A common question among singles in search of a romantic partner is what age difference is the best predictor of relationship success. According to a 2019 study from the University of Bath, the most common age difference between partners spans only two to three years. Another study published in the National Library of Medicine in 2017 found that marital dissatisfaction increases as age gaps do. But does that mean you should rule out a partner who’s more than two or three years older or younger than you?
Well, that depends on what you’re looking for in and from a relationship partner and how age could potentially affect a partner’s ability or desire to be the partner you hope they’ll be. Here’s what you should be considering.
Desire to Start a Family
When deciding whether you want to date someone older or younger than you by more than a few years, it’s important to consider what intentions you both have about starting a family or adding to your existing one. Though the decision to become a parent for the first time or thereafter turns on more than age alone, it can be a significant contributing factor to relationship success and one you should consider and discuss with a potential partner early on in your interactions.
Public Opinion
Just open any tabloid or peruse the internet, and you can be sure to see a commentary on some celebrity’s choice to date someone their junior or senior. Take Cher, for example. She has come under a lot of scrutiny over the years for her dating choices, which typically tend to veer on the young side — by decades. So, too, has Leonardo DiCaprio’s choices and those of couples like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.
Though you may not be a celebrity who’s in the public eye, there could still be those who see fit to comment on your life choices. Are you up for enduring that?
Financial Stability
Though it’s not a given, with age often comes financial stability. When you’re older, you’ve typically had a chance to establish yourself in your career as opposed to someone who’s young and just starting out. So, if finances are part of the criteria you’re using to make relationship choices, you should evaluate whether a younger partner will satisfy your expectations regarding financial stability.
Imbalance of Power
Speaking of finances, with money often comes power and the ability to control decision-making in a relationship. Age itself can also be the source of power imbalances in a relationship. Though this doesn’t have to be the case, it’s an issue worth considering as it pertains to your specific choice in a partner.
Maturity
With age often comes maturity (hopefully). Maturity can mean many different things to many different people, including an understanding of priorities, perspective, and life experience. For some, it can also mean behaving like an old fogy. Though adults of all ages can be mature, maturity can and often is a function of age. Ask what maturity means to you, and go at your own risk.
Common Interests
Dating someone older or younger could mean you both have varying interests, interests that might not be appealing to each other. Having common interests is not solely the determining factor for making a relationship successful, but it can be a place for common ground.
You obviously don’t need to and shouldn’t expect to spend every waking moment of every day with your partner, but it’s nice to have some common interests that will bring you together on a regular basis, such as going to the movies, cooking, or traveling. There needs to be something that draws you together besides attraction.
Aligned Goals
More important than common interests are aligned goals. Aligned goals are the tie that binds in relationships. Do you both want to live in the same area? Retire around the same time? Become parents? These and other pertinent questions are the ones you need to ask and answer when considering a relationship where there’s a significant age gap.
Similar Values
People in various age groups can have different values. Think about your parents. Though they might have raised you according to their value system, your life experience has likely given you cause to develop your own. Does the person you’re considering dating share your values?
Granted, having different values from someone could have nothing to do with age. But the larger the age gap, the more likely you are to display these differences.
What Growing Old Together Might Look Like
As physically and mentally fit as you might be now, age eventually catches up with all of us. You and your partner might today have similar energy levels, sex drives, and mental capacities, but will that continue, and for how long?
Though anyone can get sick (and die) at any time, when you’re dating someone much older, the “in sickness” part of “in sickness and in health” can come sooner rather than later. Are you prepared for that?
Final thoughts …
No one can predict relationship success with absolute certainty. However, the above issues can present challenges to relationships with partners who have more than the ideal zero to three years between them.
Thinking through your decisions won’t keep you from running into issues now or years in the future. But what it can do is give you enough clarity to make a decision one way or the other. Our hearts are worth protecting, and every relationship is a risk. But without risk, there can be no reward.