Dating After the Death of a Spouse

The journey from loss due to the death of a spouse to new love is not a linear one. Whether you are young or old(er), no two people’s paths to love will be the same, nor will two loves. 

If you’re ready to date following your spouse’s death or are already dating, it doesn’t mean you love your spouse any less or don’t miss them. It also doesn’t mean you won’t forever grieve your spouse’s absence or have days when you feel sad. What it does mean is that you’ve made the very personal decision to honor your spouse’s life by continuing to live yours. 

That said, dating after the death of your spouse won’t come without its challenges. Here’s what you should know.   

Grieving and Healing 

Following the loss of a spouse, it can feel impossible to know where you begin and your grief ends. Though it is said grieving is a process with five distinct stages of grief, it’s not something you graduate from but, instead, learn to live with and manage. Therefore, everyone’s readiness — whether to go to lunch with friends, attend a support group, travel, begin to date (more about this below), or do anything else that might appear small but feel like you’re moving mountains — will vary. That’s because we’re all changed by loss.    

As a person who’s experienced the loss of a spouse, not only will it be important to give yourself time to grieve, but it will also be important to rediscover who you are post-loss. There are many ways to do this: introspection, therapy, time, and experimentation. What you valued before the loss of your spouse may very well differ now. The same can be said about how you spend your time. You’re in the driver’s seat, and no one can tell you what feels right. This includes your readiness for dating. 

Timing and Readiness for Dating 

Dating after a loss is a big adjustment. Not only because you miss your partner and may have a tendency, at least early on, to measure everyone you meet against your late spouse, but also because, depending on how long you were married, you may not have dated for a while. 

Aside from a lack of familiarity with modern dating, you may also experience guilt about dating someone new, even if your spouse gave you their blessing during their lifetime. This is natural. When it comes to dating after the loss of a spouse, there’s no right or wrong way to feel, and emotions can run the gamut. Not to mention, well-meaning people, and perhaps those not so well-meaning, may think it their place to weigh in on when to date and whom. 

Successfully dating after a loss will, in many ways, be a function of how adept you are, or become, at overcoming any guilt you may have about seeing someone romantically other than your spouse and managing society’s expectations of what you should or shouldn’t be doing. Again, your best bet is to do what feels right to you. Remember, it’s your life; only you know how you feel.  

Navigating Online Dating as a Widow or Widower

Now, if you haven’t been “out there” for some time, the dating landscape has likely changed for you. Dating sites and apps may seem foreign. But, the good news is, they’re generally easy to maneuver once you get the hang of it. There are also professionals like myself who can guide you, including helping you to write a compelling online dating profile. 

Creating an online dating profile that communicates to potential matches your best qualities does take some effort, and the more you put in, typically, the better you’ll do online. And by better, the thought is not just the number of matches you get but the quality of them. 

For the best results, work on writing an online dating profile that’s both information-rich and interesting to read. In other words, it should embrace your uniqueness through details and story-telling. Especially as someone who’s lost a spouse, it’s valuable to be genuine about your experience. For example, if you were happily married, communicate in your profile that you were but are now looking for someone to share your next chapter with. 

Remember, you may not find that person right away, as online dating is very much a numbers game, one that’s played far better when you engage regularly with the dating site you’re on. So manage your expectations, understanding that finding love, like navigating grief, is very much a process filled with ups and downs. Be open, but set your boundaries, guarding your heart and every other part of you. 

Meeting New People 

It’s very common to have first-date jitters, especially when starting to date after having lost a spouse. You may worry about a multitude of details, most notably what to expect and what to talk about. You may also be inclined to talk about your late spouse, which is fine if you’re comfortable with it, but don’t feel compelled to share personal details if you’re not. It’s generally best to stick with get-to-know-you-type questions for the first few dates because most dates don’t transition into relationships. 

If someone is pressing you for personal details about anything, including your late spouse, recognize at a very basic level you’re incompatible and that this type of behavior is a red flag you shouldn’t ignore. You don’t owe anyone anything, including conversation, and are free to move on as you choose.

Building Healthy Relationships Following the Death of Your Spouse 

When you find someone you like and both express interest in exploring a relationship together, do so at a pace that’s comfortable for you and the person you’re dating. Healthy relationships are about mutual respect and honoring each other, including the memories and experiences you each had before meeting.   

There are likewise issues unique to those dating after the death of a spouse, and welcoming each other and your families into your lives can be a delicate matter. But with care, it can be done, and there can be new beginnings while still honoring the past and bringing elements of that past into the future. 

Final Thoughts …

Embracing love after loss is a choice, a choice you don’t have to make, but one, when you’re ready, can enhance your life. No one can ever replace the person and love you lost, but through new love, you can find hope, strength, and happiness again. 

Should Couples Live Together Before Marriage?

Back in the day, meaning if you’re middle-aged (or older) your parent’s day, living with your partner before marriage was pretty rare. Nowadays, however, what’s rarer is you being part of a couple not living with your partner before tying the knot.  

According to 2019 research from Pew, 59 percent of adults between 18 and 44 have experienced cohabitation with an unmarried partner at some stage in their lives, while 50 percent have entered into matrimony. In contrast, in 2002, 54 percent of adults within this age range had experienced cohabitation at some point, while 60 percent had tied the knot. 

Most adults aged 18 to 44 who have engaged in cohabitation (62 percent) have shared their lives with just a single partner, while 38 percent have had the experience of living with two or more partners throughout their lives. So, depending on who you talk to, you’ll likely get differing opinions on the subject, with those individuals pointing out the good, the bad, and the ugly that can come from living with your partner before marriage. But what exactly is that?  

The Benefits of Living Together Before Marriage 

One of the most noteworthy benefits of living together before marriage is that you get to do a trial run of whether you and your partner, including your lifestyles, are compatible. By living together in the same house, sleeping in the same bedroom, eating in the same kitchen, and sharing the same bathroom, you’ll get a birds-eye view of what the rest of your life (till death do you part) might look like. 

Does your partner snore? Do they leave dishes in the sink? Is their laundry piling up? Do they collect drinking glasses on the coffee table? Even more than that, how adept are you and they at letting each other know what quirks and habits annoy you and coming up with a workable solution so you can co-exist in peace?  

Another significant benefit of living together is the opportunity to see if gender equality lives in your home, meaning are you and your partner sharing chores and other household responsibilities equitably? And again, are you and your partner open enough with each other to discuss and work toward the resolution of the conflicts you have in this area?

Living together also has its financial benefits. Couples who cohabitate can share household expenses. They can also see firsthand how well their partner handles money, including whether their partner can create a budget and stick to it. Couples can also learn a lot about their partner’s values around money.

Finally, couples who live together can see how ready their partner is for this step since it’s become a reality rather than something to aspire to. So, now that you’re in it, ask yourself: Is your partner emotionally ready for this step? Are they prepared to work through adult issues as they arise and to express vulnerability? Are you? Living under the same roof sets the stage for more intimate moments, and you want to make sure you’re both ready emotionally to deepen your relationship.

The Drawbacks of Living Together Before Marriage 

Living with a partner before marriage is not without its drawbacks. Remember that old saying, “No one’s going to buy the cow if they can get the milk for free”? What it speaks to is the potential that exists for complacency; if someone is getting what they want from you (i.e., sex, intimacy, financial benefits, etc.) without having to give much to you, most importantly the level of commitment you’re looking for, they might take the relationship for granted. 

By you or your partner getting most of the perks of marriage without being married, it could lessen the significance the institution holds. If you’re looking forward to having that fairy tale wedding you always dreamed of, living together beforehand might not be the best way to get it.

On another note, not everyone has the same values about living together before marriage. Depending on where you live and your social circles, living together before marriage could put you in the hot seat with family members, friends, and even the community in which you live. Are you and your partner prepared to face that? Such judgments could stem from cultural and religious beliefs, so if you care about what others think and say, consider your environment in your decision-making.

Factors to Consider When Deciding Whether to Live With Your Partner Before Marriage

The choice to live with a partner before marriage is not one to make lightly. There are (or should be) many factors that you should consider before making this leap. 

How will living with your partner align with your values and beliefs? To find out many people living together and contemplating marriage attend premarital counseling with clergy. There also exist secular classes devoted to premarital planning. 

Another critical question to ask is whether living together would be in furtherance of your long-term relationship goals. Or do your reasons for taking this step lie elsewhere, such as to share financial responsibilities? Before taking this next step and moving in together, communicate your expectations and concerns and listen to the same from your partner. 

Finally, there could be legal and financial implications for living together depending on where you reside. Therefore, speaking with an attorney and financial advisor who can advise you about your situation is crucial.

Final Thoughts …

The question of whether you should live with your partner before marriage is a personal one. Though you can seek advice from various sources, ultimately, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. 

However, after ample consideration and discussion with your partner, you can move forward feeling better that the decision you’re making is the right one for you at this time. But if it turns out that it isn’t, you and your partner can always go your separate ways, at least with the comfort of knowing that you didn’t waste a lot of money — and calories — on wedding cake.

Interfaith Marriage: What to Consider Before Committing

An interfaith marriage describes two people from different religions who have come together in matrimony. According to research from Pew in 2015, about four out of 10 Americans who married since 2010, or 39 percent, have a spouse belonging to a religion other than their own. This is in contrast to those who wed before 1960, where only 19 reported being part of an interfaith marriage. Though interfaith marriage has become more common, is it or interfaith relationship right for you? Here are a few issues to consider as part of your decision-making.

Benefits of Interfaith Relationships

Embarking on an interfaith marriage or relationship can go a long way toward strengthening religious and cultural understanding. The idea is that the more we learn about each other as a society, the fewer barriers we’ll have between us. 

In place of barriers can come flexibility, open-mindedness, and tolerance. And, of course, more opportunities to celebrate them — on holidays and at other milestone events.

Challenges Faced by Interfaith Couples

No marriage or relationship, including an interfaith one, is without its challenges. Differing beliefs and religious practices, such as dietary restrictions, observance of holidays, and other faith-based rituals, can become the source of conflict due to unfamiliarity or agreement on specific practices. On a deeper level, there can be differences in values and beliefs. 

The decision to raise children in an interfaith relationship or marriage can raise further causes and concerns, beginning with what religion, if any, the child will follow as part of their upbringing. Though a couple can each honor their partner’s religion, it doesn’t have to mean they’ll adopt their partner’s beliefs instead of their own. However, parents might have difficulty agreeing which religion their child will practice and which celebrations, rites of passage, and ceremonies they’ll participate in.  

But suppose a particular set of parents does agree and lays out a plan for themselves and their children. It still doesn’t have to mean that the couple’s families will honor and respect their relligious choices, not to mention other members of their community, even society. Though your life is your own, navigating judgments from outsiders and societal pressures can take its toll.

One solution for interfaith couples facing opposition from their inner circle is to embrace inclusivity, especially during religious ceremonies such as marriage. Deciding in advance on which aspects of each religion will be involved in a particular ceremony and perhaps involving a religious leader from each partner’s faith can go a long way toward making everyone feel welcome and honored.   

Before Making a Decision to Enter an Interfaith Marriage (or Relationship)

Entering an interfaith marriage or relationship isn’t a decision to take lightly. Before doing so, you should evaluate your ability and level of comfort communicating with your partner and theirs with you. Given the challenges of an interfaith marriage or relationship, your problem-solving skills, which are founded on healthy communication practices, could be tested. So, no matter how much faith you have, being prepared can’t hurt. 

If you feel your and or your partner’s communication skills are limited, take steps to rectify this as soon as you can with a counselor, together and individually. In your sessions, discuss your values around religion, religious beliefs, and practices and how you plan to honor them. Once you do, set specific boundaries with your partner and communicate your expectations to them around these issues. Be sure to listen to your partner’s concerns as well.    

