Relationships come in many shapes and sizes. But one relationship you don’t want to ever find yourself in is a pseudo-relationship. Why? Because, as its name implies, it isn’t real.
A pseudo-relationship may feel real. And you may hope it is real. But once you scratch the surface, you’ll quickly realize that it isn’t and only disappointment awaits you. Finding a healthy relationship is challenging enough without having to deal with one that doesn’t offer you what you want.
The key is to identify a pseudo-relationship early, and then move on. That way, you won’t waste your precious time staying in one. What follows are five surefire ways to identify a pseudo-relationship and then my advice for how you can prevent yourself from getting involved in one in the first place.
1. You have never met in person.
One tell-tale sign you may be in a pseudo-relationship is that you still haven’t met in person. Or, you may have met in person a few times but the relationship has since devolved into communication via email, text, social media, and phone calls only.
Real relationships require that you not only meet in person but also that the interactions remain in person. When you have never met or you no longer see someone you’re supposedly involved with, you have no way of knowing what’s going on in their lives. On the flip side, you can bet that they don’t care what’s going on in yours. Otherwise, they would want to spend time with you, in the flesh.
If you aren’t seeing the person you are connected with romantically, unless there’s a good reason why this is (a reason you know to be valid and one you’re OK with), you should consider it a red flag. Whether they are hiding something, like another relationship or a spouse or what have you, it doesn’t matter. You have enough information to walk away and search for someone who does want to spend time with you in real life.
2. You develop what feels like a real relationship.
If because of continuous texting, emailing, communicating over social media, and talking on the phone you think you’re in a real relationship, watch out. Just because the communication is frequent still doesn’t make the relationship real. Whether you’ve never met or met only a few times but this person never wants or makes time to see you, the result is the same. Consider the following situation.
I had a client who told me about a relationship she found herself in a while back. After three dates, the guy stopped asking her out. Yet he still continued to call and text her every single day, rarely missing a beat. He lived about an hour-and-a-half away, yet whenever he was in the area, he called to tell her he would be there (presumably in case she saw him pop up on a dating app) but that he was too busy to see her.
The woman eventually called him out on his shady behavior when, again, he told her he would be in the area the next day but wasn’t going to see her. After she called him out on his behavior, he offered to meet her for lunch the next day. But instead of him calling as he promised, she never heard from him again. At this point, the relationship had gone on for four months, with visits only occurring at the beginning.
In retrospect, the woman realized the relationship was a pseudo one, despite the very personal nature of their conversations. Conversations that often involved him pouring his heart out to her about his ongoing divorce, relationship with his children, job woes, and finances. Likely, he was using her for emotional support but was not willing to offer her anything in return for the emotional labor she was providing, not to mention her time. Now she knows better.
3. Time goes by yet you still haven’t met.
In relationships, the time between when you first begin communicating and when you meet in person should be short. If you meet on a dating app, for example, you should communicate on the dating app a few times, then move to text. Those text exchanges should likewise be brief and lead to a phone conversation. Following one or two phone calls, during which you vet the person and decide whether you should indeed meet, you should actually meet.
After your first date, if you both decide you would like the relationship to move forward and continue getting to know each other, you should do that by continuing to see each other in person. It’s OK to also communicate through text, email, social media, and phone, as long as the communication also includes in-person dates.
The pandemic, which gave rise to a lot of Zoom dates, is over. Though remote dates still have their place, especially when vetting your matches, they still need to be followed by real dates.
4. There’s always an excuse.
The kids are there. Their work schedule is crazy. They’re traveling all month. If there’s always a reason why you can’t meet them in person, pull out your red flag and start waving it.
If weeks go by, and you still haven’t met the person you are speaking to often, if they string you along with promises to meet that never materialize, remind yourself that in real relationships, apart from long-distance relationships where both parties mutually agree to a specific arrangement, people see each other in person.
Yes, scheduling issues can exist; all of us have them. That said, where there’s a will, there’s a way. Someone who wants to see you does. It’s that simple.
5. You stop interacting with other prospects because of this pseudo-relationship.
This is the part where you have a reality check. The part where you ask yourself: How has this relationship affected my search for love?
If your answer is that you have essentially put your love life on hold, watching and waiting for this pseudo-relationship to morph into what you want it to be, you’re letting it hinder your chances of finding your perfect match.
Pseudo relationships do three things, none of them good. First, they waste your time. Second, they set you up for disappointment, even heartbreak. And three, they can potentially cause you to become jaded about dating in general. So, what’s my advice?
The solution? Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.
My grandmother and mother said this to me all the time when I was single and dating: Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. In other words, don’t pin all your hopes on one person, especially without any proof they are ready, willing, and able to give you the relationship you want and deserve. And that you want it from them!
It’s good advice, too. As the late Maya Angelou said, “Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”
The bottom line? It doesn’t matter what they’re doing. Only that what they’re doing doesn’t include you. And you deserve so much better than that.