When Old School Meets New: Merging Tradition With Modern Dating Norms

The secret’s out: Times have changed since your mother and father were single, and so have dating norms. Not always for the better, either. A lot more seems to fly, including bad behavior that some think is not so bad, making it confusing to know what to do in many dating scenarios and when. That includes anything from the time leading up to a first date to after. Long after, and long into a relationship. So, how do you navigate what may seem like the Wild West of dating? I have a few suggestions.   

Figure out what your comfort level is.  

Let’s start with the basics: You can’t control anyone’s behavior except your own. So, if you’re not comfortable with a situation, it’s your prerogative to leave. Simple, right? Well, not always.  

Where situations tend to get murky is when you haven’t been clear with yourself from the get-go about what’s acceptable to you and what isn’t. The result is that when something feels not quite right, or you’re not entirely happy (or happy at all) with the behavior of the person you’re dating, you begin to second guess yourself and how you’re feeling. 

Are you justified? Are you being too sensitive? Or will things get better over time? However, when you’ve given thought to your tolerance level around dating, which stems from your value system, these questions become much easier to answer.  

Therefore, my advice before beginning to date is to set boundaries for yourself around dating. That way, if someone does something that would cause you to move them, you’ll be less quick to cave under pressure or feel unsure of your choices.  

Communicate your comfort level openly.  

When you’re clear on your values and what behaviors you expect from someone you’re dating, and you feel you are being reasonable in your decision-making, you will have little trouble communicating them to those you are considering dating and those who you are dating that do something which conflicts with the vision you have of your relationship. As you discuss issues that arise, you will very quickly be able to discern whether a relationship is worth pursuing or the time has come to cut your losses and move on.  

If someone doesn’t want to communicate with you and either shut the conversation down or gaslight you, again, this could be a signal that this relationship is not meant to be. On the other hand, if someone hears you out but isn’t cognizant of how their actions affected you but wants to make the situation right, you may have a good one on your hands. People make mistakes, and people are capable of learning and doing better.  

Recognize that times have changed.  

Not every change in dating norms is for the worse. Numerous changes function to make dating more comfortable for some. Again, this will depend on what people’s value systems are as well as the “rules of engagement’ they have established for themselves. This is particularly evident in deciding who pays for dates and when. 

There is much debate over who pays on a date and under what circumstances, and often, it creates not just conversation but confusion about what to do. Not every heterosexual couple, for example, will want or expect the man to pick up the check on a first date or however many dates, and not every same-sex couple on a date will expect to split the check; they may expect the person who asked for the check to pay. 

The solution to all this confusion? Open communication at the outset of interactions you just aren’t sure about. Though spontaneity is great, sometimes it’s OK to be spontaneous with an “I would like to … but just want to make sure you are comfortable with this.” That way, not only do you reduce the risk of offending someone you don’t know well, but you open up the potential to have a conversation that will enable you to get to know one another better.  

And that’s never a bad thing since it could bring you closer or allow you to move forward without wasting any more of your time. With healthy communication strategies in place, you can’t really go wrong. More than that, by talking it out, you can turn the mirror on yourself to gauge whether some of your previously held notions may have become somewhat outdated and consider amending some of your ideas around dating etiquette to suit the times.  

Final thoughts … 

Dating in an environment where rules around etiquette are less set in stone than they once were can be a positive inasmuch as it allows you and a new partner to shape a relationship that works for the two of you. The beauty of dating is getting to learn about someone else while also learning about yourself, especially how you’ve grown into a person who’s confident, has a lot to offer the right person, and, most of all, knows their value because they know their values.  

Understanding What You Want: Redefining Relationship Goals After 50

There are various ways to maximize your dating experience in midlife. Among those are writing a well-thought-out dating profile that describes you and who you’re looking for while telling a story, taking a recent and representative selection of photos for your dating profile, widening your search, and doing what you can to look and feel your best. Though these efforts are all worth your time and energy, there is one exercise you need to engage in above all else to achieve dating success after age 50. And that is to redefine your relationship goals now that you’re at this new and exciting chapter in your life.  

As humans, we are constantly evolving, and as we do, our needs and wants change. In midlife, we have many experiences behind us that have shaped who we are today. Those experiences, those accomplishments, whether with family, career, personal development, or all of the above, likely will mean that what you are looking for now in a partner is different from what you were looking for in our twenties, thirties, or forties — whenever you were last single. With this in mind, here are a few questions to ask yourself as you evaluate and potentially redefine your relationship goals according to who you are today.  

Do you want to get married? 

The life you’ve led up to now, changing norms, and the impact a new marriage could have on your life, including on your financial picture, are all factors that can play into whether you would consider marriage. Marriage during midlife could be as wonderful as it is complicated. Since not everyone’s tolerance level is the same, not everyone will be up for it.  

When considering the type of relationship you want now, examine the factors that would give a prospect a green light and which would give a prospect a red one. Also, consider whether you want to be tied to someone legally and potentially religiously. Just because you were at one time in your life doesn’t mean you will want to be today.   

What type of commitment are you looking for? 

If not marriage, what level of commitment would make you comfortable? For many people in midlife and beyond, a committed partnership is still the goal. That, too, can look like many things. You can be in a committed relationship while sharing a home or maintaining your own space. You can also enter a committed partnership in some states with certain legal protections. 

There are likewise different levels of commitment; you may choose no commitment or have an open relationship where you and your partner(s) devise your own rules. You may also decide to explore your sexuality with same-sex partners. Whatever you choose doesn’t matter as long as you’ve thought about what you find acceptable and what would be off the table.  

Would you consider someone whose beliefs, values, habits, and family life differ from yours? 

Politics, religion, and drinking habits are all worth considering when looking for a new partner. If you absolutely wouldn’t date someone with a differing political viewpoint or someone outside your religion, you need to be honest with yourself and others. No one wants to spend time with someone they know won’t like them or won’t take them seriously as a relationship prospect.  

If you appreciate wine, for example, it may become a sticking point if someone you meet doesn’t drink. Or, if you’ve raised your children and are ready to travel regularly, but someone you’re considering dating is still deep in the throes of dealing with their teens and cannot traverse the globe for months at a time, this person may not be compatible, even though they may have been a few years earlier when, you, too, were raising kids. Bottom line: You could be the same age as someone else, yet your lifestyles could differ immensely.  

What would you be willing to sacrifice for a partner? 

This last question might raise some eyebrows. But the question remains: Should we expect to sacrifice aspects of a life we’ve worked so hard to build for a new partner? The answer is maybe. 

The reality is that no potential partner you meet will check every box. It’s just not possible, and it’s not because you’re over 50. The same was true when you were dating when you were younger, and there appeared to be fewer entanglements.  

While that may have been true in certain respects, even young daters have their challenges: their childhood, quirks, and aspirations that could affect their timing for entering a relationship. But when someone, you or anyone else, takes a leap of faith to give a relationship a try, something usually has to give, even a little.  

Time is not unlimited, and there will always need to be sacrifices on both partners’ parts to make any relationship work. How many sacrifices and to what degree will be up to you to decide. And whether that person you’ve set your sights on is not just worth it but would do the same for you.   

Practical Tips to Make Traveling With a New Partner Fun and Not Weird

Planning your first getaway can be one of the most exciting times in a new relationship. It can also be one of the most unnerving since people’s travel habits can be quite specific. Though you want to be comfortable away from home and make the most of your trip, you also don’t want to come off as high maintenance or weird, making the entire experience feel even weirder.  

You also don’t want to appear judgy about your partner’s travel habits and preferences, even if you assess each other on the trip, which would be natural. After all, you can learn a lot about your partner by spending time with them away from their normal stomping ground.  

Yes, it’s a lot of pressure, but you can implement a few strategies to relieve it. They are as follows. 

Plan thoroughly. 

The less you leave to chance, the better off you both will be. That means making as many plans as possible to create stability on your trip. To that end, research destinations, accommodations, and transportation thoroughly. Even if you are surprising your partner with a trip, consider surprising them before booking it so they are comfortable with your suggestions.   

People have different comfort levels, from where they will rest their heads at night to the excursions they want to sign up for. With this in mind, you don’t want to take anything for granted with a partner you’ve never traveled with and don’t know well.  

Though it can cut into the element of surprise, it’s still better to check with your partner first. When you know someone better, it’s easier to surprise them. Or choose not to since you know they don’t like surprises.  

Discuss the sleeping arrangements in advance.  

Take nothing for granted, including the person you’re dating wanting to share a room with you on a trip. This holds even if you’ve been sleeping together or having sleepovers at each other’s homes. Instead, ask if they would be comfortable sharing a room on a trip, and don’t take offense if their answer differs from what you were expecting.  

Though you may have been intimate and woken up together in the morning, doing it for more than a day at a time may cause someone to consider whether they are ready for that level of togetherness.  

Even if your partner says that they aren’t ready yet, keep in mind that it doesn’t have to be a commentary on the status of your relationship or how they feel about you. Timelines can vary. 

Talk about expectations about who’s paying for what.  

Hard conversations are usually necessary, and that includes conversations about money. When planning a trip, it’s important to consider not just your partner’s budget if you are expecting them to contribute but also whether they are comfortable with someone else (you) paying their way on all or certain purchases.  

Again, everyone has values driving their behavior, and it’s best to get these out in the open since you may not have had the opportunity to learn what values they hold dear or see how they apply them in real-world scenarios.  

Your partner, despite how wealthy or not wealthy they are, may also differ on what they think is worth paying a premium for on a trip; some people will sink money into accommodations, for example, while others will prioritize where they eat. It’s not always about what someone can afford but what they consider luxuries.  

Keep your stuff separate when you pack.  

For many, packing space is high-end real estate, so don’t expect someone you don’t know all that well to part with it easily for you. Even if you have been married for decades, you may still find your personal effects receiving an icy welcome from your spouse’s luggage. 

