It’s super easy to go on a dating app, look at endless photos of people, and swipe right or left. Even on first dates, the majority of the time, you will know within five minutes whether you can see yourself going on a second date. However, if you’ve ever wondered whether you’d date yourself and your initial answer is, “Yes, I’m such a catch,” yet you keep attracting dud after dud, you might want to consider why no one has caught you.
The answer could be that you’ve simply been unlucky so far. Or that you haven’t been dating frequently enough. After all, dating is, in some respects, a numbers game. Meaning that, statistically, after a certain number of dates, you should eventually hit it off with someone, at least for a while. But if you’ve been dating regularly and you never seem to click with anyone, the issue could be much closer to home.
If this is the conclusion you’ve arrived at, you have a choice to make. You could either keep things going the way they are now and rely on the probability that someone exists for you as you are in the present. Or, you could consider the possibility that there’s a glitch in your current dating protocol needing attention.
While the most cliché breakup line in the book is, “It’s not you, it’s me,” it can’t always be them and never you. With this in mind, here’s what you could do to make yourself a better dating prospect, someone you’d want to date, let alone someone else.
Evaluate your past relationships.
There’s something to learn from every relationship, from a one-hour coffee date to a 30-year marriage. Ask yourself why the relationship ended. Did you reject your partner, did they reject you, or did you mutually part ways? Did your relationship end amicably, or was tension brewing for weeks or months that finally blew up in your face? Was there infidelity, a lack of chemistry, ghosting after sex, an odd remark that rubbed you the wrong way, or general incompatibility?
As you answer these questions about your past loves or crushes (yes, even about the first dates that never amounted to anything), be sure to explore any patterns, even the seemingly superficial trends in your dating history, such as what your dates look like or what they do for a living. As you will see, this information eventually comes together to indicate the two types of people you commonly date — the type you reject and the type that rejects you. I can pretty much guarantee you that there will be consistency between the makeup of the two groups.
Consider who you’ve been matching with and why.
Dating is about finding someone with similar values with whom you can envision sharing your life. Generally speaking, the matches you liked but didn’t like you back indicate the attributes you idealize, while the matches that liked you but you didn’t like back indicate the values you possess. Both types of matches are equally crucial in exploring yourself as a potential match.
There’s often a disconnect between yourself and your ideal match. For example, you may say you want to date someone ambitious and driven, but in reality, you’re still trying to figure out your career path. As a result, you keep repelling these same ambitious people. Or you may say you want to find someone who’s emotionally available, yet you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners because you’re emotionally unavailable. See any trends?
Ask yourself the questions you would ask any potential match.
Leave your body for a bit, and imagine you’re on a date with yourself. Next, go through your list of must-haves for your ideal partner as well as your dealbreakers. As you review each item on your lists, ask yourself how you’d fare.
You may find that, actually, no, you cannot meet the standards you’ve set. This is likely due to two reasons: Either you’ve set the bar so high it’s only possible for a select few to reach it, or you must still do more work on yourself before becoming a person you’d even remotely consider dating. To that end …
Work on yourself.
There’s a reason everyone gives this advice when you go through a breakup or have been single for a while. We’re attracted to people who share the same values as us, which means that if we don’t possess specific values ourselves, we need to be Ok with dating someone who doesn’t have them either or work toward adopting these values as our own.
Think about it in the following ways. If you want to date a career person, focus on your career. If you want to date someone with an athletic physique, hit the gym. If you want to (finally) date someone who isn’t afraid of commitment, go to therapy and get to the bottom of whatever is in your past that’s keeping you from being emotionally available.
Final thoughts …
By becoming the perfect match for you first, you can bridge the disconnect between who you are and who you want in your life. So set your standards carefully, then work to meet, even exceed them. Once you truly want to date yourself, only then will you attract someone you want to date and who wants to date you, too.