My Partner and I Are Both Wealthy. Who Should Pick Up the Tab on Dates and Vacations?

Navigating financial matters in a relationship is always a delicate subject. However, it can become particularly complex and sensitive when both partners are financially well-off. 

On the surface, one might assume that having substantial financial resources would simplify matters, making it easier for couples to manage expenses and plan for the future. However, the reality is that money can bring its own set of challenges and complications, particularly when it comes to establishing a fair and comfortable financial dynamic within a blossoming relationship.

When both partners are wealthy, issues such as power dynamics, independence, and differing attitudes toward money can come to the forefront, potentially creating tension and discord. Furthermore, societal norms and expectations around who should pay for what, particularly dates and vacations, can exacerbate these challenges, leading to confusion and even resentment. 

Couples in this situation should, therefore, approach financial matters with a heightened sense of awareness and empathy so their decisions and arrangements are based on mutual respect, understanding, and a genuine desire to foster harmony and partnership. With this goal in mind, here are some practical approaches to handling finances in a relationship where both partners are wealthy to ensure that each person is comfortable and happy and feels like they are being treated fairly.

Talk with your partner about who will pay for what and when.

You have heard me say it before, but it bears repeating: The foundation of any strong relationship is open and honest communication. To make sure you and your partner are on solid ground, discuss your financial expectations and preferences with your partner from the beginning. 

By having a conversation about your finances and accordant expectations, you can reach a mutual understanding and establish a financial arrangement that suits both of you. Remember, you and your partner may each have different experiences and beliefs when it comes to money, so being open to other perspectives will help you find common ground.

Alternate paying.

A simple and fair method of handling expenses is to take turns paying for dates or vacations. This approach not only ensures that both parties contribute equally but also adds a fun element of surprise to the outings. 

For example, you can decide that on one occasion, you will cover the cost, while your partner will take care of the next one. This can help avoid any feelings of imbalance or resentment that could arise from one person always footing the bill.

Split the bill.

Another practical approach is to split the expenses evenly. This can be particularly helpful in situations where one partner may feel uncomfortable having the other pay for everything. 

By splitting the bill, you ensure that both parties contribute to the cost of the date or vacation, fostering a sense of equality and partnership. To make this process even easier, you can use various apps that allow you to split the bill evenly or customize the split according to your preferences.

Contribute proportionally.

If both you and your partner prefer a more nuanced approach, consider contributing to expenses proportionally based on your overall net worth or individual income, even if both are high by most standards. You can incorporate any details you want into the calculation, such as travel expenses if you are involved in a long-distance relationship and one person travels to the other more often.

Doing so can help strike a balance between equality and fairness. For instance, if you earn twice as much as your partner, you could contribute two-thirds of the cost, while your partner would cover the remaining one-third. This approach acknowledges the different financial situations of each partner while still maintaining a sense of teamwork and partnership.

Establish a joint account.

If you are further along in a committed relationship, setting up a joint account specifically for dates and vacations can be yet another practical solution. You and your partner can contribute a pre-determined amount to a designated account regularly, and all related expenses can be paid from it. 

This approach not only simplifies the payment process but also helps you budget and plan for upcoming activities. Additionally, it can serve as a starting point for discussing other financial matters, such as saving for a larger-scale shared goal, including the purchase of a home, or managing household expenses should you one day decide to live together.

Consider each other’s preferences.

Keep in mind that individual preferences based on cultural norms, values, and past experiences can vary greatly. While one partner may enjoy picking up the tab as a gesture of love or care, the other may prefer to contribute equally. 

Regardless of the motivation, it is important to be sensitive to your partner’s preferences and find a solution that works best for both of you. If, for example, your partner enjoys treating you occasionally, you can express your gratitude and reciprocate with a thoughtful gesture, such as planning a special date, preparing a meal, or, if you live together, taking care of a household chore they dislike.

Revisit your financial arrangement periodically.

As your relationship grows and evolves, so, too, should your financial arrangements. To that end, periodically revisit the topic to ensure that you and your partner are comfortable with the existing arrangement and determine if you need to make any adjustments. 

In your evaluation, consider factors such as changes in income, upcoming financial goals, or even the overall dynamic of your relationship as time has gone on to gauge how you should continue handling shared expenses. Regularly checking in with each other can help maintain harmony and prevent potential misunderstandings or conflicts from arising.

Final thoughts …

When it comes to deciding who should pick up the tab on dates and vacations, there is no one-size-fits-all solution. The key is to maintain open communication, be sensitive to each other’s preferences, and find an arrangement that fosters a sense of equality and partnership. In this way, you can ensure that your relationship remains strong and harmonious, even when it comes to potentially tricky financial matters.

The most important aspect of a healthy relationship is the connection that exists between two partners. While financial considerations are part of the deal, they should not overshadow the love, trust, and support that form the foundation of your partnership. Ultimately, the goal is to find a balance that allows both you and your partner to feel respected, valued, and cherished. 

So whether that involves alternating who pays, splitting the bill, contributing proportionally, or using a joint account to cover dates and vacations, your most important priority should be that you and your partner are on the same page and feel content with the arrangement. Openness, flexibility, and empathy are each necessary ingredients for navigating financial matters, and by incorporating these qualities into your approach, you can create a financial dynamic that supports and enhances your relationship, which is priceless.

My Fiancé Doesn’t Want to Sign a Prenup. What Should I Do?

It is not uncommon for people planning a wedding to find themselves in a situation where their fiancé is resistant to signing a prenuptial agreement. The mere mention of the word “prenup” can bring about strong emotions and disagreements between couples, as prenups tend to evoke feelings of mistrust and vulnerability.  

However, prenuptial agreements can also provide a sense of financial security and a well-defined plan for the future in the event of a divorce. The decision to sign or not sign a prenup is deeply personal and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including cultural beliefs, family expectations, and individual financial circumstances. 

When faced with a fiancé who doesn’t want to sign a prenup, it is, therefore, important to approach the conversation with sensitivity and empathy. If you are currently facing this situation, consider the following five approaches to navigate this delicate topic, ensuring both you and your partner are comfortable and well-prepared for a long-lasting future together. 

Understand the reasons behind your fiancé’s hesitation. 

Before delving into any potentially inflammatory discussions, understanding why your fiancé is hesitant to sign a prenuptial agreement is helpful. For some, the idea of a prenup may be perceived as a statement about their lack of trust or love. For others, it may be a source of anxiety or confusion due to a lack of legal knowledge.  

Hearing your fiancé’s reasons will help you address their concerns and find the best solution for both of you. By engaging in open and honest conversations with your partner about their fears and concerns, you can assure them that your intentions are not driven by a lack of trust or love but, rather, by a desire to protect your interests individually and as a couple.  

Educate and inform your fiancé about prenups. 

Misconceptions and a lack of understanding about prenuptial agreements often contribute to negative perceptions. It is, therefore, crucial that both you and your fiancé are well-informed about the purpose, benefits, and limitations of a prenup. 

To that end, research and gather information from reliable sources such as legal professionals in your state, books on the subject, or online resources created by those well-versed in prenups. Share this information with your fiancé and discuss its relevance to your specific circumstances.  

Seek professional guidance to create your prenup. 

Navigating the world of prenups can be complex, and professional guidance from an experienced attorney who can provide unbiased advice and facilitate productive discussions can be invaluable in helping you and your partner reach a mutually beneficial agreement. To ensure your partner has a comprehensive understanding of the process, encourage them to seek their own legal counsel. 

Family law attorneys who are skilled in drafting prenuptial agreements and the addition of a mediator, if desired, can help guide you and your fiancé through the prenuptial agreement process with ease. They can provide expert advice, mediate any disagreements, and ensure the final agreement is legally sound.  

If you would like to enlist the services of a document preparation service, HelloPrenup can also be a valuable resource. However, you and your partner still always have the option to bring your completed document to your family law attorneys in your state for further review. 

Highlight the benefits of prenups. 

Prenuptial agreements may seem intimidating, but they offer various benefits that can contribute to a strong, healthy marriage. By highlighting these advantages, you can help your fiancé view a prenup as a positive, rather than a negative, element of your relationship. 

For example, prenups function to protect individual assets, simplifying the divorce process should you ever need a divorce. A prenup also provides clarity regarding financial expectations, serving as a tool to encourage open communication and transparency about finances, now and in the future. 

With difficult conversations about sensitive topics out of the way and addressed legally with a plan of action if necessary (such as how to pay off pre-marital debt), you and your future spouse will have the freedom and confidence to focus on your love for each other and building your new life together. In this way, getting a prenup demonstrates how seriously you take your commitment — you don’t want anything getting in the way of it. 

Collaborate and customize your prenup. 

A prenuptial agreement should be a reflection of your unique relationship, and your fiancé should feel like an equal partner in its creation. Collaborating on the terms and conditions of the agreement will help both parties feel heard and understood. 

With this goal in mind, work together with your fiancé and independent legal counsel (again, you should have your own lawyers) to develop a prenuptial agreement that is fair and customized to your specific circumstances. Be willing to compromise and adapt the agreement to address any concerns or objections raised by your fiancé. 

Final thoughts … 

The prospect of discussing a prenuptial agreement with your fiancé may be daunting, but it is an essential step in building a strong marriage, even if one or both of you are not affluent. By understanding your partner’s concerns, educating them and yourself about the process, highlighting the benefits of prenups, collaborating on a customized agreement, and seeking professional guidance, you can navigate this sensitive topic with grace and confidence.  

Ultimately, a well-constructed prenuptial agreement can provide peace of mind and security for you and your fiancé, setting the foundation for a successful, lifelong partnership. Remember that open communication, empathy, and understanding are key to fostering a strong, healthy relationship, which, if you are engaged now, hopefully, you already know.  

So trust that you and your fiancé, working together, can overcome any challenges you meet, including the fear that can arise when contemplating a prenup. And go on to build a future that reflects your shared values, goals, mutual respect, and, most importantly, love.  

Have You Been Taking Your Partner for Granted? 19 Ways to Show Appreciation

In her book, “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead,” Brené Brown defines connections as “the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment.” In other words, when they feel appreciated. It stands to reason then that those who show their partners appreciation will create the strongest connection with them. 

The ironic part is that it’s so easy over time to take the people who show us the most care and love for granted. If you’re feeling as though you may be one of these people, here’s a quick refresher about how to show your partner appreciation and connect more deeply in your relationship.

1. Start today by telling them.

Even if you’ve been remiss in the past about letting your partner know how much you appreciate them, there’s no better day than today to make a change in your behavior. A few simple words such as. “I wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I appreciate all that you do for me” can be enough to get you started. Even if your partner is incredulous that you’re saying these words, you’ve set the stage for a positive change in your relationship to occur.

2. Write it to them in a card, note, or letter.

Not comfortable with speaking your mind out loud or want to add more diversity to your gratitude routine, try writing your thoughts down. Whether you give a greeting card that expresses your feelings or a card you write yourself, a longer letter that expresses your sentiments in detail, or a sticky note you leave on the milk in the fridge to let your partner know you’ll miss them while you’re out, each expression can bring you closer. You don’t need to be a published author to say, “Miss you,” “I love you,” or “Thank you for being you,” to warm your partner’s heart.

3. Speak in your partner’s love language.

Gary Chapmen’s book, “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts,” has been an international bestseller for a reason: It gets to the heart of how to establish a deeper connection with your partner. Outlining the five different types of love languages people respond to (and there can be more than one per person), the premise of the book lies in finding your partner’s and communicating with them using theirs. Doing so, Chapman posits, will help you connect more easily and, as a result, deeply.