Then, of course, there is the matter of how you pack. From sloppy packers to those who use packing cubes, there is typically a method to the madness, and you don’t want to interfere with what makes someone else comfortable traveling.  

Refrain from critiquing someone’s travel habits or tolerance level.  

You will undoubtedly form opinions based on your partner’s travel habits or tolerance level. That said, even if you have what you believe are some good ideas for them that could improve the way they pack or up their tolerance level for certain activities, keep your suggestions to yourself. No one wants to feel they are doing things “wrong” or pressured to do something they aren’t comfortable with. You are not their parent, and you could come off as controlling or as a know-it-all. Neither is appealing.  

Brace yourself for things to go wrong.  

No trip is without its hiccups; some are bigger than others, the worst of which is realizing that you and your partner aren’t compatible. If that’s the case, so be it.  

Make the most of your trip anyway, which shouldn’t be longer than a few days if it’s the first one. Enjoy the experience as much as possible, remaining respectful and kind, even if your partner is less than that.  

Then, when you are back home, reevaluate your relationship and proceed accordingly. Or, if you had a great time on your trip, begin planning the next one, recognizing that getting to know each other more fully and liking what you see is the best part of the journey.  

Body Positivity and Self-Love: How to Date With Confidence at Midlife

Dating at midlife can be eye-opening, especially if you haven’t been “out there” for years, maybe decades. Though it’s no secret that the dating landscape has changed due to technology and evolving dating norms, other transformations could impact how you approach — and fare  — in the modern dating landscape. One of those transformations is in how you look.  

You may be thinking how superficial it is to discuss one’s appearance. Sorry, not sorry. The hard truth is that none of us are immune from aging. No matter how much we exercise, how nutritional our diets are, and how many treatments we undergo, we will inevitably look different from years past.  

You may also think that if someone doesn’t like how you look, they can look elsewhere. While you’d be completely right to say this, and they can, your opinion of your body and overall appearance, i.e., how much you love and appreciate yourself, counts most. After all, if you aren’t able to go into dating feeling body-positive and loving yourself, you can’t expect someone else to, right?  

I know, easier said than done. Our eyes can play tricks on us. So can department store mirrors under glaring fluorescent lights and reflections in store windows we catch out of the corners of our eyes. Fair enough. Even so, there are ways to rewrite that self-deprecating narrative we may have about our bodies in midlife. Here’s what you can do.

Face reality.   

No, you are not 18 anymore. Or in your twenties, thirties, or however old you were when you believe you were at your prime lookswise. Fortunately, there are other ways to be in your prime: your familial relationships, your friendships, your career, and your understanding of the world around you, to name a few.  

Appearance is only one aspect of who you are and doesn't stay the same. It changes like everything else about you. That’s a reality. So, the sooner you stop fighting it, the less inadequate you will feel.  

Stop comparing yourself to others. 

When you aren’t happy with your body, comparing yourself to anyone you meet is easy. Even if you accept that you won’t look the same as you did when you were younger and accept that those you meet who are younger may have a more youthful body than yours, it’s still all too easy to compare yourself to your peers. “They’re thinner, they’re heavier, they have more wrinkles than I do, and they’re more/less toned than me” are all phrases that can run through your mind and become detrimental. 

Good news: You can train your brain not to go down this rabbit hole. And should, since no matter what you do, there will always be someone better looking, more intelligent, taller, and wealthier to make you feel less than if you let it. Bad habits are meant to be broken.  

Be your best self. 

Though comparing yourself to others isn’t opportune, comparing yourself to your vision of your best self can be beneficial. If done positively and not to extremes, it’s possible to create healthy internal competition.  

We generally have some idea if we are functioning optimally or know we can do better in certain areas of our lives. So, if you realize you could benefit from shedding weight, take steps to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise more. If you want to be more toned, do resistance training. If food is an emotional crutch, figure out the underlying reasons. If you’re sedentary, consider why. Are you depressed? Are you feeling defeated? The point is to get to the bottom of it. 

Don’t be afraid to enlist appropriate support to help change your mindset and habits. Becoming your best self doesn’t have to be a one-person job. 

Surround yourself with positive people.  

Words hurt. So does a sideways glance or silence when words of encouragement are called for. If the people around you are cutting you down or not providing the support you want or should expect from them, distance yourself and find different people to spend your time with. It is that simple.  

Negativity does not have to be a fact of life, and if you haven’t had this epiphany yet, let me inspire it in you: You don’t have to accept bad behavior from others. But do … 

Accept that self-love can take time to nurture.  

Love is not always “at first sight,” including our love for ourselves and our bodies. We all have a past that has contributed to who we are and how we see ourselves. Again, it may take breaking bad habits to leave the past behind. It may also take reacquainting yourself with who you are, what and whom you enjoy, and what you don’t.  

Sound like a huge undertaking? It is. But rest assured, this is a process, not an overnight fix. Therefore, you don’t have to drop everything you’re doing in your life, including dating. Dating can very much be part of learning how to love and appreciate all it is that you have to offer.  

For it to happen, though, it’s important to be cognizant that you are a work in progress, as we all are and always will be. And that you can’t expect to give your heart fully to someone else until you’ve given it to yourself first.  

How to Meet Singles in a New City After 50

It’s becoming increasingly common for singles 50 and over to make a fresh start by moving to a new city. Whether because of a divorce, finances, an empty nest, the pull to be somewhere new, or all of the above, they usually want to know the best ways to meet singles in a new city once they have their feet planted on the ground. Fortunately, there isn’t only one way, leaving singles who’ve moved to a new city with plenty of options. So, if you’re considering a move, here are a few suggestions.   

Ask people in your existing network for an introduction. 

When you move (or before that), let your existing network know where you’ve gone and that you're open to connecting with people they know in your new city. Mind you, they don’t have to know the people they’re introducing you to all that well. It could be their colleague, someone they knew from their college days, or the brother-in-law of their sister-in-law. Even if those people don’t become your besties or friends in any way, they could offer information to help you ease into your new surroundings, such as names of healthcare providers, restaurants, and, yes, more introductions. 

Call houses of worship in the area.  

Before you move, Google the denomination of your choice and houses of worship near your new city. Then, call the ones on your list. Ask for the membership office and tell the person there that you are relocating to the area and that you are also single. 

For starters, many houses of worship offer reduced membership rates for singles and events aimed directly at singles. Ask the membership director if they offer both. If they do, see if someone from the specific groups there, either a group leader or a member, can explain more about what they do. If you are visiting before you move and have the time, it can also be helpful in your research to attend a service or two or, if they allow it, an event.  

Tap local chapters of your favorite charitable organizations in your new city.  

Before you get there or once you are there, if you have a charitable organization you have been engaged with or want to get involved now, reach out and see when their next event is. Though these events won’t be specifically for singles, many single people are active in their communities in this way. Apart from meeting other singles, you can make new friends while helping others.   

Join activities and leagues.  

If you like playing tennis or pickleball, find a league you can join. Interested in photography, hiking, or art? There are meetup groups with single members waiting to meet you. Even if you’ve never done a particular activity before, sign up. Learning alongside others can be a wonderful way to bond.  

As you start making friends and acquaintances, don’t be shy about letting them know you are single and available to date. 

Want to know a secret? The best people to play matchmaker are people who are happily married or happy in their relationships. So, don’t limit your new network to only single people. Chat with those who are married or already in a relationship and let them know you’d be happy to be fixed up with someone they know and think would be a good match for you. You can also always go to a matchmaker with a vast network who can advise you on being a better dater. 

As you begin dating, ask people you date who don’t work out to fix you up with someone in their network.  

Picture this: You meet someone you like and go on a date but soon discover you’re not a match or the chemistry isn’t there. However, they were nice, and you like and respect them. They feel the same about you, which is why you part ways on good terms.  

In this scenario, consider asking them if they wouldn’t mind introducing you to someone they know and offer to do the same as you continue on your travels in your new community. Judge the situation to see if a friendship may be possible. The larger your network, the more chances you have to meet other singles.  

Try online dating in your new area.  

If you are familiar with online dating and have a favorite app, reactivate and update your dating profile to reflect your new city. Then buckle up!  

Even if you didn’t have luck with online dating in your old city, that doesn’t mean you won’t have luck now. Cities have different vibes. You probably do, too, given you are in a new town with a new outlook.  

Stay positive while being patient.   

Meeting people you like and feel comfortable with, including other singles, can take time. Though moving to a new city can be lonely, staying positive and giving it time is helpful. Likes attract likes, and if you want to meet someone positive, someone who’s happy with themselves and optimistic about the future, you have to radiate that, too. A blank slate in a new city is just the place to do it.   

Funny or Sarcastic? The Role of Humor in Building a Strong Relationship

When you are perusing online dating profiles, you probably come across those who boast that they are witty or sarcastic to describe their sense of humor. Without a doubt, a sense of humor is an asset, but being funny and being sarcastic are two distinct ways of joking around.  

The latter should give you pause because it could indicate other issues lurking below the surface and not too far below either. So, if someone is communicating that sarcasm is how they prefer to communicate when trying to be funny, take heed. Here’s why.  

Sarcasm can be hurtful.  

In a very basic sense, sarcasm masked as humor can sting. We have all been with someone who insulted us, only to quickly follow it up by saying, “Just kidding.” Or, “That was a joke.”  

However, you will soon realize who you're dealing with when you challenge that person about what they said. A person who truly didn’t mean any harm will acknowledge quickly that they misspoke and be apologetic. You can take them at their word if it’s the first time, but if it continues to happen, then you should be wary.  

A person who meant to insult you under the guise of making a joke will respond, saying something like, “Can’t you take a joke?” or “You’re too sensitive.” This is gaslighting, the other person making it seem like you are the problem, not them. It is then that you will know you have an issue on your hands. Emotional abuse is subtle. It can come in the form of humor, except it’s no laughing matter.  

If someone you’re dating is making “jokes” at your expense, let them know right after it happens that what they have said is offensive. If they don’t stop, it may be time to reevaluate the relationship and consider your options, which is to seek couples and individual counseling or break up.  

