Dating at midlife can be eye-opening, especially if you haven’t been “out there” for years, maybe decades. Though it’s no secret that the dating landscape has changed due to technology and evolving dating norms, other transformations could impact how you approach — and fare — in the modern dating landscape. One of those transformations is in how you look.
You may be thinking how superficial it is to discuss one’s appearance. Sorry, not sorry. The hard truth is that none of us are immune from aging. No matter how much we exercise, how nutritional our diets are, and how many treatments we undergo, we will inevitably look different from years past.
You may also think that if someone doesn’t like how you look, they can look elsewhere. While you’d be completely right to say this, and they can, your opinion of your body and overall appearance, i.e., how much you love and appreciate yourself, counts most. After all, if you aren’t able to go into dating feeling body-positive and loving yourself, you can’t expect someone else to, right?
I know, easier said than done. Our eyes can play tricks on us. So can department store mirrors under glaring fluorescent lights and reflections in store windows we catch out of the corners of our eyes. Fair enough. Even so, there are ways to rewrite that self-deprecating narrative we may have about our bodies in midlife. Here’s what you can do.
Face reality.
No, you are not 18 anymore. Or in your twenties, thirties, or however old you were when you believe you were at your prime lookswise. Fortunately, there are other ways to be in your prime: your familial relationships, your friendships, your career, and your understanding of the world around you, to name a few.
Appearance is only one aspect of who you are and doesn't stay the same. It changes like everything else about you. That’s a reality. So, the sooner you stop fighting it, the less inadequate you will feel.
Stop comparing yourself to others.
When you aren’t happy with your body, comparing yourself to anyone you meet is easy. Even if you accept that you won’t look the same as you did when you were younger and accept that those you meet who are younger may have a more youthful body than yours, it’s still all too easy to compare yourself to your peers. “They’re thinner, they’re heavier, they have more wrinkles than I do, and they’re more/less toned than me” are all phrases that can run through your mind and become detrimental.
Good news: You can train your brain not to go down this rabbit hole. And should, since no matter what you do, there will always be someone better looking, more intelligent, taller, and wealthier to make you feel less than if you let it. Bad habits are meant to be broken.
Be your best self.
Though comparing yourself to others isn’t opportune, comparing yourself to your vision of your best self can be beneficial. If done positively and not to extremes, it’s possible to create healthy internal competition.
We generally have some idea if we are functioning optimally or know we can do better in certain areas of our lives. So, if you realize you could benefit from shedding weight, take steps to eat less, eat healthier, and exercise more. If you want to be more toned, do resistance training. If food is an emotional crutch, figure out the underlying reasons. If you’re sedentary, consider why. Are you depressed? Are you feeling defeated? The point is to get to the bottom of it.
Don’t be afraid to enlist appropriate support to help change your mindset and habits. Becoming your best self doesn’t have to be a one-person job.
Surround yourself with positive people.
Words hurt. So does a sideways glance or silence when words of encouragement are called for. If the people around you are cutting you down or not providing the support you want or should expect from them, distance yourself and find different people to spend your time with. It is that simple.
Negativity does not have to be a fact of life, and if you haven’t had this epiphany yet, let me inspire it in you: You don’t have to accept bad behavior from others. But do …
Accept that self-love can take time to nurture.
Love is not always “at first sight,” including our love for ourselves and our bodies. We all have a past that has contributed to who we are and how we see ourselves. Again, it may take breaking bad habits to leave the past behind. It may also take reacquainting yourself with who you are, what and whom you enjoy, and what you don’t.
Sound like a huge undertaking? It is. But rest assured, this is a process, not an overnight fix. Therefore, you don’t have to drop everything you’re doing in your life, including dating. Dating can very much be part of learning how to love and appreciate all it is that you have to offer.
For it to happen, though, it’s important to be cognizant that you are a work in progress, as we all are and always will be. And that you can’t expect to give your heart fully to someone else until you’ve given it to yourself first.