4. Give them your undivided attention.

We’re more distracted than ever and, as a result, it’s easy to allow our attnetion to be swayed by even the slightest interruption. Correcting this behavior is simple: It involves self-awareness and a commitment to making your partner a priority when you’re speaking to one another and spending time together. The ability to listen is one of the most important skills you can have and hone in a relationship. 

5. Remember things that are important to them (important dates in their life, details they communicate, their likes and dislikes, etc.).

Their birthday, your anniversary, their favorite ice cream flavor. The more details you can recall about your partner’s life from what they’ve told you over the time you were together, the better you will demonstrate to them you that you’re listening and that you care about what they have to say and who they are as a person. 

6. Give them a break.

If your partner does a lot for you, the people around you, and just in general, find a way to give them a break. And don’t wait until they’re about ready to collapse. Do it before they get to that point. 

From facilitating a few hours for them to be on their own or to do something they enjoy, such as see friends or engage in a favorite pastime, to planning a vacation for them alone or with just you, your actions can demonstrate to your partner that you see them and how hard they work. Everyone needs time to recharge, including your partner, even if they never complain or ask for anything from anyone around them.   

7. Cook them a meal.

Food is love. It’s what nourishes and sustains us. So what better way is there to show your partner how much you cherish them than by preparing a meal for them to enjoy? Don’t worry if you’re not a cook. Making eggs and toast isn’t all that complicated. 

Still find the prospect daunting? Order in and serve your partner so they can sit back and relax. Pro tip: Don’t forget to clean up so they don’t have to.

8. Take your partner out on a date, even if you’re married.

Date night works whether you’re in a newer relationship or married for 50 years. Spending time together doing something you enjoy — sharing a meal, seeing a show, or taking a scenic drive — are each perfect ways, among others, to reconnect and focus on each other in a pleasant atmosphere. 

If you’re not comfortable picking the activity without your partner’s input, ask them what they would like to do. But once you know, take the lead and do the planning so they can enjoy without pressure.  

9. Compliment them to others in public and in private, even when they’re not present.

When you speak highly of your partner, others will likely think of them the same way. Also, they may get to learn favorable qualities about your partner they wouldn’t have ordinarily known, endearing your partner to them further. 

The flip side is that if you undermine your partner publicly, whether your partner is present or not, you effectively give license to others, at a minimum, to think poorly of your partner, communicate what they’ve heard from you to others, or undermine your partner to their face, like you have. None of these scenarios make them or you look good. Don’t do it. 

10. Encourage others around them (children, grandchildren) to show their appreciation.

Gratitude can be contagious. So if you’re feeling grateful to your partner for all they do and who they are, and you know how much they do for others and mean to them (think children and grandchildren especially), encourage those individuals to get on the appreciation bandwagon. An added benefit? Expressing how much someone means to you makes YOU feel good as well.

11. Shout it from the mountaintops (or on social media). 

Really appreciate your partner? Shout it from the mountaintops (if you’re on a mountain, that is), or use a public forum to do so. Social media is effective in this regard, and it can be exhilarating for your partner to see you aren’t shy about how you feel about them. Plus, you give others an opportunity to confirm on social media what you already think and know with a like, love, or comment. 

12. Pay attention to the little things they do, and give them recognition for them.

Does your partner perform some of the small gestures described in this article, or do others that you, in hindsight, have overlooked? Start paying attention to those little things and call them out because little things not only add up, they make a difference in your life. Don’t let them or your partner go unnoticed. 

13. Behave in a grateful manner every day (say please and thank you often).

A great way to show you’re paying attention to the little things your partner does is to say please and thank you often. It gives your partner instant gratification, even if they’re looking for none, and, again, will make you feel good, too. 

14. Let your partner know every day how important they are to you and the people in their life.

Not to be a downer, but we all know too well that life is short, fleeting, and altogether unpredictable. What if the last words you spoke to your partner were the ones you said today? Or you left words unsaid? How would you feel then? Or how would your partner feel if all of a sudden you were no longer there?

15. Buy or make them a gift for no reason in particular.

Surprise, surprise. You don’t need to jump out of the bushes or from behind a door to surprise your partner. And you don’t need to spend a lot either. Unless, of course, you choose to and can. If there’s something you know about that would enhance your partner’s life or that they would love, buy it for them for no particular reason at all except to show them that you were thinking of them and wanted to express your appreciation. 

16. Support their passions and goals with enthusiasm.

One of the most important ways on this list to demonstrate your appreciation is to offer your support for your’s partner’s passions and goals and do so with enthusiasm. If you’re having trouble getting behind them, ask your partner, without judgment, to communicate why what’s important to them is because you want to understand better. 

Next, figure out a way to demonstrate your support, even if you don’t necessarily understand or agree with them (so long as what they’re doing isn’t hurtful or dangerous to you or others). Communication, as always, is key here.

17. Give without expecting anything in return. 

There is no quid pro quo in a healthy relationship. Relationships should be about giving, not giving to receive. So give from your heart without expecting anything in return. This is true selflessness and a genuine way to show you appreciate that special person in your life.

18. Apologize if you’ve been ungrateful in the past.

If you’ve been neglectful in the past but want to do better, tell your partner so. Give them the apology they deserve, even if they weren’t expecting one or waiting for it. A genuine apology requires self-reflection and doesn’t come with you shifting blame for your behavior to them. 

To that end, think about your apology before you give it, and be prepared to stick with it. Most importantly, don’t condition your apology on receiving an acceptance of it. Acceptance of your apology could come right away, in time, or never. That’s strictly up to your partner, and you have no right to make any demands of them. 

19. Make a show of gratitude a daily part of your relationship.

If you make gratitude a part of your day every day, the gestures described above, however large or small, will become a habit, one you won’t even be conscious of but one you won’t be able to live without. Not to mention, your partner will likely come to appreciate you even more than they already do. 

Tall, Dark, Handsome, and Computer Generated? The Role of AI in Online Dating

One of the hardest parts of online dating is how much time and effort you have to put in, sometimes for what feels like little to no gain. You must spend time going through potential matches and talking with all sorts of people, often only to be met with a lackluster response, no response, or a date that goes nowhere.

According to a recent article in Slate, for some, the answer is AI. Such pioneers of the dating world use AI to help automate the process, including coming up with clever pick-up lines they believe will be more likely to gain interest. They also use AI to weed out potential suitors using a chatbot. As I’ve discovered, it’s even possible to use AI to come up with a dating profile written in the tone of a Taylor Swift song if you are into that sort of thing. 

As intriguing as these new technological “advances” sound at first, they are anything but that, given how there can be no substitute for the human experience when it comes to finding and vetting matches. AI, as intelligent as it is, can only do so much. 

AI can make it feel easier to be on dating apps, at least for a while, as well as make it more entertaining, though the novelty of these experiments does get old, too, and fast. But what will continue to be true is that you need people — from matchmakers, dating strategists, and, of course, singles themselves — at the core of every dating experience to make it worthwhile. Here’s why.

AI is just a tool.

Just like the dating apps themselves, AI is a tool. It can help support matchmaking, not become the matchmaker. The human aspect of matching, finding a partner, then keeping one will always remain integral to dating. After all, you have to live with the person you choose and who chooses you — all without the aid of AI. 

The point of dating apps is to find someone you have a connection with. So, once you do that, you want to get off the app as soon as possible. This is true for AI; if you use AI, you should have an express purpose and a timeline for its use. 

Maybe you struggle with coming up with an eye-catching dating profile and want AI to help get you started, or you don’t have confidence in the dating profile you wrote, so you prompt AI to embellish it. These tasks can be helpful.

However, for the best results, your use of AI should remain within the limited scope you set so you don’t become over-reliant on it. Remember, you, not AI, will be dating the people you match with, which is why …

You still need to know what you want.

An important detail to remember is that AI is not all-knowing. It relies on data and user input to be effective. For instance, if you want an opening line about hiking, you first must be in touch with your interests in hiking and your tone relative to those interests. If you’re not, the output won’t sound like you. 

The same goes for automating the swiping process. AI depends on what you tell it, meaning that you need to know what type of person you are looking for and what characteristics you’re searching for in that person. You also need to know what your dealbreakers are. 

Another significant issue with AI is its capacity to misinterpret information fed to it and, as a result, prioritize one characteristic over another in a way you wouldn’t have. AI doesn’t — and can’t — have your best interests at heart because it doesn’t have a heart.

The ability to be discerning will continue to fall on you even if you use AI, so it might be better to skip it altogether. Otherwise, you risk AI sending you in the wrong direction — toward an unsuitable match or away from a great one. It’s less likely that your instincts and judgments or those of a matchmaking professional and dating strategist you trust will steer you wrong because instincts and judgments are rooted in the human experience and our natural pull toward meaningful connections.

Human connection is crucial.

It’s impossible to replicate human connection, so you must develop the skills to connect with potential matches in the real world without the assistance of AI. When you connect to a potential partner through AI, an intermediary acts between you and the other person. Like the game of telephone, AI makes it easy to get your signals crossed and miss opportunities to connect on a deeper level.

Even if you match using AI as part of the process, you need to connect emotionally with your partner if you want a relationship to grow. An opening line created by AI might not hamper this, but continued conversation facilitated by AI can make it so that when you arrive at your first date, you’re not sure how to interact with the person in front of you. Or you might come off differently from AI’s presentation of you who your date interacted with, leaving you both confused. Bottom line: Without human connection, there’s no real relationship.

Final thoughts …

Minimizing the dating experience to the constraints of AI obviates the reason people date in the first place — to find love, companionship, and connection while having fun. These are uniquely human emotions and desires, which can never be understood by what’s not human. That said, AI can help with specific aspects of dating when used pointedly and responsibly. 

But regardless of how you choose to use AI to enhance your dating experience, if at all, one thing remains certain: You are in charge of your own dating experience. You control what you input into AI and how you use the information you receive. As in any other dating experience, you get what you give.

Mirror, Mirror, Would I Date Myself?

It’s super easy to go on a dating app, look at endless photos of people, and swipe right or left. Even on first dates, the majority of the time, you will know within five minutes whether you can see yourself going on a second date. However, if you’ve ever wondered whether you’d date yourself and your initial answer is, “Yes, I’m such a catch,” yet you keep attracting dud after dud, you might want to consider why no one has caught you.

The answer could be that you’ve simply been unlucky so far. Or that you haven’t been dating frequently enough. After all, dating is, in some respects, a numbers game. Meaning that, statistically, after a certain number of dates, you should eventually hit it off with someone, at least for a while. But if you’ve been dating regularly and you never seem to click with anyone, the issue could be much closer to home.   

If this is the conclusion you’ve arrived at, you have a choice to make. You could either keep things going the way they are now and rely on the probability that someone exists for you as you are in the present. Or, you could consider the possibility that there’s a glitch in your current dating protocol needing attention. 

While the most cliché breakup line in the book is, “It’s not you, it’s me,” it can’t always be them and never you. With this in mind, here’s what you could do to make yourself a better dating prospect, someone you’d want to date, let alone someone else.

Evaluate your past relationships.

There’s something to learn from every relationship, from a one-hour coffee date to a 30-year marriage. Ask yourself why the relationship ended. Did you reject your partner, did they reject you, or did you mutually part ways? Did your relationship end amicably, or was tension brewing for weeks or months that finally blew up in your face? Was there infidelity, a lack of chemistry, ghosting after sex, an odd remark that rubbed you the wrong way, or general incompatibility?

