Ending a relationship is rarely painless, especially when you want to consider the other person’s feelings. So, it’s something you should focus on becoming skilled at. If you don’t, drama shall find you. With this in mind, here are a few tips about how to handle letting someone you no longer want to date down easy.
Get clear about your own feelings first.
Before you have “the conversation,” take some time to understand and clarify your own feelings about the relationship. This is important for making sure that you are firm in your decision and that you are able to communicate it clearly and sincerely.
To that end, reflect on why you no longer wish to continue the relationship. Are there specific reasons, or has the spark faded?
When you’ve determined your reasons, approach the conversation with honesty. That said, as you express your feelings, do so without blaming the other person. You can do this by using “I” statements rather than “they” statements.
Your conversation shouldn’t be about making the other person feel bad about something they’ve done or about themselves. Instead, it should be about conveying that the relationship is no longer working for you. Being honest with yourself and then them is the first step toward a respectful and kind breakup.
Choose the right setting to end the relationship.
The environment in which you choose to end a relationship can directly affect how the conversation goes. Unless you feel you will be in danger, choose a private setting where both of you will feel comfortable enough to speak freely without distractions or interruptions.
Public places, while sometimes convenient, might not offer the space required for a sensitive discussion. If you do choose to meet in public, pick a spot that’s still quiet enough to hear each other speak.
Timing is similarly important. Avoid discussions at stressful times of the day, such as during work hours or in the heat of an argument. Your goal should always be to offer a positive conclusion to your time together, and choosing the right setting helps facilitate that.
Be empathetic and respectful.
When it’s time for the conversation, approach it with empathy and respect. However, be careful not to compromise respect for yourself or change your position because you feel their pain.
Remain focused on how the relationship no longer aligns with your needs, not how it lacked. Taking this more positive approach will soften the blow and demonstrate to the other person that your decision is based on you, not them, their deficiencies, or anything they did wrong or didn’t do at all.
Provide closure.
Providing closure is important for you and the person you were dating to move forward independently of each other. After expressing your decision to break up, give them the space to process their feelings. They may also have questions or want to share their thoughts and emotions about the relationship or you.
It’s important to listen to these responses as long as they are respectful and you don’t feel unsafe. Demonstrate that you understand their position and are compassionate.
As hard as it may be to say goodbye, avoid leaving things between you open-ended. Make sure there’s no ambiguity about the relationship being over. Such clarity will help prevent false hope and allow both of you to start the healing process.
Support their (and your) healing by going ‘no contact.’
During the conversation, it’s OK to offer immediate support and compassion. It’s OK to reassure them that you care about their well-being and that you thought long and hard before making your decision. Do, however, explain that for both of you to heal, it will be best to establish a “no contact” period after you end the conversation.
Going no contact creates the space needed to truly move on and heal. This applies to you, too, even though you were the one to initiate the breakup. Staying in contract could cause you to second-guess yourself without ample time to reflect.
During the period of no contact, focus on your personal growth. Your ex will have the opportunity to do the same. With continued contact comes confusion. No contact is, without a doubt, a difficult period, but it’s most effective for moving forward.
Final thoughts …
Breakups are a part of life. They are also catalysts for growth, particularly when handled with sensitivity and care.
The goal is thus for you and the other person to leave your relationship feeling like you gained something from your experience together. And to approach your next relationship stronger and more educated about what you want from a partner. In other words, better off for having known them.