To further help with your objectives, consider enrolling in educational programs as a couple and on your own, in addition to counseling, that can facilitate your interactions further. The classes you enroll in, including workshops and seminars, and the counselors you work with should all focus on interfaith marriages and relationships specifically as interfaith marriages and relationships come with their own unique issues.

Discuss with your partner privately your vision for the near future as well as what you both expect from your relationship down the road. Do the same as you’re seeking professional guidance to gather more objective opinions. Pinpoint existing and potential challenges and discuss how you might resolve them. Have a unified vision for what a future together could look like, including how children (if a consideration) will factor into that future.  

Finally, begin engaging with your respective religious communities as a couple, making sure you find groups that are welcoming to you and your partner and respectful of your relationship. Once you find a place of comfort, solidify your position by building a support system for yourselves as individuals and as a couple within those communities.

Final thoughts …

In any relationship where two people come together as one, differences should be expected and considered the norm. In an interfaith marriage or relationship, that difference just happens to be religion. 

Religion can be a significant difference between partners. However, by demonstrating understanding, mutual respect, and a readiness to compromise, both you and your partner can transform this difference into a strong foundation for your shared life. A life you can both place your faith in.

What Is the Ideal Age Difference for Predicting Relationship Success?

A common question among singles in search of a romantic partner is what age difference is the best predictor of relationship success. According to a 2019 study from the University of Bath, the most common age difference between partners spans only two to three years. Another study published in the National Library of Medicine in 2017 found that marital dissatisfaction increases as age gaps do. But does that mean you should rule out a partner who’s more than two or three years older or younger than you? 

Well, that depends on what you’re looking for in and from a relationship partner and how age could potentially affect a partner’s ability or desire to be the partner you hope they’ll be. Here’s what you should be considering.

Desire to Start a Family

When deciding whether you want to date someone older or younger than you by more than a few years, it’s important to consider what intentions you both have about starting a family or adding to your existing one. Though the decision to become a parent for the first time or thereafter turns on more than age alone, it can be a significant contributing factor to relationship success and one you should consider and discuss with a potential partner early on in your interactions. 

Public Opinion

Just open any tabloid or peruse the internet, and you can be sure to see a commentary on some celebrity’s choice to date someone their junior or senior. Take Cher, for example. She has come under a lot of scrutiny over the years for her dating choices, which typically tend to veer on the young side — by decades. So, too, has Leonardo DiCaprio’s choices and those of couples like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. 

Though you may not be a celebrity who’s in the public eye, there could still be those who see fit to comment on your life choices. Are you up for enduring that?

Financial Stability

Though it’s not a given, with age often comes financial stability. When you’re older, you’ve typically had a chance to establish yourself in your career as opposed to someone who’s young and just starting out. So, if finances are part of the criteria you’re using to make relationship choices, you should evaluate whether a younger partner will satisfy your expectations regarding financial stability. 

Imbalance of Power

Speaking of finances, with money often comes power and the ability to control decision-making in a relationship. Age itself can also be the source of power imbalances in a relationship. Though this doesn’t have to be the case, it’s an issue worth considering as it pertains to your specific choice in a partner. 

Maturity

With age often comes maturity (hopefully). Maturity can mean many different things to many different people, including an understanding of priorities, perspective, and life experience. For some, it can also mean behaving like an old fogy. Though adults of all ages can be mature, maturity can and often is a function of age. Ask what maturity means to you, and go at your own risk.

Common Interests

Dating someone older or younger could mean you both have varying interests, interests that might not be appealing to each other. Having common interests is not solely the determining factor for making a relationship successful, but it can be a place for common ground.

You obviously don’t need to and shouldn’t expect to spend every waking moment of every day with your partner, but it’s nice to have some common interests that will bring you together on a regular basis, such as going to the movies, cooking, or traveling. There needs to be something that draws you together besides attraction. 

Aligned Goals

More important than common interests are aligned goals. Aligned goals are the tie that binds in relationships. Do you both want to live in the same area? Retire around the same time? Become parents? These and other pertinent questions are the ones you need to ask and answer when considering a relationship where there’s a significant age gap. 

Similar Values

People in various age groups can have different values. Think about your parents. Though they might have raised you according to their value system, your life experience has likely given you cause to develop your own. Does the person you’re considering dating share your values? 

Granted, having different values from someone could have nothing to do with age. But the larger the age gap, the more likely you are to display these differences. 

What Growing Old Together Might Look Like

As physically and mentally fit as you might be now, age eventually catches up with all of us. You and your partner might today have similar energy levels, sex drives, and mental capacities, but will that continue, and for how long? 

Though anyone can get sick (and die) at any time, when you’re dating someone much older, the “in sickness” part of “in sickness and in health” can come sooner rather than later. Are you prepared for that?

Final thoughts …

No one can predict relationship success with absolute certainty. However, the above issues can present challenges to relationships with partners who have more than the ideal zero to three years between them. 

Thinking through your decisions won’t keep you from running into issues now or years in the future. But what it can do is give you enough clarity to make a decision one way or the other. Our hearts are worth protecting, and every relationship is a risk. But without risk, there can be no reward. 

Should You Date Someone Who’s Unemployed?

With unemployment rates on the rise, chances are that if you’re single, you’ll come across a dating prospect who’s unemployed and question whether you should date this person. Given how our livelihoods can affect our emotions, self-esteem, and anxiety levels, not to mention our bottom lines, it’s not a stretch to say that a person’s employment status can influence a relationship and its potential.   

That said, the analysis doesn’t have to be so cut and dry when deciding whether it’s worth pursuing a relationship with someone who’s unemployed. In other words, you don’t necessarily have to dismiss this person as undateable because they’re currently out of a job.  

However, you should assess whether this person is worth your time and efforts as they present themselves to you today — unemployed and otherwise. Here are some issues to think about as you formulate your decision.   

Understanding Unemployment 

According to the Bureau of Labor and Statistics, unemployment refers, quite simply, to someone who doesn’t have a job. People with jobs are employed. The labor force is made up of people who are both employed and unemployed. Those who are neither aren’t counted as part of the labor force. Additionally, there’s both temporary unemployment and chronic unemployment, where a person, for whatever reason, demonstrates an inability to hold down a job or secure long(er)-term, more stable forms of employment.   

There are many reasons why someone might be unemployed, which could affect your decision to date them. Those reasons include layoffs, economic conditions such as a recession or depression, automation, AI, outsourcing to foreign countries, and personal choice. The reasons why someone’s unemployed might also impact their attitude. Not only about their unemployment but also about their dateability and if they believe they’re in the right place now to be a good partner.    

Pros of Dating Someone Unemployed 

Though not usually opportune, there can be a few silver linings to starting your relationship with someone who’s unemployed. For starters, they might be more available than they ordinarily would be if they were employed and can be more flexible with their time.  

Given their current situation, this person might also be better able to display empathy toward you should you find yourself in a similar situation one day. Unemployment can be a humbling experience.  

Given the economic challenges that can come with unemployment, including tightening the belt, it could become the inspiration for focusing on those non-material aspects of your relationship. It could also translate to finding more creative, albeit less expensive, ideas for dates.  

Thinking longer term, someone more permanently unemployed might find a caregiving role at home with children more appealing. Such an arrangement, when coordinated by two partners who respect one another and commit to honoring gender equality in the household, can be especially helpful where one partner has a demanding career outside the home.  

Cons of Dating Someone Unemployed 

On the flip side, dating someone who’s unemployed could translate to financial instability, which could, in turn, strain a new relationship. Where there’s an economic imbalance, it could mean that one partner would have to shoulder more of the financial responsibility in the relationship, in which case you would need that person’s buy-in (no pun intended). If the employed partner isn’t willing to shoulder those financial responsibilities, it could limit a couple’s activities, negatively impacting their lifestyle when together.  

The psychological effects can likewise be potentially problematic for those who haven’t chosen to be unemployed. For example, temporary or chronic unemployment can bring about stress, anxiety, and depression, each of which can impact a relationship. Unemployment and its effects can happen at any stage of a relationship, but when a relationship is just beginning, there’s less incentive to ride it out. 

Other Considerations When Contemplating Dating Someone Who’s Unemployed 

There’s an adage in dating: Don’t bank on potential. When dating someone who’s unemployed, you’re essentially doing that, at least where earning potential’s involved. It’s, therefore, best to assess whether this person is actively seeking employment (if that’s their goal), has other plans for spending their time while unemployed, and has long-term ambitions. 

It could be that an individual sees unemployment as an opportunity to explore their creative side and engage in personal development. Due to their track record of working and saving, their finances might afford them those opportunities. This time could very well be something they’ve worked hard to achieve.  

Regardless of what your potential partner wants, it’s your life; therefore, what you want matters more when deciding to date them. If, based on your personal values or socio-economic background, you don’t feel you can be supportive of such a hiatus from gainful employment, then by all means, don’t. But don’t date this person either. Guaranteed, they’ll find someone who will be supportive, and they deserve that, too.  

Tips for Dating Someone Who’s Unemployed 

If you decide to move forward with someone who’s unemployed, it will require your best efforts to apply healthy relational skills to your interactions. So get ready to be open and expect the same from the other person. Discuss finances, plans for the future, and how the two affect each other. 

Be there for each other. Make sure you’re prepared to be supportive, aren’t afraid to be honest, and are comfortable encouraging the person you’re dating to pursue their goals. But do set boundaries for yourself and them; you’re a relationship partner, not a business partner or a coach. There are people for that, and though you can touch on these topics, they shouldn’t form the foundation for why you’re together. That foundation should be mutual like and, if all goes well, love, respect, friendship, and companionship.  

Final thoughts … 

Though dating someone who’s unemployed might not be what you had envisioned, a relationship need not be off the table. However, before embarking on one, you have to decide if the reasons for your potential partner’s unemployment bode well for your future as a couple. If you decide they do, by focusing on communication, understanding, and empathy, as you would in any relationship you value and want to endure, you can more proactively work toward building a future you envision — together.    

What Is Pornography Doing to Your Relationship?

It’s a common belief that single men are the prime viewers of adult content. However, a deeper look reveals that along with single men, married men, those in relationships, and even women (albeit at a different rate) also indulge in it. According to a 2022 survey, about 58 percent of Americans have browsed adult sites during their lifetimes, underscoring pornography’s widespread reach.

While some tout the advantages of adult content, suggesting it can bring spice to one’s intimate life or act as a makeshift guide for sexual exploration, I have my doubts. My 30 years of experience as a matchmaker has often led me to uncover an underlying issue in rocky relationships and marriages — a significant number have been affected negatively by pornography.

This observation prompts questions: Is porn a precursor to marital strife? Does a rocky marriage lead one to seek comfort in porn? Or does a correlation not exist? A 2016 study revealed that diving into adult content within a marital setting could increase the likelihood of divorce, particularly for women. Yet, determining whether marital issues lead to porn or vice versa remains ambiguous.

Without a singular answer, what you’re left with is your gut. Fortunately, your instincts usually guide you well. So, if you feel your partner’s pornography consumption habits are straining your relationship, you’re probably onto something. However, before we delve deeper, let’s define pornography given how much interpretation and controversy there can be around it.

What is pornography?

There’s a lot of debate about what exactly constitutes pornography. Broadly, pornography includes any sexually explicit material, from visuals like films and photos to written content intended for arousal. Its range is vast — from nudity to extreme and violent content. 

At its most malevolent extreme lies child pornography, which is illegal and detestable. Unfortunately, the internet has expanded its reach, with access merely a click away, making its potential implications on relationships and marriages even more distressing.