As you answer these questions about your past loves or crushes (yes, even about the first dates that never amounted to anything), be sure to explore any patterns, even the seemingly superficial trends in your dating history, such as what your dates look like or what they do for a living. As you will see, this information eventually comes together to indicate the two types of people you commonly date — the type you reject and the type that rejects you. I can pretty much guarantee you that there will be consistency between the makeup of the two groups.

Consider who you’ve been matching with and why.

Dating is about finding someone with similar values with whom you can envision sharing your life. Generally speaking, the matches you liked but didn’t like you back indicate the attributes you idealize, while the matches that liked you but you didn’t like back indicate the values you possess. Both types of matches are equally crucial in exploring yourself as a potential match.

There’s often a disconnect between yourself and your ideal match. For example, you may say you want to date someone ambitious and driven, but in reality, you’re still trying to figure out your career path. As a result, you keep repelling these same ambitious people. Or you may say you want to find someone who’s emotionally available, yet you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners because you’re emotionally unavailable. See any trends?

Ask yourself the questions you would ask any potential match.

Leave your body for a bit, and imagine you’re on a date with yourself. Next, go through your list of must-haves for your ideal partner as well as your dealbreakers. As you review each item on your lists, ask yourself how you’d fare. 

You may find that, actually, no, you cannot meet the standards you’ve set. This is likely due to two reasons: Either you’ve set the bar so high it’s only possible for a select few to reach it, or you must still do more work on yourself before becoming a person you’d even remotely consider dating. To that end …

Work on yourself.

There’s a reason everyone gives this advice when you go through a breakup or have been single for a while. We’re attracted to people who share the same values as us, which means that if we don’t possess specific values ourselves, we need to be Ok with dating someone who doesn’t have them either or work toward adopting these values as our own.

Think about it in the following ways. If you want to date a career person, focus on your career. If you want to date someone with an athletic physique, hit the gym. If you want to (finally) date someone who isn’t afraid of commitment, go to therapy and get to the bottom of whatever is in your past that’s keeping you from being emotionally available. 

Final thoughts …

By becoming the perfect match for you first, you can bridge the disconnect between who you are and who you want in your life. So set your standards carefully, then work to meet, even exceed them. Once you truly want to date yourself, only then will you attract someone you want to date and who wants to date you, too.  

Is It Bad for Your Relationship to Sleep in Separate Bedrooms?

For many people, sleeping in the same bed is synonymous with a healthy relationship or marriage. But what do you do when sleeping in the same bedroom feels like it’s putting a strain on you or your partner? 

There are many reasons why people may choose to sleep apart, including snoring or the desire for more personal space. So prevalent are separate sleeping quarters that The New York Times covered this topic just recently. As the article describes, sleeping apart is not uncommon— many couples do not sleep in the same bed or even the same room.

But is such a setup desirable? More than that, can it negatively affect your relationship? There are numerous pros and cons regarding whether separate bedrooms are for you and your partner. Depending on your circumstances, the answer might be clear. But, if it isn’t, you can consider the following criteria as part of your decision-making.

Pro #1: Private Space

One of the most cited reasons why couples want separate bedrooms is for personal or private space. Especially when you live with another person, it can sometimes be difficult to define space as singularly yours, where you can go to relax independently. If you live in a small apartment or you and your partner work from home, you may feel this even more.

For some couples, separate bedrooms can fix the issue. At the end of the day, you can each retreat to your individual spaces, which you have decorated and arranged to meet your personal wishes and comforts. You can each have a place to unwind and process the day’s events without interruption.

Con #1: Emotional Distance

Though private space can be beneficial for some couples, as the Times article highlights, some psychologists express concern that separate spaces can create or heighten emotional distance in a relationship. If both partners have a busy or hectic workday, for example, time to wind down together before bed can be crucial for reconnecting.

Though you may value private space, even covet it, consider the impact that sleeping in different rooms could have or is having on the emotional connection you share with your partner currently. It might be the reason to keep sleeping in the same bedroom and look for other ways to create private space for yourself.

Pro #2: Better Sleep

Another reason couples cite for sleeping in separate bedrooms is sleep quality. If your partner snores and you are a light sleeper, for example, sleeping apart may be a viable solution. 

Sleeping by oneself is one way to remedy poor sleep. So if you or your partner find that your sleep is suffering because of you sharing a bedroom, it may be best for your health to switch it up and sleep elsewhere until the problem is resolved.

Con #2: Better Sleep Might be an Excuse

Though individual sleeping spaces can be beneficial for some people, it is important to make sure that better sleep is not just an excuse to mask a larger issue in your relationship. Should the real issue be that you do not like spending time with your partner or that you want to put some distance between you, better sleep may be the hollow reason you are using to justify sleeping in separate bedrooms.

So before making a move down the hall, consider if you are actually concerned about your sleep quality or looking for a way out — out of the bedroom or the relationship. By questioning yourself, you can ensure there are no other underlying issues.

Pro #3: Heightened Intimacy

Some couples find that sleeping in separate spaces actually heightens intimacy— emotional, sexual, or otherwise. For these couples, the added space between them makes the time they are together even more special.

Especially if you want more private space in your home, separate bedrooms can make other spaces feel more like areas designated for the two of you. Plus, because there are fewer occasions for spontaneous intimacy to occur, such as the time right before bed (as in you are both lying next to each other, so sex happens organically), intimacy can feel more intentional and, therefore, special.

Con #3: Loss of Casual Intimacy

Others raise concerns that sleeping apart can cause a loss of the casual or spontaneous intimacy which sharing a bedroom can bring. For these individuals, the intimacy that happens naturally at the end of the day is critical to a relationship, and sleeping in different bedrooms can lessen these opportunities.

Once again, whether this effect is a con depends on you and your partner’s needs and wants. The good news is with planning, you and your partner can make up for these bedtime rituals in other ways if you both commit to doing so. As long as there is still intimacy and connection, your relationship will likely stay strong.

Final thoughts …

Your sleeping arrangement should benefit you and your partner. Likewise, what works for you as a couple may not work for another or you with different partners. Your relationship patterns depend on your specific situation and your needs as they exist today. 

There are many factors that go into choosing a sleeping arrangement. But regardless of your choice, it should provide peacefulness in all the ways a good night’s sleep should, the kind that comes from being in a relationship you once only dreamed of but can now enjoy — day or night.

What Should I Expect on a Fourth Date?

Everyone talks about the first, second, and third dates, but what about the fourth date when you and your new love interest have gotten past the small talk? What then?

The fourth date is actually significant in terms of relationship building. You see, while on the first three dates, you’re still becoming acquainted. However, by the fourth date, you should already be past the basic get-to-know-you questions and feel comfortable enough around each other to dive a little deeper into what makes you each tick. 

More than that, you should be able to use the fourth date to determine whether you might be compatible in the long run. With these goals in mind, here’s what you should expect on a fourth date.

To feel more relaxed.

On a first date, it’s expected that you might have some jitters. However, if you’re invested in the process, you won’t talk yourself out of going, and you’ll show up as the very best version of yourself, just as you would for a job interview. You might think of the second and third dates as call-back interviews, which is why they often have a similar vibe to a first date, though they’re usually a smidge more relaxed. 

By the fourth date, you’ll want to let your guard down a bit and shed the interview-ready façade. In other words, on the fourth date, you can be a bit more casual and reveal more of your personality and quirks. You want the person you’re dating to get to know you and make sure that they like you (and you like them). So it’s best to be yourself.

To go on an activity date.

You likely went out for drinks, dinner, or both during your first three dates, and each date probably lasted no more than two or three hours. Regardless of how much fun these dates were, continuing to go out for only meals gets stale quickly. It’s also nice to see the person you’re dating in a different setting.

So, for a fourth date, you should be open to doing an activity together, preferably during the day. For example, suppose you and your partner bonded over your love of the beach. For your fourth date, you might want to go to one of your favorite beaches together. Alternatively, you might want to go on a hike (where there are other people), to a museum, or on a day trip to a cute town not too far away.

Partaking in an activity together is important because it gives you new experiences to talk about, new laughs and memories to share, and offers you an opportunity to learn more about the interests of the person you’re dating. Unlike dinner and drinks, which would only take a couple of hours, an activity generally requires several hours, giving you more time to get to know each other in a less formal manner than you would be able while sitting at a table or side by side at a bar.

To talk about more significant topics.

By the fourth date, you shouldn’t still be asking the person you’re dating what their favorite color is. Now that you’ve gotten to know them a little, it’s time to determine if you each have what it takes to be in a meaningful relationship with each other. To that end, you should start to ask them more significant questions about their life, values, and history. 

Ask questions about their upbringing, who their friends and family are, and what their career goals are, as well as questions geared toward your compatibility. Keep in mind that just as you want to get to know them, they’re going to want to get to know you. So don’t be afraid to open up about your own life, dreams, and aspirations, including those about your next relationship.  

It’s very important to have that more significant conversation because, while anyone can have fun together, relationship compatibility requires that your values, schedules, and goals align. This is the conversation where some potential dealbreakers, such as starkly different moral values or even just not being able to commit to seeing each other for the same desired amount of time, could arise. 

The bottom line is that you don’t want to waste each other’s time. Therefore, having these types of conversations is critical for deciding whether or not you should continue to see one another.

To get physical (maybe).

By the conclusion of the fourth date, you might be comfortable enough with the person you’re dating to consider getting physical. How physical is a personal decision, though I will say that I’m a firm believer in waiting to have sex until you’ve established a mutual understanding about whether or not you’re committed. If commitment is important to you, it’s best to wait until you have one before engaging in sexual activity. 

If you’re not ready for sex, don’t worry; you can glean a lot about chemistry from handholding, kissing, and other forms of physical touch. Physical compatibility shouldn’t be underestimated in a relationship. In healthy relationships, there’s usually a balance of physical compatibility with all the rest of the interests and values you share. 

To discuss the status of your relationship.

After the conclusion of the fourth date, it should be clear whether you wish to see this person again or part ways. So, you may find yourselves having a conversation about the nature of your relationship, at least where it might be headed. 

You could ask what the person you’re dating is looking for, as in a casual relationship or something more serious. Similarly, while you won’t necessarily become a “boyfriend and girlfriend” after the fourth date, you might find that the person you’re dating asks if you’re still on dating apps or seeing other people. Pro-tip: You should be honest with them.

So even if you don’t label your relationship, there’s the possibility that you may discuss exclusivity and the possibility of it as you continue to explore your current relationship. This topic can be a segue into revealing how you’re each feeling at this point. 

Final thoughts …

Whether your relationship continues after the fourth date, or one or both of you decide it’s time to say goodbye, look at the experience as a positive one, where you enjoyed some time together and hopefully learned a thing or two — about the other person, a skill, a piece of knowledge, or had some revelation about yourself. 

If the relationship is going to end, wish the other person well, and move on with your life. You never know when you will run into them again or who they know, so your goal should always be to end amicably. Remember, dating is a process, one you should do your best to enjoy and appreciate for the value it has.

How to Deal With Relatives Meddling in Your Relationship

Some relatives may feel they have a vested interest in your relationship and be compelled to offer unsolicited advice. Others may simply like to weigh in because they think they know best. Whatever their motivation, when relatives attempt to meddle in your relationship, it can feel intrusive and overbearing.  

Fortunately, you can take certain steps to deal with and stop well-intentioned (or perhaps not so well-intentioned) family members from interfering in your romantic life. And do so without burning a bridge between you and them.

Be intentional about sharing information and asking for advice.

It is important to consider whether you are inviting someone to comment on your relationship. In some instances, you may want advice. In this case, you should explicitly ask for it. 