Humor can be attractive.  

For many people, a sense of humor is attractive. Whether you’re the funny one, the person you’re dating is, or you are both on the same wavelength about what you consider funny, humor can bring you and a partner closer.  

There’s nothing like exchanging a glance with someone you care about and knowing you know what each other are thinking and that giving the look only the two of you understand means you are both cracking up inside. It really doesn’t get much better than that, so if you are finding it with someone new or enjoying it with your current partner, consider it a plus.  

Spending time enjoying other people’s humor.  

You’ve probably heard the expression “Laughter is the best medicine.” It’s true; if you’re feeling down, a funny comment, joke, anecdote, or story, when appropriately placed, can be uplifting. Often, the more, the merrier.   

If you and/or your partner are funny people, you probably know or are friends with some people who are the same way. Spend time with them, too. Going out as couples or in groups can be quite enjoyable and another way for you and your partner to bond over some laughs. 

Still another place to find laughter: professional (or even not so professional) comedians. If you enjoy comedy, go see a comic perform live. Whether you are seeing a comedian in an arena or in a smoky comedy club, or even at an open mic night, it can make for a fun date night. So, too, can booting up Netflix for an evening at home with the streaming service’s lineup, which changes regularly.  

One partner can be funny and the other partner not so funny.  

Not everyone has the same sense of humor, and that’s OK, too. If you’re dating someone and you don’t find them funny when they’re trying to be funny, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are being unkind. But it may mean your style of humor doesn’t match.  

If your humor styles don’t match, don’t worry just yet; it doesn’t signal that your relationship is doomed. There are plenty of couples where one person is the funny one, while the other is more serious. That could very well be the dynamic that works for you and your partner, and it could be this exact dynamic that you both find attractive. It can all work, as long as the person cracking the jokes isn’t doing it at the expense of their partner.  

Final thoughts … 

Humor, like finding a healthy relationship, is personal. What one person finds amusing will not be the same for another. But that’s the magic of dating — discovering what makes someone tick. Revealing those quirks that one person may have found irritating and you find adorable, cute, and, yes, funny.  

Until the day finally comes that you realize you’ve found your person, your soulmate, your best friend. The day you both find yourself laughing without having an inkling what you’re laughing about because you’re just so happy and in love. 

When and How Do You Say Thank You After a Date?

As someone single and dating, you’ve probably wondered at least a few times when the best time is to say thank you for a date. Before you part ways? A few hours later? The next day? After the other person says it? Even more confusing is when you ask around and hear conflicting advice.  

Having been a matchmaker for more than three decades, I am here to put an end to that confusion and provide a few easy rules to make dating less confusing than it already is. The short answer to the question of when and how to say thank you after a date is it depends. It depends on whether you are the man or the woman or dating someone of the same sex. For the long answer, read on.  

If You Are a Woman Dating a Man 

At the beginning of any relationship, it is the man’s job to pursue and the woman’s job to be pursued. He is the giver; she is the receiver. This goes on until he chooses her to be his girlfriend in an exclusive relationship.  

So, if he invites you on a date, he pays. After a few dates, you can pick up something small, like ice cream, after he takes you to dinner or plans and pays for an activity. He gives, you receive. As the receiver, however, you need to be gracious, and the best way to do this is to say thank you. Beyond that, you owe nothing else. You are not in a relationship. Yet. 

If you want to be in one, and even if you don’t, express your thanks at the end of the date and before parting ways: “Thank you for a wonderful time.” That’s it. If you’d like to see him again, you can add that you had fun. 

Once you part ways, do not text him. Do not call him. And, by all means, do not ask him when you will see each other again. That’s his responsibility, not yours. The only exception to texting him after the date is if he specifically asks you to text him when you get home so he knows you arrived safely. Do so, but do not thank him again. Once was perfect. More than that makes you appear a little too grateful for whatever he has done for you, however nice. Whatever it was, remember that you are worth it. 

If you do not hear from him after your date, regardless of how well you think it went, do not “remind” him you are available by reaching out to thank him again. If he wants you, he knows where to find you. You are worth being courted. 

If You Are a Man Dating a Woman   

If you are a man, study the above to understand your role as the pursuer of a woman you like. If you enjoyed the woman’s company, tell her so at the end of the date: “Thank you for coming to meet me. I had a great time.” 

See to it that she gets home safely by requesting that she text you when she arrives. While she’s on her way home, if you’re interested in her, feel free to send a second text thanking her for a lovely evening. If you want to wait until she texts you when she gets home, thank her for letting you know and again for the nice evening. 

You may be wondering why she only has to text thank you once when you’re still together, but you can text thank you more than once, and that’s because, despite you asking for the date and paying, she gave you something even more valuable: her time and company. If you acknowledge that, you will be setting yourself up for success in securing a second date with her, though there’s no guarantee she will accept. Even so, she will appreciate you taking these actions.  

If it turns out you’re not a match, she could know someone who is or just be inclined to speak favorably about you afterward, so your kindness may go further than you thought.  

If You Are a Same-Sex Couple 

For same-sex dates, the person who asks for the date could be the one who picks up the tab, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be so; both people may choose to split the bill.  

Regardless of who paid, you and the other person gave your time and energy to the date and should thank one another before parting ways. Whoever’s interested in pursuing the relationship should also feel free to reach out by text and send a second thank you if it feels right to do that. The same manners apply here but with less formality around gender.  

Final thoughts … 

There are seldom situations when saying thank you after someone gives or does something for you would be wrong. Saying thank you only becomes complicated when there’s too much of a good thing. 

It’s irrelevant if the relationship is not destined to move forward; say thank you anyway because that’s what people with manners do, and finding someone with manners is a green flag that may indicate there are more green flags to discover. Not only do you want to receive that signal from someone else, but you want to make sure you send it, too. The right person will notice.  

Thinking About Dating With a Busy Schedule? What You Should Consider

It’s no secret that dating takes effort, a positive attitude, and money. But what it also takes is time — a good amount of it if you want to be successful, i.e., meeting not just matches but viable matches. Most people are busy with family, work commitments, friends, and supporting causes they believe in, so the effort you put into dating must be deliberate. It means you may have to find time where you didn’t think it existed before. Here are a few questions to ask yourself as you go about doing so. 

Are you ready to date and willing to commit time to looking for matches? 

People tend to do what they want when they want, so you need to get real with yourself about whether you’re ready to date and, if you are, whether you’re willing to commit time (and how much of it) to dating. That means also committing time to finding someone to date first.  

Yes, scrolling through profiles takes time. So does interacting with matches, whether you are doing so through the dating app, text, video, or the phone.  

Remember, you can hire a professional to take scrolling and early communication off your plate. Even so, you will still have to allocate time to go through the matches collected for you and act on them. In other words, there’s no getting around how long meeting someone can take, which is why you should clarify whether this is the right point in your life for you to try. If it is …  

Are you willing to commit time to going out on dates? 

Suppose you’ve managed to carve out time to find matches and have reached the point where you’re ready to schedule dates with a few different people. Are you now willing to commit time to going out on the dates you set up?  

Even short dates, like coffee dates, take time. There is the time to get there, the time you spend talking, and the time you will need to get back home or to the office. Meals and activities, of course, will take longer.  

If you’re planning on dating a few people, which you should when you’re newly single since smart dating is about meeting as many people as possible until you find one person you want to date more regularly, that will require even more time. Do you have it, and if you find it in your busy schedule, are you willing to devote it to this endeavor? Again, it’s important to understand this.  

Are you clear on your dating goals? 

How much time you’re willing to devote to dating will depend on the kind of relationship you want. Presumably, if you’re searching for a life partner or spouse, you will be more discerning in your choices than if you want to stay strictly casual and can move from person to person freely. The latter relationship partner, who you should apprise of your relationship goals with full transparency, will also likely not demand as much of your time and be more understanding if you’re unavailable to see them.  

If all your busy schedule can accommodate is a casual relationship, there’s nothing wrong with looking for one. However, it helps to be clear with yourself as much as it does dating prospects about your intentions from the beginning to avoid confusion and not waste anyone’s time, including your own, especially since you are already in short supply of it.  

Are you prepared for what will happen if you meet someone you like? 

Now suppose, after all this, you find someone you want to date more seriously and, as a result, more often. Will you have time for that? This question, too, is important to consider because you don’t want to find yourself having to throw back a great catch only for someone else to scoop that person up.  

If someone is as amazing as you think they are, another person will probably think the same. So, you want to be prepared if your dating goals, especially if yours is to find a partner, come to fruition. The best way to do this is to look at your calendar to see where you can find time and whether you would be willing to make certain concessions if you had to in the name of a relationship.   

How to Find Time in a Busy Schedule to Date and Have a Relationship 

As mentioned earlier, people generally do what they want and find ways to do it when push comes to shove. If you’re considering dating and what would happen if you met the person of your dreams, pretend you are already in that situation and ask what you would do. 

If you’re not an organized person or, on the other hand, are extremely regimented, you may want to think about mending your ways and consider the commitments you could or would be willing to move around. The first that comes to mind is when you exercise. With so many gyms, classes, and home workouts available, many scheduling options exist. If you’re working out during prime dating hours and anticipate a conflict, see if you can do your workouts in the morning or at lunchtime instead. 

Speaking of lunchtime or even breakfast, both times, despite being during the workday, can do double duty as a date. So can grabbing a coffee mid-afternoon if you are able to sneak away for a break.  

Do you love to walk early in the morning? See if your date would like to join you and top it off with a fruit smoothie afterward. Do you like to walk home from work or right after work? Make it a date. The key is to get creative and maximize your time.  

Do you not like talking on the phone with people you’re considering dating or people you are? Walk and talk at the same time. Fold your laundry. Tidy up. Just because you’re talking doesn’t mean you can’t be on the move. Drives are also good times to connect. That’s what Bluetooth is for.  

