The New York Times recently tackled a dilemma posed by a reader in its Ethicist column, specifically whether it is necessary for her to disclose to the matchmaking service she is working with that she is a cancer survivor. The reader, a 58-year-old woman, so far had not. The short answer from the Times: A prospective partner should understand why the woman had wanted to share the information herself directly.
I respectfully disagree, meaning I think, in no uncertain terms, the woman should have told her matchmaker and still should. Not only because I am a professional matchmaker myself but, more importantly, because I was once in this woman’s shoes. I was — and am — a cancer survivor.
Like you, I am a cancer survivor.
You see, when I was 20 years old, I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. Thankfully, I won my battle against this dreadful disease that takes hundreds of thousands of lives yearly in the U.S. alone. Besides that, I went on to graduate from college, started a career as a matchmaker, and met the man who would become my husband, with whom I now share three beautiful children.
So, as a matchmaker and cancer survivor myself, I find myself uniquely suited to provide insight into this particular Times reader’s question. And here it is in a nutshell: You do not need to tell someone on or before the first date that you survived cancer, but you should definitely tell your matchmaker from the get-go. Why?
It is advantageous for everyone involved to disclose your history of cancer to your matchmaker.
Well, for a few reasons, the first and most obvious being that your matchmaker can begin to weed out those “not for yous,” those people who, for the reasons I discuss below, may be hesitant to date you because of your history with cancer. And that, I am here to say, is someone who does not want you for you.
As you probably already know, cancer can go away. But what you may not know if you have not had this experience is that surviving cancer becomes a part of who you are. In other words, when you survive cancer, you become a survivor. It is part of your identity. Therefore, it impacts how you perceive the world and, in many ways, the goals you set for yourself and why. It is also something you are proud of — immensely.
So, to not disclose your cancer status to your matchmaker, the person working for you to find you the most compatible partner — would mean your matchmaker has only part of the story. This, in turn, means the person they may choose for you is only privy to part of the story, too, a story which may cause them, sorry to say, to pass on you.
Not to worry; this is not someone you need in your life anyway. And, because of that, it should be no loss to you. Not wasting time with a person who, for whatever reason, does not want you means you have freed up valuable time to date those who see you, including your triumph over cancer, as a plus, not a negative. But for that to happen, your matchmaker must have this relevant piece of information.
Other logistical reasons make it such that you should disclose to your matchmaker that you survived cancer. For instance, the battle against cancer may have taken a physical toll on your body, which can impact other aspects of your life, such as the level to which you can participate in an active lifestyle or perform in the bedroom.
While these factors may be directly related to your battle against cancer, they could affect the matches your matchmaker determines would be ideal for you. Additionally, there is the matter of whether your cancer resulted in some more obvious physical attribute, which a prospective partner may want to know before meeting so they, too, can make an informed decision about how they want to proceed, if at all.
Your matchmaker should protect your privacy.
As for how the matchmaker utilizes your cancer status to vet matches? This is critical to the process as well. A skilled, experienced matchmaker, one with empathy and discretion, should not be telling the whole world your medical history.
Your medical history is personal, and your matchmaker should use that information only to test the waters with potential matches. The inquiry should come off something like this: How would you feel about dating someone who once had cancer and survived?” They should not be saying, “This particular person had cancer.” It thus becomes your story to tell.
When should you disclose your history of cancer to the people you date?
Now, you may be wondering, when is it appropriate to tell? Disclosing that you have had cancer is not an ice breaker, meaning it is not generally first-date material. Cancer, like any other medical diagnosis, is personal, and you should not expect to have to share this information freely with strangers. Like any other intimate emotional information, such as details about your divorce, sharing too much too soon can scare away the person you are just getting to know.
If, however, after some time, you find you like the person you are dating, and they appear to like you, and you determine there is rapport and trust between you, then it is probably time to share. Indeed, you may find that there will be a time when your history with cancer comes up naturally in conversation, whether because of a story you are exchanging, an upcoming doctor appointment, medication you are taking, dietary restrictions, or that your date has or had cancer, too.
But if it does not come up, still make it a point to share this more intimate detail about who you are. Hopefully, the person you are seeing will appreciate your candor and timing and come to like and respect you more. If they do not, so be it; you have all the information you need.
Final thoughts …
Remember, a relationship should reflect that you and your partner are a team, which means that you should be able to be who you are. That includes being a cancer survivor. As I have found with my clients and in my own life, sharing this information can strengthen a romantic bond when the time is right. Just as surviving cancer has strengthened us.