Saying, “I have this problem. What should I do?” or “How did you handle this?” can be effective cues to the relative you are speaking to that you are open to and asking for their opinion. Ideally, the absence of these phrases will signal to them that the instances when you do not ask the questions are the times you are only looking to share.

Sometimes, however, people take you talking about a problem to mean that you want advice. Or they may think because you are talking about a specific topic, there is a problem that needs solving. Venting to a relative can be cathartic and helpful, but if you just want to vent, make sure that that is clear, ideally by telling them upfront.

If relatives insert themselves into your relationship even when there is no problem or request for advice, that may be a sign that you should stop sharing details about your relationship with them as frequently or at all. If a relative is still prone to giving unsolicited advice despite your best efforts, it is probably wise to go to them only when you want their opinion on something specific and steer clear of them otherwise. 

Or you can decide only to share details about your relationship with them when a big milestone is coming up, like getting engaged or buying a house. Even then, you will have to set boundaries. More about that later. 

Consider bias when asking for advice from relatives.

In addition to being intentional about sharing details concerning your relationship, you should consider the biases of the people with whom you choose to share those details. When you ask for advice, the relatives you ask are far from neutral; they have biases, likely not in your favor. This does not mean you must refrain from asking for advice altogether, but it does mean you should consider who you are talking to and what kind of biases they might have toward you or your partner.

For instance, if you are asking for help with a surprise for your partner, a relative can likely be a great help. Similarly, if you and your partner have a problem that your parents, for example, had or are considering doing something they have done, asking them how they handled a similar situation can be valuable. They may have insights you do not have.

That said, you may want to consider seeking the advice of a neutral third party for more serious matters. This could be someone like a counselor, but it is ideally someone who does not have a reason to favor one person in the relationship or a particular outcome from the situation or problem at hand. 

A counselor can give more neutral advice to you and your partner and will likely encourage you to look at a situation from various perspectives. A parent may be a good resource, but they are not as likely to consider your partner’s perspective, meaning the advice you get may be skewed in your favor and, as a result, can negatively affect your relationship now or down the road.

If you are worried about whether bias may cloud the advice or lead to meddling, ask yourself this before inviting someone to comment on your relationship: Should you reasonably or realistically expect this person to already be on a side? If so, you can pretty much assume their leanings will impact the advice you are asking for.

Set boundaries.

Setting boundaries with family members can be challenging, but getting them to stop meddling in your relationship is essential for your well-being and your partner’s. Even family members with the purest of intentions may not realize that what they are doing is meddling. Some people just need a firm boundary to realize their actions’ negative effects.

For instance, if your parents thinks that they know what’s best for you and talk about your relationship with you as part of that mindset, say to them, “I feel like you are not treating me like an adult when you give me unsolicited advice about my relationship.” Then add, “I appreciate your concern and input, but please don’t provide commentary unless I ask for it in the future.” These two simple sentences can be a clear signal that their behavior is unwelcome. 

Sometimes saying something as concise as, “Thank you, but this is between [your partner’s name] and me,” can set a precedent. It offers little room for relatives to offer unsolicited advice without going against your wishes. A short but firm boundary can go a long way.

Finally, consider what a hard line is for you and what you are willing to let slide. Maybe you are OK with a relative being critical of a choice you and your partner made for your wedding, for example. or another significant milestone, but you are unwilling to listen to their critique of your partner. 

What topics are tolerable will change from person to person. But knowing what those topics are and communicating them to others with authority can make boundaries clearer and easier to establish and enforce when the time comes.

Enforce the boundaries you set.

If you have been intentional about who to talk to, have considered the potential biases, and set boundaries, and yet your relatives are still meddling in your relationship, you should take steps to enforce your boundaries. Ideally, your relatives would see the boundaries you set and respect them. But in cases where they do not, you should speak up sooner than later, preferably after the first violation.

In some cases, keeping these types of relatives at arm’s length may be best if they continue not to respect your boundaries. This gives you more autonomy over what they know and allows you to decide when you want them to give advice. 

Final thoughts …

Ultimately, setting boundaries and being aware of bias and intentionality are effective tools for dealing with meddling relatives. Though you may be unable to change their ways, you can seek to educate your relatives about how they can interact with you more respectfully, especially where your relationship is concerned. 

But most importantly, engaging in these practices will change your behavior regarding how you interact with your relatives about something that belongs to you — your relationship, thereby shifting the balance of power back to you. Where it belongs.

How Much Contact Is Appropriate When Dating Someone New?

How much contact is appropriate when dating someone new really comes down to preference. Some people like to talk or text frequently, while others prefer to keep communication more low-key.  

Though there is no set formula for how much time your should spend communicating during the early stages of dating, there are a couple of rules you should abide by. The first is to listen to your gut.  

For example, if you feel as though you are receiving too many contacts from someone and their interest comes off as smothering or, worse, creepy, consider that they may not be right for you. If, however, you are interested in continuing to communicate, politely ask them to pull back to a communication level that is comfortable for you. Then see if they oblige.  

The second rule is to take your cues from the other person regarding your own level of contact. In other words, if you are getting the vibe from them that they are feeling smothered by you or weirded out, pull back. It may be that you are coming on too strong or that the other person doesn’t have the same level of interest in exploring a relationship together as you do. Regardless, act accordingly and in a way that is respectful to the other person, moving on if that is the desired outcome for them.  

Apart from extreme behavior, how much communication feels right will also vary from relationship to relationship and is very much a part of what makes a match a good one. Ultimately, the amount of contact should be a mutual decision between both parties.  

To that end, communicate your feelings and expectations to your partner from the beginning and throughout the various stages of dating. It is just as critical to listen to your partner about the same. Below are a few guidelines for how much contact may be appropriate in your current situation.  

What is the appropriate amount of contact before meeting a new love interest in person?  

It is important to take the time to get to know one another before meeting in person. This is not only for safety reasons, but so you can also have an enjoyable experience when you do meet.  

Contact could include talking over text or phone about your interests, hobbies, and passions. It can also include preliminary discussions about your family makeup.  

More in-depth conversations should be tabled until you get to know each other better. That said, if you spot any dealbreakers during these initial contacts, you may wish to end your interaction before meeting in person.   

What is the appropriate amount of contact after a first date?  

If both parties are interested and comfortable with further contact, making a new plan for a second date may be appropriate, either at the end of the first date or during a follow-up text or call. At a minimum, the person who requested the date should confirm on the day of the date so there is no confusion.   

If there isn’t a strong connection or either party is not interested in further contact following a first date, a simple text or call to thank them for their time is usually sufficient. Unless you fear for your safety, don’t just ghost in either scenario.  

What is the appropriate amount of contact after a few dates?  

Generally speaking, a few text messages each day or every other day at this stage and a phone call or video chat once a week may be a good starting point. Picking up too much momentum early on could cause an otherwise strong match to fizzle out quickly. The best way to grow a strong relationship is to do so gradually.    

Remember, having a few dates doesn’t mean you are in a relationship, so it is still necessary to gauge by the other’s person’s responses how much communication between you both feels right. Expressing yourself is equally as critical. 

What is the appropriate amount of contact after you sleep with someone you are dating?  

After sex, some people may want to spend more time together and talk more often, while others may want to take a step back to assess the relationship. It is up to you and your partner to decide what is appropriate for your relationship.  

It is usually best to communicate with each other before sleeping together about expectations for communication once you have been intimate. This conversation should include the issue of what sex will mean in terms of your relationship status and whether or not you will become exclusive.  

What is the appropriate amount of contact after you have been dating for a few months?  

Generally, at this stage of dating, daily contact is typical, whether through texting, talking on the phone, video chatting, or some combination thereof. Some couples may prefer to talk or text multiple times a day, while others may prefer to communicate less.  

How much contact may also be determined by how often you see each other. Irrespective of your schedules, always be sure to respect each other’s preferences and boundaries. 

What is the best way to communicate to someone you are dating that you would like more contact? 

The best way to communicate with someone you are dating whom you would like more contact with is to clearly and directly express your feelings. Expressing your feelings can be done in person, over the phone, or even via text, although this last option is probably the least effective and can potentially cause miscommunication as text often does.  

Make sure that you are honest and explain why you would like more contact, such as wanting to spend more time together or wanting to engage in deeper conversations. Being open and honest about how you feel will help ensure that your message is heard and understood. 

What is the best way to communicate to someone you are dating that you would like less contact?  

On the flip side, the best way to communicate with someone you are dating with whom you would like less contact is to come right out and say it. Explain your needs and feelings in a respectful manner, making sure to show that you value the other person and the relationship.  

Let them know that you appreciate the time you spend together but that you need some space. Be open to listening to their concerns and work together to come up with a plan that works for both of you. 

What if the person you are dating does not respect your wishes about wanting more or less contact with them?  

If the person you are dating does not respect your wishes about wanting more or less contact with them, address the issue directly. Talk to them about your needs and expectations and why you want what you do.  

Should they still not respect your wishes and boundaries, then you may need to assess whether or not this is a relationship worth continuing. Always prioritize your safety.  

How can I find someone who enjoys the same amount of contact in a relationship that you do?  

The best way to find someone who enjoys the same amount of contact in a relationship as you do is to be clear about your needs and expectations. Be sure to communicate your desires and boundaries to potential partners early on in the relationship.  

 Additionally, you can look for people who share similar values and interests as you. This can be an indicator that they may have similar needs for contact. 

Final thoughts … 

If you are consistently finding that the people you date find you overbearing because of your communication style, take some time to assess why it is you communicate the way you do. Reasons can range from having too much time on your hands to being insecure.    

Finally, be sure to give yourself adequate time and space to get to know someone. Remembering all the while that the first person you need to communicate with openly and honestly is yourself. 

Have Dating Apps Destroyed Your Chance at Romance?

Dating apps have cemented themselves as part of the modern dating pathos. Many people see them merely as an extension of hookup culture, not as a means to finding romance.  

As a longtime matchmaker who employs technology to an age-old practice, I’m here to tell you that dating apps can be effective. Notice I say can and not will. The question of whether you find romance using dating apps turns not on your use of dating apps but on how you use them.  

Below are a few pieces of advice for utilizing dating apps to realize their potential. And yours.   

Change your perspective. 

One of the most enticing aspects of dating apps is just how many people you can meet and match with on them; there’s a seemingly infinite number of potential matches for you. While exciting, it can also keep you on the apps as you search for the “perfect” person.  

Changing your perspective is, therefore, key to using dating apps. Instead of viewing dating apps as synonymous with the dating process, think of them as a means to an end. Your goal shouldn’t be to find the “perfect” person or to “win” at dating apps. Rather, your goal should be to meet as many people as possible who meet the criteria you set and to keep the momentum going with those you hit it off with in real life. 

By changing how you think about the purpose of dating apps and making meeting like-minded people a priority, you can better protect yourself from getting addicted to dating apps, especially the process of swiping. In theory, you could swipe indefinitely, but doing so won’t actually help you find a partner in the long run. 

Don’t make dating apps your only tool for meeting other singles. 

Using dating apps as a means to meet other singles is great. You can meet people you wouldn’t otherwise, and you can find people who share similar goals. That said, you shouldn’t fall into the trap of just using dating apps. 

Dating apps should be one method for meeting potential partners, not the only one. If you over-rely on dating apps, you risk losing sight of the reason you’re actually using them. For instance, though you may use dating apps to meet as many people as possible, the number of people on dating apps can be overwhelming and turn you off altogether, creating an effect opposite to what you intended when you first began using them. 