How can pornography negatively affect romantic relationships?

On a basic level, porn can become a placeholder for live intimate moments. For those not in a relationship, such usage wouldn’t necessarily present a significant issue, as pornography can help combat loneliness and satiate sexual desire, at least temporarily. However, when used as a substitute for intimacy over prolonged periods, pornography can become an easy fix, given how actively seeking a relationship partner requires effort. Indeed, extended dependence on pornography to combat loneliness could increase loneliness over time, loneliness the pornography user initially sought to avoid.  

When used within the confines of committed relationships, pornography could similarly jeopardize the intimacy couples share. One notable feature of adult content that could become problematic for couples is that the characters in porn are usually emotionally detached and reduce sexual acts to pure physical need. Moreover, pornography often objectifies its subjects, particularly women. This dehumanization can erode the emotional aspects of sex that bring couples closer together.

Further, the glamorized portrayal of intimacy in adult content can depict a distorted reality. Its perpetuation of unrealistic standards could make spouses feel inadequate, leading to an erosion of self-esteem. Both men and women can feel pressured to perform certain acts, only to feel despondent when real life doesn’t match up with what they’ve witnessed on the screen.

Finally, regular porn usage could contribute to trust issues in a relationship, where one partner feels betrayed, similar to if their partner was cheating on them. This typically results when one partner turns their focus to someone outside the relationship, even if that person is an actor. The potential for some individuals to develop unhealthy patterns of consumption, including addiction, can further harm a couple’s dynamic.

Positive Effects on Relationships

As stated earlier, views on pornography vary, and not all are negative. Proponents of pornography argue that it can positively affect romantic relationships. 

From this vantage point, pornography can help couples communicate by acting as a vehicle to discuss sexual desires and boundaries. Pornography can likewise become the inspiration for further sexual exploration and education. 

Not to mention, some couples enjoy viewing pornography together. Having yet another shared activity, especially a sexual one, can, according to this camp, increase intimacy for some couples. 

When should your partner’s pornography usage raise a red flag?

An alarming revelation has been that pornography can rewire brain chemistry. A 2013 Cambridge University study showcased that brain patterns of heavy adult content consumers resembled those with addictions, such as to drugs. Alarmingly, another statistic suggests a possible 200,000 Americans might be struggling with porn addiction. If you sense your partner might be addicted to porn, addressing the issue is, therefore, crucial.

In my experience, frequent consumption of pornographic material is often a precursor to relationship or marital issues. Although it might not always be the sole cause of divorce or a breakup, it often features prominently among the catalysts. The research agrees; the same 2016 study referenced above found that ceasing consumption notably reduced the risk of divorce for women, hinting at the potential problems pornography brings to relationships.

How should you address pornography in your relationship?

Maintaining an open dialogue between yourself and your partner is of paramount importance, especially when dealing with a sensitive topic like pornography usage. Your partner might not realize how their consumption is affecting you and your relationship and that they might have an addiction to it. 

Effective communication involves not only sharing your thoughts and feelings on the subject but also actively listening. To this end, strive to address your concerns head-on, set clear boundaries for what’s acceptable and unacceptable to you with regard to porn usage, and seek to understand your partner’s viewpoints and motivations. When you both try to communicate more effectively, it can pave the way to a healthier, more transparent relationship.

If you’re each willing, try to find a middle ground, prioritizing compromise. Doing so lets your partner feel seen and heard. They should do the same for you. By working together, by showing empathy and respect for one another, you can potentially reach a place of understanding and move toward healing as a couple. Should this not be possible, you always have the option to leave.

A therapist can help, particularly one with experience advising couples on how to navigate sexually-based relationship issues. Whether it’s challenges related to pornography consumption habits or other problems with a sexual origin, recognizing the need for help is the first step. Couples therapy, individual therapy, support groups devoted to pornography usage, educational workshops, and addiction counseling can all help to strengthen the bond you share with your partner.

Final thoughts …

If you’re searching for alternatives to enhance intimacy besides pornography, your answer could rest in simply reconnecting with your partner and removing all distractions, including porn. A life without porn allows clearer views of the strengths and weaknesses in your relationship, empowering you and your partner to make informed decisions about your future together. Which can be far sexier than anything — or anyone — that appears on a screen. 

How to Date Confidently with Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction has more than one meaning. According to Planned Parenthood, “Sexual dysfunction is when you have trouble having sex or enjoying sex, AND this bothers you.” Sexual dysfunction, sometimes called sexual disorder, is very common. If you have sexual dysfunction, you’re not alone.   

Because sexual dysfunction is so prevalent, especially with age, it’s likely you’ll meet someone who’s suffering from it, too. This reality makes it ever so important to learn about and understand it, including what it’s like to date when you have sexual dysfunction. Here’s what you need to know. 

An Overview of Sexual Dysfunction

The basis for your understanding of sexual dysfunction should be that it doesn’t define your self-worth or your ability to find and enjoy a fulfilling romantic relationship. Notice I said romantic relationship. That’s because you can have one, even with sexual dysfunction. 

There are different types of sexual dysfunction. These can include low libido, premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and pain during intercourse, among others. The causes can also vary; its roots can be emotional, physical, and psychological.

But regardless of the origin, sexual dysfunction is a medical condition similar to any other and doesn’t reflect on your level of attractiveness or your capacity to make a good partner. The right partner will recognize this. If someone doesn’t, then be happy you saved yourself the time and trouble.    

Developing Self-Confidence Outside of the Bedroom

When dating with sexual dysfunction, try and remember your sexual performance is only part of what will make you attractive to a potential partner. With this understanding, don’t make your sexual dysfunction the focal point of your life. Instead, see your life holistically and continue living it. 

In support of this goal, develop new skills, hobbies, and passions. Focus on the qualities and strengths you possess that make you a good partner. Think honest, trustworthy, funny, smart, a good friend, dependable, and more. Ask yourself: What is it that you can bring to a new relationship?

As part of your esteem-building (and maintenance), find a mental health professional who has experience counseling those with issues relating to sexual dysfunction. In addition, build a support system of friends who can empathize with what you’re going through and provide constructive advice as you move along in your dating journey and life. If no one immediately comes to mind, consider joining a support group for those who have sexual dysfunction.  

How to Disclose Your Sexual Dysfunction in a New Relationship

The question of when to tell someone about a medical condition, be it sexual dysfunction, diabetes, or cancer, is one that plagues a lot of singles. Should you disclose it in your dating profile? On the first date? When you get to know each other? 

I’m a firm believer in the latter. As a cancer survivor myself, who met my husband after I beat cancer, I understand the importance of privacy and developing trust before feeling comfortable disclosing sensitive personal information. You can read more on the subject here.

But when the time does come to disclose your sexual dysfunction to a partner, one you’ve established an emotional connection with, there are ways to approach the topic that will make the conversation easier. 

Communication, Communication, Communication

I cannot stress enough the importance of open and honest communication with potential and current partners. When you feel the time is right and that this is the right person with whom to share your condition, do so in a matter-of-fact way. Explain in a setting where you both feel safe and have a modicum of privacy to speak that you like them and that, at this point in your evolving relationship, there’s something you would like to discuss. 

Once you explain your condition, encourage your partner to express their feelings and ask questions. Be prepared that their initial response might not be one you’re expecting or happy with. People can surprise you in both wonderful and not-so-wonderful ways. Still, this is the reason for your conversation at this juncture — so that you can gauge the future of your relationship, given that your partner now has this new piece of information. 

Be understanding of your partner as well, as the information you’re sharing with them could come as a surprise. Don’t expect too much too soon from them. Your partner will likely need time to process what you’re telling them, so keep your expectations in check. 

Educating Your Partner About Sexual Dysfunction

As someone dating with sexual dysfunction, the burden will be on you to know as much about your condition as you can, including keeping up with medical appointments and changes in your medical status. You should also stay on top of any developments of solutions for your particular sexual dysfunction.

Being someone armed with an arsenal of information, you’ll be in a better position to offer your partner resources to help them understand your condition better. This arsenal of information should include how you can potentially enjoy intimacy together and find alternatives that will satisfy both of you. Be sure to set your boundaries for what those alternatives will be.  

Seek Medical Advice

As stated earlier, it’s important for your health and the health of your relationship to keep up with your sexual dysfunction. So see your doctor regularly for appointments, take any prescribed medications as indicated, and follow a diet consistent with supporting your health. 

Deal promptly with any new ymptoms as they arise and be open to trying therapies, medications, or devices as your doctor presents them to you, as well as suggestions for lifestyle changes. Consider counseling as an individual. Consider couples counseling as well if needed or if you both feel it could provide your relationship with added support.  

Alternative Approaches to Intimacy

Speaking of being open, openness can include your willingness to explore varying types of intimacy besides sexual intercourse. There is an immense value in touch, emotional connection, and other activities during which you can bond. A sex therapist can help you and your partner introduce intimacy practices and exercises into your relationship that don’t include penetrative sex. 

What to Do if Your Partner Wants to Break Up Due to Your Sexual Dysfunction

Not everyone will be up for dating someone with sexual dysfunction, no matter how you approach the topic with them. Better you know now than wasting your precious time. 

If this should happen, don’t worry. As you find yourself back out there, dating with sexual dysfunction, here are a few tips. 

• Keep dating. When one relationship fails, mourn it, and move on. Rejection is part of dating. If a relationship doesn’t work out, remember it could have nothing to do with your sexual dysfunction.  

• Don’t let past experiences get you down.  One relationship shouldn’t set the stage for others. Look at each encounter independently.

• Prioritize self-care. If you’re feeling anxious or depressed, prioritize self-care. If you’re feeling good, do the same. You’re health and well-being, emotional and physical, should always be front and center for you. If you’re not kind to yourself, how can you expect others to be?

• Live your life. If you’re in between relationships, don’t let your search for a partner consume you. Live your life to the fullest. See friends and family and participate in activities that interest you. Be the interesting person you purport to be. 

Final thoughts …

Everyone comes to the dating table with a vast array of experiences, sexual dysfunction being one challenge among countless others people might face in their lives. You, like anyone else, are no less deserving of love. So show yourself the kindness you would another. 

But most of all, remember that by dating smarter, being understanding, and demonstrating a willingness to adapt, you can have a fulfilling dating life and relationship. One in which sexual dysfunction becomes not what keeps a relationship partner from you, but the impetus for them showing you that they, in fact, are the one for you.  

The Aidan Effect: Should You Reconnect With an Ex?

“And just like that, I realized some relationships are meant to stay in the past,” said Carrie Bradshaw, “And some aren’t.” With that, Carrie clicked send on the email she had in her drafts to former love/r Aidan.  

It’s what viewers had been waiting for in the “Sex and the City” revival series, “And Just Like That.” But was it smart for Carrie? Or smart for anyone else looking in the rearview mirror for what could’ve been? 

Perhaps. 

As with any relationship decision, motivation matters when deciding to reconnect with an ex. So, too, do the possible benefits, not to mention the detriments. Which is why it can help to think your decision through before moving forward. Here’s what you should consider.

Your Reasons for Reaching Out to an Ex

There could be one driving reason for reaching out to an ex, but usually, there are numerous that could overlap. The most common are: 

• You’re feeling nostalgic. Whenever you think of this person, you feel all warm and fuzzy. Your relationship was mostly good, or at least that’s how you remember it now. For you, those were the good old days, and you want to feel that way again. The question of the hour, however, is what’s making you feel nostalgic? 

  Check your reasons because if they’re being driven by some inner turmoil, as in your life isn’t going for you exactly as you planned, your nostalgia could be something else in disguise. In which case, you shouldn’t reach out until you figure out what that is. 

