It's by far the best way to teach others how to treat you.  

A Look Back: What Has 2020 Taught You About Dating?

I've been in this business for more than three decades, working as both a modern-day matchmaker and relationship coach. But never before have my clients or I faced the dating challenges that we did this past year.

I know you've heard it before, but 2020 was unprecedented in so many ways. There aren't many of us left who lived through the Spanish flu of 1918 and are here to talk about it. Much more lethal than COVID-19, the Spanish flu could take hold after breakfast and leave its victim dead by lunch.

Yet, somehow, stories continued to emerge from those born during the Spanish flu who survived not one pandemic but two. Each one is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Faced with the threat of illness, or illness itself, the loss of loved ones and friends to COVID-19, financial stress, loneliness, changing lifestyles, and whatever else you can imagine a 21st-century pandemic could bring on, my clients continued to look for love through it all.

Using creative dating strategies that included Zoom, many socially distanced outdoor dates, and an incredible amount of patience, love prevailed. I had clients who met right before the pandemic adjust their usual dating behaviors to keep their new relationships going. I had other clients who opened themselves to alternative dating practices, particularly when it came to slowing down their dating timelines. And then still others who didn't let a big obstacle like a pandemic get in their way of giving dating a try for the first time in a long while, or for the umpteenth time.

I recently sat down with a few of the couples I've been counseling, couples I found partners for, a few of whom have weddings on the calendar for 2021. Forget a baby boom; 2021 is going to give us a wedding boom! (I better start dress shopping….)

Despite their success, whether engaged or simply enjoying the excitement a budding relationship brings, it wasn't necessarily easy for these couples to get to the point they are now. It's why, given the challenges of this past year and how it impacted their dating experiences, I wanted to hear my clients' takeaways.

Although we are all happy to say goodbye to 2020, life comes with unexpected situations. Because of that, I think it's worth taking a few moments to remember how we survived and thrived during this one. Here's what they said.

"If you always have an excuse for why you can't date, then you shouldn't date."

Before COVID, my clients would come to me and say that the person they were dating or trying to set up a date with was utterly inflexible. They could only meet for an hour before spin class or talk after 10 p.m. — every Tuesday and Thursday. I wish I were exaggerating.

They would only eat in a restaurant that didn't serve meat or date someone who had visited no less than 27 countries because, otherwise, it meant they weren't curious about the world. It never occurred to them, for example, that this "unworldly" person couldn't afford to travel up until then or had the time to because they were raising kids.

When the pandemic hit with a vengeance, forcing us to hole up in our homes alone, many people all of a sudden began to question how important the excuses they used to make actually were. Could they have rescheduled that spin class for a different night or gone out an hour earlier? More importantly, they started to wonder if perhaps it was them and their excuses that had affected their ability to meet someone they wanted to spend time with, someone who they liked.

Suddenly, adjusting to Zoom dates, though not as pleasant as real dates, became a possibility — a welcome one. Coffee dates on a bench in a dog park thought to be cheap before COVID now made the person who suggested it appear creative. A picnic with a view and takeout on a blanket became a welcome escape. And a beacon of hope.

Of course, there were those still guilty of blowing off dates, not answering texts, and saying they can't date in a pandemic; they'll wait until it's over. Because they "couldn't" date, they wouldn't. And, for the most part, these are the people who remain single. But if that's the case, it's likely not because of COVID. Instead, it's probably because of what they want deep down inside: to stay single. And that's OK, too. The bottom line is to date when you're ready to date.

 "You need to have standards."

Dating isn't for the faint of heart. Yes, there are people out there who will go so far as to be rude. And then others whose indifference to you will sting. Whatever the case may be, pandemic dating, i.e., dating with a lot more time to think about your intentions, how you treat others, and how others treat you, has led my clients to a more conscious approach to dating.

Being alone has its upside. You have more time to think. Plus, you know now for sure you are capable of being by yourself. As a result, you are willing to wait until you find the right person, someone you like and respect, and who likes and respects you. 

"Sometimes finding love takes work."

Working from home didn't prove to be easy, and neither did dating from home. Summoning the strength to brush their hair for a Zoom date was a "thing" for some of my clients at times, so I heard. Kidding aside (sort of), dating from home and social distance dating during a pandemic was a lot harder than it looked.

After being on them all day for work, getting on another video call, or choosing to forgo an episode of "The Queen's Gambit" or "The Undoing," to have a virtual date, required a lot of discipline and faith. My clients rose to the challenge and kept with it for the following reason. 

"You have to want it."

Your so-called dream guy or girl could show up at your doorstep (Hello, George Clooney!), but if you don't want to be with someone, then you won't be. People often talk about visualizing what you desire from the universe, from God, from whatever, and whomever you believe in, and there's a lot to be said for that.