Finally, consider how much time you’re wasting during the day or how much time you spend doing something unproductive that you could reduce or let go of in favor of spending time with a person whose company you enjoy. Someone who could make you stop looking at the clock. Someone you could consider spending a lifetime with. Would you find time then? 

The Legal Dangers for Women Posting in ‘Are We Dating the Same Guy?’ Facebook Groups

If you’re single, you may have heard about one of the many “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups. If you haven’t, these ubiquitous groups, whose stated mission is to offer community and support to their female members, effectively provide a closed platform for women to share their dating experiences and warn one another about potential red flags.   

Women generally join these groups to discuss their experiences with a specific individual they’ve dated or are currently dating because, for whatever reason, something that person has said or done doesn’t feel quite right. Because of the free flow of information, the groups have also become popular spots for those looking to exchange details about someone they recently connected with online, especially when concerns about anything from their pre-date behavior to marital status arise. Discussions tend to include personal anecdotes, warnings, revelations of men’s past criminal history, and stories of unpleasant encounters. 

Of course, you know the old expression about doing good deeds. While women may initially turn to these groups for validation or support, especially if they feel that the person they’re dating has dismissed their concerns or they feel unsure about their partner’s intentions, the public nature of such discussions can pose legal risks. Therefore, if you are a woman considering joining one or more of the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups (joining multiple groups can offer added coverage), or if you are currently a member, you may want to consider the following.  

Privacy 

One of the most obvious risks of posting in an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group is the potential for exposing personal information. While group members might intend to merely share their experiences for the protection of others, doing so can inadvertently lead to disclosing sensitive details that violate the privacy belonging to the person they’re speaking about.  

That, in turn, can lead to data misuse or abuse. Misuse or abuse you likely would never have anticipated. Criminals, for example, can be pretty crafty when looking for ways to leverage even the most seemingly minute details. So can a disgruntled ex looking to cause trouble.   

Defamation  

You can defame someone by making false statements, including online, that harm a person’s reputation. If you share untrue or misleading information, such as posting accusations or negative comments that are not substantiated by evidence, you could be found guilty of defamation should that person decide to pursue legal action against you. It won’t matter what your intention was.  

In addition to the stress of having to defend yourself in a lawsuit, you may end up having to pay damages and, with that, high legal bills. All for having an online conversation in a group that’s supposedly private. For the record, nothing online is private, despite the measures and lengths those who run these groups take to ensure privacy.  

Emotional and Psychological Impact 

It’s no secret that lawsuits are stressful. Stress, as has been well documented, can negatively impact your physical, mental, and emotional health. 

And not just yours; negative comments or accusations posted in “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups can cause serious psychological harm to the person who’s the subject of your discussions. They can be embarrassed, become anxious or depressed, and isolated as a result of a single post that garners a lot of attention. Word spreads fast, and people won’t generally look to see if what they’re reading or hearing has been verified as truthful first.  

The result can affect every aspect of a person’s life, including their work, interpersonal relationships, and self-worth. Moreover. the subject of your post might also face harassment or bullying, further piling on the damage. 

The emotional effect can be long-lasting, too; it can lead to paranoia, distrust, and withdrawal from society. In extreme situations, the stress from public shaming can cause severe anxiety and depression, maybe even lead to suicide. 

Beyond the risks to the other person, your participation in “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups can affect your life in similar ways. Friends, family, and colleagues may frown upon your online behavior, taking it out on you by ending friendships, talking about you behind your back, and alienating you from the people who were once your supporters.  

Repairing reputational damage isn’t something you can accomplish overnight or even at all. This reality is especially true in an age where online posts can live forever despite being removed. Such a lasting effect can make it problematic to move forward. 

Understanding Your Legal Rights 

Given the risks posed by posting online in a “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook group, it’s helpful to be aware of your legal rights. Although U.S. law protects free speech, there are nuances to such protections you may not be aware of. 

Should you face legal issues as a result of posting online about someone you dated, speak with an attorney as soon as you can. An attorney skilled in defending defamation claims or handling issues involving privacy can offer you guidance on how to handle the specifics of your situation.  

Final thoughts … 

Participating in online groups like “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” can be tempting. However, it’s necessary to recognize that while such discussions can lend comfort in the short term, that comfort can result in a lot of discomfort later.  

A less risky and more constructive dating strategy is to focus on searching for relationships and connections that will bring positivity into your life and letting go of those that don’t. Shifting attention away from negative experiences and toward uplifting ones can be much more rewarding. And come at far less of a price.  

Not legal advice. Consult a lawyer for professional guidance.

How Do You Let Someone You No Longer Want to Date Down Easy?

Ending a relationship is rarely painless, especially when you want to consider the other person’s feelings. So, it’s something you should focus on becoming skilled at. If you don’t, drama shall find you. With this in mind, here are a few tips about how to handle letting someone you no longer want to date down easy. 

Get clear about your own feelings first. 

Before you have “the conversation,” take some time to understand and clarify your own feelings about the relationship. This is important for making sure that you are firm in your decision and that you are able to communicate it clearly and sincerely.  

To that end, reflect on why you no longer wish to continue the relationship. Are there specific reasons, or has the spark faded? 

When you’ve determined your reasons, approach the conversation with honesty. That said, as you express your feelings, do so without blaming the other person. You can do this by using “I” statements rather than “they” statements.  

Your conversation shouldn’t be about making the other person feel bad about something they’ve done or about themselves. Instead, it should be about conveying that the relationship is no longer working for you. Being honest with yourself and then them is the first step toward a respectful and kind breakup. 

Choose the right setting to end the relationship.  

The environment in which you choose to end a relationship can directly affect how the conversation goes. Unless you feel you will be in danger, choose a private setting where both of you will feel comfortable enough to speak freely without distractions or interruptions.  

Public places, while sometimes convenient, might not offer the space required for a sensitive discussion. If you do choose to meet in public, pick a spot that’s still quiet enough to hear each other speak. 

Timing is similarly important. Avoid discussions at stressful times of the day, such as during work hours or in the heat of an argument. Your goal should always be to offer a positive conclusion to your time together, and choosing the right setting helps facilitate that. 

Be empathetic and respectful.  

When it’s time for the conversation, approach it with empathy and respect. However, be careful not to compromise respect for yourself or change your position because you feel their pain.  

Remain focused on how the relationship no longer aligns with your needs, not how it lacked. Taking this more positive approach will soften the blow and demonstrate to the other person that your decision is based on you, not them, their deficiencies, or anything they did wrong or didn’t do at all.  

Provide closure.  

Providing closure is important for you and the person you were dating to move forward independently of each other. After expressing your decision to break up, give them the space to process their feelings. They may also have questions or want to share their thoughts and emotions about the relationship or you.  

It’s important to listen to these responses as long as they are respectful and you don’t feel unsafe. Demonstrate that you understand their position and are compassionate. 

As hard as it may be to say goodbye, avoid leaving things between you open-ended. Make sure there’s no ambiguity about the relationship being over. Such clarity will help prevent false hope and allow both of you to start the healing process. 

Support their (and your) healing by going ‘no contact.’  

During the conversation, it’s OK to offer immediate support and compassion. It’s OK to reassure them that you care about their well-being and that you thought long and hard before making your decision. Do, however, explain that for both of you to heal, it will be best to establish a “no contact” period after you end the conversation. 

Going no contact creates the space needed to truly move on and heal. This applies to you, too, even though you were the one to initiate the breakup. Staying in contract could cause you to second-guess yourself without ample time to reflect.   

During the period of no contact, focus on your personal growth. Your ex will have the opportunity to do the same. With continued contact comes confusion. No contact is, without a doubt, a difficult period, but it’s most effective for moving forward. 

Final thoughts …

Breakups are a part of life. They are also catalysts for growth, particularly when handled with sensitivity and care.  

The goal is thus for you and the other person to leave your relationship feeling like you gained something from your experience together. And to approach your next relationship stronger and more educated about what you want from a partner. In other words, better off for having known them.  

Can You Prevent Your Partner from Cheating on You?

No matter how great a relationship is going, the fear of a partner cheating can creep in, causing anxiety, uncertainty, and, yes, fear. It’s understandable; according to one 2024 statistic, nearly 40% of unmarried couples and 25% of married ones experience at least one instance of infidelity. Which means there are many people out there who’ve cheated or been cheated on, perhaps both. 

People cheat for all kinds of reasons, including boredom, not getting their needs met, and insecurity. Knowing these motivations doesn’t make cheating acceptable, but it can help you look at your relationship with more awareness and understanding.  

It might also make you wonder: Can you do anything to prevent your partner from cheating on you?  

The honest answer is that while you can’t control someone else’s behavior, you can build a relationship predicated on trust, communication, and mutual respect, three key ingredients that can help keep you and your partner committed to each other. Here’s how.  

Keep the conversation flowing. 

One of the best ways to build a strong relationship is to create an atmosphere conducive to open communication. In other words, no topic should be off-limits.   

If something bothers you, talk to your partner about it. Share your feelings, concerns, and expectations so everything is out in the open.  

As important as it is to be open, it is equally as important to bring up sensitive topics in a non-confrontational and kind way. Your delivery can make a big difference in how your partner receives what you’re telling them.  

The reward for communicating well should be obvious: When both of you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts without judgment, you can address issues before they spiral out of control.  

Prioritize emotional intimacy. 

Emotional intimacy is what binds a relationship. It goes way beyond physical attraction and connects you on a deeper level.  

To deepen emotional intimacy, engage in activities you both enjoy and make an effort to understand each other’s needs, physical and emotional. Listen to each other. When your emotional bond is strong, it becomes less likely for either of you to seek connection elsewhere. 

Establish trust. 

A healthy relationship is built on trust. Without it, insecurity and suspicion can take hold. Keep in mind, though, that trust isn’t a given; trust is established over time through consistent and honest actions.  