• You hear they’re moving on with someone else. You don’t really want this person anymore, at least not forever, but the thought of them with someone else is bothering you. Note: This is not a good reason to reconnect with an ex.

• You need closure. You feel a need to tie up loose ends. Understandable. Just as long as you understand that your ex owes you nothing, including closure. If they decide not to give it to you, remember closure is something you can give yourself. 

• You’re curious. What has your ex been doing all this time? Are they happy? Do you want to share what’s going on in your life? However, if it’s idle curiosity, keep in mind that your ex still might not be receptive to sating your curiosity. 

• You want to reignite a lost spark. So there it is: You think you want them back and would like to explore the possibility. That’s a fine and good reason, but once you’re clear with yourself that this is why you’re reconnecting — what your true intentions are — you need to consider a few other factors in your decision-making before reaching out.

Factors to Consider Before Reaching Out to an Ex

Before reconnecting with an ex, ask yourself the following questions.

• Are you emotionally prepared? When reconnecting with an ex, you need to consider the possibility that they won’t be as excited as you are to interact. You could get a welcome response (just not the warm welcome you were hoping for), a nasty response, or none at all. Are you OK with any and all of the above scenarios?

• Have you thought about boundaries? Reconnecting with an ex sets the stage for a new relationship, platonic or otherwise, which means the boundaries you had before probably won’t apply or stick. Time has gone by. Also, if you had a boundary in place to not have contact, keep in mind that you’ve just violated that boundary by reaching out.

• Is the timing right? Have you thought about the timing of you reaching out, not just for yourself but also for your ex? For example, if you’re about to move clear across the country and your ex currently lives an hour away, is this the best time for you to pop up only to announce you’re leaving? Has your ex recently gotten married? You might want to think twice about potentially disrupting your ex’s happiness.  

How to Approach a Reconnection

If, after considering all of the above, you still want to reach out to your ex, your method for doing so matters. Here are a few suggestions about how to go about it.

• Be honest and forthright. Your ex could very well say to you, “Why are you contacting me?” or “What is it that you want?” Tell them in a straightforward way, giving them one of the reasons discussed above or any other you might have. But when you do …

• Keep your expectations in check. Your ex owes you nothing. You’re exes, after all, and they’ve been living a life up to now that doesn’t include you. It still might not, even after reaching out. 

• Keep in mind that your ex might not remember the past as you do. Perception is reality, and your ex might have a different recollection of your history together than you do. It could make them unreceptive to your communication or want to reopen old wounds.  

• Respect their boundaries and decisions. This includes the possibility they're uninterested in reconnecting. If this happens, move forward and congratulate yourself for being brave enough to try. You did what you could. 

The Benefits of Reconnecting With an Ex

Whether or not your ex is receptive to your attempt to reconnect, there can be numerous benefits for doing so.

• Perspective. After time spent apart, you can gain perspective on past events and see them in a new light.

• Closure. If you can get closure from your ex, good for you. But if you can’t, all hope is not lost. Closure is very much a gift we can give ourselves. 

• Understanding. You can gain understanding of your ex, your former relationship, and most importantly, yourself.

• A fresh start. A second chance to leave the past in the past and start a new relationship from where you are now. 

Potential Downsides and Risks of Reconnecting With an Ex

As with any matter of the heart, there are risks. Risks you must weigh against the benefits. They are:

• Not everyone will be receptive or interested in reconnecting.

• Digging up past memories can lead to emotional upheaval or reopen old wounds.

• There may be unmet expectations or misunderstandings that come from this new interaction.

• The dynamic between you and your ex might have shifted due to the past and the passage of time, meaning things won’t ever be the same.

Final thoughts …

The decision to reconnect with an ex is a complicated one. As for Carrie and Aidan, and whether Carrie should’ve emailed Aidan, her motivations for reaching out feel like they’re on the up and up. She’s mourned the loss of Big. She’s made a couple of legitimate attempts at romance that didn’t pan out, and she doesn’t mean Aidan any harm. 

That said, even though Carrie’s intentions are true, it doesn’t mean reaching out won’t be messy for either of them. Quite poignantly, what Aidan’s reemergence in “And Just Like That” teaches us about revisiting a past relationship is the complexity of emotions that can come with it. 

As time goes by, life can get in the way of even the best intentions. And chemistry, for that matter. Similar to any other healthy relationship that’s built to last, when reconnecting with an ex, compatibility and aligned goals will reign supreme. Which leaves Carrie and Aidan with an even bigger decision to make: Will a future together ever be possible?  

8 Tips for Dating When You Have a Disability

Singles with disabilities can face unique challenges when searching for a partner. This is especially true when utilizing online dating to facilitate their search due to limited writing space on certain platforms and dating apps and an emphasis on photos. The process can feel superficial, frustrating, and, at times, disheartening.

However, it’s important for anyone, including those dating with a disability, to go into the process with a keen sense of self-worth and an understanding that everyone deserves companionship and love. People come in all shapes and sizes with their own challenges, which aren’t always visible. Many people don’t know this about me; I’m hard of hearing and deaf in one ear.

If you’re dating with a disability, there are steps you can take to make your search more efficient, pointed, and likely to get you your desired results. This is what you can do.        

1. Be open and honest about your disability.

Though you won’t necessarily have a lot of room in your dating profile to write about it, you do have enough space to say something. Then there are your pictures. As we all know, pictures can speak a thousand words.

If someone isn’t inclined to date you because of your disability, this gives them the power to swipe left on you without you ever having to know and feel rejected by them. That said, there will be those people who, as described in this New York Times Modern Love essay, will not pay much attention to what’s in your profile. That’s unfortunate, but also, unfortunately, one of the pitfalls of dating.

2. Choose the right online dating site.

Mainstream sites like Match.com and OkCupid are exactly that — mainstream. Everyone and their mother is on there, which can be an advantage by offering you the most opportunities. Mainstream sites can also put you at a disadvantage by offering you too many opportunities. Niche sites, however, present you with matches who, by virtue of them being there, might be more open-minded about meeting you.

There are numerous dating sites devoted to those with a specific disability. A drawback to narrow dating sites, however, is that there’s a more limited pool to choose from. Dateability, however, according to this article in Forbes, doesn’t cater to one type of disability; instead, it’s the shared experience of living with a disability that’s the focus. 

3. Set and enforce your boundaries and advocate for yourself.

Go into dating knowing generally what and who you’re looking for in a match and what your dealbreakers are. Communicate your needs freely and without fear that if you do, someone else won’t like you. If that’s the case, you shouldn’t want them anyway. Express what your specific needs are in terms of accessibility as well before a date to ensure you’re comfortable and safe.

4.  Prioritize your safety at all times.

Speaking of safety, discuss any potential safety concerns you might have with your date before meeting one another and how you both can address those concerns so that you’re safe. As in any new dating situation, let someone know who you’re going to see, when, and where. Always meet somewhere public.

5. Know your worth.

Your disability doesn’t define you. It’s not your identity, and if someone’s treating you like it is, their treatment of you should be an automatic disqualifier. If you’re not feeling good about yourself due to internal issues, think about putting dating on the back burner for a while until you do.

In the meantime, focus on yourself. If you think it could help, consider enlisting the support of a mental health professional along with a dating coach to assist you when the time comes to get back out there. Your therapist should have experience counseling those living with a disability.

6. Seek out communities and support groups.

There are many benefits of connecting with others who share similar experiences. With this in mind, seek out support and interest groups where you’ll have a safe space to discuss issues relating to dating with a disability. Who knows, you could also meet other eligible singles there.

7. Stay positive and be patient.

Dating presents challenges no matter what your experience is, so stay as positive about the process as you can. Having a positive mindset is a wonderful way to attract others who are positive. Remember, it works the other way, too, with negativity attracting negativity.

8. Educate your potential partner about your disability.

Be open to educating a potential partner about your disability. However, what you don’t need to do is entertain rude or intrusive questions. Again, this should be a signal that someone isn’t a match.

Keep in mind that questions are par for the course in dating; it’s how singles learn about each other and form attraction. Which is, after all, the reason for dating in the first place.

When Your Partner's Family Member Wrongs You

Navigating a family feud is tricky under normal circumstances, such as with your own family. Hey, you can’t choose who you’re related to. Now picture this: Your dispute is with your partner’s relative, who has wronged you. 

Needless to say, it can be a delicate situation. So, how should you handle it to protect your relationship while continuing to look out for yourself? Here are some suggestions.

Talk to your partner.  

First and foremost, talk to your partner about the issue. Let them know what you’ve experienced and how you feel as a result. Your partner might not yet know what’s happening, or they might have some insight into their relative’s behavior, given how they know them better. 

When first broaching the topic with your partner, stick to the facts, putting any emotion you have about what’s been going on aside. Consider it a briefing. Then allow your partner some time to process what you’ve just told them because hearing about it could not only be surprising for them, it could also be hurtful and disappointing. 

Make sure you have your partner’s buy-in. 

Throughout this process, it’s critical that your partner supports you — publicly and privately. Each is important. 

In public, you both need to function as a united front. To this end, your partner should make it crystal clear to the family member who has done you wrong and to other family members that while they’re all important, their partner — you — deserves respect, not mistreatment.

In private, your partner likewise needs to demonstrate their support of you because being wronged by someone can be emotionally grueling. Just like during any other difficult time, you should have a partner who’s got your back and is willing to be there for you when you need them most.  

Reach out directly to the person who wronged you. 

If it’s appropriate and you believe it can be productive, contact your partner's relative who wronged you for a civil conversation. For all you know, there might have been a misunderstanding by them, or they’re unaware of how their actions have affected you. 

The discussion could also include your partner but doesn’t have to. Based on their relative’s response, or lack of one, your partner might find it necessary to get involved anyway.

Stay composed. 

As alluded to earlier, keep your emotions in check, beginning with your initial discussion with your partner about their relative wronging you and then all discussions that follow. These should include any conversations you might have directly with said relative or their associates. 

It’s easy to get angry in the moment. No one’s denying that or your right to be angry. However, to get your point across, it’s critical you do so in a calm and collected manner.

Set boundaries.

If your partner’s relative continues to treat you poorly, set boundaries or reinforce your existing ones by reiterating them. You can do so by limiting your interactions with the person who has harmed you or by stipulating, preferably in writing, that certain behaviors they have engaged in are unacceptable, perhaps even illegal. 

Enlist the help of a professional mediator. 

If your attempts to reach a resolution with your partner’s relative remain unsuccessful, you might want to suggest professional mediation. A professional mediator or family therapist can provide a safe space for a candid discussion.

Consider turning the other cheek. 

If all your attempts to resolve the situation at hand fail, and you still find yourself harmed, you might want to consider turning the other cheek. Ask yourself: What have I lost, and is fighting for it worth all of the aggravation doing so might cause?

At the end of the day, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior, only your own. Indeed, you might fight and fight for what you believe in and what might very well be right and still come out as the loser. If you have a pulse, then you know there are never any guarantees when it comes to righting wrongs.

It’s a personal decision whether you want to let the situation be. It’s also a decision you must live with, so ask yourself earnestly if you believe you can. You might think so at first, then change your mind. Just clarify that you won’t relinquish any legal rights you have by waiting.

What turning the other cheek does not mean is that you have to tolerate mistreatment from anyone else, including your partner’s relative. Self-care could equate to you distancing yourself emotionally and physically from that person after letting things go. 

Final thoughts …

Situations where your partner’s relative does wrong by you can take a long time to resolve and might test you in ways you’ve never been tested before. Bowing out is one way to preserve your emotional health while keeping the peace in your relationship with your partner and protecting your and your partner’s relationship with the rest of the family. 