It’s important to remember that the people you talk to on dating apps exist offline and that there are lots of people who don’t use dating apps at all. You should, therefore, be sure to make attempts to meet people outside of dating apps — by going to in-person events dedicated to helping singles meet, attending parties, or even asking friends or family to set you up. Taking these extra steps helps you meet more people while preventing you from becoming over-reliant on dating apps. 

Manage your expectations. 

Another way to keep your relationship with dating apps healthy is to keep your expectations in check. Dating apps can offer a lot of great opportunities, but they aren’t perfect. 

There are numerous reasons people sign up for dating apps. Some are looking for romance and partnership, just like you. However, others use dating apps solely for hookups or even for infidelity. You’ll likely be exposed to such people when you’re using dating apps, too. If you keep this possibility in mind, it can help you keep your expectations in check. 

Additionally, the number of people who use dating apps can once again come back to bite you. Though dating apps pretty much guarantee you’ll be exposed to lots of people, it also means that not everyone you encounter will be a good match.  

This reality isn’t necessarily bad — opposites attract for a reason. But it’s important to keep in mind that the only thing you may have in common with some people is that you’re both on the app.  

Not to mention, you simply won’t click with everyone, even if you seem like a fit right off the bat. Keeping this in mind can also help you manage your expectations so that you don’t feel let down all the time. 

Don’t continue to communicate on the apps. 

If you meet someone that you like on a dating app, you should try and move your conversations off the app as quickly as possible. Switch to texting, calling, or even emailing instead of chatting on the app. This move will help both of you change your thinking about potential. Instead of being merely another instance of matching, you’ll actually be pursuing some type of relationship. 

In the same vein, you should try to meet in person fairly quickly. This lets you establish your expectations early on and can help you weed out people who aren’t looking for anything more than a texting or phone relationship.  

It also helps you to establish a relationship that’s independent of the app. Dating apps are effective tools for meeting other singles, but they shouldn’t be the driving force for your relationship once you’ve connected. 

Keep your standards high. 

It’s critical to remember that you’re allowed to have standards and set your own boundaries when using dating apps. It can sometimes be challenging to keep this top of mind or enforce your boundaries consistently because of how many people you interact with on dating apps daily, but it’s important for you and your potential relationships, as well as your mental health, that you do so. 

So keep your standards high. For instance, if you have certain behaviors that you wouldn’t normally tolerate on a first date — rudeness to you or to the wait staff, for instance — don’t tolerate it just because you met online. You’re entitled to respect and high standards regardless of where you met the person. 

Additionally, respect and enforce your boundaries. Especially because so many people use dating apps for hookups or flings, you may feel like you need to be a part of that culture. Indeed, people have expectations about what’s “normal” when using dating apps. Even in the face of those expectations, it’s important to maintain and prioritize your boundaries and yourself. Doing so protects you from ending up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you. 

Final thoughts … 

Though dating apps have altered how people date, don’t let them cause you to lose hope. There are other people on dating apps looking for romance just like you, and more offline.  

So take comfort in using dating apps as the tool they’re meant to be, keeping their overarching purpose in mind. All the while remembering that the only person who can ever destroy your chances at romance is you.  

The Benefits of Close Personal Relationships and How You Can Find Them

It is widely accepted that strong personal connections are a predictor of physical and mental health and happiness long term. Indeed, a recent article in the Wall Street Journal detailing the findings of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which, since 1938, has tracked (and continues to do so today) 724 men and their now 1300 plus male and female descendants, notes that the common factor for health and happiness is good relationships.   

This finding should come as no surprise; humans are social creatures, continuously seeking both fulfilling relationships and a strong sense of community. It is why it can feel so overwhelmingly negative when you don’t feel like you share these deeper bonds with others. Fortunately, there are specific actions you can take to strengthen your relationships so that they are more meaningful and long-lasting.

Understand the difference between communal and exchange relationships and how your relationship operates.

If you are focused on having a long, successful relationship, it is important to know the varying ways in which relationships can be interpreted so you may understand common patterns better. An indicator that has been found to predict the success of long-term romantic relationships is the categorization of communal versus exchange relationships. 

Communal relationships are those in which partners pay less attention to exchange and equity in favor of supporting their partner’s needs without consideration of the cost to themselves. In exchange relationships, on the other hand, each partner tracks their contributions to the relationship in order to maintain strict equity. 

Subconsciously, many couples in long-term relationships pay attention to equity in order to ensure they are being treated fairly. However, in successful relationships, partners often grant periods of time in which one person is in need of more support without this inequity damaging the relationship.

Surround yourself with positive influences.

It makes sense that we become similar to the people around us. The best and worst of others’ personalities can rub off on us, which is why it is so important that our relationships are with those who inspire us to be better. The concept comes down to this: If you have a friend who engages in a positive behavior you would like to attempt — having a steady workout routine or being great at small talk, for example  — and you witness how these actions make their life better, you may be more likely to try these behaviors out yourself. 

Of course, this doesn’t mean you should enter relationships for the sole purpose of what you can gain. Rather, you should look at how you can complement someone and enhance someone else’s life, too. Hopefully, over time you will come to function as an inspiration to them in the same way they are to you.

Explore and invest in healthy communication.

Everyone communicates with each other, but learning how to communicate with others, particularly your romantic partner, in a healthy manner is one of the most important ways you can be successful in maintaining a relationship long-term. Learning about the different communication styles people use can help you understand how someone expresses themself, as well as how you choose to communicate in response. 

The five most basic communication styles are passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, assertive, and manipulative. Generally, it is believed that we should all strive to be assertive communicators in our relationships, as this helps individuals advocate for themselves without violating the rights of those with whom they are involved. Of course, not everyone is naturally an assertive communicator, which is why paying attention to your responses — both verbal and nonverbal — in conversations can tell you a lot about yourself as a partner. 

Some basic ways to improve your communication with your partner include practicing the golden rule, letting go of blame, and focusing on what you can control. Communication is an imperfect art that you develop with your partner through trial and error, but regardless, finding ways to communicate openly and honestly is vital to the health of your relationship. 

Prioritize your relationships.

The advice to prioritize your relationships sounds simple enough, but as you enter various phases of life regarding your career or personal interests, it can become difficult to consistently respond to friends reaching out or trying to establish a deeper romantic relationship. Placing emphasis on the stable relationships you want to invest your time and effort into can, therefore, be helpful. 

This intention can be expressed in many ways, whether by scheduling a longstanding date night or regularly texting friends who don’t live nearby. The important takeaway is to show up consistently and give the relationship you value your all. 

For those relationships primarily limited to online interactions, it can be difficult to feel connected. However, if you set your mind to it, there are always ways to remind those you care about that you love and support them.

Final thoughts …

Investing in your healthy and mutually beneficial relationships can only add to your sense of belonging and serve to diminish feelings of loneliness that can come up. Once you master the communication styles in your various relationships, your bond with those individuals will likely grow stronger. 

The best part? You will probably begin showing up for yourself and others in ways you never have before due to the joy these strong relationships bring to your life. A life you couldn’t imagine living without these special individuals— the ones you chose and who chose you — in it.

Is It a Relationship Red Flag When a Woman Has Male Friends?

“He’s like a brother to me.” 

You may think you’re being reassuring by saying these words about your male bestie to your boyfriend or partner. However, he may feel differently. And with good reason. 

So says personal trainer and dating guru David de las Morenas, as reported in a recent New York Post article. According to de las Morenas, women with male friends may not be relationship material. 

Controversial as the statement is, if your guy is voicing concerns about the intentions of a male friend or friends, he may have a reason. After all, the question of whether men and women can “just” be friends didn’t come about yesterday or from nowhere. 

This is not to say that, if you’re a woman, you should automatically have to give up all your male friends in the name of a healthy relationship. Not at all. However, it may be a good idea to assess your male friendships on a case-by-case basis to determine whether they are as platonic as you think or claim. 

Below are a few questions to ask yourself.

1. Is your partner concerned about all of your male friends or just one?

If your partner is concerned that you speak to anyone who is male, then chances are he may have a serious case of insecurity, and his fear of your friends has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. This may signal that you have bigger problems in your relationship than simply your male friendships.

However, if your partner has no problem with most of your male friends, except for one particular friend, you should examine that friendship more closely. Start by asking him what it is about that friend that makes him feel insecure about your relationship. Then do your own assessment of your and your male friend’s behavior, beginning with the next question.

2. Were you and your male friend ever more than friends?

Has anything remotely sexual ever happened between you and your male friend? Be honest! Some people do remain friends with their exes and former flames, but these types of friendships are risky in terms of the likelihood of rekindling that flame. 

Even if your male friend has never seen you naked, kissed you, or taken you on a date in the past, ask yourself: Are there things you would deem as ambiguous that happened between you in the past, and you either have not disclosed this information to your partner, or you have, and your partner does not want you hanging around him? 

It is hard to define ambiguity in male friendships except to say that you feel it when it’s there. If you feel something, this friend will likely cause problems in your relationship.

3. Do you and your male friend find each other attractive?

Even if nothing has happened between you and your male friend in the past, all it can take is a few too many drinks for him to say, “I need to tell you something. You look cute tonight.” Then you both kiss despite him being someone you’d “never even consider being more than friends with.” Until that moment, that is. 

Keep in mind that a heterosexual male-female platonic relationship is platonic until a switch flips, and all of a sudden, you’re more than friends. So you need to be honest with yourself. Even if you personally see your male friend as a friend and nothing more, can you imagine how you could be attracted to him in the right setting? Or, just as relevant, could you see him being attracted to you? 

4. What is your male friend’s relationship status?

If your male friend is happily married or in a relationship, he is much less likely to pose a threat to your relationship than he may if he is single. That is not to say cheating does not happen; the key concept here is happily in a relationship, not in a relationship. If your male friend is unhappy in his current situation, he may actually pose more of a problem to your relationship than he would if he was happily single.

5. Do you ever bring your boyfriend around your male friends?

If your male friend or friends and boyfriend all get along harmoniously, then it is much less likely one of them will pose a threat to your relationship because there exists a relationship beyond hearing names in daily anecdotes. 

In-person encounters remove the wall of separation that makes cheating easier because you would be potentially betraying your boyfriend with a face, not only a name. If your boyfriend has never met your male friends, or one specifically, he may feel insecure that you are hiding something from him, such as you have a romantic interest. Allowing your boyfriend to see you interact with your male friends can put him at ease. Or not.

6. Exactly how close are you with your male friends?

If you aren’t that close with your male friends, and they are basically acquaintances you hang out with in a group setting from time to time, then they likely are not a major cause for concern. But, if you are best friends with your male friends and have deep, intimate conversations with them that violate the boundaries of your relationship, or if you are turning to someone other than your partner for emotional support, it is more likely there could be romantic feelings involved, which could potentially jeopardize your relationship.

Final thoughts …

When it comes to having male friends while having a boyfriend, you should not consider yourself to be doomed. But ultimately, you do need to listen to your gut while assessing the dynamic of your male friendships. And don’t kid yourself; if you do have that will-they-won’t-they friend, eventually, they will pose a threat to your relationship because people are perceptive, and your boyfriend will eventually pick up on the dynamic if he hasn’t already. 

In these types of situations, someone is bound to get hurt. So before that happens, make a choice about what or, rather, who is worth more to you. If the answer isn’t clear, it may very well be that you already have your answer.

Your Partner Earns More. Should You Share Living Expenses Equally?

If your partner earns more than you, or you earn more than your partner, you may be wondering how you should allocate living expenses and household responsibilities between you. Especially if you are at different stages in your careers or in entirely different fields with varying earning power, or if one of you does more of the work at home, this may be a question that gives you pause. After all, you want to be fair with your partner, but you also don’t want finances to come between you. 

