Dating apps have cemented themselves as part of the modern dating pathos. Many people see them merely as an extension of hookup culture, not as a means to finding romance.
As a longtime matchmaker who employs technology to an age-old practice, I’m here to tell you that dating apps can be effective. Notice I say can and not will. The question of whether you find romance using dating apps turns not on your use of dating apps but on how you use them.
Below are a few pieces of advice for utilizing dating apps to realize their potential. And yours.
Change your perspective.
One of the most enticing aspects of dating apps is just how many people you can meet and match with on them; there’s a seemingly infinite number of potential matches for you. While exciting, it can also keep you on the apps as you search for the “perfect” person.
Changing your perspective is, therefore, key to using dating apps. Instead of viewing dating apps as synonymous with the dating process, think of them as a means to an end. Your goal shouldn’t be to find the “perfect” person or to “win” at dating apps. Rather, your goal should be to meet as many people as possible who meet the criteria you set and to keep the momentum going with those you hit it off with in real life.
By changing how you think about the purpose of dating apps and making meeting like-minded people a priority, you can better protect yourself from getting addicted to dating apps, especially the process of swiping. In theory, you could swipe indefinitely, but doing so won’t actually help you find a partner in the long run.
Don’t make dating apps your only tool for meeting other singles.
Using dating apps as a means to meet other singles is great. You can meet people you wouldn’t otherwise, and you can find people who share similar goals. That said, you shouldn’t fall into the trap of just using dating apps.
Dating apps should be one method for meeting potential partners, not the only one. If you over-rely on dating apps, you risk losing sight of the reason you’re actually using them. For instance, though you may use dating apps to meet as many people as possible, the number of people on dating apps can be overwhelming and turn you off altogether, creating an effect opposite to what you intended when you first began using them.
It’s important to remember that the people you talk to on dating apps exist offline and that there are lots of people who don’t use dating apps at all. You should, therefore, be sure to make attempts to meet people outside of dating apps — by going to in-person events dedicated to helping singles meet, attending parties, or even asking friends or family to set you up. Taking these extra steps helps you meet more people while preventing you from becoming over-reliant on dating apps.
Manage your expectations.
Another way to keep your relationship with dating apps healthy is to keep your expectations in check. Dating apps can offer a lot of great opportunities, but they aren’t perfect.
There are numerous reasons people sign up for dating apps. Some are looking for romance and partnership, just like you. However, others use dating apps solely for hookups or even for infidelity. You’ll likely be exposed to such people when you’re using dating apps, too. If you keep this possibility in mind, it can help you keep your expectations in check.
Additionally, the number of people who use dating apps can once again come back to bite you. Though dating apps pretty much guarantee you’ll be exposed to lots of people, it also means that not everyone you encounter will be a good match.
This reality isn’t necessarily bad — opposites attract for a reason. But it’s important to keep in mind that the only thing you may have in common with some people is that you’re both on the app.
Not to mention, you simply won’t click with everyone, even if you seem like a fit right off the bat. Keeping this in mind can also help you manage your expectations so that you don’t feel let down all the time.
Don’t continue to communicate on the apps.
If you meet someone that you like on a dating app, you should try and move your conversations off the app as quickly as possible. Switch to texting, calling, or even emailing instead of chatting on the app. This move will help both of you change your thinking about potential. Instead of being merely another instance of matching, you’ll actually be pursuing some type of relationship.
In the same vein, you should try to meet in person fairly quickly. This lets you establish your expectations early on and can help you weed out people who aren’t looking for anything more than a texting or phone relationship.
It also helps you to establish a relationship that’s independent of the app. Dating apps are effective tools for meeting other singles, but they shouldn’t be the driving force for your relationship once you’ve connected.
Keep your standards high.
It’s critical to remember that you’re allowed to have standards and set your own boundaries when using dating apps. It can sometimes be challenging to keep this top of mind or enforce your boundaries consistently because of how many people you interact with on dating apps daily, but it’s important for you and your potential relationships, as well as your mental health, that you do so.
So keep your standards high. For instance, if you have certain behaviors that you wouldn’t normally tolerate on a first date — rudeness to you or to the wait staff, for instance — don’t tolerate it just because you met online. You’re entitled to respect and high standards regardless of where you met the person.
Additionally, respect and enforce your boundaries. Especially because so many people use dating apps for hookups or flings, you may feel like you need to be a part of that culture. Indeed, people have expectations about what’s “normal” when using dating apps. Even in the face of those expectations, it’s important to maintain and prioritize your boundaries and yourself. Doing so protects you from ending up in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you.
Final thoughts …
Though dating apps have altered how people date, don’t let them cause you to lose hope. There are other people on dating apps looking for romance just like you, and more offline.
So take comfort in using dating apps as the tool they’re meant to be, keeping their overarching purpose in mind. All the while remembering that the only person who can ever destroy your chances at romance is you.