The divorce rate for older Americans has been rising at an unprecedented rate. According to a 2017 study released by Pew Research, the divorce rate for Americans age 50 and older doubled since the 1990s, from five percent in 1990 to 10 percent in 2015. Nicknamed "gray divorces," this type of divorce has made headlines recently, given the announcement last week from Bill and Melinda Gates that they're divorcing. With so many singles over 50, it's not surprising this demographic has turned to online dating and modern-day matchmakers to meet matches.
As a dating strategist and consultant who specializes in connecting people over the age of 50 and utilizes my exclusive database in coordination with online dating websites to cull for my clients the best possible matches, I know gray divorces leave many scratching their heads. People come to me time and time again and ask: Why divorce now after so many years spent married? In my line of work, it's a question I've long since become familiar with and can provide answers that make sense.
It's not only first marriages, where the couple married young and stayed together for decades, that are ending either. Many gray divorces are actually second, third, or fourth marriages. In fact, the gray divorce rate for second marriages is twice as high as that for first marriages. Regardless of what number marriage it is, here are the most popular reasons why "older" Americans, those in their golden, ahem, gray years, are getting divorced.
The Empty Nest
It's not uncommon for couples experiencing serious marital problems to stay together for the kids. However, what happens is that once the children leave the family home, these couples can't bear to live with each other without child-rearing to distract them. So they seek out the divorce they've long since wished for, believing, and rightly so, the kids will be alright.
In less drastic situations, where there weren't obvious relationship issues, a couple may have enjoyed being married while the children were still living in the family home. But now that the children have left, and the couple must adjust to a new routine without them, one or both spouses may find that they've evolved into different people over the years. Though they don't despise their spouse, they do want to steer their lives in a new direction — without that person by their side. No hard feelings, right?
Retirement
For most people's adult lives, at least one spouse regularly goes to work each day, a routine that can last for decades. While a person may miss their spouse while they're at work, the increased exposure to one other offered by retirement creates ample opportunities to, well, grind on each other's nerves.
Without work, hobbies, and other interests to provide privacy and some much-appreciated time apart, many couples find that retirement feels as though Jean-Paul Sartre got it right in his play "No Exit" — "Hell is other people." Most notably, their husband or wife.
Finances
When people marry young, they may not consider just how much of an impact retirement planning (or lack of it) can affect their marriage later on. On one end of the spectrum, retired couples may find that their nest egg is not enough to support both of them and may need to adjust their lifestyles accordingly. If one or both spouses aren't particularly happy in their current situation, living better apart becomes a good reason to part ways.
On the other end of the spectrum, well-off couples can part ways knowing they and their spouse will be financially stable after divorce, and then some. They have enough means to live the life they've always dreamed of and don't have to remain tied financially to their spouse. For these couples, financial freedom takes on a whole new meaning.
Life Expectancy
Due to significant medical advancements, "till death do us part" can be a phrase some couples come to think of as a threat instead of a promise, as they intended on their wedding day. Life expectancies have risen to be the highest they've ever been in history, which significantly extends the retirement period. Paired with improvements in healthcare, singles over 50 may think of themselves as having just as much vitality in their older years as they did when they were young.
Older couples may realize that staying married to their spouse may mean another 50 years of marriage. Instead of sticking it out like their parents' generation did, they seek a divorce because they've got so many options, especially with the rise in popularity of online dating, for meeting someone new.
Who knows? Someone "new" could even be Bill or Melinda. They haven't called me — yet — but I'm more than happy to advise them if they do.