That said, the little voice in your head might tell you that righting a wrong, or in extreme cases, seeking justice legally is, in fact, the right path for you, in which case you should explore this option without guilt. Though doing so might cause a stir between your partner and your partner’s family or create tension between the two of you, you shouldn’t have to suffer due to someone else’s bad behavior. No one truly acting in your best interest would ever expect you to.

Love on the Run: Facing Avoidant Behavior in Relationships

Avoidant behavior in relationships describes regular interactions characterized by a desire to avoid intimacy and close emotional connections. The root is often a fear of becoming dependent on someone else and a deep need to maintain independence and a sense of personal autonomy. 

People who are avoidant often find it difficult to express their feelings. They tend to avoid making long-term commitments and downplay the importance of relationships. As a result, they may come off as indifferent or emotionally distant.  

Avoidant behavior is typical in those with an avoidant attachment style, one of the four attachment styles. The other three are secure, anxious, and disorganized.

Those who exhibit an avoidant attachment relationship style can usually turn to their childhood to pinpoint why. They might have been raised by unreliable caregivers or caregivers who rejected them in some way, leading them to eventually believe that they can’t rely on anyone but themselves for emotional support.  

Understanding and facing avoidant behavior can help you form stronger relationships. It can also help you decide if a particular relationship is worth saving. Here’s what you need to know.

How can avoidant attachment style can affect adult romantic relationships? 

Avoidant behavior can present challenges for both relationship partners in different ways. For example, the avoidant partner might want to form a deep connection with their partner but find they cannot. 

In turn, the non-avoidant relationship partner can feel rejected or think they are not their partner’s priority. The inevitable result is that both partners find the relationship dissatisfying, and conflict can become problematic. Fortunately, therapy can help with this dynamic. 

How can a non-avoidant partner address their partner’s avoidant behavior with them?

In addition to seeking the help of a mental health professional with experience counseling those with an avoidant attachment style and their non-avoidant partners, there are other ways to deal with avoidant behavior in relationships. Here’s what you can do.

Communicate with your partner clearly and directly.

That said, don’t be confrontational when expressing your feelings and needs to your avoidant partner. Always use “I” statements instead of “you” so you don’t sound like you’re accusing or blaming them. 

As an exercise, read the following observations out loud and listen to the difference: “I feel sad when we don’t speak during the workday” versus “When you don’t call me from work, it makes me feel sad.” Which do you think sounds less confrontational?

Encourage your partner to express themselves.  

Avoidants generally have trouble expressing their emotions, even to those closest to them, such as a relationship partner or spouse. To put your partner more at ease, encourage them to share how they feel with you, whether during a conflict or during peaceful moments, reinforcing that being vulnerable with a partner is not a sign of weakness but a natural part of a healthy relationship. 

Be patient and understanding with your avoidant partner. 

Change won’t happen overnight, so be patient and understanding with your partner as you work together on improving your relationship. A step toward doing so is to learn why your partner might be avoidant in the first place. 

Is it because of a particular trauma or experience? A pattern your partner learned due to their relationship during childhood with a parent? The more you uncover together, and the more empathy, patience, and understanding you demonstrate, the more likely your partner will feel confident and secure in the relationship as time progresses. 

Establish boundaries. 

A cornerstone of a healthy relationship is the existence and enforcement of boundaries. This statement is particularly applicable to relationships with an avoidant partner, so don’t be afraid to set boundaries for which behaviors you find comfortable and which you don’t. Remember, boundary setting in a relationship isn’t only for your benefit; it also exists for your partner. With this in mind, remember to … 

Respect your partner’s need for space. 

Everybody desires space, sometimes more so when you have an avoidant-type personality. To that end, refrain from pushing your partner too hard about being communicative or spending time together. 

You’re in a relationship, not joined at the hip, and the last thing you want to do is push your partner further away. Neediness in a relationship can be a turnoff. 

Practice self-care.

Being a supportive partner is commendable, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own health and well-being. If you feel strained due to your partner’s avoidant attachment style, seek out the support of family, friends, and, perhaps, a mental health professional to frequent individually. At the same time, maintain and cultivate interests and hobbies all your own.  

What should you do if you are the avoidant partner in your relationship?

If you suspect that you are the avoidant partner in your relationship, congratulations. You’re now one step closer to bettering your existing situation. Recognize that there is support for you, as a couple and solo. 

Talk to your partner about how you think you might be exhibiting avoidant tendencies, and if your partner is willing, take them on this journey of self-discovery with you. It may just be that the avoidant behavior that has been keeping you apart will ultimately be what brings you closer together.  

Love and Loans: Should You Lend Your Partner Money?

Deciding whether to lend money to your partner is a highly personal decision that should not be made without thoughtful consideration. Although your inclination might be to say yes to the person you love and care about, saying no might actually be the right answer for you and possibly for them. Here’s what you should consider in your decision-making.

1. Why your partner needs the money. 

Though you might feel uncomfortable asking your partner (or anyone for that matter) why they need to borrow money from you, you have a right to know. Ask questions, and more than one of them at that. 

Remember in “Dirty Dancing” how Baby’s dad, Dr. Houseman, didn’t press too hard when she asked him for a loan for a reason she didn’t want to disclose, which was actually to subsidize an abortion for Johnny’s dance partner, Penny? He only asked, “It’s not illegal, is it?” Spoiler: It was. Not to mention Penny could’ve died if Baby hadn’t come and gotten him when she wasn’t doing well afterward. 

Recall how upset Dr. Houseman was at his daughter for not telling the truth. Perhaps he should’ve questioned her more before agreeing.    

2. When your partner will pay you back. 

If after your partner discloses their reason for asking for a loan, and you believe them (more about trust below), ask for the terms of the loan, i.e., when and how they will pay you back and what will happen if they don’t hold up their part of the agreement. 

As you listen to your partner’s answers, consider how much weight your partner’s words carry with you. Can you rely on what they’re saying?

3. Whether you trust your partner to pay you back. 

Healthy relationships are premised on mutual trust. That said, you don’t need to trust blindly. With this in mind, it might serve you to put your agreement in writing.

Not the most romantic of gestures, a written agreement, just like a prenup, can still be romantic, as it demonstrates that you want to avoid a potentially damaging situation and that you respect one another. You: “I’ve got your back (but not at my own expense).” Them: “I want you to feel comfortable.”

4. Your partner’s track record with money.

Have you seen your partner in action before where money is concerned? Do they pay their bills on time? Are they organized? Trustworthy? Do they have other loans? Have they defaulted on a loan before, to your knowledge? 

History is usually a pretty reliable predictor of the future. If your partner’s track record with money leaves something to be desired, you might want to use it as a reason not to loan them money. Also keep in mind that there’s a first time for everything and that your partner’s first time not paying someone back could be with you.     

5. Your own financial situation. 

You support your partner’s reason for asking you for a loan. You believe and trust them that they’ll pay you back. They agree to put your arrangement in writing. But, and it’s a big but, you aren’t in the financial position to lend your partner the money without jeopardizing your financial health. 

Should this be the case, don’t be afraid to say no and explain why. If your partner doesn’t respect your current situation, consider yourself lucky you know now.   

6. Advice from professionals. 

Don’t take my word for it. Or your dear Aunt Sally’s. Ask a lawyer and a financial advisor whether it’s in your best interest to loan your partner money and what would be the best way to go about it to avoid any consequences, such as penalties for early withdrawal on certain accounts or tax implications.

Securing professional advice is particularly relevant when dealing with a large sum of money. Or a large sum relative to your financial position.  

7. How loaning your partner money might negatively affect your relationship’s dynamic. 

It’s no secret that money issues can strain relationships. Debt, financial infidelity, and whether one partner earns more than the other can factor into relationship satisfaction. 

Again, if you foresee an issue arising from your partner owing you money, such as them not wanting to or being able to pay you back, you anticipate becoming resentful as time passes, or you resent your partner just for asking, you should seriously consider not lending them the money.

Final thoughts …

With so much to consider and the potential for problems, it’s pretty safe to say that love and loans don’t always go well together and can make a good situation bad and a bad situation worse. Therefore, avoid becoming a lender to your relationship partner if you can.   

Should you decide to loan your partner money, understand the sensitivities involved, logistic and personal, and take extra care to see that the loan doesn’t drive a wedge between you. With the right amount of attention to your partner and your partner to you, you can very well preserve your relationship, perhaps making it stronger, even when a loan is involved. Which would be by far the best return on your money  

7 Ways to Master Conflict Resolution in Your Relationship

In every relationship, there comes a time when we have a difference of opinion or someone makes a mistake, which is inevitable because we’re all human and flawed. As a result, the art of conflict resolution is a critical skill we must master to maintain a healthy and successful partnership. With this in mind, below are seven ways to master conflict resolution in your relationship for a happier partnership.

1. Engage in effective communication practices.

Whether your argument started over text, you used words that could be misconstrued, or you talked to someone outside your relationship about your conflict instead of your partner, thereby violating trust, it’s very likely a communication breakdown has contributed to it, even exacerbated it. Or perhaps you didn’t talk about your conflict at all and let it fester, negatively affecting your relationship in other ways. 

Regardless of the circumstances leading up to the conflict, it’s critical to establish open and honest communication as the foundation for your relationship. You can promote healthy communication practices in your relationship by actively listening to better understand your partner’s perspective and feelings before responding. Be sure to use “I” versus “you” statements to avoid making your partner feel as if they’re being attacked or accused.

2. Choose the right time and place to have important discussions.

An overlooked aspect of conflict resolution is timing. If tensions are running high and you haven’t had time to process your argument thoroughly, it’s unlikely you will have a productive conversation. Instead, wait until you’re in a more neutral and calm setting to attempt to resolve your conflict. Also, remember that you won’t typically be able to resolve your conflict quickly. It usually takes some time and effort.

When you do choose to resolve your conflict, be sure to allow yourself ample time to talk issues through. Don’t attempt conflict resolution when you or your partner are hurrying to get somewhere or feeling tired or stressed.

3. Keep your emotions in check.

When working toward conflict resolution, be sure to manage your emotions. In the heat of the moment, we can be dramatic or make nasty remarks intended to hurt our partner. These actions can only worsen an existing conflict, potentially creating a new one. Therefore, resist the urge to be impulsive and say whatever comes to mind. Likewise, avoid becoming defensive or aggressive or gaslighting your partner. 

Pro tip: Take deep breaths or count to 10 to calm down, or, if necessary, take short breaks by leaving the room to compose yourself further. 

4. Be empathetic. 

We experience the world from our own perspective with a given set of facts, assumptions, and beliefs. Because of this, we might believe that other people operate using the same paradigms as we do. This isn’t actually the case. 

Everyone leads a unique life and has individual experiences that impart knowledge to them about the world. So instead of assuming your partner’s perspective is wrong and yours is right, strive to understand why they think the way they do. Then do your best to empathize. 

When you can empathize, you can better see a situation holistically and what elements are important to you and what are not. In this way, you can make specific concessions, demonstrating to your partner that you see them. Feeling seen can go a long way toward alleviating tension.  

5. Find common ground.

Ask yourself what your partner’s motive might be in your conflict. Recategorize your conflict as one that’s not an “us versus them” situation but one where you and your partner are working as a team with the united goal of preserving your relationship. Next, ask yourself why you love your partner. 

Remind each other of your love and desire to build the strongest possible relationship for yourselves, which means working together to identify areas where you can each improve. Remember, the big picture isn’t necessarily about winning this particular argument but focusing on the long-term betterment of your relationship.

