To date and do it well, you need to invest in the process. The best way to make the most of dating is, somewhat counterintuitively, not to focus on your date but, instead, to practice self-care. Like any venture, whether it's for work, a home improvement project, or preparing to run a triathlon, you're going to need your strength.
You'd be surprised how long it takes to write a thoughtful dating profile. Or sort through hundreds if not thousands of profiles, strike up and maintain an intelligent conversation through text, email, phone calls, and Zoom, go out (even virtually) on a first date, follow up, and, if it feels right, continue dating. I won't even get into the work that has to go into a relationship once you get into one to keep it healthy and strong.
The point is you need to take care of your mind and body throughout each of these stages. And it's not only to make yourself more appealing to the person you're dating, although that's part of it. It's also to ensure your head is in the game — the dating process and the people you're meeting themselves.
Yes, everyone wants to feel they're getting the attention they deserve and a fair shot at the relationship they want. After all, your date's time, money, and energy are at stake, too. Not putting in your best effort affects others as much as it does you.
So to have the best dating experience possible, I've come up with 11 straightforward ways to practice self-care when you're dating, which you can implement quite easily if you set your mind to it. Here they are.
1. Get rest.
We hear this all the time: get a good night's sleep every night. I know for myself, if I don't get in my Zs, I'm foggy the next day, and very likely the day after that. Dating requires thinking with a clear head. With every interaction, you need to make choices. Do I like this person? Is what they're telling me true? Does their lifestyle work with mine? Should I continue dating them?
When you aren't getting enough sleep, you won't be as equipped to ask and, more importantly, answer these questions. Sleep will enable you to be analytical about the choices you're making. Plus, sleeping well and for enough time keeps your body healthy so that you can do many of the other things on this list. Not to mention, you will look better, too. I haven't met many people who look more attractive with dark circles under their eyes.
2. Meditate.
Many people, including myself, utilize meditation for many purposes. As it pertains to dating, meditation can be a useful tool to help you clarify your relationship goals: Why are you dating? What are you looking for in a date? How can you date better and smarter?
If you're feeling stressed about the state of the (dating) world, meditation can provide the refresher you need to emerge crisp and clear-headed, ready and excited to find and build a new relationship. Meditation offers the added benefit of helping you relax, which you may find useful while on your dates, too.
3. Journal.
Journaling is a practical way to check-in with yourself. Beyond dating, how are things going in your life right now? How are you feeling mentally? Physically? And within the world of dating: How is your relationship progressing? Are you happy with the way your relationship is going?
If you're a bit of an overthinker, journaling may be the remedy you need. If you're worried about something that you said, for example, you can write about it until your brain catches up with your emotions and realizes, "Oh, wow. I shouldn't worry about this anymore" or "I know how I can make this right." You can now carry on with your day having that weight lifted from your chest.
4. Treat others well.
Whether you're dating or not, take this advice to heart: Treat others with kindness and respect and how you would expect others to treat you. For example, even if you are sweet and kind to your date but rude to the waitstaff, your date will take note of it, and there may not be a next date.
Plus, if you have any sense of decency, you'll feel bad afterward about the waitstaff and losing out on a potential relationship. If you don't, you may want to explore why and not date until you do.
5. Spend time doing what you love.
As a matchmaker, I've noticed that some people make the mistake of letting their partner become the center of their universe. Meaning, they lose their identity and, instead, become fixated on their relationship. Doing this can create a downward spiral, often resulting in heartbreak since you're no longer the person you represented yourself to be.
To save your relationship (and your sanity), keep doing what you love. If you like reading, keep reading. If you like hiking, keep hiking. You existed before you met your partner; there's no reason why you can't exist apart from them now. Additionally, having outside interests will always give you something exciting to discuss with your partner, mainly because you're excited about it.
6. Try new things.
Opening yourself up to trying new food, hobbies, and experiences will keep you not only sharp but also intriguing to your partner. People tend to get bored when they do the same things over and over again. So why not enjoy a day trip to a museum with your partner, by yourself, or with friends? (OK, maybe not physically during a pandemic, but a virtual tour, perhaps?)
Even outside of a relationship, it's healthy to sustain a sense of curiosity about the world around you. The experience of broadening our horizons and trying new things builds character and personality and honestly makes us more enjoyable to others when they talk to us.
7. Groom.
I cannot emphasize enough just how critical taking care of yourself is. I'm sure you've heard of the "love weight" that people gain at the start of a relationship, as they continuously go out to eat. But beyond that, when you start getting comfortable in a relationship, you may not take as much care with your hair, makeup, or outfits as you once did.
Don't make that mistake! While it's nice to feel comfortable enough with someone that you don't feel like you have to take care of yourself, overall, you may end up feeling worse in the long run because if you don't look your best, you may not end up feeling your best. This mindset may harm you in other areas of your life, such as work and friendships. Again, the lack of grooming is a symptom of letting your relationship encompass your life, while, in reality, your relationship should be only one part of your life.
8. Do what makes you feel good.
If you aren't comfortable scheduling three dates in one week, don't. If you would prefer to have a call over Zoom versus the phone, express that. If you aren't yet comfortable being intimate, wait. And if you don't feel good about yourself when you're around someone you're dating, stop dating them. Sound simple? It is.
9. Don't ruminate.
I'm sorry to say but, with dating, anything goes. Some folks act nicer than others. And people don't always appreciate or realize how their behaviors affect those they interact with, even if the interactions are seemingly small. Inevitably, someone will ghost you (disappear without warning), say something offensive, or not behave as you would.
Stop dwelling on it. Don't try to figure out why this person said what they did or acted a particular way. Move on because, quite likely, they're not thinking about you. And, to be honest, at that point, if they've mistreated you, you shouldn't care if they are.
10. Live in the moment.
I advise my clients to be clear about their dating and relationship goals, both to themselves and to the people they date. But I also tell them they need to let things happen naturally.
Set up that timeline you have in your head but refrain from telling your date during a first meeting that if you don't get a ring at the end of six months, you're gone. I can pretty much guarantee your date will disappear long before you ever have to worry about it.
Stop putting pressure on yourself and whoever you're seeing. Let your relationship unfold as it should. That's part of the beauty and excitement of dating.
11. Take a break from dating if you need it.
If dating starts to feel grating, or if everyone starts looking and sounding the same, take a break. Dating isn't only a means to an end. Dating should be enjoyable, even if the person you're out with isn't "The One." Most people you go out with won't be. So be kind to yourself. It's by far the best way to teach others how to treat you.