No, I don't believe that if you put a photo of George Clooney on a vision board, he will leave Amal for you. Or that Elizabeth Hurley will come to you, bikini-clad, begging for a date. Sorry guys.

I believe that to find love, you must picture what it would be like to be in a relationship with a person who enjoys doing some of the things you do, like exploring the hills around Portofino. You also need to picture if you want that individual to help you unload the dishwasher, cook dinner, and whether you're ready to make that man or woman soup if they're feeling sick.

The ongoing pandemic caused my clients to ask this of themselves. Facing a dishwasher needing emptying, dinner for one, and an empty bed inspired them to ask: Do I want to be with someone in a real way? My coupled clients, and those putting themselves out there in an authentic, serious-minded way, answered yes.      

"I realized I needed help, except this time, I asked for it."

Dating, particularly at mid-life and beyond, comes with its unique challenges. Challenges that begin with the past each one of us carries in our hearts and memories. Some of it's good, some of it's not so good, but all of it makes us who we are today — a blend of how we see ourselves, how we see the world, and how we see ourselves in the world. Finding the missing piece of the puzzle to fit the one we lost or left behind can feel near impossible. That's because it is. Hear me out.

Think about an actual jigsaw puzzle, the one you don't want to throw away because you think that missing piece is just going to turn up one day. It's the reason why you stashed that box in the back of a closet in the first place, just in case.

Well, I have some advice for you: toss it in the trash. No one is ever going to fill the void you have for someone else, and the odds of that missing piece turning up are almost nonexistent, like your lost socks. It's time to get a new puzzle and a new pair of socks.

Sometimes even the most astute of us need help to realize this. Sometimes we benefit from an outsider to show us the possibilities. And sometimes, we want someone to hold our hand before we feel confident enough to hold someone else's. But when we do, the rest, as they say, is history. The good kind. Here's to a new, better year.      

How Do You Know if You or Someone You Meet Is Ready to Date?

Countless relationship articles are floating around discussing what you should be looking for in a partner, where to look for people to date, and how you can be a great date once you're on one. While these topics are all worthwhile and essential to finding the match who's perfect for you, they take one premise for granted: that the reader who wants to put the advice into action is ready to date.  

Often, this person is not, even though they may want to be ready. Or think that they are. Or have someone in their life telling them they are. As a matchmaker, I come across this all the time. Either I have prospective clients come to me who aren't ready or have had no luck dating because, as we discover together, they've spent too much time dating others who weren't either.  

So, for the question of the hour: How do you know if you or someone you meet is ready to date? It's easier than you think if you examine two factors: motivation and attitude.  

Are you or the people you meet motivated daters? 

If you've been "out there" dating, you've already met the two types of daters: the motivated dater and the lazy dater. The lazy dater is pretty easy to spot; however, for whatever reason, when those lazy daters meet a motivated dater, the motivated dater believes, erroneously and to their detriment, they can turn that lazy dater into someone who they're not.  

Lazy daters put minimal effort into their dating life. They're content to sit on their couch and swipe away, engaging here and there, and rarely follow through with anything. If they engage, whether on the phone, Zoom or in person, there's usually an overarching sense of ambivalence. If they get to the plans stage at all, the lazy dater is blah about the whole experience. After a meetup, they answer texts but rarely initiate and let connections fizzle despite feeling a spark. 

On the other hand, the motivated dater wants to succeed at dating, meaning they desire to find someone to spend time with and, in time, enter into a fulfilling relationship. How does this person know? They've spent time thinking about their past dating experiences, what's worked and what hasn't. They made changes in themselves — their habits, the effort they put in, and most importantly, their attitude, the second factor that will indicate whether you or someone you meet is ready to date. 

Do you or the person you're seeing have a positive attitude when it comes to dating?  

Again, if you've been dating, my guess is you've come across the guy or gal who says they're only online because their friend bought them a membership, they hate dating, everyone online is crazy, or they'll never meet anyone. Whatever the story is, it's negative. They're down on dating, and nothing you say or do can convince them otherwise. This individual is not someone you want to date, and if this sounds like you, you're not ready to date either. Here's why. 

The reasons underlying a lousy attitude about dating often come from an event in that person's past, something they're not over yet: a divorce, cheating, abuse, whatever. Honestly, it can be anything. The point is if they (or you) are not over it, dating will be a waste of time. 

So what does it look like and mean to have a positive attitude when it comes to dating? This person is genuinely excited about their future, including having someone in their life to share in that future. They're over whatever has been holding them back. They're over the abusive ex, the person who lied to them, or the one who used them for money.  

You can tell when you're talking to a person with a positive attitude because they're not talking about their past relationships incessantly or still angry about them. Because this person has let go of their past, they have time and energy to commit to the process of meeting a love interest. And, most importantly, are open to a commitment. 