6. Practice forgiveness.

Problem-solving isn’t just about finding practical solutions; it’s also about addressing hurt feelings. Sometimes, we make mistakes and say or do the wrong things because we behaved insensitively and not because of any malicious intent. 

For conflict resolution, learn to forgive and let go of past grievances. When you hold a grudge, it becomes harder to resolve conflicts, which can further damage your relationship. When you practice forgiveness, on the other hand, you and your partner can move forward and begin rebuilding trust.

7. Actively problem-solve.

After identifying the conflict, the question becomes how to fix it. Beyond saying, “I’ll be better,” what practical steps can you and your partner implement to not only resolve your conflict but keep another one from starting? 

This is where compromise comes into play. Collaboratively brainstorm potential solutions to your problem and evaluate them objectively on the grounds of how effectively they would resolve your conflict in the short term, as well as how sustainable those solutions will be over time. Be as flexible as you can.

Final thoughts …

If you and your partner find you still cannot come up with a solution for your conflict, or you do come up with a solution but discover that your problem has still not been resolved, it might be time for you to consider professional help. Help can come from an individual therapist and/or marriage or relationship counselor. 

Such professionals can provide guidance and tools to improve your conflict resolution skills, so you can go on to enjoy a relationship free of your existing conflict and have the wherewithal to resolve new ones that will inevitably arise. All the while understanding that the best relationships aren’t conflict-free but free of unhealthy patterns for conflict resolution.

Bridging the Gap: 10 Ingredients for a Happy and Healthy Long-Distance Relationship

Maintaining a happy and healthy long-distance relationship can feel like an arduous task, if not an impossible one. The physical distance, lack of regular face-to-face interaction, and limited opportunities for shared in-person experiences can test anyone’s patience. 

That said, couples can bridge the gap with the right approach and a positive attitude. If you are currently in a long-distance relationship or considering entering one, here are 10 ingredients for making yours happy and healthy.

1. Adopt an open, honest, and direct communication style. 

Communication serves as the cornerstone of any healthy relationship. But this is especially true when you are involved in a long-distance relationship. To keep your connection strong, you need to pay particularly close attention to each other’s needs, desires, and concerns since you are not physically together as often as you typically would be. 

Doing so requires a commitment to communicating openly, honestly, and directly and becoming an intent listener. Each of these communication styles is necessary. Once you have a working knowledge of how to engage with your partner in a long-distance relationship, you will both have a safe space to be vulnerable, which will, in turn, promote intimacy and bring you closer together. 

2. Communicate regularly. 

Establish a communication routine that works for you and your partner. You can accomplish this with a combination of daily phone calls and video chats and by sending photos, memes, reels, texts, and voice messages throughout the day.

If you are living in different time zones, this level of attention to communication can take some getting used to. But with a bit of creativity, you can find ways to stay in contact regularly.  

3. Trust and be transparent. 

Like communication, trust is integral to a successful relationship, and it becomes even more crucial in a long-distance relationship. Building and maintaining trust requires you and your partner to be reliable, transparent, and reassuring.

To that end, stay open and transparent with each other about your lives, daily experiences, and challenges. Share your thoughts, aspirations, and even your fears. However …

4. Get a handle on jealousy.

Jealousy can quickly arise in a long-distance relationship due to the lack of physical proximity and insecurities you each may have about the situation. The best course of action is to confront jealousy head-on. 

An effective way to do this is to establish boundaries and guidelines from the beginning of your long-distance arrangement that promote trust and security. These can vary from relationship to relationship but can include not spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex or putting yourself in compromising situations that could cause your partner to suspect you are cheating even if you are not.

5. Plan quality time and shared experiences.

While physical distance may limit in-person interactions, finding creative ways to spend quality time together and create shared experiences is helpful. Shared experiences can include weekend getaways in each of your locations or a new destination you both agree on or planning a more extended vacation, even a summer.

While in each other’s company, create new memories by participating in activities you both enjoy. Cook together, try new restaurants or introduce your partner to your favorites, and get to know each other’s locales by sightseeing together. Not only will you enjoy the time you spend with one another, but you will also create memories to cherish while you are apart.   

6. Set up virtual dates when you cannot be together. 

Plan virtual dates where you can engage in activities as a couple. Some ideas are to watch a movie simultaneously, cook a meal over video chat, or play online games. Just like in-person activities, virtual ones can be meaningful and memorable. 

7. Demonstrate your commitment to the relationship by being reliable.

Speaking of planned activities, virtual and in-person, remember to demonstrate that you are committed to the relationship by being a reliable partner. Being a reliable partner includes following through on promises you make, acting dependably, and honoring your commitments. So if you say it, do it.  

8. Surprise your partners with thoughtful gestures. 

Surprise your partner with thoughtful gestures that show you love and care for them. This could include sending surprise gifts, writing handwritten letters and notes, or planning spontaneous visits whenever possible. Unexpected gestures help keep the romance alive and can go a long way toward making your partner feel cherished and valued.

9. Continue engaging in self-care and personal growth.

Physical distance also provides an opportunity to concentrate on your personal growth and self-improvement. Pursuing individual goals, acquiring new skills, or engaging in other personal development activities offers dual benefits; it enhances your individuality while infusing the relationship with fresh experiences and perspectives. More to talk about when you are together and when you are not!

Also, focusing on your emotional, physical, and mental health enables you to contribute your best self to the relationship. Consider activities like working out, hobbies, meditation, or social interactions for your self-care regimen, and encourage your partner to do the same.

10. Have shared goals and plans for the future. 

Having shared goals and a vision for the future — an endgame — helps couples in long-distance relationships maintain a sense of purpose and direction, personally and as a couple. Moreover, planning for a shared future creates a sense of anticipation and provides something to look forward to.

Don’t hesitate to engage in conversations about the future, including potential timelines for closing the distance, relocating, or making travel plans. Discuss and align your goals with your partner's. Then, find common ground and explore ways to support each other in achieving those goals.

Final thoughts …

Maintaining a happy and healthy long-distance relationship requires effort, commitment, and focus. Although physical distance presents its unique challenges, embracing the above strategies can allow you to traverse the miles with grace and ease, strengthen your existing connection, and create a fulfilling and satisfying long-distance relationship for you and your partner.

Remember, love knows no boundaries when there is dedication, open communication, and a shared vision for the future. When handled with intention, care, and respect, (physical) absence, as the saying goes, can make the heart grow fonder. 

Why Neediness Is a Turn-Off in a Romantic Relationship and What You Can Do About It

Every person in a romantic relationship has needs. These can include a need for open communication, intimacy, sex, and more. However, when one person’s needs in a relationship become overbearing to the other person, it can turn into what’s commonly described as neediness. Neediness is usually considered a negative quality in any close personal relationship, particularly romantic relationships.

While it’s natural to want and need emotional support from a romantic partner, excessive neediness — the desire for constant attention, validation, and reassurance from one’s partner — can have a negative impact on the relationship. Here’s why and what you can do about it.

Reasons neediness turns off romantic partners.

There are numerous reasons why neediness from one partner can turn off the other. Having a better understanding of why a partner may feel uncomfortable when on the receiving end of certain behaviors can serve as the driving force for making positive changes in behavior. The reasons include the following:  

• Lack of confidence. Neediness can be a sign of low self-esteem and a lack of confidence, which can be unattractive to some people and, as a result, have a negative impact on the relationship. More specifically, a needy partner may overly rely on their partner for their self-worth and validation. In a healthy relationship, both partners should have a strong sense of self and be able to stand on their own two feet. 

• Loss of independence. Neediness can make the other person in a relationship feel like they’re losing their independence. They may begin to feel suffocated as a result. This can lead to resentment and a desire to distance themselves from the needy partner. In some cases, this may even lead to the other partner ending the relationship entirely.

• Imbalance of power. A needy partner can create an imbalance of power in the relationship, where one person always gives while the other takes. For example, the needy partner may require constant attention and reassurance. This can create an unsustainable dynamic, leading to the other partner feeling emotionally drained and resentful to the point where they may want to break up. In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel equal in the daily give-and-take, whether it be emotional support and attention or anything else. 

• Pressure and unreasonable demands. Similar to the imbalance of power neediness creates in a relationship, a needy partner can also place pressure and unreasonable demands on the other person to constantly provide emotional support and attention. For example, a needy person may have unrealistic expectations of their partner, expecting them to always be available and attentive. This can be overwhelming to the non-needy partner and cause them to feel frustrated and exhausted since they can never do enough to meet the needy partner’s needs. The constant pressure and demands placed on the other partner can create a toxic dynamic, thereby compromising the relationship.

• Violation of boundaries. Being too needy can lead to the violation of personal boundaries, which is a major turn-off for some people, causing the non-needy partner to pull back. When one partner is overly needy, they may ignore or disregard the other partner’s need for space or time alone, which everyone in a relationship should have. 

Ways to avoid being needy in a relationship.

Avoiding neediness in a relationship requires work in a few areas. The goal should be to create a healthy and fulfilling relationship built on mutual respect and trust. Here are a few ideas for getting started:

• Communicate openly and honestly. Effective communication is critical in any relationship. To that end, be clear about your needs and feelings, but also be willing to listen to your partner. Avoid placing unrealistic expectations on your partner, and work together to find a healthy balance.

• Increase self-confidence. One of the best ways to avoid being needy is to work on building your self-confidence. Focus on your strengths and what you have to offer in the relationship. Remind yourself of your positive qualities, and learn to appreciate yourself.

• Practice self-care. I can’t say this enough, so I’ll say it again: Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally is essential to avoiding neediness. To that end, make time for exercise, relaxation, and self-reflection. See friends and family regularly.

• Pursue your passions. Having your own interests and hobbies can help you feel fulfilled and independent. It can also give your partner some space and time to pursue their own interests, too. What does this look like in real terms? Dedicate time to work and pursue a career you love. Engage in activities and hobbies that make you happy and fulfilled.

• Respect your partner’s boundaries. It’s important to respect your partner’s need for space and time alone. To avoid being too demanding or clingy, give your partner the freedom to pursue their own interests and friendships.

• Build a strong support system. Having friends and family to rely on can help you avoid being too dependent on your partner while giving you a source of emotional support outside of the relationship. If you lack in this area, do more to expand your network. Remember, friends are the family you choose.

Final thoughts …

While it’s natural to want and need emotional support from a romantic partner, it’s essential for the health and longevity of any romantic relationship to strike a balance between being supportive and giving the other person space to grow independently. Whether two partners will continue to grow together, no one can predict. But what can be is that neediness does more harm than good. 

Should Women Downplay Their Success to Make Themselves More Desirable to Men?

Many women are still asking whether or not they should downplay their success to make themselves more desirable to potential partners. Despite great strides in achieving gender equality over the past several decades, the construct that posits men as superior and women as subordinate persists. As a result, this question pops up time after time, often giving rise to much debate, even though it is ultimately harmful.

Although these patriarchal ideas cause social and personal harm, some women still consider minimizing their professional accomplishments appealing and less threatening to (potential) partners. However, in the long run, this is detrimental to the long-term success of a relationship and to the material well-being of the woman downplaying her success. But to curtail this type of behavior, it is first necessary to understand why women engage in it in the first place. 

Fear of Intimidating Potential Partners

Many women may fear that their success could intimidate potential partners. A 2013 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that men could feel threatened by successful women, especially if their achievements surpassed their own. More specifically, women’s success made their male relationship partners feel worse about themselves. Despite equal success, their partners’ relative success made them think they had failed. Women, on the other hand, remained unaffected by their partners’ successes or failures.