Thankfully, the equation doesn’t have to be that difficult. There are some factors you can keep in mind when deciding how you and your partner should share living expenses and household responsibilities, each of which turns on your respective circumstances, financial or otherwise, or the types of contributions you both make to the relationship.

Equal vs. Equitable Sharing of Expenses

It is important to distinguish between equality and equity when it comes to sharing living expenses. Though both sound like fair options, equitable sharing of living expenses is usually more practical and fair when one person in a relationship earns substantially more than the other.

If living expenses are equally shared, both people in the relationship contribute 50% of all living costs, regardless of how much they earn or what that expense is for. For instance, even if both people earn different amounts of money, both would contribute equal payments toward rent or a mortgage regardless. For the lower-earning partner, this may not, from a solely monetary standpoint, feel fair.

On the other hand, if living expenses are equitably shared, this allocation can change. For example, romantic partners can opt to pay a percentage of their joint expenses based on how much money they bring into the household. In situations where it is easy to predict income throughout the year, such a determination is usually pretty easy to establish.

Accounting for Unpaid Labor

Where one person primarily brings in most of the money and the other primarily cares for the home and family, the calculation may be less cut and dry. In these situations, the allocation is usually best determined according to an analysis that considers what is equitable and proportionate to each person's financial and non-financial contributions. Unfortunately, how to account for these non-financial contributions can get murky. 

Given that labor in the home is unpaid, thinking about work, inside the home and outside of it, as a means to satisfy each other’s needs is an effective way to achieve balance. If one partner is working to maintain the home and take care of the children, that meets the needs of the person working outside of the home by allowing them to focus on their job outside the home without having to worry about childcare, for example, or pet care. Similarly, the money that the person working outside of the home brings in meets the needs of the person working inside the home by providing shelter and food for the entire family, plus other expenditures, including non-necessities. 

Problems tend to arise when partners take each other for granted, and one partner becomes unfairly burdened by having to take on more of the responsibilities at home, even while working outside the home. Also critical to the health and well-being of a relationship, both partners should have ample time to rest and enjoy leisure time, regardless of their role in the family unit. To ward against resentment building in their relationship, couples should make it a practice to routinely check in with each other while engaging in positive communication practices.    

Second Marriages

In addition to making contributions to the current relationship, for those who have been married previously, it is important to decide how they will use any assets they accumulated prior. People often keep what they have from previous relationships separate, not using those pre-marital assets to contribute to the current relationship. This can become a point of contention for some if not discussed in advance of marriage and why a prenuptial agreement can be helpful. 

It is important to note that every relationship is different. What is balanced for one family or couple may be different from another. Likewise, just because there were certain contributions in a previous relationship or marriage doesn’t mean those contributions would be equitable in the current relationship or even an option. Again, communication about such issues is essential.

After making a determination about assets from a previous marriage, like any other first marriage or long-term relationship, it is necessary to ensure that both partners’ needs are continually being met and that living costs and responsibilities are distributed equitably, as discussed earlier. So long as this is true, previous relationships or other factors are less likely to become complications or points of contention.

When Circumstances Change

Another important issue to consider when determining living expenses or other responsibilities is that circumstances can —  and likely will — change over time. It is unlikely that the current distribution of living expenses and responsibilities will apply to the entire duration of a relationship, especially if there are certain milestones you and your partner have not reached yet. 

For instance, you may want to have a child or additional children. If one person is likely to do most of the childcare work, this will dramatically increase their workload and contribution to the relationship. On the flip side, children also eventually grow up and become independent, freeing up time for the primary caregiver. 

Similarly, if one partner begins working additional hours or receives a promotion, it could mean they have an increased workload translating to additional time away from the family. It could also mean they have more capacity to contribute monetarily. If the person who earns less gets a raise and begins earning more, that, too, would call for a change in how expenses and responsibilities are distributed. As you can tell, the potential for change is unlimited. 

The good news is, in each of these instances, as long as both people continue to contribute in a meaningful manner and meet each other’s needs, even as changes occur, the sharing of living expenses and responsibilities is likely to remain equitable and fair. Indeed, remaining flexible can help promote equitable treatment as time goes on.

Conclusion

Sharing living expenses is ultimately about demonstrating that both partners in a relationship are willing to support each other financially and emotionally. Work while in a relationship — domestic, career, or otherwise — shouldn’t fall on one partner more. Coming up with an equitable formula that speaks to your and your partner’s needs, including dreams, speaks volumes about how much you value your partner and your relationship with them, something that can never be quantified. 

You Are a Cancer Survivor. When Should You Tell the Person You Are Dating?

The New York Times recently tackled a dilemma posed by a reader in its Ethicist column, specifically whether it is necessary for her to disclose to the matchmaking service she is working with that she is a cancer survivor. The reader, a 58-year-old woman, so far had not. The short answer from the Times: A prospective partner should understand why the woman had wanted to share the information herself directly.  

I respectfully disagree, meaning I think, in no uncertain terms, the woman should have told her matchmaker and still should. Not only because I am a professional matchmaker myself but, more importantly, because I was once in this woman’s shoes. I was — and am — a cancer survivor.   

Like you, I am a cancer survivor. 

You see, when I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Thankfully, I won my battle against this dreadful disease that takes hundreds of thousands of lives yearly in the U.S. alone. Besides that, I went on to graduate from college, started a career as a matchmaker, and met the man who would become my husband, with whom I now share three beautiful children.  

So, as a matchmaker and cancer survivor myself, I find myself uniquely suited to provide insight into this particular Times reader’s question. And here it is in a nutshell: You do not need to tell someone on or before the first date that you survived cancer, but you should definitely tell your matchmaker from the get-go. Why?  

It is advantageous for everyone involved to disclose your history of cancer to your matchmaker. 

Well, for a few reasons, the first and most obvious being that your matchmaker can begin to weed out those “not for yous,” those people who, for the reasons I discuss below, may be hesitant to date you because of your history with cancer. And that, I am here to say, is someone who does not want you for you.   

As you probably already know, cancer can go away. But what you may not know if you have not had this experience is that surviving cancer becomes a part of who you are. In other words, when you survive cancer, you become a survivor. It is part of your identity. Therefore, it impacts how you perceive the world and, in many ways, the goals you set for yourself and why. It is also something you are proud of — immensely.  

So, to not disclose your cancer status to your matchmaker, the person working for you to find you the most compatible partner — would mean your matchmaker has only part of the story. This, in turn, means the person they may choose for you is only privy to part of the story, too, a story which may cause them, sorry to say, to pass on you.  

Not to worry; this is not someone you need in your life anyway. And, because of that, it should be no loss to you. Not wasting time with a person who, for whatever reason, does not want you means you have freed up valuable time to date those who see you, including your triumph over cancer, as a plus, not a negative. But for that to happen, your matchmaker must have this relevant piece of information.  

Other logistical reasons make it such that you should disclose to your matchmaker that you survived cancer. For instance, the battle against cancer may have taken a physical toll on your body, which can impact other aspects of your life, such as the level to which you can participate in an active lifestyle or perform in the bedroom.  

While these factors may be directly related to your battle against cancer, they could affect the matches your matchmaker determines would be ideal for you. Additionally, there is the matter of whether your cancer resulted in some more obvious physical attribute, which a prospective partner may want to know before meeting so they, too, can make an informed decision about how they want to proceed, if at all.  

Your matchmaker should protect your privacy. 

As for how the matchmaker utilizes your cancer status to vet matches? This is critical to the process as well. A skilled, experienced matchmaker, one with empathy and discretion, should not be telling the whole world your medical history.  

Your medical history is personal, and your matchmaker should use that information only to test the waters with potential matches. The inquiry should come off something like this: How would you feel about dating someone who once had cancer and survived?” They should not be saying, “This particular person had cancer.” It thus becomes your story to tell.  

When should you disclose your history of cancer to the people you date? 

Now, you may be wondering, when is it appropriate to tell? Disclosing that you have had cancer is not an ice breaker, meaning it is not generally first-date material. Cancer, like any other medical diagnosis, is personal, and you should not expect to have to share this information freely with strangers. Like any other intimate emotional information, such as details about your divorce, sharing too much too soon can scare away the person you are just getting to know. 

If, however, after some time, you find you like the person you are dating, and they appear to like you, and you determine there is rapport and trust between you, then it is probably time to share. Indeed, you may find that there will be a time when your history with cancer comes up naturally in conversation, whether because of a story you are exchanging, an upcoming doctor appointment, medication you are taking, dietary restrictions, or that your date has or had cancer, too.

But if it does not come up, still make it a point to share this more intimate detail about who you are. Hopefully, the person you are seeing will appreciate your candor and timing and come to like and respect you more. If they do not, so be it; you have all the information you need.    

Final thoughts … 

Remember, a relationship should reflect that you and your partner are a team, which means that you should be able to be who you are. That includes being a cancer survivor. As I have found with my clients and in my own life, sharing this information can strengthen a romantic bond when the time is right. Just as surviving cancer has strengthened us. 

Are Casual Relationships Ever OK?

There is a lot of talk about how people are looking for long-term relationships or a partner who otherwise satisfies their goals. With that comes advice on how to get your partner to commit to a label and stick around.  

As part of these discussions, a seeming rite of passage in dating is, after a couple of grueling months of hot-and-cold from a would-be partner, to have the DTR (define the relationship) conversation, only to be told that the other person is looking for “something casual.” Which, in turn, may lead you to a reckoning with yourself, where you question: Are casual relationships ever OK?  

As with most dating questions, the answer is it depends. Mainly, on you.  

What is a casual relationship? 

There is no all-encompassing definition of casual relationships, as they can vary wildly between each casual relationship. Instead, casual relationships can only be defined by what they are not: serious. A serious relationship, based on common sense, would include seeing each other regularly, emotional and physical intimacy, labels and exclusivity, and the eventual prospects of meeting friends and family, moving in together, maybe getting married, and otherwise intertwining lives. 

A casual relationship is not that. Some casual relationships may possess a number of these features, but people in casual relationships are often more physically oriented, keep their lives separate, and do not see each other as frequently as one would in a serious relationship. Additionally, casual relationships may not necessarily be exclusive. Several types of relationship arrangements, such as dating situationships, friends-with-benefits, and the booty call, all fall under the umbrella of casual relationships. 

Are casual relationships ever OK? 

If you typically walk into relationships looking for a long-term partner, you might wonder how other people are not looking for that. However, we all have different needs and goals at different times in our lives, so a serious relationship might not be suitable for everyone always. Maybe not even you at some point.  

For instance, you might be career-oriented or getting a degree, so you anticipate not having time for something serious. You might already know that you will not be living in the same city a year from today and, therefore, do not want to commit to someone where you currently live. Alternatively, you might be happy with your life the way it is and simply not want to put in the effort to maintain a serious relationship, as relationships can be a lot of work at times. Or, you might not be emotionally available, whether you have gone through a breakup, divorce, or experienced some other event that has made you unable to commit to someone else emotionally at this time. The reasons are endless.  

Not surprisingly, there are many people who benefit from a casual arrangement rather than something serious. Hence, why it seems like everyone has had that experience of being told by their potential partner they are looking for “something casual.”  

So is a casual relationship something to be desired? The short answer is yes. We are all free to live our lives however we please, and if that includes seeking something casual, then so be it. There is also a long answer: similar to serious relationships, casual relationships only work with the proper precautions, communication, and respect between partners. 