If you or your partner has compromised the trust you shared in the past, rebuilding it will require patience and effort from both of you. To that end, be reliable, keep your promises, and demonstrate to your partner that they can depend on you. 

Keep the spark between you alive. 

Relationships can sometimes settle into a familiar rhythm, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. However, it’s helpful for your relationship to endure to keep the spark alive so that routine doesn’t become a rut.  

To keep your relationship from getting stale, surprise each other with little gestures, plan date nights, and explore new activities as a couple. Devoting time and attention to romance and spontaneity can help you and your partner to continue feeling valued, appreciated, and loved. 

Set healthy boundaries and enforce them as needed. 

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean restricting your partner’s freedom. Rather, it means setting standards that reflect an understanding of each other’s comfort levels and that you respect them.  

In that regard, create expectations about what’s acceptable and what’s not in your interactions with others so you don’t run into issues with micro-cheating in your relationship. By having regular conversations with your partner, you can make sure you’re both on the same page and avoid future misunderstandings. 

Steer clear of the comparison trap. 

An easy way to undermine your partner is to compare them to people you know, even ones you don’t. Instead of making comments like, “Look what so-and-so just bought his girlfriend/wife” or “Can you believe how amazing so-and-so looks in a swimsuit?” ask yourself how you would feel if your partner made the same comment to you.  

If you want more in your relationship, something that speaks to your particular love language, ask for it directly. Passive-aggressive behavior usually doesn’t yield the response you’re looking for, but being direct does. And if, for whatever reason, you find yourself disappointed, you’ll at least have enough information to address the issue in a way that still serves you. 

Limit social media. 

Social media can be a real relationship killer, especially given how certain behaviors, based on the rules of your relationship, can be construed as micro-cheating or lead to unequivocal cheating. Even if you or your partner haven’t done anything wrong, the behaviors of others can make for some very tense conversations between partners or create hard feelings. If you can, limit your social media usage or avoid it altogether and keep your relationship private.  

Final thoughts … 

Obviously, you can’t stop someone from cheating if that’s what they choose to do, but you can create an environment in your relationship that makes cheating less likely. By focusing on clear communication, trust, emotional intimacy, and keeping the romance alive, you will have the tools to build a relationship where both you and your partner feel secure. 

In the end, a strong relationship is a partnership in which both people are committed to each other’s happiness and well-being. By nurturing this bond, you give your relationship the greatest potential to enrich your and your partner’s life in all the ways a healthy connection should. 

What to Do When You’re Having Trouble Moving on From a Past Relationship

Breakups can be hard when they first happen and in the following weeks, perhaps months. It’s to be expected whether you were the one to end the relationship or they did. Letting go of hopes and expectations can be a big letdown. 

After taking time to heal, re-evaluate your priorities, and engage in some self-care, people usually begin to emerge from their sadness and embrace the future with positivity. Some, however, don’t ever seem to reach this point, even though they may, at first glance, outwardly be doing everything that indicates they are healed.  

Once you spend time with them for a while, you realize that, in fact, they are not doing as well as they appear and are having trouble moving on from a past relationship. A relationship that doesn’t have to be their most recent relationship, either.  

If you look, the signs are there. They do things like bring their ex up in conversation, talk about them with fervor if someone brings them up in conversation, keep tabs on their life, and secretly hold out hope that their ex will reappear, offering up the relationship they couldn’t or didn’t want to before. The worst part is there’s no time limit for how long a person can remain stuck on an ex. It could be months, years, or even decades.  

What happens is that they either prevent themselves from getting involved in a new relationship or, if they do allow themselves to, they don’t fully invest. How could they when their heart and affections lie elsewhere?  

You may know someone like this, or it might be you. If it is you, and you are having trouble moving on from a past relationship, consider the following tips to let that person go so you can move on with your life and, hopefully, onto someone new who can offer you the relationship you want.  

Train your brain.  

In the same way that you need to exercise your muscles, you will need to train your brain not to think about the person you once were in a relationship with or even just dated. Yes, you can be stuck on someone you were never committed to and who was never committed to you. Feelings are feelings that can develop just as easily after a few dates or a situationship.  

For starters, you will need to actively note when you are thinking about them and then redirect your thoughts elsewhere. It can help to have a go-to thought or a plan to just get up and do something else that can distract you. Figure out what you like to do or what your most pleasant thought is, and go there, even if it’s only in your head.  

A warning: You won’t have success at this overnight. Your mind is strong, and they will give you a run for the money when you try to push repetitive thoughts away. But remember, you are stronger than your rumination, and over time, you will overcome this habitual thinking.  

Go no contact if you haven’t already.  

It’s hard to keep someone out of your head if you see or talk to them every day. That’s why you need to go “no contact.” 

Keep in mind that you may not, in reality, be seeing or talking to your ex. However, if you are connected with them on social media and even if you’re not but looking at their public posts, you will need to stop. Stop also Googling your ex and asking mutual friends what’s happening in your ex’s life.  

If none of the above is possible, i.e., there’s no social media to look at and no mutual friends to hound, you probably have old exchanges, such as texts, emails, and DMs, to pull up, which still counts as seeing them. You need to stop looking at those as well.  

If deleting old correspondence is too much of a leap for you, find a way to archive them so they’re not easily accessible, or just tell yourself you are no longer allowing yourself to look in the interest of healing your heart. The same goes for cards, letters, souvenirs, and mementos. Toss them or put them in a shoebox to look at later or never again.  

Call on others to support you in your healing.  

Once you decide to move on from a past relationship, tell those closest to you your plans so they can offer you support as you need it. Support can come from family members and friends, as well as from a mental health professional or support group.  

The latter two options will likely be more impartial and objective than family and friends about your relationship, so they come to the table with something different from what your regular peeps can offer you. Similarly, a clergyperson in your house of worship may be able to lend a sympathetic ear and offer guidance.  

Whoever you choose and how many, make sure they know they are one of your accountability partners and will be willing to support you as well as be available should you need them. This is where having more than one person to support you can be helpful. People get busy, and you want to make sure you’re covered when you feel most vulnerable.  

Figure Out Your Most Effective relaxation techniques.  

As you begin to pull away from thoughts of your past relationship and start letting go of old dreams related to it, you may find you have moments of anxiety. Apart from leaning on professional support to guide you through these moments of anxiety or depression, including clinical depression that’s ongoing, figure out how best you can relax on your own in difficult moments.  

Whether you choose to go for walks, runs, work out, meditate, or spend time indulging in your favorite pastimes, make sure you are committed to your health and well-being. Self-care can be an effective way to change your mindset during times of emotional strain.  

Start dating again.  

As unappealing as it may feel, jumpstarting your dating life again can help you move forward. In addition to providing a welcome distraction, with enough time, effort, and, most importantly, positive energy, you will eventually realize your ex is not the only person you can mesh with. Because, in fact, you and your ex weren’t meshing, which is why you are no longer together. It takes two to make a relationship work, recall? 

You deserve to have someone in your life who you value and who values you just as much. Who wants a future together, and will move mountains if they have to to make that happen. So, the next time you’re suffering from ex-itis — when you think you’re incapable of moving on from a past relationship — remind yourself that to welcome in the person who is right for you, you first have to usher out the person who was wrong. That applies to the ex who’s already let themselves out. Now, it’s your turn to do the same.  

When Your Partner’s Adult Child Excludes You from Milestone Celebrations

Being told by a member of your partner’s immediate family, especially an adult child, that you are unwelcome at a milestone celebration in honor of that person or a holiday gathering they are hosting can feel like a slap in the face. Although it isn’t your partner who initiated the exclusion, your partner’s behavior afterward often becomes the subject of intense scrutiny as they begin walking the fine line between their loyalty to their adult child and you.  

Figuring out how to proceed next in a way that honors you while preserving their relationship with their daughter or son, which is sure to be strained or further strained by the negative behavior, can be challenging for a partner caught in the middle. Being the perceived subject of the conflict, perceived because there’s often some deeper reason why the adult child has chosen to take the position they have against you, you want to make sure you don’t allow it to strain your relationship with your partner more than it probably is. Here are a few tips for how to not let that happen.  

Discuss the situation with your partner privately.  

Schedule a quiet moment with your partner to share your feelings about being excluded, emphasizing how it impacts you and your relationship. Understandably, you probably have a lot of emotions swirling around in your head, but do your best not to place blame where it doesn’t belong.  

Your partner didn’t create the situation. That said, it is their job to manage it. Allow them the opportunity to do that. Ultimately, it is their decision — and yours — whether you would like to continue in the relationship based on that decision.  

Explore the reasons for the exclusion.  

Ask your partner to help you understand why their adult child is excluding you from their milestone celebration. Consider past conflicts, misunderstandings, or family dynamics that may be contributing to this behavior. 

It is very possible you are merely a pawn in the drama going on and that the adult child is actually treating you badly because they are trying to hurt their parent, are jealous of your relationship with their parent, have negative self-worth, suffer from mental health issues, or some or all of the above. It doesn’t make their ill-treatment of you right, but these explanations can provide some context and a reason for you to brush off behavior that’s a reflection on them, not you.  

Then, of course, there’s the reality that the adult child may just not like you. To which you should say to yourself, “Who cares?” 

Establish relationship guidelines.  

Work with your partner to set clear expectations and boundaries for your involvement in family events so that you are both on the same page about what is acceptable and respectful and what is not. It is very important to be clear about how you feel during this conversation and those on the same subject that follow.  

If you say you are comfortable with a certain outcome when you’re really not, and that outcome comes to pass, you will be resentful. Don’t do that to yourself, your partner, or your relationship. 

Engage a couples counselor if the child’s behavior strains your relationship.  

If the strain is becoming too much, suggest to your partner that you both attend sessions with a couples counselor to address the exclusion issue. A professional can provide a safe space for everyone to express their feelings and work toward a resolution.  

Depending on the feelings the exclusion has evoked for you, you may also want to discuss the matter with a therapist individually. Though your friends and family can be a source of support and comfort, they are more likely not to be impartial, which is what you need now to keep your relationship from being compromised by someone else’s actions.  