In a 2017 study published in the American Economic Review, researchers found that women downplayed achievements and goals when observed by peers, specifically by single male peers. The women in the study perceived moves and goals that would better their careers as worsening their relationship prospects and, as such, didn’t engage in behavior they perceived would make them appear less desirable.

These findings should not serve as a prescription for women’s actions. It’s important to remember that a relationship built on mutual respect and equality is far healthier and more fulfilling than one built on fear. Fear of intimidating a potential partner might make a woman downplay her success. Still, such behavior could lead to resentment and inauthenticity over time, resulting in an unhealthy relationship and a poor self-image for the woman.

Societal Pressure and Stereotypes

Societal pressures and stereotypes communicate to women to be or act less successful than their partner to be the “ideal woman.” The ideal woman is passive, submissive, and non-threatening to her partner’s success. This stereotype can pressure women to downplay their achievements, making them believe they need to do so to get a partner.

Even though some aspects of machismo can be “positive,” such as the idea that women should be cherished by their men, when taken too far, it can become a form of benevolent sexism, implying that women need help or protection and lack the ability to be independent or successful on their own. Embedded in this stereotype is the idea that women should not be high-achievers and that their success is less important than their partner’s.

This attitude can negatively impact a woman’s perception of the relationship she’s in with a man and negatively affects her sense of self. A 2014 study in Psychology of Women Quarterly found that when women endorsed benevolent sexism, they were less likely to be satisfied with or hold positive attitudes toward their marriage.

It is, therefore, crucial for women to challenge the idea that they cannot be the driver of their success. Instead, women should pursue relationships and partners that support their accomplishments, not minimize or ignore them.

Catering to Male Ego and Traditional Gender Roles

The assumption that men’s egos cannot handle successful women is still prevalent, pushing some women to understate their achievements. This assumption, in turn, continues to put men in a position of superiority and prioritizes their feelings over those of women in relationships. Though it should go without saying, it bears repeating: Male ego should not be the priority at the expense of women’s self-esteem and professional success. 

Though the 2013 study mentioned earlier did find that men had lower rates of self-esteem when their partner was as or more successful as they were, their satisfaction with the relationship was higher when their wives or girlfriends were more successful. In other words, a relationship or marriage is healthier when women don’t downplay their accomplishments; men’s self-esteem does not hinder the overall health of the relationship or the women’s success.

Another issue; society has traditionally characterized men as breadwinners. As a result, their egos might be hurt when they aren’t the sole breadwinner in their relationship. A 2016 study in the American Sociological Review found that while there has been a decrease in viewing women as homemakers, the ideology that imagines men as breadwinners continues to persist. 

The good news is that women’s work or financial independence does not predict divorce. But a man’s unemployment does. So once again, it is clear that the issue is not women’s success alone but the problem of the male ego coupled with the idea that men should be breadwinners. This societal norm in a marriage can ultimately lead to lower marital satisfaction and higher divorce rates.

Final thoughts …

Modern relationships thrive on equality and mutual respect. Consequently, if traditional gender roles are kept alive in the marriage to try and keep the male ego afloat, the relationship will likely suffer. 

Downplaying one’s achievements should never be a strategy to attract a partner. Women have made enormous strides in their professional lives, and their success should be a source of pride, not embarrassment. The best relationships are those in which partners celebrate each other’s success, support each other’s ambitions, and work together to build a shared life.

Because marriage is a partnership, having two successful partners strengthens a relationship. Therefore, women looking for a partner should not ask whether or not they should downplay their success to be desirable to men. Rather, they should pursue relationships with men who respect and celebrate women’s success as much as women respect their own and that of the men they choose to be with and love.

How to Handle Your Partner’s Jealousy in a Relationship

Jealousy in a relationship is a complex and often intense emotional response that arises for a variety of reasons. It can occur because one partner perceives a threat to the relationship, feels insecure about their partner’s attention or affection, fears losing the person they love, or suffers from an intrinsic sense of inadequacy when comparing themselves to the person they are jealous of. Jealousy can also be triggered by instances of micro-cheating, spending time with family and friends, a successful career, past experiences of betrayal, low self-esteem, and attachment style.

A small amount of jealousy in a relationship is healthy, as the non-jealous partner can take it as a sign of caring. Jealousy is a natural human emotion. It can arise in any relationship, whether you have gone on one date or been together for 60 years. It can manifest in various ways, such as suspicion, possessiveness, insecurity, and anger. However, an excessive amount of jealousy, or irrational jealousy, can be detrimental to a relationship, as it can harm the health and well-being of both partners in a relationship.

If your partner is always jealous, addressing the issues causing their behavior is critical to maintaining the health of your relationship or deciding to leave. Below are several steps you can take to address your partner’s jealousy in your relationship.

Acknowledge your partner’s feelings.

From your perspective, it might seem like your partner’s jealousy is completely unfounded and irrational because you know yourself to be trustworthy and believe there is nothing for them to worry about. However, it is important to understand that jealousy is a real emotional response. Not only that, your partner could be experiencing it for justifiable reasons, ones you might not have even recognized as triggers.

For example, your partner could be jealous because they perceive that you are attracted to one of your friends or that one of your friends is attracted to you, despite you not even noticing or their perceptions being unfounded. Your partner could be struggling with insecurity that has nothing to do with you or the way you conduct yourself in platonic relationships and more to do with them and their history. Or perhaps you have cheated or otherwise violated their boundaries in the past, and because of that, your partner has good reason to be suspicious.

Regardless of the reason underlying your partner’s jealousy, it is important that you acknowledge their feelings. They are real to them.

Engage in open and honest communication.

You can never fully understand your partner’s feelings without an open and honest conversation. While jealousy can be an awkward or difficult conversation topic, if it is creating issues in your relationship, then a conversation is necessary.

To set the stage, create a safe space for open dialogue where both partners can express their fears and insecurities without judgment. Encourage your partner to communicate their feelings with you by practicing active listening. To ensure a safe space, avoid becoming defensive or dismissive of their feelings. If you fear for your physical safety, schedule the conversation to take place in a public place.

Offer your partner reassurance and validation.

Now that you have heard and listened to your partner’s concerns, the next step is to reassure them that you deeply care about them, that their needs are important to you, and their fears are unfounded. You tell them (and mean it) that you love and are loyal and committed to them.

You let them know you appreciate that they came forward, opening their heart to you to have that difficult conversation. Finally, you emphasize the importance of trust in a healthy relationship and offer them the same.

Set healthy boundaries.

Next, you and your partner require a game plan. To that end, clearly define and communicate what the boundaries are and will continue to be in your relationship. Which behaviors are acceptable? Which ones are not? Once you reach an agreement, you and your partner should both feel safer and more secure in your relationship.

However, be careful to balance your partner’s needs with your own. For instance, if your partner is jealous of a particular friendship you have and forbids you from talking to anyone of that gender or otherwise isolates you from the rest of your friends, then communicate that such a boundary is unhealthy. Or, if your partner wants your location at all times to ensure you are not cheating and you have no history of infidelity, communicate that this type of demand violates your boundaries.

Build trust.

A common source of jealousy in a relationship is insecurity and a lack of trust. Therefore, it is important for your relationship to take measures to strengthen trust in your relationship, like demonstrating consistency, reliability, and honesty. Furthermore, take care to avoid certain activities that could make your partner jealous, such as flirting with other people, being secretive about your whereabouts, or engaging in other activities that aren’t quite cheating but could be seen as violating healthy boundaries in a relationship (i.e., sparking or continuing to engage in a deep emotionally intimate friendship with someone of the opposite gender).

Encourage personal growth and high self-esteem.

If your partner is experiencing jealousy due to their own self-esteem, as their partner, you can help them by working on their sense of self-worth. Encourage them to pursue personal interests, hobbies, and other activities to boost their confidence, such as eating well, getting enough sleep, and hitting the gym.

Urge them to have their own support system outside of your relationship. They should cultivate a network of friends so they are not entirely dependent on you for plans. When their life feels more balanced and fulfilled, they are less likely to feel jealous.

Seek professional help if needed.

If your partner’s jealousy becomes excessive, uncontrollable, or begins to harm your relationship, you might need to seek, as a couple and individually, the assistance of a mental health professional, such as a therapist or relationship coach, to help you and your partner work through the jealousy and those issues giving rise to it. A mental health professional would evaluate the relationship from an objective, third-party perspective and offer additional insight into how to manage jealousy and improve communication in your relationship.

Like handling most other issues in a relationship, managing jealousy should be a team effort. Both partners must be willing to work on themselves and the relationship. Your best bet is to address the issue of jealousy early on before it gets out of hand and goes on to cause further hardship in your relationship and harm to you individually and as a couple.

Why Did My Ex Block Me on Social Media?

When you first connect with the person you’re dating on social media, you don’t typically think about what you’ll do about your digital connections should you break up. But it can be a genuine concern if you and your partner eventually go your separate ways. More than that, you each might have different opinions on the subject of whether to disconnect with someone you’re no longer dating — right after the breakup and as time passes. 

In an effort to look cool or mature, you might decide to let your social media connections be. Or agree to stay friends and keep in touch, which would implicitly include staying connected on social media. But then, one day, lo and behold, you find yourself blocked and can’t help but wonder why. After all, you (probably) didn’t do anything to provoke them. So what gives? 

Below are possible reasons your ex suddenly blocked you on social media and maybe elsewhere, too. And what you should (or shouldn’t) do about it.

Your ex wants distance. 

Even if you’re not actively reaching out to your ex, social media algorithms can make it so that your face will regularly pop up in your ex’s feed. Even if they’re not actively seeking your profile out, their day can be derailed every time you post photos. 

Seeing what you’re up to on social media might make them uncomfortable, potentially awakening old feelings they once had. Or cause them to have the heebie-jeebies. They might have needed to take matters into their own hands by blocking you.

Your ex is trying to move on.

Even if you’re not regularly posting on social media, your ex might still be stalking your page — checking regularly to see if you’re online, who’s following you, or what else you’re up to. They might not want to know what’s happening in your life and could be struggling with the temptation to check your page and keep tabs on you. 

Eventually, they might decide that enough is enough, and it’s time for them to move on. So they block you to prevent themselves from checking up on you.

Your ex doesn’t want to see you enjoying life without them.

When going through a breakup after a relationship, some people like to think they’re so unique that it would be impossible for their former partner’s life to go on without them. However, that’s not true. The sun rises the next day after a breakup, and eventually, everyone moves on (hopefully). 

The idea is to regroup following a breakup and come to enjoy life without your ex in it, just as you did before you met them. However, your ability to move on can harm your ex’s ego. They might not wish to see you living the good life without them, so they block you.

Your ex is trying to protect themselves from your toxic behavior.

Have you been regularly contacting your ex? Whether it’s drunk texts, simple “Hey, how have you been?” texts now and then, or even shady subtweets, your cycling in and out of your ex’s digital life after a breakup could be harmful to their mental health. Because of this hot and cold behavior, your ex might find themselves struggling to move on and block you as a means of self-preservation.

Your ex thinks you’ve moved on.

Everyone knows that social media can be misleading. When online, we portray the very best version of ourselves. After a breakup, you might post that you’ve been hitting the gym, started taking pottery classes, or went on a trip to Europe, even though, in reality, you sob into your pillow every night because you miss your ex. 

Your ex, however, only sees what you post. Therefore, it might seem to your ex that you’ve moved on from the relationship, despite you missing them terribly. As a result, your ex might want to move on, too, which could start by blocking you.

Your ex has moved on.

This reason is the one that everyone pining over an ex following a breakup fears, so it’s worth discussing. Maybe your breakup was amicable, and you agreed to remain friends and keep in touch. However, as time passed, your ex’s feelings about keeping in touch changed, and they decided they wanted to break off contact completely instead, despite your previous agreement. The result is that they blocked you. 

