Online dating offers singles the opportunity to meet more people than they ever could using traditional methods — in person or through introductions. Logic would, therefore, dictate that more people than ever before should be in relationships. Instead, the opposite is true: more people than ever before are single. So why, then, do all of these interactions over online dating never seem to work out?
A 2019 study hypothesizes the existence of a "rejection mindset," in which the continuous exposure to seemingly endless potential matches makes people feel more pessimistic about finding a partner, continuing a cycle of rejection. It results in less satisfaction with dating, in general, and, for women, especially, a lower likelihood of finding a match.
Thus, the question becomes: How do singles beat the rejection mindset to put themselves in a position to meet their ideal match?
Don't take rejection while dating online personally.
When someone doesn't match with you, or if someone talks to you then un-matches or "ghosts," or if you go out with someone a couple of times and the interaction fizzles, and it happens repeatedly, you may begin to internalize why you haven't experienced success. You may think it's because you're boring, not good-looking enough, not smart enough, not rich enough, or whatever "not enough" you can come up with at the moment. As a result, you develop this rejection mindset.
It's critical to remember that there's more to your online dating experience than what meets the eye, meaning you don't necessarily know what's going on in someone else's life when you speak with them. Perhaps the person who ghosted you did so because they aren't sure of their romantic intentions. Or maybe an ex re-entered the picture. Or perhaps something happened in their personal life that caused them to step away from dating, such as a parent becoming sick. It could be anything; don't assume it's always because of you. Usually, it isn't.
Don't let online dating rejection deter you.
Everyone experiences setbacks or failures now and again — at work, with hobbies, and, yes, in their dating lives. But that doesn't mean you're a failure as a person; it just means you're human. If you internalize your dating "fails," couching them as such, and act as though you're a failure, then that will be the message you send to others, including romantic interests. Most people don't react well to pessimism, which would continue to feed a cycle of rejection.
Experiencing a so-called failure, such as not landing a date with a match you find appealing or getting dumped, is universal. But the key to success is that you don't let it get you down or give up on dating altogether. After a disappointment, you must get back up and try again, with your head held high. Optimism and positive energy are attractive to others. If you view yourself as a success, others will, too. And when rejection inevitably happens, you won't feel rejected. Or, if you do, you won't care as much.
Recognize that when using dating sites, you reject other people, too.
Just as you’re looking to find a match, everyone else is doing the same. So when you're perusing profiles and choose to swipe left, you are, in effect, rejecting that person. But are you rejecting that person because you view them as a failure as a human being? Hopefully not. It's most likely that this person doesn't appear to be a good fit for you. That could be for a variety of reasons, such as living too far away, them communicating different relationship goals from yours, or not being physically appealing — to you.
Rejecting other people while looking for a match isn't something to feel badly about; it's a part of dating. When other people reject you, it's crucial to maintain perspective and understand that rejection is a given in the grand scheme of dating. Everyone must choose between their options. Not everyone will choose you, just as you will not choose everyone else.
When using online dating, think about why that person might have rejected you.
A difficult question but one necessary to ask is: "Why did this person reject me?" And no, the answer is not because you're an unlovable person. It's most likely because some aspect of your profile made you not a match for this person. If it's something to do with where you live, you might not be able or willing to change that. If you're a brunette and someone searching wants a blonde, and that's what causes them not to feel attracted to you, so be it.
But if it's your attitude that's holding you back, you can address it. What's the tone of your profile? Are you saying what you don't want instead of what you do ("No fat guys." "No one below six-foot-one.")? Try leading with the positive instead of the negative. Additionally, when you start talking to potential matches and going on dates, how's your body language? Are you slouching or looking away? What are you saying?
If, for instance, you appear to have a cloud of misery over your head — you hate your job, the guy in the next office, your ex — and are gesticulating wildly, try casually and enthusiastically discussing what you like most and what you hope to achieve out of your life. If you're having trouble in these areas, it's likely because you feel bad about yourself inside. Practicing self-care could help you address those issues and communicate more positively.
Don't let online dating, and dating in general, rule your life.
When you're talking to someone new, a frequent discussion will be about the hobbies you're both involved in or how you spend your free time. Ask yourself: Do I have a life outside of dating? Friends? A career? Charitable endeavors? Hobbies?
The answer should be yes to this critical question. Because if you don't have interests apart from dating, your reasons for dating may likely be due to you wanting someone else to fill a void you feel in yourself. Others will recognize this, whether immediately or as they get to know you better, the result of which won't be good for you or your relationship if you even get that far.
Having an identity outside of your romantic partner is essential to building and sustaining a healthy and long-lasting relationship. That means dating should be one aspect of your life, not your entire life. Don't let it define your worth. You're worth so much more.