Create new traditions.  

Plan alternative celebrations for holidays you’re excluded from, such as a special dinner or outing with your partner. For milestone events that your partner cannot in good conscience avoid, like a funeral or a wedding, allow them to figure out a way to play both sides of the fence, meaning honor you and respect their adult child who’s doing the excluding.  

Creating new traditions around holidays and milestone events that you’ve been excluded from can help reframe the negativity. It reinforces your connection and creates positive memories despite the exclusion. 

Recognize that in these types of situations, no one is going to get what they want entirely — not the adult child, not you, and certainly not your partner who’s been put between a rock and a hard place. The thing you don’t want is for your partner to act in a way that will cause them to feel regret later.  

Final thoughts … 

There’s often an irony in a partner’s adult child trying to exclude you; their behavior only draws you and your partner closer together. When an adult child takes a negative position against their parent’s partner, there’s usually a history that doesn’t make the behavior such a surprise. In other words, your partner likely knows what — and whom — they are dealing with. Judging by how your partner handles the situation, you’ll know who you’re dealing with, too.  

Should I Tell a Woman Her Spouse or Partner Is Cheating?

No one wants to be the bearer of bad news, and telling a woman her spouse or partner is cheating is a special kind of bad. But that doesn’t mean you should necessarily keep the information to yourself.  

Difficult conversations are difficult for a reason. Therefore, you should consider the repercussions of telling a woman her spouse or partner is cheating before having a conversation. Here’s why. 

A woman may act on the information you give her.  

Apart from looking a person in the eye and telling them something difficult to hear, one of the reasons why telling a woman that her spouse or partner is cheating is so daunting is that the woman may act on it in a way that changes the trajectory of her life and perhaps her children’s if she has any. That’s a lot of responsibility on your part.  

Though you may have your opinion about what she should do based on what you would do in the same situation (of course, no one truly knows what they would do until they're faced with making a decision), the woman may have her reasons for responding in the way she does, reasons you may not be privy to. It’s thus important before giving a woman information that her husband is cheating that you consider the possible effect that information could have and also the effect you don’t consider because it’s a wild card.  

Not every woman will want to know.   

You may find that a woman will not want to know what you’re telling her. Ignorance is bliss for many people, and not everyone finds cheating a reason worthy of upending their relationship, maybe even life. This is a personal decision, and if you do tell, you shouldn’t consider it your job to counsel that woman on what she should do with her marriage and family. 

She may not believe you.  

The woman you’re telling may not believe what you’re telling her. Whether it’s because she actually doesn’t believe you, thinks you have an ulterior motive for giving her this information or is in absolute denial and needs time to process the information, she may call you a liar despite you not being one.  

These can be hard words to hear, especially if you value honesty, and that’s the reason you talked to this woman in the first place. No one likes to have their character assaulted. Not to mention, you are convinced she will be better off by receiving the information you give her and are now frustrated on top of whatever else you are feeling that she doesn’t want to believe you.  

You may make an enemy (or enemies) by telling.  

By telling, you risk making an enemy of both the woman you’re telling and the individual who is betraying her. Doing so can put you in a precarious, if not dangerous, position. Again, you never know how someone will react if they feel outed or backed into a corner.  

If you are friends with the woman being cheated on, telling her about her husband may jeopardize your friendship. The reasons for this effect can vary — she may be embarrassed, think you won’t support her in her decision based on this new information, or, as noted above, she doesn’t believe you and is now angry.  

Your information may be incorrect or misleading.  

If you aren’t 100 percent certain about the news you are sharing, it’s important that you let the woman know. This way, she can do whatever verification she needs to make herself feel comfortable that what you say is true.  

You don’t want to be accused of spreading misinformation or causing damage resulting from it that is irreparable. In any event, you want to be pretty close to sure before sharing information with a woman that her spouse or partner is cheating because it can be so damaging.  

Your reasons for telling are self-serving. 

Even if the information you relay is true and the woman acts on it in a way that honors herself and her family, being the messenger may still backfire in your face if she decides that your reasons for telling serve you first.  

Not only can this cast a shadow on your information, but the woman may come to see you in a negative light. It’s best to check in with yourself first about your motives for interfering.  

Final thoughts … 

No matter how you approach the situation, telling a woman her spouse or partner is cheating will cause someone pain. Loss is inevitable, and it may be in more ways than one.  

But even the hardest decisions are more palatable when they are well thought out. Making them becomes easier, and so does living with them.  

How Long Should I Wait for a Man to Commit?

Peruse any single women’s Facebook groups, such as “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” or talk to any woman who’s dating someone they like, and you’ll hear an age-old question that never seems to get old: “How long should I wait for a man to commit?”  

The answers tend to vary, and so do the stories, replete with women who waited too long and those who put on the heat too soon, scaring the guy away. It can all get confusing.  

While there’s no secret formula for how long a woman should wait for a man to commit, a few rules of thumb can help you make this decision. They follow. 

Understand your timeline.  

Everyone has their own timeline for doing things, including staying in a relationship. Your timeline for waiting for a man to commit can depend on various factors: your comfort level, your biological clock, and your career goals, to name just a few. Once you understand the reasons underlying your timeline, having difficult conversations and making decisions based on them should be easier.  

Communicate your intentions for dating and your timeline early. 

When you understand your timeline, it’s important to also let the people you date know about it. Communicating your intentions for dating and your timeline related to it can prevent you from dating people who don’t share your relationship goals.  

How and when you communicate this information to romantic prospects can vary. If you use dating apps, it can be as early as your dating profile. For example, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, say so. The same for marriage. The old adage holds true: If you don’t ask, you don’t get. If you meet someone out in the world — at a party, at the gym, or through a friend — communicate your general dating objectives fairly early on in your dealings with one another.   

Though you don’t want to discuss your desire to get pregnant within a year of dating on a first date, for example, by a few dates in, you should be having conversations clarifying that you both want the same outcome with at least someone, even if it isn’t you. If you don’t want marriage but still want a committed relationship, be specific and say so. A commitment does not necessarily equal marriage. The more clear you are from the beginning, the more information you can gather. 

When a guy tells you what he wants (or doesn’t), believe him. 

This starts on the dating profile, ladies. When a guy says he’s not looking for anything serious, don’t go into your interactions thinking you will be the one to change his mind. Most of the time, you won’t be that person.  

Of course, we all know of a girl who went from a friend with benefits to a wife, but that girl is the exception, not the rule. Think you will be that girl, and you will more likely have set yourself up for disappointment and heartbreak.  

Keep an eye on how your relationship is progressing.  

It’s a good idea to take a step back every now and then to see how your relationship is progressing. In a healthy relationship, you should notice a steady deepening of your emotional bond and trust for one another and an increase in the frequency of conversations you have about your future as a couple. If you’re both opening up more, building trust, and making plans together, it’s a good sign that the relationship is developing in the way you want.   

If you have witnessed instances of micro-cheating or you suspect the person you’re dating is cheating (or has cheated), they are often disrespectful, or they do anything else that doesn’t feel good, then it’s time to reassess whether you would want this man to commit to you. Be careful of what you wish for. If they set this stage for you already, you will continue to be dissatisfied and unhappy.    

Listen to those around you.  

If the people around you — your friends, family, colleagues, even strangers on the street who witness an unhealthy act or verbal exchange — make negative comments about how the person you’re dating treats you or about your relationship in general, take heed. It’s difficult for many people to speak up about sensitive issues like these, and if they are doing so, it’s likely because they’re concerned and they care about you. 

Sometimes, there is an outlier, a friend who doesn’t like the person you’re dating. If it’s just one, consider that person’s motivation for giving feedback, such as jealousy or maybe a personality clash. But also consider that they may have seen or heard something different from everyone else. The point is to be open to the information others give you about your relationship and then decide if there is any merit to it.  

Don’t settle. 

Don’t settle for less than you deserve while waiting for a man you’re dating to commit. Your happiness shouldn’t be tied solely to someone else’s decisions about you. Instead, focus on your life and dreams so that you are fulfilled and content, regardless of your relationship status.  

You should never feel you have to sacrifice your well-being and personal goals to maintain your relationship. You deserve a man who is ready to meet your standards and wants to because he only wants you.      

What to Do When Someone Flirts with Your Partner

“Is this actually happening,” you ask yourself in disbelief. “Who does this person think they are?”  

My guess is that lots of words come to mind, and not many of them are kind.  

Whatever you think, though, doesn’t really matter; the situation they’re creating needs to be addressed. The question is how. 

Decide if the behavior is flirty or friendly.  

Yes, there’s a fine line between the two. The lens you see the world, shaped by your life experiences, including past betrayals, and your knowledge of the person doing the flirting (if you know them), very much determines where that line lies. So, before jumping to conclusions, consider the situation in these terms. If you’re still confident the person was flirting, move on to the next step, which is to … 

Assess your significant other’s response to the flirting.  

There are ways to handle inappropriate attention from someone outside your relationship and ways not to. If your partner was clearly enjoying the attention, encouraging it, or flirting back, gently try to steer the conversation elsewhere.  

If that doesn’t work, in a non-obvious way, urge your significant other to leave this person’s presence with you. Whatever you do, don’t cause a scene; you will only look petty and insecure. Also, you have no idea how your partner or this other person will behave, and you don’t want to risk them doing anything to embarrass you. Any issues in your relationship should be addressed with your partner privately first. 

Speak with your significant other afterward about the incident.  

If this is the first time, it is best to speak with your significant other afterward about what happened, how you felt at the time, and how you feel about it now. When talking to your partner, use words like “I felt …” and “This is what I noticed when …” Next, allow your partner time to respond.  

If they had no clue what was occurring or didn’t see the situation as you did, work together to put yourselves in each other's shoes. Pose the question “How would you feel if …” and pay attention to how your partner responds. If they take to gaslighting you, you may have a different and bigger problem on your hands, one that has nothing to do with the person who was flirting. 

