When you're divorced, it's really easy to get turned off to the idea of marriage. Not just the thought of getting married again, but more specifically, the possibility that a marriage can be healthy and stay that way.
While on vacation last month, I had the pleasure of meeting a couple celebrating their 54th wedding anniversary. Over omelets and coffee at the hotel where I was staying, the couple was kind enough to share their secrets for a successful marriage, one anyone looking at them could tell was still going strong.
Even if you never intend to walk down the aisle again, you can apply these principles to any romantic relationship. Straight from my newfound friends, here they are.
1. Don't give up.
Where there's a will, there's a way, as the saying goes. If your relationship is going through a rough patch, you must be willing to resolve your issues if you expect your love to endure. You must be receptive to your partner's ideas and make sure you're communicating your feelings appropriately.
Remember, you and your partner are a team: it's you and him or her against whatever problems you're facing, not you against him or her.
2. Pick your battles.
It's important to recognize that you can't always get what you want. You may feel tempted to fight for whatever you believe in, as being outspoken very well may be part of your personality.
You probably don't have malicious intentions, but what may result is that your partner feels like you're not listening and, as a result, feels powerless. If not addressed, feelings of resentment and hopelessness could ultimately kill your relationship.
You may prefer, say, Italian food over Chinese food, and your partner may prefer Chinese food over Italian food. Still, if you insist on only going to Italian restaurants, your partner will feel voiceless. Sometimes you need to let your partner win the battle. Go out for Chinese food. Is it that big of a deal?
For more serious conflicts, you may fervently believe in your position, but you need to, at a minimum, hear your partner out. He or she will have a different perspective from yours, but that perspective will also help you develop new insight into your dispute.
What you will often find is that he or she is actually right, or at a minimum, you may be a little less right than you initially thought.
3. Compromise whenever possible.
Sometimes you'll win the battle, sometimes your partner will win, and sometimes you'll have to meet in the middle. Compromise is a sign of cooperation. It reinforces the idea you and your partner are working together as a team. And that you work well together.
Compromising also functions as a gesture of goodwill: you're willing to meet your partner halfway on an issue because you would rather put your minds together to solve the problem than fight to the bitter end.
4. Practice simple kindness.
Despite what many people say, chivalry isn't dead. And it will never die as long as we keep practicing it in our daily lives. Never stop trying to impress your partner, and you can do this through random acts of kindness. Not just on special occasions either.
Your spouse expecting a relaxing and romantic dinner on your anniversary is an easy one. But what if you cooked a hearty home-cooked meal on a random Tuesday also because you know he or she has a stressful presentation the next morning at work?
Smaller gestures, such as holding the door open or paying your partner a compliment, can make a big difference. This way, your partner never feels unloved, uncared for, or, perhaps worst of all, unseen, and your relationship goes on strong.
5. Laugh a lot.
Couples who get along well generally have a similar sense of humor. Both partners think the same things are funny. However, they don't make their partner the butt of the joke.
We've all been around those people, the ones who laugh while we sit there scratching our heads, asking, "Did she just mean to say that?"
The person who loves you won't do that. Nor will you do it to them.
6. Don't be afraid to argue.
Healthy couples argue. Why? Because healthy couples express themselves. When your partner has an issue, he or she raises it. You're open to hearing from your partner about problems he or she may have, too.
Because we're human and emotional, sometimes tensions and voices can rise. As long as there's no abuse, it's OK. People get mad. They fight.
But couples who love and respect each other work on their issues together. That, hopefully, causes less fighting in the long run.
7. Be independent.
Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're joined at the hip. In fact, you shouldn't be. Long after you become a couple, you should still maintain interests outside your partner.
You should have friends, hobbies, and time all to yourself. If your partner doesn't allow you to have independence in your relationship, you may unwittingly be the victim of emotional abuse.
That said, do unto others.
8. Focus on what makes your spouse or partner attractive to you.
If you've been with the same person for a long time, you may not be as thin as you once were or muscular. There may be more lines on your face than were there when you first met, and the hair on your head may not be as thick or exist at all.
But, guaranteed, your partner has attributes that can still make you swoon. Whether it's the way that he or she smiles when reading a passage in a book or furrows their brow when deep in thought, or the shape of their body, you love them for it.
Focus on those attributes — when your partner is looking and when he or she isn't. It won't matter; your partner will be able to feel your appreciation.
9. Shake things up.
A problem that arises in long relationships is when one partner (or both) gets bored. You may feel like you're in a rut waking up, going to work, taking care of the children, and going to sleep, only to wake up and do it again. For many, the monotony leads to resentment and depression.
A simple and effective way to fight boredom is to switch up your routine. Schedule a romantic getaway, try a new restaurant, or take a class. Do something new. Anything for that matter. Well, almost anything.
Life, long-term relationships, and marriages can be full of surprises. The biggest secret is you first have to be open to them.
So, see what you like, and enjoy your adventures and new experiences — together and alone. Sometimes a little time apart can make home sweet home taste even sweeter.