How to Successfully Cultivate a Casual Relationship 

There is a right way and a righter way to have a casual relationship, one in which both partners’ feelings are a consideration. Here are a few tips about how to get started.  

Be clear about your intentions. 

If you are looking for something casual, be upfront about it. You don’t want to lead the other person on, allowing them to develop feelings for you and decide to continue to see you because they are hopeful for a commitment, while you know you don’t want one. This means telling the other person very early on that you don’t want anything serious, so they can decide accordingly whether to end the relationship.  

You may find the other person is looking for something casual, too. If this is the case, be sure to maintain an open line of communication for the duration of your relationship. If you or your partner begin to develop feelings for each other, you need to be forthcoming with that information so they and you can act with that information in mind. As in agreeing to redefine the relationship to make it more serious, or moving on. 

Establish clear boundaries.  

What dynamic works most effectively between you and your partner? Are you trying to meet with your partner weekly, biweekly, or for a sporadic date every now and then? When you do meet up, what are you comfortable with? Is your relationship purely physical, or are you okay with also hanging out with your partner?  

What will the protocol be if either of you becomes emotionally entrenched? At what time will you share this information? What will the next steps be? 

Also, be sure to define your physical boundaries in addition to your emotional ones. These can include what you are OK doing during sex, as well as whether you are comfortable with cuddling, spending the night, grabbing food, or whatever else you envision your after-sex protocol will be. 

Get tested regularly and use protection.  

Some casual relationships might be exclusive to minimize the risk of contracting STIs. However, the general appeal of casual relationships for many is the lack of exclusivity. In other words, you can sleep with your partner, but you also have the freedom to sleep with other people, too.  

The downside is that you increase your risk of contracting STIs. Therefore, it is critical for you to each disclose if you have STIs, when you last got tested, how many sexual partners you have had since you last got tested, whether you have used protection with those partners, as well as if you are on birth control (if applicable). Not to mention, what your protocol will be while you are both involved. 

Be respectful.  

Sure, you are not committed to the person you are sleeping with, but that is not an excuse to treat them with disrespect. To be a good sexual partner, you need to be considerate of the other person’s happiness, both in and out of the bedroom. For example, don’t push them out the door as soon as you’re done having sex. That is unless you have explicitly discussed with your partner that you are both OK with one partner immediately leaving.  

Additionally, sending mixed signals to your partner and otherwise not being clear and consistent about your intentions can confuse your partner. So avoid leading them on and dangling a relationship like a carrot to keep them in bed with you. And, whatever you do, if you don’t want to pursue your relationship further, be sure not to ghost. It’s just mean. 

Final thoughts … 

With these tips, you have the tools to successfully cultivate and maintain a casual relationship that minimizes the chances one person will wind up hurt in the end, which is still always a risk. Because at the end of the day, casual relationships are still relationships, no matter how loaded — or unloaded — the term “relationship” might be in your mind. 

How Old is Too Old to Date?

Whether you are the child of a parent who’s dating or you are over 50 and looking to get back out there following a breakup or just a break, you might find yourself wondering: How old is too old to date? In other words, when is it no longer “socially acceptable” to search for love and companionship or whatever else you desire from a new partner? 

The short answer is, with so many advantages to dating in midlife and beyond, dating doesn’t have to come with an expiration date. As long as you are enthusiastic and put your heart into the process, you, too, can reap the benefits. For the long(er) answer, which includes what those benefits are and how to meet someone later in life, read on.

Reasons for dating (again) at an older age

Two of the most common reasons why people start dating again in midlife or after are they are getting divorced, or they have been widowed. These are major life events and can be dramatic changes for anyone, especially if they have been married for decades or are used to being with someone. The same is true of being in a long-term relationship that, for any other reason, reached its end. 

An individual in any of these scenarios might want the emotional support and companionship that comes from being partnered again. They might want someone with whom to share emotional burdens or engage in activities, hobbies, and pastimes. Or perhaps they were never married and are looking for a special someone. The bottom line is people don’t stop wanting love just because they have gotten older. 

But don’t take my word for it. In a recent “Dear Abby” column about a mom who started dating in an assisted living facility following the death of her husband, the writer says that the children of the man their mother is dating aren’t responding well. Abby writes, “Your mother’s is not the first romance to blossom in a situation like this, and it won’t be the last. What has happened is a blessing, and I hope the man’s daughters will come to regard it as one.” 

Stories like the above abound, demonstrating that it’s never too late to search for — and find — a match. So why criticize others for wanting to be happy or keep yourself from the same just because you are not “young”? 

Benefits of dating at an older age

Three of the most common benefits of dating in midlife or beyond include increased emotional well-being, improved physical health benefits, and financial security. Let me explain.

Emotional well-being is one major reason why it can be advantageous to date at an older age. Research has shown that physical affection and companionship can decrease the risk of depression in older adults and help increase self-esteem. Especially after a life change, such as a divorce or the death of a spouse, this kind of support can be helpful.

A person might seek companionship for the physical aspects of it, such as hand-holding, hugs, or sex, each of which typically accompanies romantic relationships. Likewise, romantic relationships in midlife and beyond are associated with better healing after surgery and a longer lifespan. 

Finally, financial benefits are a factor when considering dating after 50. In certain circumstances, marriage and other romantic partnerships can improve finances by providing specific tax benefits. So, too, can the commitment to share living expenses, such as rent and utilities. 

Dating apps and sites for older people

With the increased demand for meeting a partner after 50 has come added resources. These include dating websites and apps that cater specifically to older adults looking for every type of relationship, romantic, activity partner, or otherwise. 

SeniorMatch, for instance, has over a million senior singles over 50. To make the search process easier, this site allows users to prioritize different kinds of relationships, including dating and relationships and travel mates. Silver Singles is another example. This site only lets users over 50 on the platform and provides matchmaking services to help people connect. More mainstream dating platforms like OKCupid and Match can also be useful for older people looking for relationships.

Lastly, a professional matchmaker with a database of clients above 50 and a large network developed over decades can likewise provide options to meet other eligible singles. Singles who are wonderful but either aren’t online or don’t stand out online. A skilled matchmaker, however, knows how to spot them. 

Final thoughts …

Looking for love and companionship at any age is a personal decision driven by many factors, usually more than one at a time. The reasons for dating don’t fade with age but either continue or even increase. In the same column mentioned earlier, Abby says that “older folks are doing nothing wrong. They have a right to be happy ...”

In other words, no one’s opinion should deprive you of that happiness. Especially your own opinion. As the English playwright Sir Arthur Wing Pinero stated, “Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.”

Should You Use Botox to Enhance Your Looks as You Age?

As every woman reaches “a certain age,” she comes face to face (pun intended) with the inevitable loss of her youthful appearance. It might start with a stray gray hair that she plucks away on sight. Then, it might be a slowing metabolism or the onset of creases in her forehead or around her eyes.  

Society tends to associate wrinkles with age. With the pre-existing societal construct that younger women are attractive and older women are not, women can feel pressured to preserve their youth by any available means, including cosmetic procedures such as Botox. 

This pressure to appear beautiful is magnified by the dating scene for women in their 50s and beyond, as discussed recently by model Paulina Prozkova, who says many women feel pressured to turn to Botox and fillers to appear younger and attract more potential partners. This perceived need that women have to get such procedures stems from ageism, as men tend to select younger women as they, too, grow older. But it does present the age-old question: Is Botox a must for midlife dating if you are a woman? 

Of course not. How you present yourself at any age, including midlife and beyond, is a personal choice. But if you are considering Botox, you should fully grasp why you are before making your decision. To help, below are several metrics you can use to decide whether Botox would be right for you. 

On aesthetic grounds 

From an aesthetic standpoint, Botox poses risks. When done correctly, Botox can smooth out wrinkles and, arguably, shave 10 years off your age. However, Botox can also easily be botched, leading to all kinds of issues, including uneven eyebrows or too much brow lowering.  

Botox can likewise affect your ability to express emotion using your face, which might not be an outcome you will be happy with. But, of course, with too much botox, no one would necessarily be the wiser to how you actually feel.  

Finally, everyone’s body responds differently to injectables, from how long they will last to how effective they will be. In other words, there is no guarantee you will look younger or even markedly different. For some, the obviousness of its use can be aging in itself. 

On psychological grounds 

Suppose your Botox procedure is “successful.” Can you prove that you are now more attractive to men because Botox objectively makes you look younger? Or is it that you feel more youthful due to having Botox and now exude more confidence, thereby becoming more attractive to potential suitors?  

It is important to note that Botox is but one of many ways to achieve this outcome. A positive mindset combined with other aesthetic tweaks such as an updated wardrobe, new hairstyle, and well-applied makeup can each be a cause for feeling more confident. So, too, can coaching and education about how to be a better dater.  

That said, given how confidence is critical to attraction, that if you feel good about yourself, you will naturally become more attractive, Botox can be part of the larger equation. In other words, it could be a viable option if Botox helps you get to a place where you feel more comfortable about your appearance.  

But, of course, if you are not feeling good about yourself because of past trauma or you are still being weighed down by your last relationship and how it ended, or you are getting it to please someone other than yourself, Botox won’t be the magic potion you envision it to be. It might end up making you feel worse. 

On health grounds 

While the American Society of Plastic Surgeons (ASPS) considers Botox safe, the procedure poses several health-related risks. Possible side effects of Botox include drooping of the eyelid or brow if injected near the eye, weakness or paralysis of nearby muscles, hives, rashes, or itching pain, bleeding, bruising, swelling, numbness, or redness, headache, dry mouth, flu-like symptoms, nausea, trouble swallowing, speaking, or breathing, gallbladder problems, blurry vision, or vision problems.  

However, it is worth noting that, due to Botox wearing off over time, most of these side effects are temporary. Furthermore, the procedure may fail due to the antibodies fighting the toxin in Botox, which occurs for less than 1% of people who get repeated courses. Therefore, before you get Botox, you must ask yourself if you are OK with assuming these risks. 

On financial grounds 

In 2020, the average Botox procedure cost $466. However, the cost may vary, depending on how many units of Botox you get (the more Botox you get, the more expensive the procedure becomes), the professional performing the injections (i.e., plastic surgeon, nurse, physician assistant), and where you get it done (prices vary based on locale). In addition, while insurance will not cover Botox procedures for aesthetic reasons, many policies will cover Botox for medical reasons, such as excessive sweating and migraines. 

Botox usually lasts for three or four months, so the expense of getting the procedure can add up over time. Therefore, you need to ask yourself if this is a sum of money you are comfortable spending or if there are other things you would prefer to spend your disposable income on instead.  

Final thoughts … 

With these considerations in mind, assess what place you see Botox having in your life. From there, you can decide whether it is an option you would like to explore or continue with for the long term while keeping in mind that true confidence doesn’t come in a vial. Rather, it comes from deep inside of you. 

On Dating Much Younger Men (Like Cher). Should You?

It should not come as news that some women “of a certain age” are attracted to men of a certain age — young. Just how young? Ask Cher; her most recent beau, Alexander Edwards, is 40 years her junior.  

Of the age difference and what it means to her? As reported in an article in Vulture, the actress and singer recently tweeted, “LOVE DOESN’T KNOW MATH.”  

The question, however, remains: Will this same equation work for you? To find out, ask yourself the following five questions.  

1. What am I looking for from a relationship with a younger man? 

Before entering into any relationship, asking yourself what you are looking for is critical. As a general rule, if you and your potential partner have different relationship goals, as in you want to travel the world, but he does not, your relationship will likely not work long-term, regardless of age. 