On the other hand, if your partner is empathetic and feels bad about your experience, and you haven’t had a need to have this sort of conversation in the past, don’t harp on the incident. Do, however, discuss where your boundaries around flirting are. 

Set boundaries around flirting. 

Talk about what behaviors are acceptable for each of you and what aren’t. Discuss also what you expect from each other should someone outside your relationship flirt with either of you, whether in each other’s presence or not.  

Boundaries should not apply to just one of you. They are rules for your relationship to keep you both comfortable and should not be seen (or used) as a punishment. 

Speak with the person doing the flirting directly.   

The last resort, and a DEFCON 1 move, is to talk directly to the person doing the flirting. But only do so if this person fits the following profile: they are a repeat offender, and your partner has already made it clear (for real, hopefully) that their advances are unwelcome.  

Depending on the individual, their personality, and their agenda, be prepared for them not to back down. But if your relationship is strong, perhaps made stronger by taking the steps above, you should have nothing to worry about. That is, except maybe getting the hiccups when you and your partner laugh about how pathetic this person is.  

Focus on your relationship. 

Remain focused on each other and your relationship, continuing to deepen it. You can do this by giving each other your time and attention and listening to your partner when they communicate about what they don’t like and what they do. Both matter. Relationships are made up of a series of choices, the most important of which is choosing each other each and every day.  

Should you or your partner stop choosing each other, the time has come to reassess your relationship. Not all relationships are built to last, and trying to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held or who you no longer want to hold is like keeping a bird in a cage when it’s meant to soar.  

Dating Dr. Dolittle: What to Expect When Dating an Animal Lover

If you’ve ever gotten to know an animal lover well, you know how passionate they are — and can become — about the furry friends in their lives and even the furry friends who aren’t. They love with all their hearts and share their exuberance with as many people and causes as possible.  

Not surprisingly, dating an animal lover (as opposed to a pet owner who loves their pet) may be a different experience from those you’ve had before with either animal “likers” or those who just don’t understand the fuss. If you fall into one of these latter categories, too, but have begun dating an animal lover and want to continue doing so, there are a few things you should probably know about what your experience may look like.   

Animals will always be a high priority. 

When you date an animal lover, their pets (and maybe others) will take a high priority in their life. With this in mind, you should prepare yourself to consider your partner’s pets when scheduling dates, weekends away, and vacations. Before all else, your animal-loving partner will want to ensure their pet is healthy, safe, and happy at all times, even if that means cutting plans short.  

You will probably be engaging in some pet-friendly activities.  

Pet-friendly activities will probably be on the calendar, so get ready to go on pet walks, attend events and fundraisers related to pets (pets may even be on the guest list), prepare special pet recipes, talk about pets often, have pets in your bed, and shop at stores devoted exclusively to them. Really, anything about pets will be the order of the day.    

Animal lovers will often have strong feelings about animal rights and welfare.  

Recognizing that animal lovers often have deeply rooted and strong feelings about animal rights and welfare will help you understand better what makes your partner tick. This appreciation can foster a deeper connection and engender respect in your relationship. By doing your own research about pets and participating in pet-related events with your partner, you may find yourself, over time, becoming more empathetic toward their causes of choice, something you never would have thought would happen.  

Animal lovers cannot or will not want to rein in their dedication to animal rights and welfare since it's a significant element of their core values. So, if you are considering asking your partner to tone it down, think of it as basically asking them to change who they are. You wouldn’t want someone asking that of you, would you? 

Building rapport with your partner’s pets will go a long way.  

People who love animals and have pets look at their pets as family members because, to them, they are. Therefore, when you insult, ignore, or minimize a pet’s role in your partner’s life, you are, in effect, insulting their child or best friend. This will do nothing to help you grow closer to your partner. It will likely alienate them from you. 

If you are interested in building a genuine relationship with your partner, think about ways to do the same with your partner’s pet. Even if you have never been an animal lover before, even if you have never had your own pet, it’s not too late to earn the love and respect of the animal in your partner’s life  — and now yours. 

Pets can sense who likes them and who doesn’t, and they can sense who’s making an effort. Similar to people, pets won’t automatically trust you at first. You must earn that trust, just as you must with your human partner.  

Before making these attempts, ask yourself whether your feelings for your partner warrant these efforts. If they don’t, then consider finding someone who doesn’t prioritize animals in their lives. Those people exist, too.  

You should feel comfortable sharing your feelings and enforcing your boundaries around pets. 

Relationships involve two people, so even if your partner is vehement about their pets and other animals, your feelings, health, and well-being shouldn’t have to take a backseat to theirs or their pets’. So, if there are times when you feel uncomfortable around your partner's pet, would prefer to do an alternative activity that doesn’t involve their pet or other animals, or have allergies due to their pet that need attention, speak up.  

If you are demonstrating you are trying to learn more about their life and integrate yourself into it, an animal lover who is interested in a relationship with you should be willing to work with you to meet your needs in the relationship as well. If they reveal they are unwilling to make any concessions, barring putting their pet in jeopardy, it may signal to you that this isn’t the right person for you and that maybe another partner, even another animal lover, might be more compatible. 

Final thoughts … 

Dating an animal lover can be a wonderfully eye-opening experience. It can indicate that you will like a life with animals in it or, alternatively, that you will be much happier in an animal-free environment. There’s no shame in either.

Where problems arise, whether you’re talking about a love for animals or any other core value, is when you or your partner aren’t being true to yourselves. Like our furry companions, we have the instinct to know when this is happening. The question thus becomes whether we will have the courage to move on and continue searching for the life we want and who we want in it.   

First Date Faux Pas: What Not to Do on Your First Outing

A first date comes after you’ve collected enough information that you want to spend the time and energy to meet someone in person. This makes it an investment. As with any good investment, you want to do whatever you can to get the best return.   

Even if the date turns out to be a one-hit wonder and you never see this person again, you want to leave a lasting impression that’s positive. Not just because you don’t want someone to think negatively about you but because that person is now a connection of yours and can introduce you to someone who may be a better match.  

On the flip side, they can speak poorly of you, especially if you commit any one of the following common first-date faux pas. With this in mind, here’s what not to do on your first outing.  

Arrive Late Without a Good Reason 

If you are the type of person who generally runs late, try harder not to when going on a first date. Unless you have a really good reason why you’re not at your meeting place when you’re supposed to be — the babysitter wasn’t on time, there was traffic (for real), or you got detained at work — it won’t reflect favorably on you. And even if you do have a genuine excuse, there’s no telling whether the person you’ve kept waiting will believe you. After all, they don’t know you yet and have no reason to take your word at face value.  

First dates are like job interviews. If you wouldn’t behave a certain way with a prospective employer, don’t behave that way with someone you are meeting for a date. Everyone’s time is valuable, and if you aren’t demonstrating that you respect your date’s time, it may cause them to wonder what else you won’t respect. If you do happen to run late, be sure to communicate your new arrival time and apologize, then apologize again when you do arrive.   

Talk Only About Yourself 

Want to come off as self-centered and narcissistic? Talk about yourself endlessly. Don’t ask your date anything about themselves, either.  

As interesting as you may be, you will become less interesting, not to mention less likable, if you fail to engage in real banter, where you ask questions to your date with the genuine intention of getting to know them better.  

True, your date wants to get to know you, but they also want you to get to know them. You can’t do this if you’re yapping away about your college days or, worse, your colleagues who they’ve never met. No one wants to be told, “You had to be there.” 

Not Listen or Engage in Conversation 

Related to the above faux pas, you want to make sure to listen to what your date says. That includes paying attention to details about them or a story they’re telling. Ask questions. Show your interest with your body language. Be polite, even if you don’t like what they’re saying or even them personally. 

Overindulge in Alcohol 

Meeting at a bar and having a drink is a common first-date activity. Alcohol can definitely lighten the mood, helping to lessen any nerves you may have about meeting someone for the first time. Feeling relaxed is a plus, but you don’t want to feel too relaxed because your innate filter will have a harder time doing its job.  

Along with a compromised filter comes a lowering of inhibitions. Alcohol can give you a false sense of security and be the cause of poor decision-making. With too much alcohol, you could be more prone to making choices you will regret later, or worse, choices that put you in danger.  

Finally, letting yourself be overserved is not a good look. It demonstrates that you’re not in control of your urges, that you don’t care what others think, and that you may have a more serious problem regulating your alcohol intake. None of this reflects positively on you. 

Check Your Phone Repeatedly 

If you want to communicate how uninterested you are in someone, pull out your phone to check the score. Look at Instagram. Text back the group chat.  

It’s hard to disconnect from your phone entirely, especially if you have children at home. That’s probably the only reason why you might have to look at your phone during a date. But there are also ways to be discreet about it: look at your phone while in the restroom, leave your phone on vibrate, and request your kids or the babysitter responsible for them only contact you in an emergency. Leaving detailed instructions at home can help alleviate those non-emergency interruptions.  

Everything else should be able to wait. If it can’t, you should probably have considered rescheduling your date to a time when you could give someone your undivided attention or have canceled it.  

Discuss Controversial Topics 

Thoughts on the upcoming election? Abortion rights? Religion? Consider tabling those for a while. That is unless you deliberately want to alienate your date so they never want to see you again, or you never want to see them. If that’s the case, an “It was great meeting you. However, I don’t see a future for us” would work just as well. It would also not give someone a reason to badmouth you afterward. 

Instead, keep conversations light. Yes, you are there to learn about the person you’re sitting across from, but controversial topics can be too agitating for the occasion, including for the people sitting nearby, who are unfortunate enough to overhear them.    

Dress Inappropriately for the Occasion 

Wearing a garment that is uncomfortable or makes you feel conspicuous can change your mood and your physical demeanor. What you wear is also a form of self-expression, so make sure your clothing sends the message you intend.  

