I've been in this business for more than three decades, working as both a modern-day matchmaker and relationship coach. But never before have my clients or I faced the dating challenges that we did this past year.
I know you've heard it before, but 2020 was unprecedented in so many ways. There aren't many of us left who lived through the Spanish flu of 1918 and are here to talk about it. Much more lethal than COVID-19, the Spanish flu could take hold after breakfast and leave its victim dead by lunch.
Yet, somehow, stories continued to emerge from those born during the Spanish flu who survived not one pandemic but two. Each one is a testament to the strength of the human spirit. Faced with the threat of illness, or illness itself, the loss of loved ones and friends to COVID-19, financial stress, loneliness, changing lifestyles, and whatever else you can imagine a 21st-century pandemic could bring on, my clients continued to look for love through it all.
Using creative dating strategies that included Zoom, many socially distanced outdoor dates, and an incredible amount of patience, love prevailed. I had clients who met right before the pandemic adjust their usual dating behaviors to keep their new relationships going. I had other clients who opened themselves to alternative dating practices, particularly when it came to slowing down their dating timelines. And then still others who didn't let a big obstacle like a pandemic get in their way of giving dating a try for the first time in a long while, or for the umpteenth time.
I recently sat down with a few of the couples I've been counseling, couples I found partners for, a few of whom have weddings on the calendar for 2021. Forget a baby boom; 2021 is going to give us a wedding boom! (I better start dress shopping….)
Despite their success, whether engaged or simply enjoying the excitement a budding relationship brings, it wasn't necessarily easy for these couples to get to the point they are now. It's why, given the challenges of this past year and how it impacted their dating experiences, I wanted to hear my clients' takeaways.
Although we are all happy to say goodbye to 2020, life comes with unexpected situations. Because of that, I think it's worth taking a few moments to remember how we survived and thrived during this one. Here's what they said.
"If you always have an excuse for why you can't date, then you shouldn't date."
Before COVID, my clients would come to me and say that the person they were dating or trying to set up a date with was utterly inflexible. They could only meet for an hour before spin class or talk after 10 p.m. — every Tuesday and Thursday. I wish I were exaggerating.
They would only eat in a restaurant that didn't serve meat or date someone who had visited no less than 27 countries because, otherwise, it meant they weren't curious about the world. It never occurred to them, for example, that this "unworldly" person couldn't afford to travel up until then or had the time to because they were raising kids.
When the pandemic hit with a vengeance, forcing us to hole up in our homes alone, many people all of a sudden began to question how important the excuses they used to make actually were. Could they have rescheduled that spin class for a different night or gone out an hour earlier? More importantly, they started to wonder if perhaps it was them and their excuses that had affected their ability to meet someone they wanted to spend time with, someone who they liked.
Suddenly, adjusting to Zoom dates, though not as pleasant as real dates, became a possibility — a welcome one. Coffee dates on a bench in a dog park thought to be cheap before COVID now made the person who suggested it appear creative. A picnic with a view and takeout on a blanket became a welcome escape. And a beacon of hope.
Of course, there were those still guilty of blowing off dates, not answering texts, and saying they can't date in a pandemic; they'll wait until it's over. Because they "couldn't" date, they wouldn't. And, for the most part, these are the people who remain single. But if that's the case, it's likely not because of COVID. Instead, it's probably because of what they want deep down inside: to stay single. And that's OK, too. The bottom line is to date when you're ready to date.
"You need to have standards."
Dating isn't for the faint of heart. Yes, there are people out there who will go so far as to be rude. And then others whose indifference to you will sting. Whatever the case may be, pandemic dating, i.e., dating with a lot more time to think about your intentions, how you treat others, and how others treat you, has led my clients to a more conscious approach to dating.
Being alone has its upside. You have more time to think. Plus, you know now for sure you are capable of being by yourself. As a result, you are willing to wait until you find the right person, someone you like and respect, and who likes and respects you.
"Sometimes finding love takes work."
Working from home didn't prove to be easy, and neither did dating from home. Summoning the strength to brush their hair for a Zoom date was a "thing" for some of my clients at times, so I heard. Kidding aside (sort of), dating from home and social distance dating during a pandemic was a lot harder than it looked.
After being on them all day for work, getting on another video call, or choosing to forgo an episode of "The Queen's Gambit" or "The Undoing," to have a virtual date, required a lot of discipline and faith. My clients rose to the challenge and kept with it for the following reason.
"You have to want it."
Your so-called dream guy or girl could show up at your doorstep (Hello, George Clooney!), but if you don't want to be with someone, then you won't be. People often talk about visualizing what you desire from the universe, from God, from whatever, and whomever you believe in, and there's a lot to be said for that.
No, I don't believe that if you put a photo of George Clooney on a vision board, he will leave Amal for you. Or that Elizabeth Hurley will come to you, bikini-clad, begging for a date. Sorry guys.
I believe that to find love, you must picture what it would be like to be in a relationship with a person who enjoys doing some of the things you do, like exploring the hills around Portofino. You also need to picture if you want that individual to help you unload the dishwasher, cook dinner, and whether you're ready to make that man or woman soup if they're feeling sick.
The ongoing pandemic caused my clients to ask this of themselves. Facing a dishwasher needing emptying, dinner for one, and an empty bed inspired them to ask: Do I want to be with someone in a real way? My coupled clients, and those putting themselves out there in an authentic, serious-minded way, answered yes.
"I realized I needed help, except this time, I asked for it."
Dating, particularly at mid-life and beyond, comes with its unique challenges. Challenges that begin with the past each one of us carries in our hearts and memories. Some of it's good, some of it's not so good, but all of it makes us who we are today — a blend of how we see ourselves, how we see the world, and how we see ourselves in the world. Finding the missing piece of the puzzle to fit the one we lost or left behind can feel near impossible. That's because it is. Hear me out.
Think about an actual jigsaw puzzle, the one you don't want to throw away because you think that missing piece is just going to turn up one day. It's the reason why you stashed that box in the back of a closet in the first place, just in case.
Well, I have some advice for you: toss it in the trash. No one is ever going to fill the void you have for someone else, and the odds of that missing piece turning up are almost nonexistent, like your lost socks. It's time to get a new puzzle and a new pair of socks.
Sometimes even the most astute of us need help to realize this. Sometimes we benefit from an outsider to show us the possibilities. And sometimes, we want someone to hold our hand before we feel confident enough to hold someone else's. But when we do, the rest, as they say, is history. The good kind. Here's to a new, better year.