Alternatively, after your breakup, your ex might not have gotten around to removing you from social media and recently started seeing someone new. In this case, they might want their privacy or not want to hurt your feelings, so they blocked you from their social media profiles before you could see any pictures they’ve begun posting of their new person.

In the same vein, they might have blocked your number. This way, you couldn’t text and potentially cause trouble for them in their new relationship. 

Should you contact your ex if they block you?

No. Your ex blocked you because they don’t want to hear from you, not because they do. So don’t try to get around their blocking you by reaching out through other platforms, friends, or by using a different phone number if they blocked you over text. Doing so would violate their boundaries and potentially push them further away. 

Even on the off chance they blocked you because they’re trying to use “no contact” as a way to get you back, to get a reaction out of you, or for any other manipulative reason such as purely trying to be dramatic, then the act of blocking suggests emotional immaturity. In this case, you shouldn’t want this person in your life anyway and, consequently, shouldn’t reach out. 

Final thoughts …

Rejection hurts. But as you practice self-care and respect your ex’s decision to move on, you’ll find that the pain of them blocking you should lessen over time. If it doesn’t, consider speaking with a mental health professional who can provide extra support to help get you through this difficult time. 

Until you let your ex go and stop holding space for them in your life, the only person you’ll continue to block is someone who wants to be there. Someone you probably haven’t met yet. 

Do People Who Ghost Ever Feel Guilty About Ghosting?

At one point or another, we’ve all been ghosted, as in had a person in our lives seem to vanish into thin air. Whether the culprit was the HR person at a company after three rounds of interviews, that one friend who’s impossible to tie down for plans but pops up now and again asking to get together, or the romantic interest who you were sure was “the one,” ghosting seems to have become an inevitable part of life. 

Whatever the situation, the common denominator is wondering why someone would ghost in the first place and whether we, the ghostee, did something to cause it. Delving deeper, there’s yet another layer to ghosting that victims of it often ponder: whether the person who ghosted felt guilty about it. Research says yes, but perhaps not for the reasons you might think — or hope.   

Are there guilty ghosters?

In a 2021 article, researchers Gili Freedman, Darcey N. Powell, Benjamin Le, and Kipling D. Williams extensively explored the reasons for and impacts of ghosting on ghosters and ghostees. The article revealed that many people choose to ghost because it appears to be a less confrontational approach to ending a relationship. 

Ghosters and ghostees agreed that ghosting might spare the ghostee’s feelings. However, the study also found that individuals who are ghosted often experience distress, decreased self-esteem, and feeling out of control in their relationships. Other findings suggest that ghostees might develop mistrust in future relationships due to internalizing the negative feelings that arise when one is ghosted.

Moreover, the researchers found that ghosters were likelier to express negative emotions like guilt as opposed to the hurt and sadness ghostees felt. Some ghosters felt relief depending on the kind of relationship they were in and their reasons for breaking it off. But many ghosters felt guilty for doing so, too, both at the time of ghosting and when the study was conducted (after they had ghosted the person in question). Evidently, guilt does factor into some ghosters’ reflections on ghosting.

In another 2021 study conducted by Jhanelle Oneika Thomas and Royette Tavernier Dubar, researchers found that, while guilt was fleeting for some, others felt guilt more often when they had a close relationship with the ghostee, particularly when they were required to be in close physical proximity with the person. 

However, they also found that the guilt only lasted so long for the ghosters; eventually, it was “out of sight, out of mind” for them. Bottom line: Some ghosters feel guilt about their actions, but research suggests that they typically move on from the guilt once they no longer have contact with the ghostee.

Does gender affect feelings of remorse toward ghosting?

Though safety was a major reason cited for respondents who ghosted, it was unclear the extent that gender played in influencing them to make that choice. Women tend to perceive more risk in relationships than men due to gender violence. These perceptions can affect women’s choices in dating and sexual encounters. Still, research on ghosting was not conclusive on whether gender was a determining factor for ghosting or feelings toward it.

Generally speaking, concerns about violence — including gender violence — and safety can lead people to ghost partners if they perceive them as violent or threatening. In these cases, the ghoster generally does not feel guilty and is instead interested in avoiding toxic or harmful situations. There was less guilt in these circumstances, as the ends — keeping oneself from a perceived threat — justified their means. In a nutshell, the research suggests that ghosting is more appealing when safety is at risk but that the role of gender in this preference remains unclear.

Health and seriousness of the relationship

The health and seriousness of the relationship also affected how guilty a ghoster felt after ghosting. For instance, respondents reported a general lack of interest as a significant perceived reason someone might ghost. This reaction was often within the context of casual dating or hookups. For more casual relationships, there was less concern for the ghostee. Some people had no desire to re-initiate a relationship, so ghosting was the easiest option.

For more serious relationships, ghosters felt that ghosting would not be appropriate. Researchers found that a “personal” discussion was significantly less favorable for a casual relationship than avoidance strategies like ghosting. Ghosters had no guilt over ghosting in these circumstances.

The health of the relationship was also an integral factor that influenced guilt. If a relationship was toxic, or respondents wanted to disengage from “unpleasant,” “uncomfortable,” or “unhealthy” situations, they felt their actions were justified and felt less guilty than peers who were in healthy relationships.

Mental health of the ghoster

Though disinterest is a major reported perceived reason for ghosting, other factors related to the mental health of the ghoster are also prevalent in research. One theme that emerged in research was safety concerns from the ghoster. In some cases, ghosters felt like they would be putting themselves at risk by re-engaging with a toxic relationship or person if they continued to keep contact with them. By ghosting, they were attempting to preserve their mental (and physical, in some cases) health.

Another prevalent theme was a fear of intimacy or vulnerability. Some respondents did not have the interpersonal skills necessary to set boundaries healthily or end a relationship, so they chose to ghost instead of directly communicating. For other ghosters with anxiety or other fears, this was amplified. A desire to reduce or entirely avoid conflict was a frequently reported reason.

Additionally, low self-esteem or confidence in interpersonal communication was also a reason some ghosters reported ghosting. For those ghosters, their feelings toward themselves, rather than concepts like intimacy, prevented them from discussing their relationship with the ghostee.

What can you do if you’ve been ghosted?

If you’ve been ghosted, you might feel like your future relationships are destined to end the same way. But that doesn’t have to be true. Instead of thinking of being ghosted as a sign of personal failing, think of it as a reflection on the person who ghosted you. They likely were either anxious about discussing your relationship or lacked the skills to do so. In some cases, they might have even felt like they were protecting you.

Though this doesn’t help lessen the sting of being ghosted, you can address the sensation that you’ve lost control of your dating life or have taken a hit to your self-esteem in several ways. For starters, it might be helpful to think about how your ghoster likely still experiences guilt in some capacity. Though it differs from person to person, keeping this in mind can validate your feelings that you’ve been wronged and remind you that you weren’t merely forgotten.

Healthily processing the negative emotions you experience from being ghosted is a significant first step toward healing. You can also engage in activities that boost your confidence — talk to trusted loved ones and friends, seek professional therapy, if necessary, engage in your favorite pastimes, hobbies, or activities, and continue to put yourself out there and date.

Final thoughts …

Being ghosted can be difficult, but you can overcome the challenges this jolting experience brings by considering that your ghoster probably feels (or felt) poorly about their actions. Next, remember that the myriad of reasons why someone might have ghosted you reflect more on them than you. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, with time, space, and therapy, eventually, just like the ghoster, the hurt you experience will also likely disappear. 

Why Did My Ex Return Only to Ghost Me Again?

Ghosting, the abrupt ending of all communication without explanation, usually within the context of dating though friends can ghost, too, can have significant psychological effects. These include feelings of rejection, abandonment, and diminished self-worth. When it involves an ex returning only to disappear again, the confusion and distress intensify.

While understanding the motivations behind why an ex might return just to ghost again can help you to move forward, it likely won’t fully alleviate the pain or confusion you feel, especially when the culprit was someone you once shared a close relationship with. That said, wrapping your head around the possible reasons why they did what they did can provide a measure of closure. Here are a few explanations to consider.

Old habits (and feelings) die hard.

It’s possible your ex was drawn back to you by familiar feelings or memories but found it challenging to communicate directly about them or their intentions. Your ex might have had mixed feelings or second thoughts about the breakup, prompting them to reach out and get caught up, at least for the moment. 

They wanted to avoid or feared confrontation.

Once they reconnected with you, they might have realized they were still unsure or not ready to commit, prompting them to exit again. Some people find it difficult to have open and honest conversations about their emotions or intentions, even fear it. 

Instead of expressing their true feelings or ending the interaction transparently, they chose to disappear or ghost to avoid such confrontation. Ultimately, the choice to ghost again might have been the route of less discomfort — for them.

They were emotionally immature or unstable. 

Some people struggle with handling emotions and relationships maturely and responsibly. Their inability to effectively communicate their needs might be what led to their inconsistent behavior in the first place and eventual ghosting.

It’s also possible your ex was dealing with emotional issues or personal challenges. They might have returned seeking comfort or validation, but once they got it, found it overwhelming to maintain the connection, causing them to do an about-face.

The digital landscape made it easy for them to ghost. 

Ghosting has become prevalent in the digital dating age. According to research conducted in 2020 by Raúl Navarro, Elisa Larrañaga, Santiago Yubero, and Beatriz Víllora, between 13% and 23% of U.S. adults have been ghosted. 

In the context of your ex returning and disappearing again, the digital landscape might have made it easier for them to do both. Your ex might have decided to re-enter your virtual space following a moment of nostalgia, curiosity, loneliness, or perhaps to see if they could still have you if they wanted to. 

Unfortunately, the same digital environment that made the initial reconnection effortless, as it probably was with a DM, text, or email, likely made it equally straightforward for them to exit. Emotional distancing occurs when communication shifts from face-to-face, like during a relationship, to screen-to-screen, as it became when you weren’t in one. The watering down or depersonalization might not excuse the ghosting act, but it does provide some context for why it happens so frequently today.

They came back to play with your emotions. 

This explanation is more sinister than the others. But the truth is some individuals engage in manipulative behaviors, using intermittent contact or ghosting to gain power or control over someone else. The behavior can be a sign of an emotionally manipulative person or one who lacks empathy, which means you should celebrate the fact they have gone from your life, hopefully for good this time. 

They had already moved on with someone else. 

It’s possible your ex had already entered a new relationship or had been seeing someone they wanted to get to know better. After reconnecting with you, they might have realized they were not ready to fully let go of their new partner or confront the emotions associated with your previous relationship. Though they might have still harbored romantic feelings for you, they realized, upon interacting, that you were their past and their current partner, for whatever reason (i.e., compatibility, less intense emotions), was their future. 

Your ex might have also felt guilty about moving on. They might have reached out to you hoping to gain closure or alleviate their guilt but found it hard to manage their conflicting emotions, leading them to ghost you once again.

Final thoughts …

Ghosting is fundamentally a manifestation of some combination of poor communication skills, emotional immaturity, and internal conflict. In other words, being ghosted says more about the ghoster than the ghosted. It’s in no way a reflection of your value as a person. 

While an ex-partner returning only to ghost again is a painful experience, you can view it as an opportunity for personal growth. In the grand scheme of your relationship experiences, ghosting can be an open invitation to cultivate resilience, build better communication strategies, and establish firmer emotional boundaries. 

To that end, don’t let your being ghosted chip away at your self-esteem. Instead, learn from the experience by growing stronger in your capacity to move on quickly from what and who doesn’t serve you. Which should include the memory of someone who chose to disappear.