With the added element of a larger age gap, it is important to ask this question in the context of age, as there are added considerations that come from being in a relationship with someone in a completely different life stage than you. Most obvious among these considerations is the desire or ability to be a parent or where you are in your respective careers.  

Several less obvious driving forces can also direct you into a relationship with a much younger man. Perhaps you are starting to feel your age and want to be around someone significantly younger to feel young again. Or maybe you aren’t attracted to men your age and are drawn to younger prospects. Or perhaps you usually don’t date younger but have found your soulmate who happens to be a few decades your junior.  

Once you understand your reasoning for entering an age-gap relationship, you can navigate that relationship and your expectations accordingly. But you are not out of the woods yet. The follow-up questions you ask are equally relevant, beginning with this next one.  

2. What is a younger man looking for from a relationship with me? 

Since two people have to agree to be in a relationship, it means similar to how you have your reasons for wanting to pursue this relationship, the guy you are considering has his. With that in mind, ask yourself — and him (you might be surprised how brutally honest people can be when posed with a direct question) — why he is looking for a relationship with an older woman. The reasons might surprise you.  

It could be that he is simply “into” older women. Or it could be that he is trying to find a sugar-baby-type situation. Or perhaps he is interested in you for you, and age is not a factor for him. 

Whatever it is, it is important to understand his motivations in dating you so that you can protect yourself. For instance, if you suspect that he wants to date you because he thinks you have money, you either need to be OK with that reality or move on, as financially motivated relationships can be destructive not only to your bank account but also to your heart. 

Additionally, you need to understand his reasoning for being in your relationship because it contributes to compatibility. Even if you are both looking for an age-gap relationship, you may still be incompatible if you have different motivations for being in your specific relationship. 

3. Do I care what other people think and say about me dating a younger man? 

To address the elephant in the room: Age-gap relationships can be controversial. When the woman is older than the man, the relationship may become even more controversial or be judged more harshly. 

Inevitably, you will probably face some judgment for dating a man significantly younger than you. Whether it is from acquaintances who tease you for dating someone young enough to be your son, from strangers who glare at you or roll their eyes at you in public, or from a misguided onlooker who tells you that you and he have the same eyes, people will perceive your relationship a certain way. They may go so far as to express those perceptions to you, mean-spirited or not. 

Such comments may bother you. Or they won’t. The point is that you are honest and ask yourself from the get-go if you care what other people think and say. While we can all express platitudes about how it doesn’t matter what people think as long as you are happy — which is true, and you shouldn’t let other people’s biases dictate how you live your life — it is also true that relationships don’t exist in a vacuum.  

The external pressure of people shaming you for who you love could penetrate your relationship and ultimately apply pressure. If you feel ashamed of being seen in public with your partner out of fear of judgment, your relationship will probably not work. If you know yourself and that this type of judgment will affect you, then it is best to end the relationship now. Going against the grain requires thick skin. 

4. Will I be able to keep up with a younger man? 

Being “older” can be a concern if you and your partner have different energy levels. For instance, if your younger partner is currently running marathons, but you have problems with your knees and cannot walk too far, you may suffer from incompatibility.  

Similarly, you may have issues with sexual compatibility. A younger man may want to have sex several times a week, for example, while an older woman may not have the same needs. That said, generalizations abound regarding age, making this last question a must …  

5. Will a younger man be able to keep up with me? 

Being an “older” woman doesn’t mean you don’t have energy or desires, sexual or otherwise. Quite the contrary. Many single women 50 and over find their stride, exploring new careers, hobbies, and interests with renewed or even a new vitality previously unmatched in their lifetime. 

So just as you need to know what you are getting into when you become involved with a younger man, the same will go for him. A word to the wise: Make sure he can keep up — with you. 

Leveraging Your Social Network to Find Love

In a world of dating apps, it can feel more challenging than ever to find a meaningful relationship, let alone someone open to one. The good news is if you are looking for more ways to connect with dating prospects, your social network can be a valuable asset.

The bad news? In most instances, your social network won’t come to you, so you will likely have to work for it. Not sure what that means or how to go about it? I got you covered. Below are my favorite approaches for leveraging your social network to find love.

Focus on building connections.

This may sound like old advice, but focusing on building genuine and meaningful connections with people you already know is really one of the most effective strategies for finding love. Not only can this approach help you potentially connect with future partners directly, but it opens the door for meeting new people who could introduce you to your next romantic partner, potentially your spouse. By focusing on building connections instead of viewing dates as a means to an end, you can increase the number of people in your corner, even if you don’t end up in a relationship with them specifically. 

Ask people in your life for an introduction.

One of the best ways to use your network to find a relationship is to come right out and ask those in it to set you up. Though it can feel intimidating, this approach enables you to meet people you might not ordinarily.

As a general rule, begin with close friends and family. These people know you better than most, so ideally, they should have a strong sense of who would be a good fit for you. They also likely know some of your dating history and what kind of person you are looking for. 

After reaching out to close friends and family, expand your circle to include acquaintances, co-workers, and those friends and family members who you don’t see as often but still maintain a relationship with to some degree. Then put the word out that you are open to introductions. You will probably be pleasantly surprised by how many people out there want to play Cupid. 

Another group in your network to focus on, which many people don’t think to look to at first, is previous dates. If you have built a meaningful connection or even not so meaningful, but you still had some rapport with a previous date, and it just didn’t pan out, they might be willing to set you up with someone they know. Having your ex, especially after a recent breakup, set you up might not work out for you or them, but a person who you went on a date or two with but didn’t end up dating for long can be a great person to ask, so long as there is no animosity between you. 

Host or attend group outings yourself.

Another effective way to leverage your network to find love is by organizing or attending group outings. Dinner or drinks that include friends of friends can be helpful for meeting new people and potentially finding a match.

You can also attend events organized specifically for singles, such as those by Meetup or a group in your community. By attending activities such as a photography class, book club, or organized hike, for example, you can increase your chances of meeting those who share common interests, or, again, being introduced by someone you meet there to a dating prospect outside your existing social network. 

Utilize social media.

Whether you are all in on dating apps or totally against them, social media platforms themselves can offer another digital spin on finding a relationship through your network. For instance, you can ask followers or friends via a social media post who you may not talk to or see as often to set you up with someone they know or are acquainted with, or you can try to connect directly with people sharing similar interests. You can also approach people by DM on social media platforms as well for a more personalized and directed strategy.

Keep an open mind.

Regardless of the strategy or strategies you employ to meet singles using your social network, the best approach of all is to keep an open mind. None of these suggestions will work if you go into them with too specific an idea about what kind of person you are looking for or are deadset against. Having a few dealbreakers is one thing, but being too narrow in your search is another.

Love comes in many shapes and sizes. The key is recognizing all the possibilities that exist for finding it.

7 Ways to Show Support for Your Partner During Difficult Times

We all go through rough patches in our lives. Part of being a good partner is being supportive during difficult times. Of course, that is often easier said than done, not only because you may not have been the partner you wanted to be previously, but also because you may not have known how to. What follows is a discussion about how you can show your partner you are there for them when they may need you most. 

1. Check in with them.

If you notice your partner is feeling down and not acting as they usually do, such as isolating themselves, acting irritable or angry, or appearing like they are in a funk, start by checking in on them. A simple, “Is something upsetting you?” can be a good jumping-off point. However, some people are more forthcoming about their feelings than others.  

Should this be the case with your partner, or they have a history of passive-aggressive behavior, ask yourself if there is something you could have done to upset them. If you are not aware of anything, look to factors in your partner’s life that may be responsible: a challenging time at work, a sick relative, a disappointment, or a life change, to name a few possibilities.

Next, communicate to your partner that you noticed they have not been their usual self and seem like they may not be OK. Explain what you have noticed that has led you to this conclusion. By doing so, you open the door for your partner to confide in you about what is going on. 

Now, how you respond from here will be key to how adept you are at being a supportive partner. This is why you should …

2. Just listen at first. 

If you are lucky and your partner shares with you why they are upset, simply listen. Let them get everything they need to off of their chest first before speaking. Depending on what the issue is, you may instinctually want to tell them their problem is not that big of a deal, they are overreacting, or you can fix it for them. 

While these comments may be true and come from your heart, this isn’t necessarily what your partner wants to hear. At least just yet. So, when they have finished speaking to you, ask this: Would you like to hear my thoughts about what you just told me?

If your partner says yes, tread carefully. It still doesn’t mean you cut loose and say anything and everything that is on your mind. Instead, do the following.    

3. Ask what you can do to support them.

Whether or not you know or have some understanding of why your partner is feeling unhappy, your next step should be to ask them what you can do to provide them with the support they need. However, you still need to be careful not to take on their problems and try to fix things for them. This may make people feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even smothered. 

Depending on how your partner reacts to stress, they may ask for some space. It can be very difficult to give it to them. But it is critical to the health of your relationship that if your partner communicates such a need you listen. 

Make clear to your partner that if they need space, it is OK. However, also let them know they can depend on you for emotional support if they choose, and you will be there for them if and when they do.

4. Find ways to bring your partner joy and show them how much you appreciate them.

When your partner is dealing with problems from other aspects of their life, one of your greatest assets as their partner is that you can help them escape for a little bit. Rather than reminding them of what is bringing them down, you can be a haven for happiness. You can do this in a variety of ways. 

You can use their love language, as described in Gary Chapman’s “The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts” to determine what type of attention they would respond to best. For example, if your partner’s love language is words of affirmation, you can give reminders of how much you love and care for them and how wonderful you think they are. Or if their love language is time, give them more of it.

Maybe you can plan a fun date night, such as going to that new restaurant you have been meaning to try and then getting ice cream, or a night in playing games and watching a movie. It doesn’t matter, as long as your partner is receptive. 

5. Don’t make the problem about you (unless it is about you).

When you are in a relationship and your partner admits that they are unhappy, even if the source of unhappiness is unrelated to you, it can be difficult to separate yourself from their feelings and think it stems from you anyway. 

You may try to absorb their unhappiness and fix the situation for them as a result. However, in doing this, as discussed earlier, you risk overstepping your partner’s boundaries, angering them, causing resentment, or making them feel smothered. Furthermore, you risk your own mental health by working to fix someone else and what’s likely beyond your control. 

6. That said, don’t let your partner make you the villain (unless you are).

Sometimes, when a partner is going through stress, they may become angry and irritable, taking out their negative feelings on you. They may criticize you, make you feel bad, or get angry with you very quickly. 

While you may sympathize with their plight, this kind of behavior is unacceptable because it can lead to other abusive behaviors. Therefore, you need to make it clear from the beginning that you will not tolerate this treatment. In other words, you should enforce your own boundaries. If you are still having trouble …

7. Ask for outside help.

When your partner is going through a hard time, you may feel like you are going through a hard time, too. And your relationship during this time may suffer as a consequence. 

We often think of relationships as 50-50. But a true 50-50 dynamic is impossible at every moment, as there will sometimes be a partner who may need more than they are able to give. Your dynamic may mean both of you need an added pair of hands, an empathetic ear, or advice. 

If your partner doesn’t appear to be making any progress or lacks the ability to handle their problems, even with you there, you may want to help them seek assistance from a mental health professional. If you need assistance getting them to this point, look to others in your and their network for support.

Final thoughts …

When you are the one supporting your partner, it is important that you engage in self-care. To that end, see your friends and family, engage in your favorite hobbies and pastimes, and spend time away from your partner to clear your head. 

Also, if you feel you could benefit from a mental health professional, seek that out as well. Just as you wouldn’t expect your partner to get through a difficult time on their own, neither should you.