Are you willing, or are the people you meet willing, to make dating and finding a relationship a priority? 

In other words, do you assign a high value to a romantic relationship? Likely, the answer to this question will turn on where you are in your life right now. You see, when you look at your life from a distance, you can recognize the different phases, or chapters, if you will, that we each go through and how they might affect our priorities, including our readiness to share ourselves with someone else romantically. 

The first chapter is the time when we grow up. That time includes our preteen years, teens, and part of our twenties, give or take. We learn who we are during these formative decades, and as we enter into an age-appropriate stage, we recognize those we feel attracted to and want to share our time with during the present. That may or may not turn into a long-term romantic relationship. Everyone's life takes a different path.  

The second chapter generally involves some combination of marriage, kids, and career growth. You may be married but have no kids, you may be a parent who stays home to raise kids, or you may have decided to stay focused on your career solely. Regardless, it's this middle chapter and what happens during it that will shape your attitudes about dating in your thirties, forties, fifties, and sixties, and beyond, which brings me to the last, and probably the best chapter in life. 

And that's the third chapter, which is mostly about yourself. During this time, you (hopefully) can look back at your life, what you've accomplished, and what you still hope to achieve. Unlike during the other periods in your life, this chapter doesn't involve what you can do for others (i.e., earning money to buy a house for your family, raising your kids, and amassing worldly possessions).  

Instead, this time often involves reflection about who you are in a philosophical sense and what you hold close. If that includes a romantic relationship, and you place a high value on it, then dear Reader, you are ready to date. Contact me today. I am here to help you start this next chapter off right — with someone special in it. 

How to Prepare for and Make the Best of a Very COVID Christmas

In "normal" times, i.e., before COVID, being single and dating around the holidays meant sometimes dealing with uncomfortable social situations. Remember the holiday party scene in "Bridget Jones' Diary" when Bridget had to field a slew of awkward questions at the dinner table about her dating life from fellow coupled guests?

It was excruciating for her and me as I watched, but I must say, I gave the girl credit. As much as she dreaded those parties, she went and put herself out there. So did her reindeer jumper-wearing future beau, Mark, who she kept running into at those parties.

Good thing those two shared a common trait, which is perseverance, something every successful dater has. So if you typically declined those holiday invitations, now's the perfect time to change your ways. Dating takes effort, beginning with showing up.

Now get off the couch and get dressed! Put on your big girl underpants and big boy boxers because you've got a holiday gathering (or five) coming up on your calendar, whether over Zoom or outside and socially distanced.

Do the holidays offer any advantages for clients looking to date?

Even in the middle of a pandemic, the answer is opportunity, opportunity, opportunity! How many times can I say it? A lot because it's true.

Look at every invitation you receive at holiday time as a gift, even if it's to a virtual event. Someone else is doing the work for you by putting together eclectic groups of people you may not ordinarily have a chance to meet or socialize with, even if they're people you already know from work, the neighborhood, or your children's school.

A holiday gathering can change the context of your interaction in a positive way, allowing you to get to know others in a more casual, personal manner. You're at a party, not a marketing or PTO meeting. 'Tis the season to be merry, so smile and RSVP yes!  

How has Covid-19 and social distancing rules affected dating, especially around the holiday season?

A COVID Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwaanza are new for everyone, so there's likely to be a lot of variation in how people choose to celebrate. What that means is you have the freedom to choose what makes you comfortable and what doesn't.

Holiday gatherings will be smaller this year, which can give you a prime opportunity to get to know the people you meet more intimately. They won't be distracted by lots of other guests, so you can use your chance meeting to either get to know the person you're conversing with better or put the word out there that you're single and looking to meet someone. 

Some holiday gatherings may not happen in person at all, which can also be to your advantage. If you're not clicking with the group on one particular Zoom holiday cocktail hour or party, feel free to leave after about 20 minutes. Just make sure you've given it the old college try before saying your goodbyes.

Be sure to connect with the organizer afterward, letting them know you're open to meeting someone in their network who may not have been on the call or someone who was and inquires about you after you all disconnect. The point is to make sure you're open and available, even if you're communicating through a screen.

Then log in to the next virtual holiday get-together, whose invite may still be collecting dust in your inbox. Meet as many people as you can, even online. It could very well lead to a meeting in real life.

 Don't get involved in any reindeer games.

Etiquette rules still apply, even during a pandemic when meeting someone may require a little more ingenuity and positivity on your part. So keep your relationship goals in sight and your standards high.

If someone treats you with disrespect, missing (virtual) dates, forgetting to call, or urging you to converse in a way that doesn't make you comfortable, pull the plug, literally. And remind yourself that the most valuable holiday gift you can give and receive this season is your best self.