Did you know that you are very much in control of your love life? You may not feel like it, especially if you’ve had negative experiences online. When using online dating sites, it can feel as though you’re never in the driver’s seat. That you’re always at the mercy of others, waiting around for a response to your emails, texts, and calls. And that’s if you’ve even gotten that far.
These issues may be accurate and, to some degree, probably are because, for starters, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. However, because you can control your own, there are ways for you to put yourself in the driver’s seat and increase your chances of finding love.
The first has to do with defining your relationship goals, and the second deals with laying out a strategic plan for meeting as many people as possible. After all, you can’t meet potential matches if you’re sitting at home on your couch watching Netflix.
So if you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places or finding only the wrong people even in the right places, a redesign of your love life may be what you need. Here are a few ways to get started.
Three questions to ask yourself to discover what kind of partner you want in your life.
1. Would I date myself?
It sounds like a silly question. In fact, the idea of dating yourself might seem strange — and perhaps a bit narcissistic. But asking yourself this question and exploring the concept could give you insight into why your dating life isn’t going quite as you’d like. If, for instance, you find yourself attracting the wrong kind of person.
Before entering a relationship, you should want to date yourself. If you want someone who has plans for the future, you better first have some of your own. Do you want someone sensitive, responsible, and compassionate? These are wonderful qualities, but are you this person, too?
It’s hard to ask something of someone you wouldn’t (or couldn’t) ask of yourself. If you wouldn’t want to date you — the real you, then the people who do might be, let’s just say, less than optimal partners. Therefore, it may be worth asking: What about me would I like to change to make myself more attractive to the people I want to date?
That said, I am by no means advising you to take on the qualities of someone you meet. No, not at all. What I am suggesting that you do is take affirmative steps to become your best self. There’s a difference.
2. What kind of relationship am I looking for right now?
Nothing is worse than finding a great partner only to realize you are looking for different things. To avoid the heartbreak and frustration of a “right person, wrong time” situation, it is important to recognize your own needs and objectives in a relationship.
Are you looking for something more low-commitment? Then you should make that clear to the people you go out with so they know what to expect. Are you ready to settle down? Then you may want to avoid people with “nothing serious” in their online dating profiles.
Getting clear with yourself first about your relationship goals will enable you to better communicate them to a potential partner. It will also ensure that you find someone with the same objectives.
3. What has worked for me in my past relationships, and what hasn’t?
This question goes hand in hand with my first two points. Are there issues you struggled with in your past relationships? Did you, for example. have trouble communicating or trusting past partners? Alternatively, were there characteristics of past relationships or partners that you liked and would want to see in a new relationship?
Get clear about what your past relationships lacked and why they were wonderful while they lasted. Next, look to the possible reasons behind why for both. Finally, look for ways to make improvements in a new relationship.
How can I expand my network and increase my chances of finding love?
1. Get active! Join activities/classes to meet new people.
Whether it’s joining a gym or taking a class at the local community center, getting involved in an activity is an effective way to meet people with similar interests. You can also see if your workplace, parks department, or house of worship has a recreational sports team you would be interested in joining. Not only are sports a great way to stay active, but you may also be surprised by the people you meet.
Don’t think you’re the active type? Look to join a local book club, movie club, cooking club, or hiking club. Whatever hobby you enjoy, others probably enjoy it, too. And that makes for a natural starting point for a friendship, romance, or friendship that leads to romance.
2. Call up friends to catch up.
Friendships are like plants; they will wither away and die if you don’t water them regularly. So make sure you periodically reach out to your friends.
Call or text them just to see how they are doing. Ask about your friends’ lives. Show an interest — and genuinely be interested — in what’s important to them. A good friend doesn’t make a friendship all about their needs but also takes an active interest in the other person.
Building genuine friendships naturally expands your network and can open up opportunities for you to meet a potential love interest. Your friends may know and be able to set you up with someone they know you would get along with, and because you are such a good friend, they will be only too happy to do so.
3. Say yes to new adventures and events when invited.
Reasons abound for why you may not want to go out on any given night. Maybe you’re tired after a long week or have a lot going on at work. That said, if someone invites you somewhere, you should make an effort to go. Even, or especially, if the event in question is something you have never gone to before or an activity you haven’t tried.
Obviously, if the activity in question is something you don’t feel comfortable doing or you can’t afford, you should probably decline the invitation on those terms. But do try to make alternative plans with that person. But, again, the point is to stay active and engaged with your network. And most of all, open to what your interactions, energy, and what having a positive attitude can bring you.