Bring Up Past Relationships 

Like clothing, talking about an ex can also send out messages you may not want to, such as you’re still hooked on them, you’re an angry or vengeful person, or present the possibility that your ex may rear their head and become a problem should you start a new relationship. The person you’re on a first date with doesn’t need to know your entire dating history, only your availability now.    

Ignore Basic Manners and Etiquette 

Lateness without good reason and checking your phone often, both discussed above, are just two ways to demonstrate your lack of basic manners and etiquette. Others include using foul language, ordering food before your date arrives without inquiring what they would like, letting the door close on someone instead of holding it open, and, often, the subject of controversy, not offering to pay, at least for your portion. When it comes to manners, consider how you would feel if someone treated you that way.   

Criticize or Judge 

Pointing out in a negative way someone’s appearance, voice, attire, or whatever is wrong. If you think it, it’s still not your place to say it. Everyone has feelings, and you don’t need to be the person to cause someone else to feel bad. Again, consider how you would feel in that situation.  

Final Thoughts …

While some faux pas, like the ones above, can be avoided, others cannot. Tripping, accidentally passing gas, or not hearing what someone said correctly are, unfortunately, real incidents that can happen in real life.  

Though potentially embarrassing, these slips don’t have to signal the end of your interaction. But if one does, move forward, and don’t beat yourself up about it. Everyone can have a bad moment. The point is not to create any bad moments unnecessarily but to create the best possible dating experience for you and another person you can.   

Who Comes First, a Partner or Adult Children?

One of the most common phrases spoken among unmarried single parents who are dating is “Kids come first.” It’s understandable. Parents are responsible for protecting and nurturing their children, especially during their formative years. Also, if parents are divorced, time with their children might be less than what it was when they were married and subject to new time constraints, depending on their custody schedule. As a result, they do their best to maximize quality time by staying present with their children when together, which can look different from parent to parent.  

Deciding how much attention to give to your partner or your children is a personal choice. Some parents may choose not to answer the phone or respond to a text when they have their kids, while others may be more sporadic in their contact. This can be frustrating, particularly if you're a parent who is more comfortable allocating time to contacting or responding to someone you’re dating, even when you have your children with you. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make.  

Things get murky, however, when this conversation involves adult children and how a partner prioritizes them over you. More specifically, at what point do you begin not dropping everything to accommodate your adult children’s non-emergency requests, whims, and demands for your time, especially if being accommodating as you always have been would come at the expense of your partner?  

No doubt, it’s a tricky balance to achieve because (a) you might be accustomed to dropping whatever you’re doing for your children due to habit, and (b) your adult children might be just as accustomed to you dropping everything since you always have. But your partner has a point, despite their understanding that your children will always be your children and that they mean the world to you. Your partner also wants to know they are your priority and that you value time with them enough that you are willing to lay down the line when your children demand attention, whenever and wherever, without considering what you might be doing at that moment.  

If you are a parent of adult children without special needs (parents of special needs or neurodiverse children may have to be more on call) for whom these habits ring true, it is probably time to step back and ask yourself if maybe you should think about whether it’s time to adjust your priorities, given your children’s entrance into adulthood, and give your partner and relationship the attention it deserves. If yes, here are three tips for how to go about doing so while protecting the intimacy of the relationship you share with your partner and the relationships you share with your children.  

Examine your behavior. 

Whether your partner has come to you and expressed their feelings about how you prioritize them versus your children, your children are salty and demanding when you’re with your partner, or you feel torn by the demands of your relationships, examine your role in these situations and what you’re doing or not doing to keep the peace for everyone, most of all you. Be truthful with yourself. 

Then, put yourself in everyone’s shoes. Are they justified in feeling neglected or unheard? Are there any actions you can take to be more evenhanded and protective of your independent time with your family and with your partner? If you’ve been feeling steamrolled, your answer will likely be yes. If it is, those actions must begin with creating and enforcing boundaries around both relationships.  

Create rules around how you will allocate your time and under what circumstances.  

What is your schedule like? Do you have “date night” with your partner on Saturdays or Wednesday nights? Do you both go to bed around 10 p.m.? Do you wake up around 6:30 a.m. to drive your partner to the train? Do you run together each morning? Whatever your schedule with your partner, do your best to keep these times sacred. They are yours and your partner’s alone unless you mutually agree to spend that time in an alternative way.  

The same goes for time you spend with your adult children: regularly scheduled lunches or shopping trips, weekends away, and going to the theater, for example. If you don’t get to see your adult children often but speak to them at certain times of the day or week, honor those commitments as well.  

Obviously, emergencies will come up. In the case of a genuine emergency, all rules go out the window. On the other hand, it’s perfectly fine to still have impromptu visits and conversations. Where issues arise is when adult children, whether becuase they’re clueless or they’re being deliberate, encroach on your time with your partner to the point where it strains your relationship. When this happens, it’s time for a conversation with everyone involved.  

Speak to your adult children and your partner about how you plan to balance your time moving forward.  

Should these interruptions begin occurring frequently, or they have been, it’s time to share some details about your daily schedule with your adult children and how you expect them to respect it. You might be saying to yourself right now that you shouldn’t have to clear your schedule with anyone, let alone your adult kids, but giving them a heads up about when you won’t be available to them can help if they weren’t aware previously. If they were aware but didn’t care, you telling them will provide notice to them about what you expect moving forward. 

Adult children used to getting what they want when they want it might not take kindly to you setting boundaries and become even more irritated if you begin enforcing those boundaries by not jumping every time they say to jump. Do your best to stay true to the boundaries you create and enforce them repeatedly. Think of it as breaking old habits and creating new ones. But recognize change won’t happen overnight.  

Speak with your partner as well about the schedule you plan on keeping, including the time you intend to dedicate to your adult children. Your partner needs to understand your dedication to your children, no matter how young or old they are, and that you intend to give and continue giving them your love, interest, support, and, yes, attention. Your partner should be on board without expressing hostility, resentment, or jealousy. If they can’t be, you might want to consider seeking couples counseling.  

Final thoughts … 

There are only so many hours in the day, so you want to use them to show the people important to you how much you love, value, and care for them. But you don’t want to do it at the expense of yourself and your peacefulness, nor should you have to.  

So, to answer the question, who comes first, a partner or adult children? Both do, depending on when, where, and the circumstances involved, all of which are up to your discretion. Your children might be adults now, but it’s important to remember that you’re an adult, too.   

How to Talk About a Late Spouse or Life Partner With a New Partner

Dating after the loss of a spouse or life partner can be trying emotionally in various ways. You may experience guilt, sadness, fear, and a wealth of other emotions that you might not even be able to put a name to at any given moment. It’s understandable. Your partner was an integral part of your life and left an indelible mark on it.  

While you want to honor the past, you also realize that you’d like to move forward and find someone with whom you can enjoy all of what life continues to offer. But your dilemma is how you can comfortably talk about your late partner with a new partner. And not just to explain your late partner’s role in your life prior to their death but the role they continue to play in who you are today, including how much you continue to miss them and grieve their loss. In other words, you want to honor both individuals in the way they deserve. Below are a few suggestions for how.  

Approach new relationships with honesty about where you are in the grieving process.  

Everyone grieves differently and in their own time. Consequently, only you will know if you are ready to begin dating. With this in mind, it’s OK to start and stop dating should you discover you aren’t ready even after going out on some dates.  

The key to dating with integrity — for yourself and any prospective partner — is to honestly approach your relationships about where you are or find yourself in the grieving process. So, consider talking to the person you are involved with about how you are feeling in your grief, even if it is years after the loss. After all, no one can predict what sight, smell, or phrase will evoke a memory, and you want to give yourself permission to feel what you feel when you feel it.   

Set aside specific times to deal with your grief independently, apart from new relationships. 

While you want to give yourself permission to experience your grief in its fullness, you might consider not doing it exclusively with your new partner, even if they aren’t so new to you anymore. To that end, you can set aside specific times to deal with your grief independently. This is as much for your benefit as it is for your new partner. 

No matter how supportive your new partner is of your grief and how much they respect the relationship you shared with your late partner, they aren’t you. They haven’t had your experiences, and they don’t walk in your shoes. As understanding as someone can be, that understanding has its limits, which grief does not. Time alone with your thoughts or visiting a place that is special due to the memories it holds is not a bad thing. Instead, it can promote healing.   

Be considerate of your new partner’s feelings.  

Like you, your partner is human. In spite of how supportive they are of you in your grief, it is bound to cause mixed emotions if it becomes “too much,” whatever that looks like for them. Jealousy or feelings of inadequacy could set in for them. You also don’t want to become resentful of your new partner for feeling the way they do.  

There is a fine line between being considerate of your new partner’s feelings and walking on eggshells around them. You should never feel as if you have to do the latter. If you do, it’s a clear sign this person isn’t one you should consider keeping around. The point is to put yourself in your new partner’s shoes, considering how they might feel within the context of your reminiscing about your late partner.   

Don’t compare your new partner to your late partner.  

If you were with your late partner for a long time, especially if you were happy, it might be hard to resist comparing your new partner to them. Comparison is a natural human tendency, but if you are trying to move forward with a new relationship, it is something to keep in mind and in check.  

Everyone wants to be considered for their individuality, for what makes them unique and, in your eyes, special. If you continually put them in a position of feeling like they are in the shadow of your late partner, never quite measuring up to the memories you have of them, it could take its toll.  

Not comparing your new partner to your late partner is also helpful for gaining clarity about whether your new partner is the right match for you as you are today. It becomes difficult, if not impossible, to do so if you constantly judge them against your late partner, whom you might also have grown accustomed to idealizing since their death.  

Find a partner who is considerate of your life story. 

Experiencing love after loss requires finding and recognizing that special person who is comfortable enough with themselves to be considerate of your life story, which also includes your late partner. But given everyone’s humanity, there are natural limits to this, limits that will inevitably vary from person to person. Such is the beauty of love after loss — when someone enters your life not to replace the person who’s left you but to stand alongside them, growing with you as you grow.